Patrick Hanlon (2:39)

Cool. Hold that thought. Let me finish. So the thing about that is those who are on a growth journey is that it can often be a really lonely place because you don't necessarily resonate with your old friends or peers, maybe even you don't resonate with some of your family. And you haven't yet built a new life. It's not like you've blown things up and moved to a new city and whatever, right? You haven't found a new tribe that really fits the person that you want to grow into or that you're growing into. You feel the pull of change, but there's no welcoming party or welcome committee on the other side. And so you start to recognize that this is literally the discomfort of transition. But now you really feel alone. And so this is what we could call the lonely chapter of the book of life.

Stephanie Hanlon (3:33)

Oh, that's good.

Patrick Hanlon (3:35)

You like that. I know.

Stephanie Hanlon (3:37)

A lot.

Patrick Hanlon (3:38)

So most people don't talk about it because. And as you and I know, because real change, the kind that actually shifts your identity and your worldview, if you will, your values, it's, it's rare. It's not just about changing. It's not like you're. Okay, let's put it this way, it's not like you're changing your job or your hair or a couple of habits. It's about really upgrading your operating system, your inner operating system. And that kind of change, as you know, and as we know collectively can be really uncomfortable. It's often judged, sometimes it's even ridiculed. And you know, think about the people that say, you know, why are you doing all this personal development stuff, this fluffy woo woo crap, you know, what's wrong with the way you were? And so why are you eating like that? What is this old meditating every morning or journaling, you know, what are you going to be a monk? So even if you're committed, but you don't have community, it's starting. It's. Well, I shouldn't say it's starting. It's easy to start second guessing yourself. And you may feel like you're just climbing a wall or there's no handholds, you're alone, you're uncertain. And this is where we get sometimes stuck and we get tempted to go back to the way things were. And it's not because it was working, it's because it was familiar, it was easy. We don't feel the judgment. But here's, I think the reality that temptations to turn back isn't a bug, it's actually a feature. It's part of the experience of The.

Stephanie Hanlon (5:13)

It isn't a what? It isn't a bug.

Patrick Hanlon (5:15)

It's not a bug. It's a feature.

Stephanie Hanlon (5:19)

It's a feature of the system.

Patrick Hanlon (5:21)

Right. It's like the operating system. Stay with me here.

Stephanie Hanlon (5:26)

Let me catch up here. If I have a question, you need to pause and let me ask a question.

Patrick Hanlon (5:30)

No, you can't ask a question yet. Oh, oh, you have to wait.

Stephanie Hanlon (5:34)

Our listeners have a question.

Patrick Hanlon (5:35)

Well, they. But when I give you the whole context, we'll talk about it. Okay, so save your questions till the end.

Stephanie Hanlon (5:41)

Okay. Oh my God, I feel like I'm at a seminar.

Patrick Hanlon (5:44)

Okay. So I'm excited about this. So the temptation to turn back is not a bug, it's a feature. So the operating system, that's the, you know, the context of the operating system. It's not a bug, it's a feature. It's part of the experience that you gain on your journey while you walk the path of that transformation. So when you choose to grow, you are in a very unfamiliar space, a kind of right, a kind of identity to no man's land. And that's why so many talk about changing, but few actually make the change. And this is something that we often kind of look and going, holy cow, what is it? Is it us? What are we doing wrong? But it really is hard because people don't want to change. They want change, but they don't want to change. So here's the thing. If you want to change, you're being pulled forward by a vision, hopefully. But. But it's not supported by results. So it isn't cause and effect. It's, you know, you're, you're moving and you're having to trust that the vision, there will be an effect, but there's not cause and effect. And so that's all to say. That's why, you know, community matters. Surrounding yourself with like minded people, listening to the Mindset Matters podcast, reaching out to Stephanie and I, that's all part of it. So changing is actually rare than most people realize because a lot of people talk about it. There's lots of gurus, there's lots of people like us who are trying to support people in making changes and helping them choose their path. But very few do it. And it requires clarity, hence clarity to gain momentum. And clarity, of course, equals velocity in our world. But the velocity creates friction. And this is the key. Velocity creates friction. And sometimes that friction feels like isolation and it feels like heat. So that's what I want to talk about today, why it's so Hard. That's where I'm at. I gave it a good context just now. You even talk.

Stephanie Hanlon (7:54)

May I put in my hand?

Patrick Hanlon (7:55)

You can talk now. Did you raise your hand? Okay.

Stephanie Hanlon (7:59)

No, it's good. And I think what's really interesting too, this is fascinating to me because we didn't prep this one at all. You've been really buried in work and writing and vibing on the road and trying to get grounded back at home. But what I really got to recently is that when we talk about change and we talk about shifting and we talk about growing, I truly believe that. That I don't know if it's most people or the people I've been talking to recently is that they're trying to shift their external reality so that they don't have to actually change who they are. They're really locked into the, the, the, the stories that they are the, the avatar or the person or the Persona that they've developed. And I think the difference for me and what I've really tried to do and I think with us is that because we've been committed, we've been change agents trying to change, trying to. Not that there's anything wrong with us. That's the thing. You don't change because there's something wrong. You change because I know, and for me, I know there's something better, not grander or more grandiose, but just something kinder, gentler, more powerful, maybe more abundant. And maybe I'm in my own way of receiving that kind of thing. So when I think about change, I think about what small change do I have to make in the direction of who I want to be. And to me, I think when, when we talk about people and with our clients, et cetera, that, you know, they want to change, they have to become someone different, you know, to become an Olympic champion or to become, you know, an everyday millionaire, everyday billionaire who we've of course recently celebrated with is that the changes are incremental. It's not about blowing your life up. And I think that's what I'm really. Ever look at your bank account and just go, why? You're smart, you work hard, but when it comes to money, you avoid it like an exit Whole Foods and can't seem to get ahead. Maybe you think building wealth is only for the rich or people with six figure inheritances. That's not true. You don't need a finance degree to get good with money. You just need a plan and some. Someone to break it down like a friend and not a spreadsheet that's what Million L is all about. Real talk, real steps and no shame. That's million plus E L L E.

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Stephanie Hanlon (11:22)

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Patrick Hanlon (11:50)

Hearing you saying that's definitely it. And so before we go on that path though, I'm waiting with bated breath to hear your story of who you talk to today. And I got a couple stories I want to share too. But who did you talk to yesterday or today?

Stephanie Hanlon (12:04)

This morning. So Char and I were talking about, you know, about just transformation and what, what sort of has to happen. And I was talking about how lonely I feel right now because I feel like many of my old term friends and people that I've relied on over the years, they are also changing and they're engaging and entering into a new phase of their life, and I honor that. And at the same time, I'm really feeling that I'm shifting and I guess pulling back some of the stuff that I. That I used to be familiar with. My intuition is firing like. Like I am creating stuff, like, is incredible. Like I'm back to the world where I can create parking stalls and I'm. There's. There's so much flow in my life and know there's no. No resistance in things that I'm doing. And so when I get into that zone and that flow, I really understand and realize that that's a. A mindset and a commitment that I have to moving forward. So what I brought up today, and I was really. I was kind of sad because I realized in some ways that I feel like right now I have no friends and I don't have. I mean, I have my old friends. Like, I have my friends that I can just call up and they just get me and they know I'm a crazy person and they laugh and we cry together and all that stuff. But I feel like I'm in that zone where I'm about to flip the page. I don't know what's on the next page. And that's what we talked about today, is that I don't know if it's a dimensional shift, if it's a spiritual shift, or it's just the willingness to let some of the old patterns go in the old way of being go. Because I think in the last four or five years, you know, I entered some. I entered some survival mode. And I think survival, whether it was paying the mortgage, taking care of the dogs, taking care of the property, taking care of the businesses, closing a store, opening a store, like just getting into the survival mode of what happened there. There's some residual PTSD that I think that I'm actually might be having to heal. So we talked about trauma in. In the terms of the big T, you know, big T trauma, which I don't have a lot of, or the little T trauma, which I think over the last few years that really starting to see that I went into protection mode. And maybe that's what kind of has made me hesitate to turn the next page.

Patrick Hanlon (14:18)

Well, I think there's a lot of, you know, do you point a little bit about that? Right. Is. Is as much as we're working always to kind of have that awareness and, you know, lean into being the best versions of ourself, whatever that might be, we're also Experiencing a new world. I think, you know, there has been a huge shift in, you know, societal shifts. You know, the divisiveness, the polarity, all that stuff exists. The social construct changes. You know, it, it used to be a joke is that, you know, we're all part of the matrix. And, and the reality of it is, is that we are part of whatever matrix matrix it is. And then we're saying, well, no, I'm going to red pill or blue pill or whatever pill, we want to take a white pill. You know, why don't we check out of his matrix? Because we don't want to live in this particular dynamic. Now, having said all that, it's not about stuff externally, it's about internal. So, you know, there's a, a part of the change that we go through. So I think about, literally it's. It'll be, well, it's not quite two years, but a couple of years ago, if you remember, I got really focused on, you know, my fitness and my health and, and mental health and then saying, you know, who do I want to be? How do I want to show up? How do I want to occur going forward? And I used, you know, in my own words, I said, you know, my hack is. I'm envisioning, I'm looking at myself at this age, and I'm comparing, not comparing, but I'm, I'm using Kennedy as a, as kind of, you know, I. There's a lot of qualities about him that I admire. I don't know the man first, but. And he could be all the things he is. What I focused on is the fact that he's almost 70 years old. He's physically very, very good. He's well spoken, he's still very active. He's still making a difference in the world. A big, huge impact. I'm going, okay, so that those, I want to adopt those qualities. Right? So, you know, I quit drinking and I stayed pretty fit. I continue to train and. But if I look at myself, if I stand back and go, have I changed? I don't know the answer to the question. I feel like I'm handling and looking at the world through a different lens, if you will. I've had a ton of fun and, you know, speaking and, and working and kind of introducing the whole concept of the everyday millionaire and everyday success and the min way and all the things that we talked about over the past several episodes. But I don't know if I got a benchmark. Like, I don't know if I'm going, like, was There if there was a stake in the ground two years ago. I don't know if I've grown Now, having said that.

Stephanie Hanlon (16:51)

No, wait. Stop. Don't step over that, cowboy. You said you don't know if you've grown or. We were talking about you don't know if you've changed. I think growth and change are two different things. So let's. I don't know if we want to pack that today, but are they.

Patrick Hanlon (17:05)

I don't know if they are.

Stephanie Hanlon (17:06)

I. I don't know. I. But I think when I was listening to you speak, I was like, okay, I. I see your growth. I see you with the avatar, the RFK Jr. Avatar, not knowing his history, his background, his politics, his. I guess he's got some, you know, personal issues, like we all do. I mean, ours aren't just.

Patrick Hanlon (17:24)

Right. Damn right.

Stephanie Hanlon (17:26)

But that's okay. I mean, we choose the qualities of the people that we admire, that we want to aspire to, and that's exercise. We do a lot in our coaching is choose three people alive or dead, you know, or don't know that. That you notice their qualities. I do the same thing. And when. When I hear you speak, I go, you know what? Not only do I see you have grown, but I do see you've changed and change in a way that I find that your level of empathy and patience has elevated. Has evolved your. Your patience with me has evolved your awareness of things. And I think there's, you know, the commitment to your physical health maybe has made you step back and go, okay, well, let, you know, how do I want to show up in the world? But when I see you and how much patience you have with my. With me, because I'm still a bit of a shit show. I'm still emotionally driven. I still have to access that kind of. That intuition and spirituality that kind of. Is a little bit not of this plane. So you have that place where you can ground me. And at the same time, we're running multiple businesses and with personality management and people that we have to really support and help them through their own stuff. You have seemed to. I don't know whether you found a new superpower.

Patrick Hanlon (18:48)

I'm going to be talking in superpowers because we're doing that with Breakfast Club. Okay. So I want to share something with you. It's really hard for me to share because it really, you know, of course, you know, there's that conversation of, you know, sharing some insights into yourself that I don't want it to sound like I don't want it to sound boastful, which is weird, right? Like I don't because it's not coming from that place at all. But I wanted to share something really interesting and, and this is real time. I've not shared this with you. I shared one story with you. If you recall, I met with a, a banking executive and we had a great conversation and I was helping her deal with some issues that she's got going on and some goals that she has and wants to achieve within her business, within the, the, the role that she plays as a, as a, a banking executive and the, the communication with her clients, et cetera. So all that. Anyways, we had a great conversation. We said, well, maybe there's some things that we can, you know, would create some mutually beneficial opportunities, et cetera, et cetera. So she then, after that she was walked away and then she emailed me later and she said, you know, I just want to say that that was an amazing conversation. And she goes, I feel like I over talked. But she says, you just create this space where I felt so safe and wanted to share with you what, blah, blah, right. And I would, of course I was, I thought, well, that's really nice. I go, wow, I'm really glad I showed up. I've never had somebody ever say that to me in that way. So funny story, I have another meeting today and the person I'm on the call with, we're riffing off some things, you know, we have some ideas where can we, you know, mutually do some work together, create something. And about an hour in he goes, holy crap, I got another meeting. We're in for it. He says, we've been into this for an hour. He goes, I don't know what it is, but, but every time I sit with you and have these conversations, I just want to share all this stuff. And he says, I just feel so safe when I'm in your presence to be able to have these conversations and not feel stupid. And I go, well, hey, no problem. That's awesome. I'm really, really glad. But my awareness of that was, I've never had anybody say it that way. And I had two people in two days and two different conversations share with me. And I went, wow, isn't that great? So for me I'm going, I don't know how I'm showing up differently than I have in the past, but however I'm showing up was a result of my intention, a result of my commitment to, you know, really being tapped into compassion and empathy and listening and seeking first to understand and do all those things. And I go to myself, I'm going, that must be working. Keep it up. So anyways, I, I share that with you only in that I was, you know, really humbled by it and also really happy that that's the experience that people had in talking business with me and, and sharing some of the challenges that they had and some of the creativity that they'd like to initiate and what they're doing and how we could partner and how I, you know, so it was really great. It was really good. So I share that. Why was I sharing that? Oh, because obviously at some level I've changed.

Stephanie Hanlon (22:09)

Well, you know what's really funny because we've also had the opposite in the last little while, is that we've got people in our world who are just think we're just idiots, right? Like, oh, true. Don't know even what we're talking about. So that's the paradox, right? Like, we try so hard, we think we're contributing and we. And then we've got people that just push back and go, you guys don't know what we even talking about right now. And so I think there's some. Something in there where we have to pull the thread on what is working and then look at what isn't working at the same time and not take either of them personally.

Patrick Hanlon (22:44)

Yeah, well, all I can say is this, is that the person that complimented me and was really happy was far more credible than.

Stephanie Hanlon (22:52)

They're more credible. It's just maybe they're more experienced or more. Or aligned with your values.

Patrick Hanlon (22:57)

I know what, that's what I wanted to hear anyway. So that's great. But that's not what. Actually, this isn't about us. This is about change and the fact that as we go through these kind of times where we are looking at ourselves and saying something, we want to shift how we view the world. We want to shift how we show up. We want to shift how we relate to people, how we hear people. How can we be the best version of ourselves? How can we grow? How can we lean into what's next for us? Change can be very lonely. And there are times where people don't even want to talk to you. They don't want to talk to you about it. They don't know who you are. They don't know what to talk about. It's like really uncomfortable. And so it's lonely. As you go through that phase of change, the good news is you and I are kind of wired the same.

Stephanie Hanlon (23:49)

Yeah, I Think there's a difference between really feeling alone in the last little while around growth and development and missing my kind of back to the, you know, circling back to the beginning of the conversation is missing my old self. Like I, I used to be able to change or kind of not, not manipulate, but like alter myself to make other people feel comfortable and make them feel heard and, and not kind of bring what was going on for me to the conversation. I remember thinking at the end of a lunch or, or a night out or something going, know what? Nobody even asked me about myself. And I, I had to get okay with that. And I had a good friend at Christmas time at, at her Christmas party and I said, you know, I, this is the first time somebody's actually even asked me about myself. And she goes, why do you need that? And I went, that's so true. Because I don't, I don't. But if we say, okay, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, and I'm not lonely, which is so cool. Like even just with the dogs or by myself or with you or walking the property or doing my errands, going to the rink, going to Montreal, going to Colorado. I was alone, you know, I was alone and I wasn't lonely. And that's the difference. Right now I think about turning the page into this new chapter.

Patrick Hanlon (25:14)

So interesting that you say that because in the particular article that I wrote, I actually said, the shift is this. You're not alone. You're just ahead. You're ahead of your old patterns, you're ahead of your past self and soon you'll catch up to yourself and others will catch up to you, or you will in fact attract those like minded individuals, you know, those who have made the same choices, have kind of faced similar headwinds and continued on and were okay with where they came and the new friends they have and the new people that they've met and the new clarity that they have. But change requires leaning into things. You know, clarity equals velocity. It's all catchy. But to get that clarity takes work. To have a process for decision making, for having an awareness of, you know, thinking about what you're thinking about, listening and being willing to look at those hidden beliefs that are keeping you stuck and the willingness to do hard things, you know, that help you grow, not just cope. Remember when we worked with Dr. Paul Stoltz? You know, there was that, you know, he had that. I don't remember what the example was, but you know, he'd ask people, we talked about the Adversity quotient. And people would go, you know, in, in their world, facing adversity was about coping.

Stephanie Hanlon (26:45)

Right.

Patrick Hanlon (26:46)

You know, and that they could cope with the adversity as opposed to lean into it and shift and actually leverage adversity and be happy with it and, you know, deal with it as opposed to coping with it. So.

Stephanie Hanlon (27:00)

Oh, coping. That's such like that, that word just. I know, shuts me down.

Patrick Hanlon (27:06)

So here's some self reflecting questions, you know, because within the newsletter, within the Lyft newsletter, what I'm going to do is I'm going to create a context, provide a metaphor and then some questions, some questions that help you reflect. So here's some questions. So where in your life are you feeling the tension between who you were and who you're becoming? I don't, you know, I'm going to answer that question for myself. I don't know if I feel tension because I just want so much to just grow and to keep being a better version of me. I don't know. That's a weirdness of me. Okay.

Stephanie Hanlon (27:49)

Are you asking me?

Patrick Hanlon (27:50)

Yeah. What's yours?

Stephanie Hanlon (27:52)

Well, just gonna, just kind of reverse back to what you said is that, you know, if you never changed. I remember the night before we got married, my mom asked me, I was at their house and I was having a bath and. And she said to me, how you doing? I said, good. She goes, so if Patrick never changed, he's exactly the same man right now that he's going to be for the next 55 or 65 years that you're going to be together, and he's exactly the same and he never changed. Would you still marry him? I said, yes, so I didn't need you to change. And I remember that because I, I remember that night. I go, we're so committed to change and personal growth and all this stuff. And I just sat back and go, I don't need him to change.

Patrick Hanlon (28:40)

Yeah, interesting, right? That without going down that rabbit hole, how many people go, when we get married? I know he or she.

Stephanie Hanlon (28:51)

But I think maybe that's why we're still married.

Patrick Hanlon (28:53)

Yeah, maybe because I didn't need you to change.

Stephanie Hanlon (28:55)

And I remember her reaction was, wow, then you may have found the right man.

Patrick Hanlon (29:02)

Yeah, there you go. Okay, I'm going to carry on. Okay, so what? Familiar discomforts are still pulling at you. Familiar discomforts are still pulling at you. As soon as I kind of created and you know, and I do lots of research on this stuff too, by the way, but when, you know A familiar discomfort. For me, what it landed is. Familiar discomforts are people in your life that annoy the out of you and that you wish would just go away. But you have to be in their life where you feel like you have to. To me, that's a familiar discomfort. I'm just using that as an example. So familiar discomforts, you know, could be, why do I overeat and then have a food hanger over food hangover the next day, but then I continue to do that or I over drink or I over whatever.

Stephanie Hanlon (29:50)

When was the last time you over ate or over drink?

Patrick Hanlon (29:54)

I'm not talking about me. I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about in general. So settle down.

Stephanie Hanlon (29:59)

Talk about you. That's why.

Patrick Hanlon (30:01)

Okay, I don't. I'm trying to think. I probably have some familiar discomforts because I am a creature.

Stephanie Hanlon (30:07)

You are.

Patrick Hanlon (30:08)

I love getting up early. I love my time. I love my writing. Like don't, don't mess with my mornings. That's. You know that, right? I know.

Stephanie Hanlon (30:17)

And recently, because I was on eastern time for the last little while, I've been getting up early and going out and visiting you with my coffee. And I'm sure it's like messing with your mojo.

Patrick Hanlon (30:25)

No, no, no, no. I love it. You come out to the office, you have coffee with me, you bring the hounds and just big family having a coffee. It's wonderful. Okay.

Stephanie Hanlon (30:34)

That was your alone time for the longest time.

Patrick Hanlon (30:36)

I know, but I'm okay. It's. Yeah, I'm. I'm happy about that when you come out. So now who in your life currently supports your growth and who subtly or not so subtly resists it now? The cool in our life, everybody in our life supports our growth. That's because this many years later, if you want to be, if you want to be in our life, you better be okay with these kinds of conversations and talking about growth and you know, how we can be better and you know all those things. So I don't, I don't know that I can't think of anybody in our life that resists it or does it. So I don't have that in my life that I can think of.

Stephanie Hanlon (31:15)

You used to.

Patrick Hanlon (31:17)

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the olden days. Okay? Those days are gone.

Stephanie Hanlon (31:20)

The olden days. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I, I think you're right. I don't have anybody right now, I think in my life that resists my growth or would get in the way of that or wouldn't be curious. But I also know I have people in my life that aren't interested. They're in their world, and they like me in the avatar that I am in their life. So when you think about it, one of the things that I really, really have gotten recently and I've been giving a lot of thought to, is every time I see somebody, I want to see them for who they are today and not who they used to be in my memory or whatever, you know, And I want to be the same for them. Like, I know I ran into some people and I ran into one of my coach. One of my coach colleagues in Montreal ran into somebody I coached 35 years ago in Australia who knew me in a different world, with a different name, with a different experience. So her memory of her is very different than his memory of me. And they were trying to kind of make it work in the conversation, and it was so confusing. So for the first time, when I saw him just recently, recently in Montreal, he didn't even know if he could come and talk to me. He's like, do I really know you? Because this woman had a very different memory of me. Not that it was bad, it's just that I was a very different person. I was, you know, teaching figure skating, and I was in a different world with a different value system that I was thinking that figure skating and synchro skating and all that kind of stuff was going to be, you know, where I was going to be. And then I changed that and I became a very different person. Entrepreneur and real estate investor. And I married you. And now I'm a performance coach with Olympic athletes. So they were trying to kind of connect who the. Who I was in his world and who I was in her world 35 years later. So cool and so weird, right? Because it really threw him off. He's like, pretty sure I thought I knew you. And I said to him, I said, you know what? You haven't actually really ever asked me about myself. You've just experienced me as this. And that's. I think something we can unpack on a different podcast is who we are in other people's memories at different stages of our life is true or is it not true? Or how do we. Because you think about every time you meet somebody or I meet somebody, that's my experience of them and vice versa. So that's who we become in their memory and in our memory. Right.

Patrick Hanlon (33:47)

Well, that's a whole different conversation around identity. So, you know, somebody says, well, Stephanie's an award winning Olympic and world class mental performance coach. That's what you do. It's not who you are. Yeah. So interesting.

Stephanie Hanlon (34:04)

I had someone last week, say, are you still with the Oilers?

Patrick Hanlon (34:08)

And I went, see, that was. You just look at him and go, that was the olden days. Okay, let's call this a wrap. I think we covered a lot of ground. That was kind of fun.

Stephanie Hanlon (34:19)

I was really, really fun. Thanks, son.

Patrick Hanlon (34:21)

Okay, so sign off. Know thyself, Be true to thy self. Stephanie Vance.

Stephanie Hanlon (34:28)

Thank you. That was fun.

Patrick Hanlon (34:31)

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends, as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for. For you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions, or questions you'd like answered, please email me@ceoaincanada.com that's C E O R E I N Canada.com I look forward to hearing from you. And until next time. Patrick. Oh.