Melinda French Gates Reveals All: Life-Changing Lessons on Transitions, Trusting Your Inner Voice & Choosing Yourself! (Even if it’s for the first time ever or the first time in a long time!)

Summary

The Jamie Kern Lima Show: Melinda French Gates Reveals All – Life-Changing Lessons on Transitions, Trusting Your Inner Voice & Choosing Yourself

In this compelling episode of The Jamie Kern Lima Show, host Jamie Kern Lima welcomes Melinda French Gates, a Forbes-listed most powerful woman globally and co-founder of the Gates Foundation. Melinda shares her deeply personal journey of overcoming self-doubt, body image issues, and rediscovering her authentic self. Through heartfelt conversations and insightful anecdotes, both Jamie and Melinda explore profound themes of self-worth, courage, and the power of choosing oneself.

1. Overcoming Body Image and Perfectionism

Melinda begins by addressing her long struggle with body image and the pressure to appear perfect. She reflects on her past beliefs and the impact of a negative college relationship that emphasized physical appearance.

Melinda French Gates [00:30]: “I had a boyfriend in college that really was not a positive relationship for me at all. And he cared a lot about how I looked and said a lot of things about it to me. And that really is not okay.”

This toxic relationship instilled in her a relentless pursuit of perfectionism regarding her weight and appearance, which led to significant anxiety and self-doubt.

2. Learning to Trust and Use Her Voice

As Melinda discusses her journey back to herself, she highlights the societal pressures that often silence women's voices.

Melinda French Gates [01:21]: “Somewhere along the way, I started to lose my voice. Society tells women, you can't be this, you can't do that, or maybe you're not enough, or somebody speaks over you in a meeting.”

Realizing the need to reclaim her voice, Melinda embarked on a path she calls "learning her way back to herself." This process involved not only personal healing through therapy and nutrition but also empowering herself to speak up and advocate for others.

3. Choosing Yourself and Overcoming Doubt

Melinda candidly shares her challenges with social anxiety, particularly in large gatherings, and the conscious effort required to push past doubt.

Melinda French Gates [02:05]: “I don't enjoy big social gatherings. They drain me. Right. I can have doubt going into those. And so I actually have to push myself to do it.”

Jamie empathizes with Melinda's experience, humorously offering to support her in uncomfortable situations:

Jamie Kern Lima [02:23]: “Well, if we're ever in the same ballroom, I'm very happy to hide in the bathroom with you.”

This mutual understanding underscores the importance of support systems in overcoming personal insecurities.

4. The Importance of Role Modeling for Children

Melinda emphasizes the significance of being a role model for her children, advocating for honesty and authenticity.

Melinda French Gates [10:16]: “If I'm saying that to them, I realized I needed to be role modeling it too.”

By embodying the principles she teaches her children about using one's voice and standing up against bullying, Melinda ensures that her actions align with her values.

5. Addressing Imposter Syndrome and Building Self-Worth

The conversation delves into the pervasive issue of imposter syndrome, particularly among women in leadership.

Jamie Kern Lima [17:37]: “Do you feel imposter syndrome in your life anymore?”

Melinda responds by affirming her self-worth and the confidence that comes with experience and self-acceptance.

Melinda French Gates [21:20]: “I deserve to be where I am in life. Like, I've worked really hard to get here, and I know myself… I'm kind of at the point in life where I'm like, take it or leave it.”

She attributes this confidence to reaching a stage where she is comfortable in her skin and no longer seeks external validation.

6. Personal Anecdotes and Moments of Realization

Throughout the episode, Melinda shares relatable stories that highlight her transformation. One poignant moment occurs during her pregnancy, where she negotiated with her doctor about her weight gain, emphasizing health over societal expectations.

Melinda French Gates [26:25]: “There was something about when I got pregnant. I was like, great, I know I'm going to get large. I don't know how large I'll get. It doesn't matter. I was going to grow a baby.”

This experience marked a significant turning point in her acceptance of her body and the shedding of perfectionist tendencies.

7. The Power of Authenticity and Genuine Connections

Melinda discusses the constraints of societal labels and the importance of authentic self-presentation.

Melinda French Gates [24:17]: “I feel like we've benefited so much... but also I feel a bit like we just get to this point where people are throwing all these labels on each other. ... But if I'm my true, open-hearted, authentic self, maybe they'll get a chance to rethink what they think of me.”

Jamie echoes this sentiment, highlighting how labels often reflect others' perceptions more than one's true identity.

8. Encouraging Courage and Continuous Growth

The dialogue concludes with Melinda advocating for courage in the face of discomfort and doubt, reinforcing the idea that stepping out of one's comfort zone fosters personal growth.

Melinda French Gates [13:27]: “You have to find the courage inside yourself… just when you're getting uncomfortable, actually lean forward and do the thing that your doubt is kind of telling you not to do. Cause that's where courage is.”

Jamie and Melinda agree that with practice, leaning forward becomes second nature, enhancing one's confidence and resilience.

Conclusion

This episode of The Jamie Kern Lima Show serves as an empowering guide for listeners navigating their own transitions and self-doubt. Melinda French Gates' candid revelations and practical strategies offer valuable lessons on trusting one's inner voice, choosing oneself, and building unshakable self-worth. By sharing her vulnerabilities and triumphs, Melinda not only inspires but also provides actionable insights for anyone striving to live authentically and courageously.

Notable Quotes:

• Melinda French Gates [00:30]: “I had a boyfriend in college that really was not a positive relationship for me at all. And he cared a lot about how I looked and said a lot of things about it to me. And that really is not okay.”

• Melinda French Gates [02:05]: “I don't enjoy big social gatherings. They drain me. Right. I can have doubt going into those. And so I actually have to push myself to do it.”

• Melinda French Gates [21:20]: “I deserve to be where I am in life. Like, I've worked really hard to get here, and I know myself… I'm kind of at the point in life where I'm like, take it or leave it.”

• Melinda French Gates [13:27]: “You have to find the courage inside yourself… just when you're getting uncomfortable, actually lean forward and do the thing that your doubt is kind of telling you not to do. Cause that's where courage is.”

This episode not only highlights Melinda's personal evolution but also serves as a beacon of hope and guidance for all who seek to overcome their own barriers and embrace their true selves.

Transcript

[Melinda French Gates]

I felt like I needed to be kind of dressed head to toe and look perfect all the time. Now, like, I'm perfectly comfortable going out, maybe too comfortable some days with, you know, not having washed my hair for four days and it's in a ponytail and I'm still going to go out and walk to the store, you know, And I am who I am.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Melinda French Gates, named by Forbes as one of the most powerful women in the world, is here today. And she is revealing life changing lessons on how to hear your own inner voice.

[Melinda French Gates]

I had a boyfriend in college that really was not a positive relationship for me at all. And he cared a lot about how I looked and said a lot of things about it to me. And that really is not okay. It really is not. And I eventually, obviously got out of that relationship, but it took me too long and I inculcated too many of those messages. Boy, when you take that down, that perfectionism around weight and body image you want to talk about, you take that down, you have so much more mind space.

[Unknown]

Yes.

[Melinda French Gates]

It's an anxiety that's in there. Right. I had to work with several different nutritionists and I did some work in therapy, but God, when I took that down, it was like, phew, okay, that feels better.

[Unknown]

How to trust yourself.

[Melinda French Gates]

I started to do what I call learn my way back to myself. Somewhere along the way, I started to lose my voice. Society tells women, you can't be this, you can't do that, or maybe you're not enough, or somebody speaks over you in a meeting.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Was there any part of you that had stopped using your voice in some way?

[Melinda French Gates]

For sure. I'm also telling my three children back then to use their voice in the world and to stay stand up to a bully on the playground and help somebody else if I'm saying that to them. I realized I needed to be role modeling it too.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

And how to choose yourself, I have to coach myself.

[Melinda French Gates]

Quite honestly. I don't enjoy big social gatherings. They drain me. Right. I can have doubt going into those. And so I actually have to push myself to do it. I definitely have doubt before I enter. Like a big say you're going into a ballroom and it's 300 people at tables, you know, And I'm like, ah.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Well, if we're ever in the same ballroom, I'm very happy to hide in the bathroom with you.

[Melinda French Gates]

Okay, good.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

And anytime, that's where you will find me.

[Melinda French Gates]

True. I'm really good at that.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Even if it's for the first time ever or for the first time In.

[Melinda French Gates]

A long time, I deserve to be where I am in life. Like, I've worked really hard to get here, and I know myself. And so I don't if people don't like me or they don't like what I'm saying. I'm kind of at the point in life where I'm like, take it or leave it. Like, if I'm not your cup of tea, that's okay.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

I am so excited for you, for me, for women everywhere right now, because this conversation is just that incredible. I'm literally jumping out of my chair right now. Coming up in this incredible episode.

[Melinda French Gates]

I know some people, I walk in the room, they're like, oh, they instantly think, you know, billionaire. Well, I don't think of myself that way, but what can I do about that? That's what they. They put on me. But if I'm my true, open hearted, authentic self, maybe they'll get a chance to rethink what they think of me. Right?

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Melinda French Gates is a philanthropist, businesswoman, and global advocate for women and girls. She's the founder of Pivotal Ventures, focused on accelerating social progress by removing barriers.

[Unknown]

That hold people back.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

She also co founded the Gates foundation alongside her former husband, Bill Gates. Melinda's brand new book, the Next Day, Transitions, Change, and Moving Forward Forward, is out now. Make sure you pick up your copy right now. It is so good. And in the book, Melinda reflects for the first time on the most significant transitions in her life. From becoming a parent. She's now a mom of three, to the death of a dear friend, to departing the Gates foundation, to deciding to end her marriage. Something over half of us have gone through.

[Melinda French Gates]

Just when you're getting uncomfortable, actually lean forward and do the thing that your doubt is kind of telling you not to do, because that's where courage is.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Like, it becomes your comfort zone. Like, oh, I'm feeling doubt again. I'm gonna actually lean forward. Melinda. Melinda French.

[Melinda French Gates]

Game.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

How are you? Can I hug you?

[Melinda French Gates]

Been to Denny's? Many times.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Have you been to Denny's?

[Melinda French Gates]

Been a long time. But when they were little, they loved Denny's.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Did they really?

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah.

[Melinda French Gates]

The pancakes.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

The pancakes.

[Melinda French Gates]

Yeah.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Everyone's praying it's gonna be good. The amount of time that could have been spent on things that actually matter. This morning in these white jeans, I was like, I see my cellulite, and I already know in my soul, Melinda's not gonna care. I was like, free.

[Unknown]

I was just free.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

And whether today you're listening for yourself or because someone that you love shared this episode with you. I want to welcome you to the Jamie carlima Show podcast family. Thank you so much for being here. And can you take two seconds and do me a favor, please hit the subscribe or follow button on the app that you're listening or watching on. Thank you so much. It truly means so, so much to me and the team that worked so hard to bring you this show. Also this episode. It's not just for you and me. Please share this with every single person that you know, because what you're about to hear can truly impact and change your life and theirs.

[Melinda French Gates]

Jamie Kern Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kern Lima in their life. Jamie Kern Lima.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Jamie Gerso.

[Melinda French Gates]

Inspiring.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Jamie Kern Lima, it is such an honor to say Melinda French Gates, welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show.

[Melinda French Gates]

Thanks for having me, Jamie. It's fun. We can do this.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

I am so excited you're here. And I have to just say right out of the gate, I've read your book cover to cover.

[Melinda French Gates]

Thank you.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

I am so grateful I got to read it early. It is so inspiring. So, so many of us, we go through transitions whether we want to or not. A lot of us are scared of them. But when I read your book, I got full body chills. And also thinking of this conversation today because I think whether it's through reading the book the next day, which is out right now, everyone go grab your copy. Or even through this conversation, I think what I'm so excited about is I just know how many women are going to read your book or hear this conversation and decide to believe that they're worthy of trusting themselves, of listening to their own voice, of even kind of considering like, huh, have I lost myself? Who am I? And you know, my first question is really for every girl and every woman, because you have and you continue to play so many different roles, right from whether it's mom or wife or sister or daughter or boss or world changer. And in the next day, you talk about starting to lose yourself and your voice. And so my first question, that's really on behalf of everyone because we can all relate to this. We've all gone through this in our own way, shape, or form. We all play often so many roles that we're like, wait a minute, who am I? And so how did you find yourself again? And how did you choose yourself?

[Melinda French Gates]

I think you're right. I think a lot of us as women go through this right where and I love your word that we have so many different roles. It's like we have so many different hats and we're changing them all the time. And I know, at least for me, I felt like I so wanted to have kids and I wanted to work at some point. And I knew I would step back from work at first and hopefully go back. I didn't know to what afterwards. But there's something about when you are a new mom and everything's new and you love it and it's hard, but then when you step back into work, at least I was always changing hats. And I felt like I could never give enough time to any one thing right. And so it for me was a process. And I think it was maybe, maybe around 2010 that I started to do what I call learn my way back to myself. Like, I feel like I really knew myself when I left high school. I was very lucky to be in an all girls Catholic high school. So it was very affirming. But then somewhere along the way, I started to lose my voice as I went out into the world. And I think because society tells women, you can't be this, you can't do that, or maybe you're not enough, or somebody speaks over you in a meeting or someone repeats your point. But in 2010, I started to relearn who I was and it was because I was seeing so much in these low income countries. And I realized I wanted to give voice to what those women were telling me. And it took a lot of courage, quite frankly, to voice what these women needed and wanted on the world stage. But the more I started to live into that and to learn and to know it was important, the more it animated my life and the more I felt like I started to be true to myself.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Did you identify a part in them where maybe they weren't able to use their voice? Was there any part of you that had stopped using your voice in some way?

[Melinda French Gates]

For sure. And I kept feeling for them like, oh, I feel bad for them that they don't have their full power, they can't make that decision, or they don't have their voice. But then I had to turn the question back on myself and say, do I have my full voice? Am I really speaking my truth in the world? And here I am raising kids and I really want to be a whole integrated person. But if I'm also telling my three children back then to use their voice in the world and to stand up to a bully on the playground and help somebody else, if I'm saying that to them, I realized I needed to be role modeling it too.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

That's so powerful. Do you feel When I was reading the next day, one of the big takeaways, I think, because so many women are like half. How do I trust my voice? How do I hear my voice? How do I use my voice? Am I worthy of using it? And when you talk about the idea of something bigger than yourself in order to just really kind of focus on that, because so many women go, how do I get unstuck? I don't know if I'm worthy of it. And you talk about this passion of being a voice to so many people who don't have one. And also another bigger. Why is your kids. It's so funny that it's easy for us to tell them all the things. I have two little ones, I have a six year old and a four year old, and it's easy for me to tell them all the things. And they go, well, wait a minute, are they seeing me?

[Melinda French Gates]

Exactly. When you turn that question back on yourself, the answer isn't always pretty, is it? Yeah.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

And it's so much, almost more powerful for them to see that. Because, you know, whether it's like, you know, you can go after your dreams, you can be anything, but then if we're not believing we're worthy of going after our dreams or using our voice, they're gonna see that. And you just mentioned going to an all girls school growing up. So I was gonna ask you that. Cause there is gonna be Melinda. And what I'm so excited about right now is the number of DMs messages that are gonna come in. And so many people ask me about this topic, which is why when I read the next day, I was so passionate about this. Because it's this, I feel like this universal thing where maybe for the first time or the first time in a long time, women are starting to go, well, wait a minute, you know, how, how do I raise my hand? How do I say I want to be in that room or I'm worthy of writing a book or I'm worthy of, you know, launching my own, you know, my own company wearing a CEO title. Any of it. When you made this transition from an all girls school where everyone raised their hand and, you know, you were called on and everything's great and all of a sudden you're at Duke, you're at Duke University. And it's like all colleges just about. It's a free for all, everyone's just speaking up, da, da, da. Throwing out how. Because so many women are going to be making this transition now in their own way, they're going to go to work tomorrow and be like, I'm freaking speaking up on the zoom. I'm going to share my idea finally, even if it's not a hit, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that. How did you learn to go from that certainty of, oh, I'm going to raise my hand and be called on, everything's great, to, oh, I've got to speak up if I'm going to get a word in.

[Melinda French Gates]

Yeah. You have to find the courage inside yourself. And for me, I can look and see other women who've done it and say, I want to be like that. I see her being strong. I see her. How did she get there? And if I can learn her story, her backstory, you start to realize that they didn't just magically appear in that position. They've gone through hardship themselves. And I have to coach myself, quite honestly to lean forward, which is what I tell my friends and my daughters or even my son. If you have doubt, which we all have times of doubt, right. If you have humility, hopefully, if you're a humble person, you can admit you have some doubt at some point. So just when you feel like leaning back, like, ooh, I don't know if I want to do that, that's when you either need to reach out to somebody who can remind you of your worth and. And remind you you deserve to be there and you deserve to speak up, or you gotta find it in yourself and just lean forward. I always say to them, just when you're getting uncomfortable, actually lean forward and do the thing that your doubt is kind of telling you not to do. Cause that's where courage is. And the more you can practice that courage, the more you grow, and I think the easier.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Then it becomes, like, it becomes your comfort zone. Like, oh, I'm feeling doubt again. I'm gonna actually lean forward totally. Instead of leaning back. That is so good.

[Melinda French Gates]

Totally.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

That is so good.

[Melinda French Gates]

You and I talked about earlier, like, that you're an introvert. Right? People think I'm an extrovert, but I'm right on the line. Introvert, extrovert. But I actually fall on the introvert side of the line. And so I don't enjoy big social gatherings. They drain me. Right. And so I can be very. I can have doubt going into those. And so I actually have to push myself to. I don't do it all the time because it's not where I want to be in life, but when it's an important reason and I'm showing Up. I have to say to myself, well, just trust. Trust that you're gonna find someone you know or try and connect with somebody in just a one on one. And by pushing myself to do that, oh, then I can enter that big room. But I definitely have doubt before I enter like a big. Say you're going into a ballroom and it's 300 people at tables, you know, And I'm like, ah, do I know anybody? Right?

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, if we're ever in the same ballroom, I'm very happy to hide in the bathroom with you.

[Melinda French Gates]

Okay, good.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

And anytime, that is where you will find me.

[Melinda French Gates]

True. I'm really good at that.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

We have a mutual friend. I won't say who. And she does that too. And people would never guess because some of us, we can, you know, we're different in different social environments, you know, and some people really like social small talk at cock till they thrive on it. And some people don't. Okay, so talking about that, I'm so grateful and I'm just gonna say this again in reading the next day. It is such a beautiful book because I feel like the through line of humanity, the through line of being a woman, the through line of all the transitions we go through, I feel your heart in it. Like you're open, you're really open in the book. And can you weave that through? And just now for you to share, if you might walk in a ballroom and there's 300 people and you might feel doubt. Do I know anyone? So you sort of like lean in and use that tool, which, by the way, I love that tool. I think so many people are gonna now use that tool. Like, okay, I'm feeling doubt, let me lean in. This idea of imposter syndrome has been such a big thing. Like when you look at the data, 75% of female executives deal with imposter syndrome. Michelle Obama's come out and talked about how she still feels it to this day right now. And it's a really big topic. And can you share? You know, for you, Because I think it's so easy and just, you know, speaking from my own experience, it's so easy for people on the outside to be like, oh, you know, you've created this business, you must be so, you know, this or that or whatever. But I still, still deal with.

[Unknown]

Needing.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

To focus on believing I'm worthy almost every day. I feel like it's a lifelong journey. And so for you right now as you sit here, you've done so much beautiful work on yourself as well, that you share in the next day, which I think is so beautiful because a lot of times when people are doing that, they maybe hide it or they think it's just them. And I love how open you are. But right now, do you feel imposter syndrome in your life anymore? We need to pause for a super brief break and while we do, take a moment and share this episode with every single person that you know, maybe they're going through a transition in their life in some way who this episode could inspire. Because this conversation can truly not just impact our lives, but theirs too.

[Unknown]

In life you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at at the level of your self worth. When you build your self worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book Worthy how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you. If you have some self doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life changing results like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self love, unlearn the lies that lead to self doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self doubt and unshakable self worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for [e-mail] or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you do if you fold Fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy Imagine what would you do if you fully believed in you? My weekly free inspirational newsletter is packed with tips and tools to help you find out. It's called One on One with Jamie and it's delivered right to your inbox each Tuesday morning. It's a love letter from me to you, from my soul to yours, and I hope it brings you the words and messages you need at just the right moment. Plus, when you're a part of my free inspirational newsletter community, you'll be the first to get behind the scenes content, inspirational messages and be the first to learn about upcoming events and more. It's the place to be and I sure hope you'll join me there. So if you're not on the list yet, you can sign up for free at jamiekernlima.com or click the link in the show notes below. And here's to becoming unstoppable together.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

And now more of this incredible conversation together for you. You know, right now as you sit here, you've had so many. You've done so much beautiful work on yourself as well that you share in the next day, which I think is so beautiful because a lot of times when people are doing that, they maybe hide it or they think it's just them. And I love how open you are. But right now, do you feel imposter syndrome in your life anymore?

[Melinda French Gates]

Not very often is the honest truth. Yes, I deserve to be where I am in life. Like, I've worked really hard to get here, and I know myself and. And so I don't. If people don't like me or they don't like what I'm saying. I'm kind of at the point in life where I'm like, take it or leave it. Like, if I'm not your cup of tea, that's okay. And maybe, I don't know, maybe that comes with being 60. My mom said to me, I remember when she was getting a bit older, she's still alive. Both my parents are very close to them. But I remember when she crossed 60, she said, you know, I just, samehow, just feel very confident going around. You know, I go to pick up the clothes of the cleaners and I tell them how they could be more organized. Or I go to the grocery store and something's not quite right at the cash register, and I speak out and tell them what they ought to be doing. She goes, I don't know what's gotten into me, but I just feel comfortable speaking my. My truth. And so maybe that's sort of the wisdom that comes with 60 is you just get very comfortable in your skin. But I don't have that a lot anymore. But I. Boy, boy, boy, did I struggle with that for many, many, many years, for sure.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

How for everyone wanting that feeling right now, how does it feel to be like, if you don't like me, I'm not your cup of tea, that's okay. And just like I'm imagining it's freeing. I'm imagining it's freeing.

[Melinda French Gates]

Oh, it's so freeing. It's so freeing. Like, okay, you don't. Okay, well, you're you, I'm me. You know, we don't have to necessarily like the same things. Or maybe you don't like my outfit. I grew up in Texas, where I felt like I needed to be kind of dressed head to toe and look perfect all the time. And now, like, I'm perfectly comfortable going out, maybe too comfortable some days with, you know, not having washed my hair for four days and it's in a ponytail and I'm still going to go out and walk to the store, you know, And I am who I am, right? And I also think people put labels on us. I mean, part of the reason I even opened up so much in this book is one, I feel like I've benefited so much. I've learned so much from other people, from my friends, from being in therapy, from the wisdom of the ages, these authors and the quotes I put in. But also I feel a bit like we just get to this point where people are throwing all these labels on each other. Like, I know it. I know some people, I walk in the room, they're like, oh, they instantly think, you know, billionaire. Well, I don't think of myself that way, but what can I do about that? That's what they put on me. But if I'm my true, open hearted, authentic self, maybe they'll get a chance to rethink what they think of me. Right? And wouldn't that be a lovely thing? Because maybe we'll actually make a genuine connection. And if not, well, okay, then we don't.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Yeah, I found, you know, that sometimes those labels too, they don't really change you. They just change everyone else. Like how they might think of their perception of someone who maybe has that or whatever.

[Melinda French Gates]

Exactly. And I think sometimes we don't admit our own bias. You know, we don't say to ourselves, okay, why that person walking down the street or those two people that I don't even know, why did I judge them? Because one had purple hair and the other had on a sweatshirt that I didn't know the name of the band of. Like, what is it about me? Like, why, why should I sit in that. That sort of judging situation? Why not just be open to it? Maybe there's something I could learn from them. Right?

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so interesting. I remember, I remember when I sold my business and nobody knew how we were doing, but L'Oreal is a public company, and so it was everywhere. The purchase price, everything. And the first thing I ever experienced was a lot of my friends and family who I love, they just now assumed I was busy all the time.

[Melinda French Gates]

Oh.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

And I'm like, no, I'm the same. I've always been busy. But I'm the same.

[Unknown]

I'm the same.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

And then something big would happen and I Wouldn't hear from them. And I'd be like, they're like, oh, we're assuming you're busy. And I'm like, huh? And I realized, oh, it's that, you know, I mean, I was raised really humble, you know, and have the most amazing, hard working multiple families. But what I realized is like, oh, yeah, we all kind of see things as we are. And then that can almost create a disconnection in a way. And so that's so beautiful what you just shared, because it's like asking ourselves, well, wait a minute, am I seeing things through my own perception or is that person really any different than I am? We all have the same feelings. We all have. You know, one of the things that I think is so universal that you share in the next day that I didn't know. You say that during your first pregnancy that you gained 79 pounds and that you had this feeling of freedom the moment you saw the positive pregnancy test and the freedom of the pressure that you had sort of always previously been putting on yourself.

[Melinda French Gates]

Yeah. So I had to have a truce with my doctor because every time I would go in, you know, they always. Which is important, they put you on the scale. Right. And he really was concerned. And I finally said to him, okay, are you concerned because this is a problem for my health or my baby's health? Like, is that. And he said, no. And I said, well, every time you talk to me about that, my weight is up over the number it should be, you know, or it's going up quickly. And I said, so what's the problem? And he said, I'm afraid you're gonna be mad at me because when this is over, it'll take you a while to get the pregnancy weight off. And I said, well, tell you what, let's have a truce. You never bring up my weight unless it's a health problem for me or the baby. And I promise to not be mad at you when this is over. And I just. There was something about when I got pregnant. I was like, great, I know I'm going to get large. I don't know how large I'll get. It doesn't matter. I'm going to grow a baby. I was so excited to grow a baby. But it was like, finally I didn't have to worry about looking good, trying to be thin, what I put in my mouth, other than things that I knew I wanted to eat healthy. But I just enjoyed the pregnancy. I enjoyed it immensely and so much so. I mean, I was just enormous and I couldn't pass. I remember one time I was actually in the boardroom at Microsoft. I was still working at Microsoft, and it was a group of execs around the table, whatever, and we happened to be using that room. And one of the men who I liked a lot, and I knew his wife, and they had three boys, and he was very funny, so he did not offend me. But I tried to pass between his choice chair and the wall to get to my chair on the other side. I couldn't fit through. And he saw me and, like, I kind of bounced back a couple times. And he turns around and goes, huh? Thought you could get through, huh? I said, I clearly can't. You're gonna have to move that chair. And he laughed and he did. And again, I'd seen his wife get large and then get small. Get large.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

It just.

[Melinda French Gates]

But yeah, it was like this for me. It was this freeing of, oh, my God, these expectations that I look a certain way or be a certain way. And then much later in my life, I realized, what are the expectations I have of myself? Who's putting that on me? Maybe society, but maybe myself. And so you have to really, you know, eventually look at that too, right?

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Yeah. Yeah. And you talk about just. I think I was just surprised because I had never heard you share that part of your life. I love learning that you've always been, like, such a goal setter, all the things growing up and always ambitious. And when you shared in the next day so vulnerably about that, I mean, you look at the data and it's. Almost every single one of us has different body image issues or struggles. And so when you talk about kind of that freedom, had you always been putting pressure on yourself from a certain age or when do you remember caring about if your body was a certain size?

[Melinda French Gates]

I remember caring in high school, but I felt good about myself, or I should say good enough about myself. Right. But then I had a boyfriend in college that really was not a positive relationship for me at all. And he cared a lot about how I looked and said a lot of things about it to me. And that really is not okay. It really is not. And I eventually, obviously, got out of that relationship, but it took me too long, and I inculcated too many of those messages. And I would say that carried through with me into my 20s and even into my 30s. And it wasn't probably till I got to 40 that I got more okay with who I was. Right. And now I want to be fit because I want to be able to do all the things I want, and I want to be healthy, but I'm not so focused on, am I X weight or Y weight, or do I fit in that size pants or another. It's still there in the back of my head a little bit, but it just isn't a big call anymore. And, boy, when you take that down, that perfectionism around weight and body image you want to talk about, you take that down, you have so much more mind space.

[Unknown]

Yes.

[Melinda French Gates]

It's an anxiety that's in there. Right. I had to work with several different nutritionists, and I did some work in therapy, but, God, when I took that down, it was like, whew. Okay, that feels better.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

I was just going to say, it's like, when you look at all the data, especially someone being as passionate about girls and women, which I'm so passionate about girls and women, I think about my own journey with this stuff. And you look at some of the studies Dove has done or other studies that have come out, and they show, like, 91% of girls and women, they'll literally opt out as meaningful activities, whether it's, you know, going out with loved ones or seeing friends or doing something social if they don't like how they look. And when I think back in my life, I'm like, the amount of time. Because you were just saying how much frees up the amount of time, Melinda. When I look back at my life and I think about the times I didn't go to the thing, or I didn't put on the swimsuit or I didn't do whatever, or I wasted so much time, like, trying to find something that fit or being on the diet of the moment, I'm like, the amount of time that could have been spent on things that actually matter and actually make a difference. And I feel like this idea of almost like, when we all think about it, like, what is that doubt around whatever or the time we've spent or the whatever. What does that already cost us? It's pretty wild. And so, yeah, I'm kind of similar to you now, where I'm like, I feel so free now, where I do not care. I mean, I try to be healthy, all the things, but, like, this morning in these white jeans, I was like, I see my cellulite, and I already know in my soul Melinda's not gonna care. I was like, free. I was just free. And I was like, I'm showing up all of me, because my prayers. Melinda shows up, all of her. It's going to be great. And it just feels free.

[Melinda French Gates]

It feels free. I think also I got to a point where I realized that I wasn't role modeling. Right. For my daughters, too.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Right.

[Melinda French Gates]

Because for them, it was really important that I, you know, work on this in myself. So I didn't put any of that on them. And so when they had body issues, they could come to me and I could be honest with them. One of the things I always said to all three of my kids is you can count on me to be honest with you. Right. Like, if they actually come to me and say, do you like this T shirt on me? I'll be like, you know, they're like, well, I'm going to wear it anyway. Or, oh, okay. Thank you, mom. Right. So, like, that honesty. But also the other thing the data shows is that if women are working and doing meaningful work, they focus less on body image.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Yes.

[Melinda French Gates]

Right. Which, again, how beautiful is it to be able to put that energy and that time into things that you care about doing for the world?

[Unknown]

Right.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Yeah. Yeah. This conversation, so incredible. We made it into more than one part. So if you're ready to ignite your courage to make a transition in your life and find yourself again, you are not going to want to miss the incredible part two of this conversation with Melinda French Gates. Coming up in the next episode of the Jamie Kern Lima Show. Remember, this episode's not just for you and me. Please share this with every single person that you know because it can impact and change their life, too. And if you love today's episode, please click on the follow or subscribe button for the show on the app and give it a five star rating or review. And again, please share it with everyone.

[Unknown]

That you believe in.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Share it with another person in your life who could benefit from it. Maybe someone you know is making a change in their career or marriage or health. Please post the episode and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words and tools and lessons in this episode today. You never know whose life you're meant to change today by sharing this episode. And thank you so much for joining me today. Before you go, I wanted to share some words with you that couldn't be more true. You, right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy. You're worthy of your greatest hopes, your wildest dreams and all the unconditional love in the world. And it is an honor to welcome you to each and every episode of the Jamie Carnlima show here. I hope you'll come as you are, heal where you need, blossom what you choose journey toward your calling and stay as long as you'd like because you belong here. You are worthy, you are loved. You are love. I love you and I cannot wait to join you on the next episode of the Jamie Kerr and Lima Show.

[Unknown]

Do you struggle with negative self talk? Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting. I know because I spent most of.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

My life in that habit.

[Unknown]

The words you say to yourself about yourself are so powerful and when you learn to take control over your self talk, it's life changing and I wanted to give you a free resource that I created for you if this is something that could benefit your Life. It's called 5 Ways to Overcome Negative Self Talk and Build Self Love and it's a free how to guide to overcome that negative self talk to build confidence and develop unshakable self love so that you can dream big and keep going in the pursuit of your goals. Don't let self sabotaging thoughts hinder your progress any longer. It's time to rewrite the script of your life, one filled with self love, resilience and unwavering belief. If you're ready to take charge of your narrative, build unwavering confidence and empower yourself to persevere on the path to your dreams, you can grab your free guide to stop overthinking and learn to Trust yourself at jamiekernlima.com resources or click the link in the show notes below. Who you spend time around is so, so important as energy is contagious and so is self belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration.

[Jamie Kern Lima]

Which is exactly why I've created my.

[Unknown]

Free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to jamiekernlima.com to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your one on one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy and love hitting your inbox. I'm your girl. [e-mail] or in the link in the show notes. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self worth. When you build your self worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book Worthy how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you. If you have some self doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Worthy is for you. In Worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life changing results like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back, build unshakable self love, unlearn the lies that lead to self doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness, overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome, achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step into the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self doubt and unshakable self worth. Get your copy of Worthy plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for [e-mail] or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you do if you fully believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy. It's such an honor to share this podcast together with you. And please note, I'm not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional.