Nick Swardson - SwardsonDew

Summary

Podcast Summary: Nick Swardson - SwardsonDew The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler
Release Date: January 6, 2025
Host: Ryan Sickler
Guest: Nick Swardson

1. Introduction

In the episode titled "Nick Swardson - SwardsonDew", comedian Ryan Sickler welcomes Nick Swardson back to The HoneyDew. The conversation delves deep into Nick's personal life, his tumultuous upbringing, his relationship with his father, and his journey in the comedy industry. The discussion is rich with heartfelt moments, humorous anecdotes, and insightful reflections on life’s challenges.

2. Swardson's Personal Background

2.1 Family Upbringing

Nick Swardson opens up about his childhood, revealing a complex family dynamic marked by his parents' separation during his early teenage years.

Nick Swardson [07:24]: "I remember I was 13, and my mom decided to leave my dad in the middle of the day. It was like, peace out."

2.2 Parents' Split and Father's Career

Nick details his father's career struggles and his desire to pursue writing, which ultimately led to financial instability and family strife.

Nick Swardson [07:21]: "My dad was a businessman who worked at a company called Control Data. He was miserable in the corporate world and eventually went bankrupt to pursue writing."

2.3 Relationship with Father

Despite the hardships, Nick shares a nuanced relationship with his father, highlighting moments of friendship and mutual respect.

Nick Swardson [10:30]: "We would just hang out, and he taught me how to listen. He always said, 'You don't learn anything talking over people.'"

3. Swardson's Comedy Career

3.1 Starting in Comedy

Nick recounts his initiation into stand-up comedy at 18, balancing it alongside jobs in the service industry.

Nick Swardson [17:10]: "I started stand-up at 18 while working at Planet Hollywood. It was tough juggling both, but I loved it."

3.2 Interactions with Adam Sandler

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around Nick's collaborations with Adam Sandler, including table reads and movie projects.

Nick Swardson [22:46]: "Adam Sandler watched my Comedy Central special and reached out, leading to the creation of Grandma's Boy."

3.3 Table Read for Bucky Larson

Nick shares an amusing experience from the table read of Bucky Larson, highlighting the surreal presence of celebrities like Kurt Russell.

Nick Swardson [43:02]: "At the table read, Kurt Russell was there, and it was wild seeing him doing cartwheels in Aspen."

3.4 Encounters with Robin Williams and Chris Farley

Nick reminisces about brief but memorable interactions with comedy legends, emphasizing their human side.

Nick Swardson [27:03]: "I met Robin Williams briefly at the improv. He was just chilling and really down to earth."

4. Personal Struggles and Growth

4.1 Addiction and Recovery

Nick candidly discusses his battles with alcohol and smoking, his path to sobriety, and the impact on his life and career.

Nick Swardson [50:05]: "I quit drinking over two years ago and stopped smoking over a year ago. It’s been transformative."

4.2 Influence of Family on Personal Life

The influence of his family's support and challenges plays a crucial role in Nick's personal development and resilience.

Nick Swardson [16:40]: "My dad taught me to listen, which has been invaluable both personally and professionally."

5. Anecdotes and Stories

5.1 Travelodge Story

One of the most humorous segments features Nick's misadventure at a Travelodge, leading to a comical disaster.

Nick Swardson [37:30]: "I walked into the bathroom and found diarrhea all over the wall. It was like someone won a Cy Young Award against the wall."

5.2 First Jobs and Service Industry Experiences

Nick reflects on his early jobs, including a notorious stint at Planet Hollywood, illustrating his rebellious nature and comedic flair.

Nick Swardson [44:33]: "I took the Knight Rider car off the wall and drove it through the restaurant. Killed like 200 people. It was really bad, but funny."

6. Full Circle Moment with Planet Hollywood

Highlighting a meaningful achievement, Nick shares the gratifying experience of having his hands and signature immortalized at Planet Hollywood, symbolizing his success in the entertainment industry.

Nick Swardson [55:00]: "I was at Acme Comedy Company, wrote 'someday I'll be on the wall,' and when Bucky Larson came out, Planet Hollywood in Times Square immortalized my hands and signature."

7. Conclusion and Promotions

As the episode wraps up, Nick promotes his latest comedy special "Make Joke from Face" available on YouTube and Amazon, along with his tour dates accessible at NickSwartzen.net. Ryan encourages listeners to follow both his and Nick's social media for updates.

Nick Swardson [55:57]: "Check out my special on YouTube and Amazon, and follow my tour at Nickswartzen.net."

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Nick Swardson [07:24]: "I remember I was 13, and my mom decided to leave my dad in the middle of the day. It was like, peace out."
• Nick Swardson [10:30]: "We would just hang out, and he taught me how to listen. He always said, 'You don't learn anything talking over people.'"
• Nick Swardson [22:46]: "Adam Sandler watched my Comedy Central special and reached out, leading to the creation of Grandma's Boy."
• Nick Swardson [37:30]: "I walked into the bathroom and found diarrhea all over the wall. It was like someone won a Cy Young Award against the wall."
• Nick Swardson [50:05]: "I quit drinking over two years ago and stopped smoking over a year ago. It’s been transformative."
• Nick Swardson [55:00]: "I was at Acme Comedy Company, wrote 'someday I'll be on the wall,' and when Bucky Larson came out, Planet Hollywood in Times Square immortalized my hands and signature."

Insights and Reflections

• Resilience Through Adversity: Nick's ability to navigate a challenging family environment and personal struggles showcases his resilience and determination.

• The Human Side of Comedy: His interactions with comedy legends like Robin Williams and Chris Farley reveal the profound humanity behind the public personas of comedians.

• Full Circle of Success: The culmination of Nick's journey from humble beginnings to achieving recognition at Planet Hollywood underscores the rewards of perseverance in the entertainment industry.

---

Conclusion

This episode of The HoneyDew with Ryan Sickler offers an intimate glimpse into Nick Swardson's life, blending humor with poignant reflections. From his early struggles to his accomplishments in comedy, Nick's story is both inspiring and entertaining, making it a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

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[Ryan Sickler]

Guys, we have a new tier on our Patreon and it includes exclusive bonus content. Listen up. Right now, for just $5 you get the Honeydew a day early. You get it ad free and you get a full bonus episode of the Honeydew with y'all where listeners highlight their low lights and it's gonna stay that way. Five bucks. And for just $3 more, you're also gonna get the way back a day early and ad free. But that's not all. You'll get exclusive bonus content with the guests, some fun segments, maybe some games and we'd love to get you guys involved. And that's all for only $3 more. And there's no censorship on any of the Patreon episodes. Subscribe now. The Honeydew with Brian Sickler welcome back to the Honey Do Y'all. We're over here doing it in Night Pants Studios. I'm Ryan Sickler. Ryancickler.com and Ryan Sickler on all your social media and I'm starting this episode like I start them off. First of all, this is our first episode of the new year. So happy 2025 to everybody and thank you. Thank you for supporting this show. Thank you for supporting anything I do. I don't care what it is. I don't care if you're just telling someone about a show, buying a shirt, whatever it is. Thank you for your support. And if you gotta have more, then you gotta check out our Patreon. All right, the show over there is called the Honeydew. With you all, it's this show where. With you all. And it is the wildest shit you're ever going to hear. It's worth every penny. It's five bucks a month. We've never raised it. So if you or someone you know has a story that has to be heard, please submit it to honeydewpodcastmail.com. if you're still on the fence, go watch the Best of episodes that we release for free so you can get a taste of what the Honeydew is all about. Honeydew with y'all is all about. And we have a new tier on the Patreon now where you get the way back a day early. You get it ad free, sensor free, and you get exclusive bonus content over there. All right, so go check it. That's the biz. You guys know what we're doing over here? We highlight the low lights. I always say, these are the stories behind the storytellers. And I am very excited to have this guest back on the Honeydew. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Nick Swartz. And welcome back to the Honeydew, Nick Swartz. And let him see it, bro. Close it up again and let him see it again.

[Nick Swartzen]

Hi, everybody. Thanks for having me back.

[Ryan Sickler]

Ryan, dude, thank you for being back.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yes. Good to be back.

[Ryan Sickler]

You look good.

[Nick Swartzen]

Thank you very much.

[Ryan Sickler]

You look healthy.

[Nick Swartzen]

You look.

[Ryan Sickler]

Happy New Year to you. You look really good, dude.

[Nick Swartzen]

Thanks, man.

[Ryan Sickler]

For you.

[Nick Swartzen]

Thank.

[Ryan Sickler]

We're gonna talk about some stuff today, but before we do, please promote everything you'd like.

[Nick Swartzen]

I quit. I have nothing to promote anymore. Can you.

[Ryan Sickler]

Can you wait for that day, though, where you're like, it's. I don't have.

[Nick Swartzen]

I swear to God, I. During COVID I was like, I think I'm done. I was just like, I've done it for 30 years. How long have you been doing it now?

[Ryan Sickler]

25. Yeah, 26.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's crazy when you do it that long. You're just like, God, I can't wait to Just go like, I don't know. But I love, I mean, I love.

[Ryan Sickler]

It so much, I don't know what else to do.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. I mean, I'm not going to go to medical school or just.

[Ryan Sickler]

Are you on the road right now?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Do you have dates?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, I toured my tour, Toilet Head, I've been doing all fall.

[Ryan Sickler]

And where can they get tickets?

[Nick Swartzen]

Nick Swartz and dot net. So I'm starting my 2025 leg. I got about dozen theaters left and then picking up some clubs to fill some holes then that I missed. Houston, Texas, you know when cities get mad, when you just, we like, you know, it's all routing. People don't know. Like you're just trying to like, okay, I'll do Dallas, blah, blah, blah. And like the venues sometimes aren't available and then people get mad. So like Houston, St. Louis, I'm doing, I'm picking up a club in St. Louis. And people like, they take a personal offense. It's not personal.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, why aren't you coming to St. Louis?

[Nick Swartzen]

Hey, you know, what's up, dude?

[Ryan Sickler]

Because the venue that I need isn't available when I can do it and vice versa.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Like, you try make it work.

[Ryan Sickler]

You try to make it make sense.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's like, yeah, I'll be there. North Korea at some point. North Korea at some point. I'll hit the laugh factory there. But yeah, no, people get mad, get death threats from North Korea. Jesus, they need to laugh. I get it. Man.

[Ryan Sickler]

I wonder what that first set would be like. The first comic in North Korea. It's either going to be fantastic.

[Nick Swartzen]

I think it's going to go, I think it's going to go se South Korea, bro. Yeah. But yeah, so yeah, I'm touring until May and then I'm hopefully going to be filming two movies.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, yeah?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

All right. Good job.

[Nick Swartzen]

He pray love three. Yeah, we skipped two and got right into three. Yep.

[Ryan Sickler]

So look, I, I, I know we, we preempt these and we talk about what we're going to talk about before often, but I'm interested to talk about this because you, you'd said your father passed away and it's something that you did want to talk about. So let's go back quickly because you're a Minnesota kid.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

What does your dad do for a living? What was, you know, how, what was his job? What did he do?

[Nick Swartzen]

He, My dad was Carrot Top. Yeah. Carrots sad. The real. The caretop now is not real. No, my dad was, he was like a businessman. He worked at Kind of an ambiguous. This kind of company called Control Data. And it was very nine to five. And he wasn't happy. And I didn't really realize that until I got older. And he just didn't like the corporate world. And so he made bad business decisions, was miserable, went bankrupt. Not like we had a lot of money, but he went bankrupt. And then he just started. He wanted to be a writer, start writing, but it wasn't sustainable for our family. So my mom took me, and my brother and sister were off at school, so she left him in the middle of the day. I remember I was 13, and I.

[Ryan Sickler]

See your brother and sister old enough that they're in college.

[Nick Swartzen]

They're in college.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

So I'm 13, and my. I come home and my mom is furniture on the front lawn of our house. And I go, what's going on? She goes, we're. We're leaving. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, I'm leaving your dad. I got an apartment like a mile away. And I'm like, what?

[Ryan Sickler]

This is. This is being dropped on you right when you walk home from school?

[Nick Swartzen]

And so, I mean, I knew things were bad, but I didn't realized it was like, peace out. So, like, my uncles and everything were helping us move, and so we just left my dad, he had to sell the house, and he moved into a tiny apartment, but became a writer.

[Ryan Sickler]

And he become much happier.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, he was way happy.

[Ryan Sickler]

So that's. Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So it was cool.

[Ryan Sickler]

But so he's just doing this job to take care of his family at first, and he's miserable.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, he just hated it. And then, yeah, he became a writer, and he became really not successful in, like, being super lucrative, you know what I mean? But, like, he became. He wrote for the City Pages and the Twin Cities in Minnesota, so newspaper.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's what I want to ask you. What sort of writings he did?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, so he did, like, editorials, and he did. He started gravitating towards exposing, like, his penis? No, he started doing like. Like undercover exposing stuff.

[Ryan Sickler]

So he'd be like that aunt. What's your dad's name?

[Nick Swartzen]

Roger.

[Ryan Sickler]

Ask Roger or whatever Roger reports. And he'd go. And you ever see those local ones, they do them here where they're like, expose a business for fraud. This dude over here, like, totally doing that.

[Nick Swartzen]

But he. So he did a story about the U.S. postal Service and how they were mistreating their employees. So he went on a whole thing about the working poor and exposing people that abused the working poor. So he went Undercover at the fucking post office for, like a year.

[Ryan Sickler]

As opposed.

[Nick Swartzen]

In the fat. In, like, the warehouses and stuff. As a worker. And made no money, but, like, wrote this whole thing. Wrote this whole story. And it got picked up and.

[Ryan Sickler]

Well, don't you remember?

[Nick Swartzen]

It was amazing back then.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, people coined the term, you're going postal. It was.

[Nick Swartzen]

That was way different, though.

[Ryan Sickler]

But remember, it was happening so often back then that they were abusing these people. People were losing their shit, and they.

[Nick Swartzen]

Would come in and fucking turn them into Tombstone.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, specifically at the post office.

[Nick Swartzen]

They're doing it going post.

[Ryan Sickler]

You don't hear about it anymore.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, my dad.

[Ryan Sickler]

Maybe your dad made a difference.

[Nick Swartzen]

He solved that, man. Dude, get him over to Iraq. Solve all of it.

[Ryan Sickler]

So how much are you seeing him once your mom splits?

[Nick Swartzen]

Are you. So he became like, my buddy.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

So, like, we would just, like, hang out, and I would go and hang.

[Ryan Sickler]

Out with him, and he's close enough by that you can see right there and stuff.

[Nick Swartzen]

So he moved into an apartment down the street. So. Which was weird because it was like, you know, it's important for parents to continue to be a parental figure. Like, these are two takeaways for me that I can share with people. When you're in a divorce, if you're. You know, make sure you don't. First thing is don't completely shit on the other parent, even though you fucking hate them. It was like, my mom was just shitting on my dad so bad. And he had a lot of faults. He wasn't a great husband. You know what I mean? But I'm a teenager. I don't know about stuff like that. So she'd be like, he's a fucking loser. Blah, blah, blah. So, you know, that messed me up because then I was kind of, like, not respecting my dad as much, and he be. Then he got hip to that and was like, no, we're cool, man. It's like, you know, we were, like, friends, but then it wasn't a dad. And then I just lost psychic, went off the rails and started doing drugs like crazy. And it was. You know what I mean? So. And that was a big part of it. But back to my dad, he was cool. And, yeah, he just, you know, I realized as I got older was like, oh, he had more of an artistic inclination. You know what I mean? But he was in the mold back then of being like, a dad and having a family and having a house and a corporate job, and he just didn't fit that mold.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, that was that generation of men back then was, you get a job, you take a. You get married, you raise a family, you take care of the family.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

You die. You get a watch from the company. You get a watch, you hang yourself.

[Nick Swartzen]

With the tie you got on Father's Day. And you do it in front of the family. Hang it up. Yep. Walk down for Christmas. Oh, what's that new ornament? It's dad, and it's big. And we gotta open him up now, do an autopsy. I didn't plan on opening up a body. I wanted a bike. The man. Anyway, I hope everybody had a good Christmas. One of my favorite jokes, one of my favorite bits that never did. Well, I'll maybe do it on a special at some point, but it was about. Sorry to sidetrack it, but please. It was a bit about Christmas. And this is based on a true story. So I was obsessed with, you know, just fucking with people, especially in conversations and, like, at parties and stuff like that. Social situations. Once I became, like, famous and a comedian, you can't get away with that anymore. But back when I. Nobody knew who I was, it was great because you just fucked with people. So I still had a comedian mind mindset. So I was at a party and we were talking all these people, and I didn't know them, and we were sharing Christmas stories, and I was like. And the people were kind of annoying. And I go, oh, I don't like Christmas. And this woman goes, what do you mean? And I go, yeah, I just screw up. I had some bad Christmases, a really bad one. And she goes, what? What happened? And I go, well, I woke up Christmas morning. I was about 10 years old, maybe nine. And I go down to the tree, and I'm about to open presents. My dad's there, my mom's not. And I go to my dad and I go, hey, where's mom? And he goes, oh, she's not feeling well. And I'm like, okay. So I was about to open presents, and I look up in the top of the stairs, and my mom is standing there naked, and she's holding a present. And she goes to walk down the stairs, and she falls down the stairs and tumbles down, and the gift falls on the ground. And she goes, open it. And she's drunk. And so I went. And I opened it, and she had vomited into a box and wrapped it up as a gift. And the people I'm telling this at the party are like, are you fucking kidding me? And this girl especially, she's like, oh, my God. I go, wait, wait. Then my mom stumbled and stood up, pulled a gun out of her vagina and fucking blew her head off. And everybody was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And I go, yeah. And the girl was like, that's, like, the worst thing I've ever heard. Like, you must have, like, brain damage, like, permanent. And I go, yeah, it was bad for a while, but then the year after, I got a bike, so it was like, cool.

[Ryan Sickler]

Bike's awesome.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. And people were like. And then I just walked away. I was like, I'm just gonna leave this.

[Ryan Sickler]

So, wait, based on what true story is that?

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, it's not based on anything now. You're like, true story that. I told the story at a party. But no, that didn't happen. Mom didn't blow her gun off.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh.

[Nick Swartzen]

But no. So, yeah, my dad was.

[Ryan Sickler]

Did he ever remarry or anything like that?

[Nick Swartzen]

They both didn't.

[Ryan Sickler]

Neither of them.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, my mom's still alive. She's. Yeah, no, it's not happening. But, yeah, it was cool. And it was funny because my brother did the same thing. My brother, John Swartzen, is a singer songwriter in Minnesota, in Minneapolis. And he went to college, got a business degree, got a job at a corporate job at a bank. And I'm just like, this. And he just became a singer songwriter. And he does that and, like, bartends and pictures.

[Ryan Sickler]

You guys all have entertainment in your family?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, we kind of. So that was cool. But, yeah, then my dad died, and this is not funny, but it is funny, because comedians are just dark. And my dad died, and he was 69 years old. And I'm so immature that I couldn't say that he died at 69, because it made me think of 69. So people are like, oh, my God, your dad died. How old was he? And I'm like, 68. And they're like, really? And I'm like, yeah. And I just felt so stupid that I'm that fucking immature that I can't just give an accurate date of when he died. You know what I mean? I had to say 68 because I didn't want to say 69. Yeah. Yeah. You know he died on purpose. Yeah. And I was 69. God. Or. I don't know, Whatever the fuck.

[Ryan Sickler]

What. Was it sudden or did you know it was coming? Was this something that, you know, sucks, too?

[Nick Swartzen]

So he died of a rare brain aneurysm. Really, really rare. I can't remember how it's pronounced. And so I'm in the hospital with my brother and my dad's, like, basically in a coma. And the doctor's like, yeah, you're probably gonna have to. We're probably gonna have to put. Pull the plug. You know, it's your. Obviously your choice. He's. No, the doctor wasn't like, I'm gonna fucking pull it. I don't know when. I don't even know if I'm gonna tell you. No. He's like, you know, we're gonna have to. Whatever. So I'm like, okay. And he goes, oh, just a. This is real. He goes, just kind of a side note, the sprain. Aneurysm is possibly hereditary.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's why I hate to say I was gonna ask you.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I go, great. You know, you couldn't have said that? You know what I mean? Like, now I'm not trusting a hangover.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Or if I eat ice cream too fast or whatever the fuck happens. It's just like, so. It's horrifying. But me and my brother were like, Jesus Christ.

[Ryan Sickler]

How old were you when he passed?

[Nick Swartzen]

I was 22.

[Ryan Sickler]

Had you started comedy?

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, yeah, I started when I was 18.

[Ryan Sickler]

Did he get to see you perform?

[Nick Swartzen]

He got. Yeah, he got it. He got to see, like, kind of where it started to go, you know, so that was cool. But he didn't, like, get to meet Sandler. He didn't really get to see the films, really, but he got to see.

[Ryan Sickler]

More than open mics and things like that. Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

You know, he knew I got the Aspen Comedy Festival. He knew, like, I was making moves.

[Ryan Sickler]

Would he go see you at, like, Acme or any places like that?

[Nick Swartzen]

Totally. Acme Comedy Company. My home club, Minneapolis. Very cool. It's a great club. But, yeah. And he. And this is a funny thing, too. His parents. You know, parents fight over their kids a lot over whatever. But when I started doing comedy, my mom was like, oh, no, you're still going to college. Even though we didn't have money or grades or anything. And she was like, no, you're still going to college. I'm like, okay, whatever. And my dad's like, well, do whatever the fuck you want. And I was like, I want to do stand up. And he's like, yeah. And then he would come to my shows and he would meet comedians, and he got really into it. And my mom was like, you're still going to college. And I'm like, okay. And then when I got discovered by HBO at 19 years old, and then I started making money, got a commercial campaign, and then my mom was like, oh, no, no, no. You don't need college. And then was like, 12. Yeah. Really?

[Ryan Sickler]

She did.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then she outlived my dad now. And so now she takes all the credit because he's dead, so he can't say anything. So I hope he haunts her.

[Ryan Sickler]

So how did you find out your dad had the aneurysm? Was it something my brother call you or.

[Nick Swartzen]

He found my brother Found him. Like, just kind of zombies walking around his place. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh. So he was up and moving around. He just.

[Nick Swartzen]

He was just. But, like, my brother was like. He was just a zombie. Like, not even, like, completely.

[Ryan Sickler]

And he took him to the hospital.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. And now he took him to Buffalo Wild Wings. Anyway, I'm sponsored by. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, he took him to the hospital. He took him to a Walking Dead audition. He brought him into the room and was like, I've got a guy. You don't even. You don't need to do anything. Just. That's how I would want my dad to do. The walking dad.

[Ryan Sickler]

When they take a new show now.

[Nick Swartzen]

The walking dad, it's dead stroke dad.

[Ryan Sickler]

This is when they find out that he's got the problem. Like, there was nothing leading up to. That's what I'm asking you.

[Nick Swartzen]

No.

[Ryan Sickler]

This one day, boom, he's a zombie.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And then you take him to the hospital and, like, this is what's going on. How much time do you have with him after that? Is this something.

[Nick Swartzen]

This gets even worse. So he. So then he comes out of it kind. Okay. And he just has, like, damage. You know what I mean? He's. He's got, like, damage. Yeah. He's slowed down, his memory shoddy. And he lives in, like, a halfway.

[Ryan Sickler]

House, but can he walk and take care of himself? Things like that?

[Nick Swartzen]

He barely. You know what I mean? I mean, it was kind of. It was an assisted living, and, you know, he had his own apartment, but it was assisted living. And then it just went to south. It just went south.

[Ryan Sickler]

He stayed there, though.

[Nick Swartzen]

He stayed there for a minute, and then he had to go to the hospital. He got another stroke, and then he had to go to the hospital again.

[Ryan Sickler]

How long.

[Nick Swartzen]

So this went over the span of, like, all. In about three years.

[Ryan Sickler]

Three years?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And you just watched him get worse.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And then also, I might have this in my head.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Then I'm living with. Okay, well, this might make an appearance. And, you know, especially, like, you know, being a drinker, I mean, I was. I'm not as. Not as much as I used to Be. But being a big drinker, it's like, you know, nobody could tell if I was having a stroke. You know, you couldn't tell. So I spent so much time at bars where people would be like, hey, swartzing, I love you. Nick's being Nick. And then I would die. But, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

So were you close with his parents? Like, do you know now looking back, if either of them had died from this?

[Nick Swartzen]

No, no, no, no, no. His mom had lived for a while.

[Ryan Sickler]

My grandma, she outlived him.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. She lived to be, like, almost 90 now.

[Ryan Sickler]

The grandma. This grandma. Was this who you were closest with of your grandma?

[Nick Swartzen]

I was close with my dad's mom, but I was really, really close with my mom's grandma.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's great.

[Nick Swartzen]

That was the foundation of a lot of my early jokes about grandma lifting the meal, which is so funny for people who don't know who I am or people who know me. Recently, one of my first Comedy Central specials, I believe it was 2000, I had some jokes about my grandma and about how. I don't want to paraphrase my own material, but you can check it out. Comedy Central, half hour. But it was about how. And it was based on a true thing where I was with her in the kitchen, and there was a gallon of milk, and she couldn't lift it. And I'm like, it's great hanging out with old people because you feel like a superhero. So my grandma be like, I need help with this gallon of milk. And I'd be like, this gallon right.

[Ryan Sickler]

Here, and I would lift it over.

[Nick Swartzen]

My head, and she'd be like. She, like, couldn't believe it. She wasn't Adam Sandler. I don't know why I did that. But, yeah, she would be blown away. So, yeah, she was one of my first jokes. And then my grandma. Then it goes back to. They would fight over which grandma that joke was about.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, really?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. So it was funny because my dad's mom would be like, oh, that's about me. And I would hit her just right in the labyrinth. No, but grandmas are great. I miss both of them very much.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then. Then that's how I got involved with the movie Grandma's Boy. So Adam Sandler was sitting in his bed with his wife watching Comedy Central, and that special came on with my grandma jokes, and he wrote my name down. He thought it was really funny because he likes family jokes.

[Ryan Sickler]

This is how he discovered you. Then this.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, this.

[Ryan Sickler]

Not just that bit hit you.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that's just me. As me and Wrote my name down, went to the office and called me in. So weird. And then he's like, I have a script called Grandma's Boy. He goes, I love your grandma jokes. And we have the script. And he goes, I know you're a writer. I'd written the original script of Malibu's Most Wanted. So he was Hannah, me, Grandma's Boy. And then the rest is history in that world.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's awesome.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, my dad did a really cool thing too where he visited me in LA and I was sleeping on Barry Katz's couch. Remember Barry Katz?

[Ryan Sickler]

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[Nick Swartzen]

Hi, Barry.

[Ryan Sickler]

Hi, Barry.

[Nick Swartzen]

What's going on? That's a great. So I'm sleeping on Barry's couch at this apartment complex in Venice Beach. My dad comes and visits and he just. My dad was really weird, so he decided he wanted to sleep on the roof. So there was like the building? Yeah. So there was like. It's only a four story building and there was like a hammock or whatever. So my dad's sleeping. And then there was a big. Every Sunday in Venice, there'd be a big gang war and all these gangs would come out. It was fucking wild, all these gangs. And there would be like, altercations and all this stuff. And my dad was like, what's going on there? And I go, it's Sundays in Venice. So I'm like, it gets pretty wild, dude. And he goes, oh, I wanna, I wanna look into it. And I'm like, I would. And he's like, no. And so he did this fucking older white guy from Minnesota, St. Paul, Minnesota, walks in the middle of this whole thing, starts talking to guys. My dad was cool as man and he was just talking and getting different perspectives and he wrote a whole article on it and the LA Weekly put it on the COVID No shit. Gave it to the LA Weekly and they made it a cover story.

[Ryan Sickler]

And he wasn't even right now.

[Nick Swartzen]

No.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's awesome.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, he just was so like, save somewhere. Yeah, totally good. And yeah, that's just like how cool and open minded he was. And he was cool to me in the sense of. He taught me how to listen. He was like. He goes, you don't learn anything talking over people. He's like, any situation you're in, just listen. And I always did that and it was, you know, I learned so much more. Just, you know, people think a comedian is gonna be the center of attention. I don't want to be the fucking center of attention if I'm around my friends. You can be weird, you know, but you know, I get flacked for that. I don't know if you do too. Comedians, like, it sucks when you're in a situation socially and you're quiet and people are like, oh, thought you were funny.

[Ryan Sickler]

I'm the same way.

[Nick Swartzen]

I'm a quieter nuts.

[Ryan Sickler]

And then I take that into whatever I want to do.

[Nick Swartzen]

Right.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. I can't also, like. And I don't mean any disrespect, Rest in peace, Robin Williams. But if I had someone with energy like that on all the time, I would. I couldn't stand it.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know what I mean?

[Nick Swartzen]

Like, but he wasn't. I met him briefly and that dude was shy as. Yeah, yeah. I met him at the improv and he was just kind of to himself.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, so he wasn't always on. I mean, I imagine if maybe knew you, he was.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, I mean, but I mean that level of energy, you can't.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's a great example. Then you would think that guy.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

I was like, hey, man, Robin Williams was a boar. He said two words.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, what A boar.

[Ryan Sickler]

No, I'm the same way.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, he was just chilling. I just went, hey, what's up, man? He just goes, hey, what's up? Like, he was just. And I Was like, all right, cool. Then I grabbed him. I was like, I'm kidding. No, he was cool. The one, the guy who was on, that I met briefly. Well, there's two stories of Chris Farley.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

The one time I met him was at the Aspen Comedy Festival, and It was like 10 degrees out.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is he on SNL at this time?

[Nick Swartzen]

He was at the Aspen Comedy Festival for an SNL reunion.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I remember walking home, walking back to my hotel room after a show. And it was about midnight. Aspen, Colorado. February. Fucking 10 degrees. That's being generous that. It was that warm. It was cold shit. And I just hear roaring. And I see Farley doing cartwheels down the middle of the street, shirtless, with an entourage around him, chain smoking. And Aspen's 7,8000ft altitude. This dude's 450 pounds doing cartwheel, shirtless, with a cigarette. I was like, whoa. And then that same festival, I met him at a party and I see him in the corner. It was same thing, like, kind of like Robin, where he was just kind of like to himself, all alone. And I, you know, I was nobody. I didn't know anybody. And I just walk over and I go, hey, man, my brother went to Madison with you. I'm a Midwest kid. I'm a comic. I just want to say hi. And he was like, cool, man, cool. And he was like. And then just left. So I was like, oh. But he was, you know, it was really wild. It was like so two real extremes, you know? But, you know, again, those guys, at the end of the day, are human beings, you know, it's like, you know, and that's. That's kind of the downfall I feel of those guys is that you're. The expectation of you to be on.

[Ryan Sickler]

At 100 also, too. Not just. Not even a conversation, having a couple zappers. You got to be on.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, you got to be full on.

[Ryan Sickler]

So tell me about your grandmom you were closest to. You said, they're both killed.

[Nick Swartzen]

My dad. That's why I'm here. She murdered my family. All of a sudden, it just turns weird. Mom's mom. What about her?

[Ryan Sickler]

This is the one you were closest with Grandma.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, she was great.

[Ryan Sickler]

And then you said, they're both gone.

[Nick Swartzen]

Well, my dad's. They're both gone. My dad's mom. I've mentioned this on stage a couple times. My dad's mom went and saw grandma's boy in the theater.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

So her nurse brought her in her wheelchair. It's a true story. And My. I heard about. My mom goes, we have a situation. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, grandma went to go see grandma's boy in the theater. And I was like, who fucking told her to do that? Like, how'd she even hear about it? She goes, she saw it in the newspaper. There was an ad and it said, you know, co written by Nick Swartzen. So my grandma's like, oh, Nicholas wrote a movie about me. Like, she thought it was gonna be a sweet story. So my nurse took her in her wheelchair and my grandma walked out of the movie. Walked out of the movie. Yeah. So I've told this story and. Yeah, pretty. Pretty great. And then she. She wrote me a three page letter. A three page letter saying I was going to hell. So I've got that going for me. So do you know how long she made it before she was like this? Yeah. I asked the nurse, I called the nurse and I go, at what point did she realize? And it was when the guy started jerking off to the doll. Yeah. Your grandma's like, I'm done. My grandma went, this wrote a movie about me? She said, yeah. She's like, oh, no, that's. Did not. I like, not when Rob Schneider threw the bomb or anything. That is so good. Yeah, it's a true story, but wrote me a three page letter saying, I'm going to hell. And then I showed my dad and my mom and they got mad at her and yelled at her. And then she wrote another one apologizing and.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, that's too good.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, it's real good.

[Ryan Sickler]

How did she pass away?

[Nick Swartzen]

She fucking put a doll in her. See, she jerked off for the doll. She's like, fuck it. This is what he thinks of me. I'm going out in a fucking blazer.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, God, dude.

[Nick Swartzen]

No, she. She died.

[Ryan Sickler]

Ah, man.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, she was old.

[Ryan Sickler]

Your mom's mom also, like, lived to be an old age or.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, they both lived really old. Both grandfathers are dead.

[Ryan Sickler]

What was it about your mom's mom that made you. Because we had the same thing. There was Grandma, which is my mom's mom, but then there was Grandma. That was my dad's mom. That was really Grandma. It was Grandma and Grandma DeVito. You know what I mean? There was grandma like that. So what was it?

[Nick Swartzen]

My dad's mom was out of town. I mean, she lived in Arkansas.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, she didn't live there. Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

No.

[Ryan Sickler]

So your mom's mom was close?

[Nick Swartzen]

She was close by.

[Ryan Sickler]

I see.

[Nick Swartzen]

So yeah, my mom's mom was really sweet. She Was cool. So I remember one of my favorite moments of her is at my sister's wedding, and I went through a White Russian phase where I was drinking White Russians. Like, I love Big Lebowski, and I was so into White Russians. And so I.

[Ryan Sickler]

Were you cream or milk?

[Nick Swartzen]

I was malleable. I could go eat.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, you didn't care. Okay. Yeah, just a small vodka was something really important.

[Nick Swartzen]

But, yeah, creamer milk, but. So I was making a White Russian at the condo, at the wedding or whatever after the wedding, and I made it really stiff, you know, and I'm drinking it, and my grandma goes, what is that? And I go, it's White Russian. And she goes, oh, let me have a sip. I love those. And I. She took a sip. She was like, oh, that's good. She goes, can you make me one? And I go, yeah. And so I made her one that was really light, you know, it was like that much vodka and like, the rest, you know, whatever, Kluan. So I gave it to her, and she takes a sip. She goes, what is this? And I go, it's a White Russian. She goes, no, no, make it like yours. And I was like, oh, yeah. And I felt like such a fucking idiot. It's like, yeah, she went through World War II. My grandfather got his leg shot off over Nazi Germany and came home with one leg and a Purple Heart.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is that right?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. And I'm sitting here. I'm sitting here diluting her drink like a God me. Oh, lady.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, my goodness.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that was amazing. She took. The look on her face. I'll never forget. What is this?

[Ryan Sickler]

No, no.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

You have more stories up here on a list that I'm looking at over your shoulder. I'm just gonna pick this one here. Just. Let's hear about this travel lodge story. Let's shift gears and go to that.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, yeah. So doing the road. Doing the road is just funny. This is a side story, because I just. It just happened. But, you know, I'm promoting this tour, and I don't have a podcast. I don't have.

[Ryan Sickler]

Why don't you.

[Nick Swartzen]

I. I just. I like doing these. You know what I mean?

[Ryan Sickler]

Fair enough.

[Nick Swartzen]

But, like, you know, I don't have a lot of Netflix specials or anything, so it's like, I. I just. All my stuff is on Instagram, so I'm just, like, promoting my inserts. Real Nick Swartzen. And I just, you know, promoting my dates. I'm not on Facebook. I'm not fucking anything. So, you know, I got a show in Boston. I've done Boston forever. Like, I've done. It's one of my favorite comedy towns, one of the best comedy towns. So I'm going, like, Boston, you know, whatever the date was in November. And. And. And then people were like, my friends from Boston were like, no, you're. You're in Medford. And I go, oh, yeah, but it's Boston. And they were like, yeah, but it's, like, right outside. And I go, well, how far? And, like, like 10 minutes. And I go, okay, but it's Boston. Like, that'll catch people's attention. So then I get to Boston early, and I'm hanging out with my friends, and then, like, locals are coming up to me like, hey, Swartzin. Yeah, you know, Yen Medford, you know? And I go, oh, yeah, I know, it's exciting. They're like, yeah, I saw in your Grammys at Boston. And I go, yeah. Like, yeah, but you're in Medford. And I go, yeah, but they're like, nah. Yeah, in Medford. I'm asking my boss and friends like, yeah, I mean, technically, you're in Medford. I'm like, yeah, but I mean, it's fucking right there. And they're like, yeah, but people, like, won't even. They won't. Like, sometimes they won't drive that far.

[Ryan Sickler]

Ten minutes.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. And I'm like, fucking, really? And then I went back on my social media, but there were a handful of places like that where I would just put it under the umbrella where it was, like, kind of close.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. The major live nation would give me.

[Nick Swartzen]

The dates, and they were like, here's Boston. Like Pittsburgh. I did Munhall. Like, that's where they. Technically, it was, but they were kind of cool about. They were like, yeah, it's a Pittsburgh whatever, but it's the Boston suburbs. Yeah, but, like, you know, it was just. It was so Boston. It was just like, yeah, but it's Medford, pal. You come here and you throw that at us. You up, man. Where's your mother live?

[Ryan Sickler]

Where's your mother?

[Nick Swartzen]

I was laughing with my friend Bob Marley.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, I know.

[Nick Swartzen]

I remember Bob. So funny. Bob lives in New England with his family. Great comic, but he's local. And I was telling him the story, and he's. He was laughing so hard. He's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But, yeah, like, my Chicago play, I couldn't get the Chicago theater, one of my favorites. And I did a casino right over the Border in Gary, Indiana, and it was right over the border, and I kept promoting it. As Chicago. And people are like, bro, it's not. And I'm like, yeah, but it's like 15, 20 minutes maybe without traffic. And it's. They're like, yeah, no, like. So I'm doing the Chicago improv, which again is Schomburg, but that's the data I picked up.

[Ryan Sickler]

So Schomburg.

[Nick Swartzen]

And I'll probably get for that if I promote a Chicago.

[Ryan Sickler]

You will, you will.

[Nick Swartzen]

I know.

[Ryan Sickler]

Tell me about the travel fuck.

[Nick Swartzen]

It's not easy, man. Damn it. Travelodge. So I would go to Vegas every year, me and my friend Matt, and that was our thing. We loved fireworks. I love fireworks. And so we liked serious fireworks. So we would drive to Vegas right before the 4th of July, and we would buy crazy fireworks in Pahrumph, Nevada. And they had like a fucking Walmart of fireworks. It was a store that was so massive. It was like Narnia for me. And it was buy one, get one free. So if you spent 100 bucks, you would get another 100 bucks free in fireworks.

[Ryan Sickler]

And these are like the shit.

[Nick Swartzen]

You're like serious mortars and shit like that. So I. Me and my buddy would. I would spend $1,000 and we would get another thousand for free.

[Ryan Sickler]

Jeez.

[Nick Swartzen]

So we would Vegas, buy our fireworks, fucking party our tits off, and then go back to L. A. So one time we're driving there and I go, dude, why are we even. So I got like, rooms for us at the Bellagio. And I go, dude, why are we doing this? Why don't we just. We're never in the room. No one's in the room in Vegas. You need a place to pass out. And I go, why am I spending fucking 900 bucks a night? The Bellagio, the Travel Lodge is like 50, 60 bucks. And he's like, good idea. I'm like, we'll just share a room and then fucking go out and get to do our thing. So we drive from la, which is not that far. It's like, it was like a five hour drive. And check into the Travelodge. I lay down. I'm like. I'm just gonna, like, lay down for a minute. I was tired. My buddy goes in the bathroom, walks right out, and he goes, get. Just grab your shit, man. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, just. No more questions, just grab your shit, let's go. And I go, what are you. So we just drove here, dude. Like, let's. What are you talking about? He goes, okay, go into the bathroom. And I go, what? Fine. I go in the bathroom. There's diarrhea all over the wall. All over the wall. Like somebody just took a fucking water balloon of shit and just won a Cy Young Award. Against the wall. I mean, good lord.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, fuck.

[Nick Swartzen]

And, you know, my buddy walked in and out, so it wasn't my friend. He was right there. So. Yeah. And I was like, oh, my God. And we got in the car, went to the Bellagio. I got a room that was like 1200 bucks. Happily, I was like, oh, yeah, okay. This is why I thought I was beating the system. No, the system shit all over me. System's like, ah, I see what you're doing. See what you're doing, bro. Watch this shit.

[Ryan Sickler]

Tell me about Planet Hollywood.

[Nick Swartzen]

Planet Hollywood was my last job, and I always stand by this. If I ever didn't do comedy and there was a moment where I wanted to retire legitimately, I was just kind of exhausted. And I also. You know, it's hard to, like. It's people who come to comedy shows. Thank you, by the way, for being fans of me and Ryan and other comedians and stuff like that. But it's hard once you set a bar of, like, when you get a new hour, you need a new hour, and you want it to be good, and it's just like. It's. It's, you know, a lot of pressure. So there was a moment where I flirted with not doing comedy anymore. And I was going to go back to, like, in the service industry because I loved. I loved being in the service industry. I love being. I worked at Planet Hollywood. It was one of my favorite. It was my favorite job outside of comedy.

[Ryan Sickler]

Was this in Minnesota.

[Nick Swartzen]

It was at the Mall of America.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. There's a place for fun in your life.

[Ryan Sickler]

Just there.

[Nick Swartzen]

I did love America.

[Ryan Sickler]

I stayed there because I did a small theater in Minneapolis.

[Nick Swartzen]

I did the Varsity.

[Ryan Sickler]

I did the Magic Bag in Detroit, and I flew right to Minneapolis. Did. No, I'm at the. Look it up. I can't remember now. Fuck. The Parkway.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that.

[Ryan Sickler]

Maybe that Parkway theater. I got to look it up. I don't know. It was like a little 400 seat theater.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And it was, you know, it was funny. I still did very well. Almost sold out. Would have sold out, but they told me it was opening day, deer season. And they take that. Like, I had so many fans Be like, love you, bro. But.

[Nick Swartzen]

Right.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's opening day, rifle season, man.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, we're going. Yeah. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

It was a big deal, dude. It was a big deal.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

So tell me about Playing so let's talk about jobs.

[Nick Swartzen]

Oh, yeah, so. So, yeah, we're complaining, but so I would go back to the service industry because I just had so much fun. I'm still friends with a lot of the servers and staff there from back in those days. And you know, it's just, it's almost like you're doing. You're a stand up, you know, I mean, the personalities of Planet Hollywood. Some of the funniest people I've ever met were servers at Planet Hollywood. So anyway, I was a busboy there and I loved it. And then this is one story, but when I started stand up, I was like, I didn't go to college, obviously. Like I said, I didn't have any money or anything. So I was like, I'll try stand up. And I sat at the Acme Comedy lobby at the Comedy Company and I was going to do the open mic and you get three minutes. And I had a little journal and I wrote down, I'm about to do standup and someday maybe I'll be on the wall at Planet Hollywood. And then cut to my movie. Bucky Larson came out where I was the star. And then the Planet Hollywood in Times Square, New York immortalized my hands and my signature and my picture and everything. So that was really cool. That was a full circle kind of thing where like as a throwaway, I just wrote, yeah, maybe someday I'll be on the wall.

[Ryan Sickler]

You just gave me a flashback. First of all, that's awesome. And second of all, I want to actually thank you because one of the highlights of my career, and I've been lucky to have a few, was a table read for Bucky Larson.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that's right.

[Ryan Sickler]

I was part of your table read.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that's right.

[Ryan Sickler]

And at the table read, it was Kurt Russell. Yeah, it was. Was Leguizamo there? John Leguizamo.

[Nick Swartzen]

I feel like he was, I don't think.

[Ryan Sickler]

Or Turturro.

[Nick Swartzen]

It was tutorial.

[Ryan Sickler]

Nick Turturro was there, but there was somebody else that was a legend that was there too, that didn't end up being in it either. And I was just like, Jesus Christ. And it was so much fun.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

To watch these people like Kurt Russell pissing himself at this stuff.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

But also inspiring to see a guy like Kurt Russell who doesn't need to be.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know what I mean? That's Kurt Russell. You got the part, you don't need to be. And he's still there for something he doesn't end up getting or doing anyway.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Whatever the conflict was, who ended up becoming him?

[Nick Swartzen]

Don Johnson.

[Ryan Sickler]

That was Don Johnson, who was phenomenal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

He was incredible. Yeah, but, yeah, no, I remember that. Yeah, that was great.

[Ryan Sickler]

That was so much.

[Nick Swartzen]

Table reads are so weird too, because.

[Ryan Sickler]

You'Re essentially the most comfortable because. Yeah, you've got all the samplers sitting around everyone.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, it was Sandler owner's idea. But incredible. Yeah, it's. It's a lot of pressure though. Table.

[Ryan Sickler]

So jobs before you said you got fired from all of them. What do you. Were you just around or you just.

[Nick Swartzen]

I just didn't take anything seriously. So Planet Hollywood, you had like a three strike system, but you like this job?

[Ryan Sickler]

I did. Loved it.

[Nick Swartzen]

So, like. And then there was a comedy club in the Mall of America. So like when I started, when I was working comedy. Yeah. No. Oh, it was called Knuckleheads.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

Back in the day, this is 1995. Same, same stairs, same upstairs, but not the same venue. But so I would do Planet Hollywood and then I would go at night or after my shift and I would do the open mic at Knucklehead.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, that's how you got started?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Nick Swartzen]

So I did started Acme and then I would. Knuckleheads was the first one actually hire me as an emcee. But yeah, so Planet Hollywood. And then I got fired. So they would have a three strike system. So if you fucked up, you know, if your uniform is wrong, if this, you know. But three strikes and you're out, obviously. And there was a point where one of the head waiters was talking to the GM and he's like, hey, what the fuck? And the GMs like, what? And he goes, look at Swartzen. Look at his uniform, it's filthy. Look at his shoes. He looks like a homeless person. And he goes, how many fucking strikes does this dude get? And he goes, he's like on like 10. And I think somebody goes, no, it's like 12. And the GM goes, yeah, but Nick's hilarious. And he's like, whatever. He was like all pissed off, but like, I should have. And then finally they had to like, let me. They were like, Jesus Christ, you can't.

[Ryan Sickler]

We just can't keep doing it for you.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, I took the Knight Rider car off the wall and drove it through the restaurant. Killed. I killed like 200 people. It was really bad. A lot of people died, but it was fine. It was night Rider car, you know, just. And I wore. I wore Schwarzenegger's tournamentator outfit. I put all this on from the wall.

[Ryan Sickler]

Did you ever put on. Did you ever get stuff that was coming in yet before they put it up, though, you know, you see it coming in or anything like, oh, it's Jean Simmons's bat wings, you know, fly around.

[Nick Swartzen]

Jean Simmons. Gene Simmons Batman audition went horribly wrong.

[Ryan Sickler]

What was your first job?

[Nick Swartzen]

I was horrible at every job. My first job was a paper route bicycle. Yeah. And then I just was, like, lazy. And my dad would drive me and I'd, like, run, jump out of the car. So lame. But, yeah, I was bad. I'd throw the paper all over the place and, like, houses would trap squirrels and raccoons and animals to keep them away, and I would let them out and.

[Ryan Sickler]

Animals?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. You throw it around. Yeah, totally. I was fired. I was just fired all the time. Yeah, I was like a little Robin Hood, just saving all the poor animals. Yeah, I was.

[Ryan Sickler]

What was it about that you liked about the service industry? You think if you weren't a comedian, you'd have stayed in something like that?

[Nick Swartzen]

I would say, if I wasn't a. Yeah. Or be a teacher.

[Ryan Sickler]

Really?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, because, like, you got an audience, not a tarred teacher where, like, I'm not gonna teach calculus or some, like, third grade's pretty solid. I think I could handle that.

[Ryan Sickler]

Look, like, you would be a great elementary school teacher.

[Nick Swartzen]

It'd be really.

[Ryan Sickler]

You would.

[Nick Swartzen]

That would be cool. But I almost quit. I remember, God, was this. It was pre Covid, and my buddy Alan is a bar owner in la and he owned a bar in Hawaii on Maui. And he was like, I opened a bar and I got a house. Sick house, you know. I know you come to Hawaii a lot. You know, if you ever are there, you can crash with me. And I go, can I work at the bar? And he goes, what do you mean? And I. This is around when I turned 40. I'm 48 right now. And he goes, what do you mean? I go, can you get me a job as a bartender? I go, I would love to do that. That sounds like a blast. And he goes, yeah, sure. And I go, okay, cool. So I called my fucking agent and my manager, and I go, hey, I think I'm done. And he goes, what do you mean? And I go, well, I mean, I did it, you know, I had my own TV show. I was on hit TV shows. I've done movies. I've done everything. I've had platinum albums. I mean, fucking great. It's great. What a fun ride. And I go, I'm out. I'm gonna go Be a bartender in Maui. And my manager goes, no, no, no. That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. And I go, what do you mean? It sounds amazing. He goes, yeah, when you're 60 or 60, retire and be a bartender, you're fucking 40. And I think I told Sandler that. And Sandler was like, no. Everyone's like, what are you talking about? And other comedians were like, what? But whatever. So long story short, I call my buddy back and I was like, yeah, turns out, yeah, I can't. He was like, yeah. Even I was like, that'd be really cool to have Nick Sworesen be my bartender. That would be great prep. But he's like, yeah, I don't want you to quit. Just as a fan. He's like, so that was funny. That was my. The closest I came to stepping away from the business. But yeah, I mean, I would love to be a bartender.

[Ryan Sickler]

You will do that when you get older.

[Nick Swartzen]

I think it'd be great. I would love to open up my own bar. Like a really good.

[Ryan Sickler]

You think you could Sam alone it and be totally narrow while you're in there though? I mean, he just remember he was always drinking what, Seltzer water, soda. Watering alcoholic.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, that's right.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, totally.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

I mean, I don't like, I haven't drank right now. I mean it'll be four months I haven't had a drink.

[Ryan Sickler]

Nothing. Yeah, that's great.

[Nick Swartzen]

I quit smoking cigarettes well over a year ago.

[Ryan Sickler]

All I do now is we smoke weed. Like, I'm not trying to. I don't say it like I'm better than anybody else. I haven't drank in two years. I haven't had a drop alcohol. And January 1st will be two years. And I don't. I've smoked a small forest. But I don't miss the. I don't miss the after effects of what drinking would do to me. Yeah, you know, the hangovers are just. Especially as you get older. You can't bounce back from that like.

[Nick Swartzen]

You did in your 20s.

[Ryan Sickler]

It'll you up for a couple days. Yeah, I'd be slow for a minute. Like I could really feel it.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. And mentally it's just. You're just off and it like right now. Like this tour has been amazing. I've got my special that I released over the summer is called Make Joke from face on YouTube. So that's on YouTube and it's also on Amazon. And then this is a whole new hour toilet head. Nickswartzen.net I've got the Midwest coming up, and then East Coast, D.C. and New York.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is addiction something that, like, runs in your family? Talk about being a genetic brain aneurysm, but I know that people have the gene for that. Is that something your parents.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, both my grandfathers were big dads.

[Cascade Natural Gas Representative]

Were.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. But, like, I have a weird thing.

[Ryan Sickler]

Your mom and dad weren't in the house or anything like that? No, no, they were never smokers, were they smokers?

[Nick Swartzen]

My dad was, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

In the house?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He smoked in the house and in the car. But, you know, it's like, being older, it's like growing up in the 70s and 80s, there was no rules. Let me give a. Like, when I look on Instagram and, like, kids getting hurt, like, that's an account on Instagram.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh. And it was just like.

[Nick Swartzen]

That was just constant when I was growing up.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yes.

[Nick Swartzen]

It was like, all the time.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yes.

[Nick Swartzen]

And then comments. The same thing with, like, animals and, like, you know, cats do something fudgeing weird. And they're filmed, you know, jumping, trying to jump across and, like, eat shit. And people are like, oh, my God, this is not funny. And it's like, they're animals and kids. You know what I mean? I mean, sometimes it's like, you know, why are you filming this when they're clearly about to get hurt? But sometimes it's just like, that's what happens. And that's like, what growing up was like, holy fuck. I don't know how we got to that from, oh, yeah, my dad's smoking. But no, like, me with drinking is. I just really loved it. You know what I mean? I just had a blast. I mean, people can attest to that. That I met me on the road. I mean, I just. I really, like, love many people.

[Ryan Sickler]

I know that would come up to me like this years ago, back when you were drinking. Like, I was in Barney Bean. Barney's Beanery this week. I'm like, you see Nick Schwartz. And they're like, yes, I was about to tell you. I'm like, that was spot.

[Nick Swartzen]

I drank there forever. Drink there all the time. Day drinking all the time.

[Ryan Sickler]

You were always there for football.

[Nick Swartzen]

Always there for football.

[Ryan Sickler]

Was that your spot to go watch the Vikings? Yeah.

[Nick Swartzen]

Because they have multiple TVs, you know what I mean? And they.

[Ryan Sickler]

And you lived. Would you. Walking distance.

[Nick Swartzen]

I was like, two blocks away, living there and then. But they had the package. You could watch any game, dude. You could. The guys would come in from, like, France and be like, do you have the front Belgium game. And they'd be like, oh, yeah. And they put it on a tv. Like, they had everything. It was great. I mean, it's still there. But, yeah, I just. I really, like. Drinking was just so fun. It was great, man. I mean, I like going on a good bender because I would never do drugs. I never. I mean, I've done drugs, but I wasn't one of those people that would get in fights or get weird.

[Ryan Sickler]

Arrested. Yeah. Or, like, drinking, driving and.

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, no, like, all that stuff's terrible. I would just drink and, like, have fun.

[Ryan Sickler]

What, man?

[Nick Swartzen]

I can, like, hang out at bars. That's the weird thing. I think that was. My point is, like, I still hang out of bars all the time. Like, I can hang out at bars and all night for, you know, not drink at all. Not even. Not even think about. Not even want to, like. And that's weird. That's a really rare thing for drinkers because, you know, there's people that I've met that, like, can't even. They can't even walk past a bar or see a beer bottle or an empty glass of wine without getting, like, panicky.

[Ryan Sickler]

I've talked to. I mean, I'm lucky. I'm a guy that could drink half a beer or walk away from it. I've had plenty of people on this show that say, no, if I start drinking, I will drink 20 of them.

[Nick Swartzen]

Right.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's not a 2, 3 thing for me, because I can't. I have a problem, and I'm going as far as I can go. I get that.

[Nick Swartzen]

I totally get that. I mean, I've been there where it's like, if I'm in a drink, I'm going to drink. You know what I mean?

[Ryan Sickler]

I want to wrap this up because we got to get you out of here.

[Nick Swartzen]

Okay.

[Ryan Sickler]

But we didn't get to talk.

[Nick Swartzen]

What did I do? What I do wrong?

[Ryan Sickler]

I want to talk about what they did for you at playing Hollywood. We didn't talk about the full circle.

[Nick Swartzen]

What do you mean?

[Ryan Sickler]

Didn't you get your hands?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah, I thought I mentioned that.

[Ryan Sickler]

Did you?

[Nick Swartzen]

Yeah. Bucky Larson, when I did Bucky Larson in New York.

[Ryan Sickler]

I don't think we. I think I interrupted you and told you about my money.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's on you. I'm out.

[Ryan Sickler]

I'm over your table read. So wait, even if you did say it again.

[Nick Swartzen]

Okay, we'll go back.

[Ryan Sickler]

I think I interrupted you.

[Nick Swartzen]

So I was at Acme Comedy Company, my home club, in the lobby, and I wrote, someday I'll hopefully I'll be on the wall of planet Hollywood. Then when Bucky Larson came out, it was my starring movie with Sony that me and Sandler wrote. And then Planet Hollywood in Times Square in New York immortalized my hands in cement and my signature and my picture on the wall. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

I think I stole your thunder. I'm sorry.

[Nick Swartzen]

That's fine.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's great. Is it still there?

[Nick Swartzen]

I don't think that's. I think that's why they did it. They're like, this shit's about to get torn down. We know. Let's immortalize what you Rob Schneider's kindergarten teacher. Yeah. We'll put your hands on the cement. Carrot tops. Mailman. Yeah. Go for it. Sign the wall.

[Ryan Sickler]

This was great, dude. I love you. Thank you so much.

[Nick Swartzen]

I love you. Thank you very much.

[Ryan Sickler]

Right there again, promote your special, your Instagram, your tour.

[Nick Swartzen]

Real Nick Swartz and real Nick Swartzen on Instagram, Nick Swartz and.net for tour dates make joke from face on YouTube now. But a whole new hour. Toilet head.

[Ryan Sickler]

Thank you, brother.

[Nick Swartzen]

Thank you as always.

[Ryan Sickler]

Ryan Sickler on all your social media. RyanCickler.com we'll talk to y'all next week.

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