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- [00:01]
A
Bring along an American Express card to open the door to rewards wherever you go. Morning coffee, run with an old friend. Earn cash back. Weekend getaway. Earn miles. Dinner at the hottest restaurant in town. You get the idea. No matter the place or the plan. Amex rewards your inner explorer. See if you pre qualify for an American Express card with no impact on your credit score. Learn more@americanexpress.com check 4 offers. Your credit score may be impacted if you accept a card. Terms apply.
- [00:30]
B
Baltimore I'm coming home. We're going to wrap the live and alive tour up Saturday, June 28th at the Horseshoe casino. It's going to be a great night. I got Justin Schlegel from 98 Rock going to be out there with me. We're going to have some surprises. It's going to be a really big deal. Get your tickets now@ryan sickler.com the Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the Honeydew, y'all. We're over here doing it in the night Pant studios. I'm Ryan Sickler. I want to say thank you as always, thank you for supporting this show. Thank you for supporting anything I do. If you gotta have more than you know, you gotta hit that patreon up the honeydew with you all. It is this show with you all. And you all have the crazy. It's the best show on Patreon. It's five bucks a month. All right, that's it. All right. We're just gonna jump right into it. That's the biz. You know what we do here? We highlight the low lights. I always say that these are the stories behind the storytellers. And I am very excited to have this guest on today. First time here on the Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Shoemaker. Welcome to the Honeydew. Craig Shoemaker. Buy it for yourself, brother. Get it for yourself.
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A
I'm really excited to be with you. I mean we go back a long way without going back a long way.
- [01:57]
B
We do, dude.
- [01:58]
A
You know, I mean it's like ships cr across paths.
- [02:00]
B
I. Well, we're gonna. Before we do that.
- [02:03]
A
Yeah.
- [02:04]
B
Plug promote all and everything you'd like.
- [02:07]
A
Craig shoemaker.com's got everything merchandise. I have a new book called laugh formations a 40 day cleanse because we really need to laugh these days. And it's. It has doctor prescriptions on. It's got some jokes with cartoons and where you can write down what made you laugh today. And really getting in touch with that part of ourselves. The seventh sense. I like to call it is the sense of humor. I like that. Yeah. And so the laformations book, and I've got other merchandise. I have T shirts and mugs with some of my sayings. Unwoke AF is one of them. And stuck between Namaste and kiss my ass, which I know you can identify with that coming from where we come from and living in California. I live in that zone all the time.
- [02:48]
B
That is very well said. You're a Philly guy.
- [02:50]
A
Exactly. I got another one. Stop global whining. I've had enough already.
- [02:54]
B
Stuck between Namaste, kiss my ass.
- [03:00]
A
And that's. That's where I live. And I'm sure you're the same way. I don't know whether to embrace you or mace you, hug you, or mug you. You know, that's where I live. Even in traffic on the way here. You want to be Namaste. You want to be spiritual and conscious and all that, but there's another side of you. Come here. You know? And that's the way I raise my kids as well.
- [03:20]
B
And you're working on a project with our buddy Tim Duffy as well.
- [03:24]
A
Laughter works with an X. That's really exciting. I go to. I developed a whole program, a protocol of guided laughitation. You know, you. I have a hard time meditating. I don't know about you. I'm going, oh, my stuff in the laundry.
- [03:36]
B
Yeah.
- [03:37]
A
Whatever it is, I can't shut this very hard. So be hard to sleep, let alone meditate.
- [03:41]
B
That's my meditation. Just getting to sleep.
- [03:44]
A
Right. Exactly that. Then I'll go. But with lavitation, it's just this. I do a guided lavitation for people. I started doing it in a cancer facility and also do a thing called chuckle chatter where you really get in touch with yourself. It's like an explosion of consciousness that happens when you laugh. So I teach that. Anyway, we bring that to corporate wellness. Needs a sense of humor. And that's what we're bringing to them through these proprietary programs that I came up with. And we have corporations and companies are calling us now because people drop out of other corporate wellness programs. Oh, let's do. Let's do the phony high five and all that kind of stuff. Whatever it is, we're bringing laughter, which is the best medicine. Why has it not been deployed?
- [04:27]
B
Yeah, they're throwing koosh balls and around and it's.
- [04:30]
A
Yeah, he just feels so phony. It's not organic, but this is organic.
- [04:33]
B
What made you want to create these things?
- [04:37]
A
Well, I have been doing Comedy a really long time, you know, at a nice high level. I mean, I really enjoyed that. But they're one offs.
- [04:47]
B
You're being a bit humble. I'm a student of this game, so I know and have known who you are and how long you were in this space and dominating. And you're. I'm not. Don't say this to. How old are you now?
- [05:00]
A
You could ask me that. I'm a woman.
- [05:04]
B
You look good.
- [05:05]
A
How old do you think I am?
- [05:06]
B
We'll start with 52. And you got a few on me. I'm gonna go 56.
- [05:10]
A
56. Older than that. Yeah.
- [05:11]
B
Are you?
- [05:12]
A
Yeah, I'm in my 60s.
- [05:13]
B
Are you?
- [05:14]
A
Yeah.
- [05:14]
B
Dude, I sat out there.
- [05:15]
A
First place I ever admitted it. Is that right?
- [05:17]
B
You look great, bro.
- [05:19]
A
Well, I. I feel great and I think laughter. Laughter really does have a lot. You know how long comedians live unless they get in drugs and alcohol. Have you ever seen the list of like George burns performing at 100? Don Rickles, Phyllis Diller. We just lost Bob Newhart. Dick Van Dyke is still alive. These people who are in the lab business. Yes.
- [05:38]
B
I went and saw him a handful, maybe five, six years ago. He was in his 90s. This dude was running around the stage.
- [05:45]
A
Yeah.
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B
Not just sitting in a chair. He got up, he moved left to right gracefully, not cane. And I was like.
- [05:53]
A
But I did like, look, Van dyke, he's like 99 or something. Like they still doing the soft shoe and he's still tripping over the hat or whatever. Because if you don't do that, I.
- [06:02]
B
Think the average life for a comedian. I looked it up and it's. It's in the 70s. I feel like for the average.
- [06:08]
A
You really look that up. Yeah, I would have. We're gonna have to go to chat. GPT. How long is a comedian if they don't do drugs and alcohol on a regular basis? That's a really big one. But these old school comedians, shaky green, all those old. You know, you're right in the 90s and hundreds because being around that energy is really uplifting. And it's something, it's. There's something to be said about it for your health. And I've been around it my whole life. Yeah. I've been doing this professionally since junior year of high school. And I mean professionally. They passed around a hat at Ava Tamini's backyard when I was 17.
- [06:40]
B
Is that right?
- [06:41]
A
Yeah, that's my first pay. But then I started working, you know, this different places. Back then there weren't as many comedy clubs I had to get up at strip clubs, bars with the mechanical bull and all that kind of stuff, whatever it was. I'd just get up the fraternity parties, put myself through college doing this.
- [06:58]
B
You look great, dude. Listen. The lady, Carlotta Wood, she's the voice of the honeydew. She has been on here a couple times, and she told me a saying that I think about all the time, and it's. I'm glad I don't look like what I've been through. And that hit me. I was like, oh, my God. Yeah.
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A
Oh, no kidding.
- [07:19]
B
You definitely don't look like what you've been through.
- [07:21]
A
We're about to get into. I've been through a lot, and some people still go through a lot. I go to these reunions, my high school reunions.
- [07:28]
B
You do?
- [07:28]
A
I cannot look that old. There' there's no way I look like that person. So now I make fun of myself. I'm with my kids, and I'll go, I'll see somebody who's, like, really decrepit, and they're in their high 90s. I'll go, oh, that was my prom date. Because I realized these people are my age, that they look that old. I go, I babysat her. You know, I have fun with my kids with that, and they make fun of me, but I stay young because of my mind. My mom's the same way. My mom, she would kill me if I said her age, but she's still.
- [07:55]
B
Your mom's still alive?
- [07:56]
A
Yeah, I talked to her all the time. She's so funny. I mean, we went a few years without talking, and now I can't wait, you know, I'm going to hang with her next week and. Good. I mean, it's just such a great, fun relationship because I just look to the fun of it, you know, not to be my mom. You know, it's traditional mom. She's not a traditional mom. It never was. She belly danced to my high school graduation. I am not kidding.
- [08:18]
B
My mom belly dance.
- [08:19]
A
That your high school swear? My kids. She went through a phase where she was Shaharazad the belly dancer. Fine.
- [08:27]
B
Why do you got to bring it to the graduation?
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A
My friends. All my friends. She was, you know, she was like Mrs. Stifler. You know, My friends. My friends wanted my mom. Of course they did.
- [08:37]
B
If this lady's belly dancing up here, I'd imagine I have the best recording.
- [08:41]
A
I wish I still had it, but it was me and my friend doing Cheech and Chong. Hey, man, we're passing the joint. What's up, man. And the whole damn time, you hear Don Dolan in the background. Shoe, where's your old lady at? Where's your lady at? Shoe. Everybody had a crush on my mom. And then to top it all off, she. Mostly Guys were at the party. She got us a keg. The graduation party. And all of a sudden, I hear the. The record. It was the belly dancing music. She's not going to. And I hear from the top of the steps, craig, I have a treat for you and your friends. Treat? Oh, it was a treat, all right. I'm behind the couch going, no. They're going, whoa, your old lady looks good. They're throwing quarters at her. She had a navel. A navel. Jewel, finger, symbols, veils, putting the kids under the veils. And they're going. And she goes, she told me it's an art form. I go, these. These kids don't care. It's an art form. They want your form.
- [09:36]
B
Yeah.
- [09:37]
A
And, yeah, that's. That's among many things, but she's always stayed young. She's not Scheherazade any longer. And that's. She always says that's the biggest regret of her life because I went and talked about it on stage and stuff. How could you not? I know, but she sent me a cease and desist order. No, she works in a big law firm. A cease and desist came to my place. Stop doing the belly dancing. Big. So she works in a big law firm. You can set a seizure decision. Well, I don't know that it had any effect because I still here I am talking about it on this podcast. She's gonna kill me for doing this because she. And then my friends will meet her. People always want to confirm my stories, which you're gonna want to confirm all the stories I'm telling you today. One time she comes to visit California, and my friend says to her. He goes, nice to meet you. And it was almost like slow motion. Did you really build in that? Oh, it was high school grad. She gets stiff and she goes, yes, I did. It's the biggest regret of my life because he blabs it everywhere. I said, mom, you should be happy that people, you know, you're young and, you know, it's. It's. And fresh and original. That's certainly original.
- [10:47]
B
I've never heard that before.
- [10:49]
A
Never, never. And I never heard it since. You know, we have a lot of things in common with different people, but that's one I do not have in common.
- [10:55]
B
Oh, man. Well, let's jump back to the beginning. So you're a Philly guy?
- [10:59]
A
Yeah, Philly guy.
- [11:00]
B
Born to our mom and dad. Married and everything.
- [11:02]
A
He left. He left when I was bor. Warren, my dad, something I said, wow.
- [11:07]
B
Wow. That was it.
- [11:09]
A
He's gone.
- [11:09]
B
He really did. He bounced.
- [11:10]
A
Yeah, he bounced. And I knew him all through the years.
- [11:15]
B
Did he stay local?
- [11:17]
A
Somewhat. He would always come around with a new. If you want to get into it. The dude was an entrepreneur, which is a French word for scam artist. He always had some new multi level marketing thing, but he sold vitamins. The worst was. And anytime I ever visited him, he made me work. There was no way I could ever be with him. He's a narcissist. Unless I was doing something for him. And he would come to visit and I would get all excited and he would go shake my hand. I'd shake his hand. He goes, barbara, this guy's got wussy hands. He needs man hands. He needs to work. So before he come after that, I would get an Emory board, you know, a filing board. And I would sand my hands until they were bloody so that it would get callous before he was coming and I'd shake his hand. He'd say, he's got a rough and good. Then he would put me to work. The worst one was converting cesspools to sewers. I mean, Kate May New Jersey had a place down there and I was visiting him and he puts me underneath, underneath these homes to attach. To build a tunnel. He would like cut off a shovel and he put me under there. And I'd be under there like Shawshank Redemption in 1966. I am the defrain left Shawshank Prison. All they found was a set of mother prison clothes, soap and a little rock combinator on down to the nub. Craig trying to visit his daddy. There I was. He'd be waiting at the other side of the tunnel.
- [12:38]
B
How old are you thinking?
- [12:39]
A
I was like 12. I was like 12. Yeah. And he would analyze every bit of dirt I grew. He was sitting on a chair and go, that's a teaspoon you're pulling out of there. I was. I'm grunting and groaning. I wanted to make my dad happy, improved him. But it's cess pulls to sewers. You talk about a job. Literally. There's literally. I'm crawling in like Andy Dufresne so.
- [13:00]
B
That he can make sewers under these houses. Did he really know what he was doing?
- [13:04]
A
There were cesspools. And he would. Yeah. My other job Was going to make you an estimator. I was like, what the hell's an estimator? And he would. He would drop me in a neighborhood for hours with no food, no water. What do you mean? No phone to give people pamphlets. Try city contracting. So they get an estimate to convert their cesspool to a sewer system. And I would canvass the neighborhood and he would leave me for hours. I didn't want to show him I was crying. I'd be crying waiting for him on like somebody's stoop that would like feed me soup and stuff. They felt bad for this little kid. I was out of brochures and he would just leave me for hours at a time. That was my visit with my dad.
- [13:44]
B
That's the visit.
- [13:45]
A
That's my visit with my dad. That's. That's like, that's, that's his. That's his custody time with son. I had to go to work and, and this.
- [13:55]
B
He's not even with you. He's not walking with.
- [13:58]
A
You're building a business. Here's what you're going to do next. You're going to be an estimator. You're going to get out pamphlets. You're going to convert the cesspools to the sewers. Get a shovel. He saw the shovel off so I could get under there underneath these homes. And, and everything was always about him. And the one that I didn't do though was he calls it my mom. He goes, hey, Barbara, you want your child support check? I literally thought his name was doesn't pay the child support. When I was a kid, he never paid child support. And he'd always have a bribe. He'd go, invite your big breasted friends over. He's now selling bras, right? Bras meets Amway, right? It's a multi level marketing pyramid system for bras. That's when he suddenly is in the bra business. So I hadn't seen him in years. At that time, he was like a leap year dad. It seemed like a leap year.
- [14:47]
B
Preston Ladies knee Bras D too. He's only interested.
- [14:50]
A
He only wanted the big hooters. Yeah, that's all he wanted, right? So he has my mother convince her friends. So you have to understand, she's doing it, bro. I hadn't seen him in a couple years at that point. I look in the living room, there he is smoking a pipe with my aunt Barbara. Aunt Fran, not really aunts, Aunt Dottie. Friends of my mom's. A lot of divorcees. There weren't a lot back Then. But my mom had a little huddle of those. There he is smoking a pipe, going, come on, daddy. Show how it lifts and separates. They're all in bras. Yeah. This is our three class model for the full figured woman smoking his pipe. He goes, don't be shy. It's just you women and me. And he's just him and these women. And I'm just going, this guy's a genius. So that was that. Business went bust. No pun intended. Yeah. But yeah, one after the other after another. Vitamins, Fuller, brushes. He just had. He's one scheme after the next, and.
- [15:40]
B
He'S managing to always at least keep his head above the water. He's not paying child support or anything. Oh, no. He's not doing well either.
- [15:48]
A
Barely.
- [15:48]
B
Barely.
- [15:48]
A
I mean, he barely got by. His was. The one they did pretty well was the cesspools of the sewers. Because there were a lot of cesspools and you get a sewer system. But he was always coming up with a. One of the best ones, though. The one that he ended up really focused on was my sister. You know, I grew up with all females and he was. He. We would never go up together, by the way. It was never me and a sibling. It was always just one of us. And he would bond and make fun of the other one. The whole triangulation thing was unbelievable.
- [16:20]
B
All his kids.
- [16:22]
A
Yeah. He said he has same parents. I just found another one 10 years ago. No. Oh, yeah. I have a new sister. Yeah.
- [16:27]
B
From him.
- [16:28]
A
Yeah. From the cult. He had a culture.
- [16:32]
B
It sounds like he's building one with the titty thing.
- [16:34]
A
Well, that's. That was the start of it, by the way. That was. That was the start. But he. Then my sister rode a horse with him. And he. He did. He always kind of wanted us, you know, but he wanted us to be part of a business. He couldn't just hang with us. It had to be. We had to work for him. So he creates a horse business. Then it became mules. In the 70s, in the Pocono Mountains, it's called Pocono Adventures on Mules.
- [16:56]
B
Where the fuck's he getting mules to do this?
- [16:58]
A
Well, he go. He negotiates. He's a negotiator. He was always trading things. I remember one time, I go. I visit him as they had this cabin with his. And I'd say, where? I go, where's the tv? He goes, I traded it for a mule. Decided to go out and watch the mule. He's always bartering and trading. He loves Junk. I would always be in junkyards with the guy. All my visits were something where he's making deals and he didn't know how to walk away. I've been sitting there going, please, I'm trying to have some father son bonding here. Next thing you know, he gets a harem. He calls it his harem. He has a cult.
- [17:30]
B
He just starts this.
- [17:32]
A
He starts it. He's got a mother daughter team. Oh, I have a comedian story for you for this one. So it's called Pocono Adventures. Only 75 mules, couple horses, takes people on these rides and, like in major mountain rises. Pretty cool. And me and my friend, four, three friends, we built this ranch for him because I wanted to bond with him. And here's how a cult leader works. I'm gonna. I'm fascinated with cult. What he would do is he make us compete against one another. There was me. We're all roommates in Philly, and we would go up to the Poconos two hours and help him build his mule business. And he go. He would rate us based on how we worked that day. He always go, he's a worker. That was his big comp. It's a worker. He go, Rob's number one, Steve's number two. Just because you're my son doesn't make you number one. You're number three. Mike, you're out there. You're number four. Mike. Poor guy. Poor Mike never made above three. So Rob is always number one. Me and Steve battle for two and three. But as the son, I was never number one. I was. Rob was his number one son. He wasn't even related to him. They got a business together and stuff like that. But that's what cult leaders do. They've set up a competition. So this. This leads me to. I was touring the Poconos as a comedian with. Remember Richard, Jenny? Of course. Richard, Jenny and I were very close. And Glenn Farrington and the three of us are doing a tour of, like, these colleges, Wilkesboro and Scranton and all that. And I said, my dad's going to put us up tonight. Can I curse on here?
- [18:56]
B
Of course.
- [18:57]
A
Okay. All right. I'm so used to radio. I'm so used to radio. Because. Because I have to. Because it's a quote. So. So I go, hey, Jenny. I called him Jenny. He goes, shoe, where are we staying with your old man and the mules? I go, yeah, we're going to stay there.
- [19:12]
B
Damn good.
- [19:12]
A
Richard, Jenny, Shoe. Shoe, Richard, Jenny. Yeah, you always twirl his twirl the hair on the back of his head. Shoe. He was always analyzing things. Sure. What do you mean? It's a mule. A mule. Like a borough of the Jesus road. Or. Or what? So. And meanwhile, these things are 18 hands, either gigantic, bred with Clydesdales and Persians and draft horses.
- [19:31]
B
These are just little, like.
- [19:33]
A
Oh, no, there's no donkey.
- [19:34]
B
Mexico beach donkeys.
- [19:35]
A
Y.
- [19:36]
B
That's what I was thinking. I was thinking.
- [19:37]
A
Yeah, people. Oh, no.
- [19:38]
B
Big giant, worn out.
- [19:40]
A
They gallop and canter and trot. All that. Oh, yeah. So we get there to his cabin after one of our gigs, and we're. And we're sneaking in, and literally, he chooses who would sleep with him that night of the harem. He had 14 women. He would choose whoever did the best.
- [19:57]
B
14.
- [19:57]
A
14. He was up to 14 at that time, was probably 10.
- [20:00]
B
It's just him and these ladies.
- [20:02]
A
Oh, yeah. He's got. He always had a lackey guy that did tools.
- [20:05]
B
Is this.
- [20:05]
A
Is he.
- [20:06]
B
Are they all in his bras?
- [20:07]
A
No, no, no, no, no. That was long gone. The poor guy. I wish. I wish I would have inherited that. I inherited nothing. Family business. The family. I'm in the bra business. It's. Instead, I be the. I'm the love master. So anyway, he's called himself the king and the King of the Poconos. You get over this comedy shit, and you'll be part of my empire. I'm going to be prince of the Poconos, Ryan. This is a big goal. Comedy. That's how. Comedy bullshit. So I go, meanwhile, I'm making a pretty good income. I'm making more money than my friends who are doctors. I'm doing really well. But no, he was like, that's not a real job. And see, we lecture me. He goes, look what I have. And he had all these women, and they were these sleeping bags in the other room, like a whole little posse of them. And you could tell who was chosen because the sleeping bag was rolled up and they get to sleep with the king of the Poconos that night. And so we're sneaking in and had a few sleeping bags for us, me and the two other comedians, Richard, Jenny, and Glenn Farrington.
- [21:06]
B
And you're in the house with all these ladies.
- [21:08]
A
We're sneaking in. They got goats inside. It's like it's a whole farm situation, right? Which we're not used to. These guys are definitely not. Jenny's from Brooklyn. He's got a shiny zoot suit. You know, it's like a whole different guy. So I go, I'll never forget. This is the line. I always reminded Jenny about this. We were sneaking in. I go, shh, you're gonna wake my dad up. He goes, shoo, shoo. Fuck your old man and the mule he wrote in on. And we rode mules the next day. You never see anything as funny as Jenny getting from Brooklyn getting on his giant mule. Doesn't have an ashtray.
- [21:45]
B
Doesn't have an ash.
- [21:47]
A
And we. We went into the woods. We had such a great time. But anyway, he called it his harem. That was his harem. And other people called it that. This is how I know this. I was performing in the Poconos. I'm this Hollywood guy. Now they send a limo, and I'm at Caesars, and the guy's giving me a tour. You know, you ever hear the accent? They do like a smoking coal miner accent from Pennsylvania. And it was one of those guys give me a tour. I'll never forget this. He goes, and I hadn't seen my dad in a while. Now I'm out here, and I'm visiting there and playing big performance at the big showrooms, and he's giving us me a tour. He goes, oh, Craig, over here. You're from Hollywood, huh? You probably never heard of coits, have you? We got quitsar. You know what quits are? Oh, I got racquetball. We got tennis. Over here, over here. He goes, oh, my gosh, there's AJ Shoemaker in his harem. What's that nut doing here? And I go, that's my dad.
- [22:38]
B
Nah, that happened.
- [22:39]
A
Classic. I go, that's my dad. The guy's like, he didn't do the math on shoemaker. Shoemaker, right? And up walks my dad.
- [22:47]
B
And you hadn't seen him and I.
- [22:48]
A
Hadn'T seen him in a few years.
- [22:49]
B
This is how you're seeing him.
- [22:50]
A
He walks up with his harem, like six of them. He goes, hey, how you doing? He goes, cheese tray. He took my complimentary cheese tray. This is good. I'll take it back to the ranch. Judy loves gouda.
- [23:04]
B
Just her Judy, the whole harem that likes Gouda.
- [23:10]
A
So he takes my cheese tray. Then after my show, he's signing people up for mule rides. He's got a clipboard. And I do this character, the Love Master goes, tell him who the real Love Master is. Which. He's right. Who's the real Love Master? Look what I have. And he's signing these people up during my autograph session. You know, they sign. I sign autographs and pictures.
- [23:33]
B
He's wearing Meet and greet.
- [23:35]
A
He's just off to the side, take the mule ride. I'm the one who started his whole career. Meanwhile, I would go years without seeing a guy. Never gave a dime. So he's now taking credit for me. Next morning, 7am, he knocks on my hotel. Where are you? These people are here. They want to see you. He wanted me to go on all the mule rides. He had six of them set up in a row. I go on another one, another. And we tell stories like we were father and son. Told me at the time, with the crabs. I tell the crab story again and again. Again. I was part of his little tourism and. And. Anyway, last year he got dementia, though. And I, believe it or not, at full circle, I ended up taking care of him.
- [24:18]
B
You did?
- [24:18]
A
At the end of his life, yeah.
- [24:20]
B
That is nice of you, actually.
- [24:21]
A
Yeah. The odd thing about it was he died around the same time. As a guy, I wanted to be my father when I was a kid. I wanted a father so bad. And I wanted a husband for my mom. She was so upset. Miserable single mom, you know, in the 70s, trying to raise kids, you know, secretary. That's not easy, you know. I mean, back then, it was not equal opportunity, equal pay. But I wanted a dad and I wanted. And so I used to look at baseball cards, right? I saw you had your Cal Ripton, you know, it's your baseball guy. I was a Philly fan, so I would look at the cards. I didn't care what they hit. I look for one thing in the back of the card. Marital status, because then they'd be available to my mother. I can. I'm shopping for husbands for my mom, cards for baseball cards. I discarded Mike Schmidt, a Hall of Famer, because he was married to Donna Schmidt. I still know their names and their wives. Larry Bow as Shayna Bow. I can tell you the wives. I found one. Mom, this guy's for you. He's Irish, She's Irish. He loves Irish. Tim McCarver, Mom.
- [25:20]
B
Tim McCarr.
- [25:21]
A
He's a catcher, I'm a pitcher. He could adopt me and teach me how to pitch in the backyard. She goes, he doesn't want me. Or, yes, he does. I wrote him a letter. Dear Tim McCarver, here's my mom's picture and belly dancing outfit.
- [25:33]
B
Yeah.
- [25:33]
A
Hell yeah, you should meet. My mom never writes me back. But here's how things. I. I want to write a book called God's a Slow Motherfucker. You know, I mean, things take time. So I told Joe Buck that story Longtime partner of Tim McCarthy. Right. I still had never met Tim McCarver.
- [25:48]
B
That's a guy Dion dumped the water on, wasn't it?
- [25:51]
A
Yes, yes. And yeah, exactly so. And he was a longtime partner of Joe Buck. Bucket for baseball. And next time I see Joe Buck, he hands me a ball. It's my most prized possession. It says, from Tim McCarver, it says, Dear son, time to grow up. Love, dad, AKA Is that the great. That's great. And I have a lot of memorabilia. I meet these athletes all the time. That was my time to grow up. Love, dad, AKA and they died right around the same time. Isn't that weird? That is weird. My almost dad and my. And my real dad.
- [26:21]
B
But you got that little bit of closure, a little message before he checked out. Like, all right, here we go.
- [26:26]
A
Exactly.
- [26:27]
B
So let's go back to this real quick. Your dad just says it. I'm starting this harem. How. How does he. Or do you even know? Like, how does he convince these ladies to. Here's the other thing. It's not a palatial mansion. You said they're on sleeping bags.
- [26:42]
A
Yeah.
- [26:43]
B
It's not a.
- [26:44]
A
No.
- [26:44]
B
High end.
- [26:45]
A
This wasn't. This wasn't the bag. One in a Rolls Royce.
- [26:48]
B
I'm saying. Well, so how.
- [26:49]
A
What's. What is. What does it.
- [26:51]
B
He have.
- [26:52]
A
What does. It's an interesting question. I've actually. I've actually studied this. Well, he sets the competition up. I told you about that. That's. So they compete with.
- [27:00]
B
But you got to get them there first.
- [27:02]
A
He's charismatic.
- [27:04]
B
Yeah.
- [27:04]
A
When I would visit.
- [27:05]
B
But I'm saying, is he promising them. Them a financial this or a future this?
- [27:10]
A
Well, some of them just love. You know, a lot of people love horses. They love that. I mean, they're literally people that love animals more than people.
- [27:18]
B
So they just want to come and be around.
- [27:20]
A
They want to run his ranch for him. He's empowering them. You can do this. You can. You can have this. Because he wants to step back. He does nothing. Oh, he is. He's just a negotiator bullshitter. I mean, the same with me. He would sit on a chair while I'm digging ditches. You know, this is who this is. Who is. My mom told me when he was in the Navy, he, Bud Courtney, his best buddy, they would go out on a dinghy, and Bud would paint the boats, and he'd smoke. He'd smoke his pipe. Even at Bud Courtney doing this work for him. He's just a charismatic guy. Kind of like A Mark Twain thing, type of thing, you know, Remember the story with Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn and Peyton the Fence? He's kind of like that guy, you know, he just. He's got this power over people. And I would watch how he would operate. He would turn people against one another. That's another thing you say mother, daughter.
- [28:05]
B
He would literally make them compete against.
- [28:07]
A
Yeah.
- [28:08]
B
For his.
- [28:08]
A
For his affection and his approval. So he. Listen, I've studied this, you know, Manson, he appealed to the father issues. He would act like he was predicting. I bet you have a problem with your father. And. Yes, I do. And I think that's how a lot of these people do it. They. They appeal to something that's missing with you, so missing in your heart. And that's what happened with Manson. All those women had difficult relationships with their fathers. And a lot of these people prey upon people that have difficulties with their father situation or their mother, but it's usually the father. And that's what he did. He appealed to them, and they would sign up and there they would be dedicated to him. Dead to the end.
- [28:47]
B
That's it. That's the thing.
- [28:49]
A
Yeah.
- [28:49]
B
Still sticking around.
- [28:51]
A
Well, in the last few years of his life, he had one. And oddly enough, she didn't know anything about the harem. I had to tell her what. She was all, he had one. And she didn't recognize, like I would say, his behavior. She goes, he does none of that because when he got older, he kind of got mellow. And she never saw his temper. She never saw his control issues. So it was a whole other guy. And I had fun with her towards the end of last year or two, like getting to know him through her eyes. And she's a whole different guy. And he was also different to his grandchildren if ever I brought them around. He's pretty. Kid's pretty. I do a great impression. My dad. One time I called the harem and she goes, and I pretended I was him. One of the harem answers the phone and I said, what are you doing? She goes, I thought. I thought you were outside. Oh, no, I'm down at the fire station. Where are you? I did this whole thing. The whole time she thought it was him. And can I ask you, did he.
- [29:45]
B
Ever, like, was during the harem time, was there ever a number one that he ever officially marry again or. He did.
- [29:52]
A
Funny you should say that. I do remember that. Yeah. You're very young. Very young. And he changed a little bit because I received a gift. I'll never forget it. For my child who was born and I'm going, where did this come from? And I realized she's coaching him on how to be a better person. Exactly. So whenever I receive anything, this is.
- [30:10]
B
Your grandchildren like you have to, isn't it? Blow you away to some humans out there have to be told that.
- [30:17]
A
I know and you know, I raise my kids, I give them everything I long for. Makes it really easy. Not that they receive it that well because I overdo it. I coach every team.
- [30:28]
B
No idea. Did you?
- [30:29]
A
Every team my kids have been on baseball, basketball, football, all three sons. Now my daughter, I coach her in singing because I, I, I've sang on Broadway and stuff.
- [30:40]
B
Have you?
- [30:40]
A
Yeah. God damn. She. So she now just did a play, Beauty and the Beast. I was bald.
- [30:44]
B
How the did you do all that? You were working nonstop.
- [30:47]
A
I know, I know. I always made sure you're still coached. I'll be honest with you. I'm gonna be honest with you. Something that came up for me when I walked in here, I just getting little chills or a little sad. But I say this. I removed myself from comedy. You have all these bondings with all these people you work with on posters. My posters are all just me hanging out at the Comedy Store. I see the documentary on regular. I was, I was approved there and worked there now and then. But no, never part of the gang because my concentration was on my family. I remember seeing the documentary about the comedy story. This is my family. I'm going. Not mine. Not mine. And so I got a little jealous. I'm looking at your posters. You got all these like all star shows. I've never been on any of those. I've had once in a while co headline situation. Did one with Bill Bellamy and stuff. And I've got friends in the industry, Jeff Garland and a number of friends, but never that, that you had. And I get a little envious. But then again I go, you also have these kids you concentrated on, and.
- [31:46]
B
That'S me for the last 10 years. Once I have my daughter, I'm the same way. I don't, I mean the hang is they're, they're, they're like, what do you come every three months? And I'm like, I'm on the road when I don't have my daughter and when I do, I'm a dad. I'm not, I'm two things I'm not. My identity is not a comedian first. I'm a dad first.
- [32:07]
A
Yeah, I'm with you on that.
- [32:08]
B
And I, I look, my dad died when I was 16. So I, you know, I longed for. I still wish I had my dad.
- [32:15]
A
Yeah.
- [32:15]
B
You know what I mean? You long for something. I had a good one, not a shitty one. So it's things you miss, you know what I mean? It's not like, whatever. I would have been better off anyway because he's a horrible part. He was the shit. So that's the thing for me is like I don't want to be, you know, And I have my next 20 years. I don't even know who my kid is. I'm not around, you know, I'm there. I've been there for all the events. I flew. I'll take a 6am flight to come and go to make her competition on a Sunday.
- [32:44]
A
Same. You know, I remember one time I did it for a nine years old, a basketball game. I flew in from Arizona and I was back on stage that night. Yeah, you know, I just, it was worth it to me.
- [32:56]
B
I love hearing it. Here's, here's the funny thing I want to say real quick. There's a shift. I do see a lot of guys. I can't speak to the ladies in comedy with kids, but I see a lot more of the dudes these days wanting to be dads and.
- [33:09]
A
Oh, I heard, I listen to your interviews. Jim Florentine, that's an example of it. Yeah, it's just you get the kid and you go. It takes you out of. If we are narcissists, which I actually don't think I am, but if we are, then we're not anymore with the kid. At least that's been my experience with other comedians as well. Once you have the children, is everything changed for me in a way that it just isn't about me anymore. Now I got to make money to make their lives happy in that way too because you know they're going to have therapy. Being my kid, I always say to myself, you know, we go to therapy, talk about our parents. My kids are going to go, my dad with the I love yous. Oh my God, that is funny.
- [33:51]
B
There is going to be a new.
- [33:52]
A
Wave of oh my God, you guys. Did you.
- [33:55]
B
You loved them too much.
- [33:57]
A
That's the new therapy. That's exactly what's gonna happen. My kids are gonna complain. When they were younger, I wanted to, I wanted to bite their cheeks. You know, they got those cheeks and then they're going to be in therapy. My dad loved me, but he bit my cheek off. You know, I mean, that's what it's going to be like, and, but they have their own issues. I got two sons right now with huge issues with me.
- [34:14]
B
Let me ask you this.
- [34:15]
A
And I don't even know what it's about, but there's something that they're, they have their own journey. That's the thing I'm learning all the time, is this journey. It cannot be what I dictate. It's going to take lots of different directions, which, wherever we're talking here about my life is what inspired me was a lot of pain and transmuting that pain into family life, into love. But then I, then I show up and do all the right things and bam, something happens. Bam, something happens. What happened there? It's not supposed to be that way. Well, I guess in the destiny sake, it was because I'm going to keep learning, you know, keep growing. I have a acronym, EGO is Evading Growth Opportunity. So when my ego gets in, which is, that's part egos, I'm going to raise them right.
- [35:01]
B
As they say, your ego's not your amigo. No, the AA loves to tell you, no, it's the truth.
- [35:07]
A
And ego. So I'm evading my own growth opportunity. Every time I operate from that space of I know what's better, I know I don't. And I have to keep learning that lesson all the time. It's when somebody rejects me or they're unkind to me, I'll go, wait, I was so nice to you. You know, I fixed up nine marriages. People that got married, I fixed up nine marriages.
- [35:27]
B
Well, you mean you introduced people?
- [35:29]
A
Yeah, in fix ups too. Like he played Cyrano de Bergerac and he says this about you and all that kind of stuff. And none of them ended up hanging with me ever again. I probably got 200 people jobs. Hardly any of them thanked me. One of them, I got her the job head of an agency. I saw the announcement on Facebook. I go, what's up with that? And then she calls me, because I heard you're mad that I didn't thank you and still didn't thank me. And I'm still in therapy. Not necessarily in therapy, that's the topic. But I'm still trying to work that out. And my theory is that I'm doing for them like God's work. And they don't want to give me that credit because then I'll be like, you know, it's a God complex. So I think that's something to do with it. And they have to find these things out on their own. And I'm trying to Go, I got a fix for you. I got to help for you and all that kind of stuff. So I'm like a rescuer. And it all started when I try to fix my mom. Mom up with Tim McCarver. The other guy was Paul Lynn. The center square. Uncle Arthur and Bewitched. The center's Queer Ray magazine. They said he was single. My mom loved him. She never knew anybody was gay, by the way. She thought Liberace was flamboyant. Yeah. She was in complete denial. Lesbians were spinsters. They just were asexual. That's what she would say. She loved Paul Lynn. And I wrote him a letter. Meet my mom. And my whole dream was he would adopt me. We'd be the first father and son team on Hollywood Squares. I was picturing us in the box together. I'd, like. Take it, son. It's a sports question. I'd like Craig and Paul Lynn for the win, please. We're up there in our matching ascots. I literally had a visual of this guy being my father. And I wrote letters to him. Does Tony Fields really have a wooden leg? I asked him all these questions. Never wrote me back. But this is how dreams manifest, though. I really wanted to be on Hollywood Squares. It was my dream job. And I ended up on 75 episodes of.
- [37:24]
B
Did you.
- [37:25]
A
Of the Hollywood Squares with Tom Bergeron. Whoopi Goldberg got me on. Who's been an amazing. Oh, yeah. Of course you did. I thank her to this moment. I mean, even in this podcast, she's done more for me than anyone has ever done in my career.
- [37:39]
B
Wow.
- [37:40]
A
No one does anything for me in my career. They always assume. It's like when I walked in. Here you go. You don't look like you have any problems. I think people assume that, you know, and she didn't. She.
- [37:50]
B
You don't look like a man. Yeah. You don't carry yourself as a man who's had. And we're not even into the rest of it yet. We got more to talk about.
- [37:59]
A
But it's. That's the fun stuff. You're. You're.
- [38:01]
B
You seem to have done the work to be happy.
- [38:05]
A
Yes.
- [38:05]
B
Within yourself. You know, and you seem to also be humble enough and ego aside to know that I don't care what age I am. I'm still learning. I'm still making mistakes. I still don't understand this. I think I know this and I didn't know it at all. And why. You know, and you're willing to at least do the mental and emotional work to Understand why and not just be like your dad. Like, whatever. Walk it off.
- [38:29]
A
Walk it off.
- [38:30]
B
We're the walk it off generation, you.
- [38:32]
A
Know, Especially where we're from, by the way.
- [38:35]
B
Listen, don't.
- [38:36]
A
Baltimore is really similar to Phil. Don't be. You're a.
- [38:38]
B
Quit being a pussy.
- [38:39]
A
I have one thing I want to ask you. Accent wise. Baltimore is close to Philly and you know, it's never been in. In the history of television. Nobody's film. No one, no one can do a Philly accent. And very few do. Even Baltimore. Only Travolta tried it in. Right. Hairspray.
- [38:55]
B
You know who did a great job?
- [38:56]
A
Who?
- [38:58]
B
I think his name. I mess it up. I guess the name is Mike. Is it Burnt? Barenthal Bernthal. I'm gonna mess. I want him on this podcast. He was on that series they did where they. They busted the cops for plant and. And everything.
- [39:12]
A
Wire. The wire. No, this is out of Baltimore.
- [39:15]
B
Yeah, that was. But he. This was a. A series. It was like a four episode series. I want to say it was on hbo. We own this city. That's it. Watch it.
- [39:24]
A
Task force. I heard it right there.
- [39:26]
B
He's great and he gets it. Now I'm. I get that I have a Southern draw. A lot. People like you.
- [39:31]
A
Where are you from?
- [39:31]
B
The South.
- [39:32]
A
Yeah, that too.
- [39:33]
B
But that hardcore. My relatives are those vowels.
- [39:36]
A
Those vowels. How do you say the word? This is going to say if you're from the south or Baltimore. The entire country says a word. It's different than the way we say it in Baltimore and Philly. T O U r, N A M E, N, T. Like you're in a golf. Yeah, go. How do you say it?
- [39:51]
B
I say tournament. Yeah, tournament, not tournament.
- [39:54]
A
That. The whole world goes tournament. I guess Springsteen doesn't go on tour. He goes on tour. Yeah. Come on, dudes, we're going on tour. One, two, three. First.
- [40:02]
B
Here's the other one.
- [40:03]
A
What?
- [40:04]
B
What's because of that pronunciation? The way we say, yeah, tournament.
- [40:09]
A
We say tournament. Yeah.
- [40:10]
B
I used to say Sigourney Weaver all the time. And they're like, who?
- [40:13]
A
What's wrong with that?
- [40:14]
B
Or did I say Sigourney? I think I used to say Sigourney. I didn't know I was pronouncing her name wrong. And somebody's like, it's not Gurney. It's. I don't even know.
- [40:22]
A
Well, in Philly or Baldwin, we would go Sigourney with an ax. With Sigourney one time. I have this resentment for years that no one could do. Even the great Robert De Niro in Silver Linings Playbook, which is all about Philly. Heavy Philly. Did a New York accent, dropping the R at the end and all that. So one time I was. I was on that show Parks and Recreation.
- [40:41]
B
Yeah.
- [40:41]
A
You know the boss is Amy Poehler.
- [40:42]
B
Yeah.
- [40:43]
A
So we're on this parade float. I played this guy, the head of the Liberty or Die party. It's kind of like a tea party. I had a tri cornered hat and knickers and a little break. And I hear this guy go, all right, everybody, we're gonna go over here. I go, hey, Phil. He goes, how'd you know? How'd I know? What do you mean, how do I know? He said, how'd you know? I said, your accent. And I started getting in my. I said, in the history of film, no one's ever done it. Of all people to do in front of Amy Poehler goes, I did one in Baby Mama. She's right. She did an accent. It's the only one ever. And I. Who'd I do it in front of? My boss. So anyway, I. I have such problems with people in these films that won't even try it. They abandon it. Right. It's the heart. It's a very hard accent. It is hard, but. Yeah, you got a little draw in there, too.
- [41:28]
B
Yeah.
- [41:28]
A
I don't know where that came from.
- [41:29]
B
We spent one year in Texas when we were, like, four, and maybe. Maybe I picked it up there.
- [41:35]
A
A year in Texas.
- [41:36]
B
One year, bro. Yeah, one year. My dad got transferred. He was crew chief at. For Pan Am at. Well, now it's Reagan. Used to be National Airport back then.
- [41:49]
A
Yeah.
- [41:49]
B
And we went to Houston for, like, one year. And he was like this. We're going back to Maryland. And we went back to Maryland. Maybe I got a dash of it down there.
- [41:58]
A
Oh, there's a dash, all right.
- [41:59]
B
But I, I. Yeah, my relatives, like, state. The way they say Saturday. I laugh because the whole. I used to do this whole thing with the crab feast, and I still say Tuesday, you know, that's. The days of the week were Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
- [42:13]
A
Yeah.
- [42:13]
B
And Saturday in Baltimore is a different one. That's Saturday. And if you listen, you can hear it in there. But you're like, when he went. He went down. He went to college last Saturday.
- [42:24]
A
Like, what? Yeah.
- [42:26]
B
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- [43:45]
A
It's the classic accents, but I like being from there. I don't necessarily have to live.
- [43:50]
B
This shirt is perfect.
- [43:52]
A
Yeah, that's.
- [43:53]
B
You're right. That's. We're from a. Walk it off. Quit being a pussy. Over to like, hey, how you feeling?
- [44:00]
A
You know, I mean, I can be that guy. I could be that guy.
- [44:05]
B
I tell everybody all the time, I grew up without parents from 16.
- [44:09]
A
Yeah.
- [44:09]
B
No one ever said to me, how are you feeling? It was always how you doing?
- [44:14]
A
How you doing?
- [44:14]
B
And I'm like, good.
- [44:16]
A
That's it.
- [44:16]
B
I don't let you in.
- [44:17]
A
That's his ex. That's the extent of it. Good.
- [44:19]
B
How you doing?
- [44:20]
A
Good.
- [44:20]
B
Great. We're moving on. No one's like, how you feeling today? Like, sad. You know what I mean? Like, we don't come from that world.
- [44:28]
A
No. It's funny you should say that. When I coach, I coach people a lot, I mentor and things like that. That. And I talk about vibration. You know, life is vibration and energy.
- [44:36]
B
Energy for sure.
- [44:37]
A
And I have this thing that I do. It's actually a little trick. It's a little hack. I'll say, how are you doing? And I have them come up with a word that's extraordinary. Not good. Above ground, fair to Midland, all those. I say, give. So you asked me how I'm doing.
- [44:51]
B
How you doing?
- [44:51]
A
Fantastic. And it made you smile. Yeah. And it's reflected back. If you give Magnificent. Beaucoup. Fabu, whatever it is. So I have all my clients come up with that word that they answer. And I'll. I always quiz. I'm like, how you doing? Oh, I forgot. I'm tremendous, you know, I mean, and it really does make a difference because we're so used to, you know. I feel you're like, down. Oh, good. Shrug it off and all that kind of stuff. You don't want to get too deep. But I got deep at an early age. Kind of forced to.
- [45:20]
B
I was going to say. You had to. Yeah.
- [45:22]
A
Yeah. Well, with the dad leaving and then my pursuit of dads has led me down some difficult roads.
- [45:30]
B
But I always ask guests before they come in a little bit of what we're going to talk about. And so dad cult. Let's shift gears here. You're married at some point and your wife leaves you for a cult.
- [45:42]
A
Yeah. They say you marry your mother. I guess I marry my dad. She's not a leader, though.
- [45:48]
B
She belly dancing up there to call.
- [45:50]
A
She's a hippie. Wait, which was good in the beginning. Literally when we met, she goes, do you know it's spiritual to fart? You married the Dalai Lama. Give me a Dutch oven. You'll be praying. All right. And it was a wonderful marriage. It really was. I met her in a spiritual center and, you know, everything was like centered in that.
- [46:07]
B
Did she. Did you share your past about her dad, Your dad, Excuse me, being in a cult and stuff?
- [46:12]
A
Oh, of course she knew my dad. We would visit, you know, with our kids and stuff.
- [46:16]
B
Did he influence this?
- [46:19]
A
No, no, not at all. Just his way of life. Oddly enough, though, he did multi level marketing was called pyramid schemes. And she got into multi level marketing. She followed this. She first went into this one cult with this woman, Raven. And they, they should have real. Raven star. All this is real. I'm not making a freaking word of this. I might make up the word of her leader in case they come after me because they've already threatened me. The cult leader's boyfriend has threatened me.
- [46:45]
B
So you've gotten cease and desist from your mom.
- [46:47]
A
Yeah. I'll show you the text messages from this. This creep. This creep that she's with, the cult leaders with. This creep who came after me a few times. Now the one Philly thing I am, I will stand. I will make a stand. And that's when tough guy comes in. He's. Oh, really? And then I also think my mouth will get me out of stuff, which a lot of times it doesn't. So anyway, she Started following this woman who brought her to the Raven Star cult. And they had this thing, year two millionaire, and they moved into a mansion. They ended up feeding this raven. It was a whole scam. They got me for $80,000.
- [47:23]
B
Wait, what?
- [47:24]
A
$80,000?
- [47:25]
B
What are they doing with this lady? Feeding her.
- [47:27]
A
Well, no. Like, it starts off, I'm going to teach you how to be a millionaire. You're a millionaire. And we're going to film this thing. It's a reality show and all this kind of stuff. But this woman, let's call her. Let's call her Broke. Her name's Broke. Okay. Which is close to her real name.
- [47:41]
B
Got it.
- [47:41]
A
So Broke brings her there, she follows her in there, and then. Then it turns out they were on to this being a cult that she was. She built $500,000 as Raven.
- [47:51]
B
A woman did?
- [47:52]
A
Oh, yeah. She got it out of mostly women and all like. Like around 50, like middle age, a little bit of, you know, who knows what's going on. Women get mad at me if I say menopause, but that menopause, you know, they might be vulnerable. I say might. I don't get angry with me. God. You make an assessment bids based on my experience, though. She started changing after the second child. Two incredible kids. Oh, my God. Blessed kids to have these parents. We never fought or anything. She just kept going on these zooms with these cults. And then the next leader took over. The Broke who took her in there.
- [48:29]
B
Why did it? Why does she have to leave her family?
- [48:32]
A
Because, well, she would just like leave the family, like us hanging with a lot of play time and stuff. No, she would go on these zoom meetings to create businesses. You know, here's how we're going to get. Lure these people in and all that kind of stuff, whatever. And this Broke started to become like this expert. Expert. First they did Mommy minutes was all thing about how to be a mom and how to homeschool and all this kind of stuff. All this theoretical stuff. That always bothers me when people have theory, not actions. You see my actor even talking to you? It's my experience. It's not my opinion. I'm not saying you need to do this. That's what a lot of these wellness grifters, I call them. They're wellness grifters in that community. Spiritual slash wellness. So they started to go. She starts getting into that. Well, then she starts really getting in. Now it's like time for. Then they go to the medicine journeys. They go a couple. They go to Australia and do some Dance in front of thousands of people. Like, I'm going, okay. And I keep being the supportive guy because I want to keep her happy. That's my life is keeping people happy. I literally do it, do it for a living. So I was like, just send it to. Just give her the checks when I get off the road. Turns out she was scheming. So she went with this cult leader and I had a house before I, you know, knew her and moved into that house. She convinced me to sell it. And then when I was on the road, she changed the password, stole all the money from the house sale. Hundreds of thousands of dollars and. And abducted the kids.
- [50:03]
B
What?
- [50:03]
A
To a private Airbnb? I didn't know where they were. She's. She just texted me, I'm not picking you up at the airport. Far from that. I moved out. And it's been a real struggle ever since because.
- [50:15]
B
How long ago is this?
- [50:16]
A
It's a three year, two and a half. Three years.
- [50:18]
B
It's not long at all.
- [50:19]
A
Oh no, it's still. It still affects us because the kids are going. What happened? And the kids, they were abducted twice. She did that twice. Violent. She just turned into a whole other person. And now they're into.
- [50:31]
B
And there's no legal.
- [50:32]
A
BDSM is. Do you know what bsa. Oh yeah, they're in now. She does a podcast with the leader talking about being choked and whipped and all that kind of stuff. And we just. I mean, it's just. It's the saddest thing you've ever seen in your life. You know what I compare it to? I love Star Wars. You like Star Wars?
- [50:45]
B
I do.
- [50:45]
A
It's Darth Vader is possessed by resentments and anger and doesn't know what to do with it and goes to the dark side. So this broke is Darth Sidious. And she follows and she has become a completely different person. And it's so sad to see. And I have no protection on this. There's nobody that's going, Craig, let me help you. Just doesn't happen. You know, I'm a non practicing white male at this point. People are not behind. People don't support somebody like me. They don't feel for me. Plus, I don't like being a victim anyway. But I have found in this case, I tried going to court without a lawyer. Oh man, just annihilate.
- [51:23]
B
This is a legal thing. She's stolen the money.
- [51:26]
A
Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because she knew how to get. Yeah, all that kind of stuff. It was Half her house. Even though it was bought before all this stuff. Rather than fighting a typical me, I just want here just keep a lot of this. And you know it's a struggle because I've spent my life. I'll tell you that story. I know you're leading to the heavy story. I spent my life not being protected. That's it. That's what I'm there for my kids. Even though if some don't want it, I'm a real protector and I want someone to protect me. And it just doesn't happen. Why.
- [51:57]
B
But why does your wife's love have to stop for you? Because of this cult that's like where does that.
- [52:02]
A
Because then she was convinced by this woman apparently convinced to get into sex products and stuff like that that love comes from torture and pain. Not from I'm giving like real love, you know, I think it's good. And then she literally. These are. These are quotes. Come on mamas. She. This isn't the only woman she's done it with. She gets women to leave their husbands. She announces hers.
- [52:24]
B
Oh, they're getting more and more.
- [52:25]
A
If I showed you her online, you're going this one woman's nuts. How could anyone follow her? She just brags and she's like a middle aged woman bragging. She looks like she's on only fans. She's posing with a whip and a riding crop, you know, come on, follow me mamas. Get your sovereign freedom. And she convinced my wife and she was in a golden cage. All this work I'm doing, I hand the money over. I had her in a golden cage apparently I'd like to be in one for a day by the way. Wouldn't you like to not struggle? Wouldn't you like to buy somebody, supply.
- [52:52]
B
Something above someone just to give me money?
- [52:54]
A
Wouldn't that be amazing? You know, and just give them a little what they want, you know, whatever it is. Nope. No, she just. It. It became this whole take thing and it. She keeps going for more and more.
- [53:06]
B
But my God, that's her now public image as a mom with these kids can hear it.
- [53:12]
A
And that's another thing. So then I go to, you know, violent. I went to the police. They ignore me, everything. The kids even testified. No, that's hearsay. Unbelievable. I have no nothing to go on. So you know what I have to do? I have to give up. I just have to surrender. Be the best person I can be. I sent her a beautiful note this morning. I've done a lot of those before.
- [53:31]
B
And are you Getting kindness back.
- [53:33]
A
It's as good as it's going to get.
- [53:35]
B
Yeah.
- [53:35]
A
Is what I put out. It's not going to come from her. And I keep coming. It's your turn. Why am I always the one who's evolved? Do you ever have that happen? Yes.
- [53:43]
B
Score.
- [53:43]
A
Why am I the high road all the time?
- [53:45]
B
You know, I hate the high road road. I'm so sick of traveling to Hyrule. I'm tired of it. I've been on it a lot. I like. I like to get on this one one time. Just roll down here a little bit like everybody else does.
- [53:56]
A
Can I coast for a little while? Can somebody give me money?
- [53:59]
B
Can I go still?
- [54:00]
A
You know what I inherited from my father when he passed away? Debt. Yeah. Not us. I literally. Debtors calling me when I was handling his stuff. I mean, I don't know where it's ever going to come from. Even if it's lifetime ever will come easily easy to me. And here's the thing. I think I believe this about Philadelphia and Baltimore. The one thing I learned was resilience, man. If you're going to sum everything up on who we are, I am a resilient guy and always have been, you know, So I know you're going to lead to this, but I might as well tell you. So when I was 13, yeah, I was struggling, big time struggle. We come from an era of pubic hair, right?
- [54:41]
B
Yeah. When people still had it.
- [54:42]
A
You mean? Not only had it, it. Proud of it. Yeah. Like one of my big things. I was the latest bloomer ever.
- [54:47]
B
Like, what grade?
- [54:48]
A
I was 5:1 in high school. That's £92. I'm about 6:2. Yeah.
- [54:52]
B
You were 5:1 in like ninth grade.
- [54:54]
A
I won the shortest award in the school. They posed me next to Farmer fro. He was 7ft tall. There I am, little Craig. I had no pubic hair, which was a nightmare. I'd be in the gym, showers. Oh, the gym. The other guys.
- [55:08]
B
I remember. I remember middle school top going on.
- [55:12]
A
They lather up their Armenian fro. They're soaping it up and I'm there scooting. I have a panel and a wall switch squeaking and. And I'm going, where's my pubic hair? I used to analyze. I remember Rich Pearlstein had hair on his back in eighth grade. He had full hair. And I'm going, please give me one little pubic hair. It was a major deal for me anyway, but I had a search for a dad going on. I really wanted a dad so bad. My mom did too. She wanted me out of her hair. Stop blaming her. And there was this guy I met after a Philadelphia Eagles game. I love sports. That's how I, you know, that's how I dealt with life, with sports. Even though I had nobody teaching me. I grew up in the city. When we moved to the suburbs, I joined Little League. They said, go get a glove. I got a glove. I'm right handed on my right hand, right? So I would catch the ball and chuck the glove on the ground and then throw the ball. I had no idea because I played stickball with one ball and. And hands and rubber ball. You hit old man Cataldi's awning and that's a double and all that. That's in the city. This is suburbs now. So I'm in the suburbs and I'm really like looking for some sort. And I meet this guy. After this rich kid took me to the game. I ditched him to get autographs. This guy took me in the locker room. Is Ben Rousher is his name. Big handlebar mustache and a cowboy hat. Did he work for a duster coat? He said that he was with the old Chicago Bears and he just. He did know everybody who's introduced me to these players, like Harold Carmichael. His hand engulfed my little hand. And I remember talking to them and stuff. I was in a locker room, I couldn't believe it. This guy had connections. And I go back and brag to school, like, oh, I met, you know, he would give me gifts and stuff. And then. And then he says he's going to take me to the last game of the season in Washington to play the Redskins. The Eagles. Who can play the Redskins? You have to understand, I'm bonding with this guy in ways I never bonded before. I'm drinking booze with them out of a flash.
- [57:04]
B
How old are you, you say?
- [57:05]
A
13. 13 with no puberty. I'm up in the 700, 700 level with the woo people.
- [57:10]
B
Whoa.
- [57:11]
A
You know those people who hate the Eagles, but they're there every week anyway. The Vayne necks and all that kind of sharing whiskey and all that. And I'm there. I'm a man now. He takes me away.
- [57:22]
B
How are you keeping in touch with him back then?
- [57:25]
A
Like, my mom's phone just.
- [57:27]
B
He had his number. And you call him?
- [57:29]
A
Oh, he called me. And we would set up, let's go to watch Monday Night Football together. My mom said, go, get out.
- [57:36]
B
I see. So mom's aware of this dude?
- [57:38]
A
Oh, very much so, yeah. Ben. Ben's like My Craig's new dad, you know, but too old for her and not her type or whatever. So he takes me to D.C. and he promises me. I bragged to my friends, we're gonna have. I was just had this whole imagination that was going on. I said, oh, we're gonna have white gloves that approach our limousine and let us out to this beautiful hotel. And we're going to. I get there, we took the Amtrak and it was a blizzard. We walked in a blizzard, like up to my waist to a ghetto. Like, literally a ghetto. What the hell was this? This is not what I expected. And we get there, and it's not a hotel. It's like a. It's a pedophile hotel with a guy behind bars with skeleton keys to give you the key to the room. What? Yeah, it was the opposite of everything. And he goes, give me a key. You know, the guy gives him the key from behind these bars. I'm going, wow, this is not what I expected at all. I thought it would be like television, like Dynasty or something like that. And I go, this is a horrible place. People screaming and drugs on the streets and all. So we go up to the room, and it's two beds. He slams the door. He goes, I want one bed. He goes back down to the guy, guys, another key. He's screaming at the guy, I want one bed so I can sleep with my buddy. And I went, oh. And that's when.
- [59:02]
B
And he's openly saying that in this.
- [59:03]
A
Case, this is because it's that hotel that I figured out afterwards. And I think the guy was trying to save me because the second time it was two beds. Then he went back down again. Oh, now I'm talking in the elevator. I'm going, why? Why? You know, I like to sleep by myself. Whatever. And he's. Anything I said he had something for. But this is the one thing about being resilient is I do. I am a good talker. Starting at an early age. And I talk myself into living. First of all, I could have been killed because there's no phone. I have no way to outside world he had.
- [59:34]
B
You don't even know where you are.
- [59:35]
A
No idea where I am. None. And I. I would not go in that bed. So I crawled up and next to remember the steam, radiators banging and I was urine stains on the floor. I slept in urine on these, on these, on this. Next is rated five days. He kidnapped me. What? Yeah, five days.
- [59:54]
B
Held you hostage in that room for five days?
- [59:56]
A
Yeah, yeah. Trying to convince me to do what he wanted me to do.
- [60:00]
B
Can I ask you. Did he take advantage of you?
- [60:02]
A
No.
- [60:03]
B
He didn't overpower you? He didn't force you?
- [60:05]
A
No, that. No. Which is great. He. No, not really. I mean, I don't want to get, you know, too detailed.
- [60:13]
B
You don't have to.
- [60:14]
A
But no penetration or something like that. It was enough, though, to affect a kid.
- [60:21]
B
Even.
- [60:21]
A
Even just the disappointment of this guy was going to be my dad and we were gonna have this amazing weekend. Even that was enough. But then the other stuff, and.
- [60:28]
B
And also, you're not in a nice hotel. You're not. You're in a. Sounds like a prison.
- [60:34]
A
It was. It was. I mean, literally, urine everywhere. I mean, it's just people yelling.
- [60:38]
B
And this is a man that's connected to where you said his name. So this is a man also that did have connections to NFL.
- [60:45]
A
He did, Yeah. I remember he had, like, stationary with his name on it. I don't know, he was some honorary or something. Whatever it was. We only had 700 seats, though. Those are lousy seats. It wasn't that connected. I remember we were up, and then the blimp was scraping my head. That's how. That's how high up we were. But. But he had an agenda. And it turns out I did go to the game, by the way. He did take me to the game. So I had that accomplished because I was at my first away game I'd ever been to, and I never went that many games anyway. I guess I couldn't afford it. I used to sneak in. I was a criminal when I was a kid, too. Time, criminal days. You're there five days and never let me out.
- [61:21]
B
You never called home.
- [61:22]
A
I couldn't. There was no phone. No phone? No. No phone.
- [61:25]
B
And you. Obviously.
- [61:26]
A
It wasn't even a hotel phone.
- [61:27]
B
Now you think back at it like this, dude, how many times? How many children?
- [61:33]
A
I was about to get to that. My mom researched him. There's no Google back then. So wait, I came back. I told my mom, before you do, hold on. Okay.
- [61:41]
B
Yeah, he takes you back.
- [61:42]
A
So he takes me back and you tell. My mom has no idea. She think I. I'm coming. I come home just literally just in a full state of depression.
- [61:48]
B
Is she like, where have you been for five fucking days?
- [61:51]
A
Yeah. Well, no, she. She actually didn't even. Oh. Just went away five days, you know, she had no idea. And I told her, I'll never forget that. She goes, don't you ever repeat this to anybody. They won't understand. They'll think you're lying. They won't understand. And those words affected me for a really long time. I mean, a really long time. You're only as sick as your secrets. This was a secret. It. And I was definitely suicidal to the point where. This is my mom in a nutshell. She was always concerned about money, and we had no money, and I was going to commit suicide. I took these neckties and I tied them together, and I threw them over my bedroom door, and I tied it to. To the doorknob, and I made a noose. I learned in boy Scouts it's going to come in handy now. I never was good at knots, but this I got. I think I got the noose down. So you never know. You never know when you're going to need a noose. You know the box knot? What are you going to use a box? So I did learn the noose. The hangman's noose. I had that down, and I did it with my neckties. And I. And I put it over my neck and I started dangling. I started choking loudly. I really wanted attention. And sure enough, she gave it to my mom. Comes in my room. She goes, oh, my God. What are you doing? Those are new neckties. Get up. You're destroying. Those are new. I bought you those neckties for Easter.
- [63:19]
B
Nobody gave a.
- [63:21]
A
About you. I'm dangling. No, I was. To her credit. I was on my knees and I did. I was able to get up, so I wasn't like dangling. I didn't jump from a chair. I was dangling, but I legs weren't kicking. The legs weren't kids. So I did get. I got up. Give me those ties. And she takes the ties and she, you know, flattens them out or whatever, irons them and my. My ties again. But that was like my mom, to give her credit, we went for a few years without talking, but it's another story for another day. But I really did repair it with her in a big, big way.
- [63:58]
B
Good. Wait, real quick. You said she looked this dude up. What did we find out about serial.
- [64:03]
A
Pedophile in St. Louis? Arrested for it and everything else.
- [64:06]
B
He had been charged and everything.
- [64:07]
A
Oh, oh, yeah. Serial pedophile. She ran into him in a bar. Didn't say anything to him. My mom's.
- [64:12]
B
Then he told in the area.
- [64:14]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [64:14]
B
What the.
- [64:15]
A
What else. What else is gonna happen? Then he came to visit me. My almost I could do is my friends. We bombed them with snowballs and he drove away. I said, get him and will bomb. That was my way of getting back at him. I didn't know what to do. He's a big man. He's six, eight or whatever. But my mom, you know, she told me not. Not too long ago, I think it was really not. That was pretty recent. She says, I just wanted to tell you I'm really sorry about the way I handled Ben. And I went, oh, that make you feel? I said, thanks, Mom. And then she said, this is why I had compassion. She goes, I just didn't know what to do. She's a single mother and a lot of pressure. And she said, and her mom did the same thing with her. There was like a guy exposed himself where they went to court. They went to as far as court and they walked out. The mother, her mother said, my grandmother said, let's get out of here. And they never did anything about it. So it was like kind of like repeating life. And she was scared. She was scared. She didn't want me to suffer. Listen, it is a shameful thing. And I know my friend Paul, our local rec director, was a major pedophile. And, oh, some of those kids are dead. I used to be jealous that they. He would hire them to do the trash and eat neighborhood stuff. I How come I'm not in there? Thank God I wasn't because Paul had to go to major therapy for this. They were going to name a park after the guy, the pedophile. This is how people are.
- [65:37]
B
Pedophile park.
- [65:38]
A
Let me tell you a secret to pedophiles. What they do is they get in with little leagues Boy Scouts rampant. They get in where parents are going, oh, no, they're taking care of my kid. Church groups and stuff like that. Obviously priests, where you don't. People go into denial. They don't want to believe you.
- [65:57]
B
Trust.
- [65:59]
A
They're in trusted positions helping people. And now I'm so onto it. I get to be an advocate and I get to spread the word. Yes. It is not. It does not affect me in the least. I can easily talk about it because he does not hold the keys to my prison.
- [66:13]
B
Is he still alive?
- [66:14]
A
Oh, God, Long gone. Long gone.
- [66:16]
B
I mean, did you ever run into him once you hit your.
- [66:19]
A
Your. Once I hit him with snowballs. I don't think he came back. But no, no, no, no.
- [66:22]
B
Weird. At a show.
- [66:24]
A
I needed to clean it up in my own life without him. He has nothing to do with he. Like I said, he doesn't hold the keys to my prison. And I was in prison for a while. Major drugs and alcohol theft. I was larceny I would destroy people's property. I'd take my. I had old cars, big Chevys and I ram them into expensive cars, crash them into it. Would literally go ramming speed like we're Vikings. I put one car up on two wheels just to do it. Just to do it. I hated rich people. I hated rich people.
- [66:57]
B
Yeah.
- [66:57]
A
And I would get my revenge on these rich people, powerful people. And that's how I lived my life for a while. And then I found, you know, comedy. I found, thank God, spirituality, you know, where I live an amazing life and now I get to help others. I'm really into mentorship. That's something. I coach comedy. I coach people and bringing laughter to and to their presentations. I have the number one mortgage guy in the country now. He was boring before this. Now his presentations are so good.
- [67:28]
B
That right?
- [67:29]
A
Yeah. I get more of a thrill when he tells me how he did with a presentation. I do my own comedy. My own comedy is like, you know, it is what it is. I mean, I had two shows last year that were. I have a memory of complete bliss on stage, which is was kind of rare. Like I didn't care what was coming up. I didn't care what happened before. I was in every moment and those. One was outside of Philly. One was outside of Pittsburgh. It was two pack theaters. And I just had the greatest time because I don't have that desire anymore for fame. I don't have a desire to have somebody approve of me. You know, I just, I just show up and being of service is a big key. It keeps me ice of panic attacks. Horrible. When I realized it wasn't physical, that it was mental and emotional, I worked on that. Now I can be present on stage and have moments like that. But it's not about that anymore. Listen, I, I won award. I won the comedian year American comedy awards, right? The previous winners. I'm going if I win this one. That was my agenda. I was like this, I'm gonna win this thing. I campaigned. The previous winners were Jerry Seinfeld, Ellen degeneres, Jeff Foxworthy. I was like, I'm gonna get my own sitcom and a gay redneck and a show about nothing. You know, this is what I'm gonna do. This is my, my goal. And I won this award. I was on abc. It was his biggest award. It was the oscars of comedy. And Lily Tomlin, the legend presented to me and Roseanne. It was the loneliest night of my life. The loneliest night of my life. Imposter syndrome kicks in Walk backstage. My old friend. I won't say who it is. She, like, shines me on. I'm going. We started comedy together. It's like. Like, you know, like, blew me off and other people. I went to the Comedy Store with my award. I didn't even hang at the comedies. I went, and they're all making fun of me that I'm walking in my award. By the way, you bring an award to comics, they're not going. Way to go. Although I've told. By our mutual friend Tim Duffy told me the comedy world has changed these days. It's so supportive. That's another reason I'm kind of jealous of your posters. I never had that. Yeah, yeah. I was going the road. A road dog. And everybody got a good reputation of killing and everything.
- [69:37]
B
Still a very solo sport, but these days you got much more supportive. I heard Segura and his wife through ymh, bringing so many people up. Kill Tony now is just putting people on the map. And, you know, it's. It's a very. I would.
- [69:52]
A
And.
- [69:53]
B
And, well, there's groups doing down there.
- [69:56]
A
The Sandler group. They all use each other in one another. Those movies, I never got in with that. It's a lot of my own thing out there.
- [70:02]
B
And I honestly, I believe a lot of it is because of your generation. And we watch that and it's like, none of these good. Where are all the collabs? You know what I mean? Don't see a lot of that from your generation of you guys, unless you're in a film or whatever.
- [70:15]
A
We.
- [70:16]
B
Yeah, more of us also, like, there's. That is a golden era of comedy right now, no doubt. And especially Internet, podcast, all this. But. But for all of us to go back to the 90s, pre Internet, and doing what we all did to come up together, and now this thing happens for us.
- [70:34]
A
Thank God everyone's helping one another. It's really nice. Yeah. And I just haven't experienced that. I got the experience of winning this award and just can completely. Oh, yeah. And I was the target on the back for a while. Then it was Jeff Dunham got the target on his back. Carrot Top had a carrot on the. You know, you get the target on the back, you know, oh, he's that guy. He's like, oh, he's a love master. You know, whatever it is. You know, leave it to comics, you know, especially the insecure ones. But now I'm finding that there's these really quality people like you, I mean, really quality people that are in this for the right reasons. It's not about our fame and fortune and ego and stuff like that. We're in it. Which is the reason I wanted to do your podcast.
- [71:14]
B
But also pay attention to the age of those people you're talking to these days, too. You know what I mean? Like, it's the, the Florentines, myself, the Toms, the Berts, like, like being dads. And we're older guys. We're not 20 somethings that are coming out like, you know, I want to be famous. I want to do this.
- [71:30]
A
And yeah, I, I, when I coach and teach the young ones, especially, I'll say, I need an agent. I go, slow down. You need your voice. Yeah, you need your voice.
- [71:41]
B
You need a lot more support.
- [71:43]
A
Is find your voice off stage, not on stage.
- [71:46]
B
And I'm like you, I want to be my daughter's star. I don't care about that Other.
- [71:50]
A
Yeah.
- [71:50]
B
You know, before we wrap up, this has been awesome, but I, I want to hear this. Magic Johnson, let's hear this.
- [72:00]
A
Another. I always like to say, isn't failure funny? So I'm at this a while. You know, I'm on, I'm on a little roll. This is the 90s, late 90s. And I'm, you know, I'm one of the comics that they bring in on all the auditions. You know, maybe I'll get a sitcom. All kind of stuff. Well, Magic Johnson, the great basketball player, has a thing called the Magic Hour. He's going to be on the same stage as Arsenio, just retired, and it's the big show from Fox. I auditioned against 400 comics. I got the job. I do.
- [72:29]
B
What, what's the job?
- [72:30]
A
The co host. Now, he said, you're not like Ed McMahon laughing at him, okay? You're going to tell the monologue to him, sitting next to him, and he's going to respond to. I thought it was kind of a clever idea, okay? Like the, he can't do the monologue. It's not his jam. I'll do the monologue sitting next to him. They said that's what you're.
- [72:46]
B
So here's what's going on this week. Magic. And then he's responding to you. Okay, all right, Right.
- [72:51]
A
So we rehearse. The rehearsals are going. Okay. Not the greatest. Because he's really not a talk show host. He knows it bombed.
- [72:59]
B
I remember it going. It went away quick, too.
- [73:01]
A
Oh, bro, you know, you have no idea. You have no idea. I'm gonna tell you the story, this 100% true story. So I get there. And so I. So they brought in these writers from the Tonight Show. And I used to make fun of Members Only jacket, like not current. Mullet cut. And I called the guy. Sling Blade was the movie back then. I called him Sleep. He talked like sling jutted out jaw. And I said, sling Blade, I can't tell these jokes. I'll get booed. He goes, my boo is as good as a laugh. Johnny loved to be booed. Johnny Carson loves to be booed. Not me. They don't know me. I've got to tell the jokes as I write them. So, okay, Meanwhile, I've got like one buddy's there, you know, how can I do this? He goes, good luck to you. Because these jokes were not good jokes. They said, do not tell your own jokes.
- [73:48]
B
I was about to ask, and you can't say anything.
- [73:49]
A
No, no. They wrote the jokes where they set up punchline all this. Current events and all this. So opening night, mostly urban crowd. Which code for black? I'm not. And I'm backstage. Place is going nuts. Magic comes out, a big three piece suit. He's dancing Sheila E. From the 80s. She's the band leader, you know, on the bongos. Place is going crazy. And then he says my intro. Now, I thought it was gonna be comedy year, all this kind of stuff. Oh, here's my intro written by Sling Blade two Magic to deliver to the audience. All right, everybody, let's get the show started with my co host. Now here's a guy nobody would shower with, Craig Shoemaker. I'm like, I'm like. I'm like. I'm back there going, I'm not coming out. What does that mean, somebody would shower with me? Here's a guy nobody would shower with, Craig Shoemaker.
- [74:43]
B
Now, this is your introduction on the first time.
- [74:48]
A
These people will see me, episode one. And then I have to walk, which is not easy for me because I bounce. I've been made fun of my whole life. I'm trying not to bounce. Now look like one of Jerry's kids are going. Walking out there. I finally take my seat. He wrote these jokes for me. Understand this mostly urban crowd. He sets me up. I go, hey, Craig, now how about that Bulls game last night? I said, magic. I haven't. I haven't seen a beating like that caught on tape since Rodney King. Nah, swear oxygen mask popped out of the ceiling. It was a collective gas. It wasn't even a boo. It was like that worst sound you've ever heard in the history of comedy. I said, it Was only a few years out of the Rodney King riots.
- [75:28]
B
Yeah, I was gonna say this guy.
- [75:30]
A
In the whole studio says the white guy. The white guy says this to him since Rodney King's beating. Oh, I'm glad you're laughing. Thanks a pantlo. You're not feeling for me has to.
- [75:43]
B
Be on there on the line somewhere.
- [75:45]
A
So. So he goes, so. So now and then his response was, oh, Craig, you are bad. Craig, you are bad. Remember about it. That was Craig the co host, not me. He threw me right in the wood chipper. He was known for the assistant basketball. Yeah, and then it continued. I told him a John Madonna joke. Oh, Craig, you are bad. Now she's not gonna come on the show. And I'm sitting there thinking that's not the reason. If you could pronounce the movie these people are starring in. I'm not kidding you. Michael Clark Duncan is an Armageddon magic red. The cue card going up next from the movie. I'm a good, good. Now he is from. Oh, Craig, how you say that word? I say just say end of the world. It's the end of my career. So you have to understand, I am poor little Craig Schumacher, the littlest kid in school. Picked on, beaten as a kid, obviously kidnapped, no pubes. That was the worst of all. The hell was being kidnapped by a pedophile. I had no pubes when I was 16. That's the pain. I'm sitting there going, oh my God. This is not going even close to the way I wanted it to go. You. This is my chance. I'm literally backstage making a list. 13 girls shot me down for the prom. I'm making a list of Mary, Frank, Carter, Melinda, the whole list. They're gonna not. They're gonna regret it. Now I have a national TV show. I'm the co star. Our opening guy was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- [77:10]
B
He's the first guest I wanted to ask. He was the very first.
- [77:13]
A
I'm sitting there, two legends and I'm not allowed to talk Supposedly. Here's their conversation. A whole Hollywood kiss. Up, up. This is word for word, Arnold, the reason I had you as a guest on my premier talk show. You make a lot of money for a lot of the needy people. Folks though, he gave it up. Yeah. No magic. You don't want to give all the money back. Am I right? You got the AIDS awareness, the Magic Johnson. Did I? In the hood. Yeah. Come on, Arnold. You're the one with them special Olympics helping those needy kids. And I'm sitting there thinking how am I going to blend in? So I lean over. I almost gave a buck to a homeless guy. He didn't have change for 10. Oh, Craig. Oh, Craig, you are bad. Now Homer's not gonna come to the show. They day three, Magic goes, we'll be back after this. They took me off the couch. They whispered in my ear, you're gonna be off the couch now. It's segment one on day three. We're gonna come back after this. And didn't include me. They. I started fighting with them. I'm not coming off the couch. You're not gonna humiliate me like this. I'm, like, starting to get off now. You gotta get off the couch. Couch right now. His eyeline is off. I go, I'll bleed up whatever it is. I'm fighting with him. I look at him. Maybe he'll help me out. He's just glazed over the cue car. I'm a good dude. Anyway, they took me off the couch. Arsenio walks off. He's on. He's the guest. He goes, where's Shoe? He's funny. That Magic goes, I wanted to be with you alone. They took me off the couch.
- [78:34]
B
I was gonna say, Arsenio probably knew you from a comedy.
- [78:36]
A
Of course. Yeah. We're Shoe. He wanted to jam. And then. And then. Then they would throw me in, like, the fifth segment. They were, like, trying to get rid of me. I was in a cooking segment. He would throw flour on my face. Now you're a cake. You know, this is horrible episodes. Only a few. And then. And then somebody sabotaged me, and I got fired. I got fired for real. And somebody. I won't say it as a comedian, he wanted the job. He did get the job for a couple minutes, and then they got rid of him. Then brought in Tommy Davidson, who ended up pretty much hosting the show. But it was one of the worst shows, One of the short, shortest lives, you know, the only one shorter lived than that one, Chevy Chase. Same ex time, right? Yeah, Same era.
- [79:16]
B
Yeah, I remember he had a bad one, too. But I do remember Magic's being, like, really hyped.
- [79:21]
A
Oh, Ryan, you are bad. You fell for the hype. It was really an experience for me. Real damage to the showbiz career, you know? And then I. Then they fired me. And they were. They owed me, like, $80,000. And I went in, of course, cheap me. I didn't want to get a real lawyer. And I went against them. And, oh, my God, there's the Fox suits. Loads of suits. It's all they do all day long. They're in the legal went with a guy from SAG Aftra. The lawyer looked like a beatnik with a. He's like Walter Mat with a bow tie. He's going against these guys in arbitration, the arbitrators. That's the thing people understand they're paid by the richer people so they're going to give them because they're going to get another job from the rich people, not from me. So I. That was a loss. That was. All that money's gone.
- [80:07]
B
Craig, this has been. I know we could go for hours. And you are welcome back anytime, bro. This has been one, one hell of an episode. What you're. It's, it's been great to sit and talk to you and get to know you. Finally the voice over all these years. Something I ask every first guest only when they're here is advice you would give to your 16 year old self. I'm curious, what are you telling 16 year old Craig Shoemaker? Jesus Christ.
- [80:36]
A
There could be a lot, couldn't there? Don't do things for other people, you know, be of service to others. I tell people when I coach them, I say be of service to the audience. They could be there. I've, I've helped people. They were ready to commit suicide. I have stories about that that they didn't commit suicide from. They enjoyed my comedy or whatever it was. But be yourself and don't respond to people that are trying to tell you what to do. And especially when they tell you what to do when they haven't experienced it. They have no credibility. They're just telling you out of a book or theory or whatever it is. That's what took my now ex wife away was all theories, it's all. None of it works. There's no dime that's being made. There's nothing but really, really listen to your heart and your true source that's within you. We are potent. We are potent as humans. We have a potency that wishes to be released as a potency of love, light and laughter. So go with that as much as you possibly can. And then the people that are supposed to be around you will be around you and the ones who aren't will go away. That's what I'd say to a 16 year old.
- [81:39]
B
That's great advice, dude.
- [81:41]
A
Unrehearsed. I have no idea what I just said.
- [81:43]
B
You can watch it back brother. Thank you, thank you for doing this. Thank you for everything. Please promote one more time again right there.
- [81:49]
A
Plug anything you'd like my website. Craig shoemaker.com has the merchandise. It's got my schedule. I'm still doing stand up but I'm really concentrating on bringing laughter to laughter works to companies and corporations because you know, corporate wellness or wellness needs a sense of humor. If anytime during after the pandemic we really need to get well. Laughter is the best medicine. It needs to be deployed and we have a system that deploys it. So contact me for coaching. I love coaching people. I coach individuals. Either standups or people doing presentations. One person shows help them find their voice. If anything that's happened for me as I found a voice.
- [82:24]
B
Yeah, you did.
- [82:25]
A
And that voice is so important that we can connect with and it's not about about school teaches you how to regurgitate. I help people become who they truly are, who their destiny is, who the genuine I call it genuine energy flow. Who you truly are. And you know, I probably have a bunch of other stuff. I'm not promoting the book and go buy the book. It's a silly little thing called lafformations. A 40 day cleanse. And I'm really about laughter healing. I really am. I have the Laughter Heals Foundation. We could use some money as well. Well, I've had that for years. Dedicated to my friend that passed away with the brain cancer but lived 15 years from laughing. Wow. Yeah. I didn't tell you that story.
- [83:02]
B
No.
- [83:03]
A
Oh my God. Real quick.
- [83:04]
B
Yeah, please.
- [83:05]
A
My best, one of my best friends, we did the movie the Love Master. That's my character.
- [83:09]
B
Yeah.
- [83:09]
A
And he wrote Cool Runnings Little Giants. Oh, he did? Yeah. And he got brain cancer. They gave him three months to live. And I said that was my moment. That was my haha moment. I call it. It's not about me and my one offs of comedy and my ego. And I started this program where I laugh for life program in a cancer facility. He showed up for all of it. Prescriptions. I gave prescriptions of laughter. And he. I said go to comedy shows. I tell the, you know, the cancer patients and their caregivers who also have it. Almost as bad as my research showed me that. And this was a nonprofit for years dedicated to him. And he showed up for all of it to the point where he was at so many shows of mine. I had a restraining order. He was so many of my shows there he was again. There's golds and a lot of us, you know, helped him, you know. And he had a little daughter a year and a half when he got the diagnosis. You have three months to live, get. And he lived 15 years past that. Yeah, yeah. And one more thing. I made him laugh on his deathbed. He was in a coma. We filmed it for a movie.
- [84:05]
B
He was in a coma, saw a response.
- [84:08]
A
Well, I go into. He's. He ended up. And it was awful. He ended up his old folks place in the valley. It was just awful. By the way, if you ever feel bad about yourself and you want to get laid, they go to old folks place, they come out, no gums. I'll take you in the closet. Unbelievable. I've never felt so. So good about myself. I have no teeth. I'm perfect for you. I mean. So I go in and we filmed it for this documentary. He's staring. I go, gold. I'm waving my hand. His eyes open, yeah, open, but absolutely gone. Like, do you hear me do? And he's not responding. I said, what can I do for you? I was so. I really wanted to help my friend. What could I do for you? And I leaned in, I go, want me to jerk you off? I said, I've never done anybody but my own. I'll give you a handy. He came out of a coma. He goes, he laughed one more time. And he passed away two days later. We got her on film. Otherwise, I swear, I felt so good about myself, I made my friend laugh. And you know, joy is what keeps you living. It keeps you want to live. So be surround yourself with laughter.
- [85:10]
B
And that's, that's really what this podcast is all about. Like, let's talk about the worst times and find light and laughter in the dark moments.
- [85:17]
A
Exactly, bro. That's why I wanted to do this podcast.
- [85:20]
B
I appreciate you doing it, brother. Thank you so much. This is a great episode.
- [85:24]
A
You got it.
- [85:25]
B
As always, Ryan Sickler, on all your social media, do what Craig says. Go see live comedy for real. Go to your club in town, Go watch live comedy. We'll talk to you all next week.