The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

Episode: How to Feel Truly Loved (with Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis)

Release Date: February 9, 2026
Host: Dr. Laurie Santos (A)
Guests: Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky (B) and Dr. Harry Reis (C)

Overview

This episode dives into the science of feeling loved, debunking cultural myths about romance and uncovering the psychological mindsets that foster genuinely deep and satisfying connections. Dr. Laurie Santos welcomes psychologists Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Dr. Harry Reis to discuss their new book and to share five practical, evidence-based mindsets that boost our feelings of being loved—not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships, family, and all human connections.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Don’t We Feel as Loved as We Want?

[01:00 – 02:07]

• Alarmingly High “Love Deficit”:
  • "About 70%... don't feel as loved as they want." – Sonja Lyubomirsky [01:00]
• The desire for love is most acute regarding romantic partners.
• Despite being loved objectively, we often don't feel loved enough.

2. What Is Love, Really?

[04:37 – 05:25]

• Multiplicity of Love:
  • Love ranges from affection for ice cream to partners and family, making it one of the most ambiguous English words.
  • The show focuses on love as "a deep, embodied experience" where lives are closely interwoven. – Harry Reis [04:37]
• Distinction between loving others and feeling loved by others.

3. The Happiness Connection: Why Feeling Loved Is Crucial

[05:25 – 09:35]

• Feeling Loved is Central to Happiness:
  • Sonja Lyubomirsky highlights that perceived love substantially outweighs objective love in determining happiness.
• Not Feeling Loved = Loneliness = Societal Problems:
  • Dr. Reis: "The absence of meaningful connections... predicted premature mortality from cancer." [08:30]
  • Sonja adds: “The harm of that in terms of physical health problems is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.” [08:49]
  • Even vulnerability to common illness (e.g., colds) is increased by social isolation.

4. Common Misconceptions About Why We Don’t Feel Loved

[10:50 – 12:01]

• We tend to personalize a lack of love: “If I don’t feel loved, I must be unlovable.”
• The Real Fix: Change the conversation, not yourself or the other person.
  • Building feelings of being loved comes from making others feel loved.

5. The Five Mindsets for Feeling Truly Loved

1. Sharing

[17:31 – 19:08]

• Authentic sharing (not oversharing!) is critical. Presenting a curated version of yourself undermines genuine connection.
• Paradox of Vulnerability:
  • “We think if we reveal something negative or vulnerable… we’d be liked less. It turns out… we tend to be liked more.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [19:08]
• Illusion of Transparency:
  • “Other people can't know what’s in your head.” – Harry Reis [20:05]

Practical Tips:

• Start with small admissions. Move deeper as trust builds.
• Maintain rituals of sharing in close relationships: ask and answer "How was your day?" and go beyond surface responses.

2. Listening to Learn

[23:13 – 27:08]

• Most people assume they’re good listeners, but very few feel listened to.
• Listening usually means waiting for your turn to speak. Instead, listen as if you’re going to be tested on what the other person says:
  • “Try to listen like you’re going to be quizzed on it.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [24:05]
• Ask questions that show you’re engaged at a deeper level.

Benefits of Listening:

• “Leads people to feel more trust in you... in couples, conflict goes much better.” – Harry Reis [25:19]
• The act of listening itself boosts the listener’s connection and happiness.

3. Radical Curiosity

[27:53 – 31:56]

• Active, Person-Focused Curiosity:
  • Don’t just be curious about topics; be curious about the person.
  • “To be curious is to be genuinely interested in the person.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [28:08]
• Genuine curiosity increases autonomy, well-being, and positive emotions.
• Curiosity fuels “self-expansion” in relationships:
  • “You become interested in another person by being interested in what interests them.” – Harry Reis [31:56]

4. Open Heartedness

[35:06 – 38:34]

• Defined by being genuinely caring, generous, and giving others the benefit of the doubt.
• Benign interpretations of others’ actions foster trust and keep relationships communal.
• "If you want to be happy, try to make other people happy." – Sonja Lyubomirsky [36:32]
• Acts of kindness for others dramatically improve happiness and even gene expression linked to immune health.
• Kindness increases both popularity (in children) and long-term emotional wellbeing.

5. Multiplicity (Accepting All Sides)

[38:34 – 44:16]

• Multiplicity is recognizing that everyone—including ourselves—has many selves: both good and flawed.
  • “If you focus on bad things that you’ve done and feel like those things... rule out anyone ever expressing love towards you, you make it impossible to feel loved.” – Harry Reis [39:58]
• Acceptance of others’ shortcomings while maintaining compassion makes love possible.
• Apply same attitude toward yourself (“self-love” and “self-compassion”) to allow external love in.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “About 70%... don't feel as loved as they want.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [01:00]
• “The harm of [loneliness] in terms of physical health... is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [08:49]
• “We think if we reveal something negative or vulnerable… we’d be liked less. It turns out… we tend to be liked more.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [19:08]
• “Try to listen like you’re going to be quizzed on it.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [24:05]
• “You become interested in another person by being interested in what interests them.” – Harry Reis [31:56]
• “If you want to be happy, try to make other people happy.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [36:32]
• “You don't have to change yourself, you don't have to change the other person, you just have to change the conversation.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [46:01]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro and societal myths about love: [00:06 – 01:00]
• Why do we feel unloved? [01:00 – 02:07]
• Defining the experience of love: [04:37 – 05:25]
• Feeling loved vs. being loved objectively: [05:25 – 07:46]
• Health and psychological impacts of lacking love: [07:46 – 10:50]
• Misconceptions about becoming lovable: [10:50 – 12:01]
• Paradox of vulnerability and openness: [17:31 – 19:08]
• Illusion of transparency: [20:05 – 20:46]
• Listening to learn: [23:13 – 27:08]
• Radical curiosity: [27:53 – 31:56]
• Open heartedness and kindness: [35:06 – 38:34]
• Multiplicity and self-compassion: [38:34 – 44:16]
• Applying the mindsets and final advice: [44:47 – 46:41]

Final Takeaways & Practical Advice

• Cultivating the five mindsets—sharing, listening to learn, radical curiosity, open-heartedness, and multiplicity—can make anyone feel more loved, regardless of their starting point.
• The process starts by giving love first; when applied consistently, most relationships reciprocate. If not, it’s sometimes appropriate to reevaluate the relationship.
  • “You go first... If it doesn’t work, maybe that’s a time to pause or walk away.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [44:47]
• It’s not about perfection; compassion for others and self (even about failing to use the mindsets) helps keep the cycle going.
• Most empowering message: “You just have to change the conversation. So it is absolutely in your control.” – Sonja Lyubomirsky [46:01]

Suggested Exercises from the Episode

• Start a conversation by honestly answering “How are you?” with something real.
• On your next call or meeting with a loved one, try listening as if you must repeat back everything they say.
• In moments of conflict, turn on curiosity: “I wonder why they feel this way?”
• Do a random act of kindness specifically for someone else and note how it feels after a week.
• Embrace your own and others’ flaws; practice responding to mistakes with compassion and benign interpretations.

For More

Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis's new book: How to Feel: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most (available now).

Website: drlauriesantos.com
Feedback & questions: happinesslabushkin FM

This episode sets the stage for a three-part series on the science of love. Tune in next week for research-backed advice on finding a soulmate.