You're Actually Not Bothering People Enough

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos

Episode: You're Actually Not Bothering People Enough
Date: August 10, 2026
Host: Dr. Laurie Santos (Pushkin Industries)

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Episode Overview

This episode challenges the common belief that asking others for help is bothersome or makes us appear needy. Dr. Laurie Santos—joined by behavioral scientist Nick Epley and entrepreneur Jia Jiang—explores the science behind why we underestimate people's willingness (and happiness) to help, and how pushing past our own fears of rejection can make everyone happier. Through personal stories, psychological experiments, and Jia Jiang’s extreme “rejection therapy” experiment, the episode dismantles societal myths about self-sufficiency and reveals that being a “bother” is actually a win for human connection and happiness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Fear of Asking for Help

• Societal Conditioning: Many of us hesitate to request help, fearing rejection or being seen as needy (02:20–07:39).
• Personal Stories: Jia Jiang recounts a traumatic classroom experience in which he wasn’t chosen for a compliment, shaping his lifelong fear of rejection (03:59–06:06).
  • Quote: “I just felt like my fear of rejection was really holding me back.” – Jia Jiang (05:58)

2. Misperceptions about Bothering Others

• Dr. Santos and Nick Epley discuss psychological research showing that people are much happier to help than we imagine (08:02–09:46).
• Quote: “We only get feedback from the things we choose to do, and we don't get feedback from the things we choose to avoid.” – Nick Epley (09:46)

3. The “Photo Experiment”: Real Evidence

• Epley describes a campus experiment where people had to ask strangers to take a Polaroid. Beforehand, participants overestimated how annoyed strangers would be (10:03–11:16).
  • In reality, strangers were six times less bothered and much happier than expected.
  • Quote: “It was a more positive experience for the person who asked for help than people expected.” – Nick Epley (10:46)

4. Jia Jiang’s Rejection Therapy

• Jia embarks on 100 days of asking for outlandish things—filming and sharing the process publicly to hold himself accountable (15:55–16:12).
• Day 1: He asks a security guard for $100 and is politely refused, but is struck by how he misread the guard’s response and fled instead of engaging (16:30–17:46).
• Day 2: Asks for a burger refill at Five Guys—again refused, but feels calmer staying engaged (18:06–18:49).
• Day 3: Requests Olympic-ring-shaped donuts at Krispy Kreme. To his shock, the employee happily obliges, even giving them for free, and the video goes viral (19:12–20:14).
  • Quote: “How many yeses have I missed in my life, because I was expecting a no?” – Jia Jiang (20:05)

5. Scientific Takeaways and The “Beautiful Mess Effect”

• Most of the time, people react positively to help-seeking, even for odd or bold asks (21:36–22:19).
• Displays of vulnerability increase likability and connection—a phenomenon researchers call “the beautiful mess effect” (27:08–27:33).
  • Quote: "We assume that people will avoid us if we seem needy or dependent on help. But it's actually just the opposite." – Dr. Laurie Santos (27:12)

6. Practical Advice for Pushing Your Comfort Zone

• Start Small: You don’t need to go as extreme as Jia. Gradually push beyond your comfort zone and experiment with minor requests (29:47–30:13).
  • Quote: “Go outside of a comfort zone a little bit. ... You don't have to come in and ask for a hundred dollars like I did. That was a big step.” – Jia Jiang (29:47)
• Acknowledge the Ask: Disclose that your request may be unusual or a reach—this puts others at ease and gives them permission to say no, which paradoxically makes them more likely to say yes (28:42–29:08).
  • Quote: “If I give the other person the freedom to say no to me, I give myself the freedom to ask whatever I want.” – Jia Jiang (28:31)

7. Reluctance Hurts Everyone

• By not asking for help, we rob others of the joy that comes from being helpful and deepen the false belief that asking = annoyance (12:19–12:31; 31:12–end).
  • Example: Jia recounts frustration at a friend who struggled solo through a job search rather than asking for his help (29:24).
  • Quote: "People are way more happy to help than our lying minds think." – Dr. Laurie Santos (31:12)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “I just felt like my fear of rejection was really holding me back.” — Jia Jiang (05:58)
• “We only get feedback from the things we choose to do, and we don't get feedback from the things we choose to avoid.” — Nick Epley (09:46)
• “It was a more positive experience for the person who asked for help than people expected.” — Nick Epley (10:46)
• “How many yeses have I missed in my life, because I was expecting a no?” — Jia Jiang (20:05)
• “We assume that people will avoid us if we seem needy or dependent on help. But it's actually just the opposite.” — Dr. Laurie Santos (27:12)
• “If I give the other person the freedom to say no to me, I give myself the freedom to ask whatever I want.” — Jia Jiang (28:31)
• “People are way more happy to help than our lying minds think.” — Dr. Laurie Santos (31:12)

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Key Segments by Timestamp

• 00:00–02:20 – Opening theme, setup, and transition to the episode’s main topic.
• 03:59–06:06 – Jia Jiang’s formative experience with rejection as a child.
• 07:39–09:46 – Nick Epley and Dr. Santos discuss the psychology of help-seeking.
• 10:03–11:16 – The Polaroid experiment and research findings.
• 15:55–17:46 – Jia Jiang begins his 100 days of rejection therapy (Day 1: $100 request).
• 18:06–18:49 – Day 2: Burger refill request.
• 19:12–20:14 – Day 3: Olympic donuts (the viral turning point).
• 21:36–22:19 – Analysis: Most people say yes, even to outlandish requests.
• 27:08–27:33 – "Beautiful mess effect"—vulnerability and connection.
• 29:47–30:13 – Tips for getting started: push your comfort zone gradually.
• 31:02–end – Final reflections and encouragement to ask for more help.

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Practical Takeaways

• Your ask is rarely as burdensome as you fear. People enjoy opportunities to be helpful and rarely see reasonable requests as inconvenient.
• Being vulnerable is endearing, not off-putting. Asking for help, disclosing fears, or expressing needs usually deepens social bonds.
• Start small and build. Test the waters with minor asks; with practice, your comfort and the outcomes will improve.
• Explicitly give others permission to say no. This reduces pressure and actually increases the likelihood of a “yes.”
• Think how you feel when asked for help. You’re likely happy to do it—others are, too.

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Conclusion

The main message: Asking for help isn’t bothersome—it's a gift, both for you and for those you ask. Most fears about imposing are misplaced, and by opening ourselves up to help, we cultivate stronger, happier relationships. So, the next time you’re hesitating to make a request, remember: you’ll probably be making someone’s day—yours and theirs.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

This is an I Heart podcast, Guaranteed human. This episode is brought to you by Choiceology, an original podcast from Charles Schwab, hosted by the amazing Katie Milkman, behavioral scientist and author of the best selling book how to Change. Choiceology is a show about the psychology and economics behind our decisions. You can hear true stories from Nobel laureates, authors, historians, athletes and more about why we do the things we do and how to make better choices to help avoid costly mistakes. Listen to [e-mail] podcast or wherever you listen to your shows.

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[Dr. Laurie Santos]

purchase and seller protections on eligible transactions. Only terms apply. See paypal.com risk management for details. Pushkin. Hey Happiness Lab listeners. We're finally coming to the end of our Happiness Hot Take series. A whole season in which I've been calling out the bad happiness advice that I hear so often on the Internet. For our final hot take, we're heading back into the Happiness Lab archives to revisit a misconception that I struggle with myself. Many of us find it hard to ask for support, either because we're afraid of inconveniencing other people, or we don't want to come off as too needy. We're taught to handle things on our own, even at times when we really could use a helping hand. But today's hot take is we should be bothering people a little more often. It turns out that asking someone for a favor doesn't just make life easier for you, it can actually make the other person happier as well. So stay tuned for research and stories that reveal why asking for everything from a little assistance to a massive act of generosity can be good for everyone involved. Here's this week's in case you missed it. Happiness Hot take. I hope you enjoy it. We're in a first grade classroom in Beijing, China. It's about 20 years ago, ahead of the annual holidays. To mark the occasion, a teacher has brought and wrapped presents for her students. The gifts are stacked up in a corner, ready to be handed out, and

[Jia Jiang]

if she just stopped right there, it would be a great story.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Jia Jiang was one of those excited

[Jia Jiang]

kids, but she had all of us come to the front of a classroom and said, hey, why don't you guys say nice things about each other? If someone calls your name and says something nice about you, you can go get a gift and sit down.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

One by one, the kids started sharing kind words about their classmates.

[Jia Jiang]

It was great when it started. Someone can sing really well, someone is helpful to other teachers, and I would applaud and wait my turn.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But the flow of compliments soon slowed down and then petered out completely. Worried, Zha's teacher asked, doesn't anyone have anything nice to say about the students who are still at the front of the class? No one spoke. Three gifts sat uncollected in the corner, and three kids stood rejected at the front of the room.

[Jia Jiang]

And I was one of them.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

It was just a fleeting few minutes in Jia's life, but the events of that day cast a long shadow. Jia eventually graduated school, then headed to college and began a new life outside China.

[Jia Jiang]

But the thing is, once I came to the United States, I started following like a path of almost like least resistance.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Nearing his 30s, Jia felt like he was being held back from chasing his dreams and fulfilling his potential. And he traced some of that back to the fateful day many years ago where he stood rejected in front of his classmates.

[Jia Jiang]

Pretty sure it didn't help.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

You see, Jean needed all the confidence, self belief and drive he could muster because he had a dream.

[Jia Jiang]

I've always wanted to be an entrepreneur. You know, I actually come from a family of teachers, but I didn't never want to be a teacher. I wanted to be entrepreneur because I was inspired by Bill Gates.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Becoming the next Bill Gates requires a willingness to put yourself out there. You've got to be prepared to tell potential investors and clients about your big plans, and you've got to be prepared for them to laugh you out of the room. You have to knock on door after door after door asking for support and backing until you get the answer you want. And Ja just wasn't sure he could handle that.

[Jia Jiang]

I just felt like my fear of rejection was really holding me back.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Though now fully grown, Ja still felt the pain of his six year old self.

[Jia Jiang]

And I was just miserable, to be honest, because I feel like I'm getting old. My wife was pregnant and I just feel like I probably missed my mark to be this entrepreneur that I've always wanted to be.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

So was Xia going to admit defeat and give up on his dream and remain miserable on this path of least resistance? Nope.

[Jia Jiang]

So that's where I realized I got to overcome this fear of rejection.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Even if you didn't get dissed by your entire first grade classroom, you can probably still relate to Ja's lack of confidence. It's not just entrepreneurs who need to make themselves vulnerable to others. Whether it's in our careers or just in daily life, many of us have a hard time asking for the help we need because, like Jia, we fear rejection. We may worry we'll get a big fat no from a friend or stranger, or we may just hate the idea of bothering busy people. We may fear being seen as pushy or annoying or needy. These fears may feel very real, but do they match the reality of reaching out to the people around us when we need help? By not even opening the conversation, are we actually making ourselves and other people less happy than we could be? Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us, leading us away from what will really make us happy? The good news is that understanding the science of the mind can point us all back in the right direction. You're listening to the Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos.

[Nick Epley]

I was a former college football player, so asking for help is not the kind of thing I typically did very much.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

This is social Connection expert and Happiness Lab regular Nick Epley. Like Ja, Nick grew up with a reluctance to ask for help.

[Nick Epley]

I was pretty strong and capable, and I could do stuff. And that always made me fairly reluctant to ask others for help, to do almost anything.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

If you've heard Nick on other episodes of this season, you may recall that he studies the way our minds mess up when it comes to happier social connection. Recently, his lab has turned to the fears that he and so many of us have when it comes to asking for help.

[Nick Epley]

And our research, and that of many others in the field has been making it crystal clear that many of those fears are miscalibrated. That is, they're exaggerated. We tend to underestimate how positively these interactions are going to go.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Nick's work begins from a premise that many researchers argue is a universal psychological truth. We enjoy doing nice stuff for other people.

[Nick Epley]

I think feeling happy to have helped is a very real thing. You go do something kind for somebody else, you'll feel pretty darn good.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

We usually notice how good it feels to help others. When we're in the role of the helper. We forget that the same maxim holds for the people we ask to help us.

[Nick Epley]

Notice that asking for help from somebody else gives an opportunity to do something kind for you. And by not asking for help, you are really missing out on an opportunity to make somebody else feel good.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

We sometimes worry that our requests will be a burden on the person we approach, that they'll feel pressured to say yes. But Nick's research shows that that usually isn't the case, especially when we have a relatively simple request. Calling upon another person for assistance can be a gift, not just to ourselves, but also to the person we ask.

[Nick Epley]

So in some ways, it seems almost selfish to not ask other folks for help when they could give it to you easily because you're denying them an opportunity to do something kind for you.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

The problem is, we usually don't see it that way. And when we fail to ask for help, we don't get to witness the happiness boost it gives us or the person giving us assistance. And so we continue to believe that seeking help is an imposition rather than a wonderful way to bond and make everyone happier.

[Nick Epley]

We only get feedback from the things we choose to do, and we don't get feedback from the things we choose to avoid. And in an imperfect world like that, we're going to get a systematically distorted view of how these social interactions are going to go. That naturally confirms our belief.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

To test just how deeply ingrained these false beliefs are, Nick designed a simple experiment. He set up a photo op at a popular spot on campus. But the camera he put out there wasn't a modern smartphone. It was a vintage Polaroid instant camera. And that choice was key because old school Polaroids aren't built to let you take selfies.

[Nick Epley]

So in the old days, if you wanted somebody to take a picture of you, you had to go up and ask them to do it.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

So Nick's subjects had to find a stranger to assist them. But before they approached anyone, the subjects were asked how annoyed they thought the stranger would be by being stopped and how positive their mood would be afterwards. Nick later compared these predictions to what the strangers actually said about taking the Polaroids.

[Nick Epley]

And we found that people tended to underestimate how positively others respond, how willing they would be to help, how happy they would feel helping after they actually did it was a more positive experience for the person who asked for help than people expected.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Nick's subjects also grossly overestimated how inconvenienced the photo takers would feel. Their guesses were six times higher than what the helpers themselves later reported. Six times higher. Our predictions of how other people will react to our helping requests are way, way off.

[Nick Epley]

They were likely to want to try to help you, and given that they were perceiving it as an act of kindness, given that you'd asked for it, they'll feel good when they actually help you out.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Results like these prompted Nick to rethink his own resistance to asking for help.

[Nick Epley]

Here in Chicago, it sometimes snows in the winter, but if I couldn't plow my driveway, I was often reluctant to have a neighborhood come and shovel my driveway. And then our work in part, made it clear to me that the neighbor would probably feel pretty good being able to do that for me. And so I now will ask him if he could do that. If I can't, if I can't shovel it. And it's created lots of good conversations between us where I get a chance to thank him for that. He feels good for it, and I don't think I ever would have done

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

that before asking for help. To take a quick photo, or for a friendly neighbor to lend you a hand. Shoveling snow are great places to start. But aspiring entrepreneur Xia Zhang was in a hurry. He wanted to supercharge his fight against his crippling fear of rejection. So the approach he took was rather extreme. He decided to ask people for some pretty fantastic favors.

[Jia Jiang]

I saw this big guy. He looked like a security guard of some sort, and he was sitting behind a desk, and I said, okay, I'm gonna ask him. Then as I just inching toward him, I just slowed down. I was like, this is so scary. My heart was pounding. I was sweating.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

We'll hear how all this turned out when the Happiness Lab returns in a moment. Does anyone else feel like August is the Sunday of summer, especially when the new school year looms, I start thinking about resetting my routine. And for me, that often begins with my closet. I've been trying to buy fewer, better pieces, the kind I know I'll wear again and again. And that's why I've become such a fan of Quince. The piece I keep reaching for is Quince's washable stretch silk tiered maxi dress. The silk feels incredibly soft. It has a little stretch to it, so it's comfortable to wear all day long. And the fact that it's washable makes it so much more practical than you'd expect from a silk dress. Also, it's got pockets. Love the pockets. That dress looks polished but effortless. Exactly what I want from the clothes I wear most. Upgrade your everyday Download the quints app for app exclusive offers or go to quints.com Happiness get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's quince.com Happiness I'm Jake Brennan and

[Jake Brennan]

on my podcast Hollywoodland, I revisit some of the biggest stories from Hollywood history, separating the myths people want to believe from the reality underneath them. Like how the story of Marilyn Monroe isn't just the story of a Hollywood icon. Marilyn Monroe has become so iconic that her death can only be explained through conspiracy theories. And for some fans who can't let go, these stories have metastasized from conjecture to accepted fact. So on August 4, 1962, Marilyn Monroe died. Then the rumors started and she died again. And now we're going to set the record straight and learn about the way Marilyn Monroe actually died. The third way. Learn more about what happens when fame, media obsession, and conspiracy collide. Listen to Hollywoodland on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast Podcasts

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Wannabe entrepreneur Xia Zhang wanted to beat his fear of rejection. So he began where a lot of us do when we're ready for a big behavior change. He did a Google search.

[Jia Jiang]

Google is like the real Yoda, right?

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

After a few clicks, Jean stumbled on a website that would change his life forever. Rejectiontherapy.com a site that teaches a practice known as exposure therapy. Lets say you want to get over your phobia of heights. Exposure therapy would tell you to Confront that fear by visiting locations a little bit above ground level and then over time climbing higher and higher so that through gradual exposure, you get used to heights. Rejectiontherapy.com applies that same logic to the fear of asking for help. The website suggests things like challenging a stranger to a game of rock paper, scissors or asking for a small discount the next time you buy something. The challenges even have different levels, so you can start with just a mild taste of rejection and gradually build up to going way out of your comfort zone. Jia was ready to dive in.

[Jia Jiang]

I was like, this is the best idea I've ever heard.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

The site recommended a month long challenge. 30 days of rejection.

[Jia Jiang]

And I didn't want to do 30 days because I was like, you know, I want to go hardcore. Let me overdose on rejection and see what happens. So I did 100 days of rejection.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And rather than performing these challenges privately, Jatt decided he needed to film all his interactions and to share them with the entire world.

[Jia Jiang]

I know if I do this by myself, I probably get a couple rejections and just quit. But if I declare that to the world, and I will think people will hold me accountable. So I can't just quit that easily. So that's what I did. All right. This is my first try.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Day one of Ja's rejection marathon started pretty spectacularly.

[Jia Jiang]

I'm gonna try to borrow $100, stranger.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Jia picked a security guard sitting by a desk in the marble filled lobby of a nice mall.

[Nick Epley]

Excuse me.

[Jia Jiang]

Do you think I borrowed $100 from you?

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

The security guard looked confused, like he couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.

[Jia Jiang]

No, no.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Why?

[Jia Jiang]

All right. No. Okay, sorry. Thanks.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Jia didn't wait around to answer the security guard's question.

[Jia Jiang]

I just ran as fast as I could.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Jia was downhearted. He assumed the interaction had gone terribly, that the guard had badly rejected him. But all that changed once he watched the footage.

[Jia Jiang]

I was like this NFL scout looking at a game film, you know, analyzing myself.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Zhao was shocked by what he saw, and not by the guard's reaction, but by his own.

[Jia Jiang]

I looked so scared, and I was like, oh, wow. I didn't know he was a security or someone. I don't know. He just sits there. He looks like a security guard. I thought he might pull off a gun or just yell at me or something.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Watching the video revealed that Shah had nothing to be scared of. He didn't get the hundred bucks, but the guard was nice. He even gave Jia a window of opportunity. He asked Ja why, like, why did he need the hundred bucks anyway?

[Jia Jiang]

I could have said many things. I could have negotiated with him. I could have said, if you can do 100, can do five. You know, can you do one? Actually explained that I was overcoming our fear, rejection. I just ran. So I said, okay, next time, no matter what happens, I am going to stay engaged. So I'm not going to run. That's the thing. I'm not going to run.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

On day two of his 100 days of rejection, Ja headed to his favorite burger joint, Five Guys burgers and fries. He purchased a cheeseburger and ate it and then returned to the counter for the big ask.

[Jia Jiang]

Yeah, it's really. The burger's really good. Can I get a burger refill?

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Could he have a burger refill? That is another cheeseburger, totally for free.

[Jia Jiang]

Okay. All right. I would like you guys a lot more if you have a burger refill.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

The cashier said no, but this time, Zhao didn't run away.

[Jia Jiang]

And I started negotiating. I started to stay calm, and I tried to explain myself. And when I left, I didn't feel as bad. Like, I felt way better than the first day.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Ja was rejected. Five Guys does not offer burger refills, even if you ask politely. But the no Ja received from the cashier yet again came with more kindness and humor than he expected.

[Jia Jiang]

Day two was a success. On to day three.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

By day three, Zhao already felt like he was heading for a rejection gold medal.

[Jia Jiang]

I'm driving to a Krispy Kreme.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

So his next ask took his odd requests to Olympic level heights of ridiculousness.

[Jia Jiang]

I'm gonna ask them to make me some specialized donuts.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Zhao wanted the folks at Krispy Kreme to make him a set of five donuts interlocked in the shape of the famous Olympic rings.

[Jia Jiang]

Well, there's no way they're gonna say yes to that, you know, And I would just come in and make a joke, you know, and get rejected and hopefully not be too scared. Yeah.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

The employee, Jackie Braun, got a pen and paper and asked Jia to help her sketch out the design. She didn't look angry or confused. She kind of seemed to relish the challenge.

[Jia Jiang]

And 15 minutes later, she brought me out a box of donuts that looked like Olympic rings. That is really good.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

That is really good.

[Jia Jiang]

Yeah, man. You make me really happy today.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Jackie didn't even charge Ja for the donuts. It's on me, she told him with a big, beaming smile.

[Jia Jiang]

So when I was walking out at that donut shop, I was like, wow, how many yeses have I missed in my life? Because I was expecting a no. So that was a magic moment for me.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Pleased with his success, Jean went home and posted the Day 3 video. But it didn't get the handful of views he was expecting. Millions of people watched that donut clip. It got so much attention that his Olympic ring donut story wound up on daytime television shows.

[Jia Jiang]

I think Krispy Kreme stock actually went up that day because this is like a marketer's dream, right? I asked them for donuts that look like Olympic rings, and I was like, no way they're going to say yes. They couldn't say no to me. They were like, yeah, how can I make this? And when I left there, I just had tears in my eyes because I just couldn't believe. This world is much nicer than I thought. It's much kinder than I thought.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Ja's donut success was a turning point for him. It convinced him that he could successfully ask for just about anything. And Jia really did ask for rather strange things. He asked to become a mannequin in a department store, to give the safety announcement on an airplane, to slide down the pole at a fire station, and to feed a lion at the zoo.

[Jia Jiang]

There we go. Uh oh. Hold on, hold on. It's okay. It's all right. It's all right.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

The videos that followed were as hilarious as they were popular. Like when he asked for a haircut from a dog groomer.

[Jia Jiang]

Can you treat me like a German shepherd, like Tibetan Mastiff or Chow Chow or something.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Jia's videos eventually attracted the attention of a certain psychologist.

[Nick Epley]

And I thought, this is fascinating, right? This is an extreme version of what I did.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Psychologist Nick Epley's research had already shown that people are more willing to help us out than we think, that they react more positively than we expect to simple requests, like taking a quick Polaroid photo. But watching Xiao's YouTube videos, Nick realized people may also agree to far more complicated requests.

[Nick Epley]

I mean, it's off the charts what he asked people to do.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Nick carefully analyzed Ja's videos, counting exactly how often his pleas for help got rejected.

[Nick Epley]

And it turns out less often than he's accepted. Most of the time, a little over 50% of the time to these crazy requests, the person does it.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Nick also watched to see the reactions of the strangers that Ja approached. Did the donut makers and flight attendants and zookeepers get mad and yell at him and tell him to go away? Or were they genuinely trying to be kind and accommodating? Nick's analysis was striking. In the vast majority of interactions people reacted completely positively. Shah's extreme experiment in rejection therapy is a great example of two things that our lying minds often get wrong. First, we don't get rebuffed nearly as often as we fear. And second, the people we ask for help are usually much happier to oblige than we expect. But my guess is that hearing Jia's story didn't exactly prompt you to go out and demand weird shaped donuts, or to borrow money from strangers on the street, or to head into a lion's den at dinner time. So what simple strategies can we all employ to be more comfortable in asking for help? Things that will allow us and the people around us to enjoy the happiness benefits that come from bonding over a helping hand. We'll find out when the Happiness Lab returns after this quick break. Does anyone else feel like August is the Sunday of summer, especially when the new school year looms? I start thinking about resetting my routine. And for me, that often begins with my closet. I've been trying to buy fewer, better pieces, the kind I know I'll wear again and again. And that's why I've become such a fan of Quints. The piece I keep reaching for is Quince's washable stretch silk tiered maxi dress. The silk feels incredibly soft, it has a little stretch to it so it's comfortable to wear all day long. And the fact that it's washable makes it so much more practical than you'd expect from a silk dress. Also, it's got pockets. Love the pockets. That dress looks polished but effortless. Exactly what I want from the clothes I wear most. Upgrade your everyday Download the Quints app for App exclusive offers or go to quints.com Happiness get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. That's quince.com Happiness I'm Jake Brennan and

[Jake Brennan]

on my podcast Hollywoodland, I revisit some of the biggest stories from Hollywood history, separating the many myths people want to believe from the reality underneath them. Like how the story of Marilyn Monroe isn't just the story of a Hollywood icon. Marilyn Monroe has become so iconic that her death can only be explained through conspiracy theories. And for some fans who can't let go, these stories have metastasized from conjecture to accepted fact. So on August 4, 1962, Marilyn Monroe died. Then the rumors started and she died again. And now we're going to set the record straight and learn about the way Marilyn Monroe actually died the third way. Learn more about what happens when fame Media obsession and conspiracy collide. Listen to Hollywoodland on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Jia Jiang]

I'm dividing my life into BD and ad. Before donuts and after donuts. It was a watershed moment for me because it opened up this whole new world to me.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

A decade after asking a Krispy Kreme employee to build him the Olympic Ring of Donuts, Zhao now runs the very company that inspired him, rejectiontherapy.com. he's also an in demand speaker and the author of Rejection Proof, How I Beat Fear and became invincible through 100 days of rejection.

[Jia Jiang]

I didn't plan this. I didn't plan this thing to go viral. And someday I'll write a book. Someday I'll do a blog. You know, someday I will give a TED Talk or be on Loris Andal's show. I never planned all that. All I did was like, I'm gonna do something.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And the viral videos Jha made are now used by clinicians to help patients with social anxiety. They may seem extreme, but Jia says they can still teach us important lessons that we can apply in everyday settings. His first takeaway is people are actually

[Jia Jiang]

much nicer than we think. People are actually very open, especially if you ask them wacky stuff.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

A second lesson is that your fears that people will angrily reject you or think less of you if you ask for assistance are likely to be very, very misplaced. Ja is living proof that you'll hear no, far less than you expect.

[Jia Jiang]

When I started, I thought I was going to get 100 rejections. You know, maybe like, I got some yeses if you get really lucky. But as it turned out, sometimes just by asking, you get a yes.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But to get to that yes, Ja says we also need the courage to expose our vulnerabilities and to ignore any worries we may have about seeming needy.

[Jia Jiang]

I don't want to bother other people, you know, I want to be independent, Right?

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And the research backs this up. Psychologists have long found evidence for what's known as the beautiful mess effect. We assume that people will avoid us if we seem needy or dependent on help. But it's actually just the opposite. People like us better when we show weakness or express emotional vulnerability or seek their help. Being messy makes us seem more open and relatable.

[Jia Jiang]

Really good friends. They ask for help. They ask for opinions. They ask for help. And they're vulnerable to each other. If you give and take, that really builds relationships. In fact, sometimes the fact that you're asking shows that, okay, I'm asking you Because I need you. And that really increases the bond you have with each other.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But connecting with potential helpers also requires changing the negative mindset that many of us have about soliciting assistance. Your tension while asking for help can make the whole interaction less comfortable for everyone. It's something that Jia learned early in his days of rejection therapy.

[Jia Jiang]

I was expecting rejection, and all my focus was how I could deal with that rejection. And I think couldn't even think the possibility that people would say yes to me. And if you don't bring this aggressive energy, you're not that tense. People actually relax when they talk to you.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

To decrease that tension, Jia advises that you really do need to come to terms with the possibility of being rebuffed and to relax about it.

[Jia Jiang]

That's actually the key. If I'm coming and if I'm open to rejection, then I'm fine. If I give the other person the freedom to say no to me, I give myself the freedom to ask whatever I want.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

One way to do that, Shah says, is to explicitly admit that what you're asking for might not be doable and that it's totally cool if the person can't help you, that you know they're not doing it to spite you or because they don't like you.

[Jia Jiang]

I say, okay, I know I'm making a big request here. I know this is a little bit weird, and it's okay if you can't do it. If I put that thing what they are doubting up front, it actually put people at ease. He's saying that I can say no to this.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And if you're still feeling guilty about your request, Ja suggests thinking back to how you felt when someone asked for help. Would you really be annoyed if the situation was reversed? Ja says he even thinks back to cases where he felt frustrated when good friends failed to call on him when they were in need.

[Jia Jiang]

I had a friend, and he spent, like, almost a year looking for a job, and he didn't ask for any help. It was really hard for him. And I was like, you could have told me earlier that job. I know someone who was hiring for that job. Why didn't you tell me earlier?

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

But Ja has one final strategy that may seem counterintuitive given his own experience. He recommends not going as hardcore as he did.

[Jia Jiang]

Go outside of a comfort zone a little bit. Don't go, like, way out. You don't have to come in and ask for a hundred dollars like I did. That was a big step. It's like an exercise, right? If you Never lifted weights. You don't want to come in and bench press like £300. You're going to get crushed. But go out of your comfort zone a little bit and just test the water and then gradually expand your comfort zone. You can start doing this again and again, and every time you do, you become so much better than before.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And Josh should know, because asking for what he needed publicly and fighting his fear of rejection didn't just change his life.

[Jia Jiang]

Jackie from Krispy Kreme, right? The person said yes to me to make Olympic donuts. It changed her life, too.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

Jackie Braun also went viral for those Olympic donuts. A viewer of Zha's video even made her a Facebook page entitled give Jackie a Krispy Kreme a raise. And thousands of people signed the petition. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I mean, very, very much. She received a personal visit from the CEO of Krispy Kreme, and she now stars in training videos that are used by the entire corporation.

[Jia Jiang]

She becomes like a celebrity within her company. Just all because she said yes. Sometimes saying yes is more fun than saying no.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

And Ja thinks we'd all benefit from the fun of asking for help more often.

[Jia Jiang]

Rejection therapy has become a movement. It just fills my heart because I hope this movement can keep going and to help people overcome their fear.

[Dr. Laurie Santos]

So many of us are missing out on making new social connections or deepening our bonds with existing friends just because we don't want to ask for help or favors. That may be because we don't want to appear annoying or vulnerable or because we fear the humiliation of our pleas being rejected. But the science shows that our worries about being pushy and needy are unfounded. People are way more happy to help than our lying minds think. And our reluctance to ask for help winds up preventing the people we care about from receiving the happiness boost that comes with being kind. So why not follow Zha's advice and push your rejection comfort zone a bit? You don't need to ask a stranger for money or demand specialized doughnuts, but you can make sure you give the people in your life opportunities to support and care for you. It'll make them and you feel much better than you expect. The Happiness Lab is co written and produced by Ryan Dilley. Our original music was composed by Zachary Silver with additional scoring, mixing and mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice Fiennes offered additional production support. Special thanks to my agent, Ben Davis, and all of the Pushkin crew. The Happiness Lab is brought to you by Pushkin industries and me, Dr. Laurie Santos. This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.