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Today we're talking about something a lot of people do, something that is incredibly damaging to themselves and to their relationships. But it's very subtle. In fact, many of you listening right now could be doing this to some degree and don't even realize it. Or maybe you do realize it, but you don't know how to stop doing it. Or you even think that it's a strength that helps you navigate the world. But I'm going to tell you, doing this is actually destroying your ability to. To experience real love and real connection in all of your relationships. So let's get into it. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Okay, so what am I talking about? On the surface, it's caring what other people think of you, wanting to be liked and accepted to the degree that you perform or edit yourself and act like a chameleon and a shapeshifter, as I call it. So you meet a man you're interested in and he has real potential. So you get a spark of excitement and hope and you're on a first date or a few dates in and you're turning on the charm. You're agreeing with him, even if you don't actually agree. You're downplaying parts of yourself that you think might be too much and wonder what he likes in a woman. I once had a client ask me, I wonder what kind of woman that guy likes. Or maybe you're in a relationship and you caretake, or you accommodate his family to keep the peace. Or win them over. And this looks like doing things you don't really want to do, going out of your way to impress them with generosity or being thoughtful or even carefully curating what you say and how you say. Or maybe it's with groups of women, his friends, wives, your book club meeting, new women. Maybe you don't fully trust them, or you want to fit in and belong. So. So you bend or dilute yourself if you're thinking, oh, that's not me, I'm just being considerate. I'm just reading the room. Stick with me. Because what you are thinking as being slow to warm up, as some women say, might actually be one of the worst forms of self betrayal. Here's what I want you to understand. There is a difference between social intelligence and completely abandoning yourself to win favor. One is an art and a skill, and the other is destroying your relationships from the inside out. So let's go behind the scenes into the psychology of why you do this. Or some people do this, because there are deep subconscious patterns that drive this behavior. And then, most importantly, I'm giving you the real talk truth that you need to hear to finally stop performing and start being yourself all the time, no matter who you're with. Because that's the only way real love and true, genuine connection is possible. So. So what's really going on here? Why do smart, successful, amazing women do this? From a psychological perspective, this behavior stems from a core wound around worthiness and belonging. Usually in childhood, you learned that love and acceptance were conditional, that you had to be a certain way, say certain things, perform in a certain manner to be worthy of love. Maybe you had a volatile parent and you learned to read their moods and become whoever you needed to be to fly under the radar. You made yourself small or invisible to stay safe. Maybe you had a critical parent and you learned that only the good or successful parts of you were acceptable and worthy of acknowledging. Maybe you experienced rejection, abandonment, or neglect, and you internalized the message that the real you wasn't enough or deserving of love or attention. This can come from moving around a lot and needing to make new friends in those critical teen years. The those kinds of early experiences inform us and teach us who to be, how to be, what to be, and it becomes deeply embedded in our beliefs and our narratives about who we are. It's our identity. And so you developed this survival strategy, and it goes something like this. Figure out what they want, become that, get approval, and stay safe. And it worked. You survived, right? As a kid, it kept you safe. It helped you navigate unpredictable or unsafe environments. It helped you, your needs met at the time. But now as an adult, that same strategy is no longer serving you, and it's actually sabotaging your relationships. What you're doing is seeking external validation to fill an internal void. You're trying to get other people to confirm that you're worthy enough and acceptable. But of course, this never works to actually fill the void. Because even when they do approve of you, even when they do like you, you know deep down because that they don't actually know the real you. So the approval that you're getting doesn't even count. It doesn't land. It doesn't satisfy. It's that itch deep down that just cannot be scratched, a thirst that cannot be quenched. You're still starving, no matter how much you feed the emptiness from the outside. And you're left feeling lonely even when.