Duologue with Leslie Heaney

Episode: Modern Manners Made Easy – Etiquette Expert Elizabeth Anne Russell

Release Date: December 10, 2025
Guest: Elizabeth Anne Russell, Founder of Mannerly
Host: Leslie Heaney

Episode Overview

In this lively and comprehensive conversation, host Leslie Heaney sits down with etiquette expert Elizabeth Anne Russell to explore the world of modern manners. Drawing from her three-generation etiquette lineage and experience at Mannerly, Elizabeth dispels myths, offers actionable tips, and answers listener questions about everything from hostess gifts and thank-you notes to tricky dinner situations, tipping, and children's table manners. Their discussion is engaging, warm, and full of both practical and philosophical insights about respect, kindness, and adapting traditions for today.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Hostess Gifts – Always Bring Something

• [02:23] Elizabeth stresses the importance of expressing appreciation by never arriving empty-handed to someone’s home:
  • Recommended gifts: consumables (fresh bread, local honey/tea, cocktail napkins, stationery).
  • Tip: If giving flowers, bring them already in a vase to avoid creating work for the host.
  • Gifts aren’t meant to be opened at the event unless the host chooses.
  • Quote: “It is imperative to always have something in your hands when you walk into the home of someone else to show appreciation.” – Elizabeth [02:24]

Thank-You Notes – The Lost Art

• [06:22, 07:03]
  • Handwritten notes are always preferred, especially if the hostess gift wasn’t opened in your presence.
  • Texts or emails are better than nothing, but strive to write a note.
  • Keep stationery handy to make it easy.
  • Quote: “A handwritten note is always more thoughtful and better received. We just don’t write enough of them.” – Elizabeth [07:03]
  • For kids: start the habit early, use fill-in-the-blank notes if needed ([49:13]).

Setting the Table – Keep It Practical

• [09:31]
  • Only set utensils needed for the meal.
  • Basic Setting: Napkin (left), fork (left), plate, knife (right), spoon (right), glass above knife.
  • No soup spoon unless serving soup.
  • Fun mnemonic: “Four letters in fork, four in left; five in knife, five in spoon, five in right.”

Spaghetti and Pasta Spoons – American vs. Italian

• [11:38]
  • In Italy, it's incorrect to use a spoon to twirl pasta; in America, it’s common.
  • Etiquette can adapt to setting and company.

Proper Use of Utensils – The “Clock” Rule

• [12:49]
  • Resting position: Place utensils at 2 o'clock on the plate.
  • Finished position: Place at 5 o'clock, in the order set at table.
  • Never put a used utensil back on the table ([14:48]).

Following the Host’s Lead

• [16:46, 17:27]
  • Watch the host for cues on when to proceed, whether bringing drinks to the table or heading to the buffet.
  • “Follow the lead of the host” is a recurring theme.

Seating Arrangements & Place Cards

• [18:30, 19:48, 20:05]
  • Place cards show guests they’ve been thoughtfully placed.
  • Preferred: Hosts/hostesses at heads of the table; alternate couples for conversation, but not rigidly “boy-girl.”
  • Seat guests of honor to the right (most honored) and left (second most honored) of the host.

Personal Items at the Table

• [22:18]
  • No phones or purses on the table. Small purses? Behind your back or under your napkin. No bags on the floor if possible.

Soup Etiquette & Food to Mouth

• [23:53, 24:19]
  • Soup is the only food eaten "backwards"—spoon away from you ("scoop out to sea").
  • Always bring food to your mouth, not your mouth to your food.
  • Napkin comes to your mouth, not your face down to the plate ([25:00]).

Napkin Rules

• [26:45, 27:26]
  • If you leave mid-meal, napkin goes on your chair (not the table). At meal’s end, napkin goes neatly left of your plate.

Exiting a Prolonged Dinner

• [28:02]
  • No need for an elaborate excuse; thank your host warmly and leave after dessert.

Bread and Butter – The Ceremony

• [30:21, 31:11]
  • Break off small pieces, butter individually, never eat a roll like a sandwich.
  • In casual settings, break bread inside the basket, place on your plate rim.

Grooming at the Table – Don’ts

• [33:27]
  • Never apply lipstick or check your teeth at the table; grooming happens in the bathroom.

Discreet Corrections – Food on the Face, Open Fly

• [34:40, 71:34]
  • Discreetly inform someone if they have food on their face or their fly is open.
  • Quote: "You need to be kind and love the people with us enough to let them know..." – Elizabeth [34:40]

Serving Protocol & Beginning to Eat

• [35:58]
  • Wait for the host/hostess to sit and begin eating or signal the start, regardless of buffet or plated service.

Gendered Table Manners – Standing, Seats, and Chairs

• [37:21–38:16]
  • Men traditionally stand to greet/seat women; Elizabeth encourages women to stand and greet as well.
  • These traditions can and should be adapted to the setting and company.

Toasts – When & Who

• [40:29, 41:03]
  • Toasts are beautiful gestures. The host should make the first toast, usually early in the meal.
  • If the host doesn’t, a guest can at dessert or later.

Conversation at the Table – Avoiding the “Ping Pong” Trap

• [43:30]
  • Guests are responsible for engaging both dinner partners (left and right), not just one.
  • Preparation—come with questions; balance the conversation.
  • For kids: Games incentivizing asking adults questions can help build conversational skills.

Children & Etiquette

• [49:41, 50:51]
  • Start early: Encourage self-introductions, eye contact, expressing gratitude, setting the table, and frequent use of "please/thank you."
  • Policy: One gift, one note—for every gift received, a thank you note is written.

Addressing Adults—Mr./Mrs./Ms. vs. First Names

• [53:02–57:38]
  • Regional differences (South vs. North/West). Default to Mr./Mrs. + last name unless an adult requests otherwise (“Ms. Nancy”).
  • Respect adult preference but encourage respect and formality with your own family’s standards.

Handling Other Children’s Poor Manners

• [57:55]
  • In public, avoid correcting non-family children; after, discuss expectations with your own kids.
  • State your house rules gently (“In our family, we sit through dinner”).

Phone Etiquette – Timing & Speakerphone

• [60:29]
  • Call between 8am–9pm; avoid weekends unless truly necessary.
  • Teach phone etiquette intentionally (use a landline for skills practice).
  • Always announce if someone is on speakerphone and who else is present.

Travel & Airplane Etiquette – Be Aware of Others

• [66:26, 67:13, 67:56]
  • Default to thoughtfulness: offer armrests, check before reclining, use headphones, clean your space.
  • Thank the crew and pilots after a flight.
  • If you need to address an issue (e.g., noise, disruptive seatmate), do so gently, or ask a flight attendant to intervene.

Bodily Functions – Address or Ignore?

• [70:30]
  • “Excuse me” is always polite, but moving along and ignoring is acceptable—discretion rules.

Tipping & Holiday Gifts

• [72:18–78:18]
  • Tipping has proliferated; main categories: travel (taxi, valet), food service, salons.
  • 20% is standard in the US for restaurants and similar services.
  • For coffee: $1/drink, not percentage.
  • Holiday tipping: One week’s pay for babysitter/landscaper; a month for nanny; gift with note for mail carriers/delivery (check local restrictions).
  • Teachers: Not a “tip,” but a gift (preferably pooled, practical, with a note from the child).

Dietary Restrictions & Picky Eating

• [78:36]
  • If you don’t like a food, don’t call attention to it—just don’t eat it.
  • With allergies/restrictions, inform the host as early as possible and, if necessary (e.g., celiac), bring your own food.
  • Hosts should make a reasonable effort but are not expected to accommodate every restriction.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “It is imperative to always have something in your hands when you walk into the home of someone else to show your appreciation…”
  – Elizabeth [02:24]

• “I’m a huge fan of handwritten notes and I think it’s a lost art... We don’t send enough of these.”
  – Elizabeth [07:03]

• “The heart of etiquette is putting others first.”
  – Elizabeth [66:26]

• “We are human. These things happen.” (on burping/passing gas)
  – Elizabeth [70:44]

• “There’s no phones on the table... I love parties where phones are left in a basket by the front door.”
  – Elizabeth [23:25]

• “As a guest at a dinner party, it is our responsibility to include both the person on your right and your left... Conversation is an art.”
  – Elizabeth [43:30, 45:11]

• Leslie: “This is, by the way, one of the greatest urban dinner party stories of all time.”
  – [42:21]

• “Follow your host, always try to be polite and kind, and sometimes you just have to feel it out in the moment.”
  – Leslie [82:45]

Timestamps for Important Topics

• Hostess gifts & what to bring: [02:23]
• Thank-you notes: [06:22]
• Table setting basics: [09:31]
• Place settings for different cuisines: [11:38]
• Utensil resting/finished position: [12:49]
• Following the host’s lead: [16:46]
• Seating arrangements & place cards: [18:30–20:05]
• Personal items/phone etiquette: [22:18]
• Soup & bread protocol: [23:53, 30:21]
• Grooming at the table: [33:27]
• Conversation at dinner: [43:30]
• Teaching kids etiquette: [49:41, 50:51]
• Addressing adults/Ms., Mr., Mrs.: [53:02–57:38]
• Phone etiquette & speakerphone: [60:29, 65:03]
• Airplane etiquette: [66:26–67:56]
• Tipping & holiday gifts: [72:18, 75:51]
• Allergies/picky eating: [78:36]

Takeaways

• Express gratitude before, during, and after any event—always bring something, and always send a note.
• Adapt etiquette to your context and company, always with an underpinning of awareness and kindness.
• Prepare children (and yourself) to interact with confidence, clarity, and courtesy—these are lifelong skills.
• Don’t sweat mistakes—etiquette evolves, and striving for respect and grace is always the priority.

For more resources, visit mannerly.com for Elizabeth’s etiquette classes and notecards. For show notes and products mentioned, see Leslie’s Substack.