Original Text/ Transcript: https://www.pecanphilosophy.com/writing/existential-dread

I didn't set out to write an essay about existential dread and freedom. But after a recent post on social media sparked a wave of unexpected discussion, I realized this was a conversation worth having. It quickly became clear that I wasn't alone in wrestling with the complexities of free will—with the way the very thing we crave, the power to choose our path can sometimes feel like the heaviest burden to bear.

Existential Dread.

This today. Life is pushing me towards a change… something I might have asked for but also maybe only half-consciously.

Or I want it to be exactly the way I want it. I wanted EVERYTHING. To give up nothing but to have everything I wanted.

How can I be so enraptured, so intoxicatingly optimistic about the unknown that stretches before me, yet feel this crippling fear, this suffocating grip, this utter inability to let go of the familiar?

I am captivated by the promise of a future I had hoped for. Yet now that the doors have been thrown open, I am so grief-stricken at the thought of losing the life I built, the ground that once felt solid beneath my feet.

I am so grateful to the universe for the necessary violent push, for the chance to begin again, yet I feel powerless in the face of not knowing HOW it’s going to happen.

I crumble, clinging to the wreckage before surrendering to the flow.

This is the existential dread, the dreadful paradox, isn’t it?

To be both terrified and thrilled by the very same force, to mourn what's left behind while dancing on the precipice of something new.

Change-seeking, growth-loving animals like us are perhaps, all on this tightrope, balancing the comfort of the known with the dizzying allure of the unknown.

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Existential Dread— Not Choosing Is Still a Choice? (Audio Essay)