← The Fr. Mike Schmitz Catholic Podcast
The Fr. Mike Schmitz Catholic Podcast
How to Correct Someone Without Hurting Them
00:07:08
What's the difference between criticism and correction, and does it really matter? Fr. Mike Schmitz explains how to offer correction in a way that is both loving and effective. Instead of assuming motives, resorting to name-calling, or making personal attacks, he encourages us to focus on the facts. And when we're unsure of someone's intentions, choose trust over suspicion.
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A word of correction needs to be offered. But I'm not going to give my interpretation of the data. I'm just going to give the data. I'm not going to slip into this thing where I'm talking about what I think your motivation might have been or your character. I'm just saying, hi, my name is Father Mike Schmitz, and this is Ascension presents. I know in the past, I've talked about Dr. John Gottman and his wife, who were clinical psychologists, are clinical psychologists who have studied couples around the globe. He had studied so many couples and how they interacted with each other that he could listen to a couple or watch a couple have a conversation for 15 minutes. And he said that he could predict with 90% accuracy whether or not they'd be divorced in three years. And it was just a pretty big claim. But he also said that the reason why is because he would look for these things he termed the Four Horsemen. I've talked about the Four Horsemen in other. Other videos, but not this one. I don't think I've ever talked about the first of the Four Horsemen. The first of the Four Horsemen is criticism. And this is my understanding of John Gottman's teaching when it comes to criticism. I think this can be really helpful for us, particularly those of us who are in relationship with other people, which is all of us. So criticism is different than correction. Correction is necessary. So here's a romantic relationship, here's a working relationship, here's a friend relationship. Correction needs to be present, right? There are some times where I just have to say, okay, this was upsetting, or I need to offer this word where there's some change that needs to happen. Correction. So, example would be this. I asked you three times this week to pick up the dry cleaning. Three times you said you would pick up the dry cleaning. You still haven't done it, and I'm really upset, or I was really counting on that, and now I'm going to be late for X, Y, or Z. So that. That's simply a correction. That's a correction. When it comes to correction, what I'm doing is I'm offering the data. I asked you to pick up the dry cleaning. Three times you said you would pick up the. Three times you said you'd pick it up, you didn't pick it up. That's just the data, right? Because we were trying to change behavior, we're trying to offer a correction, trying to communicate with each other. Criticism is different. Criticism is like this. It's, hey, I asked you to Pick the dry cleaning three times. Three times you said you would do it. You didn't do it because you don't care about anyone but yourself or because you're so selfish, or because if it was your dry cleaning, you would have done it, but because it was mine, you didn't. Correction, data, criticism is my interpretation of the data. Like, this is so important, right? So a good correction is I'm just presenting the data. A criticism is I'm presenting my interpretation of the data. And my interpretation typically surrounds two things. One is your motivation or. Or your character, right? So you didn't do it. Why? Because you don't care about anyone but yourself. That's your motivation, or you didn't do it. Why? Because you're selfish. Your character. And so keep this in mind, that when we're having those conversations with people, sometimes we need to have these conversations where it's like, okay, this is a behavior that has to change, or this is a behavior that is destructive to the people around you, or this is a behavior that hurt me. There's a book, a great book called Crucial Conversations. And in it, one of my big takeaways from crucial conversations is when having a crucial conversation, stick to the data, right? Stick to, here is what happened. Cause what else. What happens if I don't. What happens is, if I go into a criticism and start talking about their motivation or talking about their character, what do we end up talking about? We end up talking about my interpretation. We end up talking about. They end up defending themselves because they're like, no, no, no, that wasn't my motivation, or, no, that's not my character. And now we're talking about something that is kind of irrelevant to the moment. The issue at hand is you said you'd pick up dry cleaning. I don't have dry cleaning. You didn't do what you said you would do. But if I. Again, if I give a criticism now, we're talking about my assessment or my interpretation of your motivation or my interpretation or assessment of your character. And we're not actually talking about the real issue. So there are some ways to deal with this where we can stay in the realm of correction and not just drift into the area of criticism. Number one, again, stick to the data. But there's a way, actually, we do this on our campus with our team. We have our Newman staff, our campus ministry staff, and we have our focus missionaries. And actually, one of our focus missionaries had brought this to me and it was so good. Say, there's something we agreed to do and they're not going to do the thing like the dry cleaning or say, for example, we have a 8am holy hour that everyone's expected to be at if they know they're not going to be there. Oftentimes they'll text the group chat, they'll say, hey, filling the gap. I won't be able to make it to holy hour on time because of X, Y or Z. And that phrase filling the gap comes from this phrase that one of our focus missionary team directors and now our current team director has really brought into our kind of vocabulary where it's filling the gap with trust. Here's the gap between what you said you'd do and what you're doing. So let's fill that gap with trust so that I'm not left to my interpretation of the data. So we oftentimes have these texts or have even in person conversation with hey, filling the gap with trust. I won't be able to make blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's so helpful ahead of time now. But sometimes, of course, we don't think of it ahead of time. Sometimes we are reacting to someone else's behavior. In that case, we have another phrase. And I just, again, I'm sharing this with you because I think it's really helpful. And the phrase is this. When I have to have that crucial conversation, when I have to have that word of correction, one of the phrases we'll use is the story I'm telling myself is so. So I noticed that three days this week you haven't been showing up to adoration on time. The story I'm telling myself is, you know, maybe that you don't care about being part of the team or the story I'm telling myself is whatever, fill in the blank. And it's so helpful because when I say the story I'm telling myself is when I'm in a. I'm not attacking, right? I'm not not saying the reason is because of this motivation or because of this character. I'm inviting you to clarify, I'm inviting you to correct me. The story I'm telling myself is this. I'm probably wrong. So I'm inviting you into a conversation. I'm not making an accusation. And that can be so, so helpful for relationships where, okay, a word of correction needs to be offered. But I'm not going to give my interpretation of the data. I'm just going to give the data. I'm not going to slip into this thing where I'm talking about what I think your motivation might have been or your character. I'm just saying, here's what happened, and maybe I'll have to say the story I'm telling myself is whatever that story is. And I'm inviting the other person into relationship. I'm inviting them not to be defensive. I'm inviting them to correct me so that we can move forward. See, the reality with Gottman and with many people who've worked in this area is that these things happen. Misunderstandings happen. We let each other down. But there's really, really helpful ways to talk about it. And there's some ways to talk about it that are not as helpful. I think criticism is not as helpful, and I think correction is incredibly helpful. Anyways, try it. Give her a go. And let me know if you can avoid one of those four Horsemen, because that'd be really, really good for your friendships, for your working relationships, and if you're married, for your marriage. Anyways, marvelous. Here to Cinch presents. My name's Father Mike. God bless. Actually, let me try it again. That was really too fast. Why do I just say all my consonants? Anyways, from all of us here at Ascension. Anyways, from all. Anyways, from all. Anyways, from all of us here at Ascension presents. My name is Father Mike. God bless.