← The Jamie Kern Lima Show
The Jamie Kern Lima Show
Mel Robbins: How to Make Your Habits Stick! The Secrets to Resetting Your Habits and Your Life That Actually Work!
00:58:07
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- [00:00]
Jamie Kern Lima
How do you make habits stick? Especially for people who have tried and.
- [00:04]
Mel Robbins
Failed over and over and over.
- [00:07]
Chris Robbins
The only way you make change stick is by. It may surprise you to hear I am not motivated. Motivation is garbage. Jamie. I go through this is so dumb, but this is literally a game changer.
- [00:18]
Jamie Kern Lima
You started crying. Yeah, I said, Mel Robbins is crying.
- [00:21]
Mel Robbins
On the Jamie Kremez Show.
- [00:22]
Jamie Kern Lima
We just got here.
- [00:24]
Chris Robbins
The thing that scares me the most is that our lives go by in just the blink of an eye and we take for granted the time that we have. I don't know a single couple that's been married for a long time that hasn't had that like horrific period in their marriage. And I think what you do in those moments is everything. It's been a really shitty three years. Like, you know, we've gone through a lot of change as a family and Chris and I have been going through a ton of therapy to try to figure out this new phase of life together and to work through a bunch of stuff that went down. And we have been working so hard in therapy to really truly understand each other, to understand the things that we haven't talked about. And this is huge.
- [01:11]
Mel Robbins
Before we jump into this episode, I'd love to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews and one on one conversations with me and you to help you truly believe in yourself, trust yourself and know you are enough so that you can become unstoppable in living your best life. Who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration. Which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one on one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you if you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy and love hitting your inbox. I'm your girl. Subscribe@jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self worth. When you build your self worth, you change your entire life and that's exactly why I wrote my new book Worthy how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you. If you have some self doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life changing results like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self love, unlearn the lies that lead to self doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self doubt and unshakable self worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you@worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out.
- [03:59]
Chris Robbins
With Worthy, Jamie Kern Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life. Jamie Kern Lima Jamie, you're so inspiring.
- [04:11]
Mel Robbins
Jamie Kern Lima Mel Robbins says you can change your life and she will show you how. Mel has one of the most popular podcasts in the world called the Mel Robbins Podcast. She's a New York Times best selling author. She has seven number one audiobooks on audible, billions of views of her videos online, and is one of the most respected experts in the world of mindset, motivation and behavior change thanks to her science backed tools and relatable advice that has impacted the lives of millions of people who follow her across 194 countries. She lives in Vermont with her husband of 26 years, Chris and their three kids. She's also my dear friend, a really great roommate on trips, one of my favorite people to have at slumber parties, and the best wedding singer I've ever had the privilege of hearing in person. Mel Robbins, welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show. So many people call you the queen.
- [05:21]
Jamie Kern Lima
Of motivation and yet you say motivation is garbage. Can you explain that?
- [05:30]
Chris Robbins
Yeah, motivation is garbage and the reason why is it's never there when you need it. Like I think one of my biggest messages don't expect it to be easy. Why are you expecting to feel like going to the gym? Like, just cause you bought a cute outfit, you know to go doesn't mean you're gonna feel like going. And the mistake that I see everyone making over and over and over again is putting all your time and energy into planning for things and getting ready to do things and thinking about things and then not understanding that the moment that it's time to do the thing, you're not gonna feel like doing the thing. And so you're sitting around waiting for that moment to feel ready, to feel like it's perfect, to feel inspired. It's not coming. It's not coming. And just think about how liberating it is if you lived your life with the simple truth that I will never feel like doing the things I need to do, but I'm gonna do them anyway. I am not going to be the kind of person that lets my insecurity or my mood in the moment or how I feel about something right now and all that stuff to override the actions that I need to take in order to become the kind of person that I'd like to become. And you know, this is one of the reasons why I am constantly showing the worst of what I'm dealing with and the worst of what it's like in day to day life, in my own life, to people. Because it may surprise you to hear I am not motivated. I'm very clear about what I want. I'm very clear about the actions I need to take. And I'm very clear that nine times out of 10, I'm not going to want to do it. I don't spring out of bed like a chicken and then lace up my running shoes and then go for a run as if it's some sort of commercial. I drag myself out of bed when I don't feel like it. I go into that bathroom, brush my teeth. I gripe and groan the whole way to the closet where I pick out my tights that are laid on the floor. I even lay my exercise clothes out because I know I don't want to put them on because I don't want to exercise. But you know what? The insecure past me is not going to win because I'm not sitting around waiting to feel like this is going to be a good idea when I wake up in southern Vermont and it's 50 degrees and raining on a January morning. First of all, I'm angry it's not snowing. But secondly, do I feel like going outside and taken the walk that I need to take? Of course not. But I do it anyway. And see, that's the difference. That's the difference between the old me and who I am today. Because the old me was full of excuses. Oh, it's raining. I'm not going. What, are you gonna melt? Give me a break. Oh, you know I'd rather, you know, I feel like having a glass of wine. No, I got stuff I need to do. I used to be completely at the whim of my emotions. And right now, as you're listening, that's your problem. You know what you need to do, you do not feel like doing it. And you know, I get so frustrated because I think that that word motivation is just thrown around like candy. And it's just become like people just pay lip service to it. And if you just flush down the toilet the belief that someday you'll feel ready to do the thing, you'd probably do the thing right now.
- [09:30]
Mel Robbins
How do you. So you do it. You do the thing. How do you make habits stick?
- [09:37]
Jamie Kern Lima
Especially for people who have tried and.
- [09:39]
Mel Robbins
Failed over and over and over?
- [09:42]
Chris Robbins
I give up the belief that it's gonna be automatic. Like, I think all this 21 day stuff is horseshit. Cause if you. And that's not even the research. Like the research is the habit quote becomes something that's a pattern somewhere between like 9 days and 237 days. Habit formation is highly variable. It depends on the actual habit and it depends on the person. And so I think it's easier for me, this is just me personally, I think it's easier to presume that this stuff is never going to become automatically. I think it's easier to presume that I will never like getting out of bed. I will never greet the alarm at 5:15 like some songbird that is summoning me to a beautiful day and that it's okay. And I instead, Jamie, set up tricks and traps to make it easier to not opt out. So I'll give you some examples. When I wake up in the morning, my phone is in the bathroom and the alarm is going off on my phone. Why? Because I don't feel like getting out of bed. But now I don't have a choice because I set a trap for the worst parts of me. The phone is in the bathroom. To get the alarm off, I have to get out of bed. There's an example of making change stick. I'm not relying on emotion and willpower. I've set a trap to make it happen. When I walk into my closet, my clothes are already laid out. Why? Because that's what's called an environmental trigger. First of all, I've just made it easier. I've taken one step out and now I've got a visual reminder. Oh yeah, here we go. No matter what you feel like putting on, this is what you need to put on. When I get into the kitchen right in front of the coffee maker. I used to be the kind of person that would roll out of bed and I would army crawl my way right to that coffee maker. Tap, suck that sucker. Get the caffeine in. Now that I understand the research, I don't do that for an hour or two. So what's sitting right in front of the coffee maker? Cause that's where I will go is my water bottle already filled up and all of the supplements I need to take. Why? Because it is a visual reminder and it is one step taken so that I can make it stick. And see, I believe that most change doesn't stick and we are being sold a fairy tale to think that you can make it stick. The only way you make change stick is by doing it. And if you accept the premise that I am here to offer that some old version of you is always going to be right there in the moment and you are going to have to make that new change stick, then you're not going to fall into the trap of presuming that there's some short, there's some shortcuts, some this, some that, some other thing. Because you can put up all the post it notes in the world. You can put your phone in the bathroom and set the alarm so you have to turn it off. But if you're not willing to do the hard stuff, if you're not willing to push yourself, Jamie, through the excuses, a lot of you will just climb right back in bed with your phone and spend the next hour scrolling. A lot of you will push that coffee maker to the side or that water bottle to the side and make a cup of coffee. A lot of you will see the tights on the floor and notice that it's cold outside and be like me. Not today. I don't feel like it. Okay. Your life, you get to choose. Just don't bitch about it when you don't have what you want. Cause you're not willing to do the work. I told you I was a lot meaner than you are. Jamie will tell you she believes in you and I'll be like, prove it. You want to know when a habit's really easy to make stick, Jamie? When you like it. I could make it a habit real fast of eating ice cream every day after Me too. Dinner. Because I like it.
- [14:04]
Jamie Kern Lima
Yeah.
- [14:05]
Chris Robbins
Cause I like it.
- [14:07]
Jamie Kern Lima
Yeah, it's true. That's fascinating. About how different types of habits can take different number of days, according to the research, to stick.
- [14:17]
Chris Robbins
Yeah. And that was a research study. That was done where they were looking at habit formation and the habit that they were trying to make automatic was the habit of taking a 10 minute walk after dinner. So on its face, not a difficult habit, right? But in terms of the research study, when it became automatic and when you look at the research, what automatic means is that you don't feel resistance to doing it. Like I have zero resistance to making an ice cream sundae, just frickin love that stuff, right? I have a lot of resistance to exercising on a day that I have to lift weights. And so they're looking at how long in terms of trying to repeat something before you stop dreading it. And the other thing that's very interesting, I don't remember the name of the part of the brain, but there's a lot of really interesting research around willpower where they look at a part of your brain and I don't remember the name of it. It's both on the left and right hand side of your brain. But it is the part of the brain that grows when you do something that you don't feel like doing. I'm gonna say it again. It's the part of your brain that grows when you do things that you don't feel like doing. So that might mean that you're somebody that is a writer and every time you sit down and you make yourself write when you don't feel like it, that part of your brain actually grows when you step in the cold plunge when you don't feel like it, that part of your brain grows. But it only grows when you're doing things you don't want to do. And what's fascinating about this, and this is fairly new research, I heard Huberman talking about it the other day and I can't remember the name. I believe it's a female neuroscientist that's doing the research around this, that when they look at people that live very long lives, that part of the brain is larger. And so they now are starting to believe that it's not really about willpower, it's about the will to live and forcing yourself through that resistance to try new things, to do things that you don't feel like, to push yourself, that that is tied to you living a long and amazing life. And it makes sense because human beings are designed in every aspect to grow. And if you turn inward and you say to yourself, what are the things that I want to outgrow in myself? What are the things that I really want to learn or that I've been afraid to do or what is something that I could do today that I don't feel like doing? That singular commitment to yourself to just push yourself to do something that feels hard, that has a material impact on who you are as a person. And what the science says is it has an impact on how long you.
- [17:34]
Mel Robbins
Live with habits to stick.
- [17:38]
Jamie Kern Lima
Just. I want to make sure I understand this right for everyone listening.
- [17:41]
Mel Robbins
Because sometimes people go, oh, I heard it takes this long for a habit to stick.
- [17:45]
Jamie Kern Lima
And then they don't know why it.
- [17:46]
Mel Robbins
Hasn'T stuck for them.
- [17:47]
Jamie Kern Lima
And the example that you explained about the definition of how, you know, when do you get to that point where there's no more resistance?
- [17:55]
Mel Robbins
Right. So it makes perfect sense that if.
- [17:58]
Jamie Kern Lima
We want a new habit that we.
- [18:00]
Mel Robbins
Actually like, and let's say we love doing a morning walk, well, it might stick sooner than something that may take a very long time. Because you have a lot of resistance toward it.
- [18:10]
Chris Robbins
Yeah.
- [18:11]
Mel Robbins
So to be patient with yourself.
- [18:12]
Chris Robbins
Yes. And a couple other things. Because I can give you the research around how to accelerate the feeling that it's not that hard anymore. Cause if you really think about what.
- [18:26]
Mel Robbins
A habit is, tell me more.
- [18:27]
Chris Robbins
Yeah.
- [18:27]
Mel Robbins
Because I've got some habits to break.
- [18:29]
Chris Robbins
Well, you know, we're not robots.
- [18:31]
Jamie Kern Lima
Yeah.
- [18:33]
Chris Robbins
And I think a lot about habits as just patterns that you repeat. That's what a habit is. And right now you have a habit of, for example, when you pull your pants on, what leg do you put in your pants? First you have to stop and think about it.
- [18:51]
Mel Robbins
Right.
- [18:52]
Chris Robbins
Why? Because you've actually automated that pattern. Now, when you're teaching one of your kids how to do it right now, it's tedious because they're having to train their right or left foot, whatever the pattern ends up being, and the motor pattern of doing that until they learn it so that they don't have to think about it anymore. I don't have to think about operating my coffee machine. I know how to do it without thinking about it. I don't have to think about brushing my teeth. I know how to do it without thinking about it. There's a lot of thinking involved with getting to the gym. Do you notice that? Because you have certain feelings about it. I don't ever roll up to my bathroom counter and go, I don't feel like brushing my teeth this morning. I just do it. And so I want you to really simplify what it means to create a habit. It means that you have trained your mind, body and spirit that this is a pattern that we do, and that you don't throw an adult temper tantrum about doing it. That's it. And so when we're talking about making it stick, what you're actually talking about is teaching your body that this is something that we do, and we don't throw temper tantrums around it. We just do it. And even if I'm kind of tired this morning, I'm still gonna brush my teeth because it's a pattern that I do. So that's really what we're talking about. Okay. And so there are a couple things that make it easier. First of all, let's go back to some of the rules that I've taught you. Human beings only do the things that they feel like doing. And if you are constantly resisting a new pattern of behavior, you have to look at, why do you want this pattern of behavior? If you are trying to get to the gym because you think you should, you never will. There's a lot of research about goals, and why you have a goal is one of the foundational indicators of whether or not you will actually achieve it. And too many of you are thinking that you should do certain things, but you don't have a clue why you want it. See, one of the reasons why I exercise every day, Jamie, is not so that I look good in a bathing suit. It is not so that I weigh a certain thing. The reason why I exercise every single day is because I want to live a very long and a very vibrant life. And I know that what I do right now at 55 will determine, most likely, whether or not, at the age of 90, I can pick up my own carry on suitcase and put it in the overhead bin on an airplane. It will determine whether or not I am the kind of grandparent that can boogie down at a wedding of one of my grandkids. It will determine how long I am able to climb up in the mountains where I live in southern Vermont. And I care about that. And I also care about showing up in the work that I do and showing up with the people that I have in my life and being as present and as focused and as curious and as smart as I possibly can be. And so I understand the direct impact that resistance training and taking a walk outside and taking care of my health will have on the kind of life I want. And that's something that will lower the resistance that you feel, because the reason is bigger than the bullshit in the moment. The second thing that you can do is ask yourself once you know why you want the habit. Because again, if you don't really want to lose weight. Like, there's a lot of you out there that keep going, oh, I really love to have bikini abs and all this bullshit, you know, I'm not willing to do the work, so I really don't want it that bad, do I? So why keep torturing myself? I don't give a shit about flat abs. I don't give a shit that my butt looks like a pancake, you know, when I'm walking around. I don't care because that's not gonna impact what I care about. If you really care about having a bubble butt, then get clear about it and prove it. And so step one, figure out why it matters to you. And it's gotta be deeply personal. Not a should, it's a want. Second thing, ask yourself, how do I make this easier? How can I make this easier? Could you play music that you like? Like, one thing that made exercise super easy for me. Ready? On Sunday nights, Jamie, I go through. This is so dumb, but this is literally a game changer. I take the time, it usually takes about a half an hour, believe it or not, to figure out what my workouts are gonna be for the week. Because I started to realize, okay, I was getting my tights on, and I was getting myself to our gym at the house. But when I got up there, I'd be like, okay, what am I gonna do? Should I get on the treadmill today? Should I stream something? Should I jump on this? And it was in the, like, what should I do? That I literally lost motivation. And I'd futz around up there, and then I'd be looking at social media because I'm trying to find something to stream. Have not made it easier for me. So now that I'm like, on Monday, I'm doing this, on Tuesday, I'm doing that on Wednesday, I'm doing this on Thursday, I'm taking the dogs here. It's planned, and that works for me. So post it notes. How can you make it easier for you? Do not, in any behavior change, do not manage this shit in your head. You will lose. Write it down on a post it note. Stick it in front of your face on your computer. Set an alarm in your phone. You are a busy human being with a lot going on. You cannot manage this stuff in your mind. You will forget. You will forget.
- [25:07]
Jamie Kern Lima
So for everyone listening, right?
- [25:09]
Mel Robbins
So many of us, we have a goal. They've already given up on their goals. And it's.
- [25:12]
Chris Robbins
I'm gonna tell you why. You don't understand why you want it.
- [25:16]
Jamie Kern Lima
So number one, know why you want it with clarity.
- [25:19]
Mel Robbins
Number two, make it easy. Make it easy.
- [25:23]
Jamie Kern Lima
And then three, don't manage it in your head. Yes, don't manage it in your head.
- [25:27]
Chris Robbins
And then number four, and this is huge. You have to celebrate the thing that you did that day. So I don't ever leave the gym without high fiving the mirror because the fact that I actually got there is a big deal. I don't ever kind of finish my. I drink like 8 cups of water a day and I do it in kind of one of those big kind of adult sippy cup watercolors. When I finish, I'm like, good job. You need to high five your way forward because that little bit of praise seals the cycle. And we can dig deeper into the science. But really, you gotta count the wins. You have to. Otherwise you are not going to continue to feel like you want to do it. You got to be your own cheering squad. Like, we put too much praise or we put too much weight in other people celebrating what we're doing. They can't even celebrate themselves. So they're not going to celebrate you in most cases. And when you need celebration is not when you lose the weight. It's not when you land the job. It's when every single day you sit down for what I call the Hot 15 and you spend 15 minutes doing the thing you don't wanna do. Sending the resume. You got one resume out today. Celebrate that. Celebrate it for real. Cause I know how hard that was. And the celebration can just be like, good job. All right, let's go do something else.
- [27:09]
Jamie Kern Lima
When we walked into the studio.
- [27:12]
Chris Robbins
Mm.
- [27:13]
Jamie Kern Lima
Today we had your daughter Kendall's music playing. You started crying.
- [27:18]
Chris Robbins
Yeah.
- [27:19]
Jamie Kern Lima
I said, mel Robbins is crying on.
- [27:22]
Mel Robbins
The Jamie Karn Lima show. We just got here.
- [27:24]
Jamie Kern Lima
Tell me, Mel, about your family, about your kids, about your husband Chris, and the importance of that in your life. We were talking about, you and I talking about time last night and what we'll trade time for and what we really want to do most. And I just have to share. I actually took a photo. I'm going to share it with you. I took a photo of the moment, the moment that you.
- [28:01]
Mel Robbins
That you.
- [28:04]
Jamie Kern Lima
Saw your daughters song being released and her posting about it. Can you talk about that moment and just what your family means to you?
- [28:17]
Chris Robbins
Yeah, I. I'm trying to like, describe this. Look.
- [28:33]
D
There'S so much more coming up in this episode. You are not going to want to miss it. But first, I wanted to share this with you.
- [28:40]
Mel Robbins
In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams, you stay stuck at the level of your self worth. When you build your self worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book Worthy how to believe you are enough and trust transform your life for you. If you have some self doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life changing results like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self love, unlearn the lies that lead to self doubt and embrace the truths that lead that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self doubt and unshakable self worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you@worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy, who you spend time around is so important as energy is contagious and so is self belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration. Which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox each and every Tuesday morning from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one on one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you if you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy and love hitting your inbox. I'm your girl. Subscribe@jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes.
- [31:09]
D
And now more of this incredible conversation together.
- [31:14]
Chris Robbins
I'm just really proud of what I see in this moment is not pride. As a mom, I see so much recognition of how much our daughter Kendall in particular had to push through to release that song and to go for this dream. And I the single most important person in my life other than my relationship to myself is my relationship with my husband Chris and I I just freaking love him so much and that sounds so I don't Know, like, I don't even have the words to describe how grateful I am to have him in my life. And I think the reason why I say that is because he is willing to do the work, to grow together. And it hasn't always been easy. It isn't in any relationship, especially those that go the distance. And we have been working so hard in therapy to really, truly understand each other, to understand the things that we haven't talked about in terms of how our childhoods have affected us and how it affects the way that we show up in the marriage. And I'm experiencing a. I'm trying to figure out how to. How to say this in a way that might. I'm in a really awesome moment with my family because I feel as though all five of us are in this moment where we are stepping into a new version of ourselves. Our son is about to go to college. Our other daughter just traveled through Asia for five months solo as a backpacker, something she had been dreaming of doing for 10 years, saving the money. Things got derailed because of the pandemic, and she quit her job and did it. And now I see her back living home and figuring out what's next, a blank slate. And I see her leaning in. And one of the things that I am very, very, very proud of is that Chris and I took a stance as parents that our job was not to create many versions of ourselves. Our jobs as parents were to figure out how to best support Kendall, Sawyer, and Oakley in becoming who they're supposed to become. And now that we're 24 years into that, and some of the ways that we would do that, just in terms of strategies, is whenever we go to the school kind of meetings, you know, the parent teacher conferences, Never talk grades. Never talk grades. The first question out of my mouth is, describe how they are as a human being. And that sort of focus on how do you treat other people? How do you treat yourself? What do you actually want in your life? What do you care about? What kind of person do you want to be? Those sorts of things are hard to teach. And I'm really proud of the fact that we have built a family where everybody is uniquely their own person. But I don't know. I mean, it feels weird because I feel like I'm bragging. Like, I just. I. The level of emotional engagement is just insane with our family. And I attribute a lot of it to Chris, actually. So my husband, Chris, he had a very traditional career path. Chasing wealth, chasing the next job, chasing the corporate ladder, wanting to kind of be as if not more successful than his dad was. And it didn't. His life didn't turn out that way. The restaurant business did not work out. He nearly bankrupted our family. Had a lot of shame about it. And in that happening, there was this miraculous gift that happened for our family and it was this. Our kids got to witness their parents struggling profoundly. And our kids got to witness a mom and a dad completely reverse roles. And so they grew up with a dad that was home. And the truth is, Chris is a deeply spiritual and caring and grounded human being. He's a meditation instructor. He leads men's retreats called Soul Degree. He is a death doula and does counseling at end of life. And he is about to finish his master's in transpersonal psychology so that he can do integration work with people who are doing the really exciting new psychedelic healing modalities with therapeutic guidance. And so he's a very grounded, amazing, just centered human being. And that is evident in all three of our children because he was the one who was home while I was off racing around like an anxiety ridden lunatic trying to make as much money as possible so that I could get us out of debt. And so I feel very grateful for everything that has happened in our lives, good and bad, because I'm finally at a point, Jamie, where I feel like we're through the crisis of the last 20 years and that the most important thing to me is not missing out on any more of it and being able to be home more. And I think the thing that scares me the most is that our lives go by in just the blink of an eye. And we take for granted the time that we have. And there's this really scary study called the American Time Study that shows that from the moment that your kids turn 18, there is a massive drop, like it falls off a cliff in terms of how often you see them. And then by the time they reach 21, it flatlines and it stays the same for the rest of your life. And from the age of 20 to 60, the people that you see most day to day are the people you work with, not your family, not your partner. And by the time you turn 40, the amount of time that you're going to be spending alone with yourself increases every single year. And so I am acutely aware of the amount of time that is passing by and I sometimes torture myself about it. But I really want to spend as much time with our adult kids as I possibly can. I love them and my husband more than anybody on the planet. And I'm working very hard to keep the phone off me and to be truly present when I am with them.
- [40:12]
Jamie Kern Lima
I remember your face yesterday when you had just gotten off the phone with Chris and you just, like, had this huge smile on your face, and you.
- [40:25]
Mel Robbins
Seemed a little emotional.
- [40:26]
Jamie Kern Lima
And I asked, like, what. What was going on? And you had said, you kind of hinted around things are so good that you, like, don't even want to say.
- [40:37]
Chris Robbins
That out loud, right? I, I, I, I, I'm. It has. It's been a really shitty three years. Like, you know, we've gone through a lot of change as a family, and Chris and I have been going through a ton of therapy to try to figure out this new phase of life together and to work through a bunch of stuff that went down as the restaurant business was failing and as we were both spiraling. And it's interesting because I don't know a single couple that's been married for a long time that hasn't had that, like, horrific period in their marriage. And I think what you do in those moments is everything, because if you're willing to turn toward this person and you're willing to stop complaining about where you're at and remind yourself of the actual heart of the person that you're with, and if they're willing to turn in, too, your relationship in terms of the relationship that results from facing the worst parts of it. So, like, I think about a marriage as three people. It's you, it's your partner, and the marriage is the third person. And if you look at the marriage with open eyes or the relationship that you're in with open eyes, and again, gotta have a partner that's willing to do this, and you're willing to confront the worst about the third person in the room, which is the marriage, the marriage that results from taking responsibility for what doesn't work based on where you are now as individuals and doing the work to confront the worst parts of your marriage and learn how to show up differently so that that third party, the marriage itself, can grow. You will be just blown away by the level of intimacy and connection that you can create. It's easier to be pissed off at somebody. Mm. It's easier to think you know somebody. It's easier to blame it on them and to get stuck in these patterns. But, boy, oh, boy, I want you to consider. You have no clue who you are, and you have no clue who you're married to, and you have no clue what's possible when you're willing to face what's not working.
- [43:33]
Jamie Kern Lima
Do you feel like you love and see Chris for exactly who he is?
- [43:42]
Chris Robbins
I don't know. Because I think it is. I think it's arrogant to think you know somebody. I mean, what you need to know about other human beings is true about all human beings. That we all just want to be seen and we want to feel appreciated for the things that we're doing and we want to feel loved for who we are, not judged for who we are. And presuming that I know him doesn't give him the space to really grow. Like, I know he has a kind heart and I know that he is a thinker and I know that he does acts of service and I know that he is a very spiritual and kind man. But do I really know what he's thinking? No.
- [44:47]
Jamie Kern Lima
I know what he's thinking right now because he wrote a letter for you.
- [44:53]
Chris Robbins
Oh God.
- [44:55]
Jamie Kern Lima
He actually wrote a letter for you, Mel. Sharing what he's thinking and how he's feeling right now.
- [45:04]
Chris Robbins
Oh my God.
- [45:06]
Jamie Kern Lima
And I want to share it with you and ask if you would be okay reading it.
- [45:13]
Chris Robbins
Reading it. Sure. Oh, I'm not going to get through this. Mel. Despite your quick trip away, I wanted you to know that I really miss you. Not a sad or lonely missing, but a joyful, sweet absence. As you know, I have recently been making concentrated and kooky efforts to feel energy around me in the house, in the town, or just walking through the woods. I have been actively trying to sense and feel energetic vibes. Evidently it's working because I find myself more present than ever, feeling the void of your vibrant, happy game on energy. I missed it yesterday while passing by your empty office. Last night around the dining room table, and even right now, knowing you're not sleeping on the other side of my office wall. After almost 30 years, I can truly say with every ounce of my soul, I love you more than ever. And I thank the stars above for giving us the courageous hearts and minds we both needed to weather all the tornadoes and floods and wild fires that have ripped through our time together. Oddly, these beautiful and difficult experiences are what make me so incredibly proud of us. I'm beginning to realize that even the simple act of channeling gratitude is a form of energy. I'm doing that right now for you, with you, around you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. Thank you for being the remarkable source of power and light that you are and for loving me as you do. I can't wait to see. See you on Tuesday. Chris.
- [47:10]
Jamie Kern Lima
When you read that, you Feel wet.
- [47:18]
Chris Robbins
I feel. He talked about energy. And Chris is a very methodical and quiet and introverted person. And he has been trying to bring online more kind of an. Of an. Of a. Like a emoting and like, the. Kind of like, he talked about it, this energetic vibe. And I raise that because what I'm present to is gonna sound really kooky and weird, but there is the physical life and relationship that you have, there's the intellectual life and relationship that you have, and then there's this entirely different dimension to life, this quantum nature of things. And I guess that's why it's hard for me to describe where I am with Chris and with my kids, because I feel that we are bound at this fifth dimension, this quantum realm where from a soul to soul level, I feel that invisible thread that is very real that connects me to the people in my family and to Chris in particular. And so I'm very present to that right now. Like, if you look on your find me and you've got your family, I feel like sitting in this chair, there is this entered energetic field that we are all connected to.
- [49:20]
Jamie Kern Lima
It's like, transcendent.
- [49:21]
Chris Robbins
Mm.
- [49:24]
Jamie Kern Lima
Mel Robbins, Go ahead.
- [49:26]
Chris Robbins
And you can't do that if you're constantly wishing they would change. And you can't do that if you're constantly griping about who they are. And you can't do that until you give another human being the absolute freedom to be exactly who they are and exactly who they aren't. Who?
- [49:52]
Jamie Kern Lima
Mel Robbins, I love you. I am grateful for our friendship. I am grateful for the kind of friend that you are. How you and I were laughing, walking over here. You're like, you're good cop, I'm bad cop.
- [50:10]
Mel Robbins
You're. I'm the angel devil.
- [50:13]
Jamie Kern Lima
This. That I have so much gratitude and just who. Who you are in my life. I have a special gift for you because everyone who comes on the Jamie Kerr and Lima show gets a special gift. And I'm gonna have you open it.
- [50:29]
Chris Robbins
Oh, man. Oh, wow. Okay.
- [50:34]
Jamie Kern Lima
When I think of.
- [50:35]
Chris Robbins
Oh, my God, these are amazing, Jamie.
- [50:40]
Jamie Kern Lima
So what I'm hoping. What I'm hoping you're down for is we each write something, like, right along the line on each other's. And then we switch. And then we switch.
- [50:50]
Mel Robbins
So those are your size.
- [50:52]
Chris Robbins
Oh, my God.
- [50:53]
Jamie Kern Lima
Because I always want to have, you know, words from you on there, and I love them because they actually remind me of you. So when you saw me wearing them today, I was just kind of smiling.
- [51:03]
Mel Robbins
You're like, I like your Shoes.
- [51:04]
Jamie Kern Lima
And I didn't say anything.
- [51:06]
Chris Robbins
They're really incredible.
- [51:08]
Jamie Kern Lima
Okay, so we'll swap for a minute.
- [51:10]
Chris Robbins
Okay.
- [51:11]
Jamie Kern Lima
And just write whatever. Whatever's on your heart, and then we'll swap back.
- [51:16]
Chris Robbins
I just need to warn you, I'm terrible at spelling.
- [51:19]
Jamie Kern Lima
That'll make it better. Something is misspelled that'll make it feel even more special.
- [51:26]
Chris Robbins
You are worthy.
- [51:27]
Jamie Kern Lima
I love it. All right, you. I know what this means.
- [51:33]
Chris Robbins
Huh?
- [51:34]
Jamie Kern Lima
Create a revelation. I know what this means. Oh, I love you. These are so special. Thank you.
- [51:45]
Chris Robbins
I'm putting them on. They fit.
- [51:47]
Jamie Kern Lima
They. I hope they. They're your size.
- [51:49]
Chris Robbins
They sure are. Birkenstock's best be gone. There's some new shoes coming to Vermont, people.
- [51:56]
Jamie Kern Lima
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
- [51:58]
Chris Robbins
I love you. And the one thing I want to say to you quickly.
- [52:00]
Mel Robbins
Yes.
- [52:01]
Chris Robbins
You don't have to do this. And I want to acknowledge the fact that even though you have created a life that anyone could ever dream of, your heart is so huge and your call to serve is so big that you are not stopping. You are going to keep on going because of what you have to give to the world. And I am so proud to call you my friend. I love you.
- [52:44]
Jamie Kern Lima
I love you. Thank you.
- [52:46]
Mel Robbins
I have one more thing to share with you, but before I do, if you got value out of this episode, my only ask is that you please share it. Share it with another person in your life who could benefit from it, post it, and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words and tools and lessons in this episode today. You never know whose life you're meant to change today by sharing this episode. And thank you so much for joining me today. And before you go, I want to share some words with you that couldn't be more true. You, right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy. You're worthy of your greatest hopes, your wildest dreams, and all the unconditional love in the world. It's an honor to welcome you to each episode of the Jamie Kern Lima show here. I hope you'll come as you are and heal where you need and blossom what you choose. Journey toward your calling and stay as long as you'd like because you belong here. You are worthy. You are loved. You are love. I love you and I cannot wait to join you on the next episode. This is the Jamie Kern Lima Show. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self worth. When you build your self worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book Worthy how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you. If you have some self doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life changing results like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self love. Unlearn the lies that lead to self doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome. Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self doubt and unshakable self worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you@worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you'd do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out With Worthy do you struggle with negative self talk? Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting. I know because I spent most of my life in that habit. The words you say to yourself about yourself are so powerful and when you learn to take control over your self talk, it's life changing and I wanted to give you a free resource that I created for you if this is something that could benefit your Life. It's called 5 Ways to Overcome Negative Self Talk and Build self love and it's a free how to guide to overcome that negative self talk to build confidence and develop unshakable self love so that you can dream big and keep going in the pursuit of your goals. Don't let self sabotaging thoughts hinder your progress any longer. It's time to rewrite the script of your life, one filled with self love, resilience and unwavering belief. If you're ready to take charge of your narrative, build unwavering confidence and empower yourself to persevere on the path to your dreams, you can grab your free guide to Stop Overthinking and learn to Trust yourself at jamiekernlima.com resources or click the link in the show notes below.
- [57:02]
D
This show is presented solely for entertainment purposes only. It's not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, psychotherapist, professional coach, or other qualified professional. I hope you enjoyed this episode and conversation together and I am so grateful to be on this journey with you. And did you know for every episode of the Jamie Kern Lima show, there are a set of special prompt questions just for you to help you on your journey of aha. Moments and revelations in your own life. From each episode. Make sure you join my free email newsletter@jamiekernlima.com to get them sent to you each week. And each episode is meant to be evergreen and packed with timeless life lessons so you can go back and listen to past episodes you perhaps haven't heard yet. As we are going on this incredible journey of building self worth and living our best lives together.