← Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
Ready For Love with Hilary Silver
The 5 Truths I’m Teaching My Daughter (That I Had to Learn the Hard Way)
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Hillary Silver
Today I'm sharing five things that I am teaching both of my kids, but especially my daughter. These are lessons or messages that I didn't get growing up that took me years to figure out and heal from in my own personal growth journey. Even if your kids are fully grown and out of the house, or you don't even have kids at all, you're still going to want to listen. Because what I'm sharing might be the one lesson that you never got that you also really need to hear. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five star rating on your podcast app, leave a review and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. I know that I did my absolute best not to do to my kids the really painful and damaging things that I experienced. That does not mean, though, that I'm a perfect parent, because I'm definitely not that. And they will be the first to tell you it's 100% guaranteed that I've definitely messed them up in my own special kind of way. But at least it won't be the things that were done to me. So today I want to share with you the five things that I am intentionally teaching and doing with with both my kids, actually, but especially my daughter. These are things that I wish someone had done for me. So the first thing, the most important thing that I want my daughter to have before she leaves my house is to know who she is. I am teaching her how to see herself. We all want to be seen and we are not taught how to do this for ourselves. I want her to learn how to see herself. She has to have a sense of who she really is. Not what she needs to be to make me happy or to be what society expects her to be, but who she really is. I want her to know her strengths and what she's really good at and what her natural innate talents are. And to also see what she struggles with, what she defaults to doing or thinking that can hold her back when we know ourselves. In that way, we can make decisions about classes and work and friends and activities that are in our own best interest. Interest to put ourselves in situations that accentuate our strengths and support our areas for growth. We can set ourselves up for success and carve our path in life, whatever that is that is best for us. So I am teaching her to fully see herself. And in order to do that, I have to be curious and looking carefully and be paying attention to her. And I reflect it back to her, which can sometimes be a very delicate dance. If you, if you have a teenage daughter, you. You know what I mean? And sometimes it doesn't always land the way I intend, but. But I'm doing this because it's that important. And this is where many parents get things wrong. They either see what they want to see in their child and just ignore the rest and forget about the rest, or they just don't see their child at all and instead push them, mold them, influence them to, to be what the parents want them to be. Parents are here to affirm their children, not possess them. We all just want to be seen in this life. And this is the number one thing I want my kids to get from me. I see them, I see them for who they are without any kind of agenda on my part. When you see yourself as you are and you know yourself without judgment and criticism, just objectively knowing, you don't go looking for that in anyone else. You don't go seeking that outside of yourself. And you can carve your path in life, one that sets you up for happiness, fulfillment and success. Second, what comes from this knowing of self is understanding that she has all the answers that she needs inside of her. She knows what's best for her always. And she can find those answers by turning towards herself and not away. By noticing her body's reaction to things, feeling, feeling her feelings, and by hearing her own voice in her head. Not my voice and not anyone else's voice, just hers. I'm teaching her to not seek her truth in someone else, to not seek validation or approval in others, but to give it to herself. She doesn't need to crowdsource to get consensus from others in her life in order to know what's best for her to do. She knows what's best for her inside. So when she asks for advice from me, instead of giving it to her, I ask her questions. If you do this thing and it doesn't go how you want it to, how are you going to feel about that? How are you going to feel about yourself? I'm teaching her to build that internal compass, to know what's true for her and align for her. Even when the world is loud and everyone else has an opinion. The most important relationship that she will ever have is the one that she has with herself. I Don't want her looking outward for answers. I want her to know they already exist inside of her. Third, I'm teaching her to trust herself. I want her to develop self trust. Which means that no matter the cost or the consequences, she will always do what is best for her. No self betrayal, no self abandonment. She must always get her own back and be her own best friend. So that means she has to rely on herself to keep herself safe and not sacrifice her needs, her safety, will what's important to her. To please other people or make other people happy. To not leave herself behind. To gain approval or acceptance from others or to be liked. This is the one thing that trips most of us up. Because honoring yourself often means disappointing other people sometimes. But I'm teaching her you are the most important person in your life. Period. And that is not selfish, it is self responsible. She has to get her own back even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's messy, and especially when other people don't understand. Because the people who truly love you, they will respect your choices and they want what's best for you. They don't want something from you, they just want what's best for you. And the ones that don't, that's good information to have. And she's allowed to walk away. She's allowed to say no. She's allowed to choose herself and she can do those things and still be a kind, loving person. And I remind her that it's better to lose someone else's approval than to lose yourself. Fourth, I'm teaching my daughter to be her own advocate. Actually I'm teaching my son this too. Self advocacy to be your own most powerful advocate. To be fully expressed and always ask for what you need and expect to get it. People cannot read your mind. They don't know what you need, they don't know what you're thinking. And you have to be the one to express your yourself. I'm teaching her not to just know what she needs, but to boldly, clearly, without apology or guilt, ask for it. I don't want her to soften her voice, shrink her request or over explain. Because what the the world works this way. The world responds to the energy of I believe I deserve this and we get what we expect. I have taught both my kids that if they get a no, it doesn't mean it's a final no. It doesn't mean stop asking. It means ask in a different way. Try again, try louder. Find someone else, call back, walk into another room. There's always a way to get what you want. And it's not about bulldozing other people or being a bull in a china shop and pushing your way through. But when you there is something that you need or want and you know that you are worthy of getting it, nothing's going to stop you from getting it. And so you never take your first no. If you know what you are asking for is reasonable and you want it and you're requesting it, then you shall have it. And the only way that you're ever going to get what you need or want is to put it out there, ask for it and expect to receive it. This is about coming from a place of worth and deservability. And finally your happiness is your responsibility. This is the anchor to all and the number one rule to living a self centered life. I'm teaching her that her happiness, her joy, her success, her well being, her safety is up to her. It is not up to her friends. It is not up to her partner. It's not up to me. If something isn't working in your life, I want her to ask herself what am I doing here? What am I allowing? What needs to change? How am I creating this? It's not about blaming or waiting or hoping someone else will finally give her what she needs or someone else will finally show up and poof, magically she has what she wants. It's not waiting for somebody else in your life to change so she could be happy. It's up to us to decide for ourselves how we're going to show up. And when something isn't working, look no further than the mirror. I know that's a bitter pill to swallow and it kind of sounds like a harsh lesson to teach your, your kids, but it's like the secret key ingredient to being happy and having fulfillment and success and peace and joy in your life. Being willing to look in the mirror and ask yourself, how am I the common denominator here? What is it that I'm doing or not doing that's getting in my own way? And once you can identify what that is, you are no longer the obstacle, you are no longer the problem but the solution. Which is we hold the key to getting everything that we want in our lives by simply being willing to ask ourselves those questions. And yeah, sometimes my, my daughter can push back against that. Why are you saying it's my fault? But again and again and again, just continuing to show her how she has the answers. And if she's the problem, then she has the answers to the being the solution. And she can fix whatever it is that's getting in the way. If I can teach her these things by showing her not just saying them, but showing her, then I feel like I have done my job. And maybe you needed to hear this today, too. Whether you're raising daughters or sons or just continuing to heal your own inner self, these lessons are for all of us. We are the blueprint. We are the example. So let's be the kind of woman we want our daughters to become. If you love this episode, make sure that you're subscribed so you never miss another one. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.