Mindset Matters - Episode #174 - From Feedback to Flourishing: How Frustration Fuels Personal Growth

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Everyday Millionaire - Episode #174 Title: Mindset Matters - From Feedback to Flourishing: How Frustration Fuels Personal Growth Release Date: February 27, 2025 Hosts: Patrick Francey & Stephanie Hanlon Francie

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Introduction

In Episode #174 of The Everyday Millionaire, host Patrick Francey delves into the intricate dynamics of frustration and its pivotal role in personal growth. Joined by his wife, Stephanie Hanlon Francie, an Olympic mental performance coach, the duo explores how frustration, often perceived negatively, can be harnessed as a powerful tool for self-improvement and achieving extraordinary success.

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Understanding Frustration

Patrick opens the conversation by acknowledging that frustration is typically seen as a negative emotion. However, both hosts agree that beneath its surface lies valuable lessons and opportunities for growth.

Notable Quote:

"Frustration is driven in the instance of being frustrated with somebody else. It's often the misalignment of values."
— Patrick Francey [02:05]

They emphasize that frustration usually stems from unmet expectations, whether it's expecting others to adopt one's values or expecting oneself to achieve goals swiftly. This misalignment creates a disconnect, leading to feelings of irritation and dissatisfaction.

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Frustration as Feedback

Stephanie introduces a transformative perspective by redefining frustration not as a mere emotion but as feedback indicating unmet expectations.

Notable Quote:

"All feelings are feedback. They're a physiological response. We're either getting what we need or we're not getting what we need."
— Stephanie Francie [09:23]

By categorizing frustration as feedback, Stephanie suggests that individuals can use it to identify areas where their needs aren't being met. This approach shifts frustration from a negative state to a constructive signal for personal development.

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Personal Reflections on Frustration

Patrick shares personal anecdotes to illustrate how unmet expectations, whether of oneself or others, lead to frustration. He discusses the frustration arising from navigating learning curves and the impatience to attain desired outcomes without recognizing the necessary growth process.

Notable Quote:

"If I'm frustrated, I have to be able to identify what expectation isn't being met. Where am I misaligned my values?"
— Patrick Francey [03:06]

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Frustration in Relationships and Communication

The conversation transitions to how frustration manifests in personal relationships, particularly between Patrick and Stephanie. They highlight the importance of expressing unmet needs and avoiding assumptions to prevent frustration from festering.

Notable Quote:

"What do I need that I'm not getting? That could lead to anger or putting a stake in the ground."
— Stephanie Francie [29:36]

They stress the necessity of courageous conversations, where individuals openly communicate their needs and expectations to foster understanding and reduce frustration.

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Frustration with External Factors

Patrick and Stephanie discuss broader sources of frustration, such as governmental actions and societal issues. Patrick expresses his dissatisfaction with political decisions and unmet expectations from elected officials, linking these frustrations back to the core concept of unmet needs.

Notable Quote:

"We have unmet expectations of our government, which we pay ridiculous amounts of taxes to, and they piss it away. And it drives me fucking crazy."
— Patrick Francey [14:34]

Stephanie echoes this sentiment, highlighting the incongruence between governmental actions and public expectations, further fueling collective frustration.

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Transforming Frustration into Growth

Both hosts agree that managing frustration effectively involves recognizing it as feedback and taking proactive steps to address the underlying unmet needs. This process encourages self-responsibility and personal accountability.

Notable Quote:

"What is the feedback from frustration? What do I need that I'm not getting? Express it and put in the correction."
— Stephanie Francie [34:32]

Patrick adds that understanding and addressing frustration can lead to personal growth, improving relationships, and enhancing overall well-being.

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Practical Strategies to Manage Frustration

1. Identify the Source: Pause and examine what exactly is causing the frustration. Delve deeper to understand whether it's an external situation or an internal expectation.

2. Express Needs Clearly: Communicate unmet needs without placing blame. This fosters better understanding and collaboration in personal and professional relationships.

3. Adjust Expectations: Recognize and recalibrate unrealistic expectations of oneself and others to reduce unnecessary frustration.

4. Embrace Growth Zones: Accept that learning and growth come with challenges and frustrations. Building tolerance for these feelings can lead to resilience and progress.

Notable Quote:

"Frustration is a signal to you to look a little bit closer at something and that we can use it as a learning moment, perhaps understanding ourselves a little bit better."
— Patrick Francey [31:42]

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Conclusion

In this insightful episode, Patrick Francey and Stephanie Hanlon Francie articulate that frustration, when understood and managed correctly, serves as a catalyst for personal growth and self-improvement. By reframing frustration as valuable feedback, individuals can navigate their challenges more effectively, align their actions with their values, and ultimately flourish in their personal and professional lives.

Final Reflection:

"Notice the frustration, get the feedback from it, soften into it, ask yourself, what are my needs that I'm not getting? And then fill that need."
— Stephanie Francie [34:32]

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Key Takeaways

• Frustration is Often Misaligned Values: Understanding that frustration usually arises from a clash of values or unmet expectations can help in addressing the root causes.

• Use Frustration as Feedback: Viewing frustration as a signal to identify and fulfill unmet needs transforms it from a negative emotion to a constructive tool for growth.

• Effective Communication is Crucial: Openly expressing needs and expectations can prevent frustration from escalating and improve relationships.

• Personal Accountability: Taking responsibility for one's own feelings and reactions empowers individuals to manage frustration proactively.

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Reflection Questions

1. What unmet expectations are causing frustration in your life right now?
2. How can you communicate your needs more effectively to reduce frustration?
3. In what ways can you reframe frustration to use it as a tool for personal growth?

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Join the Conversation

Have insights or experiences related to managing frustration? Share your thoughts and join the community of Everyday Millionaires striving to live their best lives by navigating challenges with resilience and purpose.

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Thank you for listening to The Everyday Millionaire. If you found value in this episode, please rate and review the podcast, and share it with friends who might benefit from embracing their frustrations as pathways to success.

Transcript

[A]

Foreign. Welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast, where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Francie. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as mindset matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in. Enjoy, Stephanie. Here we are. Mindset matters.

[B]

Hi, hon.

[A]

So we're talking frustration and the power of frustration. It's interesting about mindset. We have all these things that on the surface seem quite negative, but when you unpack it, you realize that there's a lot of lessons in it. Frustration is one of those things. Before we kick it off. I broke my pencil.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

I tried to sharpen it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was pointless.

[B]

Oh, no, you didn't.

[A]

I was frustrated.

[B]

Okay. I'm not even going to laugh at that joke. Okay.

[A]

Okay. Moving on.

[B]

Pretty funny. So you were frustrated that you were pointless, which is kind of a thing.

[A]

Pointless, yes. So let's talk about frustration. Why is there power in frustration? What is frustration? Why is it we get frustration? So here's. There's many components of this. You know, one of the things that we've talked about many times is that frustration is driven in the instance of being frustrated with somebody else. It's often the misalignment of values. So in other words, we value something different than somebody else. So we get very frustrated because they won't adopt our values. On the other side of that, we may get frustrated because they're expecting us to adopt their values. And the two don't jive. We get frustrated. Just. They just need to understand more. We need to listen better. You know, if only they knew.

[B]

People need to be better.

[A]

They need to be better. Just listen to me. I'm right. And of course, our ego tells us that we are right, somebody else is wrong. We get frustrated because they're not listening. So that's just kind of opening up the conversation of frustration. I think many can recognize relate to that, but frustrations really is a lot of things, and we're going to unpack that today. So one of your insights into frustration is it's almost always met. It's always about unmet expectations. That's One of the big drivers. That unmet expectation goes back to what I said, which is the expectation that you'll adopt my values. That's why I'm always frustrated with you.

[B]

I know, right? And I drive you crazy. It just. I frustrate the hell out of you. And I don't know, you know, and it's because I'm so fabulous. You just got to keep up, cowboy. Anyway, I think what you're leading towards is I have kind of a tagline, and I've used it for a hundred years of my coaching, is because when we set big goals, there's going to be people and things and situations and that are going to get in our way that are going to cause quote, unquote, frustration. So in my coaching, I had to reframe frustration. And I know it's still a physiological response, so hence, AKA a feeling. But when I pulled frustration out of the pool of feelings, I was able to identify the fact that it always. I don't wanna say always, but 92.6% of the time is linked to unmet expectations. So it's actually a feeling or not a feeling. It's a physiological response to unmet expectations. And it happens in a moment. And if we live in the frustration and we live there and we don't have sort of a tolerance for the frustration frustration, what happens is that we don't get the feedback, we don't get the lesson from the frustration. Because as we've spoken about before is feelings are inbound. If I'm frustrated, I have to be able to identify what expectation isn't being met. Where am I misaligned my values? Because feelings are inbound, the frustration is mine. It has nothing to do with you or your frustration has nothing to do with me. They're inbound. They're not outbound. So when I was able to kind of pull frustration out of the string of emotions, what with. Especially with athletes that have very big goals, they want to be Olympic champions, they also know that there's people around them that don't have the same intentions, the same goals, the same values. So of course there's going to be frustration. So for me, I really pulled frustration out of the list of values and said, let's define it, let's create a context for it. Let's create a feedback loop around it and call it unmet expectations. Then we can identify the expectations that were unmet and collapse it.

[A]

Okay, so you open up a couple different points of conversation. So an unmet expectation. But in this conversation, even how we positioned it so far. We're talking about unmet expectations by others or of others. And what we need to own is the unmet expectations we may have of ourselves. And we're frustrated because we're going through this ridiculous learning curve in our world, we're going through this learning curve. We're frustrated because we're not learning faster. We're frustrated that we even have to go through it. We want the end result, but we don't want. And we think we're smarter than we are. Our ego says, you got this? Then we get into it. I'm in the middle of that, by the way, and a whole new learning curve about some things, and it's too slow. And I realize it's not that it is. Is I am not learning, and it's not as simple and straightforward as I thought it would be. So I have this unmet expectation of myself and the realization that my frustration is mine based on my expectations, or I guess maybe it is the. Can. Can there be such a thing as an unexpressed. Yes, there can. It's an unexpressed expectation or unexpressed assumption.

[B]

And that's the other where you can bite you in the ass, right? Is like we have these expectations of ourself and others, and then we make these assumptions, and then we don't express them. So we have expectations that are unmet, and then we have assumptions that are unexpressed, and then the loop just goes around and around and around. And especially if we're in what we call the growth zone or the learning or what we know. Right? What we know, this is what we're certain about. And then we want to go to something that we don't know, where we have uncertainty or the unknown. So it's this gap between what we know and what we want to know or don't know. And the frustration lives in many times in what we don't know. So if we can be tolerant with ourselves and be kinder with ourselves and say, okay, maybe I'm just in the growth zone. Maybe I'm just in the learning zone. Maybe I'm just. I don't need to be the expert right now. And that's the thing I'm finding, you know, we're coming up to an Olympic year in 2026, and I'm finding that everybody seems to think they're going to win Olympics like today in, you know, 2025. It's just not going to happen. So I'm dealing with a lot of angst and frustration and, you know, Uncertainty. I said, okay, let's just back up for a second. What do we know? What can we control and what are we certain about? And then we can manage the expectations with self and other by entering what that feedback loop is. And when we can pull frustration out of that and identify it and say, okay, what expectations do you have of yourself or your partner or your lover or your family or. And where are you misaligned with your values? And then just grow the F up.

[A]

Okay, so there's something that showed up for me in this, in that little segment you just did there, which, first and foremost is that I think we need to, you know, plant a flag and go. Okay, first off, when you're feeling frustration, you need to stop and examine that frustration. Just take a quick look at it. These are nanoseconds, you know, of time spent examining something. But you have to first bring your attention to the frustration. And where is that frustration coming from? What is creating or in your world causing the frustration? What is it you're frustrated about? At the surface, it's going to be, I'm frustrated about an outcome, probably, or I'm frustrated that something should have happened and it didn't. Frustrated that I should have been learning faster. So there's a lot of, like, we have to go one level deeper. It's not enough to say, well, I'm frustrated. Okay, well, what are you frustrated with? Or about? And then unpack that one layer, at least deeper. What is that frustration? What's driving that frustration that you're feeling? And you're suggesting that it's not really a feeling. It is, but it's feedback.

[B]

So when we have a physiological feeling.

[A]

Is a feeling is feedback.

[B]

I know, sweetheart, but let's just bear with me for a minute, okay?

[A]

I'm frustrated right now. I'm frustrated right now.

[B]

I know, right?

[A]

I want the answer now. Okay, go.

[B]

All feelings are feedback. They're a physiological response. We're either getting what we need or we're not getting what we need. Think about Maslow's hierarchy of needs are. What level are we at? Is it just, you know, food, clothing, shelter, reproduction is. Are we at the lowest level of feedback now? When we are that and all those needs are met, then there's no frustration. But it's when we want to stretch ourselves into something new or something that's unknown or uncertain. We have to be willing. And here's the key. Doesn't mean you have to do it, but are you willing to go through that gross zone and be uncertain and understand and Live with that frustration or feedback because it's your ability to tolerate the frustration and then enter it and go, what is it? That's not meeting my needs right now? That's where frustration lives. But here's the thing. What I've discovered over the last, I don't know, 25 years or so is that that is also where people stop. Well, it's obviously not working. I'm frustrated with you, with his partner, with his lover, with his marriage. I'm frustrated all over the place. It's not working, so I'm frustrated. So obviously we need a divorce, or obviously we need to break up, or we need to quit, or we need to, you know, change the goal. And that's where, to me, the magic is, is that if we can identify what that is and enter it, unpack it, and go, oh, you want something more? Or you haven't expressed what it is that you want into the space that someone can either fill your need, give you some sort of feedback that makes sense, or do you need to change the goal? The frustration tolerance, I call it. Frustration tolerance can be shortened when we understand what our expectation is. And here's the other thing. Have we expressed it, or are we living in an assumption that the person who we love or are in partnership with totally is psychic and they know exactly what we're doing and feeling all the time. And to me, that's where I like to dig in and kind of figure out what that expectation is.

[A]

So then when we look at that, what you just said, the message that we get to ask yourself is, what is the. What is the message that frustrating, what frustration is sending us? So that's really the question, or one of the questions we got to start to, you know, kind of lift the hood on to examine it if we really want to, or we're going to walk around being frustrated all the time. So if, for example, you frustrate me, which you often do because you can't keep up, or vice versa, or vice versa. But I express my frustration pretty, pretty good. You know, I'm good at it, like, keep up. And so there is that, and then there's some. But that's also unmet expectations or. Yeah, generally unmet expectations. So I have an expectation that you'll do something or be a certain way or show up in a different way. You know, and especially around technology, you know, you really frustrate me because it's like, okay, you just have to turn on the computer and it'll come on, right?

[B]

And I can walk into a room and blow up an entire server, like, energetically. That's what's hilarious. So let's just don't step over this cowboy, because when you talk about things, about how I frustrate you, you are such a perfectionist. And I, and I do love that about you and you and your attention to detail. And I'm a random. I'm a random om. I'm a creative. I can't keep my office clean, honestly. I can keep the gas in the car and I can, you know, pay all the bills and I have gifts in certain areas. And I think what's really funny is that I have decided a long time ago that I choose. I don't choose frustration ever. If I'm going to be mad or angry, I'll be mad or angry, I'll express it. But I'm not going to live in frustration because feelings are inbound. And I think that that level of frustration, if I'm not, if I don't have the guts to express what's frustrating me or what's not going right or what's not working, then that's on me, you know, and you're really good at that, and I really appreciate that. But I choose not to ever be frustrated. If something's not working, I turn left, there's something not working, I go into a different line. I take full responsibility. I'm not going to sit in any kind of negative energy of frustration. I'm being angry at you or others or the world or the government.

[A]

That's very frustrating. So first off, when it comes to frustration, I don't think I live in frustration. Maybe I do at times. Again, when it comes to government. And let's just talk about that. You know, when I look at what's happening, you know, government wise with Canada, and that's really what matters to us the most. I see the impact of what's going on in the US or global macros, blah, blah, blah. But the point is, is that, you know, what drives my frustration with that is that seemingly they're going to be there to do their job and we pay taxes and we should have an expectation. And it's not even an unstated expectation. We state it, they don't listen.

[B]

Look after infrastructure, look after roads, look after health care. Do your job.

[A]

You know, Mark Carnage, here he is. You know, here's carnage. Mark Carnage. So, so good. So here he is talking about fucking climate change. When we have an economy that's crumbling, we have unemployment rising, we have issues with the US and the relationships, we have with other countries. And this clown's coming in and putting climate change as the priority. Well, I'm not even going to debate whether it's a real issue or not. I'm not an expert in that. I'll pretend that I don't have an opinion of it. I do, but it doesn't really matter. My point is that I don't give a shit about climate change when it comes to. Because we're not going to be worried about the weather. If our economy implodes, that's the last thing that's going to be on our mind. Yeah. You know, maybe. Cause we can't afford to pay air conditioning. I don't know. My point is, is that. Let's see. There I go. That's because frustration. And they. I have unmet expectations of our government, which we pay ridiculous amounts of taxes to, and they piss it away. And it drives me fucking crazy. Absolutely nuts. That's my frustration.

[B]

It is because here, here it is, is that we have been told that our government has a certain role. So their job is infrastructure, health care, doing the things that we're paying them to do. And what they're doing now is they're imposing values from. And you have to get this. Unelected officials like, like Mark Carnage and the World Economic Forum, they're saying that we have to be worried about something that does not affect us. Drill down to the unexpressed or the unmet expectation. They continually don't meet our expectations. But here's what's happening. People are going, oh, all of a sudden this guy, maybe he makes sense. Maybe he's an economist, maybe he's smarter than me. So we keep giving our power away, which also is something that leads to frustration. So when you give your power away, whether it's to an elected official, an unelected official, a coach, a business person, a boss, a spouse, when you give your power away, there's a place where we are constantly going to be frustrated because there's no way there's that connection between what we need and what we want. And based on what they're able to give us now, like, just link that back to what's happening in, in Canada right now. What's happening, you know, we're focused on, you know, what Trump is doing in tariffs, etc. I don't give a. About that. I give a shit that we have a government that is prorogued and is not leading us in a way that we supposedly, I mean, I didn't, like, I didn't vote for them. But that is supposedly our elected leader. So think about the people right now that in our circles and the people in our country who are not getting their needs met. So there's a lot of frustration, which means there can be a lot of control.

[A]

Well, there's another layer of that. Right. So frustration, when not handled, turns to anger. And so when you look at anger, often anger is that sense of feeling out of control, but it's also based in fear. And almost all fear is, or almost all anger is based in fear. And so when I get pissed off, yeah, I do have some fear around what our government is or is not doing. I do have some fear around the future for our children and our grandchildren. I do have some fear, which then of what, where this is going to lead to in three, five, 10 years. And that makes me angry. So that's ultimately, my anger is not driven by my frustration. It's driven by my fear of these idiots and what they're going to do and what the result of that is going to be. And then, of course, I live in the frustration of people who voted for Trudeau to begin with because he was good looking. I like, I don't get it. You know, they're voting not based on policy. And so that, to me is very frustrating. That is that.

[B]

Well, because you're trying to also run a business, you're also trying to keep people employed. You're also trying to. And that's what they're trying. I think what's frustrating is that, that that's being taken away on such a different, on such a level. And, you know, the. My mom always said, follow the money. You know, follow the money. And when you look at whether it's climate change or all the stuff, and you look at Carney, he's like, so invested in everything outside of Canada when it comes to oil and gas, yet he's saying we need to shut down oil and gas, so follow the money. So I think there's an incongruency and an inconsistency that I find people are feeling when it comes to the decisions that our, quote, unquote, government is making for us that none of us that we know actually agree with.

[A]

Okay, so this isn't a podcast about our government. This is a podcast where this episode's about frustration. And we can make it about that because, okay, so let's look at where, you know, what, what do we learn from being frustrated? So there's a lot to be understood in terms of frustration in our learning curve. For example, so, you know, right now, as we go through the frustration we're talking about in politics, for example, is there a lesson in here that will. Then maybe there's something in all of this that we have to learn. I don't know, perhaps. But then we go on when we're into the learning curve of what we're trying to learn, to grow. So you kind of brought learning and growth together. I hold them a little bit more separate. So the frustration of learning is not about the frustration of lack of growth. So there's always in the lack of growth. There's something. The message is, what do you need to learn? To get back into the growth zone so we can come out of the growth zone. When we're in the growth zone, we like it, we're making progress, it lights us up, we're moving forward. But when we're learning, it doesn't necessarily feel like growth, although it is. Now, if you can connect what you're learning to growth, and then you have a context, well, at least I'm learning, I'm getting it figured out. And then you. That feels like progress, which can then lead to growth. So what does growth mean? What does learning mean? There's frustration in all of that. And that can be the unmet expectation we have of ourself, that it should be easier, that we should be smarter, that why have they got it figured out and I don't have it figured out? There's a little bit of the ego of not knowing that will lead us to feeling frustrated, I think, in that context as well. Well, let's go back and say, okay, what do we want to use frustration for? There's real power in frustration, which is the flag saying, okay, what's underneath the frustration? And maybe what's underneath the frustration, by the way, is the comfort or the practice of courageous conversations. So, you know, as a couple, you frustrate me. I state it.

[B]

I don't get frustrated. I just dealing with what is all the time.

[A]

I know, but you're far more evolved than I am. You can do that. I'm not that evolved.

[B]

I know. You're my favorite Neanderthal.

[A]

Exactly. Still to this day. So where are we going with this? So the point of frustration is to use it as a flag, to question, to say, what do I need to do?

[B]

To go inside and go, what do I need that I'm not getting? And that, to me, is one of the most powerful questions I've ever come across. What do I need that I'm not getting? And I may not get it from you. You know, we learned this early on back in the day, and you were so brilliant when I started really doing the work around healing and investigating and understanding that women need women and men need men. No disrespect, I mean, but I believe in the sacred masculine and the sacred feminine. I believe we're a combination of both. But women need women. We have stepped past quilting bees. We. We've gone beyond getting together and cooking together and making sourdough and all those things that I love to do. And then over here, like, I love when, you know, you burp and you fart and you, you know, you chop wood and make a fire and say, hey, come out for coffee. We got a fire going. I love that shit. But I think what happens is that it's been completed on so many levels that we've been separated into our gender roles or into this or that instead of just the humanity of that. And when we circle back to communication and being understood, one of the things we learned early in. In our work is that seek first to understand, then to be understood. So if your expectations are not being met and it leads to frustration, that feedback in your body, that energy in your body, the unmet expectation is that, oh, I have an expectation that's not being met.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

That's amazing. What is it like? That's my work. It's not on you. It's not on you. I would love to be better at tech. I'd love to be better organized and. And be less of a hoarder and less worried about certain things. I would love to be that. That's not this. So you can be as frustrated as you want. It's not. That's you. That's on you. That's your feelings. Being inbound. I'm doing my best to change and grow and evolve and, you know, be all that and a bag of chips.

[A]

Okay. Are you implying that I like. I'm not, though. I don't live in a world of frustration. The topic of frustration is.

[B]

I think you do.

[A]

Okay, you're losing the plot. How did we come off the rails? Listen, I don't live in a world of frustration. I joke that you often will frustrate me, but not really that often. So I don't live in a lot of frustration, and I certainly don't hang out there. If I am. If I am frustrated, I have learned very easily to let it go, because it's often, what can I control? What can't I control? And if something's frustrating me, and there is a component of it where I can shift things so that they align with where I need them to align for. I'm going to do that, but not. That's. I don't hang out in that space. But it's an interesting conversation because I see a lot of frustration. I hear a lot of frustration. You know, we. I think we were talking today, you know, frustration. I'm not a big small talk guy, I don't think. And so I get frustrated when, you know, entire conversations are just small talk. You know, I joke that, you know, don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff. But. But here's what. Here's how it lands. Here's where my frustration lives. I think so many people look at sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. So it's these kind of meaningless small talk conversations about all these things that we have no control over, that they don't really matter. So there's some frustration in that. I'm losing the plot here on this episode.

[B]

No, no, I think you're good. I think. I think we link it back to the fire this morning. You know, we had a great conversation. We talked about things and one thing came to like, one thing led to another and we started talking about frustration. And when I think about it, it's not about what our needs are, are not being met on. On a couple of different levels. I think it's where we don't have the courage to express what our needs are. And I know for a fact that I'm socially awkward and I'm more of an ambivert or an introvert than you are. I don't need social. I can be by myself for days and weeks and months and the dogs and. And you need social. But what's so interesting about that today, what you brought up is that yes, you need social, but you need it to be based on your values and have conversations that actually make a difference. You don't want to do small talk. You don't want. But. So you need social, you need people, you need community. But how do you find people of like mind or people that want to have the same level of conversations that you do? I don't think that's super normal. So I think for me, I'd rather have a small circle of friends and go out every once in a while. And, you know, we went to lunch this week at Brambles and had great conversations, and I would rather do that than be in a circle or, or even a community of people that I can't connect with. So that to me is frustrating.

[A]

Right? And, and listen, we both love to have fun and it's not like we don't do small talk. It's just that when that becomes the only conversation, I don't know where, again, this is about frustration and then finding a place and a, I guess a methodology, if you will, or an awareness of frustration so that you can take the edge off it, so that you're not walking around in a frustrated mode, walking out of a conversation in a humph because it doesn't land or it's not working for you or you're frustrated by results. So, for example, if you're working with a team of people and, you know, perhaps you're frustrated because the team isn't in sync, isn't aligned with going the right or the same direction. So everybody's kind of, there's no method to the madness, for example, that would be frustrating for me, but because I find, you know, like, I want things to be more pragmatic, more step by step, thoughtful. A plan, execution, you know, that's mainly how I like to operate. Having said that, there's always room for creativity. There's always room for, you know, throwing a curveball and then being able to adapt and then pivot. I'm always good for that game. The point of it is, is that if you're finding yourself in the frustration, what is the signal it's sending you and the signal it may be sending you is to just stop, step back from it and go, okay, this is my frustration, not somebody else's. Do I want to walk around in a frustrated state? Because if you're in that state, you're not bringing solutions to the table. You're not examining what it is, you're walking away blaming or complaining about something else. And you have to either be okay with it, knowing that you're frustrated, or let it go because it's out of your control. So the government's out of my control. I can still get angry and I can still get frustrated when I see the constant shitty decisions that they make.

[B]

Here, wait, here's something that's so interesting about that, is that I wonder also if frustration is also feedback as to where we want to stop, where you want to get angry, and where maybe you're going to take your stand or put your stake in the ground. And I think that for me, what I've learned over time is that if I just can fold frustration in to the normal conversation of what, oh, I'm frustrated about that, what's the feedback and Then I keep moving forward. But I think what I've seen over time, especially over the last five years, is that's where people stop. They put their stake in the ground. They're going to fight for this or anti Vax or Vax or politics or Trudeau or fucking Trump or whatever, and they stop there. Or, you know, Team Canada, I was so mortified that Canadians booed the national anthem of the US that's frustrating me because the feedback of that is that we're so immature. Like, how fucking dare us do that?

[A]

How unevolved.

[B]

How unevolved is that? So there's I. There's the peak, right? I go, oh, oh. So maybe I am alone in this particular thing. I'm listening to people, I'm watching this, and they're thinking, it's okay to boo the national anthem of another country. Our biggest trading partner, our best friend. Like, I. To me, it was beyond frustration. It was. There was a deep sadness. And to your point is that that could have led to anger.

[A]

Totally. So as we start to wind this down, I want to say this. First off, we've both been expressing our frustration in this whole episode. Number one. Number two is I'm a little frustrated by this whole episode because I think that I'm not delivering or being articulate in expressing the lesson and what we need to learn about frustration. So I don't know if this episode was about our listener or about me and trying to get through my own frustration of the imperfections of this world. Damn it. My values are right.

[B]

Yeah, but you know what? Don't. Don't step over that, cowboy. Because you know what? I think if we shine a light on frustration as an aspect of our personality and our energy system, our level of consciousness, is that, what if it's just feedback and we can use it? We don't have to stay there. You don't have to stay in frustration. We can go, oh, I'm frustrated. Oh, it's not about you. What is it about me? If feelings are inbound and I'm feeling frustrated, what's the feedback? What it is that. What is the unmet expectation? What is the unexpressed assumption for me? And can you imagine if as humans, as business people, as family members, if we just took responsibility and said, it's not about you. I'm frustrated because I have an expectation of myself or of you or of this conversation or of this family or of this community or of this government that is not being met. That's on me. And if we soften and just Soften into the feedback that we're getting from frustration. And that's what I'm working with over the last 20 years with my athletes and my clients is that notice the frustration, get the feedback from it, soften into it, ask yourself, what are my, what do I need that I'm not getting? And then fill that need. And that's what I'm saying. I don't feel frustration as much anymore.

[A]

Yeah, I think there's got it. And I think there's one other thing that, you know, as we like I say wind down, I think there's around frustration and something that you said that I think we need to pay attention to is I think we've all had that experience where somebody says they're frustrated with us or maybe we've stated it, you know, we're frustrated and so we don't expand on that. So I think there's the real lesson in all of this is that if you're going to express frustration, own it. Own it. So in other words, what is it that you're finding frustrating? What part of the scenario is frustrating you? And then can you express it in a way that the other person can hear it and that way you're owning it? So it isn't about the blame. Blame. I'm feeling frustrated by the way you're communicating because I'm not understanding you. That's on me. But maybe you could position it differently because I find it very frustrating. But the way you're saying it, it's not working for me. Maybe like some example while you know that just kind of riffing off the top of my head. But the point is, is to own it and express what it is that is in fact giving or why, why you're sensing or feeling that frustration. So that would be one way to do it. I think the point of it is also is that frustration is a signal to you to look a little bit closer at something and that we can use it as a learning moment, perhaps understanding ourselves a little bit better. And I'll leave it at that.

[B]

Yeah. And let's finish with what do I need that I'm not getting? What do I need that I'm not getting? Because that's the trigger for frustration. It's either feedback, understanding. It could be acceptance, it could be just being heard. What is it that you need that you're not getting? Because that's where we get to go in self responsibility, meritocracy, and all the things that we believe in when it comes to moving our lives forward. Are we going to control what the fucking government does? No, but we can control our reaction to it and who we are and how we're treating each other and how we're communicating into our community around the difference we can make. So that's, to me, that's the. That's the final word around frustration. What do you need that you're not getting? Express it and put in the correction.

[A]

What do I need? Yeah, I think I may need a drink. And I don't even drink. I'm just kidding. Okay, so you've f bombed all over the place. I f bombed a couple, you know, so apologies for f bombing. It's our frustration. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for listening on this episode. Give us some comments, let us know what you think. What frustrates you. Hopefully it's not us. Stephanie. Thank you.

[B]

Oh, my gosh, that was so fun.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions or questions you'd like answered, please email [e-mail] that's CEO.com I look forward to to hearing from you. And until next time, Patrick O.