← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
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Hilary Silver
This may sound crazy, but everything you've been told about how to free yourself from anxiety is probably making it worse. That's because all of the mainstream advice is focused on treating the uncomfortable symptoms of anxiety, such as get plenty of sleep, exercise regularly, count backwards from five, take meds, and my favorite, meditate. Because it's nearly impossible to meditate when you have anxiety and your brain is like a runaway train. Here's the thing. Symptom control does not cure anxiety and it will only keep you stuck dealing with it for the rest of your life. The restlessness, agitation, being distracted, feeling uneasy, this discomfort that you have, this dis ease in your body, and living with a chronic low grade hum in the background or worse, full on panic attacks. And in my opinion, that is just no way to live. So here is what no one else is actually saying. The the truth is that anxiety is in itself a symptom. It is a symptom of a much bigger and deeper problem. And until you start addressing what causes anxiety in the first place, it will never go away and you'll never really be able to solve such a solvable problem. So I'm going to do that for you in the next seven minutes. I know that sounds like a bold statement, but it's actually that simple. Because we're going to go to the root of of what actually causes anxiety in the first place so you can solve it once and for all at the source. Hi, it's Hilary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. For me, anxiety would hit the hardest in the middle of the night. Because during the day I can distract myself with work and family and life. But once my head hit that pillow and it was just me and my brain alone in the dark, it would be pretty bad. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. You're lying there exhausted and you just want to sleep so badly. Badly. Especially so that you can function the next day. But your brain decides this is the perfect time to think about all the things you've been avoiding or too busy to think about during the day. What if this happens? What if that happens? Why did you do that? Why didn't you do that? Maybe you should do this thing instead. Or that thing instead. For me, this is the moment that my inner critic would strike, because of course she would. My defenses are down. I swear, it's the worst to start beating up on myself for not doing better or not knowing better. It's hard to make it stop in those moments. Like almost impossible. It's like torture. And in those deep, dark Soul of the night moments. What made it worse for me is how isolating it would feel. It's like the loneliest night on earth when it seems like everyone else in the world is sound asleep and you're the only one up worrying and stressing and feeling stuck, unable to do anything about it because it's 2am I have felt in those moments like I needed a lifeline, someone or something to pull me out of that mental quicksand. It's no surprise that anxiety is the leading cause of insomnia. So yes, it is worth addressing the symptoms of anxiety because it's very uncomfortable and inconvenient. However, if that is all that you are doing to deal with anxiety, there will be plenty more sleepless nights and all the other symptoms that you have to live with that just keep you from living your highest quality of life. As I said earlier, and what no one else is really saying is that as problematic as anxiety is, it is not the real problem. It is itself a symptom. It's the symptom of a much deeper issue that is being ignored, denied and repressed. I call it a secondary problem, not the primary problem. It's a secondary emotion, not the primary emotion. And then the secondary problem becomes the focus of all your attention because it's easier to deal with. Interestingly enough, it becomes a distraction from the deeper issue that is more profound and perhaps more challenging to actually deal with. There are a lot of other similar secondary problems, like weight problems or alcohol problems that hijack your attention, so you focus on it rather than what is causing the problem in the first place. The primary problem, anxiety, is like your warning indicator. Light going off, alarm bells going off. And what it is, it's your deep self. Your deep self and your body's way to get your attention. It's screaming at you to listen and pay attention. It says, hello, something is going on. I need you. Help me. Hey you. You're not dealing with this, so I'm going to make you really uncomfortable. Until you deal with this real problem that we have right now and until the primary problem is dealt with, Anx anxiety will just never, ever go away. So what is the primary problem? You're wondering what I've come to know, like really, truly know to be true. Because I've experienced this for myself and in witnessing the transformation for my clients over the last 25 years. Is this anxiety is caused by one thing and one thing only. Your unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship with yourself. Likely you have spent years betraying yourself, dismissing yourself Neglecting and abandoning yourself, not listening to yourself, not being your true self in this world, and not doing what you need to do to get your own back and make yourself a priority. You've ignored your own feelings, disregarded your intuition, doubted yourself, haven't given yourself the well deserved credit for all that you are, who you are and what you are capable of. Let that sink in for just a moment. And let me ask you this. How can you actually trust yourself when you've betrayed yourself like this over and over again? But here's the good news in all of this and how we are going to eliminate your anxiety forever. If you've been tuning into my podcast, in my videos, then you've heard me say this a lot. You are the problem here. Yes, you. And that also means that you are also the solution and have the power to solve this for yourself right now, right here and right now. It is literally a decision. You can decide to change this relationship that you have with yourself and develop a rock solid, unconditional, unshakable relationship with yourself. Which is to know that no matter what happens in this life, you can trust yourself to handle it. You can rely on yourself to do what is required and whatever it takes to keep you safe and protected. You give yourself the certainty you need, the safety you need. You guarantee yourself that your needs will be met, your values will be honored, and your boundaries will be respected. All of that is up to you, by the way, and no one else. Which is how you know it will be done. Because you are in control of this. It's not up to anyone else. You provide yourself all the certainty you would ever need to be reassured and relaxed and calm. There's no need to worry about all the possible future scenarios when you know that whatever comes your way, you've got this and you'll handle it and you'll always do what is best for you, even if it's the hard thing or the unpopular thing, and even if it just means getting the right help for yourself. So in situations where you're presented with something you've never done before, you may feel a bit anxious, unsure and uneasy. But those moments don't become anxiety because it's your cue to reconnect with yourself and remember just who the fuck you are. Those sleepless nights would happen when worrying about my kids and how I parented or with my business when the stakes were high. But the lowest common denominator really was that I was unsure of myself more than anything. But now I remember who I am, that even though I May not have done this thing before, or I don't have all the answers, or I may not get it exactly right in the end, I will be okay no matter what, because I've got me. When you can lean back and rest assured, everything will be okay because you've got you. You will be okay. You are the hero that you need to swoop in and save the day. What if you could feel that way about yourself? What if your inner critic would shut the hell up and all you ever heard in that pretty little head of yours is this, you've got this. It'll all be okay. I'll be okay no matter what happens. How life changing would that be? When you have those situations that provoke you and you feel anxious, even just for a moment, know that this is information for you. Rather than push it down, turn away from it, suppress it, avoid it, eat the feelings, drink the feelings, shop the feelings or busy them away. Anxiety is the repression of all of that. Instead, turn towards the anxiety with curiosity and ask yourself, what is it about this situation that makes me feel like I can't handle it? That is one of the most powerful questions you can ever ask yourself. Ask yourself, what am I avoiding right now? What is this that I'm feeling that I really don't wanna feel? What is my anxiety trying to tell me? Remember, anxiety is your warning indicator light going off. If an indicator light was going off in your car, you wouldn't just ignore it. You would actually look at your manual and figure out what is. What's the problem? Why do we do this to ourselves? The antidote here, the way to get rid of anxiety forever is to use your anxiety as a warning indicator light. It's your cue to check in with yourself. Listen to yourself and ask yourself all of those questions. Trust yourself and remind yourself who you are. It's a vow, it's a promise, and a declaration. I've got this. I'll be okay no matter what. So do the work to repair this relationship that you have with yourself and this relationship that has endured so much betrayal and conditional love. This is what will free you from anxiety forever. I promise. Change the relationship that you have with yourself. Because when you do so, it doesn't just change your life, it changes everything. If you enjoyed this conversation, you will really like the five core concepts of the Self Centered Movement, which are episodes 39 to 43. I will put the link in the show notes and on YouTube. It's the playlist called Start here. As always, I appreciate you being here more than you'll ever know. And I hope to see you next time.