← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
#96: This “Nice Girl” Habit Is Destroying Your Relationships
00:20:30
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Today we're talking about something a lot of people do, something that is incredibly damaging to themselves and to their relationships. But it's very subtle. In fact, many of you listening right now could be doing this to some degree and don't even realize it. Or maybe you do realize it, but you don't know how to stop doing it. Or you even think that it's a strength that helps you navigate the world. But I'm going to tell you, doing this is actually destroying your ability to. To experience real love and real connection in all of your relationships. So let's get into it. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Ready for Love podcast. Okay, so what am I talking about? On the surface, it's caring what other people think of you, wanting to be liked and accepted to the degree that you perform or edit yourself and act like a chameleon and a shapeshifter, as I call it. So you meet a man you're interested in and he has real potential. So you get a spark of excitement and hope and you're on a first date or a few dates in and you're turning on the charm. You're agreeing with him, even if you don't actually agree. You're downplaying parts of yourself that you think might be too much and wonder what he likes in a woman. I once had a client ask me, I wonder what kind of woman that guy likes. Or maybe you're in a relationship and you caretake, or you accommodate his family to keep the peace. Or win them over. And this looks like doing things you don't really want to do, going out of your way to impress them with generosity or being thoughtful or even carefully curating what you say and how you say. Or maybe it's with groups of women, his friends, wives, your book club meeting, new women. Maybe you don't fully trust them, or you want to fit in and belong. So. So you bend or dilute yourself if you're thinking, oh, that's not me, I'm just being considerate. I'm just reading the room. Stick with me. Because what you are thinking as being slow to warm up, as some women say, might actually be one of the worst forms of self betrayal. Here's what I want you to understand. There is a difference between social intelligence and completely abandoning yourself to win favor. One is an art and a skill, and the other is destroying your relationships from the inside out. So let's go behind the scenes into the psychology of why you do this. Or some people do this, because there are deep subconscious patterns that drive this behavior. And then, most importantly, I'm giving you the real talk truth that you need to hear to finally stop performing and start being yourself all the time, no matter who you're with. Because that's the only way real love and true, genuine connection is possible. So. So what's really going on here? Why do smart, successful, amazing women do this? From a psychological perspective, this behavior stems from a core wound around worthiness and belonging. Usually in childhood, you learned that love and acceptance were conditional, that you had to be a certain way, say certain things, perform in a certain manner to be worthy of love. Maybe you had a volatile parent and you learned to read their moods and become whoever you needed to be to fly under the radar. You made yourself small or invisible to stay safe. Maybe you had a critical parent and you learned that only the good or successful parts of you were acceptable and worthy of acknowledging. Maybe you experienced rejection, abandonment, or neglect, and you internalized the message that the real you wasn't enough or deserving of love or attention. This can come from moving around a lot and needing to make new friends in those critical teen years. The those kinds of early experiences inform us and teach us who to be, how to be, what to be, and it becomes deeply embedded in our beliefs and our narratives about who we are. It's our identity. And so you developed this survival strategy, and it goes something like this. Figure out what they want, become that, get approval, and stay safe. And it worked. You survived, right? As a kid, it kept you safe. It helped you navigate unpredictable or unsafe environments. It helped you, your needs met at the time. But now as an adult, that same strategy is no longer serving you, and it's actually sabotaging your relationships. What you're doing is seeking external validation to fill an internal void. You're trying to get other people to confirm that you're worthy enough and acceptable. But of course, this never works to actually fill the void. Because even when they do approve of you, even when they do like you, you know deep down because that they don't actually know the real you. So the approval that you're getting doesn't even count. It doesn't land. It doesn't satisfy. It's that itch deep down that just cannot be scratched, a thirst that cannot be quenched. You're still starving, no matter how much you feed the emptiness from the outside. And you're left feeling lonely even when.
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You'Re surrounded by people.
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You're not good enough, despite all outward appearances of success. Because in your desperate search for external validation for Acceptance for approval, for belonging. You abandoned yourself in the process. You literally leave yourself behind just to fit in. So I have a visual for you. Imagine this scene. The real you is standing there on the street. And this other version of you, the performed you, walks away from the real you to be part of the in crowd, leaving you standing there betrayed and left behind. You are doing that to yourself. You're choosing the approval of others over being loyal to yourself, being true to you and getting your own back. You're seeking their approval over your own approval of yourself. All the external validation in the world won't satiate that hunger. Only you can do that for yourself. And when you do, when you finally give yourself the acceptance and the belonging that you've been seeking from everyone else, the starvation ceases to exist. The scavenging for scraps and crumbs from others ends. So listen to me. Right now, you already belong. You always have. Because you belong to yourself. You belong anywhere you want to be because it is inside of you. And all that you seek is already inside of you. You just have to claim it, choose it and declare. Just has to be done by you or the chasing will never end. And if all of that isn't enough to motivate you to work on changing this pattern, maybe the fallout and the consequences will. Because the costs of doing this are very high. First, it causes profound loneliness. Loneliness at the soul level. You can be surrounded by a room full of people who are your friends or people that think know you. But when you've never been truly witnessed or seen for who you really are, that is a soul level loneliness. You're never seen for who you really are. Only the false projected you. The you you want everyone to see. Because that version of you is the one that they like and accept. You might have relationships and you might be surrounded by the people, but you're still lonely because no one actually knows the real you. I created the Daily Journal because I wanted a simple, powerful way to help women change their inner world and start creating different results. This is a digital, downloadable, 90 day journal built directly from the work I teach every day. You're guided through simple prompts and practices that train your mind, shift your self.
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Talk and reconnect you to what you actually want.
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It is focused, it is intentional and it works when you use it. Starting January 1st, we're kicking this off together with a seven day accountability challenge. The challenge is free and the magic is is in doing it together. Seven days to build momentum, lock in the habit and feel yourself moving forward. Instead of stuck. I've watched women use this practice to create real change, more clarity, more confidence, healthy relationships and a stronger sense of self. Momentum starts quickly when you give yourself a structure that supports you. The journal is just $47 and it includes the full 90 day practice plus the seven day challenge. We will start together. If you want to begin 2026 with intention and forward motion, join us at readyforloveinc.com challenge momentum changes everything, and this is how it starts when it comes.
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To holiday gifting, I want to give things people actually use and love.
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That's why I'm going with Quint because.
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They make exceptionally high quality essentials at.
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A price within reach.
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For my annual Favorite Things gift exchange, I already know what I'm bringing the Australian merino wool duster cardigan. I have this myself and what I love is that it's comfortable, cozy, it.
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Has pockets and the fit is flowy.
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And forgiving, but which makes it such an easy gift because you're not stressed about sizing. Quint has something for everyone. Soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50 that look and feel like designer pieces. Silk tops and skirts for dressing up, perfectly cut denim for everyday wear and outerwear that actually keeps you warm. And they go way beyond apparel. Quint has beautiful pieces for home, bath, kitchen and travel too, so you can bring that same elevated quality into more moments of your day. Find gifts so good you'll want to keep them for yourself with quints. Go to quint.com readyforlove for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's quince.com q u I n c e.com ready for love to get free shipping and 365 day returns.
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Second, it causes anxiety because you can't possibly know what everyone wants from you all the time, so you're always guessing and worrying about who you need to be at any given moment to please each different person in your life or whoever crosses your path. This means you have no certainty or calm in your life because you're always on alert trying to figure out what to do or how to be. Third, it's a distraction. You can't just be present and just be yourself because you're constantly in your head analyzing and thinking about who you need to be rather than just being you're not able to be just fully engaged in the moment. You're not fully there because you're too busy trying to figure it out and performing. Fourth, your relationships are built on a facade A faulty foundation. That is the lie of who you've misrepresented yourself to be. I know that's a big pill to swallow, but it's true. It's only a matter of time before it all crumbles and comes crashing to the ground. Because how long can can you keep that up? The foundation is full of cracks. And even when someone says they love you, you don't fully trust it because you know they don't actually know you. They love the version you've shown them, not the real you. So you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always worried that if they saw the real you, they'd leave. Fifth, you actually end up creating the very rejection you are so desperately trying to avoid. Because most people can see, sniff out this inauthenticity. And when you have something to hide, you won't let anyone close for fear that they'll see you're not who you're pretending to be. I know that's a mouthful, but take that in. So you keep people at arm's length and you never let them in fully. And that distance contributes to unfulfilling relationships. And that leads to affairs and all kinds of other problems in relationships, including their demise. So do you see the irony? The thing that you're doing to protect yourself from rejection is the very thing that's guaranteeing it. Here's something most people don't realize that they're doing. Mind reading. You think you can read minds. You walk into a situation, a date, a family dinner, a group of women, and you immediately start assessing, what do they want from me? What will they approve of? What will they reject? What do they like? And then you adjust accordingly. When I say it like that, it makes perfect sense. Of course you're not actually reading minds. You're just projecting. You're guessing and you're making assumptions based on your own fears and insecurities. And then you're shape shifting based on those assumptions, which may not even be accurate. They're not even real. So now you're not just being inauthentic. You're being inauthentic based on a story that you made up in your own head. So see how much more troubling and destructive this issue is. So much more than most people realize, and it's why we are talking about it today. So let's knock it off and stop doing this. Here is what you need to understand to stop performing and start just being yourself. One, you cannot control what other people think of you. And trying to is manipulation I know that's hard to hear, but it is true. When you are carefully curating your words, your opinions, your personality to get someone to like you, you are actually manipulating them and the outcome. You're trying to control their perception of you, and you just simply cannot, nor should you even try. People are going to think what they're going to think, and the only thing that you can control is who you are and how you show up. 2. You're placing more value on their opinion of you than on your own. Why do you care so much about what his mother thinks of you? Or what those women at book club think? Why does their approval matter more than your own approval of yourself? This is the real issue. As we talked about. You've externalized your sense of worth. You've made other people the arbiters of whether you are good enough. But here's the truth. Your opinion of you matters more than anyone else's opinion of you. Let me say that again. Your opinion of you matters more more than anyone else's opinion of you. In fact, your opinion of you is the only one that matters at all. 3. When you're just being yourself, not everyone will like you. And you have to be okay with that. This is the hard truth that a lot of people struggle with. And you have to accept this. Not everyone is going to like you. And that is not only okay, it's necessary. Because when you're trying to appeal to everyone, you, you appeal to no one. The people who are meant for you, who resonate with the real you, they'll find you. They will love you, and they will choose you. And the people who don't were never your people anyway. 4. Real love and connection is only possible when you're being yourself. I know this sounds very basic and true, but it needs to be stated again and again. If you want a man to truly love you, he has to actually know you. You. Not the performance, not the edited version, the real you. And if you want his family to accept you, they need to see the real you, not the shape shifted perfect version. If you want friendships with women, you have to show up authentically, not as the chameleon. But here's what's even scarier. Living your entire life performing for approval and never experiencing real love. That would be the biggest waste and shame of all. 5. The relationship that you need to fix is the one you have with yourself. This isn't actually about other people at all. It is about you. It's about the relationship you have with yourself, how you think about yourself. How you feel about yourself, what you believe about yourself. When you truly like and accept yourself, when you know your own worth, you stop needing external validation and you stop performing because you're no longer trying to prove anything. You can just be and that is enough. So the work here isn't about learning how to care less what other people think. Instead, it's about learning how to value your own opinion of yourself more. It's about healing the core wound that says you're not enough as you are, that there's a different way to be to be acceptable. It's about building an unshakable sense of self worth that doesn't depend on anyone else's approval. That that is the real work. So what does it actually look like to stop performing and start being yourself? It looks like going on a date and sharing your real opinions, even if they're different from his. It looks like meeting his family and being your normal expressive self. Even if you're worried they will think you are too much. Let it all hang out and let the chips fall where they may. It looks like walking into a room of women and not immediately calculating who you need to be to fit into this group. It looks like saying actually I disagree. It looks like not laughing at jokes that aren't funny. It looks like wearing what you want to wear, not what you think they'll approve of or what's acceptable to the group. It looks like not laughing at jokes that aren't funny. It looks like wearing what you want to wear that makes you feel amazing, not what you think they will approve of. It looks like trusting that the people who are meant for you will like you as you are. And yes, some people won't like you and some people will even judge you. But those are the people that we don't care about anyway. And also some people, the right people will fall madly in love with all of who you are, quirks and all. Thanks for listening today. See you next time.
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When it comes to holiday gifting, I want to give things people actually use and love.
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That's why I'm going with Quince, because.
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They make exceptionally high quality essentials at.
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A price within reach.
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For my annual Favorite Things gift exchange, I already know what I'm bringing the Australian merino wool duster cardigan. I have this myself and what I love is that it's comfortable, cozy, it.
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Has pockets and the fit is flowy.
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And forgiving, which makes it such an easy gift. Because you're not stressed about sizing, Quince has something for everyone. Soft Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50 that look and feel like designer pieces. Silk tops and skirts for dressing up, perfectly cut denim for everyday wear and outerwear that actually keeps you warm. And they go way beyond apparel. Quince has beautiful pieces for home, bath, kitchen and travel, too, so you can bring that same elevated quality into more moments of your day. Find gifts so good you'll want to keep them for yourself with quints. Go to quince.com readyforlove for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's quince.com q u I n c e.com readyforlove to get free shipping and 365 day returns.