← The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
Mindset Matters - Episode #180 - Throwback Thursday - Intimate Insights: Straight Talk about Intimacy
00:31:03
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- [00:00]
Patrick O.
Foreign. Welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Francie. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as Mindset Matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time in, in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in. Enjoy. Hey folks. Welcome to the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters. Stephanie, welcome back.
- [00:57]
Stephanie Hanlon
Hey hon.
- [00:58]
Patrick O.
So your job was on the line, you know, last episode. Nick Banks stepped in, we had an amazing conversation and so I can be replaced.
- [01:07]
Stephanie Hanlon
What?
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Patrick O.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're replaceable. I'm just saying, you know, so you better be nice to me because I know how to run the technology. You don't, you do it.
- [01:16]
Stephanie Hanlon
And you know what I have to say, I listened to it and it was a really good conversation. I'm not sure if it's dropped yet, but wow, you and Nick really went there. I loved it.
- [01:26]
Patrick O.
So yeah, no, Nikki, Nick is awesome. And what that led to and was leading up to was a conversation he and I had had many times about doing a men's group. Now we launched SHIFT and ended up with a all men's cohort as part of the SHIFT program, which was really cool and how that all unfolded. And you know, we've talked many times about, I've talked many times about doing a men's group. So if you're listening and you happen to be in the bc, specifically Langley area, you can watch for the Everyday Millionaire Facebook page and, or the website and, or some marketing that we'll do. But we are doing, I am doing and you're going to join me. That's maybe freaks some men out already, but a men's night, a men's evening, getting together and looking at things that I guess really I'm titling it inner warrior and what that means and having some really cool conversation with men. It's a $20 drop in register and that's it. 20 bucks. Come on by. It's in Langley at the Sandman. What is it called? Sandman Inn, I guess.
- [02:36]
Stephanie Hanlon
Eh, Suites I think on 200th and just off Highway 1.
- [02:41]
Patrick O.
Yeah. So if you happen to be listening to this and you're in the area it's October 30th. It'll go from 7 to 9, 7 to 9:30. It'll be amazing. We got some really cool stuff lined up on the agenda and Stephanie's going to bring her many years of working in a world of men in her NHL career and really looking at and talking about inner warrior and masculinity and what is it being a man in 2023 and dealing with all the things that men are dealing with, with family and relationships and peers and oh my gosh, there's so much to talk about. We'll not get it all done in one night for sure. But it's really, this is just kind of a test and see if there's a demand out there for men that want to get into a room full of other like minded men and have some meaningful conversation. How's that?
- [03:33]
Stephanie Hanlon
Honestly, I've been waiting for this. You've been talking about this for a long time, dude.
- [03:39]
Patrick O.
I know.
- [03:39]
Stephanie Hanlon
So I'm just so proud of you for doing this and the fact that you and Nick had this conversation while I was away, I mean, what's so cool about it is that the timing couldn't be better. I'm seeing for me the sacred masculine just being vilified everywhere. Whether it's in business or sport or in family or in faith, it's everywhere. And I think in order for us to move through this and navigate what's happening right now in the world is that we need to connect to the values of the sacred masculine. And I call it that because I also work within the realm of human, human development, which means we have a balance between the masculine and the feminine. It's not male and female, it's not gender, it's not sex. It's about energy and it's about what we're bringing. And I'm so, so proud of you that you're doing this.
- [04:34]
Patrick O.
Well, thanks. Well, we're going to have some fun doing it. And how have some really positive impact on some men's lives. Okay, today's topic. You're kind of in line with it, but it's a weird one. But I know that men are really uncomfortable with this word. Many men are. Not all men. I'm not. But many men are. And I know men who aren't. But I know many men who are. Okay, the magic word. Ready for this? Intimacy. Oh my gosh. Dun dun dun. You know, this is, you know, intimacy is I think a misunderstood word mostly by men, I think by women as well sometimes because they have expectations. But you tell me this. I think women just. They come out of the chute. They're just the genetic predisposition. Is understanding intimacy, or is that true? Or am I just full of shit?
- [05:26]
Stephanie Hanlon
Well, I can't speak for all women. I'll try to speak for myself and the women that I've had the privilege of working with and being friends with. Is that early on for me, I was able to define the word intimacy as into me, see, into me, see. So in order to connect with other people, I needed to know who I was, and I needed to know what mattered to me and what scared me and what lit me up and what fucked me up and all that kind of stuff is that it's where we're not able to share our deepest, darkest. And I remember somebody saying to me once, is that in order to be intimate, you need to be able to show up for yourself first and others. Warts and all. Warts and all. Like, I got a shit ton of warts. And I think about, you know, the people that I've worked with over the years and even you and I, as we've worked through our stuff, is that there's layers of stuff that in our past that could stay hidden, but it also gets in the way of what we want to do in terms of connection, in terms of communication, in terms of, I don't know, just like you say, living our best life and being kind and being grounded.
- [06:38]
Patrick O.
Yeah, well, let's. And when we look at what you just shared there, you know, that comes back to, you know, some level of authenticity. You know, can you be authentic? And that's not to say that any space you walk into, you always are there being authentic. But intimacy goes to the next level. And that means that putting yourself in an environment, creating relationship, that's where intimacy lives. Having meaningful conversation is not something that you can have with just anybody because you are, number one, exposing yourself. I think that could be number one. There's no point to it. I think it's a little dangerous from a conversational point of view. You may mess people up when you start and you show up that way. So intimacy is a very kind of private thing in private. I mean, it's not broadcast out to the world. I don't know. Can you be really intimate in a big, you know, if you're sitting on stage, I guess you could, you know, Jordan Peterson, we went to Jordan Peterson, we had really cool tickets, and he had a conversation with what, 100 people afterwards, you know, went from 6,000 to 100 people. And it was a pretty intimate conversation. Patrick, Beth, David, he did it. He was pretty intimate with a group of people, I think. What's your thoughts on that?
- [07:56]
Stephanie Hanlon
You know, you really bring up a good point. Because I think where the vulnerability or the fear lives with most people is that if they feel that they're going to be intimate, it's going to make a lifelong decision or they have to get married and, you know, forever and ever. Amen. It's not that. Like, for me, it's so I want to connect with people. And, you know, in the past, I used to. I used to really freak people out because my initial reaction is connection. And people would be scared about that. And they'd be like, she is way too deep and looking at way too personal stuff. And I don't want to share that with her. I don't know what she's going to do with it. We'll realize is that where people will shut down around intimacy is that they're scared to show who they are because they've been hurt. They've been hurt and people have taken the information or that intimacy and really used it against them. And that was never on my radar. I mean, I was raised in a family where you gotta bring your stuff and your best self and your worst shit to the dinner table and clear it up and talk it out so that you can go and be the best self in your out in the world. That's not normal. I had to unlearn that with certain people, especially as an adult on stage, it's different. With my clients, it's different. I get it. I can find a way of being intimate by being authentic myself, but not demanding that from somebody else or not requesting that from somebody else, because some people just aren't ready to just lift their kilt, so to speak.
- [09:24]
Patrick O.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's start by defining it. I mean, we often do that. I like to kind of give it a foundation. So if we define intimacy, you know, based on some version of, I don't know, dictionary, it is that intimacy, regardless of gender, refers to the close and deep connection between individuals in a relationship. There. Now there's a key point that I just want to not step over in a relationship. So it involves emotional, physical, and often intellectual or spiritual closeness. It's essential to recognize that intimacy is a universal human need and experience, and his definition doesn't actually signify or it isn't based on gender. So having said all of that, the way individuals perceive and express intimacy can actually be quite different from person to person. And that could be based on cultural differences. And I think that's an interesting one. We see that culturally that intimacy is different and social. And of course, personal factors play into intimacy. So when we look at intimacy from a definition point of view, it is about relationship. We have to make sure. And it is actually a human need. We need intimacy at some level. And so lack of intimacy in somebody's life can really show up or manifest into different ways in terms of how we behave or how we hide emotions, or how we're not emotional or how we're overly emotional. And so there are indicators, for example, if you're lacking intimacy, and we can break those down if you want, but what's your thoughts so far?
- [11:10]
Stephanie Hanlon
Oh, man. Like, this is such a big topic. And I realize that when I look at myself and my need for connection and my ability to tell the truth about that is I would rather have that connection with somebody and drop my guard and risk somebody hurting me than not having that connection with and feeling that connection of intimacy. This is hard for me because I look at my clients, I look at my skaters, I look at how you and I communicate. I look at how our chosen family communicates. That's what I want in my life. It doesn't mean that everybody has to go down that path and we have to go super deep with everybody. And sometimes it's just a superficial conversation. But the truth is, somewhere in our lives, we need as human beings, one of our highest drivers is connection and having meaningful connection.
- [12:02]
Patrick O.
I mean, you can only talk about the weather for a minute or two. And then sometimes it's just helpful to have more meaningful conversations. And the meaningful conversations, by the way, don't have to be about you. You can only talk about the weather and kind of high level, meaningless conversations, you know, for so long. And then it's like, okay, I don't want to keep sharing stories from the past. I don't want to keep having meaningless small talk conversations. I think most people don't like those. And they get tiresome really fast if you have any awareness around it. And being. And having an intimate conversation doesn't necessarily mean you're talking about yourself either. It is really talking about things that matter to the person or the people that you're having a conversation with. And it is more about those meaningful kind of conversations, the things that do impact our lives emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. Those can get, I guess, pretty deep. But ultimately, that's where the intimacy lives, is having those conversations and being able to have those conversations and actually feeling Safe and having them. And that's one of the keys to having an intimate conversation. And I know in relationship, I don't want to say I know. My experience has been with, in having conversations with men who are struggling in relationship. As I listen to them talk about their wife, their daughters generally, but even sometimes their sons, they lack this understanding that an intimate conversation is sometimes just listening to somebody have a conversation. Especially in the world of women and men in relationship, I mean, when we think about intimacy, there was back in the day, there was women. And what were they doing? They were quilting. And why were they quilting? Because women need women, they need to have those conversations, but women need to have those conversations with men as well. So I'll stop there. But what's your thoughts?
- [13:56]
Stephanie Hanlon
Well, you bring up a couple good points, is that in order to have a level of intimacy with someone else, you also have to know what matters to you and what, what is into me. See, like what matters to me so that I can bring up a conversation with you. So for example, I used to go to parties and I was such an introvert, even though I was on stage and in the NHL and Olympic performance coach. It's like I don't have a big personality. So what was really helpful for me. So instead of asking people what they do, hey, so what do you do? I would say, what do you love to do? Hey, hi, I'm Stephanie. I'm a, you know, I'm here and I'm. Whether it was you and I at a party or something and I would just ask somebody, what do you love to do? And it changed the conversation because it wasn't about what they did for a living. Because that's so base. That's. So I'm not interested. Yes, if you, if it lights you up, I'm super interested. But what if they're, you know, a computer programming. But they love horses. I would rather talk about what they love to do. And to me that's intimacy. That's whether I never see that person again or not. I had a conversation that mattered not just to them, but to me. So for me, it's conversations that matter. It's not about Sherry. I mean, I can be exhausted at the end of a night after a party. That means nothing. I mean, we used to go to fundraisers and I mean some really amazing and high level and big money people and nobody gave a shit about what was really going on. And that was exhausting to me. So I think it's defining your own level of what you need to connect.
- [15:30]
Patrick O.
Well, I get that, that. But I think there's also. We have to consider some of the challenges that we face in relationships. So I'm going to give an example. So, you know, what are some of the signs that we're lacking intimacy, for example? And, you know, we have to say, okay, well, what are you guys talking about? You know, and how do I know if I'm not in an intimate relationship or how do I know that I'm lacking it? And we can spot it, and you can spot it in conversation because there's an emotional distancing that happens. It's one of the. I think the most common things that starts to happen is that a person is avoiding having any kind of a deep emotional connection. They don't want to share what's going on in terms of how they're feeling about certain things, or they're very guarded, or they're really struggling to express their emotions in an open and really in an honest way. And we see that men are famous for that. Right? It's like wives wanting to connect with their husbands. How was your day? What's going on? You seem upset. Nothing, nothing, nothing. And they take it on and they carry the weight. And it really is the avoidance of having those intimate conversations because many men, whether it be how they're brought up or the story they're telling themselves about a man, is that you carry that weight. You know, you're a man, you're a warrior. You know, you're not sharing how you feel about that. Because, of course, that's what all the war movie show. You know, there isn't intimacy in those movies. There isn't young men, many young men growing up, their fathers lacked that intimacy. You know, I was that person. I mean, my dad, the last thing I mean, he was one of those guys that the word intimacy had a totally different meaning to him. So I think when we. When we look at saying, well, how do I know if I'm missing it or somebody in my life is not willing to be intimate? It's often covering up those things. Right. What's your thoughts?
- [17:17]
Stephanie Hanlon
Well, it's funny you bring that up and I think you look back over time as, you know, in your 20s and 30s, and intimacy could just have meant sex. It could just been physical intimacy. It's like, that is what, for me, what a lot of guys and because I spent a lot of time working with men, is that intimacy meant, can I get laid? You know, can. Is there sex involved or foreplay or. That's intimacy. I'm touching you and I'm touching your boobs, and that's intimacy.
- [17:45]
Patrick O.
So.
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Stephanie Hanlon
And then they're with a girl or a woman who's saying, no, I want to connect. I want to. I want you to ask me how I'm doing. I want to know how you're doing. So your definition of intimacy could be different. And as you evolve through the generations and through your, you know, the decades of life is. Intimacy can change. I mean, right now, I mean, I'm. My heart is so full because we've got six puppies, you know, and. And two dogs, that my heart is giantly open. And it makes me feel more connected to you, which to me is an intimate experience together. And I don't know if. If that's been presented over time, that these kinds of experiences are entry points into intimacy and connection with people.
- [18:29]
Patrick O.
Yeah. And I mean, let's face it, there's all sorts of. Well, there's different types of intimacy. Right. So we can be. We often are talking about emotional intimacy or connected mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Right. So there is the physical intimacy, and there's intellectual intimacy, and there's spiritual and that spiritual intimacy. But there's also trust and vulnerability. Being, you know, having trust and being vulnerable is a level or a layer of intimacy that people can get into and interesting enough, you know what. And I don't want to step over being able to spend time with each other. That's. You are very much that way. You just want to. You sometimes remind me of Echo and Rango. You know, we don't have to talk. I just want you in my space. Come hang out with me. Okay. Well. What. I got things to do. Well, no, I just want you in my space. So for you, that being present to that is part of. That's intimacy for you, too. That's a part of what fills that cup for you.
- [19:29]
Stephanie Hanlon
Totally.
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Patrick O.
Am I wrong about that? I don't think I am.
- [19:31]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah, no, totally. And that's what's interesting, is that you don't have to do anything or say anything. For me, just being in there and connecting and being in the experience of us as a team and as a couple. And then what that gives me is that it fills a bucket in a way. Like if you look down, you know, I don't know if we've ever talked about it, but the five love languages is that there's really that, too, is that we have to understand who we are in a sense of what fills our cup in terms of intimacy and love language. I want to hang out with you, because I like you. And I like you. And then I want to talk to you. And then if you don't want to talk, then we can do stuff, or we can have a common, you know, interest in the puppies. And then I want to have sex with you. You know, so things lead to physical intimacy. But if you don't know that about the other person, then there could be a lot of blocks in, like, in some. For some reason, some guys are saying, like, my wife doesn't want to have sex with me and she doesn't find me attractive, or I don't find her attractive. Well, maybe there's something in this intimacy conversation that they could learn from 100%.
- [20:41]
Patrick O.
And there's a part of it, too, where part of intimacy is affection and appreciation. But it's interesting about affection. You can have affection, but if there isn't an appreciation in behind it, it lacks kind of that next layer of intimacy and that authenticity. Yeah, and authenticity. So, you know, when you look and you break it down. But let's go back a little bit and just talk about, I think, where we see the breakdown. You know, as we're working with clients, we have these different conversations, and we start to understand that as people are sharing what they're going through and what's happening for them, you know, there's that emotional distance that is showing up. That's often either showing up for. For somebody who's at the effect of it in a relationship, but there's also. Or it could be that person that is not willing to let their guard down, that actually feels that sharing those kind of fears, if you will, or what they're going through mentally, emotionally, spiritually, is actually a sign of weakness. Men do that. And I go back to what I said before, is that so many men get confused by what the word intimacy and what being intimate really means. So there's also lacking if there's a physical disconnect. Physical intimacy is really an essential part of any kind of close relationship, including our romantic partnerships. But if somebody is actually avoiding physical touch or sexual intimacy with their partner, it could actually indicate a real lack of intimacy, because that's what people need. And it could be a lot of things that just, I don't want to be. I don't want to touch you. I don't want to hug you. That's, again, that could be a sign that intimacy is breaking down. And then, of course, communication issues. That's a big one, right? If intimacy requires communication, and that could be a whole podcast, that could be A whole, whole podcast and having really meaningful conversations. And.
- [22:47]
Stephanie Hanlon
And what I love about this conversation, hun, is that I feel like when we do these conversations is that it. It just shows a level of intimacy for us. And because we, sometimes we fight in order to get to this. Like we want to have a topic and then we fight to. To align, but we don't ever shut each other down. And to me, there's a trust that is grounded, that builds that intimacy. And I'm wondering if maybe one of the conversations we can have going forward is when trust gets broken. So does intimacy.
- [23:21]
Patrick O.
Yeah, 100%. But there's something here I want to just kind of get to, because sometimes it's misunderstood, I think. So we talk about emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy, it really requires someone to share their thoughts or feelings, fears, where they're feeling vulnerable, and they're doing that with somebody that they trust and that they care about or that cares about them and is being really open, empathetic, and then you can listen and have these conversations. But there's. There is an intellectual intimacy. And, you know, the intellectual intimacy involves, you know, sharing ideas and interests and engaging in, you know, meaningful conversations that are more intellectual and they're stimulating from a, you know, like mentally stimulating, but that's also a connection with somebody else. It's still a very intimate conversation. So when I think about this podcast right now, this is a pretty intimate conversation for a podcast, I think. Maybe not. What's your thoughts?
- [24:24]
Stephanie Hanlon
No, I, Yeah, I agree. And I, I think that's what, you know, Cheryl sent us a note the other day, and she's cracking up because there's. Sometimes we argue on a podcast and we are trying to figure, you know, figure shit out as we go, and. But to me, that's a level of intimacy that we're willing to share with our listeners because we don't have a filter on being judged. And I think with the Bumble and the Tinder and the Grinder, you know, kind of culture that we've got going on right now is that it's generated with a physical intimacy first. And if that connection isn't there, then we don't get a chance to. Or people that are. Are in that world aren't getting a chance to get to that level of intellectual and. Or emotional intimacy because they're looking and they're swiping right or they're swiping left and it's all sexual or it's all physical attraction, which is. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. But there's a place where, you know, I'm not getting any younger.
- [25:22]
Patrick O.
It's a human need. I think that's the key. But having said all of that, there are things culturally that can get in the way or not even get in the way. It's just. That's what it is culturally, you know, but it's understanding that in bringing your awareness to the relationship that, you know, what is the gap in a relationship that you're stepping over or where is. And this is mostly, you know, I think in this conversation, relationship is not just significant others, but it's actually friends and the quality of friends. And, you know, as you know, I mean, I can count on one hand the number of men that I can have really meaningful conversations with. And, you know, I've been around on this planet a long time doing this work, but yet to really go where I like to go in terms of intimate conversations with men, it's not a lot. And this, again, goes to the SHIFT program, where I'm doing the inner warrior, which is being and introducing the concept of having those kind of conversations with other men and being in a space where you can actually share those thought processes and be safe to do so.
- [26:28]
Stephanie Hanlon
So, especially if they've never had it, like, yeah, I look at the players, the hockey players. I was in the NHL for almost 15 years, and one of the hardest things for me was to watch men not be able to connect with their teammates on a level that could actually empower them to be better players, to be better teammates, to be better fathers and husbands. Because there were so many archetypes that they were trying to, you know, and Personas they were trying to try on, and instead of just figuring out who they are, what they wanted, and then bringing that forward, it's a little bit different now. I. I'm seeing, you know, different athletes are bringing more of that level of masculinity and masculine intimacy. But there's also a place where it's being made wrong. And I think that's why it's so important. And I'm so excited that you're doing this work with the inner warrior, because it's not even the inner warrior as much as it's. Do you trust yourself to put yourself out there in an environment that you're choosing? Because if you're choosing this environment, for example, in shift, we've already vetted these people. These. These guys are. They're willing to open themselves up, but they also know they're not going to be judged. They're not going to be humiliated. They're not going to be shut down. And I think that's the biggest fear of a lot of guys.
- [27:46]
Patrick O.
Yeah, 100. And it shows weakness. You know, I think so many guys think that. But listen, intimacy just isn't about men and being intimate. And. And I'm not suggesting that men need to go out and cry their hearts out. That has nothing to do with any of it. The point is, can we have meaningful conversations, men and women in our relationships? Are you realizing that, or are you aware that maybe you need to sit down and have meaningful conversations, whether you're. Whatever significant other, whatever gender. Regardless, intimacy is about having meaningful conversations and actually getting that need met. And some people may be listening to this right now. Go. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I don't need any of that shit. So if you're that person. Okay, good. That's fine, too. It's not. Not nothing wrong. It's to bring awareness to it. Okay. Whose idea was intimacy? I still like the topic, but I think that's a.
- [28:38]
Stephanie Hanlon
It was yours and Jayden's. I wasn't involved. I was, like, hanging with the dogs.
- [28:42]
Patrick O.
Jayden's fault. Okay. I love it. I love it. So that's all I got. Anything you want to do to wrap this up?
- [28:49]
Stephanie Hanlon
Oh, my gosh. To me, this is one of my favorite topics. And I don't know if we've really connected it to mindset matters, but the truth is intimacy is a thought process. It's. Are you willing to be exposed and vulnerable? Share who you are, share your thoughts, share your feelings, and then, you know, if people don't accept you, okay, but the only way people can hurt you is with your permission. But if, for me, I'm willing to show up to be intimate, to connect, and if people reject me, I'm like, okay, you're a loss.
- [29:23]
Patrick O.
We haven't really connected it to mindset, and I think that it's all mindset. I think that there's a understanding that, you know, what makes us better people is being able to have conversations that matter, to talk it through, to actually have a conversation with somebody, that we can be vulnerable, that we can put what we're thinking, feeling, put it out there and have somebody mirror back, maybe even what they're hearing. Even though they can be empathetic and have compassion and all the rest of it, they can sometimes hold up a mirror and say, well, maybe there's another way to look at this. Maybe you're living into an old story. And maybe it's just a meaningful conversation for you that day, and it isn't any more than that, but at least you got to express it in a space that you felt safe doing that. That's healthy. That's healthy for the mindset. It's healthy for the mind, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It's good stuff. That's all I got.
- [30:12]
Stephanie Hanlon
Yeah, let's exclamation point on that, babe.
- [30:15]
Patrick O.
Okay. Thanks for this intimate conversation.
- [30:18]
Stephanie Hanlon
I know that was fun. And I won't see you on October 30th.
- [30:21]
Patrick O.
I'll be there.
- [30:22]
Stephanie Hanlon
Me too. That was fun.
- [30:25]
Patrick O.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends, as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions, or questions you'd like answered, please email me@ceoraincanada.com that's ceorincanada.com I look forward to hearing from you. And until next time, Patrick O.