The Messy, Beautiful Middle: Embracing Your Next Chapter

Summary

WOMAN OF INFLUENCE
Host: Julie Solomon
Guest: Alicia Oxy
Episode: The Messy, Beautiful Middle: Embracing Your Next Chapter
Date: October 29, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Julie Solomon welcomes longtime friend and fellow creator Alicia Oxy to discuss navigating the “messy middle” of life and career, embracing evolution, and stepping into one's next chapter—both personally and professionally. Together, they explore themes of identity realignment, success beyond metrics, processing change with grace, and the power (and pain) of outgrowing old patterns and relationships. The conversation is candid, soulful, and deeply insightful, offering real talk for high-achieving women redefining influence on their own terms.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lifelong Friendship, Evolution, and Rebranding

[00:51–03:46]

• Julie and Alicia reminisce about their 12-year friendship, tracing their journey from meeting at a chip bowl to sharing major life milestones.
• Julie talks about the intention behind relaunching the podcast as “Woman of Influence,” choosing to feature meaningful conversations with people who inspire her.
• Alicia reflects on her own itch to evolve and considers rebranding her own podcast after eight years, inspired by Julie’s boldness.

“As we get older, I think your circle gets much smaller, where you start to see the reflective points, the mirrors that you really need to evolve and grow.”
— Alicia [02:32]

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2. The “Itch” for Change & Navigating the Hallway

[03:43–04:58]

• Both describe the internal restlessness (“the itch”) that precedes personal and creative growth.
• Julie notes how boredom leads her into self-criticism, which evolves into creative inspiration.
• Alicia shares that her “itch” is often a sign her current container has outlived its usefulness.

“I’m in the hallway right now where I’m like, what door is opening? Because I’m shutting doors.”
— Alicia [03:50]

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3. Embracing the Valley: From Self-Critique to Curiosity

[05:06–08:13]

• Alicia discusses moving from self-criticism to conscious acceptance when creativity ebbs.
• She now welcomes periods of boredom or doubt (the “valley”), using them as opportunities for self-reflection rather than projecting dissatisfaction onto others.
• Stillness, journaling, and creating time away from daily responsibilities help her reconnect to herself and invite curiosity about what's next.

“In my new iteration of a woman in her 40s, I think I’ve welcomed the valley now... Before I used to project that out on to others...No, it’s me. It’s my container shifting.”
— Alicia [06:22]

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4. Redefining & Marking Success

[11:05–15:16]

• Alicia admits that until recently, she didn’t define success for herself, making it impossible to recognize when she’d achieved it.
• She’s now setting her own markers and intentions, celebrating both small and large accomplishments.
• True success, she realizes, is anchored in her experiences—not money or outward milestones.

“My 17 year old self had these dreams of, you know, being an actress, living in California, working with certain people...My success was written in experience.”
— Alicia [14:35]

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5. Creative Clarity and Desire

[15:16–18:09]

• Alicia intentionally seeks experiences that feel alive and collaborative (like working repeatedly with the same team), rather than chasing external validation.
• Setting specific yet soulful intentions (e.g., working with Ryan Murphy) gives her clarity, opens her to possibilities, and rekindles excitement.

“There’s something about working with the same director, writer, other actors...That’s why I want a series. I’m craving a creative, collaborative experience.”
— Alicia [16:13]

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6. Emotional Recovery, Vulnerability, and Boundaries

[18:10–29:23]

• Julie and Alicia delve into emotional recovery and the hard work of becoming more self-aware.
• Alicia recounts learning to process her emotions, identify patterns, and allow herself to feel—rather than dissociate or please others.
• She adopts boundaries and delayed responses to honor her feelings before reacting.

“Being fully me, I am an emotional being. I need to take time to sit with myself to see how I really feel about things...I can’t fully be me [if] I don’t know how to respond immediately in something because I have come to realize I’m a delayed responder.”
— Alicia [25:55]

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7. Grieving Growth and Outgrowing Relationships

[29:23–36:56]

• As she evolves, Alicia has grieved relationships that no longer fit—especially those where she played “vanilla” to please others.
• She stresses the importance of internal validation and letting go of the need to be witnessed or advised through every process.
• The ability to set boundaries and authentically be herself, even if it means losing relationships, is framed as a sign of true evolution.

“If you are becoming vanilla so that everybody can like and accept you, then you’re going to attract toppings and things that you might not actually even really care for.”
— Alicia [33:17]

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8. Family Patterns and Personal Accountability

[36:03–42:41]

• Alicia shares insights from her relationship with her father, realizing much of her adult behavior was about being accepted.
• She describes how cathartic it has been to send love, release expectations, and accept relationships as they are.

“A big part of the relationship I’m talking about is I was presenting to get that love and attention from my dad...He didn’t ever really fully know me, and that’s a sad thing. But that’s not his fault. That was how I was operating in that relationship.”
— Alicia [35:18]

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9. Embracing Self-Focus & Being Called “Selfish”

[43:51–44:54]

• Both discuss reclaiming “selfishness” as a necessary practice for growth and well-being, learning to let go of guilt about prioritizing themselves.
• Alicia celebrates being called selfish as a badge of honor, signifying her commitment to boundaries.

“I’ve been called selfish in the last couple of years...and you know what? It made me feel real good.”
— Alicia [44:06]

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10. Redefining Friendship and Community

[46:34–51:09]

• Alicia notes her friend circle has grown smaller but more intentional—surrounded by confident, solution-oriented women holding sacred space for growth.
• She values authenticity, depth, and support over surface-level connection.

“A lot of my close friendships are very powerful, influential, confident, selfish women. And that’s where I’m feeling really celebrated.”
— Alicia [48:01]

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11. What it Means to Be a Woman of Influence

[51:09–52:13]

• For Alicia, true influence is about lighting your own path so brightly that others are inspired to do the same, rather than seeking followers.

“A woman of influence is someone who is cherishing and lighting their own path. Therefore, that light is so bright that others can kind of then follow their lead...It’s just turning that light on fully.”
— Alicia [51:18]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Real influence isn’t built in the algorithm, it’s embodied in your identity.” (Julie Solomon, [00:21])
• “Our bowl of chips. With slash.” (Julie + Alicia joke about their first meeting, [01:05])
• “The clarity comes with stillness.” (Alicia, [04:01])
• “The acceptance is the answer to all of my suffering. I don’t need to force myself out of this.” (Alicia, [18:21])
• “It is safe to be fully me.” (Alicia shares her mantra, [25:55])
• “Boundaries used to be like, I’m going to tell you what I need so that you can behave in a way that makes me feel safe versus, like, no, I have a boundary for myself and I’m not going to do that anymore.” (Alicia, [34:20])
• “If you spot it, you got it.” (Julie and Alicia, [52:14])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:51–03:46 – Their friendship and the reason behind the podcast rebrand
• 04:57–08:13 – Navigating the “itch” for change, valleys, and periods of boredom
• 11:05–15:16 – Redefining and tracking personal success
• 18:09–22:44 – Vulnerability in creative process; learning presence
• 29:23–36:03 – Grieving relational shifts and boundaries
• 43:51–44:54 – Embracing “selfishness”
• 51:09–52:13 – Defining what it means to be a woman of influence

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Episode Tone

Candid, warm, and compassionate—Julie and Alicia’s conversation is marked by deep trust, reflection, wit, and an unwavering commitment to growth. The episode delivers truth bombs with empathy and invites listeners to embrace their own evolution, doubts, and desires.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode is a masterclass in soulful career evolution, redefining success, and permission-giving vulnerability. Both women model what real influence looks like: living fully, setting boundaries, and lighting a path others can’t help but follow. Essential listening for women leaders, creators, and anyone facing the friction of their own next chapter.

Transcript

[Alicia]

Foreign.

[Julie Solomon]

Welcome to Woman of Influence. I'm Julie Solomon. And this is where high level women come to recalibrate their message, realign their leadership, and rise into the next era of impact. If you're ready to align your visibility with your true authority, if you're called to speak to women at the level you now lead, if you're ready for your business to feel as elevated as the woman running it, this is your space. Because real influence isn't built in the algorithm, it's embodied in your identity. Let's get started. Hi, Miss Alicia. Oxy.

[Alicia]

Hi. Hi. Hi.

[Julie Solomon]

Can you believe this has been a. I was pregnant with Camden when we met.

[Alicia]

You were very pregnant with Camden. Yes. And we met at a chip bowl.

[Julie Solomon]

We did.

[Alicia]

So for everybody that knows me well, I love my chips.

[Julie Solomon]

Our bowl of chips. With slash.

[Alicia]

With slash. Hey, totally forgot about slash. These chips are mine. Nice. Carry on.

[Julie Solomon]

But yeah. So that's been 12 years.

[Alicia]

Yeah.

[Julie Solomon]

That we have been just in a incredible sisterhood that I am so grateful for. And h. Just any morsel of time, I'm gonna already start crying. I know.

[Alicia]

I was like, did you see my breath go?

[Julie Solomon]

I know. I'm like, oh, she's gonna cry and I'm gonna cry. But just, we've got to live a lot of life together. And I just feel so grateful for that. And I'm so grateful that you're here. Thank you for taking the time. I know that you've been on my podcast before, but this just feels different. It's. That was several years ago. This is in person. This is, you know, to support the. The relaunch and rebrand of this podcast and what it means to me. And so as I've been sharing, you know, I. When I thought about this, this rebrand and the type of conversations that I wanted to have and who I wanted to have those conversations with, I just thought to myself, I am so fucking grateful to have so many incredible people in my life. Why wouldn't I just have conversations with them? Like, that's what makes sense. And put em out there and put em out there. And so that's why you're here.

[Alicia]

I'm so grateful. Thank you for having me. It's been such a joy to evolve with you and to have us come from a chip bowl to babies to living in different states and still staying connected. Not only connected, but like inspired. Like, you're one of my go to sounding boards of life, of things that we're doing for ourselves, of how we're growing or some of our struggles or some of our celebrations. And that's really rare, I think, to have. As we get older, I think your circle gets much smaller, where you start to see the reflective points, the mirrors that you really need to evolve and grow. So thank you. Thanks for doing this. Thanks for evolving. Even in your podcast, it made me think. On the way here, I was like, oh, I haven't done anything different with mine in eight years. And I had this whole conversation with my mom on the way here and she was like, but yours is so niche and they're coming for such a thing. But we'll talk about this off mic. I already have a rebranding idea to broaden. Yes, it does kind of.

[Julie Solomon]

You know, it sands the edges a little bit, which I think is. It's good for us to do that. You know, it's like when you. When you know that you haven't scratched the corners of potential, even when you have done so much, it is that reminder.

[Alicia]

Yeah. And I just get itchy. I'm starting to get that itch.

[Julie Solomon]

Yes.

[Alicia]

Where I'm like, this container feels different now. So I. And I think just the age that I am too. It's like, what's no longer serving me? Where do I want to step? I'm in the hallway right now where I'm like, what door is opening? Because I'm shutting doors.

[Julie Solomon]

Yep.

[Alicia]

So how can I. Well, I'm just being patient. I'm waiting for the light and then it's like, oh, okay, go, go here. The clarity and that comes with stillness. And also being inspired by watching other people, you know, get itchy, burst out of that container, and kind of start a whole new process. So that's really. I mean, your podcast has done that for so long, but just your friendship does that. And that's a rare quality.

[Julie Solomon]

Let's dive into that. Because when I get itchy, mine actually looks like boredom. And what will happen is I will get really bored and then I will start to get very self critical and then I will have this existential crisis and I will think to myself, oh, like, am I not supposed to be doing this? Am I actually not doing the thing I'm supposed to be doing? People don't care anyway. You know, you. You go through the spin, and then once I get to the other side of that and I pick myself back up, then I get re inspired. And then so goes the evolution of creativity and growth.

[Alicia]

So.

[Julie Solomon]

So what does that look like for you? Those itchy points, the moments of doubt, the fear? And how has that evolved for you.

[Alicia]

This is such a good question. Because I'm really in that zone.

[Julie Solomon]

You're like, I'm really itchy.

[Alicia]

I'm in it, I'm in it, but I'm in it with grace and acceptance. So I think that the first step for me is just even the awareness of it, like you said, the internal dialogue starts to get really critical. Not only that, I, I was starting to lose my excitement for it. Now, if, if eight years ago, I'd be like, guess what you're gonna do over 700, 800 episodes, I would have just been beside myself because where I was, I wasn't. I didn't really even have a purpose. When I first kind of launched some things that I, I was pulled, I was inspired, I made a mistake, and it evolved into something and I just followed the green lights. Well, now getting to the age that I am, success looks different. Where it's like, I've. What does success look like for me? I've had to define that. And then I had to step into, why am I not deeming this a success? Okay, that's another question. But then once I've reached a mountaintop, well, I'm a seeker, so what's the next mountaintop? But to get to the next mountaintop, there's that valley, right? I gotta go down. I, in the past have tended to run from those valleys or have been critical of the valley in my new iteration of a woman in her 40s. I think I've welcomed the valley now and I can kind of sit and be outside of myself a little bit and observe like, oh, you're bored. Oh, that job's not really doing it for you. And before I used to project that out on to others, I would be like, oh, my partner or my boyfriend isn't doing it for me anymore. He's not taking me on dates or he's not doing this or in work. It's. I'm not getting that job or that role. That's really inspiring me. No, it's me. It's my container shifting.

[Julie Solomon]

Most mornings before I check my emails or open Instagram, I put on a lesson from Masterclass. It has become part of my daily ritual. And lately I have been listening to Daniel Pink's class on sales. Now, if you don't know who Daniel Pink is, he is the master when it comes to sales. And let me tell you, it is like having a high level mentor in your ear. His approach makes sales feel like a service, not pressure. And this is why I love Masterclass. It gives you a Bite sized lesson taught by world class experts. You'll learn from the names like Bob Iger, Aindra Newey and Chris Voss whether you want to be a leader, negotiate better or sharpen your creativity. And what I love most is that you can download classes and watch offline, which makes travel or downtime really productive. I've applied what I've learned to my own launches, client calls, how I teach sales inside my own processes and really how I show up in my business and outside of it. Right now our listeners get an additional 15% off of any annual [e-mail] influencer. That's 15% [e-mail] influencer masterclass.com influencer so.

[Alicia]

I've been, I journal a lot. I gave myself a lot of pause now and whatever that pause looks like. I love vacationing. Not in a sense. Normally I'm going to a place and I'm like, okay, I want to see the architecture and the art and people. Now I'm vacationing to sit in stillness, in silence. When I'm in my home, I see everything that needs to be done. I'm a mom. There's a running ticker. I like news ticker of what I need to do. But when I'm outside of my space, I can get inside of my space. And that's been really rewarding for me. I've also shifted the critical insecuriosity, my critical person where I'm like, oh, you're bored or you're boring? It's more, it's usually when it's you are this right? It's an attack. I'm attacking myself. So when I can shift that language or I'm like, oh, I'm curious what that new path is gonna look like. I'm really curious what's gonna light me up again. Then I'm looking for it, right? So I'm sitting in stillness, but I'm also inviting in. What's that spark gonna be? I just was on vacation with my mom and my daughter for two weeks. How my family has evolved and what they've chosen to do allowed me to go on vacation for two weeks, which was cheaper than a summer camp. And I just sat there every day and I wrote and I was able to do a little work. But what came through really kind of shocked me. And so instead of putting it out there, I have enough practice now where I'm like, before those little lights, where I'm like, I'm gonna start a podcast. I'm like, who? Who starts a podcast? No, I have this new light that kind of just went on where I'm like, okay, it's a new adventure. What wants to be birthed is not something I've done before. So I'm excited. I'm excited to learn something new. So that's where I think my biggest thing is the critical into curiosity. Being able to sit outside of a container that I have responsibilities to so I can really get inside myself. And also learning boundaries, learning how to say no because I give so much. Because that service, that, that was my act of love for so long. But I kept, I stopped doing it for myself at a certain point. So now I think with my, this new chapter of 40s, I'm trying to give that to myself so I can blossom again. I have to water, I have to water, I have to fertilize this.

[Julie Solomon]

There's so much good stuff here. And I want to know how, like, how are you able to approach the valleys with this curiosity? What are the practical steps or how have you been able to work, reframe or reshape or build a new muscle that allows you to take yourself out of those self critical moments and really see this as more that's being revealed?

[Alicia]

Okay, so the first one. What is success?

[Julie Solomon]

Ooh.

[Alicia]

I've been marinating on this. This has been a big thing for me in the last year, you know, to say I've done almost 800 episodes of a podcast. Some would be like, that's really successful, but I wasn't aiming for that. So to me, it didn't look successful. I didn't have an endpoint for the podcast itself, so I wasn't looking at it as successful. Right. Because I didn't set a marker for myself. So in this last year, I've been trying to set new markers so I can understand that when I hit it, it's like I'm aiming for the bullseye. As long as I have a direction, then I know that I've achieved something. In the past, I kind of was just flat flowing where the wind would go and therefore I didn't achieve much because I didn't have that crossing finish line. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So, you know, people are like, make your five year goals or do this. Well, I'm in an industry that I have zero control over, essentially as an actor.

[Julie Solomon]

Yeah.

[Alicia]

If I write, I have a different level of that.

[Julie Solomon]

Right.

[Alicia]

So I've had to just. I've started to sit down with myself and write it out. First of all, that to me is also meditative and I Think success also looks at like allowing myself to desire something outside of what other anybody else thinks about it, even myself. Where.

[Julie Solomon]

What do you mean by that?

[Alicia]

Okay. My new inspiration when I was just on my trip was I'm gonna write a book. And it came to me so clear. And then that other part came in and was like, well, you've never written a book, you're not gonna do this or whatever. So I'm sharing it with you right now. I don't know when this is gonna go live, but I haven't shared it with many people. I wanna keep that container clean of the criticism so I can stay in the curiosity. Yep. And then for success too. I want, if I'm doing it monthly or if I'm doing it annually, then I can see, I can measure. Before I just was, I was surviving. So I didn't, I couldn't ever see success. In order to thrive, I think you have to give yourself markers. So I've been trying to give myself markers and then I can celebrate. Right. I've always wanted to work with Ryan Murphy. All of a sudden at the top of the year I was like, here's shows and people that I would like to align with as in my acting lane. Well, if you can see it, if you set the intention, your attention, attention goes there with your intention and then it comes, then the curiosity point is there. I don't need to know how and when it's gonna come, but it already did. And I started looking at a lot of reflective points from when I was a teenager. There's this great quote next to my house that was painted on a wall for the last four years. They just took it down. It made me so sad, but it said I'm doing everything for my 17 year old self. Just in the last year I found a journal and all the things that I was deeming successful or wanted to do and I've done all of them. I've done all of them. Isn't that so much more? And that blew my mind.

[Julie Solomon]

Yeah. So because that's so important, because I think so many times, especially for those of us who are so driven, it's so easy just to check the box and not really be still and be present and take stock of like wow, I set out to do that and I did it. I manifested that. I said I wanted that and that happened. Yeah, it's just we check the box and we go on to the next thing. So what did that reflection reveal to you?

[Alicia]

That success is not monetary. It hasn't been for Me in the past, but yet I was making that a marker. So my 17 year old self had these dreams of, you know, being an actress, living in California, working with certain people. To me, my success was written in experience. So I'm creating experiences now that I want to have and that's successful. If I want more money, then that's gonna be my goal. Right. So I can also make that my goal. But my success truly doesn't live in that. It's I, I do my career sometimes for fun and for free. So that to me is successful. So having those little markers. And then what was the other question you just asked?

[Julie Solomon]

And well, I wanted to talk about the valleys, but I think what you just said is huge. Of how it's so easy for us to, to attach some kind of monetary gain or some kind of number to the success when really if we can stay rooted into the experience and what we receive from that experience, I would say that more so than not the monetary game probably comes a lot faster and easier. It does when we just focus on the experience instead of trying to hold so tightly to some kind of number that a lot of times we, we don't leave space for the how. We don't leave space for the miracle to come in. We don't leave space for all of the fun things that life and sometimes hard things that life can throw at us. But that's what actually builds the muscle that is needed to reach that monetary gain. So that's just what I ref. Was processed as you were sharing that.

[Alicia]

Yeah. And just the joy of it. Right. So success to me, I feel like in the past too, it's like you gotta work really hard, right. Or you have to, you have to prove certain things. When I've distilled it down for me and I keep asking myself questions why I'm emotional authority. I have to feel my way through everything. So, okay, if I need to feel it, then what does that feel like? Versus I know I got specific about like Ryan Murphy. I want to work with Ryan Murphy. Why? Because I like the way he tells stories. I actually really like some of the worlds that he builds. I like that he continues to work with the same people. What I'm craving most in my acting career is going to summer camp. I love working with people again and again and again. Right. There's something about walking into the hair and makeup trailer and seeing the same person over and over and over again. There's something about working with the same director, writer, other actors. I'm like, oh, I'm Craving that feeling. That's why I want a series. Not because I need to be on your bus that drives by or need to be in your living room every day. I'm craving a creative, collaborative experience. Oh, okay. That's a lot richer to me. And a lot easier to be curious about how it's going to unfold.

[Julie Solomon]

And a lot clearer of an intention.

[Alicia]

Yes.

[Julie Solomon]

And that clarity is what comes and allows the success to happen.

[Alicia]

I think so, yeah. And whether or not I get this Ryan Murphy or it might happen in 10 years, it might happen in 10 months, it could happen in 10 days. Ooh, I'm excited now. I'm excited about it versus being like, it's never gonna happen. Who do you. Who do you think you are? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I just, especially as a mother, too, I really wanna explore desire, like what she desires to do. And if I'm teaching her that, why wouldn't I teach myself that? So that's where I've been in that exploration. And then the valleys, like, what do I do when I'm in the valleys? I call you.

[Julie Solomon]

What do I do?

[Alicia]

Well, I. I'm really good at recovery. I've been really good at recovery. I've had a lot of surgeries. You've been with me through that.

[Julie Solomon]

And not just physical recovery.

[Alicia]

Yes.

[Julie Solomon]

The emotional guidance.

[Alicia]

I have really invested in my emotional recovery in the last five or six years. That, to me, is now the prize. I actually like doing the work where I am like, oh, wow, this is a pattern that's been emerging a lot. A valley is a pattern that's going to emerge again and again and again and again in my life. I say this on my podcast when I'm talking to actors, I use a surfing analogy. You might catch a good wave. You get project after project after project. You're relevant for a moment, then you hit the shore, then you're waiting for your next wave. You're paddling out and you're paddling and you're paddling. I like that analogy. I like the other the mountain analogy, where you can see the forest and the ocean, and when you're at the base of the mountain, you're in the forest a lot longer before you see the ocean. And as you go up the mountain, you're in the forest less, you see the ocean more. So I one tangibly, I have awareness. Hey, I'm in the valley right now. I need to have some acceptance around that. That acceptance is the answer to all of my suffering. I don't need to force myself out of this. I think this is ironic to say, but as an actor, I wasn't aware of my own feelings as a child, as a teen, as a twenties.

[Julie Solomon]

That is so interesting for you to say that, because I know how aware you are, like you're so good at what you do. And that acting is the study of human emotion and experience and the expression of that. So how did you unlock that?

[Alicia]

I could, I could, I could practice that. I think that's why I am an actor. I could practice that in my work. But with myself, I was. I had numbed myself from feeling so many things for so long or disassociated or controlled certain behavior from myself or certain feel, not behavior, feelings from myself so that my behavior would be almost placid and pleasing so that I could be accepted by somebody else. That in my adulthood I had to really get in touch with what my feelings are telling me. I'll never forget. A therapist gave me a book, what your feelings mean. And I was like, I'm good, I'm good. And that's what I do for a living. Very good. So I think the part of the tangible thing of the Valley is being like, oh, I'm sad today, Laura. I'm really angry that I'm here at the moment and just sitting with it. I love to journal, I think, also sometimes reasoning it out. But with somebody that knows how to hold space for you and isn't going to fix it for you, is comfortable with you also having your feelings, that's a huge thing. And then again, I have to shift to curiosity. I sometimes make lists where I'm like, okay, I'm never going to work again. What's the opposite of that? I am going to work again. I wonder when, like, I wonder when I'm going to work again. That's the, the direct, I think, translation of I'm never gonna work again. For me, I wonder when I'm gonna work again. It doesn't, it just shifts my mindset from this negativity into curiosity. Cuz I can't jump right to like, I'm never gonna work again. I'm gonna be on a Ryan Murphy show tomorrow. My brain's like, shut up. Yeah, I'm not with you on that. So I had, I had to work with my own deficits, I think, and lack of awareness for so long. Cause if not, I'll get into that spin. And we're all, again, we're all gonna have valleys. We all, I mean, death, divorce, birth, rebirth. We're constantly in this flow. We're like water. Learning how to be like water a little bit more.

[Julie Solomon]

And how do you think that that has allowed you to show up more in your creative process? Because you've been acting for 25. 20 years.

[Alicia]

25 years. 20. Yeah, we just passed 23 years professionally since. That's getting paid, right? Yeah.

[Julie Solomon]

And then you do, you know, you've had a podcast for what, almost eight years now?

[Alicia]

I've been doing the interviews since 2009. I've been released as a podcast since 2017.

[Julie Solomon]

Yeah. So, I mean, that's huge. You write, you do so much. How has this awareness, muscle and the ability to start just being more open and being more curious, how has that allowed you to approach your own creative process differently?

[Alicia]

I'm more vulnerable. And vulnerability is what we lean in for, even though it's so opposite of how we learn how to survive. I. I watched some of my work from last year and I was in a lot of physical pain last year I had two hip surgeries.

[Julie Solomon]

And your knee.

[Alicia]

And my knee. And Nashville at my house. He dumped you back together again, pulling your boot off. Yes. But what it did is it really put me in my body and it changed the way I was working. A short answer of this is, even last week I did a tape and I woke up the next morning. And for people that are listening, that are not in acting, you do a self tape and then you send that forward to the decision makers and they may and they decide, yeah, we're looking for this or we're not looking for this. I woke up the next morning and I was like, oh, I played at something versus living in something. I need to show more of me. And so I did it again. So really there is just this. There's a deepening to my relationships, not only with my work, but with people, places and things is just really learning how to show more of myself. It's really ironic to be in a profession where I'm seen, but I was hiding from being seen for so long and I feel like I'm just starting to awaken into like, no, this is me, all of me, good, bad, whatever, mistakes in this. I'm not looking to be so perfect. I'm not looking. I'm not trying to hold on, to have it all together. It's allowed a sense of humor to come through that I haven't had in a while. I think I was in survival mode most of my life. Definitely the last eight years up to like maybe last year that I finally just. I'm like, I feel like I'm sitting open handed where I'm like, okay, and also just one day at a time. One day at a time. Yeah.

[Julie Solomon]

And I mean your awareness on that, that happened to me recently. Ish too, where I will catch my, whether, whether it's recording a podcast or posting something or what have you, and I'll catch myself. And it's like I have this level of awareness that I used to not have or maybe I, I, I didn't take the time because I would rush through things so quickly. I wouldn't be embodied in my body. And I'm like, that's actually not what I thought and felt at all. That's actually not what I want to say at all. This is actually not a full expression of this thing. And giving myself the opportunity and the permission to, to like, okay, second cut, you know, I'm gonna not post that, I'm gonna not share that episode. That, that doesn't feel authentic to me. So for you, in this new awareness, how is this concept or this idea of being fully expressed? What does that mean to you? And in 2025, if Alicia is fully expressed in her work, in her business, in her relationships with a partner, as a mom, what do, do you, have you been able to, to really articulate what that is for you now so you can start to call more of it in?

[Alicia]

I have a new mantra. I was working. I, I love working with somatic healers, I love working in with cognitive behavioral therapy as well. And literally in the last two months, what we've been working on is just a mantra. I am fully me. It is safe to be fully me. I had to work on the like safe part of that. Doesn't mean that I'm not gonna get harmed, doesn't mean I cannot control people, places and things. So I had to really distill that down. Being fully me, I am an emotional being. I need to take time to sit with myself to see how I really feel about things. I've lived my whole life in hurry and indecision up until the last two years. I've had situations happen in the last two years that have been highly consequential, I think is the best way to say them. And I noticed my immediate response was to take care of the other person in the situation. And I was delaying taking care of myself. And then my emotions might come three days later, they might come two months later. So I've started a practice. When people ask me something or ask me for something, it might take me 24 hours to respond. It's not in a disrespect to them. It's literally in cherishing and owning that I am an emotional responder. And I need to take a second as I'm learning what my emotions are with this. Because I was getting really angry. Not at the other and not at other people anymore. The blame is no longer on other people. I was getting really angry at myself because I wasn't giving myself time and space to figure out how I was feeling through that. So I can't fully be me. I don't know how to respond immediately in something because I have come to realize I'm a delayed responder. Okay, great. So if that's.

[Julie Solomon]

I think most of us are. We just don't let ourselves do it right. And, like, where's the harm in just saying, let me get back to you on that.

[Alicia]

Yes, absolutely, that.

[Julie Solomon]

But it's like a programming that we feel like we have to react, respond, say, check it off the box, or at least for me, that's how it's.

[Alicia]

Well, I've always wanted to take care of your feelings. If I don't respond right away, I just. Using you as an example. Oh, my God. I don't want Julie to be upset or think that I don't care about the situation or what. I was just so focused on everything outside of myself. So I think I'm learning who I fully am. I'm really learning some of those shadow. If you want to throw around those things or like, just certain things that I'm like, oh, that's a pattern. Do I still want to keep doing that? Does that feel good anymore? Do I even know how I feel about it? Okay, I don't like that anymore. Let me take time. I have to change that. And just having some fucking grace while I try to change a groove that has been so embedded. It's like the Grand Canyon over here. And I'm just trying to do a little pond off to the side and just try to start doing some things different. And I think when you shift to. I've had a lot of relationships that have shifted as well because I'm no longer that version that they know. And that's. And that's okay. That's really, I think, starting to realize who I fully am. There is some loss in that. And that's. And I'm okay with that. I'm. And I have to grieve.

[Julie Solomon]

Yeah. Like, how do you allow yourself? Because I think a lot of women especially can relate to this. I know. I. We've had conversations about it. I'VE had conversations with other women about it of this idea of, like, when you grow and evolve, it's, it's a little bit of, you know, spiritual sandpaper, if you will. And, and when you kind of catch yourself trying to sand the edges of your decision making, process your soul, what you're okay with, what you're not okay with, to kind of fit something that no longer fits, then how do you give yourself the permission to accept that? Because a lot of people want to avoid that. Because it is grief, it is loss, it is you coming to terms and being honest with the fact of, oh, maybe I'm not supposed to be in relationship with this person anymore. Maybe I'm not supposed to be friends with this person anymore. Maybe I'm not supposed to work with this person anymore. So how did you give yourself the strength and the courage really to finally.

[Alicia]

See that reality on this part? Might make me cry. It's grief. It's just like when you, you know, you've had two babies. It's the same thing for any woman that's listening to this. When you have a baby and you have to like put everything back together again and it's never going to be the same physically, emotionally. And we do that again and again and again. And as I'm feeling itchy, I love when you say the spiritual sandpaper. It's like to me it makes the most sense. I'm getting itchy. And what I used to do is not scratching that itch at all. I'm needing to expand. I've been sitting in a little stillness. There's been a lot of tears, there's been a lot of journaling, there's been a lot of praying. I, I say every day, like, take me where I need to go, show me what I need to see and tell me what I need to say and to whom. And then I like to really check my motives. Right? Like I can grieve and then do I need to be witnessed in my grieving? I used to, I used to really be witnessed in my grieving. I needed an audience before now I. And that was, that got me in a lot of trouble emotionally for myself and consequentially in a lot of other ways too. So for me to shift into that.

[Julie Solomon]

I want you to share more about that because I think there's a huge.

[Alicia]

Lesson in this and how it, how.

[Julie Solomon]

It got you in trouble, how you see that now because back then you wouldn't have seen it as trouble. That's why that was the payoff. It gave you something. So how do you see that as trouble?

[Alicia]

I allowed people, places and things to make decisions for me, whether or not I asked them to or not. But when you go and you're processing with a lot of people, I love this. Like, you can process with one people, One person. But if you need to continue to tell the same story again and again, you're looking for an audience, right? And when you're looking for an audience, they're gonna give you their perspective. And then as somebody who's a recovering people pleaser, you're gonna start adjusting. Either what you're sharing, doing, or people can get overly involved into your life because you've involved them, right? You've involved them. You've asked, you know, for advice or. So that's one lane, I think. And then people got involved, too. Involved in my life that again, had consequential. I don't want to say benefits, but like, what's the right word for it? It just had consequences. And I. I don't blame anybody for that behavior. I was. I was outsourcing versus insourcing. It's my life and it's my decisions to make. And then on the flip side of that too, I think I had to grieve. Let me say this. I was projecting an idea of who I was in a lot of relationships to keep them safe. What I deemed safe. What I deemed safe, which was what.

[Julie Solomon]

At the time, Whatever they wanted.

[Alicia]

Whatever they wanted.

[Julie Solomon]

And then you would just be that.

[Alicia]

I would be that. Because I could keep the peace, right? And in very formidable relationships, I realized I was doing this. And then when I woke up or when I got so angsty with myself and with them, actually I would get angsty with them. It's not their problem. It was me projecting something or not being authentically myself. Resentment started to build and I didn't like who I was in the relationship. And to be quite honest, I didn't like the mirror, the other person as well. Because if you are. If you are becoming vanilla so that everybody can like and accept you, then you're going to attract toppings and things that you might not actually even really care for. So I think that was a big grieving process, is that some of these relationships actually did care for the person, but maybe I didn't really like them very much, or maybe I didn't really like some of their behavior choices. So to remove myself or to set boundaries, which I also had to learn what boundaries were. Boundaries used to be like, I'm going to tell you what I Need so that you can behave in a way that makes me feel safe versus, like, no, I have a boundary for myself and I'm not going to do that anymore. And I don't really need to inform the other person. No, I just need to take care of myself. So I had to grieve a lot of those relationships where I had put myself and made myself vanilla. So I think that's part of it is fully accepting who I am and then starting to see what I attract out of that. So that's the process that I've been in for probably the last two years, heavily, maybe a little bit before that, and wishing all of those beautiful souls that I encountered during that time complete wholeness and love and nothing else. But like, I'm getting to know me. And once I have this container, maybe then we'll have a different way of.

[Julie Solomon]

Relating to each other. Right.

[Alicia]

Or not. You know, one of them is, you know, I've had a very interesting relationship with my father for a very long time, but now I'm really at peace with it. And I send him so much love. When I think of him, when I go to a grieving point, I send him love. And I. The desire of the relationship I wish to have is just that, a desire of a relationship I wish to have. Now I can have acceptance for just exactly what it is. And a big part of the relationship I'm talking about is I was presenting to get that love and attention from my dad. He didn't ever really fully know me, and that's a sad thing. But that's not his fault. That was how I was operating in.

[Julie Solomon]

That relationship in order to cope.

[Alicia]

Yeah. And I think getting specific right now in this conversation, I think would hopefully help other people because I think your parental relationships are so key to how you interact in everything in. In your career, in other partner relationships. And coming to that awareness and having some release around it has really shifted even how we do communicate when we do. And there's a piece to it now, but, man, that sandpaper has been really rubbing for a long time. And I had to distill down what it was for me. And out of love and out of responsibility for showcasing fully who I am and seeing what happens, just seeing what happens. And it might not go well. Right. And I can't control that.

[Julie Solomon]

And that's really the thing that I think for the, you know, for all of us that go through life and experience so much of this and how it relates to our own evolution, personally, spiritually, professionally, what have you is well, two things. What you were just talking about with, with the parentals. I remember hearing someone somewhere say once, he said something along the lines of, my mother wasn't my mother until she was my mother. Before that, she was her own person. And what really I took from that was that, you know, we sometimes forget that, you know, especially when we're little, the role that our parents have to play. And then as we get older, you know, yes, they're still our parents, but the roles evolve. And so when does that really. When and how does the awareness need to begin of, you know, now where is this issue or problem now? My issue or problem that I need to now get to the other side of, which then leads me to this idea for you. Of, you know, I, I believe that we, we will keep doing something, whether that's conscious or unconscious. We will keep playing a pattern, playing a role, playing a story until it no longer serves us because there's a payoff. And everything that we think, do feel, believe all of it. So for you, was it, was it a. Did you have this rock bottom moment with certain things that it was like, now that I see it, I can't unsee it. Or was it a slow unraveling? Or was it kind of a mix of both?

[Alicia]

Oh, it was a hundred percent a mix of both. I found myself in very complicated situations. And from that then I started kind of observing. I was like, oh, I'm. I'm becoming. Everything seems very dramatic all the time. And I'm like, what's the common denominator here? It's me. There's patterns that are landing me in these situations that really don't feel good. Okay, so let me pull back and kind of notice like even how I study characters and acting, my acting teacher always says we seek to repeat until we are aware as human beings. We just do over and over and over again. I've had a few out of body experiences, I'd say in the last five or six years where I just kind of went, I was watching it from above and I was like, wait, how did we get here in this situation? This is dangerous. And also how do I proceed? Which landed me in a lot of recovery programs, honestly, so that I could find serenity. So those. It was big, big moments that became more than I could handle because I didn't have the tools, because I was always looking again outside of myself. I think, you know, we're raised, we're these little autonomous beings, very selfish. Like just as children, we are and the world revolves around us and Everything is happening to us or. And then there was a shift of how do I want to participate in my life? There's just awareness that kind of came in. And I'm grateful for these situations because if they didn't happen, I wouldn't have had that out of body experience where I felt insane in those situations. And I have to look at my participation in it. Part of really what I love about recovery is what's your part? You know, putting the focus back on yourself, being mindful of. Also not taking things personally at all.

[Julie Solomon]

It's so hard.

[Alicia]

It's the hardest thing. I have to do it every day where I'm like, wait, am I?

[Julie Solomon]

It's so hard.

[Alicia]

Yeah. Even in conversations, right? Like, yeah, looking for the question and.

[Julie Solomon]

Being an observer of your own experience. Like you were, you know, when you. It's kind of outer body. But like, how can I be an observer in this experience?

[Alicia]

Yeah. And I, for me too, the observer of the experience, I become disassociated. And again, I'm aware now that I'm disassociating. So then how do I get myself back in my body? How do I get myself back in my experience? How do I get myself into the experiences that I actually want to enjoy and have? And I do think just like attracts like. So when you're in the pattern or when something catastrophic happens or you're in a situation before, my pattern was to ruminate, run and process and you know, get that audience of validating the ex. The feelings that I had in that experience and then trying to heal thereafter that. And now, now I can watch a catastrophic event go down and have like a side of fries and be like, wow, well, that looks like stuff that needs to like that doesn't have my name on it. What? That's such a relief. And it's allowed me to then have space. When you're ruminating and you're running to 12 people to tell them what just happened so that they can tell you you're not crazy. I have all this space to create. I don't have to pick up the rope. I love that one right where it's like, okay, well that was crazy. And we'll just see how that unfolds later. I'll see how I feel about it a little bit later. I have time to then think about writing a book. I have time to then sit and play with my daughter and not have to check my phone 5,000 times to see what everybody else validated. Did they validate my feelings? I've learned how to validate my own feelings. I think that's my biggest recovery point. Like, oh, this is something that is sad.

[Julie Solomon]

Yeah. And that's okay. And I don't need to fix it or have someone try to come and fix it or psychoanalyze it with me. Like, I can.

[Alicia]

Just tell me, be a better mom. Like, you know, Vita has. My daughter will have a bad day. Okay, great. You're having a bad day. I don't have to fix it for her. God bless. The amount of time I spent trying to fix, manage, control, so much stuff. It's not a surprise to me that I'm, like, a little bit more maybe delayed in, quote unquote, my career where I want it to be. Because I was so emotionally invested in other people, places and things. The whole. I wasn't invested in myself. In the last two years, I've learned how to invest. I matter. I don't. I couldn't say that two years ago, it was an I matter. But yes. Yeah.

[Julie Solomon]

Do you feel like. And I'm going to use words that maybe people hear, and they're like, oh, they're bad words. But I think in this context, it's keeping the focus on yourself is a form of selfishness, self focus. But I think it is the best thing that you can do for yourself and for everybody else around you. Is that kind of what you have found as well?

[Alicia]

Yes. I used to hate people, be like, she's selfish. So what did I do? I people pleased.

[Julie Solomon]

Right.

[Alicia]

So I'm not that I would explain myself, overexplain myself. I've been called selfish in the last couple of years by a handful of close people. And you know what? It made me feel real good.

[Julie Solomon]

You damn right.

[Alicia]

I was like, I am.

[Julie Solomon]

Oh, my God. Thank you.

[Alicia]

Thank you. I've changed, right? I am. Oh, my gosh. I literally called. I called trusted one person. I was like, I was called selfish today. And I'm gonna go get an ice cream.

[Julie Solomon]

Yes.

[Alicia]

Oh, it feels so good. But it is a daily practice for me. Set the boundaries, put myself first, look at my schedule and be like, wait, can I do that? Do I feel good and do that? In doing that, I've done a lot lately take pride in this now, where I'm like, oh, I know. I said I could do that. I actually can't. Sorry. Hope to catch you the next time. And then I put my phone down. And then not ruminating over that or what they're going to think about that is so much recovery.

[Julie Solomon]

It's for me it's everything, even down.

[Alicia]

To, like, what I eat, taking a bath, like, just being like, you know, what I don't, or investing in my jobs. Like, I really love what I do. A lot of people don't understand what I do. They don't need to anymore. I don't. I don't care if you, you know, like having a creative job. Sometimes it's. It's taking me two decades to get somebody to understand I actually do work 8 to 5. You might not know what that looks like. So I'm sorry I didn't answer your phone call when you demand it, that I should. It's just putting some boundaries, and I actually don't even care if they're having feelings about it anymore. It just allowed me to kind of invest more in happiness.

[Julie Solomon]

I heard a quote recently that I. I've heard throughout my life, but I hadn't heard it in a long time. And the way that it hit me now at 41, is vastly different than any other time that I'd heard it. And it was, show me your friends, and I'll show you your future. And I remember hearing that in my 20s and thinking, like, oh, you think you're better, that, you know, I made it be this better than thing, or that you like some kind of superficial thing. But now, with wisdom in life, I'm like, that could not be more true. You show me your friends, and I'll show you your future. How has your own recovery process shaped that idea for you? And as you are stepping into this new decade and season of your life, you know, how do you. How do you experience friendships now? How do you choose?

[Alicia]

It's interesting you say choose. For me, it's been more. How do you contain differently? Because before in that mindset of pleasing and being vanilla, I had a lot of sprinkles, a lot of toppings. I had a lot of friends and different friend groups, and I was very peripheral on a lot of. A lot of circles.

[Julie Solomon]

And did you. I would take that as a flex. Would you?

[Alicia]

I'd be like, oh, yeah.

[Julie Solomon]

Because I. I get along with everybody. And it's like, I can be. I can adapt and be with all different types of, you know, groups and. Yeah.

[Alicia]

And I'm a chameleon. Whatever you need, I'm here for. I'm grateful. I can be that person that sometimes people will call.

[Julie Solomon]

Right. And I can connect you.

[Alicia]

Oh, that's my. That's my biggest thing. I know that's a bit of a tangent for the moment, but I've Just I did it last week and the moment that I did it, here's the recovery. I called the person afterwards and I was like, I'm so sorry. I just offered and told you all the things and I, you didn't ask. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm retracting that. I, I didn't mean to do that. I, I, I was not conscious until the second that I was doing that and I'm trying to stop that. And they were like, oh my God, first of all, thank you for doing those things. But like that is an energetic leak. Yep. That I no longer want to practice doesn't mean that I'm not still, you.

[Julie Solomon]

Know, I still love.

[Alicia]

Yeah. But in the friendships that have gotten closer is what I will say. I need to be able to have the dialogue that kind of, that you and I are having right now. I really like a person that knows how to hold space. So I've really been attracting other females that can really sit with all sorts of emotions and things and that's been really beautiful and reflective. A lot of my close friendships are very powerful, influential, confident, selfish women. And that's where I'm feeling really celebrated. I love seeing other women succeed. I love seeing how other women also struggle and how they handle their struggle. And I like a woman that actually is solution oriented for themselves. It doesn't have to be. It kind of for me, I think also it's landed me in some really beautiful rooms that I don't have to long for or chase after. And sitting back a little bit more. It's really interesting to watch the relationships that have kind of bubbled up and again it's gotten a lot quieter and that to me it's like, you know that quote that you hear, it's like good to have just a few friends versus this whole. And it has, it's gotten a lot quieter in that realm. I, I think the biggest friendship that I've been really cultivating and curating is higher power. I just, that's, I don't feel so lonely anymore with like the few, the few like that I can look at and dial up and, and again I think having like minded people around like we, how we started this conversation, you are evolving out of a container. You doing that makes me go, oh, okay. It brings an awareness to is there something that I'm evolving out of right now? So those are my friends, those are my close friends right now where it's like, oh, I've done this. And especially being in your mid-40s like, we've accomplished a certain amount, however you want to look at that accomplishment. And then we're at this transitional point. And I'm really loving women that are seeking not only to the highest standard of themselves, but, like, how can I elevate community? How can I elevate humanity? I know that sounds so big in scope, but I really do appreciate those friendships around me now. I'm not good at small talk. I like to get into the minutiae of what's going on, but I don't want it to be gossipy anymore. Like, that's a big shift for me. So what are we. What are we doing? You know, like, I and a lot of my friendships, too, have women that are into traveling, you know, understanding the world and its greatness and what's out there versus limiting beliefs or kind of being stuck in patterns that I was in before that I was 100% participating in as well. Yeah, there's been a few.

[Julie Solomon]

Okay, before we wrap this up, I want to know what being a woman of influence means to you.

[Alicia]

I think a woman of influence is someone who is cherishing and lighting their own path. Therefore, that light is so bright that others can kind of then follow their lead. I don't like to look at followers because if we're all in our own light, I think it's really expressing that light, and then it's lit. So if you want to fall in behind, great. But I don't think it's somebody who's seeking to be like, this is what I'm doing. Therefore, you are going to follow. Now, I really love just turning on your light to the brightest. And that, to me, is a woman of influence, a woman who is leading, especially in today's world and society. I think that women. We've been made to feel small. We've been made to not celebrate certain things. To me, it's just turning that light on fully.

[Julie Solomon]

And if you spot it, you got it.

[Alicia]

If you spot it, you got it.

[Julie Solomon]

Well, thank you so much for being here and allowing us just to. And, of course, I mean, you and I talk so much and just scratching the surface of where we go in those conversations, but that has just been such a intention for me. When we talk about experience, is that in order for me to feel lit up and to still receive something from this podcast after years and years and years, it. It needs to be conversations that truly lift me up and that move me, and conversations with you always do that. So I love you so much.

[Alicia]

Love you.

[Julie Solomon]

Thank you for being you. Thank you for pouring your light and your gift into this incredible community today.

[Alicia]

Thank you. Thank you for your light. I mean, it's so bright. It's the brightest of all. And I think that's really why putting a mic in front of a light, I mean, the gems that come out, even on our daily back and forth, I'm just so incredibly grateful to have somebody standing beside.

[Julie Solomon]

Yeah. We all need it.

[Alicia]

Yeah. I love you. I love you.

[Julie Solomon]

Okay.