The Real Reason She Loses Interest in Sex | John Gray : 1465

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Real Reason She Loses Interest in Sex | John Gray

Podcast: The Human Upgrade: Biohacking for Longevity & Performance
Host: Dave Asprey
Guest: Dr. John Gray, PhD (Author, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”)
Episode: #1465
Date: May 12, 2026

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Overview

In this energetic and revealing episode, Dave Asprey welcomes back Dr. John Gray—legendary relationship counselor and early biohacker—to discuss the hidden hormonal and psychological reasons women lose interest in sex, why men struggle with declining testosterone, and how modern society is disrupting the delicate hormonal balance that underpins healthy relationships and sexuality. Drawing from his decades of counseling, recent research, and deep knowledge of hormones, John Gray unpacks the interplay between testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, and emotional dynamics between men and women, offering actionable strategies for revitalizing passion, connection, and longevity in your intimate life.

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Key Topics & Insights

Setting the Stage: Hormones, Sex, and Aging

• John Gray’s Biohacking Credentials:
  At 74, John Gray boasts a testosterone level of 600—much higher than his youth—without pharmaceutical assistance, attributing this to understanding and optimizing relational and internal dynamics.
  “I’m 74 years old. I just had sex for an hour this morning. ... My testosterone is 600. When I was a young guy, I was 400 for my body type.” — John Gray [00:00]

• Dave frames the topic:
  Why are relationships faltering as male and female testosterone collapse in society?
  “Is the collapse in testosterone why relationships are failing so much today?” — Dave Asprey [03:51]

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The Biology of Relationships: Hormonal Dance

Men & Women—Different Hormonal Requirements [04:07–06:28]

• Men need high testosterone for well-being and sexual function.
• Women require high estrogen to avoid chronic stress and achieve orgasmic potential.
• Relational environments act as powerful, ‘epigenetic’ stimulators of these hormones.
• “Every man knows you get turned on by a woman ... that woman has to be giving you messages that she sees you as a success. ... When a man is very successful, her estrogen will go high. That’s the orgasmic state.” — John Gray [05:10]

Safety & Attraction [06:28–07:07]

• Women’s need for safety: When a woman feels emotionally safe, her estrogen surges; this is essential for desire and deep sexuality.
• Men’s attraction: Boosted by feeling admired and trusted.
• “Anytime a woman feels safe in a man’s presence, what’s she getting? The most important thing for women is to feel safe.” — John Gray [06:28]

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The Cycle of Desire & The “Interest Drop-off”

Why Women Lose Sexual Interest [07:07–10:07]

• As men age, estrogen rises, which aids empathy but may reduce desire if out of balance.
• Women cannot desire sex without a peak in estrogen, usually stimulated by feeling deeply loved, safe, and successful emotional foreplay.
• Excess oral or emotional “complaining” by women or “shutting down” by men can undermine this feedback loop.
• "A woman can’t be in the mood...unless her estrogen levels go really high. That means she feels you did something that makes her feel safe and loved.” — John Gray [07:29]

Foreplay & Orgasm [08:47–09:57]

• Foreplay not only builds arousal, but hormonally prepares women to desire sex—the process raises estrogen and triggers testosterone, creating sexual readiness.

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Communication Patterns: The Root of Relationship Breakdown

What Not To Do During Conflict [11:47–13:09]

• Men: Never tell a woman to “calm down,” explain her emotions away, or tell her what to feel.
• Women: Avoid telling men what to do or blaming them (“You should do this/why did you do that?”).
• “Any time you tell a woman you shouldn’t feel that way, it’s just going to make it worse... The same thing for women: any time you tell a man what he should do, it’s dynamite.” — John Gray [12:09]

Requests vs. Complaints [13:45–16:50]

• Complaints and blame erode desire and respect; direct, non-blaming requests (“Would you help me with...?”) build intimacy and willingness.
• Women often “feminize” men and expect them to relate like girlfriends, which backfires hormonally.

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The Science of Emotional States

Hormones and Emotional Triggers [16:50–21:47]

• Anger in men is typically a sign of high estrogen (not testosterone!).
• Arguing or complaining as a man increases estrogen and decreases testosterone.
• Practical advice: Men should listen without reacting; women should avoid complaining as a means to get needs met.

Childhood Conditioning, Guilt, and Shame [20:10–29:47]

• Both genders have deep-seated insecurities: women with inadequacy, men with feelings of “not enough.”
• Childhood punishment systems can create adults who seek relationships that repeat cycles of suffering for worthiness, including sexual dynamics (e.g. BDSM is reframed as the attempt to safely process punishment).

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Mirror Neurons, Stress, and Relationship Healing

The Power of Mirror Neurons [22:10–28:59]

• Mirror neurons allow humans to empathize and bond; they are affected differently by stress in men and women.
• Men’s emotional systems “shut down” under moderate to high stress (adrenaline, challenge, etc.), whereas women’s emotions amplify.
• Sex, safety, and open emotional states are key times when men’s mirror neurons open, enabling deep connection.
• “When women are naked in bed and you’re having sex with her, that’s when [a man's] mirror neurons open.” — John Gray [73:00, paraphrased]

The Role of Forgiveness and Gratitude [28:24–31:10]

• Processing emotions (anger, fear, sadness, guilt) and focusing on what you want enables self-purification, gratitude, and relationship resilience.

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Practical Tools, Biohacks & Rituals

Listening Techniques & Dealing with Complaints [32:43–34:00]

• Men are advised to remain calm, invite their partners to “tell me more,” and not take complaints personally.
• Practical phrases: “Help me understand that better,” or simply “tell me more.”

Importance of Female Friendships [40:41–42:18]

• Women need other women for co-regulation (oxytocin surge) and stress relief—men cannot and should not be expected to fulfill this role exclusively.

The Five-Finger Ask [74:45–75:40]

• Women are encouraged to ask their male partners daily for small favors (that they could do themselves), which, when fulfilled with enthusiasm, provide a valuable estrogen boost and reaffirm availability and connection.

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The Biochemistry of Monogamy and Lust

Prolactin’s Double-Edged Sword [61:30–64:13]

• In committed relationships, men produce dramatically higher prolactin, increasing bonding/security but suppressing sexual desire over time.
• Solution: Maintain high testosterone (men) and high estrogen (women) to preserve sexual polarity and attraction despite prolactin’s calming effect.
• “When you’re in a committed relationship, your body will make five times more [prolactin]... it also causes you to lose interest in sex.” — John Gray [61:30]

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Supplements & Dietary Practices

Lithium Orotate [46:40–49:00]

• John Gray champions lithium orotate for mood and hormonal balance, regulating dopamine and serotonin (“balancing the brain”).
• Historic note: 7UP originally contained lithium for this very benefit.
• “Lithium will balance your dopamine and serotonin... I think everybody needs it in our society.” — John Gray [47:04]

Pre-digested Proteins [54:07–55:27]

• A homemade, enzyme-enhanced protein blend (casein & whey, balanced like mother's milk) unleashes optimal peptide absorption, boosts brain health, and supports hormone balance.
• “I’m gonna live to 132.” — John Gray [54:58]

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Advanced Sexual Mastery, Semen Retention, and Longevity

• Semen retention for men is advocated as a means to optimize focus, bioenergetics, and long-term libido.
• “I can have many, many orgasms without squirting because I can handle that high dopamine stimulation.” — John Gray [48:44]
• Men, especially as they age, benefit from discipline, distance, and passion to maintain desire and testosterone.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On biological triggers for desire:
  “If her estrogen goes really high... then luteinizing hormone gets produced, stimulating her testosterone. ... That’s why for most couples, before they can really have orgasmic sex, you have to have foreplay.” — John Gray [07:40]

• On male “success” and female attraction:
  “Make a man your hero. He’ll die for you, but you’ve got to make him a hero.” — John Gray [13:00]

• On arguing and complaining:
  “Anytime a man is angry, he’s afraid. He’s on his emotional side, he’s scared. ... If you resist her complaints, you have to just keep your mouth closed. Don’t talk so much.” — John Gray [16:50, 32:43]

• On safety and magnetism in committed relationships:
  “I have no interest in another woman... all I want is you. When a woman can hear that from a man ... that’s prolactin, but I would have no sexual desire for her, except that my testosterone levels are so high and her estrogen levels are so high.” — John Gray [63:34]

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Notable Timestamps & Segments

• Intro to Relationships & Hormones: [04:07–07:07]
• Why Women Lose Sexual Interest: [07:07–10:07]
• Communication Pitfalls: [11:47–16:50]
• Hormones, Emotions, and Childhood Patterns: [20:10–29:47]
• Mirror Neurons & Empathy in Sex: [22:10, 41:19, 73:00]
• Prolactin, Monogamy, and Sexual Desire: [61:30–64:13]
• Semen Retention, Advanced Sexual Practices: [54:56–56:58]
• Five-Finger Ask Ritual: [74:45–75:40]

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Actionable Takeaways

1. Men & women need hormonally distinct “fuel”—testosterone and estrogen, respectively—that must be consciously cultivated.
2. Emotional safety (not just physical) is crucial for women’s desire: men should focus on presence, active listening, and creating a nonjudgmental space.
3. Constructive, non-blaming communication is essential. Requests are better than complaints.
4. Ritualize connection: daily “asks” and check-ins help keep the bond alive and estrogen/testosterone up.
5. Female-female friendships are vital: women must “vent” and co-regulate with other women to avoid overburdening their primary relationship.
6. Supplements and lifestyle biohacks can help balance brain chemistry and hormones: consider lithium orotate, pre-digested proteins, and disciplined practices like semen retention.

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Further Exploration

• Book Mentioned:
  “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: For Women Only — Be Happy With or Without a Man” by John Gray [22:05, 22:10]
• App:
  Mars Venus Heart Space app (guides users through processing emotions) [27:53, 31:10]

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Final Thought

John Gray and Dave Asprey, through a mix of science, experience, and humor, demystify the hormonal, psychological, and cultural forces behind sexuality and connection as we age, delivering both wisdom and tactical how-tos for lasting passion and healing in relationships.

“The point of sex is not just to get off. It’s to open your heart and become one and to feel more love towards your partner.” — John Gray [67:33]

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Listen to the full episode for expanded stories, nuanced examples, and practical rituals that will upgrade your hormonal health, intimacy, and longevity.

Transcript

[John Gray]

I'm 74 years old. I just had sex for an hour this morning.

[Dave Asprey]

You're not using Cialis or testosterone replacement.

[John Gray]

For me, at 74 years old, my testosterone is 600. When I was a young guy, I was 400 for my body type. As we get older as men, their estrogen naturally rises. Road rage is when your estrogen is high. It's not testosterone. Anytime a man is angry, he's afraid. When men have erections, it's because their estrogen levels are rising. When you're in a committed relationship, your body will make five times more. It also causes you to lose interest in sex.

[Dave Asprey]

You're listening to the Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey. And Doug.

[John Gray]

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[Dave Asprey]

Today's episode is with a living legend and a dear friend. A guy I've really come to admire and respect. If you've ever heard people say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, well, it was John Gray who said that. And you might know him from the relationship industry, but when you read one of his books, especially his later books or his most recent book, that's just for Women, he is an OG Biohacker. Before I even came up with the word biohacking. And he's talking about, oh, this raises oxytocin or estrogen or testosterone or dopamine. And John even overcame early stage Parkinson's using biohacking techniques. So the living legend and someone I'm really honored to have back on the show. John, my friend, welcome.

[John Gray]

Thank you so much, my friend. I just. I'm excited to do the show today. You know, it's like, I got a whole new chest of jewels that I want to share with you.

[Dave Asprey]

And every time we talk, you share, like, a public set of jewels. And then we get to have dinner or something. And then you've got, like, 50 other things that you haven't released yet, and you're not slowing down in the slightest. I've learned a lot of cool stuff from you, whether it's relational stuff stuff, biohacking stuff, hormonal stuff, even old meditation practice things. And you've got the full stack. And anyone who's read one of your books is going to go, oh, wow, there's something going on here. But I would encourage start from the current ones and work backwards because you've just gotten better and better with the years.

[John Gray]

Thank you. I feel better and better.

[Dave Asprey]

Something that's just in all the news, some I've talked about a lot, even going back to my fertility book, is the collapse in male testosterone. And no one says it. And female testosterone, we'll say societal collapse of testosterone. Is that why relationships are failing so much today?

[John Gray]

One symptom of it? Yeah, absolutely. No challenge. Okay, so here's the basic thing. Before people call me a sexist, I don't think your people will, because we understand men need to make a lot of testosterone. Women need to make a lot of estrogen. When they're not making estrogen, they can't get pregnant. When their estrogen levels are low, they're always stressed. If you measure the cortisol hormone in a woman, it's always when her estrogen is low. And when you measure a cortisol being produced in a man, it's always when his testosterone is low. And when your cortisol is being produced, your brain functions differently. In a sense. You're very pessimistic rather than optimistic, and that's what stress is. We're looking. I'm not safe. So we're Being pessimistic, looking for where's the terrorist, what's wrong? Rather than what are the opportunities, what's good? And how many women relate to each other has a huge impact on a man's testosterone and a woman's estrogen.

[Dave Asprey]

So our environment, our relational environment is shaping our hormones. It's almost like epigenetics is a thing, right?

[John Gray]

Total thing. Total thing. And, you know, not a lot of people talk about, like you just summarized it right, there is. Our relational environment is a major stimulator of our hormones. And how do I say that? Because every man knows you get turned on by a woman. You don't get turned on by a tree. You don't get turned on by vitamin C. Okay? You get turned on by a woman, and that woman has to be giving you messages that she sees you as a success. That's the key thing. If a man gets messages that a woman sees you as a success. Now, what does a woman feel? When a man is very successful, her estrogen will go high. That's the orgasmic state. First, estrogen has to be about 10 times higher than a man's in order for her just to not be stressed. Then for her to be in the orgasmic state, it needs to double again. And when I say orgasmic state, it's potential orgasmic state. You still have to stimulate it. And what stimulates estrogen in women is feeling I can have what I need, that I have what I need, that I will get what I need. So you see a big successful guy like you, women are going, oh, too bad you're taken. Are you taken? I'm not sure.

[Dave Asprey]

No, I'm not taken.

[John Gray]

Okay, you're taking a lot of supplements.

[Dave Asprey]

There you go. Yeah, I'm married to my mitochondria. There we go.

[John Gray]

Well, anytime a woman feels safe in a man's presence, what's she getting? The most important thing for women is to feel safe. It is by, by far. Because whenever stress hormones, it's just you don't feel safe. And when a woman feels safe, her estrogen goes higher and higher and higher. And so when her estrogen goes up in presence of you, Alpha man, testosterone up, hard working farmer. I mean, you got it all, except you don't have one right now, which is responding to you. I don't know, I just ask if you're taken. Maybe you're not taken.

[Dave Asprey]

But I mean, it doesn't say I don't have more than one, but okay,

[John Gray]

all right, there you go.

[Dave Asprey]

I'm not in a. In a Committed relationship right now.

[John Gray]

But you know what I mean. I started out with just simple concept. We're talking testosterone as part of our talk today. There's no question. I'm 74 years old. I just had sex for an hour this morning. I'm hard as a rock. I never fail. But you see what it is. As we get older as men, their estrogen naturally rises. Estrogen gives you the ability to feel empathy. So I can feel what my wife feels. So if my wife feels turned on to me, I get turned on like that. When I'm a younger guy, I don't have that much empathy. But when a woman starts undressing, the subconscious mind thinks she wants me just because she's showing her parts. So when women show their parts for a young guy, his subconscious mind gets the message that he's an alpha. She wants me. His testosterone goes up. Now, when you get older, a lot of men stop having sex with their wives because their wives are not in the mood to have sex. A woman can't be in the mood to have sex. Generally speaking, I have exceptions for everything. But it's when her estrogen levels go really high. That means she feels you did something that makes her feel safe and loved. Her estrogen goes really high. Then luteinizing hormone gets produced, stimulating her testosterone to go up. And as her testosterone surges in his presence, she will feel desire to have sex. That's why for most couples, before they can really have orgasmic sex, you have to have foreplay. Foreplay is where you slowly build up a woman's estrogen. As her estrogen builds up to a certain point, then she starts making testosterone, balancing her estrogen. You know, you talked about women needing testosterone, Women taking testosterone, they'll have a libido and everything. But the healthy version of testosterone for women is she. Her estrogen just rises so high, which means her stress is low. Then her testosterone emerges, and she now wants to be penetrated. I want to be penetrated. And when you. When you're talking with a woman who wants to be penetrated by you, your testosterone just shoots as high as it can go. So for me, at 74 years old, my testosterone measured is 600. When I was a young guy, I was 400. For my body type, 400 is a really good level.

[Dave Asprey]

Now, hold on. You said earlier that you have no problems with erections. You're 74. You have sex for an hour. Your testosterone is 600, which is a reasonable level for a lot of people.

[John Gray]

No, no, it's a very high level for my body Type. Body type.

[Dave Asprey]

For your body type and your age, it's crazy. But even if you're in your 30s, 600 is pretty good for a lot of people. And it was higher than you were. I want to note you're not using Cialis or Viagra, and you're not using testosterone replacement in your level there.

[John Gray]

When I was younger, I would take Tongkat Ali before I learned what I know now about raising a woman's estrogen. Tongkat Ali was a helper. I can't even take it. I'd be horny.

[Dave Asprey]

God, you're such a kid. All right, so you raise a woman's estrogen by making her feel safe or by empathizing. Like, what's the trick there?

[John Gray]

You gotta. Let's see. The thing that's gonna win a woman over is when you allow her to be crazy and you don't react. Every woman has crazy inside of her now. Every man has crazy, but really, it's not loving. See, what is crazy?

[Dave Asprey]

There's a reason people say that you're a sexist. You're not. And I know you very, very well. You actually adore women.

[John Gray]

I love them. But look, psychology says we're. Psychology explains it. If you're producing stress hormones, your brain doesn't work right. And if you. If you're. If you're. If you're feeling hurt, for example, you're in a victim state. You're no longer empowered. Blood flow is not going to your prefrontal cortex. You have a bias, a reverse bias, an inversion bias to everything. When you're in a stress state, something that is good is no longer good. He say he washes the dishes for you, and you pick up a glass and you go, yeah, but he didn't clean this glass. What's wrong with her? She's in a stressed state. Her brain switches. And men. Men can switch if they have high estrogen, but men shut down. So we become loving, and then we become unloving. Women are very loving and reasonable until they're not. And when you have negative. When you have emotion and you have no reason for it, it's any negative emotion. Is emotion without reason a little crazy? And we have words for this in psychology. It's like a stress state. There's 12 major states that people go into when their body produces stress hormones. I just explain in terms of gender so men can understand. When your wife's overreacting from your point of view. She's not overreacting from her point of view. It's a normal stress reaction. For women to what we men would call overreaction. Whereas what men do, a normal state for men when we're stressed is under reaction. That's when you shut down. You just close up.

[Dave Asprey]

Okay, so if a man's with his female partner and she's having an emotional, I'll say negative reaction, I'm assuming, like pepper spray and duct tape are not on the list of things you could do. So what is the thing that the man can do to resolve the situation and raise her estrogen and do all the things? Because when someone's out of control, you're like, dude, chill.

[John Gray]

The worst thing you should say to a woman is, calm down. Chill, honey, it's no big deal. Nothing's wrong. Why do you say that? Or give. Explain. That's not what I meant. That's not what I meant. You shouldn't feel that way. Anytime you tell a woman you shouldn't feel that way, it's just going to make it worse. It's make it dynamite. The same thing for women have to know. Anytime you tell a man what he should do is dynamite. Stop telling men what to do. You shouldn't do that. Why did you do that? Why were you saying that? But you said this. All this kind of telling people they don't know what love is. Love is loving someone just the way they are. But if we don't understand how men and women are different, it's crazy.

[Dave Asprey]

I dated a relationship coach who's still a dear friend for the last couple years, and she says, you know, she thinks that. That men are wired to make women happy. Right? Because it raises our testosterone.

[John Gray]

Make a man your hero. He'll die for you, but you got to make him a hero.

[Dave Asprey]

So you even make part of that.

[John Gray]

You can't part of that.

[Dave Asprey]

Telling him what you want. Like, okay, tell me what to do, all right, do this. It makes me happy. And then he's your hero. Because I hear that a lot. Guys are willing to do a lot of things. It pisses us off when we do things that are somehow not the right thing because you didn't tell us what you wanted. What's going on with that?

[John Gray]

What's the question? I didn't get it.

[Dave Asprey]

The question is that you were said earlier, guys don't. Guys don't want women to tell us what to do. And I'm just sort of saying, you know, if you tell me what you want, I'll do it.

[John Gray]

Yeah, that's what you're compelling us what to do, asking for help.

[Dave Asprey]

Yeah, we don't even boss around. Okay?

[John Gray]

It's like women tell us, you shouldn't do that, you shouldn't do that. This is what you should do. As opposed to saying, honey, would you call me next time so I can prepare dinner at the right time? Or would you give, Would you? See, the whole key here is to understand complaining. Complaining kills relationships. Yeah. Okay, so how so women, if I can't complain, how can I get them to change? Well, first of all, that's not love. Trying to change somebody is not love. Unless I'm saying to you, honey, how could I change and do better? What can I do? And if my wife was to say to me I feel hurt, my answer would be, I'm sorry I hurt you. What can I do? I wouldn't give an excuse. Just say what she needs to hear. Now the reality in my brain, I didn't hurt her. Anytime you feel hurt, you're telling yourself a story. You're telling yourself a story to justify your feeling you're hurt that you're a victim. I understand women. This is what they have to do. This is how we're reaction until we get a little more conscious and we realize the worst communication skill is what every relationship coach is teaching. Go to your partner and say, when you do xyz, I feel hurt. Therefore would you do abc? That's standard psychology. It's a worse to justify a request by saying I feel hurt. You're just like a victim. You're training your brain to suffer more in order to get what you want. Rather than realizing men want to be make you happy, just ask him without blaming him for hurting you. And this is a whole. It's a mind warp. I mean, most people have to hear this 10 times before they even get an idea that you do not have to justify asking someone who loves you, who give his life for you by telling him he failed you, you failed me. Therefore you should change. It doesn't allow men to grow. And what happens is women to get more in relationships rather than understanding what's most important to them. So here's another, another thing in this book for women only is helping women to realize they're feminizing men. They want men to be their girlfriends. You go down to the Amazon, right? I've been to the Amazon. You see, women are with women all the time, right? And you see them go down to the river, they're washing clothes, they've got rocks, they're talking, they're jabbering. See, when women can talk about what they feel and think with somebody who feels and thinks the same way. That's oneness. Their stress goes down, and they're expecting you, a man, to understand what they go through and what their feelings are. It's not possible. Wake up. Women don't try to feminize men. We're not women. And we can try because we have a female side. I can be like that. But for most men, if they go to their female side, they stop being masculine. Their testosterone goes down. Now, I'm a masculine man. I work hard. I've written 30 books behind me. I got a job, I counsel, I travel the world. I have great sex. What is. That's masculinity. I do stuff. But also I'm loving. I spend time with my grandchildren. I make love to my wife. I care about her. That's estrogen. And here's what's a good news for guys is if you can keep your testosterone up as you get older, you have something called wisdom. Because naturally for men, naturally for men, their estrogen goes higher. Okay, so my estrogen's pretty high. Okay, put it. Maybe I don't know how much higher is than women, but I have a high estrogen level, but my testosterone, proportionately is much higher. Anytime a man experiences anger, this is a massive point. Everybody thinks testosterone makes anger. No, if you get an injection and your testosterone goes too high, that you didn't make it yourself, it has aromatase, it converts into estrogen, and then you get angry. So get it, men. Road rage is when your estrogen is high. It's not testosterone, it's estrogen. How do I produce. See, part of my testosterone skill, I never complain. If I complain or argue or raise my voice in anger, I. What's my biology? In that moment, estrogen's off the chart. Testosterone's going down. Anytime a man is angry, he's afraid. He's on his emotional side, he's scared. So, okay, so just don't talk. The problem for men is when they get upset, they talk. When you talk about your feelings, estrogen goes up. That's why all women love my earlier books, because it says, women, you just tell the man you just need to talk, and he doesn't have to say anything. Now, the mistake I made in Men are from Mars, I didn't explicitly explain to women what you talk about. Okay, See, women will share their feelings, and guys will say, you know, I just feel blamed. And she says, but I'm only sharing my feelings. I just want to share my feelings. They have no awareness that it's like they've taken a machine gun out to this guy who will give his life for her and just shooting them down, mowing them down with a machine gun. And he shuts down. Because they think they don't know that they're blaming. They say, oh, I'm just sharing my feelings. And all the relationship coaches and the therapists say, I'm supposed to share my feelings. No, you don't just share your feelings if your feelings are blaming him. He can't hear blame unless, I mean, there's a place where your love bank is so high in the relationship, his testosterone. He feels so successful in the relationship. Because I encourage my wife, I say, honey, anytime you want to complain to me, go ahead. Her only complaint for me, my only complaint is, you're just too good. I was just watching my show. I do my shows on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Today's Tuesday, so. On YouTube and. YouTube? No. What is it? Yeah, YouTube. And so I'm sitting there watching. I like to watch my show to correct myself, improve myself, see where I could have done better, whatever. And I really enjoy listening to my talks. I'm so uplifting, even for me. I listen to myself and go, wow. I said that because I'm just channeling this stuff. I'm channeling nobody else. I'm channeling. I'm just channeling me. But it's me without restriction. So here I am watching myself, and she told me on my walk today, she says, you know, John, I can't sit down and watch you on the screen because you're too good. It makes me feel low. It makes me feel down. So I can be with you together because we're together. But when I see how great you are, I. I feel less than. And then I want to complain. See, she's very transparent, which is why I love her. She reveals everything to me because she feels safe. She says, then I want to complain to you and push you down. And this is all women are doing to a certain extent when they complain to you. They just want.

[Dave Asprey]

Is it an envy thing or some other thing?

[John Gray]

Inadequacy. Every woman's insecure. I mean, when you can do every woman. Every woman's insecure, you have to understand. And every man deep inside feels inadequate. When you see numbers, when you see how many thousands of people. When we read our books, why does it make us feel so good? Okay, the bigger the number. What? I just watched Queen when he did Live aid, that movie, 18 billion. Listen, people, listen. I saw that crowd, and I could identify. I'm just feeling so jazzed. So much energy that they must have felt at that time. You love it when there's a big audience and you're confident. You know you're giving them something. All that energy comes to you. Why do you feel so good? Because it makes you feel more successful. And why do you need to feel more successful? Because there's a part of you that doesn't feel that successful. And we would call that feeling inadequate so deep, deep inside. And we all have it from childhood because we were punished. When you're punished as a child, you end up feeling like it's punishment. It's the stupidest thing, because when you get punished. I watched my wife when we. When I married Bonnie, of 34 years. Now I'm remarried, but with Bonnie. She had two little children when I first married her. And these kids would get out of control, and she'd yell and scream, and then they would be punished. And then after a certain amount of time, they can come out and they're loved. So I watched it. It's like the parent was, you should be punished. And now if you suffer enough, then you should. You're worthy of love. We should not have to suffer to be worthy of love. And so we want to punish our partners. Okay. So it's like this whole punishment thing we get into, it's all just due to abusive childhood because people do not know how to manage children with punishment. I was never punished. That's how I know this.

[Dave Asprey]

I've never thought, you know, it. Okay, well, how does that relate to the whole BDSM thing? That seems like it's on the upswing.

[John Gray]

Oh, that's all. Just trying to relive your childhood in a safe way. Okay, I'm being punished, but I'm safe at the same time. See, the whole idea. One of my techniques in this book, which everybody should read, there's an app that goes with it.

[Dave Asprey]

Tell me the title. It's Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus. For women only.

[John Gray]

And this subtitle is Be Happy with or Without a Man. It's the first in a series of six books for women only. The next one is why Men Fall in Love and Stay in Love. Every woman needs to know that. Why men fall in Love. They all fall out of love. I was counseling a woman, and she once, she's 60 years old, and she was complaining about her husband, and then she decided she's going to go talk to her other friends, and she said, they're all that way. All my friends, 60 years old are complaining about Their husbands and I go, this is because they do not understand men. If you just understand men, men will fall in love again and again and again. But we don't stay in love. So let's cover that one. Although that was only the second in the series. But I'll talk about that. You have to read that book to get this. Is that you know about mirror neurons, right? Of course you know. You're a scientist. Not everybody knows. Let me just clarify it, which is we mirror neurons act a system that allows us to be happy when somebody's happy, to feel their pain, to feel empathy, to feel compassion. We. I can. I can put myself in your situation. Okay. And that's what charity for men. We can't do that. Really? That. Well. We're younger, but we look at our mirror neuron system. And this is all in this book too. Men's mirror neurons under moderate stress close down. I cannot feel anything. You feel. I don't feel any emotion. It's like no fear, no nothing. Under adrenaline. So what's adrenaline? Let me help people understand moderate stress versus high stress. Moderate stress is I'm driving my car 80 miles an hour. Speed limits, maybe 65. That's moderate stress. I could get a bad ticket for that. It's also danger. But I feel confident. I could die. But I feel confident. That's moderate stress. That's adrenaline. Adrenaline. Your life is not in danger. Other your life is in danger, but you're in control. You still feel in control as soon as those lights flash behind you. A policeman just saw you going 80 miles an hour. That's real danger in our mind. We set that up as real danger. Your hormones change instantly. That's cortisol in a man. What that would be is his testosterone just crashed. You're a loser. You can feel guilt and shame and your estrogen goes up. You're going to have a lot of fear or upset or defensiveness or anger. All those defenses are different according to our childhood and our temperament. But the hormones are the same. When a man is stressed, you have these different states. So on. The state of adrenaline. This is why we like adrenaline as men. Your testosterone shoots up and your estrogen goes down. This is spectacular. We want to be challenged or climbing a mountain. Why do these guys climb mountains? Because they have no fear. All their problems go away while they're challenging themselves in a dangerous situation. Bring that down to a littler level. That's just solving problems. Solving problems during the day, which is like right now, I'm making adrenaline. I want everybody to buy my book. Okay, So I don't want to flip up here. I want to, I want to buy my supplements, all that stuff. So I got to pace this, I got to say the right thing. That's testosterone. So I'm beaming. I'm like a 35 year old guy, you know, I'm at my peak right now. I've never measured my testosterone levels off the chart when I'm doing a show or in front of an audience. This just goes right up. Because you're confident. If you're not confident now, you go into cortisol. This is where people say they have fear of public speaking. That's cortisol. Anxiety. I have no anxiety. None. Zero. That's testosterone, that's adrenaline. As long as you stay in control of yourself, confident. I'm good enough. I make a difference. I don't have to be perfect. That's another big part of. Oh, I gave a whole big talk today on the power of forgiveness. If you can't forgive others for being imperfect, you can't forgive yourself. Because our trespasses, we forgive others. That's just the logic. You can only forgive yourself if you can forgive others. And part of why I love myself so much, I'm such a good forgiver because I don't demand perfection of myself. I know everybody is flawed. I know my wife is partially crazy. But I'll tell you something that you know and every man knows. The crazy ones are the best in bed.

[Dave Asprey]

No guy who's dated for a while will deny that. And you're saying it's just hormonal and you say crazy.

[John Gray]

I do that playfully.

[Dave Asprey]

I do that playfully, yeah. Lots of emotions and all that.

[John Gray]

Lots of emotion. Lots of emotion. Which a lot of men think is crazy. I don't see it from the woman's point of view of crazy. And then we have this thing in counseling which is very important and introduced this idea about when I talk about a little crazy. We have a thing called post traumatic stress disorder, right? Everybody knows that I'm in danger, I'm in war, I'm in a scary situation. What happens is all my emotions get repressed, they get knocked down because I'm in danger. I can't let fear control me. So it pushes down. Now when I come back into safety, those emotions come up. Well, when do you feel most safe is when you can be naked with somebody. So what happens is that when you're having sex, you have a marriage, your partner, you feel safe, your stuff will always come up. That's why I Said, when a woman can really have many, many orgasms, go deep, all of her insecurities from childhood would come up and, you know, and most women are not going to talk about it. I have a whole thing. You have to talk about this stuff, but never blame your partner. You can't share your feelings about what's going on. If your partner is making you feel hurt, you talk to your therapist. You talk to your coach. You do one of the techniques in here, which is learning how to process your emotions. Or you use the app. It's at. It's called app. Is called Mars Venus Heart Space app. And it will guide you through a process that you'll be like in therapy with me. Because what I do with women is they come in and they complain. I get enough information about why they feel like a victim, and then I know exactly what their emotions are. See, women don't know what their emotions are. They can't articulate that. I'm feeling sad about this. I'm feeling angry about this. I'm scared.

[Dave Asprey]

Is that true of all. Of all women? Like, I know some would seem more emotionally aware than others.

[John Gray]

Well, no. They'll be aware of one. They'll be aware of one. They tend to stay stuck with one. There's four. Anytime you're experiencing a stress hormone, you're experiencing four hormones, four emotions. They're always there. So what you do as a good therapist is you help them discover what other emotions like, if you're angry, you're also afraid. If you're sad, you're also feeling guilty. If you're feeling guilty, you're also sad. If you're afraid, suppressed inside of you is anger.

[Dave Asprey]

Wow. So I'm sitting here at 40 years of Zen, my neuroscience company. It takes five days. We teach people to do forgiveness using an EEG. We're measuring their brainwave. So, no, you said you forgave and you didn't because we can see your brain. And we're going to guide you into this state. And we teach something called the emotional hierarchy. It's in my last book. And we have a lot of people who buy both of our books together on Amazon. And exactly what you just said is true, and it's empirically true using direct measurement that I have done. Anyone is, you know, I'm sad. No, you're afraid. It's always fear at the end of the day, right?

[John Gray]

I'll tell you, if you go even deeper, it's always guilt and shame. If you have no guilt and shame. See, I'm shameless. I Am an innocent. My wife used to save Johnson. Innocent. He forgives himself because he never means anything. He's always doing his best. If you have no shame, nothing upsets you. It's always a defense against being seen as not good enough. But fear is also behind all the sadness and the anger, without a doubt. And it's not always in that order, but you hit it right. What did you call it? The emotional.

[Dave Asprey]

What we call it the emotional hierarchy. And it's kind of like Russian nesting dolls. You know, you get to the middle, you're going to get to fear. And guilt and shame are always in there and behind them, I would argue. Well, guilt and shame evolve because, well, you're going to get ostracized, you get kicked out of the tribe and then a tiger is going to eat you. Right. So they're protective. Yeah.

[John Gray]

So underneath all of that, those are your basic four levels that I work with. And actually there's 12, but depending upon prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain are the instinctive. The instinctive is shame and it's being scared. Life and death stuff down here, this is just emotional and this is more like frustration or disappointment, more intellectual emotions. But underneath that it's very important to process. Is then to ask yourself, what am I wanting? And write out what you want. You know, when you start just even writing out what you want, over and over you say, I want to go to Paris, I want to go somewhere else, I want out of this relationship, I want to feel loved, I want to be happy, I want to love my partner, I want my partner to love me. Desire is self purifying, particularly if you've just looked at what you don't want. All negative emotions have that reaction to what I'm resisting, what I don't want. All you have to do is be aware of that. Then you can easily become aware of what you do want. And then as you start to feel what you do want, it's self purifying. And then insight and understanding comes to you. Gratitude comes to you. All you have to do is start focusing on what I do want and realize I have so much of what I want. What am I complaining about when I'm so lucky to be in America, you know, and then what am I proud of? And then what I love. So there's always all this love underneath. And so that's part of the process. There's more to the process, but that's so what my app does. This is like 25 years in the making, back when you knew me in the early days, I tried this when Apple came out.

[Dave Asprey]

Yeah.

[John Gray]

To duplicate what I do as a therapist. Because what I do is I hear women's complaints, or men's, but mainly with women, because they have more of suppressed emotion when I deal with them. I listen to their story, and then I tell them what they feel. I tell it to him right there. You're feeling this about this. And how do you know you miss mystery man? No, I understand emotions. I've done the work on myself. Now, should men do the work on themselves? They can. If a man is more on his female side, meaning you get upset all the time and you get depressed or you have anxiety or any of that, then you can use the app, too. But if you're kind of like cruising, like a lot of guys are, and the only thing they get upset about is, my wife's treating me like. Like that. She's complaining, and you get triggered by that. The first step I do with men is I teach them the strategies. If you understand where women are coming from, they're having post traumatic stress disorder all the time. They love you so much. Their stuff from childhood comes up and it gets projected onto you. That's one thing that can be the case. My wife just sees me on TV and she says, you're so great, you're so wise, you're so smart. I feel inadequate. I can't even sit next to you when that happens. I said, okay, well, we don't have to watch it together. And then she also says, you know, John, you're so powerful, so much of the time, I just need to complain about you to make me feel powerful. So that's what I learned. Women are always pushing men down. Why do you push a man down? Only because you want to have them at the same level with you. And that's a nice thing. If you just. I understand it. So what happens is men will say, she all the time complains. That's because you resist her complaints. If you resist her complaints, you have to just keep your mouth closed. Don't talk so much.

[Dave Asprey]

Okay, so practical boots on the ground advice for guys. So they're with their partner and she starts complaining about something. And if you just are quiet, isn't she just going to say, doing everything

[John Gray]

to say, yeah, she's going to say that.

[Dave Asprey]

What do you do?

[John Gray]

Just say what you say will help me understand that better. You don't talk.

[Dave Asprey]

Well, you've evolved, John. You usually say, tell me more is the secret answer, but help me understand that better.

[John Gray]

Help me understand that Better tell me more. What else? And you just sit there like a master of karate and you dodge everything. And the way I dodge everything, if I do not react, she's going to fall in love with me again. She can't hold on to negativity. See, women are embodiments of love. And when they go crazy, they stop loving. So all you have to do is let them talk for a while. Their estrogen levels go up. See, I understand the plumbing of women really well. If you don't make them wrong, you let the emotions come up and you understand. It's not like I'm judging her for being crazy. And anytime post traumatic stress, is that sanity? No, that's crazy. But we understand it. We understand this is old stuff coming up even if she doesn't admit to it. I don't care about that. Just let her talk for a while. Don't react to it. And know on the other side of the rainbow is a pot of gold. It's there. You get a badge of honor if you don't react.

[Dave Asprey]

So when the talking, talking, talking is happening, are you, like, doing equations in your head, like writing the next book? Like, are you actively listening or are you just appearing to listen while doing things that are worth time?

[John Gray]

Tell you why? See, most men, the reason you think that is because you do that. Okay, No, I. You don't.

[Dave Asprey]

I probably don't even do that. I probably engage and just be like, you have the conversation about the feeling. It's an endless circle.

[John Gray]

Let me explain what I used to do. I don't do it anymore. And then I'll tell you what I do now, what I used to do when she's complaining. I'd be analyzing that she's overreacting. That's foolish. I didn't do that. She's wrong. Basically, she's overreacting. Now I say, oh, she's overreacting. It's going to pass soon. It's just a different interpretation of overreaction. I think it's like, great, get her to express her emotions, her stress will go down and she'll feel grateful for me and she'll fall in love with me again. It's how I interpret that overreaction. So that's the way I will be interpreting. But here's another thing to it. I don't feel I have to respond to her in any way. So you were kind of saying, well, they say to you, well, what are you feeling? What's going on? My biggest message to women is never ask a man what he's feeling, nor ask him what's wrong. These are huge mistakes women make. I'll get into it more, but I want to answer your question right away. When she's complaining, okay? Now, if I get angry or complain back, I'm thinking. I'm thinking in my head why she's wrong or why she's over it. If I'm thinking anything about her and how I'm going to respond to her, that's called how I'm going to solve her problem. Now, my original book, say, man, don't you have to solve her problem? Just listen, okay? In your brain, what you do is you don't have to solve her problem. So I don't think I have to solve her problem. But I do think, what is the real solution to her problem? The real solution to why she's not feeling so loving and at peace and calm is because her estrogen levels need to go up. So how can I solve that problem to raise her estrogen levels? Say nothing and try to understand where she's coming from. And while I'm trying to understand where she's coming from, the old Indian phrase of walk a mile and they're moccasins. I just do my best to understand. But as I'm hearing her, I hear. What I hear is she's frustrated, she's disappointed, and she's scared, and she's feeling bad, and she's feeling she needs to feel powerless. She's wanting to push me down. And so I kind of just love her like a child at that moment. I don't take it personally. That's the whole key of adulthood and wisdom is, you know, if 50 people leave my seminar, they're not supposed to be in my seminar or I went too long and we need a bathroom break. You know, it's not about me, but I will always look at feedback. I kind of, you know, I make mistakes. Sometimes people hate me. I kind of go, why did they hate me? You know, I'm such a nice guy. I always wondered why people would write books about me as a bad guy. There's books called the Myth of Mars, Venus. There's people been chopping.

[Dave Asprey]

I do it to make money, John. As soon as I write any book, there's always some troll who's like, I'm gonna make money by being the counterpoint.

[John Gray]

That's right.

[Dave Asprey]

If only they had something useful in the counterpoints. I'd. I'd. I'd promote the book. I don't. I don't care what you think.

[John Gray]

You know, on my. On my YouTube thing, I have these friends. I don't know who they are, but people say bad stuff about me. And I know there's one guy's always saying, you're full of it. You don't know what you're talking. It's like all these battles are going on. People will defend you. I don't have to do it. I just put out my message, my truth, appropriate to the situation as best I can.

[Dave Asprey]

You know what I found works really, really well for the trolls is, number one. I recognize they were all bullied in early elementary school, and they're just acting that out again. So then I usually just go, well, what would I say in fifth grade? And it's, that's not what your mom said.

[John Gray]

I'm doing exactly what I do with my wife. It's understanding where they're coming from and forgiving them. I don't have to do anything about it.

[Dave Asprey]

You can tease them a little bit. I mean, I always. I go in there to the trolls. That's not what your mom said. Then they blow up even more. And I'm like, right. You know, I don't know if that says something dark about me, but it makes me laugh. But I haven't gotten that, you know, in relationship.

[John Gray]

It's harder in relationship relationships. It activates your inner child, it activates your past. That's why everybody's trying to say, be in present time. I was giving a whole talk on it today, and some guy says, what you're saying is that every step of growing in love means something has to come up to make you feel uncomfortable, to move through it. I go, yeah, that's right. Well, then maybe we should just not find love. I say, yeah, and stay stagnant. Every time somebody gets inspired by you and they say, I'm going to go on a diet. I'm going to eat this or I'm going to do that. That means I'm loving myself more. I'm feeling safer, I feel worthy of more. And as you feel worthy of more, anything inside of you that says, I'm not worthy of more will tend to come up. And if you're in a relationship where you're having sex, what will happen is, is particularly for women, this is a phenomenon for them because they have 10 times more estrogen and they have more emotion. Let me finish that other point on hormones. When a man experiences adrenaline, his testosterone goes up, his estrogen goes down, okay? I have no emotion. I'm free. You know, give me some challenge to do. I go, through it. When a woman experiences adrenaline, she will experience three times more blood flow to the limbic system of the brain, to the emotional part of her brain. She went, three times more emotion than you. This is like biology. Now, when women are on their male side, they automatically suppress those emotions because they're not appropriate in the workplace to be having all these emotions. When you're down in the Amazon, where women aren't doing male jobs, they're doing female jobs, they're all like, chattering and upset and they'd say their things. They're expressing a lot of emotion, and they don't have any sort of having to suppress. You can't be that feminine self when you're in the workplace. So that gets suppressed. Now, for we men, we don't have those emotions in the workplace. We're just making adrenaline. We're not suppressing emotion. Women are always saying, oh, he's suppressing his emotion. You got suppressed. No, he doesn't. He may have it from childhood, a long time ago, because when we're little boys, we have a lot of estrogen, but at puberty, we become 20 times more testosterone than we were as little children. So everything gets completely shifted around. So we do have trauma from the early years, which will come up in relationships. And if and when it comes up, you can also use my app to learn how to process this. What you do in the. In the Zen course, which is. And what's cool about what you just said is you got the. You can see the brain, you know, they can't lie to you. And that's what I am when I'm in my sessions. I know what's inside, inside of women. I know how they're denying it and suppressing it. And by telling them what they're feeling. You know, I see all these women say, don't tell me what to feel. None of my clients, they pay me to tell them what they're feeling. And now you make $5 for an app that will do it better than me. It actually does it better than me because it's an algorithm. It took me 20 years to write this thing, and now finally, the AI adding to it has helped. So I've done it.

[Dave Asprey]

Isn't a part of women sitting down and talking for long periods of time? Isn't there a co regulation and oxytocin raising that happens not just from talking, but from talking with another trusted friend or it doesn't matter.

[John Gray]

When you talk and somebody relates to what you're feeling, they're bas basically saying, yes, yes, yes, I'm there, I'm there, I'm there. How can I as a man with a completely different hormone system go, yes, yes, yes. Because she's going to react under moderate stress with emotion. And under moderate stress, I'm going to react with less emotion. So there's no way I can actually be her in that moment. Stop expecting men to relate to you the way another girl would.

[Dave Asprey]

But couldn't her girlfriend go do that? She sits with her girlfriend's like, no, no, no. And like they do their thing and then she comes back to you like, is it healthier to use another human or use.

[John Gray]

In this book, I explained to women why you need girlfriends, okay? Girlfriends support one thing and if you don't have girlfriends where you can, you can share and experience the same kind of thing, you're going to expect a man to be your girlfriend. You're going to expect him to be, oh, and the self help and want to go to yoga classes with you and want to meditate with you. Now some men want to do that, but some men don't. They don't have to be like personal growth. Personal growth. By the way, is your female side okay? I want to improve myself. Men want to solve the outer world. Men want to solve problems. Now, as a man, I guess you

[Dave Asprey]

and I are pretty feminine. I'm pretty into that person.

[John Gray]

We go around like a girl all the time. Okay, it's like, I know that's why you're so proud of that muscle. Okay, I am a man. I am a man. I'm a superman. I'm an alpha man.

[Dave Asprey]

No, I don't deny it a little bit. I have a lot of feelings.

[John Gray]

But you like a little S and M. You want her on top sometimes. That's perfectly. You're going to your female side, let her be male. You come back to your male side. I want my female side. That's ecstasy is when you're female and you're masculine are at their peak. That's what we're looking for, is union.

[Dave Asprey]

That's what I'm, I've had women ask me to teach them to have orgasms the way I do. So yeah, I like that part of my female side. I'm not going to complain.

[John Gray]

Yeah, you're multi orgasmic.

[Dave Asprey]

It lets you access pleasure and it lets you access healing. Healing states that if you're an alpha male only you can't do. So. Yeah, I can bring on alpha male and I can bring on alpha female if I want to. Like the polarity though, is that like an inborn thing? Or is that something that's learned?

[John Gray]

No, something you've cultured? Every man can culture. It takes wisdom. Used to be really overweight. Okay, that's way female side. Totally on your female side.

[Dave Asprey]

Lots of estrogen coming from all that fat.

[John Gray]

Yeah, that's right. So you're way on your female side. So you found your balance. I grew up my estrogen, I was the same way, but different. And that I bonded with my mother. I'm the fifth boy and by the time I come along, a mother wanted a girl. Okay, Wouldn't you want a girl? So part of me sort of connected more on the feminine side. I'm more sensitive and all that. So my soul guided me. I became a celibate monk for nine years in order to find my masculine side. I. You know, to be celibate is discipline. I teach men. If you really want to, you want to get your testosterone up, stop masturbating, stop doing porn, get away from it. It's death to you that discipline. Consider conserving your energy. That takes this. Anything which is discipline is going to produce testosterone. So I used to fast. I'd sleep on the floor sometimes, meditate long hours, deprive myself.

[Dave Asprey]

Me too. All of it, all that.

[John Gray]

You did the same thing. So that built up our masculine side. So we became self realized as men. I know my male side. Knowing my male side, I can now let my female side come back up. And as it comes back up, I become an ecstatic. Everything becomes love. Everything becomes beautiful. Every, your divine purpose unfolds through you because you're having both those things together. And then your childhood stuff comes up. Now in the monk world, what we call that is your dark night of the soul. Once you find God, everything is God. Everything. God breathes through everything. It's all the same stuff. Now everything is beautiful. Then you feel safe. Your stuff from childhood comes up. And that's where I learned how to get through the dark night of the soul. By processing emotions. Emotions come up. So not all men are going through the dark night of the soul. They just need to help the woman go through the dark night of the soul. All women, when they get married, go through the dark night of the soul. Because their stuff will come up. It's inevitable. It will just and way it comes up is because they can't. Here's what my wife said to me today. It was so interesting. We were analyzing why she couldn't watch me on tv and she says, you know, I can't watch you on tv. Because I start to feel less than you. And then I start finding within myself I want to complain about you. And then I realize, because I feel safe with you, that I can look at myself wanting to complain you and realize I'm just afraid you won't love me. I'm afraid you'll leave me. I'm afraid you'll see me as not enough. Because you're so great. That's why women can't build men up. They want to tear down our statues because they don't realize that when you build a man up, he kneels before you, he surrenders himself to you, he gives his life to you. This is what masculinity is about. You've got to. Somebody asked me today in the talk. He said, well, what's the difference between resentment for men and resentment for women? Resentment for men is all, I did my job and nobody paid me. That's it. Yeah.

[Dave Asprey]

The injustice of it. Yep.

[John Gray]

Yeah. It's at the injustice. That's all resentment is for men. For women, resentment is. I'm not feeling loved, I'm not feeling supported. I'm doing this for him. I do this for him. He doesn't love me back. He's not doing this for me. He didn't do. And their brain goes into comparing all the time. And then they get older and then they start saying, well, that couple is not happening and that couple is not happening. Those men are not like that. You're not like that. And then they go on social media where everybody's faking it. Nobody knows that all these problems are existing. And they just think everybody that looks good is having a good time. They don't realize they're all suffering inside and we can learn to heal that. And a big part of. Is what you do is telling people all the nutritional supplementation I'm going to throw in here for a moment. My favorite one, if I can, is the one I manufacture. It is the best advanced design of lithium orotate. It's called.

[Dave Asprey]

I knew you were going to say that. I just mentioned that on another show. Lithium orotate is so important. Okay, tell me more.

[John Gray]

Yeah, okay, well, what I was, first of all, lithium orotate. I've been promoting it. I'm the biggest promoter of it for 25 years. Okay. It used to be on Wikipedia.

[Dave Asprey]

Taught me about it, actually.

[John Gray]

What is that?

[Dave Asprey]

Like, for 15 years, I've been talking about. It's in my longevity book. But it could have been one of your books that taught me about it. It wouldn't surprise me. So thank You.

[John Gray]

It was back in the day when we used to do those places. You know, it was my main thing because I'm all about hormonal balance. And back then I was more about dopamine, serotonin balance. And from my experience, what lithium does is it balances dopamine and serotonin. And what do we live in a world we're like dopamine America. We're all getting high on dopamine all the time. And so when you're getting high on dopamine, your brain uses up the. The use it up a lot of stuff, but it uses up particularly lithium, because normally lithium would keep your dopamine from going too high. It blocks it from going too high. That's what you see with the bipolar, which is where lithium carbonate was used to keep the bipolar people from going too high. Because when you go too high, your dopamine receptor sites close down. And now dopamine can't affect you. And that's the basis of all addiction. It's the basis of addiction to climax, which is why you can. I can have many, many orgasms without squirting because those guys can't handle. They just can't handle that high dopamine stimulation. We're able to keep it at a regular level. Oh, and by the way. Anyway, so we got the, the lithium. I think everybody needs it in our society, plus a lot of other stuff. But it's what's missing because the pharmaceutical industry keeps telling people it's bad, bad, you have to do bad side effects.

[Dave Asprey]

You know what's cool, John, do you know the history of 7Up?

[John Gray]

Yes, it was lithium. Yeah, lithium water.

[Dave Asprey]

7Up had lithium. That was the up part of it. And they took it out around 1948. And so now it's a sugar water.

[John Gray]

But it used to be lithium will balance your dopamine and serotonin. It would also balance the coke that you got, the cocaine that you got in Coca Cola.

[Dave Asprey]

So if we go back in time, you have some Coca Cola full of cocaine, like I'm really. And then you have some 7Up, which gives you the lithium to chill out. So these were kind of medical drinks. And today we're doing ketamine and psilocybin instead. I guess similar kind of thing.

[John Gray]

I just had a client who was doing mushrooms. I got a contract high on mushrooms. I used to do mushrooms. I don't do anything. I don't want to change any state of. I'm so high from my practice. You know, I am a 50 year meditator so I've got 50 years of Zen. I know you give it to people in a. In a weekend, which is great, but it's much different when you actually have done it for 50 years. There's, it's a, A lot of lessons come along with raising that consciousness up. And I would love to come sometime. And Zen, have you guys look at my brain because I can go in a breathless state for 10 hours. It's deep samadhi, just like that. And wow, it's very, very cool. We could see what my brain's doing when I don't breathe. So back off. Back to lithium orotate. So lithium orotate helps balance your dopamine and serotonin in your brain. That helps to balance your testosterone, your estrogen, so that you're getting. This is all a balanced system now. I was giving a talk at UCLA and some professor just was dying. He couldn't even sit in his chair. He was so upset with what I was saying. He was saying that hormones don't determine your brain. I said, no, your brain determines your hormones. Your hormones affect your brain. He says, no, hormones don't affect your brain. I say, have you ever been with a woman on her period? Like, what are you, some idiot or something? It's just like, crazy person. Of course hormones affect our thinking, and we know that. That's just a fun example. But I've got all the research in this new book, which is for women only. And that's what's different about this from my other ones. I got all the references on it. I'm a lazy writer. I don't want to depend on other people for ideas. But I used chat to find the research for me that would back up so many of my ideas. Oh, gosh, it's so helpful.

[Dave Asprey]

It has completely changed writing. I probably would spend 80% of my writing time on the research and reading all the papers, just finding them. And it's just so much easier to find it. You can still have the original ideas, but, yeah, I don't write my books with that, but I do the research faster than ever before. Patents that way. Yeah, it's great.

[John Gray]

So coming back to, you know, so there's the lithium orotate, which is so important, and there's other thing. And I know you're really big on the peptides and everything, and I've ordered them and taken some peptides. Again, I don't want to mess with all that stuff when I'm. I'm not you. Okay. But I have my own thing. It's. It's love, okay. And women and making love and being a good healthy parent and children. I think these are the, and good diet. I don't eat that much also just one meal a day. I think that's also real, really important for my energy level. Only have sugar on at a really exclusive restaurant where the dessert is fantastic. I have no problem with that. None at all. I just, I weigh my desserts because they're not good for me. So. But so my thing about peptides is that. And I started this back when I was healing my, my brain, okay. Because that early stage Parkinson's. And what I did is I analyzed what my brain needed to heal was I was. When you're in any altered state, you're not digesting your proteins. So I needed to make a pre digested protein. And I finally figured out how you can do this. You can get casein protein and whey protein in the balance of mother's milk. Not see cow milk is 90% casein. So it's really hard to digest. We're not cows. But mother's milk we can. And it helps the brain. It's how we build the brain. And also with that lithium, Lithium orotate, Orionic acid is what's in mother's milk. So you're actually getting lithium bonded with mother's milk. When you take lithium orotate and when you take cow milk, if you take non heat processed, okay, almost raw, they do a little bit of heat, so low heat processed dairy. And you bring, you balance the casein with the whey and it has to be grass fed undenatured. Once you get the right protein balance, then you add to it two of the major protein enzymes. Protease. There's two basic kinds of protease. You put the protease in the mixture. You take that mixture room temperature at 101 degrees. You take the water at 101 degrees, a little bit more in your body temperature, that activates the enzymes. You now let it sit for 45 minutes. It will completely bubble up, bubble up, bubble up. And then what happens is you add ice and whatever else you want to it and then you have a delicious shake. When that was tested by a Swiss laboratory, what they found is that with normal proteins you're pretty much assimilating about 30% if it's a good steak. If it's a vegetarian protein, maybe 10%. If you're some other protein shake, maybe you're getting 20% with this process. After the 20, after the, the 45 minutes, 93% protein assimilation. And that's. You prove that by the measuring the breath, the nitrogen and the breath. So your body's utilizing almost all the protein. It's literally breaking down those proteins into peptides. So then your brain, if you're not stressed, can use those peptides in any way you need to be anti aging. Now, if you're stressed, I won't say you get that benefit. But by getting the pre digested proteins, your brain can make more dopamine, serotonin, and lower your stress. So now your brain can use those peptides to heal your body. And I'm Gonna Live to132. I know you're gonna outdo me, but we'll see. We'll see.

[Dave Asprey]

You know, I like 132. Now, this mix of protein, can you buy this?

[John Gray]

Yes, if you go to my website, nobody sells it but me. And you can go to my website and you sharearsvenus.com and we don't just send it out. You have to talk to one of our coaches to explain how to use it. So that's okay. Wow.

[Dave Asprey]

I completely believe that. I've experimented for years with the type of protein mattering a lot. And I take digestive enzymes with every meal. Because you can digest it in the gut too.

[John Gray]

No, no, no. I'm telling you, if you pre digest it outside the gut because you have all the other stuff going on here, it will literally bubble up. It's like a little scientific experiment. And they found four.

[Dave Asprey]

I believe you.

[John Gray]

Okay, all right.

[Dave Asprey]

Yeah. I'm just saying, like there's times when you're at a restaurant, if I eat a steak, I'm taking enzymes with it. It doesn't matter what I mean. I take enzymes so I can make full use of it.

[John Gray]

That's right, that's right, that's right.

[Dave Asprey]

Yeah. And you can also buy hydrolyzed or pre digested forms of these proteins as well that probably don't work as well as the.

[John Gray]

I don't think so. I've tried those. I didn't get the same benefit. Literally. See for me, and when it comes to sex as well, when you're a yogi and you have advanced consciousness and you've been meditating, you have this expanded constance. See, part of why I rarely squirt in sex is because particularly when I was single and I was squirting with women I didn't really love, I would lose almost all of that and it would take a while for me to build up that consciousness. I think semen is a real big part of it for men is sustaining that. I think women just have to have a right balance of estrogen and serotonin and all that.

[Dave Asprey]

It's true. I've been talking about semen retention for the last decade. I've written about it in two of the books I published. Data on happiness and prolactin levels. 99% of people, when you say don't squirt, they hear you say that you don't have an orgasm.

[John Gray]

I don't have orgasms. Plenty of them. Yeah.

[Dave Asprey]

Over and over and all the different kinds of them. But it is a hard thing to learn. It took me about a year of focused effort on that, and it's in one of the books, and the difference in mental clarity and focus. And I've talked to Uber drivers and just mentioned this, and they're like, all right, I'm giving up porn. I'm going to do it. And I'll get a message on Social like, oh, my God, I started a company or another guy. I got a $30,000 raise. It really changes your neurotransmitters and it makes you a better lover because you could be way more plugged in. And I don't know, maybe that's the feminine side that we talked about, but. Well, I can't feel what's going on in there. Like.

[John Gray]

Yeah, one thing, I want to say this. I don't want to go into the whole technique. You've got it in a book. I also teach it. But the. The teaching it to you for a long time now.

[Dave Asprey]

You've definitely given me some good advice. Yeah, the thing about relaxing your butthole, that's in there, that's familiar.

[John Gray]

Here's the big technique. The most important, whether you're squirting or not, the key is, is when I had. When I squirted without a woman I was in love with, my energy would be depleted. But if I squirted with a woman I'm in love with, that huge energy was not depleted.

[Dave Asprey]

And when I don't, unless there's a kid as a result, then your energy gets depleted because you gotta, like, raise.

[John Gray]

But for people that don't have that higher consciousness, they're squirting, they don't even know they're losing anything because they're walking around empty all the time. So, you know, it just depends who you are, where you'll notice it. But all those no fab kids online are now just saying they give up masturbation, they give up porn, their life changes. It's just dramatic. And you can get to the higher level where you can learn the really art of multi orgasmic. But back to this whole idea of I want to finish on the, on the mirror neurons. When do men see if my wife says to me, if she's talking now, see, I already do. I'd say this to myself, but women can learn to just say this to a man. She can say, I'm going to share with you a bunch of complaints. You can say, there are a bunch of my feelings about things that are bothering me that have nothing to do with changing you. Then you don't have to defend. You don't have any adrenaline being produced. But you hear a problem. She says, I have a need. I just need you to listen and you don't have to say anything. And it's not about trying to change you. I just need to share what's going on in my life other than you see, women have to get that all your problems are not your husband, it's your life. You suppress your feelings about your life and that according to psychology will get projected onto yourself. You'll feel not good enough. You have a bad hair day or you put it on your partner because you're not processing the feelings in your outer life. The indigenous woman is processing them all the time. So she's not projecting on her husband. She wouldn't dare complain about her husband because there's nothing to complain about because she's so grateful she's got a man at home. This is why relationships could work. This is the basis of civilization. It's women loving men, men providing for women, women getting their stress out talking to other women because they need to keep their estrogen up. Talking when you're feeling stressed for women raises estrogen, which lowers her stress. So what goes on is when a woman is experiencing just adrenaline, she will have a surge, she will have a drop. I'm sorry, men have a drop in estrogen, we disconnect from emotion temporarily. Women have an increase in emotion temporarily. And if she can talk about those emotions, her estrogen will go up, her testosterone will come back down in balance where she doesn't have to solve anything. So it literally means she has to ask him. I just need you to help me. See, the whole basis that I teach is what's missing today in the world is women have stopped believing and experiencing. They need help. Every woman throughout history needs help. That's the most feminine thing there are, is when you feel I need help. Then some women say, but I asked for help. I don't get it. How do you Ask for help. If you say you hurt me when you do this. If you complain to him and ask for help, it doesn't work. You're just blaming him. You're no longer making hero.

[Dave Asprey]

How should she ask for help?

[John Gray]

Oh, 100, the whole list of 50 ways in my book. But my wife could. A simple way. I come home, my wife just sits down next to me. She says, I need to talk. Would you listen to me? I say, sure, happy to do it. Stop the remote control. I just. And then there's a time limit we already have established. A Venus talk is where she only talks for 10 minutes. Imagine that, having your wife talk in only 10 minutes. Well, it's very easy to do if you feel. If you don't say anything. See, most guys, their wives will start talking. It will interrupt with a fix it or a solution. Then she has to start all over. See, it's like having the pattern here clear. We're doing a process. The process is I'll be the woman for a moment. You're the man. I'm going to say, I just had a stressful day today. I want to talk about it, please. You don't say anything. I just need to talk for 10 minutes. I'm going to feel so much better and I'm going to thank you and then just give me a hug, a good eight second hug and I'll feel happy. You communicate that to a man, Would you do that?

[Dave Asprey]

Yeah, absolutely.

[John Gray]

What man wouldn't do that? It's the simplest thing. Now here's another technique. Now this is a technique that can work if the man's already read the book very easily. But if a man doesn't read the book, you need a whole chapter on this technique in order how to communicate your need to a man. See, the whole thing is women don't know how to communicate it. They always do it with, you know, you should change or you haven't done this. They complain, they feel hurt, they feel unloved, they feel unsupported. Now that just pushes them away. Knocks his testosterone down. He loses his motivation, he loses his interest in you. He can't get it up with you because you've been complaining about him. That's the number one thing that knocks it down in men. Now there is another thing which I know our time is limited, so I want to be able to throw this in.

[Dave Asprey]

Keep going. Yeah.

[John Gray]

You have a thing where you've talked about in some of your shows, which I was really happy to hear. Not everybody knows about prolactin. Now what happens when you're in a committed relationship? I talk about in this book. When you're a committed relationship, your body will make five times more prolactin than if you're in a non committed relationship. Now, prolactin has all these really good benefits, but it's a razor edged sword. It also causes you to lose interest in sex. You know, you don't have this lust anymore, the lust which makes you want to go after another woman, whatever. You don't feel that lust. That's a super high dopamine thing. Prolactin will keep that there. God gives it that so that if you find a woman, see, ideally, women would not have sex with you in the old days unless you committed to her. And so you made a commitment relationship. You're devoted to her because you have sex and you're devoted with the woman. This is what they measure in married couples. They produce five times more prolactin. Now what that does is one of the major reasons why married couples lose their sexual attraction. But it's not designed to be that way. Because the way culture used to create our lives, which is that men would have super high testosterone because we were doing the dirty, difficult, dangerous stuff and women didn't have to do it. So women would have super high estrogen because they were so grateful that you were out there doing the dirty, dangerous stuff. And she didn't have to do that. She could do what she loved to do, which is raise her children, create a beautiful home, be with her friends. She had this life that women, you'll see in the Amazon. I've been down there. That's what women are doing their thing. Men are doing their thing. They're different worlds. They come together and at night they have great sex. They have great sex. You can go to around the huts, you can listen. They're all orgasmic. It's amazing. And I've done that. Okay, so this is their culture. And what it is, is I look at why I have so much prolactin. I mean, I'm bonded. My wife, I have no interest in another woman. I can't even get turned on by another woman. It's like my wife. Are you sure you're not turning on my. No, honey, all I want is you. You're the only one I want to be with. Wow. When a woman can hear that from a man. And it's true, that's prolactin. But I would have no sexual desire for her, except that my testosterone levels are so high and her estrogen Levels are so high. And that creates a magnetic polarity. We just lie in bed. I'm not even in the mood for sex. And I'm just lying in bed with this pretty girl, my wife. I call her pretty girl. She's old. We're lying in bed, two bodies, and I just start feeling this magnetism down below my waist. Just wanting to come close, wanting to come close. She feels that magnetism coming. It's amazing. She turns me on because she feels safe. Her estrogen so high, she credits me to raise her testosterone to raise her estrogen so high.

[Dave Asprey]

So without. Without that magnetism and the high testosterone, high estrogen, the prolactin would actually suppress erection.

[John Gray]

That's right.

[Dave Asprey]

Prolactin is what causes. Causes you to not be able to get it up again.

[John Gray]

That's right. You would not be able to get up with your wife, and you would not feel the need to get it up with it. You just feel content. There's so many couples, my friends, you know, I'm in the 70 age bracket. They haven't had sex in 20 years, 10 years, whatever. I don't have. What do I need that for? I don't care about that. Well, yeah, sex not appealing unless you've got a hard erection. Then suddenly you kind of go, wow, this feels really good. And this is like, you have to have a partner who wants. Who's turned on to you. A woman has to be turned on to you to turn you on.

[Dave Asprey]

I don't think you're going to make it to 132 if you're not having sex. It's one of the things that keeps your biology alive.

[John Gray]

No question about it. No question about it. It's the best thing in the world. And we have a relationship. Like with Mary to Bonnie. For 34 years, I would go away. And so I go talk to my audiences. And so my testosterone's up, I'm missing my wife. I come back and we'd have this great sex and everything. And then things sort of settle out for a while. I'm feeling very content, whatever. And then I get to go and teach another seminar. So I create that distance. This is the basic Mars Venus principle in Men Are for Mars. In all my books, try to explain to women that men desire you because they've been away from you. And then they have a. There's a distance, and that creates the attraction. I go somewhere else to raise my testosterone. I go with her in order to raise my estrogen. And here's something I found out when I wrote this book that I didn't know before, which was that when men have erections, it's because their estrogen levels are rising. So now you have the explanation of a psychopath. A psychopath doesn't have estrogen. That's why they have no heart, no feeling. They just decide to create wars and everything without thinking about everybody. It's a psychopath that's so that they have no estrogen.

[Dave Asprey]

It's so fascinating, Johnny, I love the way you think about these things.

[John Gray]

Yeah, so. So the. The bottom line here is now that doesn't mean if a man. And they don't have erections, by the way, I don't know if you know that, but psychopaths can't get erections unless they're hurting someone. Yeah, they don't get erections unless they're hurting someone.

[Dave Asprey]

Dark. Wow.

[John Gray]

Yeah, it's very dark. I have a whole understanding of dark. I don't like to talk about it. You know, when you talk about it, it's like saying the name, it comes into your life.

[Dave Asprey]

Yeah, exactly. I respect that too.

[John Gray]

Right. So I don't go too far there. But, you know, there is. You did talk S and M. And all that is, is just letting these feelings of surrender and all this. This issue of fear and dominance and being submissive, it's acting out a lot of childhood abuse in a safe environment. What we do by looking at the emotions is looking at the emotions and by not using them to change somebody. If you explore, listen to your emotions, not using them, then your brain goes, this is such a point when your brain has a negative emotion, but you're not needing to tell anybody, so you're not using it. Then your brain goes, well, then you must be safe. And then the body goes, all right, now you're safe. And the emotion can be transformed and allow you to go to a deeper level and a deeper level. So there's always this journey of you go higher, you have to go lower, and then you pick it up, you come higher. And all of us, you know, angels in this world, what we're doing is bringing light into the darkness. And sometimes people are born in the most dysfunctional families and they kind of go, well, what's my karma there? Is it? No. You had to absorb the negativity in order to transform it. Because when you're taking care of what's inside of you, you're doing the most for this world. That's the power. That's the gift we have. And the gift of relationships is they will always trigger that Stuff inside of you. And here's the inverse. You know, we had the inverse at the universities where kids are going, oh, I need to be in. I'm triggered by you. And so they blame you. When the whole point of understanding, being triggered is that this is my stuff. Thank you so much. This is God's, you know, for me, not against me idea. It's there to trigger us. And if you know how, then once you're triggered, to not act out on it, but to process it inside by exploring the emotions, coming back to what it is you truly want, and then feeling the gratitude and the happiness and the appreciation of your partner and so forth. So it's always a journey of up and down. And this is part of life. We don't want to resist it. And particularly for men, it's a journey of getting close to a woman and then pulling away. It's essential that men pull away, and so we connect with a woman. What's happening is our estrogen levels go really high. And for most men, because they squirt, their testosterone comes back down. Now, to rebuild their testosterone, they need distance. What makes testosterone, psychologically, what makes testosterone is success. That I did. Your success doesn't raise my testosterone. My success, it's independence. So when you feel confident and you're independent, a lot of things produce testosterone. Being decisive, discipline. I make a whole list of all these things that make testosterone and all the things that make love. Love. Our female side is love, happiness, joy, forgiveness, intimacy, sharing, openness, harmony. All of that's our female side. Well, our goal should be to have both. And women today are lost on their male side, and that just throws men's hormones out of balance. If you have sex with a woman who's on your. On her male side, you'll squirt right away. I mean, I'm a master of sex. But if I had sex with a woman who's on her male side, I'd squirt right away because I need a woman who can receive my energy. See what sex is. It's a union of souls. Like with my wife, if she's stressed, I'll last a few minutes like any other guy, you know, And I don't even want to have sex. I can already feel it. But when she is in the mood and she's open now, she can receive my energy. And that's the whole point of if your wife is stressed, how to lower her stress outside the bedroom, then inside the bedroom with good foreplay and good conversation. You know, some of the old books talk about woman's biggest sex organ is her ears. You know, she. She needs to hear sweet things from you. I love you. I will always love you. You're the only woman for me. That's a half, half the time I'm making love, I'm saying all kinds of nice stuff to her. Oh, today I went to the store, I bought this because I really love you so much. You have conversation that helps the energy also be up in your head and allows you to not just get lost in the pleasure. And one thing I like to say, if I have a chance to say, is that everybody focuses on how to stimulate more pleasure. Now. You have to know some of the skills. But as soon as I start to feel pleasure, my intention is to. Is to use that pleasure so I can feel more. See, men don't. Their mirror neurons are closed. They can't feel. But pleasure allows you to feel. And when you're feeling that, you direct your attention to what am I feeling about my partner and feel your love and then say loving things. And this is like feeling the love. It has to be. The point of sex is not just to get off. It's to open your heart and to become one and to feel more love towards your partner. So the point of pleasure is to feel more. And for men, it's when they feel more, that's when their mirror neurons open up. So the research shows that men's mirror neurons open up the most in sex. Okay, this is like, wow, under moderate stress, they're closed. So my wife is complaining instantly my mirror neurons close down. There's nothing I can do about it. Nothing she can do about it if she's blaming me. So that's why women get so upset. They feel like, I don't feel connected to you. You can't connect with a man if his mirror neurons close. So then when a woman is happy with you, his mirror neurons begin to open. Then when she feels more vulnerable and she can be naked with you and open her heart to you. This is biology. When she can do that, that's when men's mirror neurons open the most. So this is proven when women are naked in bed and you're having sex with her. That's when his mirror nons open. And this is like, wow. This is like the most esoteric thing I'll just take for a moment. So this is a time where I can open my mirror knots and receive her love. See, men can't receive love fully unless your mirror neurons are open. It doesn't land. Can't land unless Your mirror neurons are open. So now I'm feeling what she's feeling while she's being orgasmic, Loving me, adoring me, surrendering to me, trusting me, all that trust. Now I'm feeling trusted. Now I will feel more love for her. And as she, her mirror neurons are open, so now she feels my love for her more, so she can trust me more. Then I feel more trusted. My mirror nuns open, let in more love. And it's like, that's why you're making love. That's why we call it making love. You literally make more love. It recharges you, fills your love, your love bank, so to speak. And then when your partner's complaining about something, it's no big deal, Your husband ignores you. No big deal. He loved me. I know he loves me. See all this? We're all drained, spiritually, emotionally, because our stressed life. So we argue about petty things, and also we argue about petty things because we don't understand each other. Women today, their needs have changed. They're still women, but their needs are changed. Because historically, women didn't need men to come back to their female side. Culture made women, supported women being on their female side. Now our new culture pushes women to their male side. So what does a woman need from a man? Now she's making as much money as him, maybe more. So what does she need him for? And this is where we get into that thing. Need. So many enlightened people go, I don't need anybody. I don't need you can't feel love unless you feel need. When my mirror neurons open up and my wife is giving me a blast of surrender and trust to me, that's when I realize that's what I need most in life, is a woman who trusts me, who accepts me just as I am, isn't trying to change me, appreciates all that I can do for her. All those messages of trusting a man, accepting a man, appreciating a man, admiring a man, those messages of love knock his testosterone up. Likewise, when I am treating my wife in a certain way, the message I give her is that I care, that I respect, that I understand that I'm devoted. When a woman can get that from a man, that's what raises her estrogen. So we have all these little rituals we have to create. So in this book, promoting my book again, for women only, all these rituals, these skills that you can apply in your relationship to build up your love bank. And I know our time is ending up. So I just mentioned one final skill, which it's so good. It's the last chapter of the book, because the whole art is learning how to communicate this to your partner. But it's called the five finger ask. So what it is, is every day or every other day, my wife will put her hand up five fingers, which means she's going to ask me to do something for her that she could do for me. So it's not something I should do, it's something she should do for herself. Something she can do for herself. But she's going to raise her hand, say, five. I'm going to ask you to do something I could do for myself, but I'm going to ask you to do it. And it only takes two or three minutes. And if you do it right away, with enthusiasm, it's going to give me a big surge of estrogen and I'm going to be a happier woman. And when he does it, knowing it's going to give her a big surge of estrogen, and it will his testosterone have the energy to do it. Because the issue that women have is they live with men. And our tendency is to pull away, to focus on our work, to disconnect, to be in adrenaline state, to not have our mirror neurons reopened. Women have this thing. They feel that we're not available to them. And the biggest thing for women is the security of safety, that he is available to me. And when women don't understand men, they think, oh, he's not available to me. So he's either shut down or disconnected or whatever. And so when he's in that state, she's walking around all the time going, I can't ask for help. I don't want to bother him. I don't want to say this. I don't want to do that. And there's this feeling I'm not available. But all you have to do, if you have this little game you play, and I was inspired by this game from the Pink Panther.

[Dave Asprey]

You're such a master. And every time we get to talk, I'm like, man, you know something else about hormones and sex and biohacking. Like, you are truly a wizard and a master of the field. And I look forward to the next time we get to hang out or do another show.

[John Gray]

Always delight. And I'm gonna come to your conference. And I'll be speaking there too.

[Dave Asprey]

Oh, that's right. We gotta talk about that. So, guys, you wanna meet John? You want to see him on stage? He is absolutely amazing on stage. And it is May 27th to 29th. It's called the Beyond Conference or Beyond Biohacking conference. Go to BeyondConference.com and you'll see me there. You'll see John there and you'll learn this kind of stuff times 10. Thank you John, my friend.

[John Gray]

Thank you so much.

[Dave Asprey]

Buy John's book. See you next time on the Human Upgrade Podcast.

[Podcast Disclaimer Narrator]

A Human Upgrade, formerly Bulletproof Radio, was created and is hosted by Dave Asprey. The information contained in this podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended for the purposes of diagnosing, treating, curing, or preventing any disease. Before using any products referenced on the podcast, consult with your healthcare provider carefully read all labels and heed all directions and cautions that accompany the products. Information found or received through the podcast should not be used in place of a consultation or or advice from a healthcare provider. If you suspect you have a medical problem or should you have any healthcare questions, please promptly call or see your healthcare provider. This podcast, including Dave Asprey and the producers, disclaim responsibility for any possible adverse effects from the use of information contained herein. Opinions of guests are their own and this podcast does not endorse or accept responsibility for statements made by guests. This podcast does not make any representations or warranties about guest qualifications or credibility. This podcast may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products or services. Individuals on this podcast may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to herein. This podcast is owned by Bulletproof Media.