Adam Carolla Has Nowhere Else to Go (Members Only #332)

Summary

The Fifth Column — Members Only #332:

"Adam Carolla Has Nowhere Else to Go"

Release Date: July 1, 2026
Hosts: Kmele Foster, Michael Moynihan, Matt Welch
Guests: Adam Carolla, Bryan Callen, Chris D'Elia, Dr. Drew Pinsky

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Episode Overview

This raucous, freewheeling Members Only episode features comedian and podcast stalwart Adam Carolla in the hot seat, joined by regular Fifth Column friends Bryan Callen and Chris D’Elia, and Dr. Drew Pinsky. The gang undertakes their signature irreverent riffing on cancel culture, the blurred lines of offense in comedy, pop culture controversies, and the dubious legacies of famous figures. The tone is unapologetically provocative and self-deprecating, with Carolla and company dissecting everything from the rules around slurs in rap music to the legacy of Michael Jackson’s father—punctuated by wild anecdotes, plenty of laughter, and zero sacred cows.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Thrill of the “Victory Lap”

• [00:00–00:25]
  • Adam Carolla opens with exuberant memories of doing a “victory lap” in front of 60,000 people, claiming it's one of life’s ultimate moments of joy.
    • Quote: “Victory lap is the best moment of your life. It’s horn honking, people cheering. You just fucking hand out the window... Kids are stupid. Kids, no, not even close.” — Adam Carolla [00:00–00:16]
  • The others rib Carolla about whether this tops even having kids, with Carolla doubling down.

2. Mixed Messages in Cancel Culture

• [00:27–02:30]
  • The conversation rapidly pivots to cancel culture, specifically the contradictions around racial slurs in rap music and public reaction when non-black people repeat lyrics.
  • Dr. Drew and Bryan recall numerous public figures getting “canceled," often for rapping along to controversial lyrics.
    • Quote: “Everyone’s getting canceled. Everyone’s a racist. Everyone’s a rapist. Everyone’s a misogynist.” — Adam Carolla [00:42]
  • Adam highlights the irony of hearing uncensored rap lyrics blaring in otherwise respectable venues, suggesting societal standards are wildly inconsistent.

3. Blackface, Homage, and Outrage Math

• [02:18–04:31]
  • The crew debates the controversial legacy of blackface, caricature, and "homage" in comedy and pop culture. They reference high-profile incidents involving costumed impersonations of figures like Mr. T, Karl Malone, and Michael Jackson.
  • The debate centers around whether intent matters and if these are fundamentally different from “minstrel” blackface.
    • Quote: “I’m dressed up as Mr. T. I’m not going as blackface. I’m going as Mr. T, which is not blackface.” — Adam Carolla [02:19]
    • Quote: “He didn’t do blackface. He dressed up as Michael Jackson…that’s an homage to somebody.” — Bryan Callen [04:27]
  • The infamous “Kendrick Lamar incident” is referenced, where Lamar stopped a white fan from finishing his song’s N-word lyric on stage [02:07–02:14].

4. Michael Jackson, Villains, and Parental Abuse

• [04:31–09:07]
  • The conversation deepens into debate about Michael Jackson, Joe Jackson, and how biographical works use villainous narratives to contextualize or excuse artists' troubling behavior.
  • Dr. Drew describes the Netflix documentary on the Michael Jackson trial, dissecting the wacky and obsessive support base surrounding Jackson, and questions the effectiveness of blaming Joe Jackson.
    • Quote: “I think Michael Jackson…I think he had a weird problem with boys.” — Dr. Drew Pinsky [05:05]
  • Carolla and others riff on Phil Spector and other abusive fathers in pop culture, darkly noting society’s tendency to “forgive” geniuses for terrible behavior due to their creative output.

5. Richard Simmons vs. a Pro Wrestler: Public Perception of Harm

• [09:47–11:56]
  • In a campy tangent, Carolla retells the little-known story of Richard Simmons slapping a pro wrestler at an airport, using the anecdote to comment on how physical threat and harm are perceived differently depending on the reputation or physical presence of the parties involved.
    • Quote: “How much damage could Richard Simmons cause to this pro wrestler?” — Adam Carolla [10:45]

6. Confrontations, Heckling, and Carolla’s “Beat It” Philosophy

• [12:03–14:40]
  • Dr. Drew asks Carolla if his controversies and outspoken persona ever led to real-life altercations.
  • Carolla, recalling his background in boxing and construction, shares that his approach is simply to tell hecklers, “Beat it,” which tends to de-escalate most situations.
    • Quote: “If you say ‘beat it,’ they just retreat. They just leave.” — Adam Carolla [14:18]
  • He describes a specific experience where, after a signing event at a Best Buy, a woman confronted him aggressively about his radio advice, and he defused it without drama.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On “victory lap” vs. children:
  “Kids are stupid. Kids, no, not even close. I told them, you’re fucking doing a victory lap.” — Adam Carolla [00:16]

• On inconsistent cancel culture:
  “Everyone’s getting canceled. Everyone’s a racist. Everyone’s a rapist. Everyone’s a misogynist.” — Adam Carolla [00:42]

• On Michael Jackson’s legacy:
  “I think Michael Jackson…had a weird problem with boys.” — Dr. Drew Pinsky [05:05]

• On abusive but “successful” parents:
  “I feel the same way about Phil Spector. Like, okay, we got a dead waitress…but look at the man’s body of work.” — Adam Carolla [06:15]

• On confrontation management:
  “If you say ‘beat it,’ they just retreat. They just leave.” — Adam Carolla [14:18]

• On “homage” vs. blackface:
  “He didn’t do blackface. He dressed up as Michael Jackson…that’s an homage to somebody.” — Bryan Callen [04:27]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–00:25: Adam Carolla’s “victory lap” story
• 00:27–02:30: Cancel culture, slurs in rap, and shifting social rules
• 02:18–04:31: Blackface discourse and comedy boundaries
• 04:31–09:07: Michael Jackson, Joe Jackson, and legacy management
• 09:47–11:56: Richard Simmons vs. pro wrestler anecdote
• 12:03–14:40: How Carolla handles public confrontations

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Episode Tone & Vibe

The episode is brash, unfiltered, and full of sharp, sometimes uncomfortable humor. The hosts and guests riff openly on topics many regard as taboo, sidestepping political correctness in favor of gallows humor, candor, and cultural critique. Carolla brings his trademark blend of blue-collar bravado and comic bravado, while Dr. Drew lends analytical depth to the more psychologically-tinged discussions. As always, the camaraderie is palpable, the punchlines frequent and biting, and the boundaries always pushed but never boring.

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For listeners who enjoy edgy conversational comedy and incisive media critique, this episode delivers both barbed wit and surprising insight.

Transcript

[Adam Carolla]

Victory lap is the best moment of your life. It's horn honking, people cheering. You just fucking hand out the window, like, it's like.

[Bryan Callen]

So that's the best moment of your life?

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, tenfold, for sure.

[Bryan Callen]

Kids are stupid kids. No, not even.

[Chris D'Elia]

Come on.

[Adam Carolla]

Not even close. I told them, you're fucking doing a victory lap. There's 60,000 people. You're honking your horn. Yeah, for sure.

[Bryan Callen]

Did you even remember that you had kids at that moment or not?

[Chris D'Elia]

No.

[Adam Carolla]

We know of new methods of attack. Never been a better time to be an actor. Trojan horse. Because you're just gonna get lumped in

[Bryan Callen]

with the one who's.

[Adam Carolla]

You'll get lost.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah, yeah. The people who get canceled.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone's getting canceled. Everyone's a racist. Everyone's a rapist. Everyone's a misogynist. Then no more.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Who's the last person who got canceled for being a racist? I mean, there was the. Everyone in 2020 and 21. But there has to be someone.

[Bryan Callen]

Like, alas, there was one TV cook. But you remember the test that we had? Anybody that was in the news that said the N word was rapping along with a song? Always, like, every time. It was like a video of someone rapping along with a Jay Z song.

[Chris D'Elia]

That was.

[Bryan Callen]

But it happened again recently. But just nobody gave.

[Adam Carolla]

But I don't.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's not the case anymore.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm just saying that. Dr. Drew's condo at Hudson Yards. I just went into the gym today at 1:30. I was alone and there's pumping rap music. And it's N word, N word, N word. Nobody else.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

You could say it out loud because Camille really loves it.

[Adam Carolla]

I'm saying it's a weird mixed message. Like, you're gonna just keep pumping it into these.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, it's not a mixed message.

[Bryan Callen]

Wait, who is the rapper?

[Adam Carolla]

It's a trap.

[Bryan Callen]

What was that trap. Who was the rapper that brought the girl up on stage?

[Chris D'Elia]

Kendrick Lamar.

[Bryan Callen]

It was Kendrick Lamar.

[Adam Carolla]

And then one black guy shows up and he's working the vacuum cleaner, watching you carefully. Are you bobbing along?

[Bryan Callen]

No. You're like, I know all about.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, it was weird.

[Bryan Callen]

It was.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's a lose, lose situation.

[Adam Carolla]

It's a lose.

[Chris D'Elia]

Because if you're not into it at least a little bit, then it's like, what's up?

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bryan Callen]

But the Kendrick Lamar thing is he brought her on stage. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

She knew all the words. She was.

[Bryan Callen]

And then he stops and he's like, how dare you say that?

[Adam Carolla]

All right, so I think. I think singing Along.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Is one thing versus using it, which is another thing. Which is the same as blackface versus Carl Malone, Oprah or Mr. T. As me when I was 19, I was just like, I'm dressed up as Mr. T. I'm not going as blackface. I'm going as Mr. T, which is not blackface.

[Chris D'Elia]

I concur.

[Bryan Callen]

I said, this is a Carl Malone thing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, it's Karl Malone.

[Bryan Callen]

No, because blackface is around here. The white.

[Adam Carolla]

You are doing Oprah.

[Bryan Callen]

Yes.

[Adam Carolla]

You are not doing blackface. You're doing Carl Malone.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Totally different thing.

[Bryan Callen]

I agree. I weirdly made this argument today. I don't even say what I said.

[Chris D'Elia]

Huh?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

You trying to.

[Bryan Callen]

No. Talk about the Calone thing, which is bullshit. And people bring that up with Kimmel all the time.

[Adam Carolla]

Well, he did Oprah too.

[Bryan Callen]

Oh, did he?

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, did he?

[Bryan Callen]

I don't remember that one. Oh, that's good.

[Adam Carolla]

That was there.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah. Is that on film or is that just like at your house?

[Adam Carolla]

Well, both. It was inspired by. That was performance at my home. No, we did on the Mansion.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

If you're cross dressing while you do it, that is.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah, that's. That's Madea. At that point, we almost had Mike Lawler the on. And we can blow him up because he canceled on us. Yeah, but he. I was doing the background research twice canceled. And he got in trouble for doing blackface.

[Chris D'Elia]

I think you've only hinted at this before.

[Bryan Callen]

Have I?

[Chris D'Elia]

I think we've only hinted, but yeah, go ahead.

[Bryan Callen]

Now it's. Now it can be told.

[Chris D'Elia]

People know.

[Bryan Callen]

Because he canceled twice, but he didn't do blackf.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dressed up as Michael Jackson.

[Bryan Callen]

Well, here's the thing.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Which is super not blackface.

[Bryan Callen]

He had a glove. No, well, no, he did early Michael Jackson. Like, he did, like, when Joe was beating him up because he did it in blackface and he was dressed up as Michael Jackson. And then I was like, oh. We were making fun of him. Like, oh, that's fucking hilarious. He's like, I love Michael Jackson. And then I was reading some profile that he's so into Michael Jackson that he went in high school from New York to LA to attend the trial in LA to support him. And I was like, you know what? He's. To support him. And I was like, it's fine.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bryan Callen]

That's an homage to somebody.

[Chris D'Elia]

Watch.

[Bryan Callen]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Now you absolutely have to watch the Netflix doc the Michael Jackson the Verdict, which I finished this weekend. I don't know why I was watching it. Maybe to finally prove you all wrong. But like they'd interview one of the crazy people who go there to support Michael and even like she won the lottery and got to go into the courtroom herself and they have a lot

[Chris D'Elia]

of footage from the people denigrate her as crazy. But go ahead, Matt.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

You haven't watched the documentary and like, wow, Lawler was among those people in the crowd. Those people were crazy. Absolutely, absolutely crazy. And also, I think Michael Jackson, I'm going on a limb here. I think he had a weird problem with boys. Yeah, no, like, it's kind of.

[Adam Carolla]

Joe Jackson was always funny because he was always being accused of being abusive and a bad dude and evil.

[Chris D'Elia]

But.

[Adam Carolla]

So he decided to do a carnival barker mustache and like raise an eyebrow and put a pinky ring on. Like, he dressed like he was out of an 80s movie for an evil guy.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Like he couldn't started like doing business with Don King.

[Adam Carolla]

Right. That's going to get it behind you. The part the whole time. Which there was a version of it where he just went to Old Navy and got some cargo shorts and flip flops and went, hey, bro. And you would have went, ah, he's fine. Leave him alone. He's a good dude. But he did the must. He did the penciled in mustache. He did the whole. He dressed as an evil dad.

[Chris D'Elia]

So he was leaning into it.

[Adam Carolla]

Yes, he was leaning into it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Kind of genius. I mean, but he probably also beat the hell out of the kids.

[Adam Carolla]

I know, but the results were magic, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

Have you seen this clip?

[Bryan Callen]

You don't support the results are magic because I absolutely.

[Chris D'Elia]

You didn't hear me take issue.

[Adam Carolla]

I feel the same way about Phil Spector. Like, okay, we got a dead waitress.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

But look at the man's body of work.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Think about what he. Singer, by the way. That's right.

[Bryan Callen]

He held the gun to Joey Ramon's head.

[Adam Carolla]

He didn't shoot the wall of sound.

[Bryan Callen]

Exactly. He didn't shoot the wall of soul.

[Adam Carolla]

You can't miss the wall of sound, by the way. Any direction, you'll get one of them.

[Chris D'Elia]

I saw a clip of Drew Ski, who I think hosted like the BET Awards this past weekend.

[Bryan Callen]

I don't know who that is.

[Chris D'Elia]

He is.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, that's racist online.

[Bryan Callen]

Definitely racist.

[Chris D'Elia]

Drew Ski.

[Bryan Callen]

I'm the George Wallace of the show. Not actually true.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, when it's not me, but Drew Ski was doing. He does these.

[Bryan Callen]

Oh, wait, that's the guy who does the videos online.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yes, he did the white face. Actually, it's not whiteface. We've just established It.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

He did Charlie Kirk's widow. But he also did Joe, which is the prequel to Michael, where he casts himself as Joe. And it is kind of hilarious. Every couple of minutes he's trying to take off his belt as the kids scatter in all directions for various. I can't make it funny by explaining.

[Bryan Callen]

No, it's. I. But I think I probably have defended Ike Turner a few times.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah.

[Bryan Callen]

On this show. Well, I mean, they were his poor

[Adam Carolla]

Gary, Indiana, and then they end up in Encino with a giraffe.

[Chris D'Elia]

Not they.

[Adam Carolla]

I mean, not they.

[Chris D'Elia]

Only one of them got the job.

[Adam Carolla]

I just mean, like, you know, you can't really argue with the results. The results were pretty. Pretty amazing. And we all benefited from the results.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Still do.

[Bryan Callen]

Marie Wilson, too.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Murray Wilson always gets a bad rap. Sure. He probably beat Brian Wilson. So they went deaf in his ear. There's some issues.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, really?

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

I didn't know that.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

That's the theory of it, because Brian was sort of half deaf and he was really nasty to him. And there's famous tapes of him, like, just absolutely being brutalized.

[Adam Carolla]

Oh, Wilson's Brian's dad.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Brian's dad, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

Tyrannical manager, whatever.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

But reasons Peter Bagg has always been. And the late Brian Dougherty were always Murray Wilson. I mean, they got the kids out.

[Adam Carolla]

Go practice.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Right. You gotta get better. I have a theory that I'm just developing right now based on your thing about him playing the character in the mustache. Right. Think about it. The Jackson estate just made a ton of money. That movie printed money, even though it wasn't that great. And then the musical also printed money was very good. Both of those things. That money went to the estate.

[Chris D'Elia]

And the songs are doing numbers again, too.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Songs are doing numbers. And so who is the sort of villain? It's not Michael Jackson, it's Joe. Joe played the part. And by Joe playing the part, that kind of absolves Michael from a lot of the weirdness. And the people under a certain age just kind of don't remember all the boys who were constantly sleeping in his bed for just a long time.

[Chris D'Elia]

These conversations make me uncomfortable.

[Adam Carolla]

No, so what you're saying is if you're. Let's say you're a young guy, like, you're in high school and your grades are bad. You want an older brother named Kurt who's in juvie, because no matter how bad your grades are, you're not Kurt. And juvie. You know what I mean? And so, like, Joe was Kurt, literally my childhood. Joe's Kurt and juvie, right? Yeah. He molested a handful of kids. But this guy was a bad guy.

[Bryan Callen]

Window shifts.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

And he made me do it. Like, I was just working through my trauma here.

[Adam Carolla]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

That's the message of the Michael movie, is that his dad was so, like, tough on him.

[Bryan Callen]

See the Michael movie.

[Adam Carolla]

And also, I mean, look, I don't want to get controversial, but remember when we all heard about Richard Simmons fighting the pro wrestler at the airport in Arizona?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Sure, yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No one's heard that. I remember.

[Bryan Callen]

He won.

[Adam Carolla]

Richard. You guys have to look it up. But Richard Simmons was at an airport in Arizona.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Dolphin shorts, tank top.

[Adam Carolla]

Same thing, right? Bedazzled tank top. And a pro wrestler, like, a professional wrestler, accused him of assault.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, you mean like Olympic professional wrestler or wwe?

[Adam Carolla]

Professional wwe.

[Chris D'Elia]

Okay.

[Adam Carolla]

And so everybody was like, oh, come on. Like, how much damage could. Richard. The guy was £250. You know what I'm saying? And I'm saying, like, the Michael Jackson thing, like, if we were accusing the Rock of all this stuff, we'd be like, that's a bad guy. Michael Jackson was, like, 122 pounds, soaking wet with that high voice and Carol Activator. Like, we're kind of like, you're fine. You know, like, you'd be.

[Bryan Callen]

Yeah.

[Adam Carolla]

No, but I mean, like, when a woman hits a man, we kind of go, like, all right. You know, when a man hits a woman, it's a different situation because of the size, the strength, and the whatever. Michael was so, like, feminine and wavy and weird that I think people sort of just went like, he's. You know, how much. How much harm could Richard Simmons cause to this pro wrestler? Do you guys find that story? Phoenix airport, what year?

[Chris D'Elia]

2004.

[Adam Carolla]

2004. Who was the wrestler?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Two people on the show, and he.

[Chris D'Elia]

Fighter.

[Adam Carolla]

Cage fighter. He sued him. He sued Simmons, too. He made a comment about sweating to the oldies.

[Chris D'Elia]

So of course, Simmons slapped him across the face.

[Bryan Callen]

Oh. Oh. I thought it was like he grabbed his.

[Adam Carolla]

But the whole point is, everyone just.

[Bryan Callen]

I literally thought that was a game.

[Adam Carolla]

Everyone, like, oh, come on. How much? Yeah, the guy's a cage fighter. Richard Simmons. Give me a break. Get out of here. So there was that credit to Richard

[Bryan Callen]

Simmons for slapping a cage fighter in the face at an airport. That's pretty cool. Yeah. He died, right?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

He did.

[Bryan Callen]

Simmons died, right? Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Have you ever been like. I mean, you're a controversial character and have been for a while.

[Chris D'Elia]

Sometimes.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Sometimes as someone that, like, ever, like, showed up and wanted to throw hands like, fuck you, man. I'm sick of what you did in the man show or whatever.

[Adam Carolla]

Like, outside of my family. Yeah, well, okay, there was a couple times. Yeah. So I used to be my job as a boxing coach before I got into show business. So I was always a boxer. So I was always kind of okay with people in space and hands and stuff. Because, you know what I always say with boxing is, like, it's not like your advantage isn't being able to punch. Your advantage is the engagement part. Like, you're just used to having guys distance engagement. Like, what's he doing? What are you doing? What? What do you do? Because a lot of guys who don't do it, they put their hands down, they put their face, and they go, come on, bro. And they get knocked out. So boxing is the real advantage is knowing where everyone is and how far you should be away from them and what makes sense. And you get punched a lot. So I was always okay with that part of it. But. And I worked construction, then I taught boxing. So I was always kind of okay with the physical guys in your face kind of aspect of it. But one time, me and Dr. Drew were at a Best Buy in Torrance, California, after we did a signing for a. We did a signing for a calendar character signing just for people watching at home. And we were standing in one of the lines and, like, a woman came up to us and she said to me, like, you know, you're an asshole and you give horrible advice and you shouldn't be allowed on the air. And there's a version where you argue with them or you try to talk them out of it, but there's a better way to do it where I just go, beat it. If you say beat it, they just retreat. They just leave. So everyone just has to have a Quinn Martin production.

[Bryan Callen]

Beat it, kids. Beat it.

[Adam Carolla]

Quinn production. Yeah, you have to have a beat it sort of in your back pocket. And it worked nicely. But in general, it's happened a few times. But I've never bothered by it because I grew up around dudes and played football and I didn't really care.

[Bryan Callen]

But no one in the airport calling you a fascist kind of thing.

[Adam Carolla]

No, we did Love Line. We would have people waiting in the parking lot and there's some stalkers and some. There was incidents and situations.

[Chris D'Elia]

Hey, it's Mr. T. You've reached the end of this recording. That was free. Why don't you pay up, fool? Pay right now. Sign up at we the fifth.com we the fifth forward/substack something like that. And that's where you pay. You get a subscription. Then you can listen to the whole rest of the episode. I'm not getting on that airplane. Shut up, Hannibal.

[Bryan Callen]

That's just a black guy.

[Chris D'Elia]

Pretty good. That's Mr. T. That's clearly Mr. T. I said shut up, Hannibal and everything. Yeah, that's fine.