JCW ARCHIVE: JCW Christmas Special

Summary

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The John Clay Wolfe Show Archive: Christmas Special

Date: December 19, 2025
Host: John Clay Wolfe
Theme: A raucous, irreverent holiday throwback featuring clips from past Christmas shows, satirical skits, wild character appearances, and plenty of offbeat humor about cars, parties, and animal misadventures.

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Episode Overview

This Christmas special is a curated selection of comedic holiday-themed segments from the JCW show’s archives. The crew, including regulars DJ Pre K, Randy the Chipmunk, and even "Satan, the Lord of Darkness," offer a mix of playful musical parodies, tongue-in-cheek character banter, and satirical takes on the Christmas season—always skirting the FCC line, but never crossing it. Everything from animal Christmas rituals to nut “heists” to Satan crashing the festivities gets lampooned with the show's signature irreverent humor.

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Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Holiday Banter and Skits

• Sponsor Satire: “Today's show is brought to you by Vladimir Yuri Potocki… for cell phone covers of almost any kind. 11 is garbage. I wouldn't give to a goat.” (01:24)
  A classic faux sponsor plug, poking fun at holiday consumerism and mall kiosks.

• Christmas Song Parody: DJ Pre K and Randy the Chipmunk riff on "Baby, It's Cold Outside" with a very JCW twist:

  • "Baby, there's hoes outside." (02:05, DJ Pre K)
  • "Well, what did they do?" – "Things that you'd never do." (02:12–02:14)

2. The Chipmunk's Holiday Hustle

• Randy the Chipmunk’s Christmas Stress: In an extended comedic bit, Randy details the "great nut disparity" and the ongoing hustle to feed his chipmunk clan for the winter—complete with nonviolent crime and nut heists.

  • “It's also first time of year you get a lot of nonviolent chipmunk crime. Namely nut burglary.” (03:28)
  • “One time my cousin Rudy slipped on the egg and fell down on his way out. Scattered his nuts all over the floor and twisted his hind leg. But you know what? He sued. He won. Like 60,000 nuts.” (05:06–05:16)

• What Do Chipmunks Eat At Thanksgiving?

  • “Turkey and dressing and cranberries.” (05:32, Co-host)
  • “We wouldn't know where to start. You ever been around a turkey?...Turkeys are like the Pentecostals of the animal world. Everything they say is like…” (05:35–05:42, Randy)

3. Christmas Carols and Pop Culture

• The gang debates “Mele Kalikimaka” and its pop culture references:
  • “Is it really a Hawaiian word for Christmas?” (07:46, John Clay Wolfe)
  • “Mele Kalikimaka means ‘Merry Christmas.’” (07:49, Co-host)

4. Satan Crashes the Holiday

• In typical JCW fashion, “Satan, the Lord of Darkness” makes an irreverently festive appearance.
  • “Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration again?” (08:07, Satan)
  • “I'm just dropping by. Say, Happy Hanukkah. Hope everybody has a great time.” (08:16, Satan)
  • “Yeah. Myself, Jesus, Gabriel. We're all Jews...We have a great time, you know, down in hell. Spinning dreidels with Charlie Manson and Jim Jones.” (08:41–09:04, Satan)
  • “You know who makes the best matzo balls? Hitler. I'm serious. You would never think....” (09:09)

Notable for its outrageous political incorrectness, always followed by the co-hosts trying to rein things back in.

5. Nutty Chipmunk Christmas Parties

• Randy describes how chipmunks celebrate Christmas with “nuts out, nuts everywhere”—turning animal holiday parties into a bacchanal.

  • “It's full on nuts out, nuts everywhere...it's the most nuttiest time of the year.” (10:50–10:56, Randy)
  • “My friend Stan...ate three pounds of pistachio...for chipmunks, it's like pure cocaine.” (11:11–11:22, Randy)

• Drunken Squirrels:

  • A reference to viral stories about animals getting intoxicated off fermented fruit:
    • “Eat those bad pears. You’re like, smooth.” (12:20, Randy)

6. Holiday Crime Parody

• JCW sings a parody song about stealing Christmas decorations from neighbors:
  • “Stealing other people's Christmas stuff...He will look so good in my front yard...I'll chop this one here down and then I'll get out of town...” (12:32–13:35, John Clay Wolfe)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Baby, there's hoes outside."
  (02:05, DJ Pre K)

• "It's also first time of year you get a lot of nonviolent chipmunk crime. Namely nut burglary."
  (03:28, Randy the Chipmunk)

• "One time my cousin Rudy slipped on the egg and fell down on his way out...He sued. He won. Like 60,000 nuts."
  (05:06–05:16, Randy the Chipmunk)

• "Turkeys are like the Pentecostals of the animal world."
  (05:42, Randy the Chipmunk)

• "I'm just dropping by. Say, Happy Hanukkah. Hope everybody has a great time."
  (08:16, Satan, the Lord of Darkness)

• "We burn up Covid in like, nine days. Bam."
  (10:23, Randy the Chipmunk)

• "It's like pure cocaine [for chipmunks]."
  (11:22, Randy the Chipmunk)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:24 – Vladimir the cell phone case salesman sponsor parody
• 02:03 – “Baby there’s hoes outside” song parody
• 03:11–05:16 – Randy the Chipmunk’s Christmas nut “heist” escapades
• 06:00 – Chipmunk holiday dinners and taboos on turkey
• 07:46 – Hawaiian Christmas song, pop culture debate
• 08:01–09:21 – Satan, the Lord of Darkness, crashes the party
• 10:50–11:22 – Nutty chipmunk holiday parties & pistachio-fueled antics
• 12:32–13:35 – JCW’s Christmas crime parody song

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Tone & Takeaway

The John Clay Wolfe Christmas Special is an unfiltered, fast-paced mashup of holiday satire and outrageous radio. The eccentric cast, led by John Clay Wolfe and his pack of regulars, turns Christmas traditions upside down, pokes fun at everything from animal behavior to human quirks and flirts with taboo subjects—all while maintaining infectious energy and camaraderie.

For fans of wildly irreverent, character-driven comedy that doesn’t take itself seriously, this archive episode delivers a nutty sleigh ride through the holidays—chipmunk-style.

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Transcript

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[John Clay Wolf]

The John Clay Wolf show has appeared on terrestrial radio for a really, really, really long time. So we dug into our pockets and on the other side of our we found something funny. And yes, it's contagious. Gather round as the wolf pack goes on this throwback adventure.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Ho ho, ho.

[DJ Pre K]

Merry Mother Christmas. It's your boy DJ Pre K with the John Clay WOL spreading some Christmas cheer from the JCW archives. It's that time of year and I want to give some gifts like that big old pimp in the red fur coat. So I put together some of my favorite Christmas clips to keep those chestnuts roasting. Baby, we gonna hear from Randy the Chipmunk, Satan, the Lord of Darkness. And I got plenty of classic Christmas carols too. So check it out.

[John Clay Wolf]

Today's show is brought to you by Vladimir Yuri Potocki, owner of the cell phone cover kiosk at the mall, wishing joyous Christmas. Yes, I tell you already, I have proper cover for your kind of phone. IPhone 9 or 10. No, no, 11. So for cell phone covers of almost any kind, 11 is garbage. I wouldn't give to a goat. Vladimir Yuri Potashki is your man or ex wife even. So are you going to buy something or not? MasterCard, Visa or cash only. No checks, no American Express. I also carry belly button rings.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Baby, why don't you stay?

[DJ Pre K]

Baby, there's hoes outside.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Why must you go away?

[DJ Pre K]

Baby, there's hoes outside.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Hoes. Well, what did they do?

[DJ Pre K]

Things that you'd never do.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Well, how nice.

[DJ Pre K]

Think I'm gonna go outside and cut me a slide.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

I thought that our thing was true.

[DJ Pre K]

But look at them boobs.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

They look completely busted and trying busting.

[DJ Pre K]

All right.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Don't come back with a cl.

[DJ Pre K]

You know I'll rap for attack.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Baby, there's an. Oh, Randy.

[John Clay Wolf]

Rusty.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

What's his name?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Randy. And he's a chipmunk.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Hey, guys.

[John Clay Wolf]

Hey, guys.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

What's going on?

[John Clay Wolf]

Good morning.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Morning. What's up?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

I'm sweating a little bit.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

You do? You look hot and all.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

It's the holidays.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

You look disheveled.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

I'm tired.

[John Clay Wolf]

Oh, you're tired?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

What have you been doing?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

I've been trying to get everything together for Christmas. Just try to keep it all together.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Still have nuts for everybody till spring.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Oh, is that okay? Yeah, you gotta kinda measure them out. It is winter.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Well, tell you the truth, I think it's got more to do with the great nut disparity.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

What?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

You know like chipmunks have been saving nuts all year long.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Well, yeah, you have to.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

But squirrels, a lot of them just won't do it. Well, no, depending on where you live.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Well, they've been. Yeah, run from dogs.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

It's also first time of year you get a lot of non violent chipmunk crime.

[DJ Pre K]

What?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Namely nut burglary.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

There's nut.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Hey, hey. It takes a lot of nuts to feed an extended family of 30 or 40 chipmunks. We have a little rite of passage.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Oh, is there?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

For all the young buck chipmunks and.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Us dads, there's an actual ceremony.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Yeah.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

What has it worked?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

We're getting several families together too. Because it takes like 20 of us to get it done. We pull off giant heists. A heist at the all night Walmart superstore. No, where they got that big old nut bin. Yeah, yeah, buddy. I've talked about walnuts, peanuts, cashew nuts and almonds and hazelnuts, Brazil nuts, pecans.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Okay.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

And sometimes maybe a carton of Winston.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

No, don't steal cigarettes.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

So here's how it goes. We all get inside while the stalkers are going on break at 3am okay. And while the night helps, all outside smoking.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Right.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

The little chipmunks all go to the back and break into the egg counters in the refrigerator aisle and run them up to the front in tandem and throw them on the floor in the main action alley. Leaving a trail of runny yeller egg destruction all the way to the back of the store.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Let's have a store figured out.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

It's a mess. So while they're doing the egg work, us more experienced professionals are stuff as many of them produce bags as full as we can to drag make for the shopping cart door. And we always make the haul. One time my cousin Rudy slipped on the egg and fell down on his way out.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Oh yeah.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Scattered his nuts all over the floor and twisted his hind leg. But you know what? He sued. Him.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

He sued?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Yeah. He won.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

No, he didn't.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Like 60,000 nuts.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Oh God. He went to court? Really?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Now that Thanksgiving's behind us.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Time to get Christmas on. Y' all have a good Thanksgiving.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

It was great. It was a great Thanksgiving. You oh, yeah. What does chipmunks do for Thanksgiving?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Well, just probably same as you do.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Oh, really?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Yeah.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Turkey and dressing and cranberries.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Oh, God, no.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Oh, no.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

We wouldn't know where to start. You ever been around a turkey?

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Yeah.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

They're just crazy.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

I know.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Let me try to talk to a turkey. Sometimes turkeys are like the Pentecostals of the animal world. Everything they say is like. Besides that. Every chipmunk knows in an omnivorous environment.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Omnivorous?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

A turkey will eat your ass. Yeah. Not. No. Me. No. Gracias, Gracias. No. Mana.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

I got you. I never knew.

[John Clay Wolf]

Thank you, Rusty.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Okay, bye.

[John Clay Wolf]

See you, man. Randy. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Roasting, blazing with the fire Jack Frost slashing at your nose. Christmas songs sung by a black rusted choir Girls dressed down for rock and.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Roll.

[John Clay Wolf]

Is a thing to say On a bright or wine Christmas day that's the island greeting that they sent to you from the land where palm trees sway who is this, Dina?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Dean Martin.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Bing Crosby?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Is he really?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Oh, my God.

[John Clay Wolf]

Sun to shine by day.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Are you sure?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Yes.

[John Clay Wolf]

He's bending his nose like. Dina.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Promise you it's not.

[DJ Pre K]

It's being.

[John Clay Wolf]

If I knew how to spell it.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

I'd look it up. Go ahead and look it up. We had this. Played this song for years. Yes, and Jimmy Buffett does a great version of it as well.

[John Clay Wolf]

Yes, he does. And is it really a Hawaiian word for Christmas?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Yeah, Melikimaka means Merry Christmas.

[John Clay Wolf]

It's a lot of words for Merry Christmas that's confusing me. This was from the soundtrack of Family Vacation.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Yes.

[John Clay Wolf]

Which we are sampling much.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

I love being man.

[John Clay Wolf]

What, Satan? No, dude, we. We said we weren't gonna have Satan on Christmas weekend.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration again?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

What are you.

[John Clay Wolf]

What are you doing here?

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

I'm just dropping by. Say, Happy Hanukkah. Hope everybody has a great time.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Is this a big time of year for you? I mean, come on.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Oh, sure.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Everybody's celebrating. Christ.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Yeah, I've got. I've got two spots left on the Menorah, Brother.

[John Clay Wolf]

Jesus.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

It's gonna be an awesome time in the whole thing. Well, I can, you know, I don't discriminate. You know, Happy Kwanzaa, Merry Christmas and everything, but really, I mean, for my people.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Monica.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Monica.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Yeah. Myself, Jesus, Gabriel. We're all Jews. Yeah.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

The Three Stooges.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

You didn't know?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

No, I didn't know.

[John Clay Wolf]

I didn't know either.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

I know.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

It's. It's funny.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

I stumped the devil.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

I don't look Jewish.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Oh, you don't look Jewish.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

But yeah, we have a great time, you know, down in hell.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

You're Jewish.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Yeah. Spinning dreidels.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

No, you don't.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

With Charlie Manson and Jim Jones. We're having a ball. You should. You know who makes the best matzo balls? Hitler. I'm serious. You would never think. Okay, but I mean, he was. He obviously was well researched.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

I'm gonna put the brakes on this.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Yeah. I mean, these matzas will melt in your mouth. That's just really something. I love that Adam Sandler song.

[John Clay Wolf]

Hey, you just gotta go.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

I can't wait to get my hands on that guy.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Yeah, boy, I hope you do.

[Satan, the Lord of Darkness]

Playing golf with a hockey stick.

[John Clay Wolf]

Jesus was Jewish.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Yes, he was.

[John Clay Wolf]

Giddy up, giddy up. I'll whip you horses. Don't look at the snow. Santa's house is where I want to go. I'll whip that fat bastard into shape. Take all of his toys, give them to the bastard. Baddest girls and boys, I'll take you horses. Randy the chipmunk. What do you think? How are you handling. Are y' all having Christmas parties in the animal kingdom?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Well, yeah, of course. You hunt. Christmas parties are awesome. Christmas parties are great. Really?

[John Clay Wolf]

He's still having them?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

He said Christmas parties are great. But you're. You're not afraid of the virus?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Nah, we're chipmunks. We got, like, a special metabolism. We burn up Covid in like, nine days. Bam.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

So nobody has had Covid where you are in the animal world?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Well, not any of my friends, really. Yeah, except for Fred the dog.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Fred the dog. Got it.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Yeah. I think dogs are most susceptible. Yeah, we have a party. Man, Christmas party is big. Like, you know what a chipmunk Christmas party's like?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

No. I can't even imagine.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

It's like, full on nuts out, nuts everywhere.

[John Clay Wolf]

I mean, it's nut time.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Nut time.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

That time of year, it's the most nuttiest time of the year. You have songs? Yeah, we got nuts. Every kind of nuts. Brazil nuts, peanuts, sunflower seeds everywhere. And we go crazy with them. We go crazy with them.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

You're crazy.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

My friend Stan, he chipmunk. Right, Stan, he ate three pounds of pistachio.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

No.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

You want pistachios on for chipmunks?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

What?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

It's like pure cocaine. Really? Yeah. Stan was, like, on the ceiling, like, hey, y' all want to hear me do that Billy Idol song again?

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Okay. We get it.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

It's outstanding. It's outstanding.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Have you had some pistachios this morning.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

I had a couple, sure.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

That's what I saw.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

I had a couple, sure. Yeah. Hey, ain't no sin taking sue since then if you don't know when to leave it alone, right? Stan didn't know when to leave it alone.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

She had the story in that Minnesota woman who had some pears in her refrigerator. She threw them outside and they fermented and the squirrels got a hold of them and they got drunk.

[DJ Pre K]

Yeah.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

You hear this story?

[DJ Pre K]

Oh, yeah.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

We always look for bad fruit, too.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

You do?

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Yeah. You people don't understand. You put out this bad fruit, right? Just for a minute, right? Better than whiskey. Better than whiskey.

[Co-host/Interviewer]

Better than whiskey.

[Randy the Chipmunk]

Eat those bad pears. You're like, smooth.

[John Clay Wolf]

They got a ring, camera, doorbell. Can they see me? I really can't tell. I'll keep my hoodie pulled down and I ain't making a sound. Stealing other people's Christmas stuff. Hey, is a big inflatable Santa Claus. He will look so good in my front yard. And a sleigh and eight electric flashing reindeer. I hope unpluggin them won't be too hard. Now wait before they see me. Hey, wait. I need a new tree. I'll chop this one here down and then I'll get out of town. Stealing other people's Christmas stuff. Stealing other people's Christmas star. Shout out to our friends on the better side of town. Merry Christmas.

[DJ Pre K]

All right, y' all know what to do. Hit us up on John claywolf dot com. You can check out old episodes on there. You know, stay up to date with what we got going on. Get cool gear. We got hats, shirts, all that. Hit us up on Facebook, you know, search John Clay Wolf show. We're on Instagram, John on Twitter. You know, you can holler at all of us. Okay. You know how to spell it. Okay, we appreciate y' all listening. Keep on rocking with us.

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