← The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
The Everyday Millionaire and Mindset Matters Podcast
Mindset Matters - Episode #238 - The Hidden Reason You Feel Stuck in Life
00:49:08
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- [00:00]
A
Foreign. Welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Francie. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as Mindset matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in. Enjoy. So we've all had the experience. Sometimes life feels like nothing is working. You feel fat and ugly, your money is tight. It doesn't feel like there's enough. Your relationships seem to be falling apart. At least feel strained. Your body's tired, and pretty soon your mind does what your mind does. It turns one area of pressure into a global conclusion. My life isn't working. My life sucks. I'm surrounded by. But none of that may be true. It may be just that one or two areas of your life are under pressure. And because you really haven't stepped back far enough, those areas of life are kind of tainting everything else. Now, our work with Dr. John Demartini started more than 25 years ago. And in that work, part of it was about the seven areas of life. And we've talked about them in the past on the show. We coach around it a lot. We've done this work for many years. So we covered spiritual, mental, vocational, financial, familial, perhaps social, physical. And whether you use this particular language or you use your own, the point that we're trying to make is when you break your life down into areas into smaller bite sized pieces, you stop making big, random, vague conclusions, overarching. And then you start seeing things clearly because nothing is working. My life sucks is usually not accurate. It's usually just a signal that something specific, specific needs attention. Stephanie, here we are. Mindset matters.
- [02:26]
B
Hey, hon.
- [02:27]
A
No, I set that context. You know, it's interesting that as I was working through and kind of re grounding back into seven areas of life, which is just really part of our whole coaching program, I needed it. I realized that as I went through this today, I'm kind of looking at life and I'm feeling a little bummed out. I'm feeling a little bit of pressure and stressed and annoyed that things aren't going the way I think they should. And then so I had to step back from it. So what my thought was for today's show was, why don't we go through these seven areas of life and just talk about each one a little bit? The context, being, folks, is that how is your life feeling overall? And knowing that you probably don't suck in all seven areas of life, it's just one, maybe two, that are kind of making you feel like nothing in life is going right. So I'll turn it over to you, Stephanie. I just wanted to open with that.
- [03:25]
B
Well, I appreciate that. And I think what's happening, too, is we tend to focus on what's not working. You know, we're not raised or we're not in a society for whatever reason that we're told to focus on how amazing we are and how well things are going. We're taught to focus on what's not working. And that sort of is the antithesis of our work, is really, when I think about it, when I work with an athlete, I don't say, let's work on your weaknesses. I always go, let's. Let's. Let's develop your strengths. So we break down into seven areas of life, and we go, okay, well, what is working? You know, we have. Let's work on. Let's say it's the physical pillar. Right now, it's early in the season, athletes and skaters and people are training, they're working on choreography. They're getting grounded in the beginning of a new quadrennial. So they're working on the physical pillar, for example. So not a lot of them are working or really worried about, you know, which is great for me because it's a bit of a break on the mental and emotional piece of their training. So physical is up for them right now, and maybe social and financial, while they're trying to, you know, collect money and get some funding. So what happens is that when you break it down, it actually is easier to manage. So we think about the physical pillar. So physical resilience, for example. Physical health. Physical mindset. Physical meaning physical, like, it can be a pillar onto its own, where you don't have to kind of layer all the pillars in, you know, all on top of each other. So that's my thought.
- [04:49]
A
Well, yeah, but. And there's another side of it, you know, and we talked about it before when we look at the physical. So we talk about, for example, physical health. We talk about mental health. So when we talk about health as an exam, as an example, there's many areas of health. Physical Mental, spiritual, it's all about health and each area of life, financial health, right. So each area of life we can and we do actually have a seven areas of life where we actually get you to rate it. We then have you check in on a regular basis to see where things are. But let's just talk. You know what I'll do is the list, in no particular order is how I've written it down. But let's just start at the top. Let's talk about on my list. I'll feed them to you. So we look at the spiritual side of things that might lead to purpose. For example. So let's have this conversation. Is there from your perspective, is there a difference between being productive and being purposeful?
- [05:46]
B
That's a great distinction. I think if we're working in the spiritual realm and really seeing what we can wrap our, our why around, our motivation, our belief systems, I think it's about productive. We kind of stop there and think, okay, well how can I measure my productivity? And then once that's done, what's left? And if the why the purpose is still on top of that, then there's still places to go, there's places to dig into and look into and what you can link to it. So I think they're both important. But I think so many people, and you included hun, is measure yourself on your productivity. Oh, I didn't have a productive day. And you know, I hear that from a lot of people and it's not just you. I'm not as productive that way. I'm more purposeful and I find I get my productivity when I've really been tapped into my purpose. So I think they kind of go hand in hand.
- [06:39]
A
Well, there's another side to that. So first off, spiritual is not in this context, is not. It could be religious, but it's not. This isn't about that aspect of it specifically, although it could be perfect. That's what I'm saying. It could be for some people it could be. What I'm saying is we don't have a container in it that in that regard. So when we think about productivity and purpose. So first off, yeah, you're right, I measure a lot of what I do from productivity. It's kind of how I've always been wired. And but having said that, when you're having days or when I walk in and you know, from the office and go, oh, it just wasn't a very productive day, what keeps me going is the fact that, that it's on purpose. So it's purposeful. So even though I'm feeling like I'm grinding, it's because it still feels on purpose for me in terms of what my purpose is and what I'm connected to in terms of my mission and the desire that I have and what drives me to be a contribution and sometimes to a fault, by the way. That's where I can be too generous and. Or I'm often putting on my education hat, my coach hat, which is again, how I'm wired. But that's not to say that. And that sometimes gets in my way. That's all I want to say about that. So the grind of not feeling productive for me is that I have to look back and go, am I on purpose? And that's actually what keeps me going. Otherwise some days I had to shut it down a long time ago.
- [08:02]
B
Well, it's also funny too, when I hear you say that you also have it linked to sometimes to results and to money. The way that those seven areas of life kind of get conflated onto each other. And what I've really found helpful is when I can separate them and put them more into a hierarchy and, and work on, you know, if I'm working on my vocation, which I am right now, working on my book, working on my chapter for resilience, I'm working in areas where I have zero skills and getting lots of coaching. And JB Owen has just been amazing and you've been helpful and just going through things that are connected to my vocation. But I also see how it's connected to my purpose. So my why. And I'm also seeing how it's going to connect to our financial future. So when I can draw from, you know, a few of the seven areas, at the same time, I do find that I can find my per. I can find productivity in as I'm working through those things.
- [09:02]
A
Yeah. So. Well, let's go back to something though. So it's sometimes when we look at, of course, when we're judging our life and when we're saying our life sucks, you know, back to the opening, right. Is sometimes it's not the, the problem isn't necessarily that our life isn't working or it's too hard sometimes. The problem is that the, the hard things we're doing are no longer connected to our purpose or to a meaningful reason for doing them. So, you know, when we start to assess this bucket we'll call spiritual, you know, we have to ask ourselves, is what we're doing giving our life meaning? So am I living my life on purpose, or am I just reacting to a bunch of pressure and it's pissing me off? You know, so when you can link it back to purpose, then you can go, okay, no, this is just some hard stuff that I have to do to get through what I got to get through to deliver and do what I say I want to do. That make sense?
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B
Oh, man. Yeah. And I think if you link it, you can link that to all seven areas of life.
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A
Sure.
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B
You know, and I think that would give a. You know, for us, it gives me motivation and inspiration and excitement to really dig into what's going on for me right now, what's going on for us, and what. How we can help our clients in a. In a different way. And I find that when we bump into something, so, for example, we think we're bumping into a financial roadblock or something, what's really fun when we dig into the mind shui aspect of it, and we kind of be able to shine a light on the hidden beliefs. It's never usually about money.
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A
No, that's true.
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B
That's what cracked me up.
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A
Okay, so before we get too far ahead into the financial bucket, which not. I know that's not where you're going, but before we kind of go down a rabbit hole, let's go to bucket number two on my list, which is the mental component of it. So this is a big question, and this is one I still struggle with. I have to really think things through. It's how I process. So how do you know when you are thinking clearly versus just mentally spinning? So if you think about this area of our life, it's, you know, thinking, it's creativity, perhaps some perspective, our own mental clarity. But when do we. When do we know that it's just our brains not spinning? You know, there we get in our head, you know, what I'm thinking. So how do you deal with that, even with your clients?
- [11:34]
B
Well, that's such a big one. And how. For me, the clue is, is it repetitive thoughts? Is it repetitive words? So am I hearing this again and again and again from someone? From you, From a client? If that is. That's a. That's a signal for me to say, okay, something is locked in. It's become a loop, which means there's a something in the brain that has carved a, you know, a lane that really needs to keep that thought process alive, because it's now it's coming out in words, and the more it comes out in words, the more it becomes real. So I think when we find ourselves repeating things over and over again or trying to explain ourselves in a different way on the same topic, then I. That's where I like to help people redirect or try to disrupt the pattern in the sense of, okay, that to me is a repetitive thought. You're either going to continue to create what it is that you don't want because you keep repeating this, or we need to disrupt the pattern, change the languaging so then we can then change the thought. And that's, for me, where meditation comes in, where journaling comes in, where we see, you know, where we're really, in our own way when it comes to our mental clutter.
- [12:40]
A
You are so smart. So, you know, there's a statement, I think that back to what you said, what am I repeatedly thinking about? And I think we need to add to it. That's not helping me. So that's where the journaling comes in place or perhaps some meditation. If you can identify what that repeating conversation is your head about, write it down so that that in itself can stop that ongoing loop. Right? And then this is where it gets a little tricky because this for me is what am I learning versus just consuming? Because I know as I look at certain things because I'm doing so much research and sometimes on too many things, like because I've got different things I want to deliver on, what am I learning versus what am I consuming? And that is a tough one because that can put you into a bit of a downward spiral as well, because all of a sudden you're not sharing. At least for me, I'm not sure what am I treating as a fact when it's not really a fact. It's just some stuff that I've consumed, you know, you follow what I'm saying? So that's the mental clutter. This goes back to the whole mind shui thought process is clearing the mental clutter. And that is really what this is about.
- [13:57]
B
Yeah, I hear you. And I think the, the clutter and the, and the mental, the repetition is where we can find the clues. What is that? And you say, you know, what is. What am I repeating over and over again? That's not serving me. It's actually in the repeating that doesn't serve us because we can't break out of whatever that thought process is. And it, it gets ground right into our, our consciousness and it becomes a belief. And from where I, where I'm standing, especially in the last little while, what I really, you know, subscribe to these days is my Reality is definitely being created by my words and my thoughts
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A
and my intentions and your consumption and whatever. Consuming. And whatever you're consuming. That confirmation bias.
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B
Absolutely. And that's why I'm becoming such a great cook is because of what I'm consuming. A lot is recipes.
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A
Okay, but that's learning. That's not just consuming because you're actually taking it and applying it. And I get to be the benefit of that. Somebody told me the other day they lost some weight and I said, don't worry, I found it.
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B
That's good.
- [14:58]
A
You never lost it. I found it all good. You want me to hang on to it for a while? I'll give it back. Okay. Boy, oh boy. Okay. Number three, bucket vocation. Okay. About work, our contribution and are you being a contribution? So what? At what point does commitment to the job actually become self betrayal if the job isn't connected in any way, shape or form to your purpose? Now this is a big one. I think, I think that the. I think many people in general don't love what they do. And that's just so sad. And yet they grind it out every day, 40, 60 hours a week to make a living. Got it. But you're going through life being miserable.
- [15:50]
B
Well, we don't know that. Right. So just as you're talking, I realize. Oh, bless you. I realized that maybe that it is connected to certain people's purpose if their job. Maybe it isn't a career, maybe it's a job that they're doing to pay the bills. And their purpose is to take care of their families. The purpose is to make sure that there's bread on the table and mortgages paid. To me, that's a big purpose. Their higher power or their higher calling is family. And they haven't had a chance to maybe explain, expand into their joy and into the things that bring them happiness in terms of their vocation. Like, I'm really lucky because I've never had a day, you know, I've never had a real job. So I don't know what that's like. And I mean, if I did, I would probably fail miserably because of just my inability to focus that long. So what we have to do is find out what our strengths are back to what we were talking about earlier. Find out what our strengths are and then see if. Even if it's a job you don't like, it's a, you know, nine to five or it's something that doesn't light you up, but it pays the bills, it takes care of Your family, it gets things done. And if there's a side hustle that you love, or if there's a piece of you that is very artistic, or you love horses, then those kinds of things, I think are really important to build the fullness and the wholeness of your vocation. They're not just hobbies, they're also things that light you up. And maybe you don't get paid for them, but here's the thing.
- [17:12]
A
Yeah. So you're making a good point about something. I want to go back. Okay, so you're right. So sometimes the job is. The purpose is feed my family, give my kids and my significant other a great lifesty. So, yes. But having said that, when we've worked with clients in the past, you know, you've said it, we can have it all. But you often get into the conversation, I hate my job, or I really don't like my job, or it's not fulfilling, I grind it out, but I'm doing it for my family. And when you dig into it deeper, it's because they don't see any options and to the point where they're not even investigating any other options. So I think the key is, is that you can have it all. You just maybe not have it all at once or in that particular time frame. But I think we have to go back a little bit and say, okay, if my work is about achievement and contribution, service, you know what is. And the, and the work I do plays a role in supporting my family, but I also have to go to work and feel productive, productive, have some joy around it, rather than being trapped and feeling resentful or underused or whatever, over identified, whatever that means. Right.
- [18:23]
B
The mentality too, though. Right. Like, I know I've. I bumped into that with, with several people and they ended up. I had to fire them as clients because they wouldn't look past where they were being victims to not loving their job. Not. And they were. It was all about everybody else, the workplace, the. The people, manager, everybody was an asshole. Like, it just, it was really difficult to help to shift that mindset. And I think because it's connected to how we pay our bills and how we take care of our family, that kind of thing. And people do get locked into, you know, maybe what gets them through the day is hating their job. And that to me is that's a really, That's a tough one to bust.
- [19:02]
A
Yeah, I think there's a, you know, the thought process is, is. Can work be a place where you get to express yourself and Be creative? Or is it maybe where you actually. And especially in a corporate. Well, I shouldn't say that. I think there's risk in any job where you actually lose yourself, you know, so does your job and the work that you're doing align with who you are and who you want to become? This goes back to, you know, the phrase that we often use. It's not about the journey. It's about who. Well, it's about the journey, but it's also about who you need to become to achieve whatever you're working through. Right. So when we assess and this. Let's go back to the opening. Right? What we're doing is assessing life and saying, you know, what area of life am I messed up? You know, because it isn't your whole life. You're not messed up in all seven areas of your life. And I can say that pretty confidently, if you're listening to this podcast, you're not messed up in all seven areas of your life. You maybe have a area that is bringing you down and you're judging your whole life by that one area of life.
- [20:05]
B
And I think there's something to be said around the domino effect in that regard. If you can't see that these are separate pillars, separate buckets. And, you know, you're not. You don't suck at relationship, but maybe you're sucking. You've gained a little weight over Christmas or something, and you want to get back to the physical. So it's really stepping back and having a critical analysis on. Okay, you know, four out of seven are pretty awesome. And there's three. Three areas or four that I need to work on and to cut yourself some slack. I mean, it's hard enough right now. I'm trying to keep up with the Joneses and social media and everybody's, you know, on taking Instagram pictures of. With their Lamborghini. And, you know, it's just like, how do you, you know, us normal people survive that? And I think there's a perspective there that from whether it's the vocational standpoint, if you have a job or if you have a career or if you have a calling on some level is to identify that and then find a way to either bridge it to something that's more purposeful or just soften and surrender into what is. And know that if you're telling the truth and not being a victim, chances are something else is going to show up.
- [21:18]
A
Well, you know, you make a really great point, and there's a part of it where we haven't touched on yet when we look at these seven areas of life, this is about you're not being a victim to any of this. This is about looking at your life in a way that you actually take responsibility for it. And you start to say, you know this, okay, so let's say your job is not ideal, it's less than ideal. Maybe you think it sucks. Where are you responsible for the shift of that? How do you show up? Have you sat down with that owner, that manager, that supervisor, whatever they are, and ask them the question, this doesn't work for me real well. How can I change it? And can you actually start to initiate the change you need? And it's never going to be a switch that you flip or rarely. But ultimately that's what you have to do is step back, look at all seven areas of life, take responsibility for it. Other rather than be a victim to
- [22:11]
B
it all or beat yourself up. That's the other thing I find when things aren't working, it's a real, like a, call it a racket, you know, what is it that, how is this really working for you? And when I ask that question to people, then they, when they're complaining or they're being a victim, sometimes I'll just take a breath and look at gently and go, how's that working for you? Remember the old Dr. Phil line? I swear I came up with that way before Dr. Phil because. Right. Well, I, I, Yeah. Years ago, he, he would say, how's that working for you? And I remember thinking, I used to say that to my clients early on when they were telling me how that, how shitty their life was and how things weren't working and their husband's a jerk and their kids are messy, and I'm like, okay, and where are you in that equation? Wow, it's not my fault. Well, it's working for you on some level, even if it's getting to complain about it. Right. It's also, you know, that whole complaining part and being a victim to it. It can show up in all seven areas.
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A
Yes. Finance, money.
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B
Yeah.
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A
So how much of financial stress is math and how much of it is just behavior? So in other words, when we look at what's happening financially and we're feeling financial stress, there's a lot of that that can often be attributed to what you're doing, how you're living life. One of demartini's quotes from years ago that I still, still sticks out in my mind because he had some stories with it, and the question he asked or the quote that he used was the more you manage your money, the more money you have to manage. And that whole story was about a dentist who had $3 million in debt and eventually, or eventually did go broke. But his cleaning lady, who he paid seven bucks an hour at the time, by the time she was 60, was ready to retire. And the whole point is that she had very little money, but she managed what she had. She invested well and conservatively and just grew her financial wealth over time. And the dentist that she worked for lived far beyond his means and actually went broke and had to let her go. And by that time she was financially in a great position. I remember that's, that's a cool story though, isn't it?
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B
I liked his stories because they were all based on truth.
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A
Yeah. And I like the quote because it's true. The more you manage your money, the more money you have to manage. And that is so true. And we've done a pretty good job of that over the years, you know. And yes, we've always been high income earners over the years, but we've also always lived below our means and done our best to invest our capital the right way and run our businesses the right way. Not always, but we do, we work at it, you know, we're always, you know.
- [25:03]
B
But I think, yeah, the thing is, I think from a money standpoint, you know, I have such a interesting relationship with money and I see it as a relationship. For me, money is energy. It's a relationship, it's a mindset, it's abundance mindset versus scarcity mindset. So I started really young, I was really lucky growing up is that my mom taught us about the 10 rule. You know, 10% of everything you make goes into a little jar. And Even if it's $20, you know, two, two dollars went somewhere and I've always done that. And I squirrel away cash and I move money around because money needs to move. It's energy. And when we think about the financial pillar, if we only make it about the bills we have to pay, then that's really all the money you're going to earn or you're going to attract. And we think money as energy and you're seeing it as limitless, then there's a whole different, I don't know, for me, there's a flow in my body, but when I get really freaked out about money and you've seen it and I'm like, okay, nothing's changed. What am I afraid of? Like, what's going on in my body that I, I'VE got this fear around lack or around poverty or whatever, which is probably something historical. But I mean, I know how hard I had to work on my context for money and what money is and how I was able to frame it in a way that it's energy and it's about respect and it's about honoring the fact that money has to flow. And if it doesn't and it gets stuck, then for me, and I'm just talking for myself, other areas of my life get stuck.
- [26:37]
A
Yeah, well, I think in on the money side of it, we have to go back to, you know, managing dollars. And it isn't all just about making a lot of money, by the way. That isn't it at all. But we have to consider that part of what we are having to be responsible for as adults is also about investing for our futures. You know, that is such a key thing. And I listen and kind of watch a little bit of what's going on. That whole YOLO crowd, you only live once, and everybody's just throwing it all, going all in, all the time. And I'm going, gosh, you know, when they're 60, you know, will we be asking the Phil, Dr. Phil question? How's that work for you? You know, so it, it goes back to investing as well. In the future, living below your means creating and having that relationship with money that you're talking about. And you said something that reminds me of, and I don't know, the exact quote is whatever we want in life, and in this case we're talking about dollars and cents is on the other side of whatever it is you fear. Yeah, you, you know, if you, you have to bump up against what that is, you have to be able to see it. And that's. So I can use that kind of quote. And it sounds really easy. Well, yeah, go looking for what is the fear that you're bumping up against.
- [27:52]
B
But it's tricky, too, super tricky, because there's a hidden belief in there. And, you know, one of the exercises we do in mind, Shui, is what are your hidden beliefs around money? What was the story that you were raised in? And this is one of the deepest hell, I believe most rooted issues when it comes to hidden beliefs is that, you know, money doesn't go on trees or, you know, the, the love of money is the root of all evil. And you don't realize what tape is playing in your head and it just comes out over and over and over until, first of all, you're aware of it, you know, until you Bring the unconscious to the conscious, which is what Jung said, until you bring the unconscious consciousness, we don't know what's driving us. So I think when it comes to money, understanding where our blocks are and what the stories that we were told growing up, not just the stories we're telling ourselves now as grown ups, but what were the stories and what were our parents bumping up to? You know, we're, we, you know, we have to be careful that when we're saying these things that we're not coming from it, just from our, our demographic. Because let's say those YOLO kids, you know, what if they're going to be the most abundant on the planet and they're going to be the ones running the show because they just didn't have any attachments around that. And what. It's not that they didn't care about their retirement, it's just that they knew that if they didn't have the most joy in their lives right now, I have no idea. But I just don't want to make anything wrong when it comes to the storylines that we tell ourselves around money. Because to me it's one of the most sensitive, intimate and important aspects of how we build our lives. Because when people say, you know, money's not important to me, and I go, well, how are you going to take care of your family? Oh, that's not important. Money doesn't drive me. I'm pretty sure it does.
- [29:36]
A
Money does kind of make the world go around. And that isn't, I'm not saying that from a, you know, a wrong. Yeah, but I mean, to your point, it's interesting though that we go back to in the hidden beliefs and little things that our parents said with the best intentions can have a very negative effect. But I think I've shared this with you before. As you know, and as we both are, we're very responsible, have always been around our credit, as in we don't overextend, we don't. We pay off our credit cards every month, always have, always will, all of those things. But you know something? I remember when I was about 16 years old, I'm working in the garage with my dad and I think I was talking about buying a car and I didn't know what I was talking about to him and he had made this comment to me and, and I don't remember the context for it, but I just remember what he said. He said, one of the most important things that you will have to look after in finance is your credit rating. Can you Imagine. So here I am. That was 50 years ago, but I still have that memory and that statement in my head from one conversation that maybe it was because I didn't talk that much to my dad, but it stands out. But it stuck with me and I actually remember the scenario. So, anyways, it's how simple it is to be impacted. The point of that, sharing that story is it can be very innocent. And we do have those beliefs, those hidden beliefs, many of them just from our parents trying to be protective, as supportive, whatever the case is, and it sticks with us. And then we go into our adult years and relationships with whatever stories we're telling ourselves so.
- [31:25]
B
Well, just to finish that off, it's also one of the biggest things that can really break up relationships is the different storylines around money. And then you try to come together and you share a household bank account or you have different, you know, you have your own money, I have my money. Never the twain, shell meat, or everything goes into one pot. Like, it is amazing that there's so many couples that don't even talk about that before they, you know, get engaged, married. I think that's something that's really important to consider.
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A
People talk about that. We have a pretty good system, and I. We always thought it was kind of normal, but it's not necessarily normal. It's. To us, it's straightforward and it works.
- [31:59]
B
I'm just really glad we align on it, because that would really suck, because I know growing up, I did not. I was not good with money. I was that person. I was the YOLO person. And I would scream up to the end of the month and see what would happen and see if my car payment would show up. And I was just so irresponsible.
- [32:15]
A
So lucky you met me.
- [32:16]
B
I know.
- [32:17]
A
Okay, let's go. Speaking of all of that family and relationship, so there's a question is why do we often give strangers or others more patience than the people that we love the most, including ourselves? So there is a conversation around relationships that includes the relationship that you have with yourself. Want to comment on that?
- [32:43]
B
Yeah. That's the core relationship. That's the one that we seem to help people get to when it comes to, you know, everything else outside of them. And I remember our meditation teacher 30 years ago, Paula, said to us, you know, everyone, in her little tinkly voice, everyone is always looking for inner peace, Stephanie, but nobody looks inside. You know,
- [33:05]
A
it's so true, right? We're looking for inner peace, and it's all outside of us.
- [33:10]
B
Family is that if we want to a healthy family, then we have to have healthy boundaries and, and we have to have a healthy mindset around relationship and what our expectations are and our assumptions and what we're, what, you know, our attachment styles are. There's so much knowledge out there now that sometimes I think it, it'll be really hard for people to get into relationship. And then you've got the onset of app dating or whatever it's called. What's it called? Not updating dating apps. Dating apps, that kind of thing. And the social pressures that people are going on and then all the gender identity and I think if we peel it all back and we go back to that, what is the connection to ourself and our relationship with ourself and start there and say, okay, what are my values or what is it that I'm willing to do? You know, it's funny, let me little aside, when I was single, I didn't think I'd ever get married. So later on in my 20s and I'm still single and I'm, you know, really wasn't into dating and stuff. I was into building my career. And I remember one of my coaches said, what about, you know, marriage and family? And I'm like, okay, well she goes, write me a list. What is it that you're looking for in a man? And I went, oh, okay. So I started writing this list and I kept on and on and he was going to be good looking and tall and he was going to make lots of money and he was going to be this and all that kind of. But he was going to be kind and he was going to be good with money and he was going to be great with his hands and he was going to be really, you know, be able to fix things and all these kinds of things. And she looked at it and she goes, this is great. How much of this is you? And I went, what? She goes, you need to work on yourself, Stephanie. And then let's see if you can attract the man of your dreams by being the woman of his dreams. Wow. And I just then when I started writing my, my book, I was like, one of the chapters is called Be youe List.
- [35:03]
A
I don't think you ever shared that story with me, by the way.
- [35:05]
B
Sorry about that. There's a lot, since I've been writing this book, there's a lot that's coming up. You're going to have to ask a lot of questions.
- [35:12]
A
So at the end of the day, what we've learned is that the quality of your closest Relationships affect the quality of your entire life.
- [35:23]
B
Go back to why we treat people outside of our family or our relationships better than we treat ourselves or our spouses. Do you know why that is?
- [35:31]
A
No, tell me.
- [35:32]
B
Well, here's. Do you want to know my theory?
- [35:34]
A
Yes, I want to know your theory. So do. So does our listener.
- [35:38]
B
Okay. I think it's because there's no history there. And they've never seen your. Your weaknesses, your dark side, your warts, your meltdowns. They haven't seen any of that. So you don't actually have to be responsible. They see you on your best days with your hair done and your lipstick on and being nice to everybody. And that's, you know. But when you go home, how do you treat your spouse? How do you treat the dogs? How do you. How do you speak to your children? How do you speak to yourself in the mirror? Because that's the most important relationship. And if we can't treat ourselves and the people that are closest to us as good or better, that we treat strangers, then there's some work that needs to be done. And I think that's why.
- [36:20]
A
Well, what breaks down relationships often is just the inability to communicate really well. And, you know, when you think about the reluctance to have courageous conversations, the reluctance to have those people out of your life because you can't picture your life without them in it, even though they piss you off on an ongoing basis, so we've said that many times before, is that people want their life to be different. They see a. Have a vision, but. So they want change in their life, but they're not willing to change because when they start to change, they lose relationships. And those relationships to them are really important, even though they're often toxic. So it is a little bit convoluted in that way. And, you know, so where are we able to have those conversations, those courageous conversations or open conversations where we can quit being a victim to it, manage assumptions and expectations. And by the way, where do we even have that relationship with ourselves, where we have expectations of ourself that we can. I don't want to say you can never live up to, but we have these expectations, but we don't live into them. So we actually don't move forward with them. But it sits there as an incompletion.
- [37:31]
B
Yeah. And then. But we have all these assumptions. And I think my mom always said that you marry the person that's going to piss you off the most because that is where the growth is.
- [37:40]
A
Oh, gosh, did I ever nail it
- [37:42]
B
there so did I.
- [37:45]
A
Hey, you do piss me off the most. There's no question about it.
- [37:47]
B
Right? I don't think anybody pushes my buttons more than you do. But the truth is, if we didn't, we didn't just get married for the wedding day or for, you know, just to hang out. I think when I realized that I was older, I was more mature. You were more mature. You'd already been through a marriage and already had a child and, you know, you were more mature than me. And. And I thought, you know what? I'm going to go into this relationship as a personal growth journey. I'm not going to look at this man as he's my prince, or he's going to, you know, fix everything and take care of me, and we're going to ride off, you know, in a golden carriage. I wanted. I wanted a relationship that was going to be committed to personal growth, development, connection, partnership, purpose. I. I had a context for the way that I wanted our marriage to be. And I think that's really different than most couples. And I think when they bump in, they think they, you know, the seven year itch is now called the four year itch. Did you know that?
- [38:43]
A
No.
- [38:44]
B
Yeah. It's actually because I think what's happening with all the influences externally, and we're not taught how to. To be in a relationship that is about personal development and it's okay for people to piss you off. Um, and then we've got this whole thing of marriage counseling and science and family counselors that are telling adult children that they're at. That their parents are toxic. I mean, it's so convoluted right now, but it all comes down to one thing.
- [39:10]
A
Is know thyself so true. Okay, we gotta keep moving here. We're gonna be. This is gonna be the longest podcast in history for us. Okay, great. Number six was social. So community, influence, whatever you want to consider that. How do you know when loyalty to a group, if you're part of that, this goes back to friends too. Right. So is it costing you to stay in that group? So what is your circle of influence that's actually shaping your view of the world? You know, there is a cost to being with the wrong people. And if you're stuck in that world or you're feeling stuck in the world, or you don't even have another perspective, what happens is you start to get another perspective. That's when kind of socially, things go south. I'm not good in crowds of people, like, as much as I speak, and I can do all of that. I'm far better one on one or one or two people where we can get into real conversation. I'm not good at small talk at all. I'm not interested in it. That really reduces my social circles because I'm just not interested because we're both
- [40:20]
B
a little socially awkward when it comes to that. But to your point, there's a. I don't know who said it, but you can find out what you. What you value and, and your life is really a reflection of the five closest people that you have around you. So if you don't like your life or you think you're getting, not getting the results you want, or, you know, all of a sudden you're. You realize that you're not going down the path that you want to go down. Take a look at who you're relating to and who the closest people are in your life and how tightly you're hanging on to those. You told a story years ago about, you know, we're talking about integrity and you're talking about drug dealers. You know, drug dealers can have integrity, you know, amongst themselves. Like it's called honor among thieves.
- [40:59]
A
Sure.
- [41:01]
B
Really matter.
- [41:02]
A
Not right morally, but within. Well, by our social morals, but yeah, the social norms.
- [41:08]
B
So, I mean, look at the politicians. They think everything they're doing is normal because they're in an echo chamber, right, where they're just, you know, constantly talking about the same things and they're just being, you know, right all the time and slapping each other on the back and going, yeah. So if you, if you're curious about why you're hanging out with certain people or why your social circle is shrinking or why is it not kind of, why aren't you hanging out with the people that you think you should be hanging out with? Again, it's really. Know thyself. Take a look around. What do you surround yourself with? Who are you surrounding yourself? Are you choosing to go out with the guys on a Friday night to the Peeler Bar, even though you've got an amazing girlfriend at home, or vice versa? Like, what is it that you're doing and what are you surrounding yourself? So there's clues there.
- [41:54]
A
You're social everywhere.
- [41:56]
B
Clues.
- [41:57]
A
Clues are everywhere. And I think there's a fundamental that some people don't realize is that. And we see it, of course, within the rain community over the years and lots of other scenarios where your environment is absolutely critical to supporting you in achieving and creating the life that you say you want. Are you in the right environment to do that now that goes back, by the way, to relationship in terms of significant other, but it goes into relationships with your family. I mean, think about when I was going on my own journey. I don't know if I broke up with my family or my family broke up with me for a long time because I just would not like. I had to take a stand for the journey that I was on. Now over the years that all came back and my family and I are very close and tight and it's been all great, but I had to break up with them for a while. Well, I guess I got my shit together where they also had to see. I think that, no, this is my journey and I'm going to come out the other side better for it. And environment is so essential to supporting whatever vision you have for your life, whether that be your job or success in some hobby that you're doing. Environment is everything. And the people that you surround yourself
- [43:07]
B
with, oh, man, it's so true. When I think about that time in our life, I felt really responsible. I thought that, you know, I felt your, your family was judging me at that time because I was taking you away and you were changing and you weren't going to be. You weren't the same. And
- [43:25]
A
yeah, it's all your fault. Yeah.
- [43:27]
B
But when I think about that, where's the lesson, you know, for. For people that go, you know what? I. It's not that I want to leave you. I just want to grow. I just want to, you know, explore different things. And, and sometimes a family of origin can keep that, that leash on so tight that you don't actually get to discover what is possible in life. And I think that's really sad.
- [43:50]
A
I agree. Okay. I could go down all sorts of rabbit holes, but I'm trying to keep this podcast within.
- [43:58]
B
Let's do one podcast, like a 20 or 30 minute podcast on each of these pillars and we can hear.
- [44:03]
A
We'll see if we get some feedback. We might do that. Okay.
- [44:05]
B
And go down rabbit holes.
- [44:07]
A
Okay, final physical. So our body, our health. Physical health. Why is it. Now this one is really interesting. So why do high performers often treat their bodies like an afterthought? You know, what is it? You know what? I don't know what the exact quote is. It's like we work a whole lifetime and don't look after ourselves and we end up spending all our money on the health that we could have had over all of the. I don't know. There's a whole quote around it where we spend our lifetime Working, not looking after ourselves, to get to a point in our life where we have the money to afford to pay for all the surgeries and all the stuff we have to do to stay healthy. It's something along that lines. I don't know what it is, but anyways, so when we look at that physical side of it is that. And here's something that's interesting for me is that on the physical side of things, what I've noticed over many years now is that for me, my physical health is so connected to how I feel about all of the other areas of my life. If I'm not feeling good about my physicality, I find that it's a downward spiral that impacts all of the other areas of my life. Now that's what it is for me. But I just really become such a big believer in the need to stay healthy, to really have the quality of life. Because, you know, we've all heard the stories of the millionaires and the billionaires that, you know, have all that money, yet their health sucks. So where do you get to enjoy it? And without health, wealth matters less.
- [45:40]
B
Well, it is very important. And I think about the line, I think it was one of our little nieces asked us and they go, oh, T, if you don't take care of your body, where are you gonna live?
- [45:55]
A
That's so cute. Yeah, that's good because it's true.
- [45:58]
B
But it's also.
- [45:59]
A
That's a pretty deep. That's a pretty deep question.
- [46:01]
B
It is a very deep question. It's something I always come back to because my, My fitness has grown and changed over the years from being fanatical to being, you know, not as fanatical, etc, but mine's the opposite. If I'm not feeling emotionally grounded and connected, that's what affects the other six areas of life. And it actually stops me from exercising, like right now. In the age and the. And the demographic that I am, I prefer my lightweights, my dancing and my walking and my crazy tai chi that I do in the morning and in front of the sun. Like it's crazy that it.
- [46:36]
A
It.
- [46:36]
B
But I have to let it grow and evolve. And the body is our vehicle. It's where our soul lives, it's where our spirit lives. It's where our emotions live. And I think there's the physical side that's not just about the, the actual meat suit, you know, that we're wearing, but it's also how we take care of our organs and how we, you know, take care. Like last couple weeks, we've been doing these foot baths, you know, at night really, and I'm noticing my sleep is going up. You know, I'm not taking melatonin. Like it's just like oh. So the physicality and where I'm plugging in energetically right now is to my purpose, which I find like getting up at six in the morning and I'm ready to run downstairs and start my day and the dogs are confused because that isn't normal. So mine is emotional, that affects my physical.
- [47:26]
A
I get it. So if you're still listening at this point to this podcast, the context for all of it is going back to where we started, which is when we look at our life and we break it down into smaller bite sized pieces, we can be kind of bummed out physically but still be doing really well financially. We can be doing well financially and not doing so well emotionally or spiritually. So the point of all of this is to look at our life and not paint it with one big brush saying my life is not good enough or my life sucks or whatever. And if you're saying my life is awesome, well then that's great too. But the point of it is, is that if we look at the seven areas and any one area of those life, of your life that's not healthy because we talk about health in all seven areas of our life, then you can start to get focused on it, get it cleaned up, don't be a victim to anything that's to going kind of melting you down might be an approach to take to it. Stephanie, I think that's it. That's a wrap. Thank you.
- [48:27]
B
That was amazing. That was fun.
- [48:30]
A
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions or questions you'd like answered, please email me at ceoraincanada.com that's ceor e I-ncanada.com I look forward to hearing from you. And until next time. Patrick.
- [49:03]
B
Oh,