Summary of "Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)" - The Hilary Silver Podcast
Introduction
In the episode titled "Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)," hosted by Hilary Silver, listeners are guided through an introspective journey examining the subtle regrets that accumulate in daily life. Drawing from her extensive 25-year experience in counseling and coaching high-functioning individuals, Hilary delves into the common pitfalls that prevent people from living authentically and fulfilling lives. This episode serves as a wake-up call to recognize and address these micro regrets before they culminate in profound dissatisfaction.
1. Understanding "Regrets of the Living"
Hilary begins by distinguishing between the more commonly discussed regrets faced near the end of life and the "regrets of the living" that individuals carry day-to-day. These micro regrets are insidious, gradually eroding one's peace, confidence, and self-worth without always being overtly recognized.
Notable Quote:
"We talk a lot about the regrets people have when they're dying, but what I hear every single day are the regrets of the living. Micro regrets that they carry every single day."
— Hilary Silver [00:00]
2. First Common Regret: Abandoning Oneself
Hilary identifies the most prevalent daily regret as the abandonment of oneself, which manifests in two significant ways:
a. Allowing and Tolerating Unfair Treatment
Many women tolerate being dismissed, disrespected, criticized, or misunderstood by others—be it partners, teachers, friends, or in-laws—without asserting themselves. This silence and inaction lead to internalized resentment and diminished self-worth.
Notable Quote:
"The biggest Regret you weren't there for yourself when you needed you the most. That is abandonment of the worst kind because you did it to yourself."
— Hilary Silver [Various Sections]
b. Leaving Oneself Behind (Shapeshifting)
Driven by the desire for acceptance and validation, individuals often alter their true selves to fit others' expectations. This "shapeshifting" results in the neglect of one's identity and joy, leading to a profound sense of loss and dissatisfaction.
Notable Quote:
"These are daily acts of self abandonment. It's quiet, it's invisible, but the toll is heavy because it adds up over time."
— Hilary Silver [Various Sections]
Actionable Insight: Hilary emphasizes the importance of choosing oneself incrementally to prevent long-term regret, advocating for small, consistent steps towards self-assertion and authenticity.
3. Second Common Regret: Regret Over How One Shows Up
The next prevalent regret revolves around not being one's best self. This includes behaviors such as being short-tempered, dismissive, snappy, judgmental, or distracted—often resulting from overwork, overwhelm, and over-scheduling. The relentless pursuit to be everything for everyone leads to personal depletion and missed opportunities for meaningful connections.
Notable Quote:
"You can't give what you don't have. You can't be patient, present or powerful when your tank is empty."
— Hilary Silver [Various Sections]
Personal Anecdote: Hilary shares her own struggles with parenting, highlighting years of exhaustion and depletion that led to instances where she fell short, particularly in modeling patience and presence for her children.
Actionable Insight: To avoid this regret, Hilary advises listeners to protect their energy zealously, avoid glorifying burnout, and prioritize self-care to maintain the capacity to give genuinely to others.
4. Third Common Regret: Not Trusting One's Intuition
One of the most chilling regrets Hilary discusses is ignoring one's intuition. This regret stems from disregarding the inner voice or gut feelings that signal when something isn't right, leading individuals to make decisions against their better judgment. Such experiences can result in enduring self-doubt and mistrust.
Notable Quote:
"Your intuition is not random. If it smells like a fish, it is a fish. This is your inner wisdom."
— Hilary Silver [Various Sections]
Illustrative Example: Hilary recounts instances where women felt deep unease about significant life decisions, such as their wedding day, but proceeded due to external pressures, only to later recognize the mistake.
Actionable Insight: Hilary encourages actively listening to one's intuition, practicing attentiveness to inner signals, and strengthening this inner wisdom through mindful awareness and trust in oneself.
5. Fourth Common Regret: Being Too Hard on Oneself
The final common regret revolves around excessive self-criticism, particularly concerning one's appearance. Many individuals look back with regret at times when they could not appreciate themselves, leading to a long-term negative self-image and diminished self-worth.
Notable Quote:
"Life is way too short to be so critical of ourselves and hard on ourselves."
— Hilary Silver [Various Sections]
Personal Reflection: Hilary shares her own journey of overcoming harsh self-judgment related to her appearance, underscoring the transformation towards self-acceptance and appreciation.
Actionable Insight: She advocates for cultivating self-compassion, shifting from being one's own worst critic to being one's own best friend, and embracing and appreciating oneself in the present moment to prevent future regret.
6. Moving Beyond Regret: Embracing Self-Forgiveness and Growth
Hilary concludes the episode by framing regret not as a final verdict but as a temporary indicator—a "warning light" that signals necessary lessons and growth opportunities. She stresses the importance of self-forgiveness, taking responsibility, and committing to personal growth to transform regret into a catalyst for positive change.
Notable Quotes:
"Regret is only useful temporarily to be a warning indicator light to draw your attention to a lesson that you need to learn."
— Hilary Silver [Various Sections]
"Your greatest regret can be your greatest catalyst. If you look for the lesson and you allow it to guide you going forward, this is how you live a regret-free life."
— Hilary Silver [Various Sections]
Actionable Steps:
- Self-Forgiveness: Let go of past mistakes without self-punishment.
- Accountability: Take responsibility for actions and their impact.
- Growth Work: Engage in personal development to prevent repeating past regrets.
- Amends: Apologize to oneself and others where necessary to foster healing.
Conclusion
"Regrets Of The Living (Make These Changes Now)" serves as a profound reminder of the subtle ways daily actions and inactions can accumulate into significant regrets. Hilary Silver adeptly identifies the four primary areas where individuals commonly falter—self-abandonment, overextension, neglecting intuition, and excessive self-criticism—and provides actionable insights to address and rectify these patterns. By fostering self-awareness, self-compassion, and proactive growth, listeners are empowered to transform their lives into more authentic, fulfilling, and regret-free journeys.
Additional Resources
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