377: John Goblikon | The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler #377 | Full Episode

Summary

The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler #377

Guest: John Goblikon (John Goblicon)

Release Date: March 16, 2026

---

Episode Overview

This episode of The HoneyDew features the charismatic and hilariously outlandish John Goblicon, the goblin frontman of Necrogoblikon, as he joins Ryan Sickler to highlight and laugh at the “lowlights” of his unusual life. True to the podcast’s theme, Ryan and John dig into the comedic gold of John’s origins, his transition to Earth, challenges with fitting in, his quest for love, and navigating the world as an outsider aiming for acceptance and comedic success. Through tongue-in-cheek and satirical storytelling, they riff on identity, loneliness, human absurdities, and the pains and joys of being “different.”

---

Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Introductions & Setting the Tone

• Color Coordination and Setting Welcome
  “Thank you so much for, like, color coordinating the set. I mean, I feel so seen right now, dude.”
  — John Goblicon [02:41]

• Ryan’s Context for the Show
  “We highlight the low lights. Always say, these are the stories behind the storytellers…”
  — Ryan Sickler [01:36]

2. John Goblicon’s Origin Story

• Goblin Birth Name & Identity
  “My goblin name is… [guttural sound]... that's just kind of how it would be pronounced in our Goblin language.”
  — John Goblicon [04:33]

• Adoption by Human Parents

  • John’s Earth name was given by his adopted human parents.
  • Claims a birthday of "6/6/6," reflecting his roots in metal culture.
    “So I just went with the kind of like six. Six. Six.”
    — John [05:11]

• Goblin Age & Aging
  “I just turned 30. Oh, okay. So, you know, I think I look great for my age, Ryan.”
  — John [05:40]

  “30,000 years. Stunning. You are stunning.”
  — Ryan [05:51]

3. Goblin Planet: Life Before Earth

• Class System and Alien Societal Structure

  • Goblins lived in a “nice, gated community” plagued by conflict with trolls.
  • Hilarious riffing on goblin-troll rivalries and pop culture parallels.
    “We're like the original Bloods and the Crips… like a Britney and Christina, you know, so to speak.”
    — John [07:49]

• Goblin Entertainment & Dance-Offs

  • John’s dance skills lead to him being sent to Earth for greater opportunities.
    “We had a dance off and then my parents… when I won the dance competition… they were like: there's more for you.”
    — John [10:15]

4. Arrival & Assimilation on Earth

• Landing on Earth

  • John is dropped in LA (not NY, thanks to his mother’s “Hollywood” ambitions for him).
  • Comedic comparison to E.T. and being left behind.
    “I knew E.T. by the way. Good guy.”
    — John [16:03]

• Adopted by Earth Parents

  • John’s arrival in a cage on their lawn.
    “Dropped right off on their lawn… They came out, mustache, big smile, and smiled.”
    — John [18:09]

• First Impressions & Acceptance

  • Adoptive parents were unable to have children and see John as a prayer answered despite his fearsome appearance.
  • Satirical riffing on gender and identity:
    “You know what? We don't even include that kind of stuff. It's… that's another, like, human thing.”
    — John [22:37]

5. Growing Up as an Outcast

• Childhood Joys & Ordinary Problems

  • Memories of summer, roller skating, Mortal Kombat, and pop culture.
  • Enrolled into high school despite being a 30,000-year-old goblin.

• School Struggles & Alienation

  • Only green student, crowned prom king out of pity for diversity.
  • Endured cruelty and played along with stereotypes.
    “Kids are cruel, you know, and... spoiler alert: I was the only green guy, you know? Like, it was terrible.”
    — John [28:59]

• Pop Culture References: Cross-Species Friendship

  • Stories about famous green characters (Yoda, Hulk, Alf) and a group chat called "The Green Party."
    “We just try and keep in touch and support each other because it is hard growing up here, you know?”
    — John [17:27]

6. Early Work, Love & Dating Woes

• Entry into the Workforce

  • First job in corporate America, selling life insurance over the phone.
    “30,000 years old. Selling life… I was so good at it because I realized very quickly that I was talking to these people and they didn't have any preconceived notions… that was the first time I actually began to like humans.” — John [32:49], [33:54]

• Dating Difficulties & Being Fetishized

  • Struggles to find genuine love; people are more interested in a one-night stand with a goblin than real connection.
    "They come out and they’re like, oh, I’ve always wanted to sleep with a goblin, you know, And I'm like, let's do it. But afterwards, I don't feel great."
    — John [23:19]

• Desire for Real Connection
  “I'm looking for a connection.”
  — John [23:44]

7. Surreal Romance & Deadpan Corporate Melodrama

• Workplace Romance & Tragedy
  • A “music video/documentary” recounts John’s crush at the insurance office, a disastrous party, and “allegedly” tearing off a boss’s face to defend his crush.
    “She was like scared and… the cops came and… it was a whole kind of situation…”
    — John [38:10]

8. Turning to Comedy & Performing Arts

• Challenges in Comedy

  • Audience often thinks he's performing drama, not comedy, leading to surreal experiences of “standing ovations” where people stand and leave.
    “Early in my set, everyone stands up, up, and then they head out the door. So they're giving me a standing ovation.”
    — John [53:33]

• Insights from Ryan

  • Ryan encourages John to connect with producers and bookers, embrace failure as material, and lean into his humanity (ironically).
    “...when your audience knows you're human like them and they relate… for you to have a human moment and being a goblin would hit me harder…”
    — Ryan [58:06]

• Community Among Comedians

  • John finds acceptance and support among comedians, comparing it to a “mental hospital” of lovable outcasts.
    “Once I landed in comedy, I was like, oh, these fuck ups are familiar to me. These people, these weird, wild, fucking crazy stories…”
    — Ryan [55:04]

9. On Love and What It Means

• John’s Definition of Love
  • “For me, I think love is when you're sitting across from somebody and you could be 100% your full self, and you're not concerned about doing something where that person would look at you and take away that love. There's nothing you could do…”
    — John [49:59]

10. Advice to His Younger Self

• Time Capsule Wisdom
  • “If I could talk to 16 year old John, I'd look him in the eye. I'd say... there’s gonna be so much thrown at you… there’s something called Uber that you’re going to want to invest in very early on...”
    — John [61:24]

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Outgrowing Stereotypes:
  "We’re like the original Bloods and the Crips... like a Britney and Christina."
  — John [07:49]

• On Life Insurance and Mortality:
  "Get it together, guys. Like, you can't figure out how to live past 100 yet?"
  — John [33:09]

• On the Pain of Being Different:
  "Kids are cruel... spoiler alert: I was the only green guy, you know?... terrible."
  — John [28:59]

• On Love and True Acceptance:
  "I'm looking for a connection... That's what I love about performing... I didn't go through all this just so I could, like... be a deviant and sex, drugs, and rock and roll."
  — John [23:44], [23:58]

• On Audience Misunderstanding:
  "Early in my set, everyone stands up, up, and then they head out the door. So they're giving me a standing ovation."
  — John [53:33]

• On Comedy Community:
  "Once I landed in comedy, I was like, oh, these fuck ups are familiar to me."
  — Ryan [55:04]

---

Timestamps of Key Segments

• [02:41] – John admires the set and jokes about “Goblin Green.”
• [05:40] – John’s true age and unique aging process.
• [06:45–10:44] – Life on goblin planet, goblin-troll conflicts, and being sent to Earth.
• [14:24] – Choosing LA over NY, pop-culture infiltration by goblins.
• [17:13] – Famous “green” characters group chat and intergalactic fame.
• [19:22] – John’s adopted family welcomes him despite his appearance.
• [25:11] – Early Earth memories: Mortal Kombat, school, adapting.
• [28:59] – Uniqueness leads to isolation in high school and prom “victory.”
• [33:54] – Life insurance job and discovery of human kindness over the phone.
• [38:10] – The infamous “face-off” incident at a work party.
• [40:00] – John’s attempts at stand-up, misunderstood by audiences as “drama.”
• [49:59] – John’s definition and heartfelt take on love.
• [53:33] – “Standing ovation” as code for walkouts at his shows.
• [55:04] – Ryan’s analogy of comedians as self-aware misfits in a “mental hospital.”
• [61:24] – John’s advice to his 16-year-old self.

---

Themes & Tone

• Satirical and Absurd Storytelling:
  Heavy use of parody, playful alien analogies for real-world topics, and meta-commentary on identity, acceptance, and the weirdness of everyday life.
• Empathy and Outsider’s Perspective:
  Consistent thread of loneliness, finding community, and the universal pain of being different—made funny, warm, and poignant by both host and guest.

---

Final Thoughts

This episode blends signature HoneyDew warmth, comedic improvisation, and sharp cultural references to elevate John Goblicon’s story from sci-fi parody to a surprisingly relatable (and often touching) reflection on what it means to be seen, to belong and to chase dreams despite being a total outsider. John’s wild anecdotes and Ryan’s empathetic, irreverent style make for a hilarious, unique, and oddly profound exploration of life’s lowlights, with a goblin’s twist.

Notable final advice:
“…There’s gonna be so much thrown at you… Get in on the very, very early stages [of podcasting]… You’re gonna be just fine, Johnny boy.”
— John [61:24]

---

Listen if you like: Comedy, outsider stories, meta-humor about identity, and the collision of pop culture with personal narrative.

Transcript

[John Goblin]

Monster Energy. Everybody knows White Monster Zero Ultra. That's the OG it kicked off this whole zero sugar energy drink thing. But Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise and Vice Guava. And they all bring the Monster Energy punch.

[Ryan Sickler]

So if you've been living in the

[John Goblin]

White can branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe and every single one is Zero Sugar. Tap the banner to learn more this Women's History Month, Paramount celebrates with the

[Ryan Sickler]

Women who Move Mountains collection. Let it ride. For the women who take control and

[John Goblin]

push boundaries in Landman. Underestimating me is how I buy you out. Who forge their own paths and stay true to themselves in the Madisons.

[Ryan Sickler]

This is the most love I have ever shown you.

[John Goblin]

And who act as guides and explorers

[Ryan Sickler]

in Star Starfleet Academy.

[John Goblin]

Boldly go where no one has gone before.

[Ryan Sickler]

Explore the Women who Move Mountains collection

[John Goblin]

on Paramount Stream now.

[Ryan Sickler]

Dallas, Texas, I'm headed your way. March 27th and 28th. Spokane, Washington. I'll see you guys April 3rd and 4th. Buffalo, New York, I'm headed your way. I'll see you guys Friday, April 24th and Saturday, April 25th. Get your tickets now at Ryan Sickler.com the Honeydew with Ryan Sickler. Welcome back to the Hottie Do y'.

[John Goblin]

All.

[Ryan Sickler]

We're over here doing it in the Night Pants studios. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler.com and Ryan Sickler. On all your social media, I can't thank you guys enough for supporting the show, supporting anything I do out there. And if you gotta have more, you have got to check out the Patreon. It's called the Honeydew with y'. All. It is this show with y'. All. And, and if you haven't checked it out yet, look, the, the, the thing to do you can do for free is to go check out the best of episodes. We just did one with Tom Segura. I think we have about three other ones with Josh Wolf. And then you can go over and for five bucks a month, a cup of coffee. You're getting years worth of wild episodes. All right, check it out. It's on Patreon. And we also have exclusive episodes of the Junkyard series I did in Baltimore over there as well. All right, that's the biz. You know what we're doing here? We highlight the low lights. Always say, these are the stories behind the storytellers. And I am very excited to have this guest with us today. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome John Goblin.

[John Goblin]

Look at. I mean, dude, thank you so much for, like, color coordinating the set. I mean, I feel so seen right now, dude.

[Ryan Sickler]

Do you feel safe and seen?

[John Goblin]

I do, man. I mean, this is like Goblin Green. I love the choices.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know what I mean? Dude, it is a. It's a pleasure to meet you, and

[John Goblin]

it's nice to meet you.

[Ryan Sickler]

Thank you for being.

[John Goblin]

Thank you for having me.

[Ryan Sickler]

Absolutely. Before we get into your story, John, right there. Please feel free to promote anything you'd like.

[John Goblin]

All right. Make sure you check out Ryan Sickler's Patreon. I mean, for a cup of coffee. I mean, that seems like a pretty darn good deal. I mean, by golf. Also, you can find me on my podcast, the Right Now Podcast with John Gobblekhan. I'm gonna have Ryan on at some point. I've had people like Howie Mandel, best sell, Rick Glassman, Mark Norman, all kinds of stuff you can check out. And coming out in a couple of weeks, we have Kev on stage. I mean, what a killer he is. So. Yeah. And also, I am going to try and put up my one gob show, just me on stage for 45 minutes. I'm gonna try and do it at the Lesion in la. So maybe by this is out that will be able to be, you know, buy those tickets and stuff.

[Ryan Sickler]

All right. And then you're also going to shoot that and release that eventually somewhere they'll be able to see if they can't attend or be Ryan.

[John Goblin]

There might be little rumblings of that, I think.

[Ryan Sickler]

I like it. I like it.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

All right, so I'm. Let's jump in, bro.

[John Goblin]

Let's do it, man. I'm ready. I. I was told that we would be digging into my past, you know, so I took some Lexa Prow or whatever that was given to me by your producer before this. I feel relaxed. Great. I'm ready.

[Ryan Sickler]

I have first question I'm going to start with. Is John Goblichan? What's. What's your actual birth name? Is it Jonathan? Do you have a middle name? Do you guys do that where you're from?

[John Goblin]

Yeah. So, I mean. Or have you spoken Goblin before? So. Yeah. So John Goblin Cod was the name given to me by my adopted human parents, which I'm sure we'll get into. But my goblin name is. Oh. You know, so that's. That's just kind of how it would be pronounced in our Goblin language.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is there a translation, An English translation for Jonathan? Yeah, they. So they just lucked out. Yeah, they nailed it.

[John Goblin]

Just really good choice. I thought Great.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay. Seems like solid choice of parents.

[John Goblin]

I think so. Yeah. I look down.

[Ryan Sickler]

What's your birth? Or do you have an Earth birthday?

[John Goblin]

You know, I, I. Because of, you know, coming from the metal world and stuff like that. They were like, you know, John, like, what do you think your Earth birthday would be? So I just went with the kind of like six. Six. Six.

[Ryan Sickler]

Got it.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay. So June 6th.

[John Goblin]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is your birthday. And would they celebrate that yearly with you?

[John Goblin]

Yeah. Every year. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And did they. Is there any way to gauge in our human number system how old you would be?

[John Goblin]

I just turned 30. Oh, okay. So, you know, I. Yeah, I. I think I look great for my age, Ryan.

[Ryan Sickler]

30, 000 years. Stunning. You are stunned. I had a whole head of hair.

[John Goblin]

Well, almost. Yeah. I mean, if you. I kind of got like the. The forefather look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, give me the Benjamin Franklin.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know, you got the Betty Franklin.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, dude, I like it. But it's also a. It's a preceding hairline. A lot of people don't know that it's coveted.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, you're growing still.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. So another 30k. I think I'll. You know what I mean? I'll be looking like Fabio. It'll be fantastic.

[Ryan Sickler]

All right, so let's go back to the beginning. Gosh. There's two beginnings for you, now that I'm thinking about it.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

There's your goblin beginning.

[John Goblin]

Correct.

[Ryan Sickler]

And then there's Earth beginning.

[John Goblin]

Yes. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

What would you like to talk about first? I mean, let's go to the beginning beginning just to find out a little bit about your history and. And where you're from, and then we can go to planet Earth. Is that cool?

[John Goblin]

Yeah. You know, I am not from this planet, and so we come from a far, far, far off planet. It was like a nice, like, goblet village, you know, lower middle class, you know? All right. It was gated. Okay. Upper middle class. There was a gate to get in. You could punch it, a code and stuff like that. But I grew up around pretty much all goblins, and that was kind of the way I grew up. It was a nice goblin community. But what happened was, at some point, we were overrun by the T word. Yo.

[Ryan Sickler]

Can I say it?

[John Goblin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Trolls.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

Wow. Hard R. Okay.

[Ryan Sickler]

I hit it with that, you know.

[John Goblin]

Okay. All right. It's all right.

[Ryan Sickler]

No.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. So we were over, like Billy Goats

[Ryan Sickler]

Gruff up for us a long time. Yeah.

[John Goblin]

Represent. But trolls, man. Like, trolls. A lot of people don't know, like, Goblins and trolls. We have like a very long standing beef.

[Ryan Sickler]

I did not know.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, we're like the original Bloods of the Crips.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

You know, like a Britney and Christina, you know, so to speak. What's like.

[Ryan Sickler]

See how that one ended?

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

I mean, I hope you guys are the, the Christinas.

[John Goblin]

That's what, that's what. Yeah, yeah. I want to end up on a nice reality show, talent show. And not with my head shaved, banging an SUV with an umbrella slowly as

[Ryan Sickler]

that hair comes in. Yeah, I'm actually.

[John Goblin]

I'm the reverse Britney. That's what I am. That's what I'm trying to do, man.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, so wait, I have a qu. Yeah, of course. I have a million questions. I'll. I'll try to shut up though. But on this planet, is it a name for the plan? Is it a planet or is it a star? Where do you come from? It.

[John Goblin]

I think the way you guys would look at it, you'd be like, well, that's a planet.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know, Pluto is a planet to me. So I'm probably going to say it's a planet.

[John Goblin]

Oh, see, you're on that side. Of course I'm on your side. Pluto is like, there's a planet, dude. And all of a sudden they're like forever. They're like, this is a planet. These are our planet.

[Ryan Sickler]

30, 000 years. According to you, it's a planet. Not just, not just the 52. I've been here. And all of a sudden it's not.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, it's like, dudes, like you have one podcast where Neil Degrasse Tyson is like, that ain't a thing anymore. And it's like, what's going on, man?

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, so on your planet, are there just goblins in the way that there are just humans here? But do you have pets and things? Etc. And I asked that because is it also inhabited by trolls or did trolls come in and take over?

[John Goblin]

Yeah. So it is a Goblin planet and it's, it's green. You know, honestly, it kind of looks like your logo, dude. Like, it's a little bit like that.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Where would you say you lived on this?

[John Goblin]

I probably live like right in the Ryan Sickler area.

[Ryan Sickler]

Perfect. Yeah.

[John Goblin]

You know what I mean? That's what I mean.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's a great spot.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, absolutely. It's weird.

[Ryan Sickler]

It looks like a gated community area.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, same spot too, which is very interesting. But I lived there and it was mostly goblins. It's all us, you know, and then out of nowhere, the trolls come over. I don't know if they like beamed it or they just. I don't know how they got there, but all of a sudden everywhere we looked, you know, and it was just a battle. It was just an epic battle. We were trying to fight them, they were trying to fight us. We had a dance off and then my parents, I think they were like, it's getting a little too dangerous. And they realized when I won the dance competition.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, you won it?

[John Goblin]

Yeah, I can move. Thank you. I think they were like, dude, there's more for you. So they were like, where can we send him where he's going to really thrive? And they knew I was a little performer, you know, and I think they saw Earth because I don't know if you know this, but like, we definitely consume a lot of your, you know, content, entertainment. It's, it's.

[Ryan Sickler]

Honestly, I don't know, about that far. Okay.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

See, we always wonder if we're like the dumpster to the galaxy or wherever you guys are from. We always wonder if people fly by and be like, that place, they're shooting each other, killing each other. They're crazy down there. Yeah, but you actually enjoy. But you're saying. That may be true, but it sounds like you might like what we put out. Art and entertainment.

[John Goblin]

Yes. Yeah. Everyone loves your podcast.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Goblin]

I only do.

[Ryan Sickler]

I mean, I would monetize that out.

[John Goblin]

That's approved. Yeah, yeah, exactly. We gotta find the right kind of YouTube algorithm to get you over interstellar, you know? Yeah, dude, I'm gonna do it. Dude, I'm gonna get us out there. They're. They're watching, they're listening. If anyone out there is watching, listening, just know like, you know, we're all paying attention to what you guys are doing.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, you know what's really cool, actually? Your people may see this one day because you guys live much longer than we do. Yeah, I'm. And I'm. I'm. I apologize. I can't remember his name off the top of my head right now, but he's a great dude and he was a fan of the show, used to work at SpaceX and then I. He moved over to another company called Revolt or something like that. Maybe I can't remember. Building a great wardrobe comes down to finding pieces that feel good, mix well and last. And that is exactly what you get with quints. With premium fabrics and well thought designs. They make everyday essentials that feel great and are dependable even as the seasons change. We're kind of in that weird weather right now where it starts off cool in the morning, but then it's either hot or raining by the afternoon. Quince's Flowknit Breeze long sleeve tee has been a staple for me. It looks sharp, it's not stiff and suffocating, and it fits what I'm doing. Whether it's work errands or weekend cheer tournaments, Quince works directly with top factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality, not just some brand markup. Their clothing is rated between 4.5 and 5 stars by thousands of people wearing it every day. And they only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. Stop over complicating your wardrobe. You don't need a closet full of options. You need a few pieces that actually work right now. Go to quint.comhoneydew for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to q-u I n c.comhoneydew for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.comhoneydew but anyway, they build rockets down here. And I took my daughter, Elon. He used to work for Elon. Okay, yeah. So he took. He took us on a tour, my stepson and my daughter. And they were showing us this 3D rocket they're making just a printing right in front of us. They're printing a rocket and he took a photo of us and he put it in there with the people from the. And boom. So there's a photo of us out there in outer space, bro. How badass is that though? I mean, there may be a chance one day your people run into it, dude.

[John Goblin]

Well, here's the thing is, I'm like, if I get the chance to go back and they're like, you could take like one or two humans. I'll see what you're up to, man. Let me know your fails.

[Ryan Sickler]

Let me know. Yeah, let me know.

[John Goblin]

That could be kind of fun. Like, ladies and gentlemen, Ghouls and Goblins, Ryan Sickler.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay. Yeah. Better, better place for John Goblin. So they choose. They choose here because of the influence and the familiarity kind of.

[John Goblin]

We're like, you know, cuz I don't know if you know this, but like almost like 90% of movies are about Earth in some way. So we were already like really just into your culture and so we're like, we got to try out this place, Earth. So my dad, he was, like, trying to get me to the East Coast. He was like, you'll blend in, go to New York, they won't even recognize you. You'll go on the train, they'll just think you're one of you. You basically speak their language. Your dad's definitely familiar with this place. Yeah. He was like, dude, you go on the H rad, ain't no one going to look sideways at you, dude.

[Ryan Sickler]

He's like, sea t. Yeah.

[John Goblin]

And I. I love rats. They're delicious. So he was like, they're going to, like. They're pl. You got to see the rats there. They're huge. They're plus size.

[Ryan Sickler]

I said the all because I was. I was surprised to hear they were delicious. That was the part.

[John Goblin]

Very delicious. And so he was really pushing East Coast. I was like, all right, I can get into this. But my mom, I think she knew. She was like, why don't you go to the place where the cast of Entourage lives? And I was like, yes, Mom. That's what. That's what I mean. So I was like, okay, what about la? She was like, you are destined to be a star.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay?

[John Goblin]

So she was like, I'm gonna drop you off in la. We'll get you with a nice family, and then we'll be back. She said that. Which I think she was trying to quote Terminator, but she, like, kind of messed it up. She was like, well, be back. I was like, I think it's. I.

[Ryan Sickler]

But, you know, but also, I'm sure you're familiar with this. This little bit of ET Is. Little ET Is here where he gets left behind. They're sending you and we'll be back. Yeah, they left him.

[John Goblin]

I knew E.T. by the way. Good guy.

[Ryan Sickler]

Was he Good guy? It's so good to hear. Cuz, you know, sometimes you see these actors and then you meet him in person. You're like, what a dick.

[John Goblin]

That. That's alpha.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's good to hear.

[John Goblin]

Alphabet's like. I mean, two. Talk about two face like, she. She. As soon as she got wicked. Who?

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, that's Who. That guy?

[John Goblin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, of course.

[John Goblin]

Course. And yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Forgot about that green person.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, well, we. We're all text red, by the way. Incredible Hulk credible Hulk green. He's a dick, man.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

And. And here's the thing. He's only half. Dude. He's only half.

[Ryan Sickler]

Good point. And only when he's pissed.

[John Goblin]

And it's like he's always like, dude, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. It's like, we don't like you ever. Dude, he sounds like a baby with cte. You know? It's like, why Solid. What's that?

[Ryan Sickler]

ET Solid.

[John Goblin]

He's a hobie. Dude.

[Ryan Sickler]

How about alf? See, from melmac.

[John Goblin]

I like alf. Okay. And he introduced cats. He introduced me to cats.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, are they delicious?

[John Goblin]

I think they're pretty good. A lot of times I'll. They're. You know how, like, a cat will get, like a hairball? Well, I'll eat a cat, and you'll get he. If he adjusted a hairball, then it's like a. It's, like, really good. Stuck there.

[Ryan Sickler]

I gotcha.

[John Goblin]

But I. I love Alpha. I love a lot of those people. Like, a lot of us will kind of hang together because it's just kind of like we have like, a. A text read with all the famous green people on it. It's called the green party.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, great.

[John Goblin]

So we're all on there, and we just try and keep in touch and support each other because it is hard growing up here, you know?

[Ryan Sickler]

I'm. I'm so loving this interview right now. All right, so mom's dropping you off. What. What exactly does that mean?

[John Goblin]

And where do you literally from the sky. In a cage. There was the big boob, and then there was my boob, you know? And so I think that's why I don't remember as much of my goblin childhood as I would like to, because I hit hard, you know?

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

And I came up off a little woozy. And then I met what became to be my adopted parents.

[Ryan Sickler]

And how'd you meet them?

[John Goblin]

They. I honestly dropped right off on their lawn.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, no.

[John Goblin]

I was in a cage, which was a little dramatic. AKA I loved it. And they came out of the house. Okay.

[Ryan Sickler]

What time of day or night is this?

[John Goblin]

The morning. It's a morning.

[Ryan Sickler]

We're starting the day off.

[John Goblin]

Just starting.

[Ryan Sickler]

And what is your Earth anniversary? What's the day you hit here?

[John Goblin]

Well, that. That I. I believe it was the. The six of the six. You know, they tried to light it up. Well. And, I mean, we got a weird calendar.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

I mean, that's the thing.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's gonna be a leap year, you know? Yeah.

[John Goblin]

See, the way you guys do it, I feel like is really messed up. Doesn't make any sense. It's like 12 months, seven hours. It's like. It's really just a way for. What I've noticed is, like, for humans to Feel like they have some kind of a semblance of control and stuff like that. You guys don't have any.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know, it's becoming more and more apparent.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, absolutely. And so I get dropped off. These two people come out of the house, and there's this guy, you know, mustache, big smile. There's this lady, mustache, big smile. And they're looking at me and smiling, though.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

And I. At first they were like, kind of like your dog. Like, at first people see me, their immediate reaction is like, oh, my God. Like, what is this? But then I think I showed up. My yellows, you know, And I think they. What I later found out is they were trying to have a child, but they could not, and their prayers were answered. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And that's why they're smiling.

[John Goblin]

And they said that.

[Ryan Sickler]

And they were like, those mustaches, they

[John Goblin]

were like, as Gob. As our witness. Look at this, honey. And I was like. Yeah. They. Oh, they already believe in Gob. This is great. And so they came over to the cage, and they're like, it's not the way we expected it, but here's the stick. And it had a little note on it. What is that, for sale? And they read it, and they said, we're interested. And they took me inside. And from that point on, honestly, they let me make their house a home. And they took me in. They protected me. Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

I was just. Sorry to interrupt.

[John Goblin]

No.

[Ryan Sickler]

Do they have any adopted children already? They're trying to have. So you're there first only.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. I mean, they were. They were on the older side.

[Ryan Sickler]

Sure.

[John Goblin]

You know, they. They idol. Well, for us. Yeah. For. For you guys. I mean, for me, it's like. That's, like. That's like a Tuesday, you know? I mean. But for them, they were on the older side, so I think, like, they had fully given up on this idea.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, it's interesting, though, because. And I mean this in no offensive way, obviously, you're dropping out of the sky already. Jarring. As you're. You're landing in the morning in a cage. Jarring.

[John Goblin]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

You look like none of us. Jarring.

[John Goblin]

Correct. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

You showed them the yellows. You. You know, your teeth are. They're great teeth.

[John Goblin]

Thank you.

[Ryan Sickler]

But they do look like they could tear the fucking flesh right off my riot.

[John Goblin]

Sure they could.

[Ryan Sickler]

The eyes. Terrifying at first.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Just. First glance.

[John Goblin]

Okay.

[Ryan Sickler]

But I sit here, and as I talk to you, I see the warmth.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And I see the love.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Already can tell what a kind soul you are. The. The. The claws again. Could Rip my throat out at a flick. Absolutely. So they must have really loved the fuck out of you to come out and be like, hey, beggars can't be choosers. We're taking what we can get. This guy's. Or maybe they don't know your sex at the time. And John sounds, you know, I don't want to gender you, but, you know. Score more with the college branded Venmo debit card and earn up to 5% cash back with Venmo stash. Got paid back with the Venmo debit card, you can instantly access your balance and save.

[John Goblin]

Spend on what you want, like game

[Ryan Sickler]

day, snacks, gear, tickets and more. The more you do, the more cash back you can earn. Plus, there's no monthly fee or minimum balance. Sign up [e-mail] CollegeCard the Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank. NA Select Schools available Venmo Stash terms and exclusions apply at venmo me termsterms max 100 cash back per month.

[John Goblin]

That's exactly what they said.

[Ryan Sickler]

They must have loved the out.

[John Goblin]

That's exactly what they said. Word for word what they said.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's.

[John Goblin]

That crazy.

[Ryan Sickler]

And I'm built for this.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. Dude.

[Ryan Sickler]

If you all have any other ones,

[John Goblin]

I was like, dad, is that. Is that you?

[Ryan Sickler]

Wait, real quick.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

How many genders you guys have out there? Just the two.

[John Goblin]

You know what? We don't even include that kind of stuff. It's. It's. It's. That's another, like, human thing where it's like, I'm really trying to, like, hold on to this. Like, we're like. I don't even know what that means. Yeah. I mean, it's like I got all parts, you know?

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, all parts.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. And I. And I've recently tried to really open up my sexuality because it just wasn't working. I've been trying to date, but it's just. It is so hard, dude, on these apps. You know what I mean?

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

Think of all the apps now.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, also. And I feel for you in a way because I imagine there's a lot of freaks out there that want to get at you because you're a bucket list or you're different, but they're not really coming to love John Goblin.

[John Goblin]

And that's what happens, dude.

[Ryan Sickler]

They're just coming to bounce on your parts.

[John Goblin]

That's right. At the end of my shows, it's like, I'm like a. I'm a attraction to them. They come out and they're like, oh, I've always wanted to sleep with the goblet, you know, And I'm like, let's do it. But afterwards, I don't feel great.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. You know, cuz you're. For you. They're a been there, done that now.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And you're like, that's not what I'm looking for.

[John Goblin]

That's right. I. I'm. I'm looking for a connection.

[Ryan Sickler]

I see it in your eyes.

[John Goblin]

That's what I came here for. It's like I. That's what I love about performing. That's what I wanted to. It's like I. My parents didn't drop me off from our planet.

[Ryan Sickler]

No.

[John Goblin]

Millions of miles away. Boom. I smashed down into a lawn, you know, somewhere deep in the valley. Raa. So I'm in Raa. It's like, I didn't go through all this riot just so I could, like, you know, fool around and, you know, be a deviant and sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, good for you, because you could have. Yeah, you could have. And a lot of people on this planet do John Gobblecon. You're coming out here from somewhere else and saying, no, God damn it. I've got a purpose and a hustle and I'm gonna do this.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. Now, all right. Now, granted, I do love sex, drugs and rock.

[Ryan Sickler]

Of course. Of course. That's what this planet's built on. Yeah. Literally. Sex, drugs and rock and roll.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Go back. Let's just rewind for a moment. We're now in their home as if it's yours. You're wide open. And what happens now? Do we have to enroll you in schools? Like, what are we doing next here?

[John Goblin]

Yeah, it. There was one summer, the summer I was there, where I wasn't aware of what was to come. So, like, that first summer, it was amazing, you know, it was the 90s, you know, to be. It was. It was slip and slides and Super Soakers and ice cream man. All summer, roller skate.

[Ryan Sickler]

Can you roller skate?

[John Goblin]

I could do a little bit, yeah. I've been known to get around. And we had the best time. You know, I was playing Mortal Kombat all day, you know, watching Skin all night. And then all of a sudden they were like, guess what, dude? You're going to Receda High School.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh.

[John Goblin]

Cuz, I don't know, like, what got Lost in Translation from, like, my real parents to these parents. But not only did they, like, treat me like a child, sometimes I think they thought I was one, even though I had just turned 30.

[Ryan Sickler]

K. That's what I'm saying. So also, you're. You're basically a turnkey person when you're land and you're re. You already know how to read, right? Whatever. You don't need to go to learn art. Well, maybe you do need to learn our Alphabet. Maybe you don't. I don't know. But you don't definitely don't need to be in preschool.

[John Goblin]

I learned it from movies. I. I basically.

[Ryan Sickler]

I.

[John Goblin]

And we process things pretty quickly.

[Ryan Sickler]

And so is that also how you learned English as well? From the movies and the content?

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Makes sense that.

[John Goblin]

That's. That's why I sound like Nick. No, got it.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

And so then I realized. What was your favorite?

[Ryan Sickler]

Nick?

[John Goblin]

No, all of them. You know, just all of them. I love his tone. 48 hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Ryan Sickler]

48 hours. Good. North Dallas 40. That's a good one, too.

[John Goblin]

What if I only watch Nick Nolte movies and listen to Tom weights? And I'm like, that's why I sound about love talk.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, so we're in school. We're putting you in school.

[John Goblin]

We. They sent me to high school. And as you can imagine, high school's probably hard enough for humans.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

You know, and high school was hard for me way back when, even when everyone was green.

[Ryan Sickler]

So you already had your. Okay.

[John Goblin]

You know, so I. I already went through it.

[Ryan Sickler]

Got it.

[John Goblin]

Which could you imagine, Ryan, someone telling you, like, hey, dude, you got to go back through high school on another planet. On another planet?

[Ryan Sickler]

Hell, no. No.

[John Goblin]

You don't even want to go to high school again in your own town.

[Ryan Sickler]

No.

[John Goblin]

Again.

[Ryan Sickler]

Do you play sports for high school? Because that's a good way to ingratiate yourself with friends and make people. You know, lasting relationships is.

[John Goblin]

I mean, the amount of deflated balls, you know, because of me. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Are your toes the same way?

[John Goblin]

Yeah, they're clock. Yeah, it was. I mean, honestly, there really wasn't one. You know, even track. I was trying to, you know, you can't wrestle, but they were like, you can't be on all fours. I'm like, what? What are you talking about? How do you run? I was just going through the. One of those things. You leap over them. They're like hurdles. Fighting through the middle of them just plowing through. And I was crushing those kids. It should be legal, though, man.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, what about ice skating? I feel like with those talons on your feet, you could crush skates.

[John Goblin]

Now there's something I feel like I would have been good at, but they Were really pushing me.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, they don't have ice skating out here. You would have been in Michigan or somewhere like that.

[John Goblin]

Not. That makes sense. Yeah, there's not a lot of. In Reseda. Yeah. Well, they're coming in droves now. Okay. But at that time riot. There wasn't. There really wasn't, dude. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's just you and Ralph Macchio, you know, going out there for his uncle,

[John Goblin]

and so I'm just out in high school. I'm trying my best, and now I did get prom king.

[Ryan Sickler]

You did?

[John Goblin]

Yeah. But it.

[Ryan Sickler]

It wasn't voted, though, so that. You must have been popular.

[John Goblin]

It wasn't out of popularity. I think it was out of pity. They had, like, a new diversity initiative. They were like, you're our only creature of color. Like, you know.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

The prom queen was just a pile of socks. You know, they just put a crowd on a pile of socks, and I had a dance with it. Okay. So it was humiliating, honestly. And I couldn't wait to get through the high school experience, because it was terrible. And kids are cruel, you know, and. And they were like, oh, recede. High school. It's so diverse. It's like, spoiler alert. I was the only green guy, you know? Like, it was terrible. The things that they would say and the things they would call. I mean. Yeah, I don't want to say, like, what everyone, but everyone there was like, Yoda. You know, it's like, that was like. That was so funny to them, you

[Ryan Sickler]

know, because you've met Yoda, though, right?

[John Goblin]

Oh, yeah. He's a good dude. But I knew him pre drugs. Yeah. He didn't always talk like that.

[Ryan Sickler]

He didn't?

[John Goblin]

No, no, no.

[Ryan Sickler]

He used to talk.

[John Goblin]

That's my fault. I took him to the Mexican mountains. You know, he. He had an amazing command of the English language. You know, Took him one summer up there. He comes to back. He's like, all you want go be like. Like, yeah, no yod balls. You be tripping. You know, the dude just. He. I. I may have messed him up, but. Great career from them. Like, he met George and they just start doing all these movies. Now he's got his grandkids and, like, the. The things he's got, you know, little, tiny.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, so he's.

[John Goblin]

I mean, a disy. The residual.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, I. Look, I'm also a massive Yoda fan. There's a Yoda out there in the studio and every.

[John Goblin]

Text him, please let him know.

[Ryan Sickler]

Every year, my daughter at the top of our Christmas tree under the star. Yoda Yoda overlooks.

[John Goblin]

Oh, well.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, yeah.

[John Goblin]

Honestly, he's one of the real ones.

[Ryan Sickler]

Let him know we'd love to have them on.

[John Goblin]

I. I'll. I bet I could get him. Yeah, I bet I could get him. I will be like, hard. You must do Sickler Ryan. You know, like. And he'll be like, oh. And he'll like, in his head, like, you know. Yeah, he's. I think he's what they say that he's on the spectrum or whatever they,

[Ryan Sickler]

you know what spectrum? You know what I mean for him. Interesting, right? Yeah. Okay, so we're out of high school.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, we're done. Finally.

[Ryan Sickler]

And where do you go to college?

[John Goblin]

See, I applied, but I didn't get in anywhere. Later down the line I did.

[Ryan Sickler]

Was interesting because here, you know, universities are supposed to be the place for, you know, to embrace diversity and of thought.

[John Goblin]

That is what they say, dude. But they would push Cubs to shove. I mean, they didn't even have a box for me to check.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, I bet.

[John Goblin]

It's like that was the thing is every time I was applying for jobs or.

[Ryan Sickler]

What's your sat? Did they make you take an sat?

[John Goblin]

I did take the sat.

[Ryan Sickler]

What'd you get?

[John Goblin]

Well, I just sat. And this episode is brought to you by White Claw Search. Great podcast pick, friend. No surprises there. After all, you're all about finding the tastiest flavors out there. Just like White Claw Surge. And with big bold flavors to enjoy like blood orange, BlackBerry, cranberry and more. It's time to go all in on taste. Unleash the flavor. Unleash White Claw Surge. Please drink responsibly. Hard seltzer with flavors. 8% alcohol by volume. White Cloth Seltzer Works, Chicago, IL at light I might be. And I waited. And then I ate the pencil.

[Ryan Sickler]

All right. And then we were out of there. Yeah, I mean, listen, community college sounded perfect.

[John Goblin]

I think so. And I was really interested in it. But then I realized if you are feeling the way I was feeling, like your soul is just not even existing anymore and you just have like this dark hole in your heart and no one will hire you, no one will accept you. You could work in corporate America.

[Ryan Sickler]

You can. Yeah, absolutely.

[John Goblin]

So I immediately got hired in a series.

[Ryan Sickler]

I mean, you figured it out instantly.

[John Goblin]

And I loved sales. I was so good at it.

[Ryan Sickler]

What were you selling at the time?

[John Goblin]

It was life insurance.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

You know, and I, I, I mean, technically I'm still employed there.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

But I loved it because I was talking to all these people all day.

[Ryan Sickler]

30,000 years old. Selling life.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. Which is, you know, for people who

[Ryan Sickler]

maybe, what, an average of 75.

[John Goblin]

Which seems so, like. Like, get it together, guys. Like, you can't figure out how to live past 100 yet. So I honestly be like, oh, guys, I don't really know how this works, but it seems like you'll need this, you know? And I was so good at it because I realized very quickly that I was talking to these people and they didn't have any preconceived notions. So I was really able to, like, connect with them. And that was, like, a really nice time. Just being on the phones all day, just talk to these people. No one's going like, oh, just a goblet. Or, oh, greedy. I don't want to talk to you. Or like, oh, what's with your ears? You know, none of that stuff. So I was just able to really just kind of connect with them. And that was, like, the first time I actually began to like humans.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

It was like a little turning point for me. I was, like, really getting to know some of them, and I was like, you know what? I think I misjudged them a little too much.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, well, good for you for opening your mind up. That's what college is. You know, the goal of that sort of is. Yeah, you're not in college, you know. Yeah, that part. That time of your life.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, I think so. And so.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, so a couple questions for you here. The obvious is, you know, do you have a lady friend or whatever? But before we get to that, any guy, any bro. You know what I mean? Was there a guy where that just was like, you're my dude. I don't give a fuck. And. And vice versa. Were you like, that's the human I'm. You know. Did you have a buddy, a pal?

[John Goblin]

No.

[Ryan Sickler]

No.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. To answer your question, Ryan Tickler. No. No, I did not.

[Ryan Sickler]

Fair enough.

[John Goblin]

Fair enough.

[Ryan Sickler]

Moving on. How about dating? You know, obviously, you know, look, you're battling a lot here. You're. You're chasing a dream, and that's here to off and see what it's like to report back to someone. You're here with a purpose.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And while you're working on that purpose, which I also have come not from another planet, but across this country to. To do the same thing. It's lonely.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And, you know, you're probably missing family. Even with this adopted family, you're still out there on your own. It's very lonely. And once you start getting lonely, does John Goblin say, and. And did you have a love back home that you left a couple questions there, I guess for you?

[John Goblin]

No. Yeah, and I definitely did. I. I had a. A gob gal who I really had a crush on and I thought was kind of gonna go somewhere, but then, you know, I move. So kind of starting from square one.

[Ryan Sickler]

And you had no children there or anything like that?

[John Goblin]

No, no. Nope.

[Ryan Sickler]

Just never been married before or anything like that?

[John Goblin]

No, no. Just like 2600 brothers and sisters.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. You know, just never engaged or anything.

[John Goblin]

No, no, no, no.

[Ryan Sickler]

But this. This one was definitely had sex.

[John Goblin]

Well, I know. That's your next question. I definitely have. Right. For sure.

[Ryan Sickler]

I have my next question, actually. Was this lady was. Might have been the one.

[John Goblin]

For sure. I've had it, dude. For sure. Man on earth or. Oh, for sure. Yeah, I figured out here might be easier. For sure. I have. I'm definitely not a virgin and I'm definitely not a virgin.

[Ryan Sickler]

You're not a gob virgin or an earth virgin?

[John Goblin]

No, I. I definitely know what it is. I know how it works. I've seen it. I've done it for sure.

[Ryan Sickler]

All right, well, we'll get to that in a second, but. So you had a lady friend up there, a God gal?

[John Goblin]

I. I was pursuing somebody else. You know, we were an official. You know, she was unaware of how I felt, but I definitely was like, you know, I was trying to.

[Ryan Sickler]

And now you get dropped here. Who's the first lady that. That looks past all this, so to speak?

[John Goblin]

Yeah, well, I. There was a gal at work who I didn't.

[Ryan Sickler]

And where you were selling insurance?

[John Goblin]

Yeah, there was.

[Ryan Sickler]

I mean, she's like a work wife they call here.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, I think. I think that would. That would be pretty apropot. Yeah, apricot. And I. I think that is like kind of what you would call it. Like, I had a thing for her. This is actually. Actually documented in a music video.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is it?

[John Goblin]

Yeah, there's a music video called no One Survives by my band, Necro Gobblecon.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

And it's kind of like a documentary about when I was working at the life insurance agency.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

And so there's this gal, Katie, and I had a big crush on her. And what happened was she invited me to her birthday party. I, you know, got a little high and I showed up. I was feeling myself. And our boss. Brad.

[Ryan Sickler]

Brad.

[John Goblin]

Brad, Brad. Dude, Brad, you know, he was getting a little handsy with her.

[Ryan Sickler]

With Katie?

[John Goblin]

Yeah, with Kaden, Your girl?

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry, what was her name?

[John Goblin]

Kaden.

[Ryan Sickler]

Kaden. Yeah, my bad. I thought you said Katie.

[John Goblin]

It's okay. I mean, that's what I like to call her, Katie.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

And he was getting, like. I said I didn't like it. So I sprung into action after seven or eight whiskeys and I allegedly, I allegedly tore his face off. And so I thought that when I, when I finished, she was gonna be like, oh, my God, John. Like, thank you. You're right here. You're right, Arbor. But she kind of was like, ah. She was like scared and she like the cops cave and, and so it was like a whole kind of situation. So I, I, it is a different

[Ryan Sickler]

corporate America is a different world.

[John Goblin]

I mean, the amount of like red tape and rules I had to follow.

[Ryan Sickler]

I bet you're an HR nightmare. You are an HR nightmare.

[John Goblin]

I was always at that office.

[Ryan Sickler]

Office.

[John Goblin]

Dude. They're just constantly. And that, that was the hardest part about living here is you can watch all the movies you want, you can learn the language, but I don't think they depict real life well enough in your films.

[Ryan Sickler]

You're exactly.

[John Goblin]

Because I feel like there were so many things that I didn't pick up on.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like what?

[John Goblin]

Well, just like, like social norms and stuff like that. You know what I mean?

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, for example, you're perfect for comedy.

[John Goblin]

See, that's what you would think.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

That's what you. And so that's what I did. That's why I'm trying to do that now.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

I mean, that's about this pot is really to pick your brain to help me.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, you've got the one Gob show. You can certainly incorporate humor and comedy into that.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. Because what's been happening is the reason why I'm starting to pivot now is because I was doing all these stand up sets, but I think they thought they were seeing theater because I would be telling these jokes and they'd be so quiet, you know?

[Ryan Sickler]

Yep. Know exactly what you mean.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, I mean, I'd be telling a joke and then people can't do what you're doing. They're just doing this. And I'd be like. And you're like, oh, they, they think it's a drama, Right. So I, I was like, let me just make it a drama.

[Ryan Sickler]

Right.

[John Goblin]

And then if I bill it as a drama that people don't laugh. People are like, oh, it's not funny. Like it's not supposed to be. Right.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's dropping dramatic. And if you get comedy out of this, well, hey, that's a bonus.

[John Goblin]

That there it is. So I think that's kind of the pivot now.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay. So after we rip a guy's face. Allegedly rip a guy's face off, we pivot into comedy immediately from there. Is that.

[John Goblin]

No, it wasn't immediate. I do this documentary about the situation turns into a music video. There's this band called Necro Goblin. They're a metal band that writes songs about goblins.

[Ryan Sickler]

And are you in the band?

[John Goblin]

I joined the band.

[Ryan Sickler]

You joined?

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

So after this, what's your instrument? Well, yeah, John. The throat pipes of the band.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, that's right.

[Ryan Sickler]

How are your pipes after 30k?

[John Goblin]

I think they're improving.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. All right.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. A lot of people. Well, see that. That's the biggest difference is you guys go like this.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. I don't know why that's interesting.

[John Goblin]

We're doing this.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

It's like everyone's like, oh, you must be feeling like, oh, your back must be hurting now. And all this stuff. It's like, what do you mean?

[Ryan Sickler]

I'm just getting started.

[John Goblin]

Getting older. I'm getting better. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

George Carlin, I'm sure you know who. George.

[John Goblin]

I love George.

[Ryan Sickler]

You're right. Words had a bit about why it's a shame that we're. Us humans are born as bait. We don't remember any of this. And you got all this love and someone doing. It's so free. There's no obligations and responsibilities. And then we grow old and die when we should be born old with all the responsibility and grow young and die with free and love and laugh and running around and blah, blah, blah. Just. It's a great thought.

[John Goblin]

That's how it works with goblets. I wonder if George.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

Met someone great, thought maybe he had, like, an adopted goblin maybe on his lawn. Maybe a lot of that perspective because that's kind of how it works with us. Yeah, that's what I mean about my hair. It's like it's headed in. And so I, like. My hump is getting smaller.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. I'm getting more upright as I grow older. And I think that's kind of the.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, so wait. Questions. You're into the. I want to talk a little bit more personal here. You're into the entertainment industry. You know, you've had sex. Whatever. Have you had a love, though? Have you had someone? And are you interested in having kids and Kenya with a human?

[John Goblin]

Yeah. I would like to find out. You know, I really would. I'm willing. I'm willing and ready.

[Ryan Sickler]

So you've had. You've had the act that can. That could produce. You just haven't had a lady yet who's like, I want to. But you would be willing to settle down.

[John Goblin]

Absolutely.

[Ryan Sickler]

With an Earth gal?

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

You would?

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. And. And if reproduction was possible, would you want to be a dad with this Earth gal?

[John Goblin]

I just be clear. You. You what? You what? You can't return them, right? Like, once you have kids? Yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Now. Okay, no, I mean, listen, you can leave them with your mom and get the all out of there on another planet, just like people do here. Like. Like, my mom left us with her dad and just moved a mile away. You don't even need to go that

[John Goblin]

far here, you know? She went a mile away, Ryan. What do you mean?

[Ryan Sickler]

That's what I mean, John.

[John Goblin]

You're like.

[Ryan Sickler]

There's so many people who sit here who.

[John Goblin]

Who.

[Ryan Sickler]

Tony Hinchcliffe, his biological dad lived, like, a few streets over. That's what I'm saying. You're. You're. You have a kind soul. You're like, oh, could I. Could I leave him and then maybe get the out of here to another planet? Now you can go a neighborhood over. You can stay in the same zip code. You could run into them at the grocery store, John. Gobblecon. That's how is here. You could be Tom Brady and have Bridget Moham pregnant and say, you know what? I'm leaving you for Giselle.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And look how that ended.

[John Goblin]

Humans are insane. I mean, my go. Wow.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. So anyway, we would.

[John Goblin]

I. I would never do that. I really can't. I mean, to me, that leans troll. Sure. That leads troll behavior. I'm a goblin.

[Ryan Sickler]

It.

[John Goblin]

You know, it's like, I do what I say, and I say what I do, and I'd like to find someone to do. And so I am looking. I've gone on dates, you know, but it. It is tough because I'm on the apps. You know, I've tried them all. I did Tinder, I did Grindr, I did Greeter. And then when my date sees me, they yelp, you know, so it is tough, and I just feel like I need. That's why I'm trying to do, like, more podcast shows. Because the more they know about us, I think the more they'll understand us, and the less scary it will be to, you know, be at a coffee shop.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is that because the majority of goblins are like you or, you know, like humans? There's some good ones, and there's some real shitty ones of us, too. You. Are you saying the goblins are the good version of you? Guys and the trolls are like the shitty. So if you're with a goblin, you're good to go. Like goblin good, like that sort of thing.

[John Goblin]

I do think that, or at least that's definitely what we've been told my whole life. I will say I did have a couple cousins that were a little.

[Ryan Sickler]

Everybody's got a couple, you know, all it takes is one or two cousins to ruin the whole.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Lineage of everything.

[John Goblin]

You meet Gary and you're like, I don't know, Josh. You know, you meet Gary Goblin, you're like, I don't know, man, this one ain't right. You be carried the memo.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, gonna be right.

[John Goblin]

You're just gonna be, you're gonna be second guessing us. I think. But I think in essence, I think in essence, dude, we're trying. Yeah, no, hey, we're trying. But I found out about humans is.

[Ryan Sickler]

I'm hearing a lot of parallels here. There's some, I'm getting there.

[John Goblin]

There are some bad ones and by some I mean so, so many. But so many on the flip side, so many good ones.

[Ryan Sickler]

That is so many good.

[John Goblin]

And when I started in this business, a lot of people in the corporate world and stuff like that, they had a very strong opinion of what actors, comedians, all these people were going to be like. And I did too, you know, because my problem was is the only comedian I met at the time was Bobby Lee. And I was like, oh, you guys are, are insane.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, that's a great example.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Imagine if that was our example for everything here and you're Bobby Lee there though, you see what I'm saying? And, and someone out there is like, oh, they met, they met John.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, it's exactly.

[Ryan Sickler]

You get it.

[John Goblin]

And had I met a Ryan Sickler earlier on, we would have totally different vibe. But I've met so many good ones and people, I'm just like, you know what, I had it all wrong. Because a lot of the comedians I have found and I've interviewed, when I really talk to them, they are, you think like, oh, stand up comedian, they're on stage, they don't need anybody else. That's how they're going to treat everybody is like, they own everything. They don't need you. It's just about them, you know, and that's true. That is what, 100. Yeah, that's what I found. And I found nothing else.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

I think in addition to that.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

They are actually very. What's the word? They like, they build a community and they support it and they, they're like, you do my part, I'll do your pot, you do my show. To your show. And. And I really enjoyed those humans. Like, I'm kind of gathering now, like a bunch of comedians and humans that I really like that I'm just like, you know what? I could hang around for a little bit longer.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay. I do want to go ask you about sex because you said you have everything, so you said you've had it here or whatever. Are we into. What are you into? You got all your parts. Guys, girls?

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

All the above.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. I'm trying to really open it up.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

Because I felt like I wasn't doing the right math. You know, it's like 51% of the population, and it was just like, I wasn't hitting. So it's like, you know, like, if you read up. If you were on craps table, and they're like, here's a bet, 51 of the time, 100%. I was like, maybe I just need to, like, put some chips over here too. Just, like, try it out. And then I was like, oh, maybe I'm just limiting it to humans. Maybe I need to really expand it out, you know? So then I started really exploring other things, other mythical creatures. And then now it's just like, anything. You know what I mean? Okay, I'll date a cup of coffee. You know, I. I'll try it. I'll try it. I was open as I could be in 2023.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

20. 26. 6.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

6. 6. And so I want to get out there. I want to put myself out there, and I think this is the year I'm going to find love.

[Ryan Sickler]

You do? Yeah, I feel that I do. Okay.

[John Goblin]

Because I.

[Ryan Sickler]

What does that mean for you, John Goblichan? What. What would you say love is? Because you come from somewhere else where I don't know what you're taught there, and you come here and see what we think it is.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

What is it for you?

[John Goblin]

For me, I think love is when you're sitting across from somebody and you could be 100% your full self, and you're not concerned about doing something where that person would look at you and take away that love. There's nothing you could do. For example, like, if you. This is just. Just riffing off the top of my head. Just random example, if you were working a job at a life insurance agency down in Reseda.

[Ryan Sickler]

Sure.

[John Goblin]

And there was a woman there and she had a birthday party, and you were invited to said birthday party, and you got a little high before Said birthday party, and you showed up feeling good. You wearing your jacket. You show up at the bar and you see said gal, and then she's talking to, like, a boss. We'll call him Brad. They're all named Brad, Chad, stuff like that. So that's Brad. And then he starts getting lippy with her, and he puts his hands on her, and you go, well, that ain't right. Let me do the right thing. You spring into action. You jump on him. You slowly are peeling parts of his cheeks and forehead off his body. And then she's like, ah. Like, this is crazy. And you're like. Like, crazy good.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, yeah, yeah, you're welcome. He shouldn't have put his hands on it.

[John Goblin]

You're right.

[Ryan Sickler]

That was great, too. Like that. Yeah. Of. You know, in this fake.

[John Goblin]

The way she was looking at me, I was like, this ain't love. Just ain't it?

[Ryan Sickler]

Did all that for you?

[John Goblin]

Yes, yes. I want someone who's gonna go, now do the body. You know, just like.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, spit on you Left some on the bone. Stomp him while he's down.

[John Goblin]

Yes, yes. And. And. Or, like, I thought I was gonna get, like, a round of applause, you

[Ryan Sickler]

know, If I was there, you would have.

[John Goblin]

Thank you. R. See, I. I think. Think that's it. I'm just trying to find.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's principle. Principle. A goblin of principle.

[John Goblin]

I think so. And so I'm trying to find someone who's gonna show me that.

[Ryan Sickler]

You're looking for a ride or die.

[John Goblin]

Yeah. Or just, like, something like a bunch of money, who's just gonna, like, work all the time. And just, like, I could just, like. And just, like. Yeah. Watch, like, you know, the Real Housewives all day. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

So princess.

[John Goblin]

There she is. She's arrived. So I think, like, one of the two.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay. What are the biggest challenges you've faced outside of looking for love here on Earth and where to next?

[John Goblin]

Yeah, I. There's been a lot of challenges along the way, man. You know, nothing comes easy for a goblin in you guys, this planet. But I think the biggest one for me now is now that I have found something that I feel like I really love and enjoy performing and doing a podcast. I'm really trying to get into this comedy thing. He said, what's next? Like, I don't really know what to do, man. Like, I'm just out here trying to figure it out.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[John Goblin]

And it's been really challenging, and I have feel like I have, like, failed a bunch, and sometimes I'm on stage. I don't Know if you've ever felt like this, but like performing. I'm doing a joke, I'm doing my thing, and then they're like, not laughing, you know, they're like not doing it. What's it called? Like, when everyone stands up.

[Ryan Sickler]

Standing ovation.

[John Goblin]

Yes. So what happens is early in my set, everyone stands up, up, and then they head out the door. So they're giving me a standing ovation.

[Ryan Sickler]

Standing walk out?

[John Goblin]

Yeah. And. And then I'm performing. I'm like, if there's no one there anymore and the lights go out and then the bartender's like, you weren't booked on this show, please leave. You know, And. And then there's like a whole, like, I'm getting that kind of vibe from, like, I don't feel appreciated. And then people like take video and they'll tweet about it and be like, like, you know, there's this goblin at this random show. It was. It wasn't even. It was supposed to be beat poetry, but he's like telling jokes and I just feel like. Like I don't think they get it. Like they're not getting the comedy. They're not getting what I'm trying to do.

[Ryan Sickler]

So as a comedian, could I maybe just complete. Not that you're soliciting.

[John Goblin]

I. Ready for it. I would just open up. Ready, Right.

[Ryan Sickler]

Throw this out. Because I'm. I'm a little socially awkward when it comes to this kind of thing as well too.

[John Goblin]

Oh, okay, Great, Great.

[Ryan Sickler]

But I guess what I would do is you probably have a set now, a five minute set. Maybe you could send that ahead to a booker or something. It sounds less like you're not funny and more like you just don't know the business part of it. Which is understandable.

[John Goblin]

Okay, so, yeah, so what would I do? What's step one?

[Ryan Sickler]

Step one would be when you go to that show, instead of intending to perform, introduce yourself to whoever the booker is, the producer. Let them know who you are, that you are a comedian. Once you do that, you're in. Let me tell you something about the comedian world to John Goblichan. I grew up, no parents. Since I'm 16, couldn't. I mean, I was such an out. I was an outcast of the outcast. Like the theater kids are like, you're fucking now. And you're like, the fuck are you talking about? But once I landed in comedy, I was like, oh, these fuck ups are familiar to me. These people, these weird, wild, fucking crazy stories that I'm like, okay, this is this is the group now. We're all in a mental hospital. You. I'm sure you're familiar with our mental hospital. We're all in a mental hospital. Some of us are in the jackets, like, I can't get out of here. And others, like myself, are free to roam the property. Yeah, I can come over and maybe even help you rake leaves, do some chores. You might. As I always say, let me go just across the street to the corner store, grab myself a soda, as long as I have my wristband on, and everybody knows that I belong over there. Now, when it comes to lights out, make no mistake, my ass better be in that fucking bed. Okay? That's the community you're trying to get yourself into. So you also have to remember that a lot of logic doesn't work, and you can't make sense to someone who doesn't make sense. All right? So go up, introduce yourself and say, hey, my name is John Goblichan. I'm a comedian, and I would love to get a spot on your show. That's all you got to do. Here's my Instagram. Here's my whatever. Maybe they put you up that night. Maybe they might say, hey, you know, stick around. You close out. And maybe they say, you know what? We got a spot next week. Week. That's. That's the advice. I have no advice for you on your comedy or your art, but just a way to get into the shows a little easier. Maybe not, because I'm pretty sure you're funny. I've sat here and laughed quite a bit today. That's all I would say.

[John Goblin]

All right, so, I mean, is it a.

[Ryan Sickler]

For you to email with those things and.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And text. Maybe you do a little voice to text. Maybe. You speak very well. Well, you speak very well.

[John Goblin]

Thank you so much.

[Ryan Sickler]

I mean, thank you. We have professional athletes here that don't speak as well as you. I don't know if you've ever heard of Manny Ramirez. He went to school here. You're doing great, John.

[John Goblin]

Thank you. Thank you. So, all right, so I will take your advice. Yeah, I'm just gonna start doing sets at the Estate Asylum.

[Ryan Sickler]

Not a bad place to start. Yeah, not a bad place to start, actually.

[John Goblin]

Don't be into it.

[Ryan Sickler]

I do, too.

[John Goblin]

I'll bring different color wristbands, and I feel like that's.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's.

[John Goblin]

That's really good advice.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's solid. That's solid.

[John Goblin]

So what do you do when you're on stage? Riot. And I'm sure it doesn't happen anymore, but where you tell a joke or you could tell like the audience, is it really, you know, picking up what you're putting down? Can you turn it?

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, yeah.

[John Goblin]

Or do you do run away? Because I usually. I just usually I'll run.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, no, you gotta try to turn it. Like that's also, like that's going to come again in your life. So the more you can get used to that and switch gears into something else or even lean into the failure, you know, play along with the fact that it didn't land, that kind of thing. I think that bodes well when your audience knows that. I mean, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, so just with a grain of salt, when your audience knows you're human like them and they relate. You know what I'm saying?

[John Goblin]

Right.

[Ryan Sickler]

So for you to have a human moment and being a goblin would hit me harder, honestly, I'd be like, wait, I feel that way.

[John Goblin]

This feels that way. Oh, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

He's 30, 000 years old from I don't know how many goddamn planets and galaxies away.

[John Goblin]

I. I haven't really thought about that. Find a way to connect to them on their level. Sort of like, wait a minute. Goblins, humans, airport travel, too.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[John Goblin]

His back's hurting too. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Even if it isn't, Tell him. Yeah, make them feel better about themselves or, or, or, you know, that you understand them and you're. You're just like them and going through it too. And then you find ways to say those same things everyone said all these goddamn years in a different way that they've never heard before. Turn a phrase a certain way. You know, that's.

[John Goblin]

This is good stuff.

[Ryan Sickler]

I heard one today that made me laugh. And I was just on the radio and the guy said something like, I can't remember what the decision was. They went from this to this. And the guy said, well, that's like. That's like in your pants and changing your shirt. I was like, that's a great.

[John Goblin]

It's a great analogy that, isn't it? That's what I've been. Maybe that's what I've been doing. I've been on stage pooping my pants and changing my shirt, being like, wait, I got a new shirt. It was like, still kind of.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, that explains the walk out. Yeah. Still doesn't mean you're not funny. Yeah, still does not mean you're not funny.

[John Goblin]

Okay, so this is. This is good. Obviously, each time I talk to a human on a podcast, it's Like I'm getting a little closer understanding. I feel a little more like I belong here and I understand things a little better.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's important. You know, it is.

[John Goblin]

Talking. I feel like probably you now, when I walked in here, thought a certain way about goblins and now you might have a better understanding.

[Ryan Sickler]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

[John Goblin]

That's. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's powerful, John.

[John Goblin]

That, that is. I think we're changing the world here today.

[Ryan Sickler]

Absolutely.

[John Goblin]

You know, one gob at a time.

[Ryan Sickler]

One gob at a time.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

John, we got to get you out of here.

[John Goblin]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Even though you're a Goblin, you're parked in a meter out front. Yeah. You got to deal with human. My Weibo still ticking you. They're giving you a ticket big time. Before we wrap up here, thank you again for doing this. It was a pleasure to have.

[John Goblin]

Thanks for having me. Right. It's been very inspirational.

[Ryan Sickler]

I know it was. What got 2,984 years ago. Yeah, that's pretty good math for a human. What would advice would you give to 16 year old John Goblicon?

[John Goblin]

If I could talk to 16 year old John, I'd look him in the eye. I say, hey, John, it's your future self. It's John Goblin. Here's what you need to do, pal. There's going to be so much thrown at you, so many obstacles in your way, but there's something called Uber that you're going to want to invest in very early on. It's like. And you're like, oh, what's an Uber? You're like, there's these cars, you'll be like, what's cars? Just hold on. Like you're gonna eventually end up, you know, do that. I, I'll give you like the lotto numbers that like win for like the last couple years and stuff like that. I could tell you like any sports team that's gonna win like any big. I'll just tell you it now. And then there's something called podcasting. Get it on the very, very early stages. Call it the John Gobble Cot experience. Okay. You just gotta smoke weed. Sometimes you talk about fighting, sometimes talk about other stuff. And just start really early quarter the market. You're gonna be just fine, Johnny boy.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's great advice.

[John Goblin]

Yeah, I think so.

[Ryan Sickler]

Thank you again.

[John Goblin]

Thanks for having me.

[Ryan Sickler]

Right to have you here, buddy. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. We'll talk to you all next week.