← The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos
The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos
Finding Holiday Happiness (Dr Laurie on the How God Works podcast)
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- [00:00]
Laurie Santos
Small Business Owners this one's for you. Chase for Business and iheart bring you a podcast series called the Unshakeables. This one of a kind series will shine the spotlight on small business owners like you who faced a do or die moment that ultimately made their business what it is today. Learn more@chase.com business podcast Chase Make More of what's Yours Chase Mobile app is available for select mobile devices. Message and data rates may apply. J.P. morgan Chase Bank NA Member FDIC Copyright 2024 J.P. morgan Chase & Co. The holiday season is back, which means it's a time for giving Subaru and its retailers believe in giving back to those who need it most. For the past 17 years, Subaru has made the act of buying a Subaru during the holiday season an act of love. When you purchase or lease a new Subaru during the Subaru Share the Love event, Subaru and its retailers donate a minimum of $300 to charity.
- [00:59]
Dave Disteno
By the end of this year's event.
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Laurie Santos
Subaru and its retailers will have donated nearly $320 million to national and hometown charities.
- [01:07]
Dave Disteno
To learn more, go to subaru.com share Subaru more than a car company hey.
- [01:15]
Laurie Santos
It'S Dr. Laurie Santos here. This holiday season I'm heading back to Iowa to visit my in laws, but while I'm away, my home will be empty. If you, like me, are traveling this holiday season, that might be the perfect time to host your home on Airbnb to earn some extra cash. It's a smart and easy way to make some extra money for holiday presents. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much@airbnb.com host Pushkin. This is our final show of 2024 and it's a good opportunity for me to thank you for listening to and.
- [02:02]
Oliver Berkman
Supporting the Happiness Lab.
- [02:04]
Laurie Santos
Your support means a lot, but you don't have to wait long until we're back. On January 1st, we'll be launching a new series for the new year. I'll be doubling down on the practical happiness advice I know you all appreciate. We're making a series of how to guides to help you joyfully navigate things like relationships, stress and the messiness of our daily lives. By the end of each show, you'll have heard at least five tips that you can put into action right away direct from the mouths of some of the smartest well being scientists and thinkers. All that starting January 1st.
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Oliver Berkman
I know you'll love it, but right.
- [02:41]
Laurie Santos
Now, the holiday season is here. It's supposed to be a time of joy. But way too many of us are feeling rushed, stressed, lonely, and even hopeless. What are some scientific strategies we can use to have a happier holiday season?
- [02:55]
Oliver Berkman
And can we also get some happiness.
- [02:57]
Laurie Santos
Insights from the Traditions of the Past these are the questions I had a chance to explore with my good friend Dave Disteno. Dave's a psychology professor at Northeastern University. He also hosts a podcast called How God Works, an entire show devoted to looking at the wisdom we can get from ancient traditions, no matter what our own beliefs are.
- [03:15]
Oliver Berkman
Dave and I had a super fun.
- [03:16]
Laurie Santos
Chat on his show about how we can put psychological science and ancient wisdom into practice this holiday season to feel happier and less stressed. So I decided to share that episode with you today. It's my holiday gift to you.
- [03:28]
Oliver Berkman
I hope you enjoy it.
- [03:45]
Unknown Speaker
You know that turn of phrase, the dead of winter? Well, there's a good reason for it. In the northern climes, this is the season of death, dark and dormancy. All the color and bounty of the fall harvest is gone. Even the sun is disappearing earlier and earlier. And the shorter, colder days we're facing lead to a drop in serotonin levels and changes to our circadian rhythms. The result? Feelings of stress, gloominess, anxiety and isolation for many people. And as much as we might like to hibernate and sleep away these dark, cold months, for us humans, life goes on. Which is one reason why many northern cultures have come up with some of the most festive, cozy and sexy celebratory winter holidays to help get us through. From lighting candles to reciting communal prayers and songs, to giving gifts and aid to others, many of these traditions are rooted in religion. But there's also reason to believe that these traditions can bring comfort and happiness regardless of faith, if you do them right. By that, I don't mean reciting the prayer correctly or lighting the candles just so, but rather by focusing on the heart of the traditions and advice they give. Which is why I'm so thrilled to have my friend, podcast host and happiness expert Laurie Santos, join me today to talk about how and why these time honored holiday traditions work on our brains and bodies. And for those of us who find the traditions themselves a source of worry and stress, we'll find ways to reconnect with the good stuff to make this holiday season a brighter, happier one for all of us. Hi Lori, thanks for coming on the show again.
- [05:35]
Oliver Berkman
Thanks for having me back and Happy Holidays. Happy holidays. Dave, did you know that I don't actually, like, I'm not that into the holidays. Did you know that when you Were I did.
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Unknown Speaker
I was going to ask you because actually you and I have been friends for a while, but I didn't think I ever asked you. Were you doing Christmas as a child or something else?
- [05:49]
Laurie Santos
Yeah, I grew up with Christmas a little bit.
- [05:50]
Oliver Berkman
Thanksgiving, although that wasn't really a big holiday. But my favorite one was Halloween. So I'm really into Halloween. You know, the costumes, the candy, all the spooky stuff. And when November 1st comes around, I have to work really hard to not wind up in a deep, dark depression because like my favorite holiday is done when they take out all the Halloween stuff and they move the candy out and they put the Christmas lights in and the decorations. It's a little period of mourning for me.
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Unknown Speaker
Well, I think you're not that alone. I mean, the surveys show that for a lot of people this time of year, even though many say they're looking forward to the holidays, they're also feeling a good bit of stress, sadness, fatigue, and even loneliness. So given that you are in some ways one of those people, what do you think leads to that? What makes this time so hard?
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Oliver Berkman
I think part of it is our efforts, expectations. I mean, there are literally songs jingling on the radio claiming it's the most wonderful time of the year. So if you're thinking like this is the kind of time of year when I feel a little bit lonely, or this is the time of year when I feel super overwhelmed because there's just like a lot on my plate, you can start to feel like you're doing it wrong, there's something wrong with you. And so I think that this expectation that it's supposed to be the most wonderful can lead us astray. I mean, as you know from so much work in behavioral science, it's really not the objective way that a situation plays out. It's really our expectation, expectation that affects how we think about it. So if our expectations are really high, even a reasonably good, just fine holiday can make us feel kind of crappy.
- [07:17]
Unknown Speaker
Yeah, like we're not doing it right. But I recently saw a study that piqued my interest and it was looking at people during the holiday season. And what it showed is that people who celebrated in the more traditional way actually ended up having more positive emotions, higher satisfaction with their lives and greater well being. And so that led me to the question of why, what parts of these traditions boost happiness and what can we learn from that? Whatever our beliefs might be. And that, my friend, is where you come in.
- [07:49]
Oliver Berkman
It's not my deep hatred of the holiday season. It's my deep knowledge of. It's your behavioral science and health. Yeah.
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Unknown Speaker
Yes. But sometimes coming from a place where it wasn't working and learning how to put it into practice along with that, science is really important because as we all know, having the goal is important, but understanding how to actually make it a practice and not just a goal is what really matters.
- [08:10]
Oliver Berkman
Yeah. And this is actually something that I've been putting into effect in my own life. Given that I don't like the holidays, what can I do to make them a little bit happier? Find my own rituals and so on?
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Unknown Speaker
Let me start with one thing that often I think gets in my way in the holidays. All the rushing that we do, it almost feels like a frenzy to prepare. It's like shop, cook, write cards, and then wrap and shop some more. And even though I know I'm supposed to be enjoying the season, I'm not really doing it as I go along. I keep saying, when this is done, I will have time to be happy. When this is done, I'll be happy. And then it's like the day after Christmas and I'm like, where did it all go?
- [08:49]
Oliver Berkman
Yeah. I mean, I think there's lots of studies on this, just broadly in the field of happiness science. This bias that researchers call the arrival fallacy. It's kind of like, I'll be happy when. Right. I'll be happy when I just get through all the shopping and we can, you know, get to the actual day where we open the presents. Or I'll be happy when New Year's rolls around and I'm through all the work parties. Right. We're kind of constantly sort of fast forwarding, like this moment where we can take a breath and stick around and savor and notice all the good stuff. And of course, as you might imagine, that arrival fallacy messes us up for a couple reasons. One is that we're not enjoying the journey as we go through. So these moments that could be kind of fun when you're shopping and hearing the cool music and seeing people and enjoying the bustle, there's a kind of really richness to that that we could. We're not doing that because we're just like, fast forwarding till we get that done and go on to the next thing. And so it means that we're missing these moments of joy along the way that we're not paying attention to. But the second reason that falling prey to this arrival fallacy is so bad is that we tend to get these predictions wrong. Christmas morning, with my Family sitting under the tree. We think when I get there I'll be so happy. But we're forecasting that that's going to feel really awesome. And in fact it's going to have its problems too, right? Maybe it's kind of cold out or I didn't get the gift I liked. Very few people have the privilege of having a hol that goes swimmingly across all those expectations. It's going to actually have its like little bumps. And so inevitably we wind up kind of fast forwarding to this time that we're forecasting is going to be super perfect, but might not be as perfect as we think. And then we wind up having missed out on the stuff we should have been enjoying along the way.
- [10:22]
Unknown Speaker
But when I was a kid, and I see this in lots of young kids, it's what's the next present? And I open it and I look at it and I'm like, thanks. And I throw it to the side and then what's the next present? Do you have any advice for getting really excited kids to savor during the holidays?
- [10:39]
Oliver Berkman
Well, in some ways you're like asking the wrong person because when I was a kid and even in my family now you get the presents and everybody just like rips them open like you're in your own little me, me, me world. And when I first went to the holidays at my in law's family, which you go to my husband Mark in Iowa, they had this tradition that was so incredibly foreign to me where they waited and went around the room and everybody opened one present at a time. And it was so funny to me how like I was like ready to rip in. And he was kind of looking at me like Lori, like mom's opening her present, just wait. And I was like, oh. And it winds up being a very long procedure which kind of, you know, was really hard for my normal temporal discounting where I kind of wanted to open my presents right away. But they turn it into like a really day long event. And we kind of open presents and we talk about each present and we go through. But for kids, I think you need to get creative about the rituals of this, right? And so that can be having something that happens in between every present. Maybe people have to comment on presents, you have to sing one thing you're grateful for in between every present or you know, you need to share a delight that you have at the end of the day throughout the holiday season. And sometimes you'll find that even when you're struggling to figure this stuff out, if you Give them a new tradition, especially little kids, they sometimes really get into it. And for many parents, I think seeing the holiday season through the eyes of a kid, if you can help that kid articulate the things that they're savoring, that can be so good for your own positive emotion.
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Unknown Speaker
But that's a really important point that I didn't think of. Because if you do it that way and if you reflect on it that way, that's the opportunity for the savoring and for the gratitude.
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Oliver Berkman
Exactly. And so I think whatever you can do to sort of extend it out can be really powerful. On the first day of Christmas, my true love came.
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Unknown Speaker
It's interesting because when I look at many of the traditions, celebrations, they were usually multi day. In the Christian tradition, there's Advent, you know, four weeks before when people come together, do crafts together, pray together, eat together. In hanukkah, there are eight days of families coming together. In Yule, it's 12. And I think they just give you more opportunities to savor. And right now, you know, in the US at least, we've kind of made Christmas one day and it's the be all and the end. All right, so if we're trying to think this season about how to take more time to savor, to not fall prey to the arrival fallacy, what should we do?
- [13:10]
Oliver Berkman
So one of my favorite suggestions, which I actually learned from Liz Dunn, she's a professor at the University of British Columbia, she actually suggested harnessing our pro social emotions to savor more. One of the things she suggests is to give your savoring as a gift to someone. So what does she mean? Let's say it's a holiday event. I'm making gingerbread houses with my niece and it's messy. I'm feeling a little frustrated. But if I was thinking pro socially about what I would want to give my niece, I would say let me try to be fully present and have a really good time. This is going to turn into a fun memory that she's going to look back at later. Right. In some ways I'm not savoring for me because it's going to help my journey in the holiday season. I'm savoring for my niece or you know, a different holiday version. Sometimes family tensions can come up, but.
- [13:54]
Laurie Santos
It'S like, you know what?
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Oliver Berkman
I'm going to engage in this holiday event with no tension. I'm just going to shut all that off so that we can have a good time. And that's the gift to my mom. Even when savoring is hard for us. If we're setting this up as a gift for somebody else, it can help.
- [14:06]
Unknown Speaker
What that suggests in some ways is that presence is a shared experience. And what we're learning more and more from behavioral science is that experiences in some ways matter more than material goods for happiness. Right?
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Oliver Berkman
Yeah, that's right. And I think this is something we can really get wrong, especially in the holiday season. We get obsessed with kind of giving a particular thing, but. But what we know from a lot of the behavioral science and happiness field is material possessions just don't really increase our happiness as much as we think, or definitely for as long as we think. We'd be much better thinking about gifts of experiences, whether that's something we literally give somebody. You know, give somebody a gift card for going to a cool new restaurant or a gift card to take a course online. But it can also be the experiences we give people during the holiday season when we're present with them. One of the cool things about the holiday season that we forget is it's one of the few times of year that we kind of all are in the same groove. People have time off for the major holidays and New Year's and so on. It's a time that we can kind of like connect together, even though we're all busy. Like, we're all sort of going through it together. And so I think it's really a time when we can harness social connection to feel a little bit healthier.
- [15:22]
Unknown Speaker
But I want to get back to the gifts because in some ways, that is such a big part of the holiday season. You know, you and I can talk about this, and people can say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's my present? For many people, as you said, this can seem like one of the most stressful parts of the holidays. I've got to get this for my kids. I've got to get this for my coworkers. My great Aunt Jenny, she hates everything. What am I going to get her? But in reality, you know, I think the reason many of these traditions remind us to give gifts isn't just to make other people happy, but to let us realize that the act of giving itself brings us joy and happiness. So what does the science of happiness tell us about giving to other people, whether it's spending money on them or giving them our time?
- [16:05]
Oliver Berkman
Well, the evidence here is super clear, which is that doing for others is one of the fastest ways to make ourselves happy. And I think this is something our culture gets wrong a lot. It shifts a little bit in the holiday season, where it's this sort of season of giving, but even in the season of giving, and definitely for the rest of the year, it feels like we're not in the season of giving, we're in the season of self care or treating ourselves right.
- [16:26]
Unknown Speaker
Treat yourself. Anytime that you gave yourself a break, go ahead and treat yourself.
- [16:35]
Oliver Berkman
I mean, even in the holiday season, you can look to these sort of self help books, which is like how to get self care during the season of giving, right? This is all about us. So controlled for the amount of income people have, people who donate more money to charity are happier than those that tend to not donate as much money to charity. Controlled for the amount of free time people people have, people who volunteer their time to support others wind up being happier than those that keep their time to themselves. And in studies where you force people to do nice stuff for others, you wind up finding that even forcing somebody to do nice things for others makes them feel happier. One of my favorite of these studies is based on some of the work of Liz Dunn. She and Lara acknowledge they just walk up to people on the street and hand them 20 bucks. Here I want you to spend this 20 bucks to do something nice to treat yourself. That's one condition. Or here I want you to spend these 20 bucks to do something nice for somebody else. You could donate this money to charity. You could buy something nice for a friend. And what Liz finds is at the end of the day, and even later on when she surveys people, people who spend the money on others are happier. Now this is an effect that really violates our intuitions. I think generally anything we can do that has a positive effect on other people winds up increasing both their happiness and our happiness more than we expect. Nick Epley, who's a professor at the University of Chicago, has this great term for this. He calls it under sociality, or alternatively he sometimes calls it the prosociality paradox. We kind of know that doing nice stuff for others is going to be good, but we completely underestimate how good it's going to feel both for the other person. Nick has all this evidence showing that, like, if you predict, say, how good a compliment we'll feel to a stranger on the street or kind of giving a little gift of coffee, if you're at the coffee shop buying the coffee for the person behind you, we predict it's going to be good, but we consistently super underestimate how good, both for the other person but also for us. And those biases are really problematic because if you Think about when do we make these decisions to do nice things for other people? It's usually because we have a prediction about them, Right? You know, my brain has this little mental calculator that's assessing like, well, should I buy the latte for myself or should I gift the latte to the person behind me? And if you're predicting like, well, for myself, it's going to feel great. You're usually going to act on the basis of that false prediction. And that's why I think these religious traditions can be so helpful, because they force us to develop habits of doing that. You know, you just kind of build in charity etched into the belief system that you're working with, or they allow us to form habits where we get some experience with this, right? So we get practice with it over time, and maybe we can learn, like, well, even though my intuition says this, you know, last time I donated the money to charity, when I had a little extra and I was feeling bad, it felt kind of nice, so maybe I should do that again. And so I think it's helpful to have these structures to help us.
- [19:13]
Unknown Speaker
One thing that I learned is that the fifth night of Hanukkah is focused on giving to others outside of the family. And actually, children are encouraged to give gifts, too. So it's not only that they're receiving, but whether they're given money or they buy toys, they're encouraged to basically give it to other people, other children. And by that act, they're basically in Liz Dunn's study in some way.
- [19:37]
Oliver Berkman
Exactly.
- [19:38]
Unknown Speaker
And learning that. And again, right here's where I think we see some of the wisdom of these spiritual traditions and these holidays that are all about giving. I think part of it is sometimes you have to actually have the experience to realize that all the data we're talking about actually is true and means something to you. But it's not just money, right? It's giving of yourself, time, care, reaching out, whatever it might be. Is it true that engaging in service to others outside of the giving of money has the same effect?
- [20:14]
Oliver Berkman
For sure. And I think when you say the phrase service to others, it almost feels like, well, I gotta pack my bags and go to the soup kitchen for like 10 hours, you know? No. A service to others can look like texting a friend you haven't talked to in a while and just saying, hey, thinking of you. It can be giving a compliment to someone on the street. It can be expressing gratitude to someone in your workplace who did something really great. It can even be. And I think this is super important to remember in the holiday season. It can even be asking for help, because the act of asking for help often lets somebody do something nice for you. One of my favorite examples of this is think back to the last time you were walking around and someone asked you for directions, especially directions to somewhere you knew. How did you feel about that? You're like, yes, I get to do this nice thing. I get to show my knowledge, like I'm helping this person. Like, you got asked for something, but you felt great. And that's typically true when people ask us for stuff, especially stuff that's pretty easy for us to do. It winds up making us feel really good. And so during the holiday season, when you're feeling overwhelmed, think about the possibility of, like, asking a family member for help. It's such a simple action, but it makes other people feel competent and gives them the benefit of helping you. And then everybody kind of winds up feeling happier. It kind of boosts the overall pie of good cheer in the holiday season in ways we don't anticipate.
- [21:44]
Dave Disteno
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I'm not a huge fan of the holiday season, but I do like all the cozy parts. Sitting in fuzzy socks with a warm mug of hot cocoa or tea, or cozying up with my favorite blanket and watching movies with my husband. These are some of my favorite ways to spend the month of December. If you're feeling in need of a bit more comfort, you could also try therapy. Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort that never goes away, even when the season changes. I know therapy has helped me learn positive coping skills and how to set boundaries. It empowers you to be the best version of yourself. And it isn't just for those who've experienced major trauma. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. BetterHelp is entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com Lori today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com Laurie L A.
- [22:49]
Laurie Santos
U R I E Small Business Owners this one's for you. Chase for Business and iheart bring you a podcast series called the Unshakeables. This one of a kind series will shine the spotlight on small business owners like you who faced a do or die moment that ultimately made their business what it is today. Learn more@chase.com business podcast Chase make More of what's Yours Chase Mobile app is available for select mobile devices. Message and data rates may apply JPMorgan Chase Bank NA Member FDIC Copyright 2024 JP Morgan Chase & Co.
- [23:26]
Unknown Speaker
This is the favorite time of year for many. It's everything from staying up late to wrap gifts to getting up early to put the turkey in the oven, from decorating the tree in matching pajamas to icing sugar cookies with extra sprinkles, from attending holiday parties in the ugliest sweaters, to cuddling up on the couch to watch festive movies with loved ones. The joy of the season resides in these cherished traditions with family and friends, and the Chinet brand is there to share in it all. The Chinet crystal collection features plates, cups and cutlery, ensuring that holiday tables are perfectly coordinated. This allows for an elegant table setting with less cleanup, letting everyone focus on what truly matters. Here's to the traditions that bring us.
- [24:09]
Laurie Santos
Together year after year. Here's to us, all of us.
- [24:13]
Unknown Speaker
Find a local retailer@mychainet.com.
- [24:30]
As Laurie said, every act of giving doesn't have to be a major project. In fact, when time is short, like it often is at the holidays, finding simpler ways to help others might be what makes those good deeds not just more possible, but also more enjoyable. And that idea of scaling down, of not being the person who's got everything together and does everything perfectly, can apply in other ways, too.
- [24:56]
Oliver Berkman
We recently just talked to the writer Oliver Berkman for my podcast, who has a really great new book on the idea of imperfectionism, where what would it look like to kind of do things a little bit less good in ways that allow you to not feel so overwhelmed so you can be present and happy during the season? And he had this notion that I loved of scruffy hospitality, where the idea is like, if you go to the holiday party and the cookies aren't really done yet, and like everything's kind of a little bit of a mess, and the host is like, hey, can you kind of help frost those little sugar cookies? Because I need some help, you feel like you're seeing a vulnerable side of the people you're interacting with and you're comfortable. But you know, sometimes you go to that holiday dinner party and it's like perfect. It's got the Kindles and everything set up and how do you interact? If you're a guest there, you kind of feel a little maybe on edge, like, should I take my shoes off. Like, did I put my napkin in the right spot? If you go with the scruffy version, you personally don't feel as overwhelmed when you're running your own dinner parties and so on.
- [25:53]
Unknown Speaker
You are, absolutely. I've had this experience with people I know, and I've gone to these parties, and not only have I felt like, okay, which fork do I use? But I also feel like, oh, my God, I can never have them to my house. I can't reciprocate because I'll never be able to pull this off.
- [26:06]
Oliver Berkman
And, you know, one of the things we know from the work, from the research is that, you know, social connection is such a huge part of our happiness. But I think some of us shy away from social connection, especially during the holiday season where we feel like, you know, maybe I don't have enough money for presents or I don't have, you know, the time or the bandwidth to decorate my house. We can get kind of messed up about how much we have to do. And so I think resetting those perfectionist expectations, giving yourself permission to do it 85%, 89%, just that permission can be really powerful.
- [26:37]
Unknown Speaker
This brings up the second point I wanted to talk about about gift giving and getting. It's. Sometimes I get a gift and I'm like, oh, God, now I gotta get this person something. And I'm not proud of that response, but it feels like an indebtedness, right? I'm not feeling gratitude for it. I'm feeling like it's another responsibility. And so the question that I have is, how do we cultivate more of a sense of gratitude and not like, oh, great, now I owe you something.
- [27:07]
Oliver Berkman
At the holiday season, it's interesting, gratitude. It's a complicated, positive emotion, right? Because it makes me feel good that someone thought about me. But it does have this kind of sense of indebtedness. I kind of want to give back. And that kind of motivation. This is kind of the getting to the pro social emotions that you've talked about and the kind of ways that gratitude motivates us to be good people. It can be the little juice we need to do that nice, good act to somebody else, which winds up making us feel better, right? And so one of my favorite strategies for this is to commit to being a good gift receiver. Sometimes we think that the way to be a good gift receiver is to, like, give materially the same kind of financial transaction back, right? You know, if you get the socks, it's like, well, I have to get something equivalent for the socks to, you know, Aunt Jolene, who I didn't think was going to get me anything. A different way we can be a good gift gift receiver is to really verbally and clearly express our gratitude about the gift. And I think best expressions of gratitude are ones that are specific. So, oh, my gosh, I really like these socks. They're a particular color that goes with my suit. I can see myself wearing them. So you're kind of simulating the specifics of why that thing is really helpful for you. But even better way to be a good gift receiver is to thank people not just at the moment where you rip the present open, but when you're actually using them later. So I've committed to trying to do this with gifts that I've got. Like, I have this wonderful Dutch oven that my dad and my stepmom gave me at this point many years ago. But Dutch ovens, you know, live on. And there's moments when I like, you know, I'm just making some casserole or something, and I think this is so cool that they gave me this gift. And I'll just like, a quick text of like, I was still using your Dutch oven. Still around. I was still enjoying it. Another great thing gratitude can do is it can get rid of what's called hedonic adaptation, which is, like, you just kind of get used to stuff that's good stuff in your life, but you kind of stop noticing that it was really awesome. Take my Dutch oven, for example, right when I'm thinking about, man, I'm so grateful that my dad got me this thing. It makes the Dutch oven kind of feel a little bit more exciting when it could have just been this pot, you know? And again, it's just a boost for.
- [29:06]
Laurie Santos
All of us and a boost to.
- [29:08]
Oliver Berkman
The relatedness to the relationship. Right? Because that's what the gifts are really about. It's not like, well, financial transaction and now I'm in debt. And no, the goal is to create more of a connection, and ideally one that lives, you know, past December 26, too.
- [29:20]
Unknown Speaker
And I think one thing that we learn from the spiritual traditions is when they talk about gratitude, it's not so much focused on the object, it's focused on the effort and the cost to the person to do it. Maybe they knitted me a hat, and maybe it's a hideous hat, but they put their heart and soul into that thing, right? And in some ways, that means more to me than a beautiful hat that somebody got me at Macy's on their way out of the store as an extra gift topper. And so I totally agree that we need to thank them for it and keep those relationships going. I think, you know, part of what we need to do more is to appreciate the intention behind the gift.
- [30:03]
Oliver Berkman
I think it can help if you try to think about that intention in terms of their relatedness. Right. You know, the hat that was knit, or maybe you don't love the hat, you're not gonna use the hat. Like, you can think back to, like, Derek moments where, you know, that cousin was sitting there, you know, knitting this wonderful thing for you, thinking about you enjoying it.
- [30:20]
Unknown Speaker
I often talk about gratitude related to how it makes us more virtuous people, more generous people. But what does it do just for our health and happiness?
- [30:28]
Oliver Berkman
Oh, my gosh. It has so many positive effects that are, like, kind of striking when you read the literature. So individuals who are generally just, you know, personality wise, a little bit more grateful wind up sleeping better. There's evidence from folks like Bob Emmons lab that it can reduce things like inflammation. How does gratitude reduce something like inflammation? When you're more grateful, you're more future oriented, you eat a little bit healthier, you go to the gym a little bit more. That by itself is going to reduce inflammation. So it has this cascade of tiny positive effects, both physically and, I think, mentally, that allow us to engage in the right behaviors and motivations that wind up making us healthier and happier over time.
- [31:06]
Unknown Speaker
So if we're celebrating, traditionally, we're doing gratitude prayers during Advent and Christmas during the eight days of Hanukkah. If we're kind of celebrating in a secular way, what are the ways that you encourage people to cultivate gratitude?
- [31:19]
Oliver Berkman
There's lots of secular gratitude practices that work pretty well. The simple act of writing in a gratitude journal every day, you know, three to five things you're grateful for that can wind up making you feel happier if that feels a little bit onerous. One of my favorite alternative versions of that practice is something I've done with Catherine Price, who's a journalist. She actually talks about developing a delight practice where if you just see something delightful in the world, you just text each other, I saw this ridiculous thing, delight. You know, the normal bias we have is a negativity bias, right? Where we're out seeking the tough stuff. And I think in a holiday season where our expectations are high, that negativity bias can be on, like, you know, high alert. But a gratitude practice or a delight practice trains your attention to find the delightful things. And like religions, it's ideal if you do it with somebody else. One of the reasons religious traditions work so well is most religious traditions aren't, you know, you and your house all by yourself, you know, engaging in something. It's doing something with other people. Like if you're doing a delight practice with other people. You gotta find the delights. Cause you know they're gonna text you three times with delights and you're gonna feel like, oh man, I gotta find something. But then your attention is out there looking for the good things in the world, looking for the nice stuff.
- [32:30]
Unknown Speaker
When I think back about the holidays that I did throughout my life, some of the ones that seemed most rich and brought me the most joy involved doing the traditional things for Christmas. And one of those was going to mass Christmas services. I was raised Catholic. I was an altar boy. I have none of those things now. I'm a good old eggnog scientist. But I still like going to those services with the majesty and the music. And this got me thinking about your friend in mind, Dacher Keltner's work on awe. And it seems like during these holidays there are these times when you can experience awe. The art, the music, the beauty, even lighting your first Christmas tree at home with your family. And so what do we know about how those experiences of awe affect happiness?
- [33:36]
Oliver Berkman
Research shows that experiencing awe winds up having these very important positive consequences. One of them is that it winds up making us feel more socially connected. This is some of my favorite of Dacher Keltner, who you mentioned's work where he does these studies where he puts people in a really awe inspiring situation. He doesn't use the Christmas trees or the holidays. He brings people to these kind of places like Yellowstone and where you can kind of experience this sort of awe in nature. And he says, hey, look at this little map of you and your community and show me how much overlap there is. Is there a lot of overlap or less overlap? And what he finds is that people self report experiencing a lot of overlap with their community, which is kind of striking because they're not again, they're not in front of a Christmas tree with their family. They're looking out at this vast landscape with nobody in it yet. They're feeling really socially connected. And I think that's what awe does in the holiday season too. One that Dachard talks about a lot is awe that we get from moral action. I think the holiday season is one of the only times of the noon cycle where we can see people doing really wonderful good things in the world. It's also a moment where we get awe from collective effervescence. You know, why does the music at a church resonate with you if you don't believe any of that stuff? It's because we're all kind of singing it together. When you're in the middle of a hallelujah chorus, you know, you could be the biggest atheist in the world, but something's pumping through your brain that's making you feel really socially connected.
- [35:06]
Unknown Speaker
The holidays are supposed to be a time for rest and renewal, too, right? If we're going to be happy, we need that downtime, that time to disconnect. And so whether it's prayer or simple contemplation, these holidays build those moments in. And it's interesting because. Because it's often around the idea of candles and candle flames, right? Which is an ancient technique for focusing the mind. So Christians focus on candles that they light in the Advent wreath. Many Jewish folks often focus on the candles in the menorah. There's even some Jewish traditions that emphasize focusing on the candles of the menorah as a way to meditate. And even in the old celebration of pagan Yule, around the solstice, there was this idea of the Yule log. And I don't know if you had this, because I grew up in New York, York, there's something called the Yule Log. TV show.
- [35:57]
This Christmas Eve, when all the wonderful old traditions of this special night are so much in our hearts, WPIX Television&102WPIX.
- [36:06]
Channel 11 in New York on Christmas Eve would all night show a picture of a log in a fireplace.
- [36:11]
Oliver Berkman
I love this.
- [36:12]
Unknown Speaker
And for those of us who didn't have fireplaces at our home, we would sit there and we would look at it and it was soothing, and it would lead to contemplation.
- [36:18]
Preempted all regular programming and commercials to bring you the warmth, good cheer, and friendliness of a unilogue fire accompanied by the most beautiful and familiar Christmas carols.
- [36:30]
Oliver Berkman
I'm laughing at you. But actually, when we. When I first moved into the house that my husband and I live in in New Haven, we bought the house because it had this nice fireplace. But it turns out we didn't look into the fireplace. And it turns out it's bricked off at the top. It's just like a fake fireplace. And so I actually bought like a little DVD of flaming fireplace.
- [36:45]
Laurie Santos
The Eula.
- [36:46]
Oliver Berkman
I didn't know this was like an old school thing. I thought it was DVD technology, but no. But the reason we like looking at it is that you get back from that trafficky moment of shopping and so on, and you look at the flame and your breath kind of entrains to it. And working on the breath is a really powerful way to hack the relaxation system that we experience a lot of the holiday season activates what's called our fight or flight, our sympathetic nervous system, which is we're kind of on high alert, we're incredibly vigilant, our heart's beating faster. What we really want to do is to activate the kind of sister system to our fight or flight, which is what's called the rest or digest or the parasympathetic nervous system. And when you look at a flame and you're just kind of watching it over time, your breath kind of entrains to the slow movement of the flame. So I think the fire is a really great way to do that and maybe one of the best ways to do it in the holiday season. Plus, it's light in your intro, you talked about this time that's dark, and our serotonin's going down. And so something that gives us light in a way that also entrains our breath and gets us kind of a little bit meditative. It's a super great practice, especially for secular folks.
- [37:54]
Unknown Speaker
And, you know, speaking of secular folks, it's true that a lot of people celebrate holidays like Christmas, even if they aren't very religious. It's more about Santa than the birth of Jesus. Right. But there's probably still ways they can practice elements of the holidays to find that joy, connection, and all the other good things we're talking about. But that makes me wonder, is there a way that we can create our own rituals and traditions, ones that don't have anything to do with the existing holidays, but still allow us to celebrate them in a way that feels meaningful?
- [38:29]
Oliver Berkman
This is the time when you can kind of create these traditions, and you'll be surprised at how many of them kind of stick. My mom has one. She was very close to her godmother, who has now passed a long time ago. And her godmother really enjoyed lobster. It was her favorite thing. And so my mom, kind of in honor of my godmother for the holidays, will purchase a live lobster. My mom doesn't eat shellfish, though, so she doesn't like to eat the lobster. What she does is she takes this live lobster to the beach and she sort of releases the lobster to the beach. And the idea is it's just, you know, it's a way of kind of thinking about her godmother and sort of giving back. It's very funny. If you watch the ritual, it's really fun for the lobsters. Cause the lobsters kind of get the little lobster claw thing he's taken off and they're on the beach and they're like, a little confused, but they're like, great. And they just dive into the ocean. One of the things I think we forget about rituals is that, like, you know, my mom's case, she's buying a Slopster, but, like, they don't have to cost any money. They don't have to make sense. Right. They can be kind of dumb, like even sometimes absurd. And at least for, you know, a more atheist, secular person like me, the kind of absurdity is sort of fun in rituals. But these are the things we can embrace. And I think, especially if you feel frustrated by holiday traditions, you know, maybe your grieving the old holiday tradition, you're looking for something. This is a spot where building new stuff can feel really good. This is something we've done in my own family. I have a family where there's divorce and there's lots of families vying for our attention in the Christmas season. There's somebody who's gonna get you on Christmas morning. But it's really hard to be in all the places on Christmas morning. And so our family has developed a new tradition of celebrating around the solstice, which is not as busy a time. Flights are a little bit cheaper, so everybody can get together. And it's like we just developed all these different dumb rituals at the solstice. And we go, solstice, cake, watch some Carl Sagan and these kinds of things. And so it's like you just make stuff up, but really it winds up feeling a lot better.
- [40:27]
Unknown Speaker
No, but it's bringing you together. You're having those experiences of gratitude and sharing that's amazing.
- [40:32]
Oliver Berkman
Like, turn these things into rituals as though they were sort of blessed by some religious authority. And you have to do them every year. And those kinds of rituals will wind up making you feel a lot better.
- [40:43]
Unknown Speaker
The doing is the point, listeners. Right now, as Lori and I are going to be leaving, it is cold and dark in Boston. And I will say that I can attest to this because my holiday season is already feeling better. Because I have social connection with my good friend Lori, who I haven't seen in a while. I'm incredibly grateful that she's so busy that she made time to come on this. And so thank you.
- [41:11]
Oliver Berkman
Thanks, Dave.
- [41:12]
Unknown Speaker
And happy holidays.
- [41:13]
Oliver Berkman
Happy holidays.
- [41:18]
Unknown Speaker
That's it for Season seven of How God Works. If you enjoyed today's episode, please leave us some comments or stars wherever you listen. We'll be back in the spring with new episodes that explore more of life's big questions and what advice science and spirituality has to offer in the meantime. This time we'll be sharing some special surprises as well as some of our favorite episodes from the archives. For now, all of us here are wishing you and yours a truly happy holiday season and all the best for the coming year. How God Works is hosted by me, Dave Disteno. This episode was written by Josie Holtzman and me. Our senior producer is Josie Holtzman. Our producer is Sophie Eisenberg. Our Associate producer is Emmanuel Desarme. Executive Producer is Genevieve Sponsler. Merritt Jacob is our mix engineer and composed our theme, which was arranged by Chloe Disteno. The Executive Producer of PRX Productions is Jocelyn Gonzalez. This podcast was also made possible with support from the John Templeton Foundation. To learn more about the show and access episode transcript, you can find our website at howgodworksall1word.org and for news and peeks at what's coming, feel free to follow us on Instagram at howgodworkspod or me on X or bluesky Avidisteno.
- [42:52]
Oliver Berkman
The.
- [42:52]
Laurie Santos
Holiday season is back, which means it's.
- [42:54]
Dave Disteno
A time for giving.
- [42:56]
Laurie Santos
Subaru and its retailers believe in giving back to those who need it most. For the past 17 years, Subaru has made the act of buying a Subaru during the holiday season an act of love. When you purchase or lease a new Subaru during the Subaru Share the Love event, Subaru and its retailers donate a minimum of $300 to charity.
- [43:15]
Dave Disteno
By the end of this year's event.
- [43:16]
Laurie Santos
Subaru and its retailers will have donated nearly $320 million to national and hometown charity.
- [43:23]
Dave Disteno
To learn More, go to subaru.com/subaru More than a Car company There are lots.
- [43:30]
Laurie Santos
Of things you can learn from the garden. When it comes to cleaning, it's more fun if it smells like the garden. Mrs. Meyer's clean day has always been inspired by the goodness of the garden. Mrs. Meyers has a collection of household products inspired by flowers and herbs that smell delightful, all while packing a punch against dirt and grime. Mrs. Meyers Garden inspired scents are made with essential oils and other thoughtfully chosen ingredients. Visit Mrs. Meyers.com here's to the season.
- [43:58]
Unknown Speaker
From hanging ornaments in matching pajamas to building gingerbread houses with extra icing and staying up late to wrap gifts and watch movies These traditions make the holidays truly special. And through it all, the Chinet brand is there to share in the joy. With the Chinat Crystal Collection, holiday tables are perfectly coordinated, allowing for elegance with less cleanup so everyone can focus on what really matters. Here's to the traditions that bring us.
- [44:24]
Oliver Berkman
Together year after year.
- [44:26]
Laurie Santos
Here's to us, all of us.
- [44:28]
Unknown Speaker
Find a local retailer@mychinette.com.