Podcast Summary: The Influencer Podcast Episode – The Hidden Costs of High Achievement: A Guide to High Functioning Codependency with Terri Cole

Introduction

In this compelling episode of The Influencer Podcast, host Julie Solomon welcomes back her esteemed guest, Terri Cole, a licensed psychotherapist and global relationship empowerment expert. Terri returns to discuss her groundbreaking book, Too Much: A Guide to Breakthrough the Cycle of High Functioning Codependency (HFC). The conversation delves deep into understanding HFC, its traits, underlying causes, personal impacts, and actionable strategies to overcome it. This episode is a must-listen for individuals striving to balance high achievement with personal well-being.

Defining High Functioning Codependency (HFC)

Terri Cole introduces the concept of High Functioning Codependency, expanding the traditional understanding of codependency to fit the modern, high-achieving individual. She explains that HFC is characterized by an excessive investment in others' feelings, outcomes, and circumstances, often at the expense of one's internal peace.

"My definition is that it is you being overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the circumstances, the relationships, the finances, the careers, all the things of the people in your life. But it's to the detriment of your own internal peace." (07:01)

Terri emphasizes that many high-achievers initially reject the label of codependency, believing their success and capability exempt them from such patterns. However, HFC manifests differently, often unnoticed by those entrenched in high productivity and responsibility.

Traits and Behaviors of HFC

Julie and Terri explore various traits and behaviors indicative of HFC, highlighting how these patterns disrupt personal and professional lives.

1. Feeling Responsible for Fixing Others' Problems

   Terri explains that individuals with HFC feel an overwhelming duty to resolve others' crises, often extending their responsibilities beyond healthy boundaries.

   "Feeling responsible to fix other people's problems. [...] your friend's crisis is literally not yours to fix." (16:06)

2. Giving Until It Hurts

   HFC individuals frequently go above and beyond without being asked, leading to overextension and eventual resentment.

   "Giving till it hurts, which a lot of times means going above and beyond, and a lot of times doing things no one has asked you to do." (16:06)

3. Auto-Advice Giving

   Often providing unsolicited advice stems from a compulsive need to be the solution, which can hinder genuine connection and intimacy.

   "Auto advice giving goes right up there with feeling responsible for fixing other people's problems." (18:11)

4. Always Jumping into Damage Control Mode

   Excelling in crisis situations can lead HFC individuals to subconsciously create or perpetuate crises to maintain their role as the fixer.

   "Always jumping into damage control mode because we are great in a crisis." (19:00)

5. Hyper-Independent

   Despite being great givers, HFC individuals struggle to accept help, leading to existential loneliness and blocked intimacy.

   "Hyper independence... can create a feeling of existential loneliness where we don't trust other people to show up for us." (20:55)

Personal Anecdotes and Stories

Terri shares poignant personal stories that illustrate the profound impact of HFC behaviors:

• Terri’s Sister’s Abusive Relationship

  Terri recounts her sister’s struggle in an abusive relationship and how Terri’s compulsive efforts to fix the situation only exacerbated her own distress and strained their relationship.

  "I do not feel better. So I say, I got to step away from this." (25:11)

• Julie’s Reflection on “Sex and the City”

  Julie draws parallels between Miranda from Sex and the City and HFC traits, highlighting the transformative power of surrendering control in relationships.

  "When you really start to learn these things, especially if you are one. It's like if you spot it, you got it." (32:36)

Costs and Impacts of HFC

The discussion delves into the significant costs associated with HFC, both personally and in relationships:

1. Burnout and Exhaustion

   Constantly managing others' needs leads to emotional and physical exhaustion, creating a "glass ceiling" that limits personal and professional growth.

   "You can only be so successful when you're bleeding that much bandwidth." (30:00)

2. Blocked Intimacy and Relationship Strain

   Overfunctioning disrupts genuine connections, making it difficult to experience true intimacy and vulnerability.

   "It really blocks intimacy... You do not like flailing. We want everything to be neat." (21:10)

3. Existential Loneliness

   The inability to trust others or accept help fosters a profound sense of loneliness, regardless of outward success.

   "HFCs have difficulty being vulnerable... it creates an HFCS, and I've seen it thousands of times, what I call the glass ceiling of our own making." (20:55)

Solutions and Recovery Strategies

Terri provides actionable strategies for overcoming HFC patterns, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and shifting mindset:

1. Setting Boundaries

   Learning to say no and establishing clear boundaries is crucial for reclaiming personal energy and reducing resentment.

   "You have to be the one who says hey, I've been doing a lot of thinking and you are right. I used to be willing to do all the laundry, but now I'm no longer willing to." (45:40)

2. Asking Empowering Questions

   Terri suggests two key questions to assess whether to take on a responsibility:

   • "Do I have the bandwidth to do this without becoming resentful?"
   • "Do I even want to do it?"

   "Do I have the bandwidth to do this without becoming resentful? And the second is do I even fucking want to do it?" (35:03)

3. Mindfulness and Emotional Self-Regulation

   Incorporating mindfulness practices helps HFC individuals pause and choose responses that align with their well-being rather than automatic reactions.

   "Emotional self-regulation... How do I tolerate this feeling that to me in the beginning felt intolerable." (37:00)

4. Delegating and Allowing Others to Solve Their Own Problems

   Empowering others to take responsibility fosters healthier relationships and personal growth for both parties.

   "Instead of centering yourself as the solution to the person's problem, you're believing in them." (35:03)

Tools and Resources Offered

Towards the end of the episode, Terri introduces practical tools to assist listeners in their journey to overcome HFC:

• HFC Starter Kit

  A comprehensive toolkit that includes meditations, exercises, and video content to help individuals begin breaking free from HFC behaviors.

  "You can get that@terricole.com HFC wherever you are, however long you've had this behavior, you're in the exact right place to change it now." (42:07)

• Boundary Setting Techniques

  Practical advice on how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in various aspects of life, including family dynamics and personal relationships.

  "We can still support people... but it's asking them first. It's changing your mind about who's in charge of what." (35:03)

Conclusion

This episode of The Influencer Podcast offers a profound exploration of High Functioning Codependency, its hidden costs, and transformative strategies to cultivate healthier relationships and personal well-being. Terri Cole’s insights, backed by her extensive experience and personal anecdotes, provide listeners with the understanding and tools necessary to break free from the cycles of overfunctioning. By setting boundaries, practicing mindfulness, and empowering others, individuals can reclaim their energy, enhance intimacy, and achieve a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Listeners are encouraged to explore Terri Cole’s book, Too Much, and access the accompanying HFC Starter Kit to further support their journey toward breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency.

Notable Quotes:

• "If you have a nine year old and your nine year old comes to you with a problem... tell me what happened and then tell me what you think you should do." – Terri Cole (15:27)

• "Being fully present in our lives... doesn't have to change everything." – Terri Cole (32:36)

• "You have to be okay with disappointing other people sometimes." – Terri Cole (35:03)

• "The most important part of the story, she got into recovery. She went back to school. She never was in another abusive relationship." – Terri Cole (28:24)

For more insights and tools discussed in this episode, visit terricole.com/HFCbook.com to access Terri Cole's resources.