The Intimate Philosopher Podcast

Through Absence, Toward Presence

Feb 25, 202500:03:42Tap to summarize

Ever since November, I’ve neglected The Intimate Philosopher. To be fair, part of that was due to launching the rebrand of my therapy practice, Soliloquie LLC, an unplanned office move (that, thankfully, worked out for the best), and the weight of supporting my therapy clients through yet another unprecedented—and, quite frankly, frightening—time in our country.For a space dedicated to presence in relationship, I was fully absent. And for that, I want to acknowledge both my own disappointment and the patience of those of you who have stuck around. I’m deeply grateful for you.The truth is, I’ve missed writing and recording for you all. And I feel ready to return. Stepping away has given me time to reflect on the finiteness of energy, the preciousness of time, and what it really means to create sustainably. I hope those lessons will help me build a more consistent and nourishing rhythm moving forward.So what’s next? We’re getting back to exploring relationships in all their nuance. In the coming weeks, I’ll be diving into topics like how to support a partner who is beginning their trauma healing journey and how to rebuild trust after a breach. I’m also excited to bring you conversations with thought leaders in the healing and relationship space—people whose insights I know you’ll find just as compelling as I do.Thank you for being here. I can’t wait to continue this journey with you.DisclaimerYes, I am a therapist. But I’m not your therapist. Think of this as a love letter to growth, not a therapy session. I’m here to offer ideas, not diagnoses. If something here stirs something in you, take it as an invitation—to reflect, to seek support, to explore what’s possible with someone who is able to offer you support in a fully customized and confidential manner. Get full access to The Intimate Philosopher at emmasmithphd.substack.com/subscribe

Transcribe →

The Business of Being in a Relationship

Nov 24, 202400:11:49Tap to summarize

NOTE: It’s worth noting here, that I am using the language of marriages because the wedding industry is something that is measurable in terms of money. That said, I am also talking about committed romantic or sexual relationships of all types.Recently, a dear friend and gifted entrepreneur made a recommendation for a book on expanding small businesses. He knows this past year has been transformative for me in many ways and is eager to help me succeed. I am grateful for the help. And since when would I ever turn down a nonfiction book recommendation? In reading the book, along with several others, I’ve come to appreciate the tender loving care, time, attention, problem-solving, and commitment it takes to run a successful business. I’ve also come to appreciate that it’s nearly impossible to do entirely on your own. Successful businesses don’t just happen by accident.It got me thinking—What if people invested in their relationships the way they do business?Several years ago, I listened to a podcast where the host said that the wedding industry back then was in the hundreds of billions of dollars. The most recent figures I could find were from a 2019 article (link) that estimated the amount spent worldwide to be around 300 billion dollars. Just in the US alone, the market value of the wedding industry in 2020 was around $160.4 billion and is predicted to grow to $413.98 billion by 2030 (link). The average cost of a wedding (for those wondering) is somewhere around $30,000.I’m sorry, but that’s an awful lot of money to spend on something that – if you’ll remember from my last article – has a 50/50 chance of success. Yeesh!On the other side of things, the divorce industry is estimated between $50 billion a year (more conservative number) and a startling $175 billion (link). And the average divorce in the US costs on average between $15,000 – $20,000.And when problems do arise in their relationships, it seems people are reticent to seek help. How reticent? In a recent lecture I attended, the instructor told us that couples often wait 7 years to seek help in their relationships. Imagine starting a business, and frontloading a ton of money to get your business open. And then doing absolutely nothing to fix the problems for SEVEN YEARS.This is even more tragic considering that several research studies, including one from the NIH (link) found that the average person who receives couples therapy is better off than 70%–80% of people who don't receive treatment. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (link) shared that almost 90% of clients who attended couples therapy reported an improvement in their emotional health. Clients also reported improvements in their physical health, and functioning at work. Over 75% of people also reported an improvement in their relationship. Despite these numbers, the couples counseling services market size was valued at $ 3.5 Billion in the United States 2023 and $16.22 billion worldwide. That’s a tiny fraction of both the wedding and divorce industries.But why?And they lived happily ever after…There’s something deeply personal and vulnerable about asking for help—especially when the cultural mythos of relationships is watered down to “And they lived happily ever after.” Maybe that’s why we’re willing to invest so much into weddings and divorces, but still don’t find adequate value in investing in the middle part of relationships.But to go back to our business analogy, if you were to ask any small business owner if once the opened their business, they lived “happily ever after” – I’m pretty sure they would just burst laughing. Of course not! There are so many problems, and learning curves to navigate. It’s just part of the game, they might say.So why do we expect something so different in our relationships?“But we’re doing well.”Moreover, You don’t just invest in a business when there are problems, right? No. Of course not. I know so many entrepreneurs who continually invest in their businesses. And the more success they experience, the more they are willing to invest going forward. Growth is exciting and exponential.And yet, when I recently told a couple about the marriage workshop I was hosting in December, one of the partners looked at me and said, “But we’re doing well!”“That’s wonderful,” I replied with sincerity.“And it’s not just for folks who are having trouble. Investing in a relationship that is already healthy is one of the ways you can ensure continued health.”“Oh— Huh. I guess I never thought about it like that,” she said.So while running your marriage like a business might sound like the least sexy analogy out there, I think it makes a lot of sense. Drs. John and Julie Gottman are fans of the phrase, “small things often” when referring to the thoughtfulness and care we show our partners. It’s the same way we constantly do small upgrades in our businesses.If you’re interested in learning more about some of the best practices and internal supports available to help you build your relationship in the direction of success— My partner and I are hosting a workshop series in December that is specifically tailored to this very thing. You’ll come out understanding the structure and mechanics that keep a relationship connection strong. If skills are what you’re lacking, it’s way more efficient than couples therapy.Actually, I got trained in hosting these workshops because I got tired of having to teach 1 couple at a time the same principles that can benefit almost any kind of relationship. And while it isn’t a replacement for couples therapy, it’s like a jump start to any of the work you may do later—if you even need it. Sometimes the tools are enough.You’ll come out with some really useful knowledge about how to manage stress together, navigate conversations around solvable problems—those things like whether or not someone leaves the toilet seat up—and the more serious problems that seem to keep popping up over and over again. We’ll even teach you how to conduct relationship check-ins that keep you feeling like you’re on the same team and doing life together.Either way and especially from an investment perspective – the workshop is WAY cheaper than even just 2 couples therapy sessions. And I mean, in two couples therapy sessions, we’re not even getting past the intake.I truly believe that investing in the health and growth of your relationship, much like in business, is one the best things that you can do to keep your selves healthy and strong.If you want to know more, you can click the link or go to https://soliloquie.co/7pworkshop. Use the code BLACKFRIDAY and get $100 off the cost of registration!If you can’t make this upcoming workshop, stay tuned because there will be more opportunities to join on the horizon. Links: https://soliloquie.co/7pworkshophttps://www.eventbrite.com/e/1090207513019?aff=oddtdtcreatorhttps://finance.yahoo.com/news/15-countries-spend-most-weddings-005546456.htmlhttps://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10087549/https://www.hawaiibusiness.com/divorce-is-big-businesshttps://www.dashhudson.com/blog/wedding-industry-statisticshttps://www.aamft.org/About_AAMFT/About_Marriage_and_Family_Therapists.aspx Get full access to The Intimate Philosopher at emmasmithphd.substack.com/subscribe

Transcribe →

The Gift of Impermanence

Oct 31, 202400:12:01Tap to summarize

I’m late publishing this piece this month because, ironically, I couldn’t find the space to be present for it. This mental exhaustion, however, got me thinking about impermanence and presence.In the US, over 50% of first marriages end in divorce. The number rises to 65% in second marriages, and for third marriages, 75%. If one of those subsequent marriages (the 2nd or 3rd) is to someone who entered the picture as an extra-marital affair partner, the odds immediately jump to above 80%. It’s a fascinating phenomenon, and one I will surely write about in the future. For the sake of our current conversation, however, let’s stick with first marriages.The “So What?” is that relationships are inherently impermanent due to our human condition. So maybe looking at the manner in which a marriage ends isn’t the most important thing to consider. Get full access to The Intimate Philosopher at emmasmithphd.substack.com/subscribe

Transcribe →

Presence in Relationships

Sep 11, 202400:06:55Tap to summarize

Presence in relationships is such a curious thing. When we first meet someone we’re attracted to, we are drawn to them with such a magnetic force that it seems effortless to do what others (perhaps even past partners) have asked us to do: “Put the phone down.” “Talk to me.”The mystery of this other person enraptures us. And if the things we find— we like— our intrigue is high. We crave more and can’t get enough. Our thirst for them is unquenchable. In the polyamory community, the term used to describe this feeling is “NRE” or “new relationship energy.” Love is a drug— well, actually, NRE is a drug. But more on that another time.Love StoriesOur brains love stories and fantasy. At the beginning of a relationship, we know very little about a person— just enough to tell us we want to know more. The nuggets we unearth in our discovery get put on a storyboard or timeline in our minds. Imagine a long string with pictures clipped to it and many gaps in between. But our brains don’t just love a story, it loves a story arc— a complete narrative. So what do we do? We unconsciously fill in the gaps with the best interpretation or version of how the person got from Point A to Point B to Point C and so on. Over time, as more snapshots get added to the mix, our fantasy narrative has to be revised. And revised. And revised some more. “Why can’t you be more like the person I made up?” NRE can last anywhere between 6-27 months, but in the end, even in the best-case scenarios, we’re all left with the same thing— a regular human with plenty of things we like about them and a few dents and scratches. I think presence in our relationship - at least to some extent has to do with how we handle our partner’s dents and scratches— and how we deal with our own. How often do couples land in my office, and the underlying question is, “Why can’t you be more like the person I made up?” One of the realities of moving beyond NRE and into a more grounded and secure love is that we have to love our partner’s actual story.Recently, I shared what I was contemplating with a friend, whom, upon hearing the analogy of dents and scratches, replied warmly, “Most people’s favorite things are worn.” She’s not wrong. If I asked you — and I am— to picture your most meaningful and precious possession, I’m guessing it’s not a trinket you bought last week. Endearment requires attachment. Deep, secure attachment almost always requires time. But Where’s the Passion?But what then of passion— the alchemy that draws us to one another and promises to awaken new possibilities? Is it just doomed to fade?“Love promises relief from aloneness; it also heightens our dependence on one person.” - Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity, page 10Well— yes and no. As Perel explains, the early eroticism and passion we feel at the beginning of a relationship give way to the security and comfort we seek. We want to hold on to the rush of being in love— so we do things to make it feel more secure. Love is scary and we try to tame our own fears by trading tiny bits of freedom for the sake of connection. From cell phone plans, to moving in together to the now infamous “couples facebook page”— we’re desperate to figure out how to make love stay. Too much security, however, dampens desire. Eroticism thrives on the unknown and enigmatic. But attachment and connection thrive on intimacy. It’s no wonder people struggle with sex and claiming their hotness in some great relationships, while others fuck with vigor in those best described as “dumpster fires.”So what are we to do?First off, we might as well start by acknowledging that permanence is just as much of a fantasy as the story we initially made up about our partners way back when. We live in a society where the divorce rate is well over 50% for first-time marriages, and it only goes up from there. But really, divorce is just a formalized form of rejection and dissolution. Less official forms, like rebuffs and criticism, are also deeply painful. And then, of course, there’s death. Suffice it to say that the odds are never in our favor when it comes to permanence in relationships. And for what it’s worth, I actually think that's a good thing. Or at least a useful one. Uncertainty and impermanence can help reorient ourselves to our partners in new ways. There is always more to know. Try This at HomeThis is one of my favorite exercises to try. Imagine your partner standing in line at Starbucks (or the local coffee shop of your choice). Someone else —the same gender and sexual orientation as you— is standing behind them, observing your partner for the very first time. What is the story that person is telling themselves about your partner?Where do you imagine their gaze will land first? Where will it travel from there? What will they notice when your partner gives their order to the barista? What would happen if that was the story you told yourself about your partner?What would happen if you flirted with that version of your partner later today? What obstacles could you remove that would allow your partner to also occupy that headspace (e.g., throw in a load of laundry, feed the dog, pack the kids’ lunch for tomorrow)? I hope you’re able to give this a try today! Get full access to The Intimate Philosopher at emmasmithphd.substack.com/subscribe

Transcribe →

The Intimacy of Presence

Aug 19, 202400:09:46Tap to summarize

Welcome to "The Intimate Philosopher: Reflections on Life, Presence and Passion" a space where existential and phenomenological philosophy meet the nuances of intimate relationships. It is a collection of philosophical essays, personal reflections, lit reviews, and therapeutic insights.The Intimacy of PresenceIn this first “real” post, I want to welcome you to a journey into the intersection of existential philosophy and intimate relationships. Our exploration will dive into the concepts of life, presence, and passion. To start, I want to take a look at presence, a central theme in both philosophical thought and personal connections.What is Presence?Often, we talk about presence in terms of physical proximity. This isn’t wrong, and it’s so much more than just proximity. Presence is about connection and engagement, being mindful in our experiences. Presence is possible when we meet another person in a context absent of three things: 1) distraction, 2) agendas and 3) judgment (which, in our case, we could also call critical thinking). Several of my favorite philosophers, Rollo May, Martin Heidegger, and Maurice Merleau-Ponty explored presence as a core element of human existence. They highlight how our understanding of ourselves comes from being-in-relationship with the world. As we go forward, you’ll notice that the words ‘with’ and ‘in’ are quite important in this type of philosophy. If presence is about connection and engagement, we have never had more ability to be connected than we are now and globally. And yet, social psychologists tell us that we’re battling a crisis of loneliness. And I would add— a significant lack of presence. I was in session not too long ago (that’s therapist-speak for meeting with a client) talking about presence. I mentioned that presence required a cessation of distraction, agenda, or judgment. He let out something between a half-chuckle and a sigh, looked down, and shook his head. “That’s my whole life,” he said. And he wasn’t wrong— He’s also in good company with most of the rest of us much of the time. Remember those words with and in that I just said were so important? Compare those words to how we engage online— we @ at people. We tag others so they can “@” at other people with us. And even if we have a follow-up conversation with the person we tagged or “@-ed,” it may happen in the margins of an otherwise full and busy day (distraction), be aimed at persuading them (agenda), or examining our view of them in light of this latest interaction (judgment). Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with this kind of engagement— hell, I’ll be the first to admit it’s necessary. But it’s not allowing us to be present with each other in a way that is also profoundly important. Presence means stopping all distractions, agendas, or judgments. We can talk another time about what a healthy proportion of the aforementioned plus presence would actually look like. But for now, I will assume your scales are tipped heavily toward distraction, agenda, and judgment. That’s not because there’s anything wrong with you— that’s just how it is these days - the default setting, if you will - unless you try to do something different. And it doesn’t have to be very long— maybe just for 1 minute, 30 seconds, or even 10. Whatever amount is greater than zero is a step in the right direction. And we’ll start with you.Presence in Relationships starts with “I”In our intimate relationships, presence fosters deeper connection and understanding with ourselves, our partners, and our friends. By cultivating mindfulness and engaging with and in the moment, we enhance our ability to connect in meaningful, authentic ways. There are plenty of ways to practice presence in your relationships. However, we’ll start with your longest relationship— your relationship with you. As I’ve told hundreds of clients over the last 10 years, when it comes to making change, “Start where you stand…” The ExerciseTake off your smartwatch. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb, or better yet, airplane mode. Get someplace quiet and comfortable.* Put your hand on your heart and close your eyes softly.* Breathe in and say to yourself, “Be here now.” Say it as an invitation rather than a command. * Exhale. Notice the difference in how your body feels when it is full of air and when it is empty.* Breathe in again and repeat the invitation, “Be here now.” * And then exhale. Do you notice any resistance? If you do, that’s okay. Notice it, and try again. Just one more time. * Inhale. “Be here now.” * Exhale. Take stock of how you feel. Is it different than three breaths earlier? I’ll venture to guess that it is. Three breaths. That’s all it was. And yet, for many of us, it’s exponentially more challenging to do, than it seems while reading or listening from the sidelines. Being with ourselves is, in a word, difficult. And if you grew up in a paradigm — like so many of my clients— where you were taught that your inner voice was a source of temptation or evil, it can be downright terrifying.You may be wondering, “But what if my mind wanders?” Of course, it’s going to wander. That’s what minds do. Notice when it wanders and bring it back to your breath. One enlightened soul whose name escapes me said, “That’s the important part. The bringing it back.” (I think it might have been The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. You might also be asking, “But why is it so difficult?”Well, there are many reasons. One of the simplest is because our society has made up entire industries designed to keep us from being present: social media, pornography (for our purposes, I’m referring to the ones made by consenting adult actors, of course), drugs, alcohol, and even sex itself. We can also ‘pervert’ things like books, music, food, and exercise into barriers for presence. None of these things — yes, even the porn — are bad in an objective conceptual sense. The way they are used, however, makes all the difference. So What’s This Have to Do With Relationships?Well, we’re getting there. In future posts, we’ll also explore being in a relationship with others. The internet tells me that most people are only good for about 800 words, and I’m well past that as it is. Thank you for joining me on this journey. I look forward to next time.Extra Credit:Oh alright. For those of you who want to take it a step further and in the direction of the bedroom, do the exercise I described before. But do it in front of the mirror. Naked. You can do it super up-close so that you can only look into your own eyes. Often, people report “feeling silly” when they try to do something like this. Let me offer you a different interpretation: Sometimes, we say we feel silly or dumb or [insert favorite self-deprecating adjective here] when we feel vulnerable.The naked version of this exercise is fascinating because many times, people find it easier to have their performance of nakedness observed by others than to be truly naked and present (aka unarmored) with themselves. But let’s save that discussion for next time. Get full access to The Intimate Philosopher at emmasmithphd.substack.com/subscribe

Transcribe →

Welcome to the Intimate Philospher (Podcast Edition)

Aug 13, 202400:03:55Tap to summarize

What drives an essentially offline personality with just 1,200 Instagram followers—who struggles with captions and values nuance over brevity—to start a Substack?Hi! I’m Dr. Emma Smith.Despite my occasional missteps with social media, I've always enjoyed writing. My mother once told me, “Writing is just painting a picture with words,” when I struggled with my fourth-grade book report. That simple framing turned a daunting task into something not just doable but fun. In college, I started out as an accounting major but quickly found my home in the Philosophy department. The chance to study and write about knowledge and truth, Greek poetics, and big, wonderful, sometimes terrifying abstract thoughts on the very nature of existence was too unique an opportunity to squander.Over the years, I’ve been fortunate enough to find several outlets, some of them paid, for my writing. I’ve written for a marriage website and an online magazine and have been quoted in several online and print publications. I’ve edited colleagues' work for free and helped students conceptualize their writing as well. Yet, nothing ever felt good enough to pursue.And then, I wrote my dissertation.My dissertation was a hermeneutic phenomenological study, and there were several points when my Chair had to remind me that I was writing a research paper, not a philosophical treatise. Applying Heidegger’s hermeneutic phenomenology brought me alive as both a scholar and a person, firing synapses and expanding my worldview. This experience cemented my passion for exploring the way we interpret and assign meaning to our experiences—an approach that now deeply influences my work in individual and couples therapy.The goal of this Substack is simple: to write about intimacy and relationships through a philosophical lens. For years, I saw the world differently and thought it was because I was just… different or broken. That belief kept me small. But over the last few years, I've realized that this difference in perspective is my strength—my secret sauce. This Substack is where I’ll share that perspective with you.SubscriptionsSubscriptions to my Substack are free, giving you access to 99% of my posts. Paid subscriptions, priced at just $5/month (or $50/year), are optional—a way to say 'cheers' across the internet if you enjoy my writing and want to support more of it. The perks are simple: 1) exclusive posts, 2) the ability to post comments, and 3) the satisfaction of helping me justify my philosophy degree.AccessibilityI’ll include an audio format for each post. Substack will treat it like a podcast, but it’s really just me reading the content aloud for those who prefer listening or find audio more accessible. Accessibility is important to me—I once interned at a school for children with dyslexia, so this is near and dear to my heart.This Substack is a passion project—a much-needed outlet for someone who may never master short-form posts. I hope you'll join me on this journey by subscribing, whether for free or with a little extra support. Get full access to The Intimate Philosopher at emmasmithphd.substack.com/subscribe

Transcribe →

All episodes

Through Absence, Toward Presence

The Business of Being in a Relationship

The Gift of Impermanence

Presence in Relationships

The Intimacy of Presence

Welcome to the Intimate Philospher (Podcast Edition)

The Intimate Philosopher Podcast

All episodes

Through Absence, Toward Presence

The Business of Being in a Relationship

The Gift of Impermanence

Presence in Relationships

The Intimacy of Presence

Welcome to the Intimate Philospher (Podcast Edition)