B (3:16)

And I mean, look, we grow up in an environment and in a culture, unfortunately, where women are not taught to get each other's backs. From the time that we were like, are like middle school. And I hate that. And so in my world, wherever I go, I like to tell women that they look pretty or I like their outfits, or I tell them that they're amazing, or I just. Because it's true. And we all need to do that for each other. And that's what Ready for Love is about, is turning women into women champions of each other. And so I'm glad to hear that my voice still kind of plays out in a loop in your head. I always tell women as we're enrolling them, you're going to hear my voice in your head for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not. So at least they're good words that you're hearing. Okay, so let's. What we're going to do is we're going to kind of chart the course of what's been going on for you, and let's. Can you just tell everybody how we first met?

A (4:13)

Yeah. So my husband at the time and I were going through a very challenging season of our marriage, and I was recommended to you by another friend of mine, and that's how we met was me coming in at this really big kind of crisis, turning point in my life, and. And the advice that I hear over and over and over again is it's the. It's the Chinese finger trap. And the more I try to control and force behavior from somebody else, the more my fingers get stuck. And then if I just relax and let the outcome be the outcome and their behavior be their behavior, and that it's easier to get out of that finger trap. And that was a very clarifying moment for me in my marriage and my own tendency to want to try to control how he behaves, thinks, feels, and it was just a little glimpse of a moment for reclaiming myself.

B (5:25)

Yeah.

A (5:25)

Wow.

B (5:26)

I haven't thought about that metaphor or that in a long time. You're bringing back a level. And for the listeners, this is pre Ready for Love. We met back when I was in private practice and we were doing some couples therapy together way back in the day. And so when was that? Like, what year was that, Approximately?

A (5:43)

Oh, probably 2009, 2008.

B (5:48)

And I remember. I remember so much of that, that time. I mean, my brain works in funny ways. Like certain things I can't remember at all. My daughter complains I have a terrible memory, but I remember those back then. I remember in the office, sitting there with the two of you and some of the things that you guys were struggling with. Fast forward. You guys ended up getting divorced. And we worked together one on one a little bit. And then you went on your merry way, and I didn't hear from you again for a while. And then in 2017, I launched Ready for Love. And, oh. Lori surfaces, resurfaces, and reaches out and signs up for Ready for Love. You were one of the very first crop of women to sign up and go through the program.

A (6:26)

That sounds right. Cause you were pretty early on. Yes.

B (6:29)

Yes.

A (6:30)

Yeah.

B (6:30)

So tell everybody. Okay, so you had been single for about 10 years at that time. Or eight.

A (6:36)

It would have been about six or seven years.

B (6:38)

Yeah, six or seven years. And you reached out because what. What was going on with you? What were you struggling with? What was happening?

A (6:46)

I was cycling through the same relationship that was going nowhere for a long time. And I was also, like, meeting and dating other people. And specifically at that time, there was a guy who had reached out out of the blue, And I was smitten with him from, like, the very first moment I saw him. But he was a breadcrumber. And so he would reach out and I would get really excited, and then he'd be like, oh, I just want to be friends.

B (7:22)

And.

A (7:22)

And so I would, like, accept these little breadcrumbs. And the catalyst, really, for signing up for your program was Saturday. I was laying on the couch, and I had just gotten into an argument with a good male friend of mine the night before and completely out of character for me. And I was all alone, and I had just a string of, like, these kinds of interactions that my heart was just hurting, and I was taking it out on people. And I had another clarifying moment that something in my heart is broken. Something is broken. What I'm doing right now isn't working. And you and I had had a conversation right after that, and I just knew that I had to make an investment in myself. And what I was doing wasn't working and something drastic needed to shift.

B (8:22)

Yeah, I remember that conversation. I remember the enrollment conversation because I. Again, I remember those types of things for a lot of women because it's just so. It's like when you read a good book or you watch an amazing memoir or, you know, like, those things stick with us. Those stories stick with us. And I. Do you remember saying this? You were like. I was. We were talking about the investment, the actual financial investment to get started. And you're like, but, Hillary, I'm saving for a couch. And I was like, lori, do you want to save for a couch or do you want to invest in yourself and then buy a home together with somebody someday and fill it up with amazing furniture and blah, blah, blah? And here we are now, which. I'm not going to spoil the. We'll get to the.

A (9:03)

Well, okay. I was going to do a spoiler alert, but no, we'll.

B (9:06)

We'll wait to show that you remember that.

A (9:08)

I totally remember that. I think about that couch comment all the time.

B (9:14)

Yes. I tell people that story, too. Like, okay, there is a financial component, not just an emotional one and a psychological one and a wellness one and a. Well, like, there is a financial component because it is very expensive to live a single life, to retire on one income instead of two, to pay your bills by yourself instead of two, to travel on one. So, yeah, there is. And that was something that you. We had to talk about when you were getting started. And I know it was scary for you to invest in yourself because you're a single mom and your kids were still young at the time. Time.

A (9:46)

Yeah. Yeah, they were. What I have since learned from that experience is that I'm worth investing in and the couch, whatever will come and go, but. But I'm here. Like, I'm here to stay, and I'm worth investing in. And it was scary because my perception of money at that time was really wrapped up in security. If I have money, then I'm secure, but there are so many other things that I learned that helped me develop my own sense of security and having my own back and being my own best friend and that I can. I can make more money. I didn't think I could at the time, but I really could make more money.

B (10:33)

Yeah, well, and people say time is money, but you can always get. Make more money. You can never get time back and. Right. And when. When you invest in yourself and you grow yourself, you will make more money because you just become a better you. You're wiser, you're expanded you know, more. You're, you know, you're just. You have a greater capacity for all things. And so when you, Every time you invest in yourself, you are putting money back in your own pocket, without a doubt. So I love that. So I, I'm sure you've done a lot of other things since the program, because look where you are now. Like, you've done a blog, you've done coaching and consulting, and you've done a lot of things since then.

A (11:15)

I feel like consistency would. Is valuable, but then again, every single thing that I've done, I have taken away some kind of, as you call it, like a golden nugget. I have taken away something very, very valuable for myself, even if the thing didn't work out.

B (11:34)

Exactly. I've had those things, and I'm grateful for all of those things. And when you live with that mindset, you're never SC to take another risk, ever. Right.

A (11:45)

That's. That is a hundred percent true. Yes. Yeah.

B (11:49)

Because again, the Chinese finger trap, you can't control what happens with other people and what they do and the outcomes. So if you just relax and let that go and trust and have, have your own faith, whatever that is in the outcome really is about you and how you're handling yourself. You always get the win, no matter what.

A (12:08)

Yes. And so more recently, when I started listening to your podcast, it was in May, and I have been feeling very sedentary. So I'm like, I'm going to go outside and just go for a walk and, oh, look, I'll just listen to Hillary's podcast and all of these little pieces of wisdom and the remembering about being grateful for the hard things and remembering that I have my back and remembering that I'm worth investing in. They had all kind of built up to this decision to run for city council because it was a really scary thing. It's very outside of my comfort zone. But that alone, the Chinese finger trap, I can't. I can't control what other people think. I can't control if they vote for me, but I can have full control over how hard I work to do this. And if, if it doesn't work out, I will have gained so much knowledge about myself and so much knowledge about my city, because you can't run for city council without taking a deep dive into, like, the issues of the city and what's going on.

B (13:25)

Yeah.

A (13:25)

And so that knowledge, somewhere along the way is going to help me. That completely eases my anxiety. I mean, I have to psych myself up every day. I Have a beautiful journal that I write in every single day that that helps get my mind right and changes my mindset.

B (13:45)

Amazing. Is it the Daily Journal?

A (13:47)

It is the Daily Journal.

B (13:50)

It is a beautiful experience. Not only are you learning about yourself in the city, but you are stepping into your next level identity. You're growing yourself. It's who you're being in, in the experience of doing this. Seeing yourself handle things, seeing yourself respond to these things. You are growing every single time that you put yourself out there in this way. Let's go back to the program and talk about some of the big key takeaways. And I have one that I always talk about with people who are potentially enrolling when it comes up, and it's appropriate for their story. But tell us what were some of the really powerful things and where you were stuck and how it unlocked that for you.

A (14:34)

Yeah. So there's a couple things. When I first signed up for the program, there were about three or four nights that I woke up in the middle of the night completely freaked out by the investment I just made. I was in a faith community at that time that really kind of pushed back on this idea of self development. And. And I just was so worried that what I was going to learn was going to be against some of those things that I'd been taught and that I believed. And it wasn't that as much as having a conversation with you about it. And I finally. I couldn't take the no sleep anymore. So I was like, well, I. I have to have a conversation with Hillary about it. And I think that's one of the first times, really, that I had the courage to say what I was thinking and to. To say, like, something really hard and be vulnerable. And of course, you're Hillary. You were like, well, yeah, I totally get that. I understand. And let's talk about it and tell me more and tell me what you think. And that was a really great example for me, that I need to have the hard conversation and that regardless of how it went, I was going to be okay because I was so used to the idea that I was responsible for not making somebody mad or I was responsible for keeping them happy. And I learned to be responsible for me and my own feelings and my own experiences and asking for what I need. So that was lesson number one.

B (16:30)

And then I remember that conversation, by the way.

A (16:33)

Do you? I was.

B (16:34)

I was on. I was going on a walk in the neighborhood when we had that conversation. I remember exactly where we were when. When we were having that. Yeah. And I Remember, just. That was a profound moment for you. And it seems so simple that I didn't even realize the impact that it was gonna have on you. Cause, you know, it just seemed so foundational or fundamental to be able to have a conversation like that. But. But I. So I learned from you in that experience just how hard that can be for some women to do. When you celebrated that you did it and you said, I think that conversation was worth the entire investment alone. And I was like, okay, well, I had. I. I learned from you.

A (17:15)

Oh, like, that was such a pivotal moment. And so then to, like, learn about. You call it the sunny side up, but two distinct individuals that are not overlapping, but that can be two distinct individuals with their own feelings, thoughts, beliefs, behaviors that there is no ounce of, like, trying to control or. Or in, you know, you have influence, of course, in your relationship, but that you're not responsible for each other's feelings. And I just never thought about it like, that I had always felt responsible for all the people around me and that if I'm, like, quiet and laid back and sweet, that I can control their feelings in their day and that they could come home really moody and, like, sullen at the end of the day. And if I was, like, bright and sunny and cheery and had dinner, made that, like, oh, like, that will make him feel better. Right? And that one line I, you know, don't make me mad or you make me happy, that I learned that is the falsest statement that we say to each other, because I cannot control how you feel. But knowing that and owning that for myself, I could take responsibility for my feelings, that I stopped putting my moods on other people to make me happy. And I could take responsibility for my choices and my decisions. And that even in a relationship, I still get to be me, wholly uniquely me. And if the other person isn't here for it, that is a them problem and not a Lori problem.

B (19:22)

I want to highlight a couple things about that. I remember talking about with you once, about how you had said by kind of toning yourself down a little bit to appeal to a lot of people, it allowed you to not have to take responsibility for things. But then also, so it wouldn't be your fault.

A (19:44)

Right?

B (19:45)

But also maybe because you probably had a history of being blamed for things, but also you weren't then able to claim victory when it was right. So you were. I remember at that job at the time that you had. You stepped fully into a leadership role because of that. But knowing that and being okay with that and like, I'm gonna take responsibility for the things that don't work out because that allows me to then claim victory when it is my win. And, and I remember that. Do you remember that?

A (20:11)

I, I wrote. I remember it like it was yesterday because I think about it all the time still.

B (20:17)

Isn't it crazy how that what we're talking about really doesn't seem to have anything to do with, with dating and love and finding love. It really is about our individual selves. It really is.

A (20:27)

Yes. Yeah.

B (20:28)

That's why it's really just the impact is so far reaching.

A (20:31)

I take myself, you know, into my relationship, but I take myself into work in my relationship with my kids and dreaming and thinking about what I want and what I desire for the future. I have to know myself and I have to be okay with who I am in relationship to myself before I can do any of the other things that I do in my life effectively.

B (20:57)

Man, are you doing it well. So one more thing that I remember that I want to share and you see if you remember this too. I remember when you were dating, you were trying to decide, do I need to be with somebody who shares my faith? Because faith is very important to you. And you were afraid to date somebody who didn't share your faith because you were afraid if you were with somebody who didn't share your faith, you would lose it. Because that's what had happened in your marriage. And we had a long conversation about, well, why is this important to you? It's. Maybe it's okay if it is important to you, but we don't want you to just feel like you have to date with somebody of the same faith because you will afraid you'll lose yourself. And so. Right. You still ended up deciding that was important to you, but because it was something not fear based but just by choice.

A (21:52)

Right.

B (21:52)

And, and, and the, the. Do you remember what the solution was? Like how you were able to. Do you remember that?

A (21:58)

I think what I remember is you telling me it's kind of like, like because, because this is really important to you. You've decided that you've determined that. It's kind of like two people decided one person wants to have kids and the other one doesn't. Like you have to decide how you and this other person move forward together. But it is, but it is a decision that I make and only I make. Right. Like my faith community doesn't make this decision for me. I make the decision for me. Yeah, that relationship didn't work out, but I think it really had very little to do with the faith component. And it just, we were just two people who weren't going to work out ultimately.

B (22:47)

And I'm saying this for the everybody who's listening is you don't have to be afraid of losing yourself in any relationship. When you promise yourself you'll never do it. It's really up to you. So you could have chosen somebody with a different faith if that. If, you know, you could have done that because you know Lori will never do that to herself ever again. That is up to you. Self betrayal and losing pieces of you in a relationship that are important to you isn't something that somebody else can do. That is only something that we do to ourselves. So when you, when you get your own back and you know that you'll never do that, you don't have to pick somebody of, of the same faith or same. Anything from a fear based reason.

A (23:33)

Right.

B (23:33)

It's. Yeah. Ultimately you decided it was still important to you anyway, but which great. You know, but it's not from a place of fear, which I love for you.

A (23:44)

Yeah. I learned what I value. And I can't quote you back to you because you, you articulated it so well. But I made that decision for myself.

B (23:56)

Yeah.

A (23:57)

And I, I have my own back. I can be in relationships with people and still be me because that's important to me. I value that. I value my authenticity and I value my integrity. But I just had an aha while you were saying that, so nicely done.

B (24:19)

You should talk more often. Let's just talk more often. So let's fast forward and spoiler. Okay, so tell everybody where you're at now.

A (24:28)

So I did end up getting that new couch, but I bought it with my husband for our new home. And I met this really kind, lovely human being in 2020 at a golf tournament. And I had a couple drinks. I wasn't driving. I knew that I was okay. I didn't have my kids, all the things. And I see this, this guy sitting at a table with some friends of mine. And I said, you know, hey, friend, is your, is your friend here single? And he of course heard me because he's sitting right there. And he said, why, yes, I am. And I said, mm, well, you need to ask me out to dinner. And he goes, okay, would you like to go out to dinner with me? And I said, well, of course. So that was that. It was, you know, 2020 was a hard, like, dating year. And I was feeling discouraged and fluffy and like, in all the ways. And I was like, why are single men not Asking me out. So I just, like, took the bull by the horns and told him he needed to ask me out to dinner.

B (25:42)

Okay, so that. That is sexy. Okay? It just is. It doesn't matter how fluffy you might have been. That is irresistible. And I never heard that story before. I love it.

A (25:55)

Yeah, it was irresistible to me, too. And, you know, the thing about him, I never had, like, big fireworks and lots of warm fuzzies and, like, all the major things, and so I kind of doubted myself. But I've had fireworks and warm fuzzies and, like, all the things, and for the very wrong reasons. Right. So the most valuable lesson I came away from that is the makeup of our brain. And you'll know way more about this, but, like, just because it's familiar doesn't mean it's safe. And so I was gravitating toward relationships that felt familiar, that they weren't safe. And so when he came around, I knew intellectually because I learned from the program what safe looks like in a relationship and how do I feel when I'm in this relationship with him. And I felt great. And the thought of not going on another date with him made me really sad. And so I kind of decided for myself that the fireworks were the wrong. They're the wrong indication. And that what I really felt was, like, myself. And I could laugh and I could joke, and we walked side by side versus previous relationships, where they'd always be in a hurry and they'd walk ahead of me, or I knew every time I saw him, he was going to be in a good mood and he was happy to see me. And to this day, day, we've been together for five years. He never comes home moody. He never comes home passive aggressive. He is always happy to see me. And we do our best work on the couch. We have the best conversations. At the end of the day, he has my back. He's really the reason that I. That I have this belief in myself that I can run for city council. And it's not that I didn't, but he reinforces that, like, of course you can. What? Of course you can.

B (28:15)

Champion.

A (28:16)

Yes.

B (28:16)

Yeah.

A (28:16)

You got this. Like, I've got your back. You've got this.

B (28:20)

That is a secure man who can affirm you and not try to hold you back or possess you or control you and just wants to see you shine and is secure in himself. Like, I love him. I love you. I love him because he loves you. Yes.

A (28:37)

He is very secure in himself. And I can tell because he's not trying to compete with me or one up me or one up my stories. I learned from you to look for what I want, and I had to learn what that looked like. I had to learn what healthy looked like. And so I learned to look for what I want and not look at what I don't want. Like, oh, I don't want an alcoholic. Oh, I don't want a narcissist. Oh, I don't want. I started looking at what I want, and really, that's how I became so attracted to this person that, like, deeply just. He fills me up in so many ways because he is healthy and he sees you and so kind. And he. We play golf together. He doesn't go run off and play golf, you know, on Saturday afternoon with just the guys. And it. He wants me there because he enjoys my company. We play poker together. We have date night every Wednesday night. It's local poker at the. At the pub. And he. He enjoy. He likes me. He enjoys my company. And weirdly, like, there are guys out there who actually enjoy women's company.

B (30:05)

Yeah, well. And I know, again, it doesn't sound all that revolutionary, but honestly, when you've had a history of not experiencing that in relationships, it feels like a foreign. Until it doesn't anymore. And what you're talking about is the journey using the journaling to reprogram yourself. It is this mag tool. It's hard to explain it sometimes, but it is a magical tool to change the way you think and see the world and see yourself and to level up your mindset and your thoughts and change your identity and. And then you get what you want.

A (30:43)

You.

B (30:44)

You got this person in your life because you became that version of Lori who was ready to receive that. Okay, so now let's brag on you and celebrate. So I just love that you went from I don't want to be seen to. I'm stepping fully into the political arena where I'm going to be scrutinized. And really putting yourself out there. That is badass. It is badass.

A (31:07)

I. One of my affirmations to myself that I write in. In that day, in our daily. In our daily journal.

B (31:14)

It's ours.

A (31:15)

It's ours is I am fearless, unafraid, and unintimidated. I write it to myself every day. That's partially hyping myself, but it is truly changing the way I think about how I respond to criticism and people who have different opinions and all of the angry people on Facebook. I am fearless, unafraid, and unintimidated. It has truly helped me step into a new identity of somebody who can be vulnerable and who can share my opinion. I would never share my opinion with people, because what if they disagree with me, you know? And worse, what if they think less of me? And it really is a. I. My mindset has changed, like, a full 180 degrees that it's okay for me to have an opinion. In fact, it's important for me to have an opinion, because that's how you get shit done on city council, but that's how I get shit done at my job and in my family. And people need to hear what I have to say so they can make a decision about whether or not to elect me into city council. Yeah, it's out of my comfort zone, no doubt about it. But I'm getting there every day. I'm more fearless, more unafraid. I'm more unintimidated. That makes a big difference.

B (32:51)

It does. Oh, my God. I'm trying not to cry. I'm so proud of you. I can't. I'm just so, so happy for you and bringing it back to the program. Like, I just. When I was developing this, I don't even think I realized how powerful it was going to be. I knew it was going to be great. But look at this. Like, you are a shining star. You always were and just didn't know it, but now you know it and you own it, and you walk around blinding everybody where you go and, you know, a magnet for positivity. And I, if I were living there, I would vote for you ten times over. Seriously, everybody who's in our area needs to vote for you. And you're just. You're just amazing. And I'm so happy for your. You and your family, and. And I can't wait to see what happens.

A (33:44)

I remember a conversation sitting in your office in private therapy. And you and I, I think we're towards the end of our therapy together, and so we were kind of dreaming a little bit about, like, what our futures were going to look like. And you said, I want to be. I want to be like Oprah, right? Like somebody who shares my knowledge and my wisdom, but on a bigger scale. And whenever I, like, listen to your podcast and whenever I see your work on social media, whenever I hear about your Ready for Love program, I think about the woman you knew you could be, and. And here you are. But more than that, I have a lot of, like, suspicion around, like, group think and, like, getting too involved in listening to one teacher or one expert but your, what you provide and what you teach women has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with what I'm capable of and what every woman is capable of. And I find myself repeating, you know, your advice, like, you can trust yourself. You have your own back. Of course what you're doing is scary, but you're going to be okay because you've got your own back. And it's, it is a way of celebrating other women to encourage them so they know that, that whatever they want to do, whoever they want to be, is, is up to them and they get to decide. And I love being part of this, like, community of alumni who all kind of speak the same language, but also like, we get to celebrate each other.

B (35:44)

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you so much for saying that. Yeah, I, I don't remember that, that ending conversation in the therapy room. But I have had to do my own work to get here. I walk the walk too, every day. You know, I'm expanding and growing and checking in with my own mindset and my own blocks and doing my own journaling. And so, yeah, we're in it together. And you're right. I love when I, when I do this work with one woman, I know she's gonna go and share it in her world. And it's just, I love it. So thank you for being a part of it and thanks for coming on the show to share your experience. It takes a lot of courage to do that. So another notch in the belt.

A (36:25)

Yeah.

B (36:27)

Thanks, Lori. And if anybody wants to find out about what you're up to, where can they find you right now?

A (36:34)

Well, if you live in the Commerce City area, you can go to lori4commerce city.com that's where you'll learn all about my platform. But on the non profit side, I am incredibly passionate about education. You can find out about the Adams 14 Education foundation at adams14foundation.org.

B (37:00)

Great. Thanks for sharing all of that. And of course, that's all Denver metro area. It's local, but we have people in the area, so why not? Okay. Thanks, my love. I appreciate you being here and sharing your story.

A (37:11)

I appreciate you too.