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The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
Mindset Matters - Episode #232 - Mind the Gap: The Hidden Power of Life Transitions
00:34:05
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- [00:00]
A
Foreign. Welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast, where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Francie. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as Mindset Matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in. Enjoy. Stephanie, welcome.
- [00:52]
B
Hi, hon.
- [00:54]
A
So, in classic Patrick and Stephanie way, of course I'm going to come up with a topic. I came up with a topic. I'm not going to give you a bunch of information about it, but I will read this parable and to set the context for a listener, and then you can. And then I want to kind of riff off a couple things. This is about transitions, okay? And I'm talking about transitions because you're just off your quadrennial. You're just away. You just got back from Olympics and then Worlds, and now you and your clients, your many athletes, you've got some that are retiring, some that are just getting fired up again, some that are changing who they skate with, as in their partners. Partners changing. So it's about transitions, about what's going on. I mean, transitions in the world, what's happening economically. I mean, there's a lot of things going on. So that's what I'm going to hit on.
- [01:43]
B
Oh, this is exciting. Okay, hit me.
- [01:45]
A
Okay, so let me start with the parable. Here we go. This parable is called the bridge. You don't see. So a man spent 30 years crossing the same river. Every morning, same path, same rhythm, same same steps. He knew every rock, every current, and every sound. That river fed his family. It built his identity. It was his life. Then one year, the water began to dry up. At first, he just ignored it. It's just a season. That's what he told himself. But the current weakened. It got less. The fish began to disappear. And one morning, he stood there. And he realized there was nothing left to cross. So he sat on the bank doing nothing. Days turned into weeks. He kept staring at the old crossing, replaying it in his mind. I know this river. I've mastered it. Why would I leave something I'm so darn good at? But mastery doesn't stop change. One afternoon, an older woman passed by. She didn't stop at the river. She walked past it into the trees. The man called out to her, where are you going? There's nothing going that way, she replied. There's another river, but you won't see it from here. Reluctantly, he followed. The path was unfamiliar, uneven, quiet. No markers, no proof he was heading anywhere useful. And that was the hardest part. Not the walking, but the not knowing. Eventually they reached a ridge. Below it ran a wider, stronger river than the first. A different current, different terrain. No familiar stepping stones. The man hesitated. I don't know how to cross this. The woman nodded. Of course you don't. This river requires a different version view. So he stepped in. Awkward at first. Slower, less certain. But something else showed up. Awareness, Presence. Adaptation. He stopped relying on memory and started paying attention. He became present. Months later, he crossed that river with confidence. Not because it became the same as the first, but because he. He had changed. Isn't that a nice parable?
- [04:12]
B
Wow. I didn't know where it was going, but yeah, I totally get it.
- [04:16]
A
That guy didn't know where it was going either. We don't know where some things are going when we're in transition. We ourselves are in transition. We're sitting, talking, are we leaving British Columbia? Are we selling our home? Are we moving back to Alberta? You know, we've got lots of things going on. Business as the businesses as we age and we go, oh, do we want to keep working this hard? All. Are we working hard? Are we working too hard? Not hard enough. What are we doing? Where are we going? What is it we want to do? You just came off your quadrennial many years working with athletes. The same athletes. You hit Olympics, you then went to Worlds. We just got back from a vacation in Europe that we added on to. Your work at Worlds was wonderful. Now transition. So what's your thoughts about that? How do we navigate these transitions? Because it can be very stressful when things are changing and what you were once used to comfortable with is now going away. Or you see the change happening. It's like this old man watching the river slowly dry up, doing nothing. He wasn't even thinking that it was changing. And then one day he was in it. He was looking at a dried up river, nothing to cross. So what's your thought about this?
- [05:40]
B
Well, I think change is inevitable. You know, my mom always used to say the only thing you can count on in life is, you know, change, death and taxes, you know, those are the only things that are consistent. And when you Think about the word consistent. You don't think about the word change. Right? People want to get a different result, but they don't want to have to change. So change is something that we put out there as something inspirational or something that we need to do in order to go somewhere new. We have to change our opinion, our outlook, or sometimes we have to change our outfit, you know, in order to go into different scenarios. But change is probably one of the most powerful and the most important concepts to embrace as we're going into a forward and going forward in our life. And, you know, you said something. Are we considering moving back to Alberta? No, we're not going back anywhere. If we choose to move to Alberta, it will be going to Alberta or it'll be going to sub Panama or Costa Rica, or we're going, we're not going back. It's like people every September go, yeah, we're going back to school. No, you're not. There's no going back. And I think the concept of thinking that we can go back and that's where the safety zone is. Safety isn't in the back, isn't in the past. But it's familiar. What we're afraid of is the uncertainty of the future. So it's easier instead of staying in the moment or in the when in the what's important now we go, oh, well, you know, I'll just go to. I'll go back to Alberta, I'll go back to school. I'll go back to what's comfortable, back to what I know, back to the values that worked for me in high school and college and university. Well, we can't do that. And I think it's a big fat lie. And what I, you know, I remember going to London for the very first time with my grandmother back in the 80s. And we went down, you know, we're taking the tube and I see this. We get bound to the platform. There's a big line painted on the, on the platform and it says, mind the gap. Yes, mind the gap. And I remember thinking at a young age going, oh, that's genius. Because you're going from a platform, that which is stable and certain, to a train which is unstable and uncertain and fast. And you're going somewhere where you haven't been before and you have to mind that. The gap. So I remember thinking that over the years, you know, what gap am I minding or am I ignoring or am I not minding? Because again, my mom always said how you finish one thing is how you start another. And if we don't honor those transitions, respect them, celebrate them, grieve them, whatever it is, then whatever we're starting next isn't as powerful.
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A
Oh, you said a lot in that. But the I'm pretty brilliant. You are brilliant. So you know what?
- [08:25]
B
Sometimes we have to decide that we're brilliant and decide that we're Hercules or unstoppable. Even if it's true, it's not fake it till you make it. It's about setting the intention, about how you want to show up. Because the gap can be a tsunami, it can be a crevasse, it could be, you know, the Grand Canyon, or it could be something that you just honor and you hold your hand out and somebody holds their hand out, and then that gap gets transitioned and honored in a way. But if we don't take the time to just say, okay, how do I want to show up as I go through this change? Because the version of myself that I have to leave on the platform in order to get on the tube, for example, is a different person. I have to be curious or adventurous or open minded or something because I'm not on solid ground. And I think what happens is that as we go through transitions in life, whether it's, you know, we call it era, the era work. For example, one era is ending and another era is beginning. But the one that's ending, the era that's over, for example, with some of the skaters you brought up at the beginning, is that their careers are coming to a close. And that era of being a competitive athlete, knowing your schedule, eight hours a day, five days a week, weekends off travel, first class travel, first class airline, first class hotels, buses, security, all those things, that era will come to an end. And what do we have to do and who do we have to become so that when we know that era is coming to an end, we don't shut down or we don't sabotage. And I think that's what happens with a lot of people. They sense that something's coming to an end, even a relationship, it's coming possibly to a transition. So instead of going through the transition to maybe potentially elevate, they sabotage. And it's easier to break up or shut down or leave something and make it wrong. It's easier to do that rather than just honor the gap of the nothingness, the unknown, that distance between where I am now and where it is that I want to go.
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A
Well, okay, so let's unpack a couple things and I am going to go back, I'm going to return to the conversation about Alberta where you're right, we're not going back to Alberta. We're considering returning to Alberta. But it will be a different world and a different view of the world when we get there. It's not the Albert winter.
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B
We won't be there in the winter. Just FYI, we do go.
- [10:50]
A
If we return to Alberta, we won't be there in the winter. Let's make that clear. Okay, so, but that's an interesting point that you made. I think that is, it's a really great point. So we aren't going back, we're returning to Alberta. There's a difference, a lot of difference in just those two words. Returning to as in, as opposed to going back. I think it's important that language and the words we choose do have an impact because if we're returning to Alberta, we're going into Alberta with a new set of eyes, a set of new views. We're totally different people. We've lived in British Columbia. We have returned to Alberta on business, on a monthly basis. We're always there.
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B
It's not like we've fully left.
- [11:30]
A
Yes, we've never fully left. But we would consider that if you're were considering returning to Alberta on a full time basis, we're going to be looking at it through a totally different set of eyes, different set of filters. Going back and, or returning to Alberta. Even watching my language right now as I'm thinking through this is returning to Alberta. We are going to be returning as new, I guess new people in that context, who we will become as we transition into Alberta. Should we go there now? I don't know.
- [12:02]
B
We were going for reasons just that, you know, don't step over, over that. We're doing it if we, if this is what we're doing. We're doing it consciously. Yes, we're doing it consciously in the way that who we were 20 years ago when we moved to BC, consciously moved to BC we weren't going back to anything. It was new, it was, I was, we were curious, it was unknown, it was uncertain. The same as, you know, if we end up, you know, moving to Alberta. I don't even say returning because it's a different province. We're doing it for different reasons and different values. And I think that's what happens when you think about change in your life. Whether you're leaving a relationship, for example, or you're returning to something that is more familiar or you're moving into the unknown or the uncertainty, like what does it take to do that? And to honor the gap, mind the gap, you know, because again, like I said, my mom always said, how you end something is how you begin, what's next. So there's a certain level of completion and honoring the now and where you've come from instead of just thinking, well, this isn't working anymore, so I'm out. And then what? And then you're kind of sitting there going, I have no idea what just happened. So I think it's how do we slow down long enough knowing that there's going to be a transition or the end of an era? What if this is the end of the era of us living in British Columbia? To me, I'm not ready, I'm not ready to leave the weather, our property, the, you know, but I'm really struggling with what's happening politically and economically. And so my values are battling. So the gap can also honor the battle of your values so that you can go back and forth and be on the ping pong table and go, this is right and this is wrong. But if we don't have the personal and the, I guess the sense of self that allows us to be uncertain and to go back and forth and to swing on that. What's that thing called pendulum that goes back and forth and we think we're crazy, well, one day we're going to do it and one day we're not. And then until we allow that pendulum to come to a gentle stop, then we haven't really fully minded the gap because in the gap is where all that uncertainty lives.
- [14:17]
A
You know, there's such, I mean, you've hit it really on a lot of great stuff. So think about, I want to just kind of keep it dialed in so we have some clear points that listeners can hit on. First off, I don't want to step over new era completion. Think about as you shift from one era to the other, honor the era that you're transitioning from, which means completion. What are you going to bring forward with you? What are you going to leave behind? What can you control? What can't you control? Back to what you said around the pendulum through transition, there's always a lot of emotion and the emotion screen and they go from one extreme to the other. You know, the highs, the lows. And does the pendulum come back? Do you give the pendulum the space to come back to center? Do you go through the process of thinking about what you can control, what you can't control? What do you want? You don't know. Well, what do. I don't want well, sometimes we know those things. So we go through the process. And I think it's the process of elimination, if you will, of things that you definitely don't want is sometimes easier than defining what you want, especially if you're going into a new environment. So I'm thinking about different ways to approach the transition. So when we talk about your athletes, world class, Olympic class, those who've got medals, those who have not, they're leaving the competitive world, going into whatever is next for them. Are they transitioning and really honoring the era and the completion so that they're not operating on top of incompletion? Are they completing with relationships? Are they clear on the new stand that they're taking? Are they thinking about who they will need to become to enter this new environment, this new world that they're considering going back to? Are they going to be curious? How are they going to show up? So lots to think about in the world of transition. So as you're working with many of your clients who are in all different forms of completion and transition, some are staying, some are going, some have got new partners, some are going, I don't have a partner. So what is the guidance? I mean, you've given a lot of really great insights just in this first few minutes of the podcast from my perspective. So how are you guiding, you know, athletes at that level? Same thing, or can you get more specific? Would you dial in a little bit more on exercises that you may give them?
- [16:51]
B
Yeah, I do. And I one of the biggest things is I fold the conversation about completion and arrow work, right? The minute or the first week that I start working with a client is that, you know, there's going to be a point where even our work is going to come to an end. There's going to be a time where the work that you and I are doing, you are working through me. I am not the end game. I am not the expert of you. The work that we're doing, I call it the champion's journey. Your journey. Your champion's journey. I'm a part of it. You work through me. And if I'm a great coach, if I'm doing the best work that I can, it means that I'm just a stopgap. I'm just something that on the way to your what's next. So that if you get everything out of the work that we're doing, then you take that into your what's next. So I start that conversation very early and I start planning and working backwards from the time that our Work is possibly going to end, whether it's the end of an era, whether they achieve their gold medal, whether they achieve the pinnacle of what it is that they say they want. And then I honor the gap by saying, okay, and now we're going to work on completion of our relationship. What worked in our relationship, what didn't work in our relationship, what are the things you're grateful for? Where are you seeing your life going? So I take the mystery out of the gap. I take the mystery out of the transition and I make it less scary. And when you make something less scary and I use humor and I use emotion and we cry and we laugh and we, you know, make, we celebrate, we, you know, maybe drink too much wine or whatever it is that that person wants to do so that there's a true honoring of that. And what I mean by taking the mystery out of it is that we talk about gaps all the way through. So think about a rest and recovery period, for example, in workout. That's a gap. That's, that's a transition to going and growing your muscles. Think about a job, you getting a promotion. There's a gap in who you have to be got, who you have to become. And that transition time, whether you don't know you're getting the promotion, you don't know you're getting the deal, you don't know if you're getting the mortgage. So it's, can you live with the uncertainty and the charge in your body and the more that you can live with the uncertainty and the charge in your body and fold it into your day to day life, the more you evolve as a human being, as a person, as somebody who's in charge and creating that sovereign and being that you want to be. If we don't honor those gaps, we don't remove the mystery, then we become basically, I don't want to use a term, but almost like a robot. And we just, you know, barrel ass into the what's next without actually honoring each stage. And I think that by removing the mystery and you know, sprinkling the, the reality of the fact that, okay, you know, for example, when, think about it, when I, when we're in Hawaii, when I, I married Madison and Evan. So Madison Chalk and Evan Bates. I was their officiant at their wedding. Prior to that, we went through a full completion exercise around who they were as just as best friends, as a, as, as a dating couple, as a, as partners in skating. Then they became partners in life. And then they, so we took time to honor all of those things. And I said, no, we need to consider wrapping that part of your relationship using the marriage, because the marriage is not the wedding. The marriage is the transition. The wedding day is the transition, but the life after the marriage is what they're transitioning to.
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A
That's the new river. That's the new river.
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B
Hence, that's the new river. Good point.
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A
Yes. So I think there's, you know, there's an. A couple things along all the way, which is when you think about that transition and the going forward, we've talked a lot about incompletions and operating on top of incompletions. And because you brought up the relationship, you know, you think about the, I don't know, whatever it is, three or four or five or whatever it is of people that we know that have split as couples for all the reasons that they have. We don't need to get into the reasons why, but we have to honor the transition. And what I've learned, and the reason I use this, is that we've also witnessing the discomfort of getting out of that relationship. And do I get into a new relationship or don't I get into a new relationship? And forcing the river. So I've made this mistake too many times over the years, which is forcing the river, which, in other words, through the transition, I force the transition as opposed to letting the transition unfold. Right now, I'm not forcing. We've talked about, for example, we've talked. We've got businesses that, do we want to exit those businesses? Do we want to exit British Columbia? We've talked about a lot of things, but it's just discussion knowing that something's going to change, something's going to shift. We haven't decided what that's going to be. But I'm not trying to force the river. I'm not trying to force it, although I could get trapped in wanting to force it to make something happen as opposed to letting things unfold just through gaining clarity over time, rather than thinking, I have to make a decision today. Does that make sense or am I off track here?
- [22:10]
B
No, no, you're absolutely on track. And I think that's the trap that a lot of people get into, is that they actually think they can control the outcome of something by, to your point, forcing the river or making things happen. And what I've discovered over the years with myself and my clients and the people that we work with is that if we don't sit back and honor the. The uncertainty and the ebb and flow of life and the things that are going to show up in the gap. And that's the other thing is, I didn't get a chance to mention, but when you allow that gap, you'd be so amazed at what shows up. I call it, you got to leave room for the magic. And when you leave room for what's going to happen. What was the saying? It was like, I forget, maybe it was anurag or somebody that said, you know, it's like on at the circus, you have to swing on one of those. What are those things called trapeze. But you have to let go of one of the trapezes in order to hang on to catch the next one. But in the moment, you're flying and if you don't know how to fly, that's okay. But what momentum will do. And in that moment, that magic and when that new trapeze shows up and you just reach out and there it is, you, there's this moment of trust and this moment of self belief that we, I think, oh my gosh, over the last little while, in my experience, so many people have lost that self belief that if they just take the next step on the bridge, that it'll show up. If you just allow yourself to use that momentum, the next trapeze will show up. We think we have to control it and it gets brittle and it gets harsh and it gets heavy on the heart. And even in this decision that we're going through right now around, do we want to live through this new BS in British Columbia with the land claims and all the things that are happening and all the uncertainty, the answer is no. Do I want to leave this property? No. So how do we reconcile the decisions that are coming to us? So think about working with clients. Okay, so I. Somebody's cheating on somebody. Well, I want to stay in the relationship, but who do I have to become in order to live with somebody that I know that's cheated on me? And I'm going through that right now with the client. And I'm like, well, okay, well, who do you want to become? Like, what's the transition? You're never going to go back. Like, that's the thing. We don't go back. That's the fantasy. And if you're trying to go back, you're not honoring a gap. You're not honoring the space where the magic and the serendipity and the things that can show up in your life. But we're so trained to just try to control everything and go from one step to the other and Be right. And, and you know what? I think right now you and I are both. And the people that I talk to and the, and the friends that we have are in a very new way of being. And that way of being is more about being relaxed and seeing and trusting. And you know, the biggest thing is trusting ourselves. We've set ourselves up. We haven't, you know, we're not making any decisions out of desperation or about, out of survival. And I think if we slow down long enough and if people, if we slow down long enough and take a look at truly what's going on in our lives, there's no reason to panic. I think there's so many things on the outside, whether it's the mainstream media or social media or whatever, that we have to decide and choose and panic. No, we don't. If we get our power back and we slow down long enough and we listen to our intuition and we disconnect from a lot of the external chatter. I remember saying when I first started working in this world and helping athletes and business people, I remember somebody asking me, well, what's the answer, Stephanie? And I just remembered pausing and saying, you know what the truth is? You already know. You already know the answer. You either don't want to acknowledge it yet or you're not ready to acknowledge it, but you already know. So let's just remove all of the things that are in the way of what you already know, or you haven't
- [26:26]
A
let the answer show up. You haven't given it.
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B
It's mind shattered too. Right?
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A
Yeah. Well, I think there's a couple things that, you know, as we're having this conversation that showed up for me and I really, you know, back to that parable about the guy was kind of crossing the same river every day. I think what I'm noticing, and this is just because of the world I live in and because of the research I do, it's like the real estate investment network has always been about real estate. But I'm realizing that all the research that I'm doing and have been doing for so many years, along with the team and the shifts of team and all the things that have been going on, it's no longer about real estate because real estate isn't the game anymore. It's part of a much bigger game. The game has changed. So if we stay on the side of the river looking at things change and then don't acknowledge that the river shifting and drying up and, or just getting smaller or getting bigger, whatever, the river is changing. And if we don't acknowledge it. If we ignore it or if we see it and don't know how to cross it, there's a problem that's kind of a, maybe a poor metaphor or analogy, but the reality of it is, is that when we look at what's happened over the past six years, going back to March 15, 2020, is really the line of demarcation in my world. If we see how much the world has changed, many are oblivious to it, surprisingly. They sense something. They talk about politics, maybe, or they don't even know what's going on. Others are in it. My point is, is that if we look at the world that we knew six years ago, if we think that we're still in that same world, we'll be really confused and not knowing how to cross the, the transitioning world that we live in. As we're recording this podcast, we don't know if we're going into the next world war, you know, Trump, Iran, China, Russia, Ukraine, Middle East. I mean, it's just crazy what's going on in the world. But the world has changed. Let's call that world the former world. The river that is changing. We're sitting on the banks going, how do we now navigate this new world? And is so. I don't know if I'm hitting on what I'm trying to, but the point is, is that there's so many things we can't control. All we can control, but there you
- [28:36]
B
go, hon, is that what can we control? I mean, you know, I think our
- [28:42]
A
only we can control is our response. All we can control.
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B
Not just that. What you really said made sense and you brought a lot of really good points up, is that the world has changed. Think about it. Or have we just woken up, have we just been in a new conversation with like minded people in a way that, you know, we're just going, oh, okay, well, we just need to get a different line of ducks in a row. We had all these ducks in a row. Now we have more information. So we got to get a new line of ducks, right? And our new line of ducks is giving us more information and we're not attached to the old line of ducks. And I think that's the key, is that, yeah, there's some grieving. Like, there's some grieving and some sadness around. You know, what used to be in the naivety and the, and the asleep, the, the, you know, that being.
- [29:31]
A
It was all the same. It was that we could do it. We knew what we were dealing with.
- [29:34]
B
And now we're, we're sitting, we're going into a world of, of less knowns. It's not the unknown. I know myself better now. I'm more clear on my values. You know, with rain every quarter, I would do the values matrix with, with certain clients. And then every, maybe every December or January, do a big conversation with ring members and clients about, you know, where are you now? Because we grow and evolve and those gaps and those transitions show up and maybe the values we had last year or 10 years ago have shifted and that's okay. So what's driving me today is a little bit different. But you know what? The truth is, I'm still the same. I don't have to, you know, buy into all the external motivation, all the clutter and all the, all the stuff that's going on on the outside. It's my job, our job to get grounded in who we are and what matters to us and how our kids matter and our grandkids and our dogs and our cat and the things and the friends and the people that we can make a difference with. And that's. I think the difference is that we're not jumping outside of our body and going, well, in order to change and transition, I have to be somebody different. Well, no, I don't. What's going to be comforting and secure and powerful for especially the people we work with in, in business. And I know a lot of businesses are transitioning. I think that's what really hit me with that speaking tour that we did or that I did when I got off, off the Olympics, I did a five or six cities speaking tour. Is that what was consistent there was the people and the leaders in those rooms knew that they had to be who they are in order to honor and help people transition and grow into the what's next. I remember client in the room. I can't mention his name, but I can say the company is that telus let go 30% of their worldwide staff within a month. And what he was going through was a massive depression and a massive awareness and learning and transition of what's that not just going to be for the company, but for the people that they had to lay off. So I think the compassion and the awareness of what happens when we're in transition. We can't just, you know, can't just turtle and be in our, in our own world. We have to. If we know who we are and as leaders, we step into leadership like Rain does and like we're trying to do with our businesses or that we not just trying we're doing in our businesses is that we know we're not perfect. We know that we don't have all the answers. But I'm not going to turtle, I'm not going to go and stick my head in the sand and not create environments for people to be in the transition, to be in the uncertainty.
- [32:23]
A
I love it. I think we're going to wrap it up. I mean, we could go on on this conversation a lot, but if I'm taking away a few things, you know, first off is have completion as you go on to whatever is next, you know, a new era. What is your line of demarcation? What are you going to take forward with you? What are you going to leave behind? You're not going back to anything. What are we doing instead?
- [32:48]
B
We're going forward. We can embrace uncertainty if we understand and connect to what matters and our own values and trust that because the external world is going to show us where we're not.
- [33:02]
A
That and be aware of whoever you're going to be as you go into whatever is next because that you have control over how are you going to show up as you go forward into whatever is next. And I think that's an important. And I will leave it at that. Thanks, Stephanie.
- [33:24]
B
That was fun.
- [33:26]
A
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions or questions you'd like answered, please email me@ceoaincanada.com that's CEO. I look forward to hearing from you. And until next time. Patrick.
- [34:00]
B
Oh,