The Happiness Lab: Getting Unstuck

Episode: "Why Chasing Success Can Leave You Feeling Stuck (with David Brooks)"

Host: Dr. Laurie Santos
Guest: David Brooks (Author, NYT Columnist)
Release Date: January 19, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode explores the pitfalls of our cultural obsession with achievement as a pathway to happiness. Dr. Laurie Santos and David Brooks discuss why focusing on external success often leaves us feeling stuck and dissatisfied, and what the science (and practice) of character development can teach us about living a more fulfilling, connected life. They break down the difference between "resume virtues" and "eulogy virtues," the role of small daily habits, humility, connection, and attention in happiness, and provide practical strategies for getting psychologically unstuck for the new year.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Obsession with Achievement and Its Limits

• [01:45] Many of us start the new year chasing goals rooted in self-improvement—money, promotions, fitness—but ignore goals like becoming a better friend or building community.
• Laurie Santos: "Could intentionally building our character be a more happiness-inducing strategy than we think?"
• The episode challenges the assumption that achievement = happiness.

2. Resume Virtues vs. Eulogy Virtues

• [02:49] David Brooks explains the distinction:
  • Resume Virtues: “Things that make you good at your job…lawyer, accountant, teacher…”
  • Eulogy Virtues: “The things they say about you after you’re dead—honesty, courage, love.”
• Our society over-prioritizes resume virtues, as reflected in parenting and education:
  • Brooks: “80% of junior high students said their parents care more about homework than being kind.” [03:02]
• The measurable nature of achievement makes those goals more seductive.
  • Brooks: “Anytime you find yourself quantifying a human being, you should stop and watch out.” [04:16]

3. Character Development as Daily Practice

• [05:25] Character growth isn’t a sudden self-transformation, but a quiet, continuous practice.
  • Brooks: “Character is forged the way we learn crafts, by small habits.” [06:34]
  • He describes surrounding himself with biographies and portraits of exemplars for inspiration.

4. The Role of Discomfort and 'Being Seized'

• [07:50] Avoidance of discomfort can prevent moral and personal growth.
  • Brooks shares how Haruki Murakami’s “hatred” for running, yet commitment to it, demonstrates the value in embracing challenges for deeper fulfillment.
  • Distinction between ‘liking’ and ‘wanting’ systems: “I don’t like writing…but I want to write.” [08:07]
  • Brooks: "What is the ruling passion of your soul?" [09:47]
    • Many adults don’t ever ask themselves this.

5. Humility: Cultivating Openness and Willingness

• [11:59] Modern culture’s focus on self-promotion is at odds with humility.
• Brooks: “There’s a nice distinction to be made between willfulness and willingness. Willfulness is when you take control, and willingness is when you’re willing to be led.” [12:42]
  • Quotes C.S. Lewis: “Humility is not thinking lowly of yourself, but really not thinking of yourself.”
  • Brooks’s own definition: “Radical self-awareness from a position of other-centeredness.” [13:38]

6. Service & Becoming a ‘Weaver’ in Your Community

• [16:45] Getting unstuck often means serving others at the local level.
  • Brooks shares stories from his nonprofit, Weave: The Social Fabric Project.
    • The "Weaver" identity—someone who holds the neighborhood together, even in small ways (e.g., a woman who practices ‘aggressive friendship’ or someone who helps kids cross the street).
  • Brooks: “Society changes when a small group of people find a better way to live, and the rest of us copy.” [17:54]

7. The Art and Crisis of Human Connection

• [20:18] Brooks’s latest work delves into the necessity of one-on-one connections.
  • Many people haven’t been taught core human skills: comforting the grieving, ending conversations, attention.
  • “The apex skill is the skill of making others feel seen, heard, and understood.” [21:21]
• Modern social crisis: Loneliness, low trust in relationships, and the epidemic of feeling ‘unseen.’
  • Trust in neighbors has declined from 60% to 30%, and just 19% among millennials. [21:28]

8. Personal Transformation: Brooks’s Story

• Brooks openly reflects on his own social and emotional difficulties, including a story of emotional inhibition and divorce.
  • Brooks: “I experienced loneliness as sort of a burning in the stomach.” [24:26]
  • Transformation started with vulnerability: “You can either be broken or broken open.” [24:23]

9. Attention as an Act of Generosity

• [26:01] Quoting Simone Weil: “Attention is the ultimate act of generosity.”
  • The way we pay attention to others can transform their sense of self and well-being.
  • Brooks: “He brought forth a different version of her with the power of his attention.” [26:46]
• Modern distractions (e.g., phones) and our over-valuation of autonomy isolate us, making connection harder. [27:59]

10. Developing Empathy & Overcoming Negativity

• [30:29] Empathy comprises emotional connection, cognitive understanding, and actual caring.
  • Empathy in action: Brooks shares the story of Gillian at a wedding, surrounded by silent support when grieving. [31:55]
• Modern cultural pessimism about human selfishness is unwarranted and self-reinforcing.
  • Brooks: “If you act in ways that are trusting, preemptive vulnerability...most of the time it pays off.” [34:56]
  • Nick Epley’s research: We grossly underestimate how much we’ll enjoy meaningful conversations with strangers. [36:39]

11. Relational Skills & Vulnerability

• Asking deep questions and revealing vulnerability can spark unexpectedly profound connections.
  • People crave, but underestimate, these opportunities.
  • Brooks: “The quality of your conversations is really the quality of your interaction.” [38:28]

12. Avoiding the Character-Achievement Trap

• [39:13] Important caution: Don’t turn character growth into another achievement metric.
  • Brooks distinguishes between ambition (outward success) and aspiration (becoming a better version of oneself).
  • Brooks: “If you’re trying to become a better person because you think it’ll win you friends and admirers, I’m fine with that…there’s a difference between ambition and aspiration.” [39:41]

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On What Matters:
  • "We all know the eulogy virtues are more important. And yet our schools, often our families, emphasize the resume virtues." — David Brooks [03:02]
• On Character Practice:
  • "Character is forged the way we learn crafts, by small habits." — David Brooks [06:34]
• On Discomfort and Fulfillment:
  • "I don't like to write, but I want to write. And I've learned that we have two different systems in our brain. There's a liking system and a wanting system. And I have found…wanting leads to the hard and sometimes challenging things that make you feel fulfilled." — David Brooks [08:07]
• On the 'Ruling Passion':
  • "What defines people is…the ruling passion of their souls…And you want to answer. I get back a blank look. People have not asked themselves this question." — David Brooks [09:47]
• On Humility:
  • "C.S. Lewis defined humility as not thinking lowly of yourself, but really not thinking of yourself." — David Brooks [13:11]
  • "Humility is radical self-awareness from a position of other centeredness." — David Brooks [13:38]
• On Social Fabric:
  • "Society changes when a small group of people find a better way to live, and the rest of us copy." — David Brooks [17:54]
• On Small Connections:
  • "Attention is the ultimate act of generosity." — David Brooks quoting Simone Weil [26:01]
• On Empathy:
  • "What she needed at that moment was support. Somebody at one of those tables said, 'Let's go be in the hallway for Gillian.' That is empathy par excellence." — David Brooks [32:12]
• On Optimism and Human Nature:
  • "We have this negativity…because people in my profession, in the media…the number of headlines we write meant to generate fear and anger…it creates this negative climate. And in this climate, it's hard to lead with vulnerability and trust and the sorts of things that would actually lead to connection." — David Brooks [35:45]
• On Vulnerability:
  • "We underestimate how much we’ll enjoy talking to strangers. We underestimate how deep people want to get." — David Brooks [36:39]
  • "The quality of your conversations is really the quality of your interaction." — David Brooks [38:28]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:49] Resume vs. eulogy virtues defined
• [06:34] The habit-forming nature of character
• [08:07] Embracing discomfort & fulfillment through wanting
• [09:47] The concept of the "ruling passion"
• [12:42] Humility: Willfulness vs. willingness
• [16:45] Service and ‘Weaving’ communities
• [21:21] Making others feel seen—apex social skill
• [24:23] Brooks’s journey through emotional challenge
• [26:01] Attention as a moral foundation
• [30:29] The components and practice of empathy
• [36:39] Social experiments proving our hunger for deep connection
• [39:41] Ambition vs. aspiration and motivation for character growth

Practical Strategies & Takeaways

• Focus on building eulogy virtues—traits like kindness, honesty, courage—through small daily actions.
• Become a ‘Weaver’: Notice problems in your immediate surroundings, figure out how you can serve, and understand the profound fulfillment that comes from community involvement.
• Prioritize attention: Practice truly seeing and hearing others; it’s the foundation of connection.
• Don’t fear vulnerability: Initiate deeper conversations, admit not knowing, and share about yourself sincerely.
• Seek inspiration from exemplars: Read about people you admire, reflect on your own ‘ruling passion,’ and aspire to live those values.
• Balance motives: It's okay to want to ‘better yourself’ for both inner and social reasons. Just aim for aspiration over ambition.
• Remember: Happiness and getting unstuck are byproducts of genuine connection, humility, and incremental character growth—not mere achievement.

For Listeners

If you're feeling stuck, reflect on what virtues you're prioritizing right now. Take one step this week: reach out to someone, help in your community, pay just and loving attention to another—and notice how these ‘small’ acts can transform your life’s trajectory.