The Surprising Case for Oversharing

Summary

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The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

Episode: The Surprising Case for Oversharing

Date: June 8, 2026

Host: Dr. Laurie Santos | Guests: Leslie John (Harvard Business School), Nick Epley (University of Chicago Booth School of Business)

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Overview

This episode kicks off a summer season of “Happiness Hot Takes” with Dr. Laurie Santos challenging widely held beliefs about what really makes us happy, using science-backed insights. The focus here is the oft-maligned practice of oversharing—sharing what many might consider “too much information” (TMI). Dr. Santos, with behavioral scientist Leslie John and social psychologist Nick Epley, explores why our obsession with avoiding TMI is misplaced, and how sharing more about ourselves (even what feels like "too much") is essential for genuine connection, trust, and well-being. The science, they argue, reveals the surprising benefits and corrects our mistaken intuitions about what it means to be open.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Setting the Stage: Why TMI Has a Bad Reputation

• Societal Attitudes: “Oversharing” is often viewed negatively, associated with words like "cringeworthy" or "social ignorance." (06:35)
• Origins: The term oversharing gained attention in 2008 as social media boomed, initially defined as “divulging inappropriate amounts of personal information.” (06:35)
• Popular Advice: The typical advice is to avoid TMI, but Dr. Santos claims, “all this advice is wrong.” (05:36)

2. The Case for Oversharing

• Real-Life vs. Social Media: While digital contexts (Aunt Judy’s rants or influencer confessions) make us wary of oversharing, the science disagrees for real-world, face-to-face interactions. (06:08)
• Personal Anecdotes: Leslie John describes herself as a “proud card carrying oversharer,” and tells humorous and vulnerable stories about her own experiences with social disclosure—such as the time she blurted out “clearly” in a job interview or confessed to peeing onstage. Both worked in her favor.

“I told my most embarrassing story ever, which entailed me peeing on stage... and now I’m telling it to you again, and I don’t regret it.”
— Leslie John (07:47)

• Research Backing: Even in formal settings, showing your authentic self may enhance your chances of being liked or hired. Leslie reflects, “when among those who are qualified for the job, if you show a little bit of yourself... it actually can enhance your likelihood of getting the job.” (09:40)

3. Disclosure Dilemmas: TMI vs. TLI

• The Disclosure Dilemma: The struggle of “to share or not to share” personal information is common in relationships, work, and daily life. (11:01)
• The Problem with TLI (Too Little Information): Leslie argues we’re so afraid of TMI that we ignore the harm of TLI. She popularizes "TLI" as a crucial concept (12:03) and insists,

“The risks of undersharing of TLI are so much worse than those of oversharing.”
— Leslie John (12:34)

• Concrete Consequences: TLI can erode friendships, stall workplace support, and in medical settings, it can even be deadly (e.g., 80% of patients withhold critical info from doctors, leading to health risks). (12:40)

“80% of patients [withhold] some medically critical piece of information to their physicians.”
— Dr. Laurie Santos (12:40)

• Omission Bias: We overestimate the risks of revealing and ignore the hidden risks (and lost benefits) of staying silent, called omission bias. (13:46)

4. Empirical Insights: We Prefer the Revealer

• Studies: People prefer someone who admits to negative truths (e.g., having many STDs) over someone who refuses to answer. We assume disclosure looks bad, but actually, not sharing is worse. (15:05)
• Erroneous Intuitions: Potential revealers think silence protects them, but the opposite is usually true—even with negative disclosures. (15:53)

5. The Unexpected Benefits of Oversharing

• Emotional Clarity: Verbalizing issues helps us make sense of our feelings—a process called "affect labeling." Knowing and naming our emotions helps us manage them.

“When you do this, it’s like becoming the CEO of your feelings. Because you’re in control, you can name them, and when you can name them, that’s deeply comforting.”
— Leslie John (23:59)

• Pleasure and Connection: Sharing activates brain reward centers (like winning money or eating something delicious), making us feel good and more connected. (24:08)
• Building Trust: Personal disclosures signal trust and vulnerability, prompting reciprocal trust and deepening relationships. (24:52)
• Missed Everyday Opportunities: We constantly skip little chances to share what’s truly going on, missing out on connection and support.

“Oftentimes, what feels like over communicating is just communicating. What feels like oversharing is just sharing.”
— Leslie John (26:27)

6. Why We Hold Back: The Cringe and the Avoidance Voice

• Mistaken Focus: We obsess over how our disclosures sound (competence), not realizing others care more about warmth and authenticity. (28:53)
• Learning Environments:
  • Kind: You try and learn from outcomes.
  • Unkind: You avoid, never learn your assumptions were wrong, and keep missing out. (31:14)

“In social life, we’re often in an unkind learning environment where our beliefs do dictate the feedback we get.”
— Nick Epley (31:14)

• Practice Can Quiet the Cringe: The uncomfortable avoidance voice screams loudest right before we share, but gets quieter with practice and experience. (32:22)

7. Personal Example: Even the Experts Feel the Cringe

• Nick Epley’s Story: Despite his expertise, Nick felt intense embarrassment giving his wife an anniversary gift—a personal song—with the “cringe voice” screaming in his head, but it ended with love and emotional connection.

“She loved it because it signified warmth… She didn’t expect me to be a great singer.”
— Nick Epley (35:23)

8. Navigating High-Stakes vs. Everyday Oversharing (Disclosure Flexibility)

• Flexibility is Key: People who skillfully shift between openness and privacy—“disclosure flexibility”—navigate disclosure dilemmas best. (41:02)
• Long-term Relationships: Overconfidence in how well we know someone leads to less sharing, which can erode intimacy. (41:32)
• Friendship and Success Sharing: We often hide our successes to protect friends from jealousy, but this backfires and can damage trust.

“If you don’t tell them about the promotion, they’ll probably find out anyway from a third party. And that’s really bad for your relationship.”
— Leslie John (42:21)

• How to Share Good News: Be authentic, no humblebrags; acknowledge your friend’s support (43:09).
• Workplace Contexts:
  • Peers and Direct Reports: Err on the side of openness—even for managers, vulnerability breeds trust and open communication.
  • When You’re Low Status: Transparency (explaining your thinking) is generally safe and valued; sharing deep vulnerability can be riskier, so exercise care. (44:43)
  • Example: Instead of “I don’t do well in meetings,” say, “I like having a few moments to think through my points.” (45:38)
  • Emotional Overshares at Work (e.g., crying): If it happens, explain the passion behind the emotion to maintain credibility (46:43).

9. Main Takeaways

• Silence is not neutral or safer—non-disclosure comes at a cost.
• Our “inner cringe voice” is often misleading; what feels like TMI is often just authentic human connection.
• Practice and evidence-based courage help us experience the benefits of sharing more.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |---------------|--------------------|-----------| | 07:47 | Leslie John | “I told my most embarrassing story ever, which entailed me peeing on stage... and now I’m telling it to you again, and I don’t regret it.”| | 12:34 | Leslie John | “The risks of undersharing of TLI are so much worse than those of oversharing.”| | 13:46 | Leslie John | “You need to do a full four quadrant reckoning to really make a good decision. And yet when we are left to our own devices, we just focus on the one thing.”| | 15:34 | Dr. Laurie Santos | “Even with bad news, we prefer it when people just tell it to us straight, when they give us TMI rather than tli.”| | 23:59 | Leslie John | “When you do this, it’s like becoming the CEO of your feelings. Because you’re in control, you can name them, and when you can name them, that’s deeply comforting.”| | 24:52 | Leslie John | “The way sharing increases connection fundamentally is that it increases trust. When you reveal something sensitive, that causes the other person to trust you.”| | 26:27 | Leslie John | “What feels like over communicating is just communicating. What feels like oversharing is just sharing.”| | 31:14 | Nick Epley | “In social life, we’re often in an unkind learning environment where our beliefs do dictate the feedback we get.”| | 35:23 | Nick Epley | “She loved it because it signified warmth. It wasn’t competent... it was signifying warmth.”| | 42:21 | Leslie John | “If you don’t tell them about the promotion, they’ll probably find out anyways from a third party. And that’s really bad for your relationship.”| | 43:09 | Leslie John | “I worked really, really hard for this promotion and I feel really proud of it. And I’m so grateful that you were cheering me along the whole way.”| | 48:20 | Leslie John | “We think that silence is the safe thing, that it’s neutral, but it’s not.”|

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:38 – Dr. Laurie Santos introduces the “Happiness Hot Take” season and today's focus on oversharing.
• 06:00 – Leslie John introduced; defines and contextualizes oversharing.
• 07:47 – Leslie’s personal oversharing stories.
• 10:55 – The “disclosure dilemma”—to share or not to share.
• 12:03 – TLI: The overlooked danger of undersharing.
• 15:05 – Studies on preference for honest revealers over secret-keepers, even with negative disclosures.
• 23:12 – The cognitive and emotional benefits of talking about your feelings.
• 24:52 – The trust-building effect of sharing vulnerabilities.
• 27:07 – Why we fail to share in everyday life; missed opportunities for connection.
• 28:13 – Nick Epley on why we’re scared to get vulnerable.
• 31:14 – The “unkind learning environment”—how we get stuck in our beliefs about social risks.
• 35:23 – Nick Epley’s personal anecdote of his “cringe voice” moment.
• 41:02 – Disclosure flexibility: how to balance openness and guardedness.
• 42:21 – Hiding success from friends, and why it often backfires.
• 44:43 – How to handle workplace disclosures depending on status and context.
• 46:43 – Navigating emotional expression at work (e.g., crying).
• 48:20 – Leslie’s personal reflections on embracing TMI and the myth of neutral silence.

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Key Takeaways

• Oversharing is generally beneficial in real-life relationships—boosting trust, emotional clarity, and happiness.
• The risks of not sharing (TLI) are greater than popularly believed.
• Your discomfort and inner “cringe” voice are unreliable guides; science suggests people will connect better with you if you’re a little more open.
• Disclosure flexibility—the ability to judge how, what, and when to share—is a valuable skill, but in most contexts, erring on the side of openness yields better personal and relational outcomes.
• Silence isn’t neutral; it shapes relationships, often for the worse.

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Final Thought

Next time you’re faced with a “disclosure dilemma,” remember: What feels like “too much information” may just be the bridge to deeper connection, trust, and happiness. Your cringe voice is lying to you—open up a little more.

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For further reading and practical tips, Leslie John’s book “The Underrated Power of Oversharing” is recommended.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human Small businesses are the pulse of every community. They bring people together, create opportunities and drive growth. Chase for Business helps business owners like you with personalized guidance and convenient digital tools all in one place. With that guidance and your determination, you can take your business farther and help build a brighter future for your community. Learn more@chase thanks.com business chase for business make more of what's yours the Chase Mobile app is available for select mobile devices. Message and data rates may apply JPMorgan Chase Bank NA Member FDIC Copyright 2026 JPMorgan Chase Co. Running a business shouldn't

[Jacob Goldstein]

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[Nick Epley]

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[Jacob Goldstein]

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[Leslie John]

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[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Pushkin. As someone who's trained in what the science really shows about feeling happier, I often find myself in the following unfortunate position I hear some well intentioned piece of happiness advice that's being shared on social media or by some self help guru and I find myself thinking, wow, that piece of advice is just totally friggin wrong and Honestly, the expletives I use in my head are usually worse than frigate. I'm censoring here because, you know, Family Podcast Now, I like to think of myself as a nice person. So when I hear people getting the facts about the science of happiness wrong, I try not to go into super harsh takedown mode. Even when dealing with some self proclaimed expert, someone who honestly is supposed to know better, I tend to use a kinder, gentler approach. I'll drop a comment like, well, maybe there's another way we can think about this. Or actually, it turns out that there's a study that contradicts what you're suggesting. But lately I've been starting to worry that this kinder, gentler approach isn't working. Lately it feels like there's just way too much happiness misinformation out there. Bad advice that's not getting corrected and that could be hurting people. And that's why I'm so excited about this new season of the Happiness Lab. Over the next few episodes, your intrepid host will drop her usual kinder, gentler approach and will begin just straight up calling out bad happiness advice. And while I promise to withhold the profanities that I'm using inside my head, as I said, family podcast, I do need to warn you, the takedowns you're about to hear over the next few episodes are going to be fire. I'm really hoping my producers can throw in some sort of flaming sounds there. So yes, just in time for summer, the Happiness Lab brings you a whole season of Laurie's Happiness Hot Takes. There we go. Nice. Okay, so are you ready for Happiness Hot take number one? Well, it involves a tendency we hear about a lot these oversharing. Depending on how old you are, you may refer to this tendency as spilling your guts, airing your dirty laundry, trauma dumping, letting it all hang out, putting it on blast, or with just three simple tmi. Too much information. The advice we usually hear about TMI is simply not to do it. That it's cringeworthy, that it demonstrates social ignorance, that when it comes to overly personal information, save it for your therapist because less is usually more. But the first hot take of our new season is that all this advice is wrong. Because as we'll see in this episode, the science shows that healthy social connection requires more TMI than our lying minds think. We'll also learn that revealing a bit more than is necessary has lots of benefits that we don't expect. And so here is Happiness Hot take number one. Oversharing is a good thing, and we should be doing it far more often. Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us, leading us away from what will really make us happy? The good news is that understanding the science of the mind can point us all back in the right direction. You're listening to the Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos.

[Leslie John]

When we think of oversharing, we cringe a little bit, right?

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

This is behavioral scientist and Harvard Business School professor Leslie John.

[Leslie John]

Where my mind immediately goes is social media someone who's blabbing about all of their personal struggles unfiltered or, you know, we've seen so many examples of these. Someone's venting about their boss and then they get fired based on what they posted. I think we think a lot about the digital context. There's all kinds of these horror stories of people who have said things that they really shouldn't have said and suffered really negative consequences for it. We have a really negative connotation about it because of that.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Even the term oversharing sounds pejorative. It's lumped in with words like overeating, overthinking, overreacting, as opposed to more positive words like overabundance or overjoyed. In fact, when Webster's Dictionary chose oversharing as their new word of the year when social media was on the rise back in 2008, they defined it as the act of divulging inappropriate amounts of personal information. But let's forget about the social media version of oversharing for just a second. Your Aunt Judy's long diatribes on Facebook, or that influencer who broadcasts their dates on Instagram live. Because research shows that when it comes to real people in real life, oversharing is due for a rebrand. In fact, Leslie says that when it comes to revealing a bit more than is strictly necessary, she's a huge fan.

[Leslie John]

I am a proud card carrying oversharer again and again. I found that even those of us who tend to be revealee, we could benefit from sharing a little more a lot of the time.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Leslie has long had a knack for sharing what's on her mind, even when doing so might not be the most strategic option. Take for example, what she was willing to share with a group of complete strangers at an academic conference back when she was a junior professor.

[Leslie John]

I'm sitting there with mostly senior scholars and someone had the great idea of saying, let's go around the circle and share our most embarrassing story. And so like, the other junior people were like, oh, there was a typo in my abstract, you know, these humble brags. But I went for it, and I told my actually most embarrassing story ever, which entailed me peeing on stage. In college, I was in a play, and I was laughing so hard in my scene that I start peeing on stage. So that is my most embarrassing story. And now I'm telling it to you again, and I don't regret it or

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

take another tendency of oversharers, what Leslie refers to as the unfiltered blurt. She unleashed one of these blurts during the job interview for her current position at Harvard. At the time, Leslie was being questioned by a group of intimidating senior faculty members.

[Leslie John]

A and I was super nervous. And when I'm nervous, especially, I kind of say stupid things. And one of the faculty members, he looked at my resume. He could sense that I was uncomfortable, and so he was trying valiantly to make me feel comfortable.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

The interviewer noticed in Leslie's resume that she had trained as a ballet dancer. So he decided to ask her about that, using a joke to break the tension.

[Leslie John]

And he said, oh, you know, I was a ballet dancer too.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But a quick glimpse at this faculty member's larger than average midsection made the punchline obvious. The other faculty interviewers gave a knowing smile. But Leslie, ever the card carrying oversharer, decided to take the joke one unfortunate step further.

[Leslie John]

And in that moment, I just sat still, looked him up and down, cocked my head, and said, clearly, one word. I was like, one word. Poof. That's it. My dream job gone.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But was her dream job gone? Leslie's unfiltered blurt was awkward, but it did kind of demonstrate her confidence.

[Leslie John]

And there's even research on this phenomenon. I didn't know it at the time, but there's research showing that when among those who are qualified for the job, if you show a little bit of yourself in an interview, which for me was a little bit of my sassy side, it actually can enhance your likelihood of getting the job.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And in this particular case, that's exactly what happened. Leslie would later learn that she wound up getting her current Harvard position, not in spite of that unfiltered blur, but because of it.

[Leslie John]

They said to me, you know, when you sassed him like that, we thought, you'll fit right in here. And he became a super close mentor of mine. He just retired, and he would love to regale new job candidates about the story. He's. It was like our origin story. He's like, When Leslie did that, she just.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

It turns out that there's lots of research behind examples like these, which is why Leslie has become such an advocate of putting it all out there. She's even written an entire book championing the practice. It's called the Underrated Power of Oversharing. Leslie opens her book by highlighting a communicative predicament that we often find ourselves in, whether that's at work or in our friendships or while chatting with our romantic partners. We wind up facing what social psychologists call a disclosure dilemma.

[Leslie John]

Disclosure dilemma is that really fraught feeling of to share or not to share.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Let's say you just got a big raise at work. Do you tell your friend the good news so she can help you celebrate? Or do you keep it to yourself so that your friend doesn't feel bad about her own finances? Or perhaps you've recently been diagnosed with adhd. Do you share that new diagnosis with your boss and coworkers so they can help you get the accommodations you need? Or do you keep things private to avoid judgment about your disability? Or imagine you and your partner are having a heart to heart about your relationship? Do you share that you've been feeling bored on your date nights? Or do you withhold that information to protect your spouse's feelings? In these and other disclosure dilemmas, there are two possible ways you could get things. You could wind up sharing too much information, or you could wind up sharing too little. In theory, we should be worried about both of these possible errors. But Leslie finds we tend to think only about the former mistake.

[Leslie John]

We're so preoccupied with TMI that is real and valid, but we don't even have a word until now to describe the other end.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

The word Leslie's referring to is an acronym that she's been trying to popularize.

[Leslie John]

TLI Too little information.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Leslie's research has found that TLI can be more harmful than we realize. As she eloquently put it in her book, the things you don't say can quietly reshape your life. Like when your co workers can't help you with your newly diagnosed disability because you never told them you were struggling. Or when a friendship starts to fade because you never disclosed what was really going on in your life. Or when your marriage accumulates more and more tiny resentments over time because your partner keeps failing to bring up the small things that bug them.

[Leslie John]

Oh my gosh, the risks of undersharing of TLI are so much worse than those of oversharing.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

There's even one kind of TLI that studies show can be deadly. Failing to disclose embarrassing information to your doctor. What's the percentage of patients who self report not revealing some medically critical piece of information to their physicians? It's 80% of patients. 80%. I was so shocked when I first read that finding that I mentioned it to a doctor friend of mine. He told me that in just the past week he'd had a case of a patient who failed to mention drinking alcohol the night before a big surgery and wound up having a heart attack on the operating table. Yikes. But these TLI findings raise an important why do we so often fail to reveal stuff to other people, especially when doing so could benefit us? Leslie thinks this tendency stems from a cognitive error known as the omission bias. Our brains tend to notice actions, the things we say or do, but not acts of omission, the things we fail to say or fail to do. The omission bias means we tend not to notice the consequences of not revealing something. And that means we calculate the pros and cons of disclosure dilemmas all wrong.

[Leslie John]

Suppose you have ADHD and you're wondering whether you should talk to your boss to potentially get accommodations, right? There's risk and there's reward. And what people fixate on are the risks of revealing. So they'll say, I'll be discriminated against. It will be a really difficult conversation. And those are super valid, the risks of revealing. But the problem is that they stop at that. You have to look at both sides. You have to look at the risks of revealing and the benefits of revealing. You also have to look at the risks of holding back and the benefits of holding back. You need to do a full four quadrant reckoning to really make a good decision. And yet when we are left to our own devices, we just focus on the one thing.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Leslie has found that the omission bias is especially common when people are deciding whether to share something negative. In one of my favorite of her experiments, she had her participants play a dating game. Subjects were asked to interview two hypothetical suitors and to decide which of the two people they'd rather date. Let's pretend that you're a subject in this study. You meet your two suitors. They both seem fine, but then you begin asking them some very personal questions. Eventually, you get to a tough one. You nervously look towards suitor number one and ask, have you ever had an std?

[Leslie John]

And they say, you know, I've had so many I can't even count. They've had a lot. Of all the STDs, the other person. You ask them the same question. They say, I'm not answering that question. They refuse to answer. And so who would you rather date? The revealer that reveals very unsavory things or the hider who refuses? And again and again we found that people would rather date the person who is the revealer, even if it's really negative things.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Even with bad news, we prefer it when people just tell it to us straight, when they give us TMI rather than tli. The problem Leslie finds in her work is that we don't seem to realize this when we're on the other side of that disclosure dilemma, when we're in the position of the potential revealer rather than the revealee.

[Leslie John]

So we say, imagine you failed some courses in college and your new employer is asking you whether you've ever failed any courses. Would you opt out of answering or would you come clean? And they say, I would opt out of answering for sure. But that is the wrong choice, right? So our intuitions are often wrong.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But our intuitions aren't just wrong when it comes to the costs of tli. We also fail to see the benefits that can come from revealing more information than is strictly necessary. When we return from the break, we'll learn more about all the unexpected benefits of a little tmi. The Happiness Lab will be back in a moment. As the weather changes, I've been thinking more and more about my wardrobe, and these days I've been trying to get more intentional about what's in my closet. I want getting dressed to feel simpler, so I've been leaning into pieces that feel effortless and comfortable but still look put together. This spring, I've been obsessed with Quince's 100% organic cotton poplin tiered maxi dress. It's got a fit that feels sleek, but it's still super comfortable. And I couldn't believe how great the price was. Quint's makes it easy to refresh your everyday wardrobe this spring with pieces that feel as good as they look. Quince uses premium materials like 100% European linen, organic cotton and ultra soft denim. Plus, Quince works directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen so you're paying for quality and craftsmanship, not brand markup. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to Quince.com Happiness for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Happiness for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com Happiness. Running a small business takes everything you've got, but with Chase for Business, you're not alone. They bring together local support and a broad range of resources to more than 7 million customers with a deep understanding of your day to day needs. They provide products and guidance built to help you thrive right now. Earn $500 when you open a new Chase Business Complete Checking Account for new Business Checking customers with qualifying Activities offer expires June 18, 2026. Chase business complete Checking has the flexible tools you need to accept payments, make deposits and manage your finances with confidence. Learn [e-mail] PodcastBizOffer Chase make more of what's yours Fees may apply to Chase Business Complete checking accounts. The $500 offer is available for new business checking accounts with qualifying activities through June 18, 2026. Eligibility and qualification requirements must be met. Additional restrictions may apply. Please speak with a business banker for more information. JPMorgan Chase Bank NA member FDIC service

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[Jacob Goldstein]

Goldstein from Business History. In our new series American Genius, we tell the stories of three great writers who changed the way business works in America. Our first episode is about Benjamin Franklin who among many other things was a best selling business writer.

[Nick Epley]

Take a listen.

[Jacob Goldstein]

He's writing this much later in his life, consciously creating this image of himself. And I do want to emphasize how unusual this model is at the time, this self made man myth. Because you don't want to be self made. It's low class to be self made. You know this idea that we have today is the opposite, right? And it comes from Franklin. Today there is the derisive term Nepo baiting.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Well, exactly right.

[Nick Epley]

And these days if you are a billionaire, you had better have a Benjamin Franklin story about starting in a garage, coming up with the idea from nothing.

[Jacob Goldstein]

And here is Benjamin Franklin inventing it right before our eyes. This has been brought to you by Odoo. To listen to more of our American Genius series, listen to Business History. New episodes release every Wednesday on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

It's November 2009 and a middle aged Australian woman is about to go viral back Then caregiver Bronnie Ware was working as a live in palliative care nurse, spending 12 hour shifts working closely with terminally ill patients. These long shifts meant that Bronnie had lots of time to chat with her dying clients, many of whom seemed to relish the chance to reflect openly about their lives. Often they admitted to her for the very first time. As patients got closer to the end, they didn't seem to carry the usual worries about oversharing. Ronnie was struck both by how vulnerable her patients were willing to get during these end of life conversations and by the similarities across their observations. She thought it'd be powerful to share her clients reflections publicly, so she put together a short blog post entitled Regrets of the Dying. That online essay exploded within months. It was shared millions and millions of times and quickly turned into a book called the Top five Regrets of the Dying. Bronnie's bestseller presented a list of five things that her dying patients wished they'd done differently to feel happier. And right smack in the middle of that list is a regret that oversharing aficionado Leslie John reflects on a lot.

[Leslie John]

Regret number three is I wish I had shared my feelings more and more. It's a disclosure regret, right? So it's like these people who are dying, that's what they regret. I mean that, that is such wisdom to me.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Leslie has devoted her career towards helping people to avoid this big regret by publicizing the many benefits of oversharing, particularly when it's done face to face with real people in real life. And Leslie says that the first benefit you get from this type of oversharing is a cognitive one. The act of talking to another person can help you make sense of your inner thoughts and feelings.

[Leslie John]

The process of taking this stuff that's swirling around in your brain and putting words on it helps you to cope because one, it helps you make sense of the things that are bothering you. But when you talk about what's on your mind, you naturally impose a story structure on it. We're natural storytellers and it doesn't have to be a happy ending, but there's some kind of structure. And that structure takes away the uncertainty of how you're feeling. And we all know that uncertainty is a huge cause of anxiety. And so it makes it more concrete, which really helps to alleviate stress. What I love about this too is you don't have to try, like you don't have to come up with a story. You don't have to make sense of this. You just have to literally put what's in your mind into words. The other thing, of course, is the actual affect labeling component.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Affect labeling is a fancy psychologist term for the act of choosing a specific word to describe your feelings. When we reveal during a disclosure dilemma, we wind up selecting specific words to explain our emotions. Let's say you finally decided to have that heart to heart with your partner about why your date nights have felt less exciting lately. As you dive into that conversation, you'll naturally get more specific about what exactly you've been experiencing on those date nights. Whether you've started to find them boring or irritating or disappointing or unpleasant. Or say that you're telling a friend about an awful moment at work. Talking openly about that incident can help you determine whether you felt disregarded or frustrated or ashamed or overwhelmed. And studies find that knowing the precise feeling you're going through can help you regulate that feeling more effectively.

[Leslie John]

When you do this, it's like becoming the CEO of your feelings. Because you're in control, you can name them, and when you can name them, that's deeply comforting.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

So that's the first benefit of oversharing. It helps you think more precisely about what you're feeling. Benefit number two of TMI is simple. It just feels good. In one experiment, participants were asked to disclose information about themselves while sitting inside an FMRI brain scanner. The researchers found that revealing personal information activated participants reward networks, the very same brain regions that would fire if you won a bunch of money, ate something delicious, or took cocaine.

[Leslie John]

So relative to people who did not get to talk about themselves, those who got to answer questions about themselves literally found it more pleasurable.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And Leslie says there's an evolutionary logic to why revealing feels so good. We experience acts of TMI positively because they connect us with other people.

[Leslie John]

The way sharing increases connection fundamentally is that it increases trust. When you reveal something sensitive, that causes the other person to trust you. Why? Because that's a social risk. If I tell you something sensitive about myself and I am relinquishing control to the universe and implicitly saying, I trust you because I'm doing it, I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't trust you. Right. And that in and of itself causes you to trust me back.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But Leslie has found that we often miss opportunities for building that happiness, boosting trust. She finds that we simply don't notice the little moments in which we could disclose something about ourselves to another person.

[Leslie John]

So let's take a banal day in the life of me. I wake up in the morning, I roll over on bed, I say, good morning, Collie, my hubby. What I don't say is, I slept like crap. When I don't sleep well, I can't regulate my emotions. I don't say any of that. We get to the bathroom. We're brushing our teeth. What I think to myself is, you know, I feel older than I thought I would at this age. I think these things. I don't say them. We go down to the kitchen. The kids are frolicking. My husband starts packing their lunch. He's like, what do you think they want for snack? I say, I don't know. Another decision. Stop it. That's sad. But what I don't say is, I need a hug. I'm exhausted. I need some grace today. I have a big presentation coming up. I don't say any of that. So we're not even at breakfast yet. I mean, I could go on and on.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

That's a lot of tiny missed moments for disclosure. And Leslie thinks each of them has an opportunity cost.

[Leslie John]

It's not that we should say all of the things that are on our mind. Yeah, you don't want that. I don't want that. But I think that we should consider saying more of these things, because I think if we did, I know that our lives would be better for it. Being known for who you really are. That's the source of love and closeness. Right? Oftentimes, what feels like over communicating is just communicating. My husband can't read what's on my mind. I need to tell him my needs, and then he's amazing, but he can't read my mind. What feels like over communicating is just communicating. What feels like oversharing is just sharing.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

I love Leslie's point here. Often what feels like oversharing is just sharing. Often what our minds think of as too much information is just information. But if that's the case, how do we get over our fears about revealing? How do we stop missing out on all these little opportunities for connection and start opening up more? To find out, I decided to tag in a friend.

[Nick Epley]

I'm Nick Epley. I'm a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. And I just finished a book titled A Little More Social.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Nick is one of my favorite psychologists on the planet, which is one of the reasons he appears so often as a guest on the Happiness Lab. And not to drop any spoilers about this upcoming season, but Nick will be joining me for a lot of my upcoming happiness hot takes. Why? Because Nick's entire research program is pretty much one big happiness hot take. He's discovered that we consistently misunderstand how social connection works. Whether we're giving a compliment or asking for help or expressing our gratitude or, yes, sharing something that seems a little tmi, our minds assume that revealing will feel cringeworthy and awkward. But Nick finds time and again that these assumptions are wrong.

[Nick Epley]

When people talk about where their expectations come from, why they think it's gonna be awkward, they almost always will talk about vulnerability. I'm exposing something meaningful about myself. They could laugh at me, they could make fun of me, they could think poorly of me. Right, they just tend not to.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But how do we start to rewire these mistaken expectations so that we can share more deeply? Nick says the first step is to remember that our minds tend to focus on the wrong stuff during a disclosure dilemma.

[Nick Epley]

When you reveal something meaningful about yourself, or even something potentially negative, when you share that with another person, you're thinking a lot about the content, what it is that you shared.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

We also think a lot about the competence of that content, whether what we've just shared could be perceived badly by another person. If I tell my colleague that I'm feeling overwhelmed at work, are they going to think I'm bad at my job? Or if I tell my friend about a parenting slip up, are they going to view me as a bad mom? But this focus on what's being shared means that we often miss the how of sharing, how being open with another person makes that person feel. Just as Leslie John mentioned earlier, it all comes down to the importance of emotional safety.

[Nick Epley]

It's warmth, right? And what we really care about when we're interacting with other people is warmth. I want to know, can I trust you or not? Are you going to be a friend to me or not? And when somebody opens up to you and shares something, they're telling you, I trust you, I'm going to be a friend to you. And how do we judge somebody who opens up to us, who seems trustworthy and kind? Charitably is the answer.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Nick has seen this pattern in study. After studying. In one experiment, Nick asked a group of subjects to write a vulnerable note that expressed how grateful they felt about another person. He found that participants significantly overestimated how much the recipient would judge how well their gratitude note was written, while at the same time significantly underestimating how the note's warmth would make the recipient feel. In another study, Nick's team asked subjects to share three genuine compliments with a friend. Or as they phrased it, positive things you have noticed but have not, for whatever reason, had a chance to compliment your friend on yet participants were told that their friend would read the compliments and fill out a short survey about them. They were then asked to estimate how positively the recipient would react. Nick found that subjects significantly underestimated how happy their friend would be, in part because they worried too much about how competent their compliment sounded, how articulate it came across, and how well worded it was. So that's the first thing Nick says we need to remember when we're feeling pessimistic about how a disclosure will go. The people we open up to are unlikely to judge us harshly because they're paying attention to our warmth, not our competence. But Nick says there's a second thing that we need to remember if we're feeling scared to share with another person, we probably haven't given ourselves nearly enough opportunities to learn the benefits of sharing. And that's because disclosure dilemmas tend to trap us in what researchers have called an unkind learning environment.

[Nick Epley]

A kind learning environment is one where I have a belief, I go out and I test it, and I find out if I'm wrong, right? So I I think I'm going to get an A on this test. I take the test, I find out if I'm right or wrong. An unkind learning environment is one where my beliefs dictate the kind of feedback I get. So if I believe I'm going to do poorly on a test, I might not take the test, and then I wouldn't actually learn whether my belief was right or wrong. And the problem in social life is we're often in an unkind learning environment where our beliefs do dictate the feedback we get. So if I think talking with you is going to be fun and enjoyable, I'll try it and I'll find out whether I'm right or not. If I think talking with you is going to be unpleasant, I won't talk with you, and I'll never find out I'm wrong.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Our brains can only learn from experience when they get the experiences they need to actually learn. Unfortunately, our poor brains don't get all that much experience with the consequences of tmi because we're often too scared to try it. Because of this, we're not able to update our expectations about oversharing. And that means that whenever a disclosure dilemma comes along, we're stuck with that pessimistic voice in our head, the one that's constantly screaming, omg, tmi.

[Nick Epley]

No, that avoidance voice gets stronger right before you're about to do a thing. That's what chickening out is all about.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And the cringe is screaming at you.

[Nick Epley]

The cringes? Yeah, yeah.

[Jacob Goldstein]

In both ears, right?

[Nick Epley]

At a distance, it's just one ear, right? You got the angel on the one side and the cringe on the other. But when you're about to do the thing, all you got is cringe. That's it. It's up to 11 both ears. But that's the part that often makes us deviate when we shouldn't. And you can quiet that cringe voice with a lot of practice.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But Nick admits that even an expert like him still hears that avoidance voice on rare occasions. In fact, I was really touched by a sweet story he shared in his new book about an incident in which his own cringe voice got particularly loud. Tell me about the anniversary present you gave your wife.

[Nick Epley]

Oh, my gosh. So my wife, Jen and I have been married this as we're talking right now. This is our 30th year at 25. I put together a photo montage. I can't believe you're asking. I, I, I, I wrote I was cringy in the book. I know, but it's worse even talking.

[Leslie John]

You just talked about how cringe.

[Nick Epley]

I know, but I know, I know, I know, but you feel it, right? And so if you listening to me, I'm kind of a big sort of guy. I was a college football player. And, you know, being sensitive is not necessarily something I'm always known for. Perhaps. But I put together this photo montage of us together over the last 25 years. And one of my favorite songs is from Ben Folds titled the Luckiest, which I think is is the song that encapsulates best how I feel about my wife. I met her when I was 17 years old. I proposed to her when I was 21. How I came to meet this amazing human being when I was 17 years old is just the most fortunate bit of luck that I could have ever had. So I sung the Luckiest to this montage. I'm not a great singer. It was so cringy to do it because I was focused on how awkward I sounded, how terrible I sounded when I played it to Jen. Look, she was in tears. And part of my brain knew that, like, part of my brain knew that she would see the love that I was trying to communicate and express to her in this. She would feel that.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But even though Nick is an expert on the power of vulnerability, the other part of his brain was still screaming, tmi, you suck. She's gonna hate it. Stop.

[Nick Epley]

This is the first time I'd ever sung to my wife. And so the avoidance voice was still really, really strong and I had to ignore it. I had to push past it.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Nick says that pushing past the avoidance voice is easier when you remember what psychologist Leslie John explained earlier that the most meaningful acts of sharing often feel like oversharing. But decades of research demonstrate that your recipient is not going to judge you nearly as harshly as you assume. Remembering these findings gave Nick the evidence based courage he needed to push through his cringe voice and serenade his wife. And in Nick's case, going a little TMI worked out nicely.

[Nick Epley]

She loved it because it signified warmth. It wasn't competent. She didn't expect me to be a great singer. It was signifying warmth.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

After 25 years, she knew.

[Nick Epley]

She kind of knew. She kind of knew.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

So what can we do to shut off that cringe voice more often? Nick's advice is to collect more of our own data on the benefits of tmi, to create our own kind learning environments. Even though the act of doing so may feel painfully awkward in the moment.

[Nick Epley]

The fears you have about how these conversations will go are off, right? How do you calibrate those? You calibrate those with experience, with practice, with trying running the experiment yourself, when my hope is that if you have practice enough, you will have another voice too, and that other voice is telling you no, it'll be okay. You can sing the Ben Folds Song to your wife and she will love it. Even even though you sound horrible, she will still love it.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But wait. You might be thinking it's one thing to overcome your worries about oversharing when you're singing on your 25th anniversary. But what about embarrassing moments of TMI at work or during a job interview? Or when you're about to totally humiliate yourself in front of someone who hasn't vowed to love you through sickness and health? When we get back from the break, oversharing expert Leslie John will help us tackle when to choose TMI in these higher stakes disclosure dilemmas and when it might be worth holding things back. We'll hear her tips for handling the big boss levels of oversharing challenges when the Happiness Lab returns. In a moment. Being a small business owner isn't just a career, it's a calling. Chase for Business knows how much heart and effort goes into building something of your own. That's why they make your business growth their priority. The team at Chase takes the time to understand your mission, where you are now and where you want to go. Their broad range of solutions is designed with you in mind so you can bring your ideas to life. From banking to payment acceptance to credit cards, you can conveniently manage all your business finances all in one place with their digital tools. Looking for tips and advice? Their online resources are always available to give you the solutions you need to help your business thrive. See how your business can get stronger and go farther with Chase for Business. Learn [e-mail] business chase for business Make More of what's Yours the Chase Mobile app is available for select mobile devices, message and data rates. May apply JPMorgan Chase Bank NA Member FDIC Copyright 2026 JPMorgan Chase Co. Service

[American Military University / Chase Business / Advertisers]

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[Jacob Goldstein]

Goldstein from Business History. In our new series American Genius, we tell the stories of three great writers who changed the way business works in America. Our first episode is about Benjamin Franklin, who among many other things was a best selling business writer. Take a listen. He's writing this much later in his life, consciously creating this image of himself. And I do want to emphasize how unusual this model is at the time, this self made man myth. Because you don't want to be self made. It's low class to be self made. You know, this idea that we have today is the opposite, right? And it comes from Franklin. Today there is the derisive term Nepo baiting. Well, exactly right.

[Nick Epley]

And these days if you are a billionaire, you had better have a Benjamin Franklin story about starting in a garage, coming up with the idea from nothing.

[Jacob Goldstein]

And here is Benjamin Franklin Franklin inventing it right before our eyes. This has been brought to you by Odoo to listen to more of our American Genius series. Listen to business history. New episodes release every Wednesday on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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[Leslie John]

If you do start experimenting more with revealing, you're going to cross the line

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

sometimes Psychologist and oversharing fan Leslie John argues that when facing a disclosure dilemma, it's often wise to err on the side of TMI rather than tli. But even she admits that we need to strike some sort of balance.

[Leslie John]

So the people that I think are best at navigating disclosure dilemmas, at revealing when they should and keeping mum when they should are people that are really high in disclosure flexibility, which refers to the ability to navigate deftly from extreme openness to extreme guardedness.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Healthy disclosure flexibility involves tracking more specific features of a disclosure situation when deciding how much to reveal. And one feature Leslie thinks we need to flexibly attend to is how long we've been in a given relationship.

[Leslie John]

I think we're pretty adept at navigating how much to share in early relationships. When we're dating we know we share a little bit and more, but but where we tend to go awry is in long term relationships where we've been together so long that we know each other so well. But the problem is our confidence that we know the person outpaces our actual knowledge. And that's where the problem begins because that's when we stop asking, we stop sharing. We assume we really do need to keep sharing to keep that closeness alive.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Similar problems can also crop up in long term friendships. Leslie worries about one case in particular in which we tend to go TLI with our friends when we have good news. In fact, Leslie has found that more than 80% of people report intentionally hiding a success from a good friend.

[Leslie John]

We're often very reticent to share successes with our close friends because we don't want them to feel envious and jealous because we care so much about them. If you don't tell them about the promotion, they they'll probably find out anyways from a third party. And that's really bad for your relationship because think about it, when you find out third hand about your friend's success. You think they thought I couldn't take it? Or maybe we are not as close as I thought we were. But it's a very valid concern. You don't want to hurt the person's feelings when you have the good fortune. And so what can you do? How can you say it better to your friend? Well, first of all, timing is important. You want to catch them when they're not in a rut. Right.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And when you do find the right moment, Leslie says you need to avoid the tendency to humble brag or to downplay your achievements.

[Leslie John]

We often think we need to kind of take the edge off of a brag by making a faux self deprecating comment or a faux display of humility. Faux being the operative word here. People see right through it. We think that that's the best way to share our successes when we do work up the gumption. But we should actually just come out and say them. And the way you can say it in a kind way is to say, I worked really, really hard for this promotion and I feel really proud of it. And I'm so grateful that you were cheering me along the whole way. I couldn't do it without you. Right. That's a way of sharing. And then we'll find that once you do this, that also enhances your relationship.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

So that's how to disclose more effectively in friendships. But what about disclosure flexibility on the job? Well, Leslie has discovered that effective workplace disclosures require paying close attention to the status of your recipient. Let's say you're thinking about revealing something vulnerable to someone who's at the same level as you, say, a teammate or your work bestie? In those instances, Leslie's advice is definitely to err on the side of tmi. But what about cases in which you're in a higher status role than your recipient when you're, say, the boss or in some position of authority? Surprisingly, the science suggests this is also a good time to err on the side of revealing. One study found that when leaders are honest about their own gaps in knowledge or skills, their teams grow to trust them more. Leaders who reveal more are also more likely to receive open feedback from their subordinates. So yes, even in high status situations, it's still good to get a bit vulnerable.

[Leslie John]

Okay, but what about when you're not in a high status situation? There, of course, we need to be more careful because our negative disclosures can be much more easily used against us. They can be misconstrued. One thing that I like to think about is the difference between transparency and vulnerability. Transparency is cognitive openness. So sharing the way your mind works, the way your thoughts work, how you think through things, that's a form of sharing. That's pretty low risk in the workplace and high reward. The part where you get into the dangerous territory is vulnerability, which is sharing maybe negative thoughts, feelings, which we need to be much more careful about at work. There's still a place for it. But if you think about what would be a nice rule of thumb, cognitive openness. Transparency is. We should do more of that.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Can you give me an example of the cognitive openness? Cause I love the idea, but I think it's hard to see.

[Leslie John]

Yeah. So imagine you're in a job interview. So you're the candidate, you're in a low status situation and they ask you, what's your greatest weakness? What you can say is actually a real weakness, but in a careful way. Imagine your weakness is, like most of us, I don't like being put on the spot in meetings. What you can say is, you know, the way my mind works is I like to have a few moments to think through the key points. I'm going to say that's just the way my brain works. So if you give me even two minutes to prep for a meeting, I'll be way better. I mean, that's such a baller response because it's a true weakness. But the fact that you are on top of it shows that you're self aware.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

This strategy of cognitive openness, of revealing part of your thought process rather than the negative thought itself, also works to deflect the negative consequences of a kind of oversharing that many of us worry about on the job, showing too much emotion. Let's take what is perhaps the most extreme version of an emotional overshare at work. Suddenly bursting into tears.

[Leslie John]

Crying is tricky. If you feel you are going to cry, you can say, look, I feel really passionate about this. I care so much about this that that's why I'm getting a bit upset about this because I care so much. And so when you comment on the feeling and why you're having it and attribute it to caring about the work, to passion, that makes it less likely that you will be perceived negatively for crying. Now it's really tricky, especially when you're in a low status situation, so it's best not to cry in those settings. But if you say, this is why I'm crying, it can actually make you seem credible and therefore more competent because you're aware of. Right. And also the person who is willing to say the thing is by definition confident. And so it really can be disarming in that way.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

In all these cases, the research shows that we usually do better when we reveal something about what's going on inside us. Has all this work made you become more okay with TMI?

[Leslie John]

100%, 1,000%. You know, I, you know, as I was writing the book, it really was such a meta experience because how can you write a book about revealing and not reveal about yourself? And so I was constantly, as I was writing it thinking, is this too much? Hopefully I got it mostly right, but if I didn't, that's also part of the point. We think that silence is the safe thing, that it's neutral, but it's not. And once I made that reframe, that silence is not neutral. And this is always a choice. It's made me reveal more and I've benefited, I think hugely.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

So that's our first happiness hot take of the season. Oversharing ain't so bad and we should be doing it way more often. TMI shared with real people in real life tends to build trust and connection, especially when it's done with a bit of care and disclosure flexibility. So the next time you're facing an in real life disclosure dilemma, remember that your inner cringe voice is lying to you. And what feels like oversharing is often just sharing. Next time on the Happiness Lab, I'll be continuing our happiness hot take season with a hot take that even I have gotten wrong in the past. We'll turn to the college student mental health crisis and learn about new data that shows that the kids today might be alright. Or at least as alright as the kids have ever been.

[Leslie John]

It was really disorienting for us as researchers to be so wrong about our hypothesis.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

That's all next week on the Happiness lab with me, Dr. Laurie Sant.

[Leslie John]

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[Dr. Laurie Santos]

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[Nick Epley]

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you own your own business, you own every decision.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Catch the red eye or take the

[Leslie John]

6am Make a new hire or promote internally.

[Nick Epley]

Celebrate a win with the toast at the gate or unwind at the lounge.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Big props to this team.

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[Nick Epley]

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[Dr. Laurie Santos]

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