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Situationship. It's such a fun word to say, right? It's trendy and hip and almost cool. Saying that you're in one means that you're modern and evolved. You're too secure to need a label, too independent to care about definitions. But as a therapist, master coach, and relationship expert of 25 years, I have to call bullshit. When I hear a woman say she's in her situationship, I. I hear something completely different. And my heart sinks because I know what it actually means, and it is not cool at all. So today I'm sharing four reasons. The truth about what a situationship really is and why staying in one is costing you way more than you realize. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Most of us know what a situationship is, and if not you, you can kind of just deduce it from the name. It's something romantic or sexual, but not quite a real relationship. It's not formal or established. It's not official, committed, or even public. In some cases, it can be anything from a secret affair to an on again, off again, half in, half out thing to a friends with benefits situation, or what I like to call an fb. Whatever it is, the common thread is that the terms and conditions are undefined and unclear, and either because you haven't actually discussed it, no real conversation has actually happened. One or both people are avoiding the topic on purpose because it's uncomfortable or scary, or they just don't know how to have this kind of conversation, they are lacking clarity on what they want or the skills to handle it. So common examples are dating someone for three months and then you just start having sex, but never really talk about exclusivity and and being in a relationship. And then you find out that the guy's dating another woman at the same time, or this one you've known each other or have been friends for a long time, and you just kind of slide into a sexual relationship without ever really talking about your feelings or what's happening between you. Or you're in a relationship with somebody, sort of, but his ex or his kids or some other reason he's unable to integrate you into his life publicly. You don't even know what is going on, but you keep going anyway. Or the other reason you did discuss your relationship status and it was decided to keep it unlabeled and undefined. A kind of just, let's just see where this goes kind of situation. So here are my reasons, my take on all of this crap that is not even cool in the least Reason. Number one, the word situationship makes you think that you're not in a relationship, but you are. Here's what I want you to understand. Having a cute word for something doesn't make it cute. Because calling it a situationship doesn't change what it actually is. You are in a relationship. Make no mistake about it, you are in a real relationship, just a really bad one. And the word situationship lets you pretend that you're not. It's like lipstick on a pig. It lets you tell yourself, well, it's not a real relationship, so the normal rules don't apply. But that's a lie. You are romantically involved with someone. You're sleeping with them. You have feelings for them. They take up space in your life, your time, your mental and emotional energy. See, that is a relationship. I have a relationship with my mail carrier. I have a relationship with my neighbor. These are all relationships. And they have boundaries and expectations and parameters. Okay? And what you're in it is a relationship, too, with someone that you are intimate with, someone who affects you emotionally. But calling it a situationship creates this illusion that it's something other than a relationship. Something undefined, something fluid, something that exists outside the normal rules of how we treat people that we care about. And that's dangerous, because once you convince yourself it's not a real relationship, you tolerate things that you would never tolerate in a real relationship. No commitment. Fine. It's just a situationship. No clarity. Sure, that's okay. We're keeping it casual. He's dating other people. Well, we never defined it, so I guess it's okay. But here's the truth. If you were in a relationship, a real relationship in your mind, and he was doing these things, you'd see it for what it is. You'd see it as disrespectful, as unacceptable, as a relationship that doesn't honor you. But the word itself legitimizes all of that unofficial crap and makes an off the record or even toxic relationship sound like a lifestyle choice. And it has you staying way longer than you should because you keep telling yourself it's not a real relationship anyway. So, again, listen to me. It is real. The feelings are real. The time you're investing is real. The regret that you have when you realize how much time you spent in it is real. And the hurt that you are going to feel when it falls apart, that's real, too. So stop lying to yourself. Stop using a word that makes something unhealthy sound acceptable. Call it what it actually is you are in a relationship relationship. And it's not a good one because once you call it that and once you stop hiding behind the cute word, you'll see it clearly for what it actually is. And then you can decide is this a relationship or a situation I want to be in? The answer is probably no. I care deeply about what goes into my body, what I eat, what I drink. And that includes the quality of the air in my home. Most people don't realize we spend about 90% of our time indoors and the air inside can be up to 100 times more polluted than the air outside. 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That's why this Skims Fits Everybody T Shirt bra is my go to. It gives real support, smooths everything out, and stays completely invisible under clothes. The underwire does its job without digging and it's genuinely flattering. Everything looks lifted, secure, and exactly where it should be. But here's the fun part For Valentine's Day, the T Shirt bra comes in cherry red and a really cute animal print too. Same polished fit, same clean look under clothes. Just a little personality underneath. It's the kind of thing no one else needs to know about. Unless you want them to. If you're shopping for Valentine's Day for someone you love or for yourself, the Skims Valentine's shop is open now. Shop the Skims Fits everybody collection@skims.com that's S K-I-M S.com after you place your order, let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and choose ready for love in the dropdown. Reason number two. Situationships create anxiety and someone always gets hurt. So here's what happens when you're in a situationship. You don't know where you stand. You're living in a constant state of uncertainty. And that causes anxiety. Real, physical, exhausting anxiety. Dating is already full of unknowns. It's already vulnerable and scary as it is. But refusing to just define the relationship makes it exponentially worse. Because now you're always wondering, always guessing, always reading into things and making assumptions. What's he thinking? When will I hear from him? What is he doing when we're not together? Should I reach out or wait? Should I go out with someone else? Or is that cheating? Is he going out with someone else? Should I stay or should I go? Am I in or am I out? You're waiting for him to to decide. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's pure crazy making. And here's the reality. Just because you're sleeping with someone doesn't mean that they're not allowed to sleep with someone else. Unless you make that rule. But in a situationship, there are no rules. What? That's the whole point of it, right? You're keeping it loose and undefined. So you have expectations, but no agreement. You have assumptions, but no clarity. And that gap is. Is where people get hurt. You're setting yourselves up for hurt. Think about it this way. Imagine that you're playing a sport. And there's no rules, no boundaries, no agreement on what's allowed. It would be chaos. It would strip away the entire purpose of the game. No one would even know if they're winning or losing. No one would know what's fair or foul. And that's exactly what a situationship is. Chaos disguised as freedom. Someone always gets hurt because someone always cares more. Someone always ends up wanting more. And without a container, without clear terms and mutual agreement, you're just waiting for the inevitable crash. And in the meantime, living in this limbo land is excruciating. This constant state of uncertainty means that your nervous system never gets to be calm and relaxed. You never feel safe and you never feel secure. And that is just not love. That is, it's not connection, it's torture. It is not a healthy relationship at all. So everyone just needs to stop pretending undefined is the same as free. It's not. It is just a setup for heartbreak. Reason number three, situationships. It's really just self betrayal. And deep down you know it. So here's the question. I Want you to ask yourself, is this really what you want? Or is this just what you're accepting? Because there's a massive difference. Wanting something casual, something undefined, something with no strings, is a choice. And if that's genuinely what you want, great, own it. But here's what I see most of the time. Women who want commitment but settle for ambiguity because they're afraid if they ask for more, he'll leave. Women who want a relationship but accept a situationship because they think it's better than nothing. Women who want to be chosen and but stay in limbo hoping he'll eventually decide they're worth committing to and he'll pick her. That is not a choice. That is self betrayal. And I know that deep down you know it and you can definitely feel it. You know you want more. You know you deserve more. You know this is not what you signed up for. But you're staying anyway because you're afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid of losing him. Afraid that if you ask for what you actually want, you. You end up with nothing at all. So you tell yourself these stories that I'm being cool and chill and I'm going with the flow. I don't want to put pressure on him. Maybe if I'm patient, he'll get ready and he'll be ready eventually. But let me tell you this. What's really happening is you're abandoning yourself and betraying yourself. And you're choosing his comfort over your needs. You're hoping that he'll just change his mind. You're waiting for him to be ready. You're giving him time to decide if you're worth it. And in the meantime, you're just sacrificing what you actually want. Your peace, your security, your self respect and your dignity. That is not love. That's not even close. It's settling and it's costing you everything. Every day that you stay in a situationship is a day you are telling yourself you are not worth more. Every time you accept less than what you want, you reinforce the belief that this is all you can get and it's all you deserve. Every moment you spend waiting for him to choose you, you're choosing him over yourself. And when you're all tangled up in a situationship, you are not open for something real to come into your life. So stop lying to yourself. Stop calling it going with the flow when you're actually drowning. Stop pretending that you're okay with this when you're not. You want commitment. You want clarity. You want someone who's sure about you. And if he's not that, if he's not willing to give you what you need, then he's not your person. And staying will not change that. So one more time. Is this what you really want? Or are you just afraid of what happens if you walk away? Here's what I know to be true. You cannot fully thrive in your life if one area is growing and the others are quietly being neglected. Eventually the imbalance catches up to you. That's why I created three programs to support women in the areas that matter most. Self Devoted helps you reconnect to your body, your health and your self care. Self Satisfied helps you create relationships that feel secure, fulfilling and aligned. And Self Made helps you shift your money mindset so wealth not only feels possible, it feels inevitable. These programs are not random, they are intentional. And when they are done together, the impact is powerful. When you choose the full bundle, I include the daily journal. This is a practice I use myself. And it's the tool that helps you apply what you're learning every single day. So change becomes real, not theoretical. If you're ready to invest in yourself in a way that actually supports your whole Life, go to readyforloveinc.com courses. You can explore the programs and the bundle at readyforloving.com courses. And finally, reason number four, which is kind of the most eye opening and disruptive of them all. And I love this. Situationships are a hiding place for you. This is the part nobody talks about. Sometimes you're not in a situationship because he won't commit. You're in a situationship because you won't or can't. Not consciously at least, but deep down. Because here's what situationships give you. An excuse not to go all in. An excuse not to be vulnerable. An excuse not to risk real intimacy. You get to keep one foot out the door. You get to protect yourself. You get to avoid the terrifying reality of actually being seen, chosen and loved. And when it inevitably falls apart, you get to tell yourself it wasn't real anyway. It was just a situationship. I wasn't that invested. But you were, and you know it. And to deny it is emotional bypassing and completely dismissive of yourself. So here's what I've learned after 25 years of working with women. The women who end up in situationships aren't just victims of emotionally available men. Often they're emotionally unavailable themselves. They are afraid of intimacy. They are afraid of losing themselves. Afraid of getting what they actually want. Because being that vulnerable is terrifying. Maybe you watched your parents marriage fall apart. Maybe you've been hurt or betrayed before. Maybe you don't actually believe that you're worthy of love, so you hide out. In situationships you tell yourself that you want commitment, but you choose men who can't give it to you. You say that you're ready for a relationship, but you stay with someone who keeps you at arm's length because that's safer. It's safer to be with someone who won't fully let you in because then you don't have to fully let them in either. It's safer to stay in ambiguity because then you never have to face the fear of true intimacy. It's safer to settle for crumbs because then you never have to risk being rejected when you ask for the whole meal. Situationships aren't just about what he won't give you. They're about what you won't give yourself. Permission to want it, to ask for, to require. So ask yourself this. Are you really upset that he won't commit or are you relieved? Are you really waiting for him to be ready? Or are you hiding behind this unavailability so you don't have to face your own? Are you really in this situationship because of him or because it protects you from having to show up fully yourself? That's the hard truth. It's easy to point the finger at the men being the problem, but we attract who we are. Like attracts like. And you are getting something out of this, my friend. Something that is not in your own best interest. And until you're willing to see it, you're going to keep ending up in the same place. Situationships aren't just bad relationships, they're hiding places. And you can't build real love from a place of hiding. So stop blaming him for not stepping up and start asking yourself why you're not stepping up either. That is the real work for you. You in this situation are your own biggest obstacle here. You are your own worst enemy, blocking what it is that you do really want deep down. The moment that you're ready to be fully seen and fully vulnerable and all in. You won't tolerate a situationship anymore. You will require real commitment, real clarity, real partnership. And you'll be willing to walk away from anything less. That's when everything changes. That is my honest take on situationships. Literally stop using the word because it isn't cute, it is self deception and to not be in one at all, no matter your issues. It's just not good for you in any way. This is not how a high value high vibe woman operates in her life you're either in or you're out. Know who you are, know what you want and never ever settle for anything less. You're either all in or just get the out. You can always count on me to tell you the truth and say what needs to be said. No one wants to be lied to. I've got your back sister. Thanks for listening. If this hit home, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And if you're ready to stop hiding, stop settling and start building the kind of real committed healthy relationship that you actually want we can help. Check out what we do at Ready for Love Inc.com we have everything from self study courses to high touch elite level coaching programs to support you at whatever level you need or want for yourself. I hope you'll let us help you. You don't have to figure this out on your own. See you next time.