The Kevin Miller Podcast

Desensitized or Oversensitized: Why We Are So Anxious About Our Differences And How To Find Peace w/ Social Psychologist Claude Steele

We are more sensitive than ever to our differences. Most people I know are really striving to be aware, kind, considerate, and inclusive. But is this sensitivity also increasing our cultural anxiety around the issue? My guest in this episode is social psychologist Claude M Steele, and he feels this is the case. Claude is the Lucie Stern Professor in the Social Sciences, Emeritus, at Stanford University. Over a decade ago Claude authored the book, Whistling Vivaldi, which became a groundbreaking resource on stereotypes and identity. His new book is, Churn: The Tension That Divides Us and How To Overcome It. Claude lays out that we all, inherently, are more comfortable with people like us. Which by proxy means we discomfort ourselves with people who are different. Many of us try to be "color blind" and pretend there is not difference, but we all feel the elephant in the room. Claude says, "Prejudice doesn't survive proximity. As you will hear, Claude has a primary solution. If someone is different, and if you really care, be curious. And seek to connect. This sounds simple, and I'm not sure it is, which is why I offer you the following conversation. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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How To Be Your Authentic Self & Still Be Kind To Others w/ Mindvalley CoFounder Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani

4d ago01:17:17Tap to summarize

We are tired of performing. We want to be our authentic selves. We want to have boundaries. But I see and have experienced two challenges. You finally just let it all hang out and tell everyone how you really feel and let the chips of dissension fall where they will. Or, you just fold at the critical moment and feel it’s easier just to perform and appease people. Is there another option? Most of you will be aware of Mindvalley, and have likely participated with them. They have become one of the most popular personal development platforms on the planet. My guest in this episode is Mindvalley co-founder, Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani. Kristina is an entrepreneur, writer, international speaker, artist, and philanthropist. She is also someone who spent much of her life striving to please others, but she now cites that you won’t find peace being even 95% honest and authentic if you’re still 5% fake or performing. But we also want to accommodate others as much as we can. She writes about this in her book, Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living An Imperfectly Authentic Life, and we dig into the issue here in this episode. We also candidly discuss the dark side of personal growth and how it can feed our insecurities, which coming from the co-founder of Mindvalley, I feel is a big disclosure. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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What Measures Whether You Matter Or Not w/ Philosopher Rebecca Goldstein

1w ago01:09:05Tap to summarize

Do I, intrinsically matter? Do you? Based on...what? There is almost a saturation of information and ideas on what purpose is and having purpose in your life. But if you dig down, I find purpose to primarily be a pursuit to...matter. Do we matter just because we exist? Many religions say so, but I generally find the religious scrambling to prove they matter in the same ways everyone else is. So does that testify that we have to do something to matter? This is the episode. I sat down with renowned philosopher and intellectual, Rebecca Goldstein. Rebecca is an award-winning philosopher and writer. She is the author of ten books of acclaimed fiction and non-fiction. She holds a Ph.D. in philosophy of science from Princeton University and has taught at Yale, Columbia, NYU, Dartmouth, and Harvard. In 2015, she was awarded the National Humanities Medal by President Obama. In many ways however, from all of Rebecca's philosophical pursuits, the concept of mattering is her culmination of wisdom. Her new book is called, The Mattering Instinct: How Our Deepest Longing Drives Us and Divides Us. In this conversation we dive straight into how we perceive mattering, what we generally do to matter, and what actually results in feelings of mattering. We discuss the cultural and relational conflicts we have around what and who we think matters most. Rebecca then identifies four psychological types based on how people pursue mattering, which in itself begs the question: We generally pursue proving that we matter. Belying we think mattering is earned. I found the conversation very revealing and bringing me to consider my core motives for my life. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Living & Thriving With Pain of Loss That Will Never Go Away w/ Neurosurgeon Lee Warren

2w ago01:23:37Tap to summarize

The concept of trauma has gotten more focus than ever, as of late, it seems. But I feel much of what gets labeled trauma is the pain of loss. Losses we don’t know how to, or maybe never will, reconcile. I don’t claim having trauma in my life, but I have loss that I don’t think I’ll ever get over. I don’t want to minimize trauma at all, but I feel even more people resonate with the concept of loss. Even if it stems from a tragic trauma. And what I’ve been considering is some losses I don’t expect or even intend to “get over.” They are now a part of me. And, I want to thrive in my life anyway. My guest knows much about this, not only from his own life, but with experience with so, so many people. Lee Warren is a neurosurgeon. Every day he is dealing with people who may lose some of their cognitive abilities, or their lives. And he deals with their loved ones who are losing someone significant in their lives. This is Lee’s life. In addition, Lee knows what I’ll call straight-up, big T Trauma. On August 20, 2013, his nineteen-year-old son Mitch died of multiple stab wounds to the neck. Mitch’s best friend died along with him with one stab wound. Whether the knife used to kill Mitch was in his hand or someone else’s, whether he was at fault or a victim, they will never know. An unsolved murder. This could have been the end of Lee. Obviously it was not. But he hasn’t gotten over it and doesn’t expect to. All this adds up to what I found to be a profound conversation that I’ve understood more as time has passed and I’ve experienced more loss. Lee has a book about all this, Hope Is the First Dose: A Treatment Plan for Recovering from Trauma, Tragedy, and Other Massive Things. And wherever you are listening to this podcast, you can find his podcast, just search for The Dr. Lee Warren Podcast. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Getting Clear On What Is Truly At Risk In Pursuing What We Want w/ Connection Expert Ben Swire

2w ago01:09:40Tap to summarize

I don’t think we like to hear it, but there seems to be continual evidence that our culture is growing more risk averse, less willing to try new things, and as a result, becoming stagnant. Another data point on our reported, near all time low of subjective well-being. So I brought on an expert to discuss the issue. Ben Swire is an innovative thought leader on human connection and authentic living. Ben is an award-winning designer, writer, and former Design Lead at the iconic innovation firm IDEO, and he co-founded Make Believe Works where they help people build deeper relationships and discover their authentic purpose through creative activities. Ben has spent much of his time working with people and teams, helping them progress toward the things they really want. Ben says we all want inspiring experiences, meaningful work, and deep relationships. But those generally require risking vulnerability, inviting disappointment, and trusting others. So, we hesitate, settle to remain safe, and stay stuck. So he's worked to lessen the perceptions of risk, and this was why I had him on the show. Ben has a new book, SAFE DANGER: An Unexpected Method for Sparking Connection, Finding Purpose, and Inspiring Innovation. As you will hear, I really honed in on looking at what is really most at risk, and so often it is only our identity. Anxiety about what people might think. I’m not going to cheerlead that everyone quit caring what others think, but I’m definitely working to shine light on the issue and help us see how unfounded the concern often is. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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What Becomes Possible When We Quit Protecting Ourselves w/ Jordan Grumet

3w ago01:07:39Tap to summarize

I believe much of what motivates our life perspective and choices is around protecting ourselves. It’s human nature. I’m not talking about self-absorption, but even amongst the most giving and serving and confident of people, I still experience a lot of motive and behavior around self-protection. I’m including myself in this as well. My guest today has a very unique perspective on this concept. My guest is Jordan Grumet. Jordan was an internal medicine physician who left clinical practice to devote himself to hospice care and deep conversations about life. Jordan walks with people who are given an end of life diagnosis and watches a phenomenon happen right before his eyes. Jordan says, “We are all living versions of stories, but when a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness and death becomes a near future certainty, something remarkable happens: the self-protective stories about identity, work and money crumble, leaving them with clarity about who they are, what they love, and what really matters.” He then cites they become free, as there is no reason to hold up pretense and no need to protect themselves. Their focus shifts from fear of loss toward the possibility of what can still be gained, and people focus on true desires, generally for the first time. The tragedy is they didn’t achieve this perspective, long ago in their lives. Which is why Jordan took his experience and wrote a book, Taking Stock: A Hospice Doctor's Advice on Financial Independence, Building Wealth, and Living a Regret-Free Life. He’s striving to help us leave our lives of self-protection and move to considering what is truly possible, now. Not waiting till death is imminent and we have a short time to do what really matters. You can connect with Jordan at his podcast, Earn & Invest Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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How To Understand Our Sense Of Self Amongst The Ever Changing World of Tech, Speed, & Transformation w/ Cultural Analyst Patricia Martin

3w ago01:15:47Tap to summarize

How do you view your sense of self? Do you feel more or less understanding of who you are? How about those around you, friends, family, and others? Do you sense them as feeling more or less stable regarding themselves and their place in the world? I think it’s worth considering, and I feel a continued shift toward insecurity in an of ourselves, culturally. I have kids from 13 to 30 years old, from middle school to grad school, and I see and hear of consistent quandaries vs self and identity. But I’m 55 and even amongst my peers I feel there are struggles. My guest today has been researching this issue and as with so much of the human condition, feels our current age of tech and speed and constant transformation is having an effect on our sense of self. Patricia Martin is a cultural analyst and author whose insights have appeared in Harvard Business Review, The New York Times, Slate, and Psyche Magazine. She hosts the popular podcast, Jung in the World, as in Carl Young, and she is the author of four books including her most recent, and my focus here, Will The Future like You? Reflections on the Age of Hyper-reinvention. In the book, Patricia asks, “What if the harms of living an increasingly digital life go beyond undercutting our attention spans or blunting our social skills? What if it cuts deeper, to the core of who we are and who we know ourselves to be?” In this episode we explore the challenges that tech and the internet impose on the human psyche and discuss the processes that make us who we are. We also address three conditions Patricia cites as unraveling who we are: persona fog, chronic self-doubt, and cascading crossroads. As is often the case, I hone in on understanding who we are outside of what we do and how we have grown to measure and judge our sense of self. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Your State of Mind Is Likely Hurting Your Gut & Digestion More Than What You Are or Are Not Eating w/ Functional Medicine Expert Will Cole

4w ago01:19:01Tap to summarize

First, I’m surely not saying that what you are or are not eating doesn’t matter. But after a decade of my own involvement in functional medicine, I see the biggest culprit for gut and digestion issues to be our minds more than anything else. I continue to meet people who are doing “all the right things,” eating clean, taking all the great supplements, exercising, getting good sleep, and they are still dealing with gut and digestive discomfort. I was the same. And I don’t have a magic solution like meditating or something for the mind. But I’m concerned that the normal lifestyle of busyness and fast paced and constant stimulation is going to overpower all your other efforts. So a few years ago I sat down with Dr Will Cole. I became aware of Dr Cole through Gwyneth Paltrow, as he is her functional medicine doctor and one of the providers in her Goop wellness and lifestyle brand and company. Will has admittedly become the health and wellness resource for a lot of influential people and if you visit his IG page with over 800k followers you’ll see many people you recognize. Will has a book called, Gut Feelings: Healing the Shame-Fueled Relationship Between What You Eat and How You Feel, and it gets more into the philosophy of our wellness than just clinical, prescriptive aspects. Which to me is the foundation. Your health and wellness will ultimately be a result of your own philosophy on health and wellness. Will actually coined the term, “Shameflammation”, which I encourage you to listen into. I find that shame is a reality with most men, and one they are ignorant of and prone to avoid even looking into. You’re going to hear some paradigm shifting information here on your health and wellness. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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How To Feel Secure When You Can’t Be Certain w/ Journalist Simone Stolzoff

4w ago01:03:33Tap to summarize

Most everyone knows the story of holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl who wrote the book, Man's Search For Meaning. In the book he shares his journey of finding meaning, purpose, and peace even as a prisoner in a concentration camp. A primary message he had for humanity was that regardless of circumstances, we have the freedom to choose our attitude in any situation. He feels this is what kept him alive while most around him died. But when the time came when Viktor was freed from his prison, he didn't stay there, saying he'd found peace and was good. He left to embrace the comforts and security of freedom. We as humans seem to inherently desire just that, comfort and security. I don't see that changing, and I'm not criticizing this, as I wake most mornings safe and sound in the comforts of my nice home full of all the latest amenities. But like Viktor, I want my core comfort and security to reside within me so that in times of hardship and uncertainty, I'm not devastated. We live in a time where we don't seem to be doing ok if things aren't certain for us. And they can't be. And as time goes on I align with the quote, “The more I learn the less I know,” usually attributed to Albert Einstein or Socrates. I find less and less that I can claim certainty with. But I’m also finding more peace than ever by accepting, not knowing. My guest in this episode is Simone Stolzoff. Simone is an author and journalist who explores big questions about work, meaning, and identity. He is the author of two books: The Good Enough Job and now, and the reason for me inviting him onto the show, he has written the book, How To Not Know: The Value of Uncertainty In a World That Demands Answers. Simone’s work has been featured in The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and on the TED stage, and I found that many of the influential leaders I’ve had on this podcast follow Simone’s research and work. Here we don’t discount our desire for certainty, but dig into how we can remain secure when we are not certain. I’ll add that I’m growing more distrusting of those who claim certainty, and at the point of rejecting the concept. Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Your Sensitivities Are Your Right & Responsibility w/ Sensitivity Expert Andre Sólo

May 801:22:08Tap to summarize

The word “sensitive” has a lot of baggage. Much of it is negative. We are critical of people who we deem are not sensitive. Insensitive, we say. We are critical of people who we deem are too sensitive. Over sensitive, we say. If you look for the meaning of the word, you find this - Being sensitive means having a nervous system that processes information more deeply, resulting in acute physical, mental, or emotional responses to stimuli. I find myself today wanting to, as it says, “process information more deeply.” I want to feel the feels and experience all the sensations. That said, there are some things I feel, maybe too acutely. Some emotionally and some sensory. On both accounts I have some areas where I feel overly sensitive. How I choose to perceive them and address them is how I choose to care for myself, and with others regarding me. My guest in this show is my guru on sensitivities, and specifically, HSPs - highly sensitive people. Andre Sólo is the force behind Sensitive Refuge, the world’s largest website for sensitive people, and Andre is the co-author of "Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World." When I first read Andre’s book, I labeled myself an HSP, and you’ll hear me refer to such in this episode. Since then, I do not accept this label, as I don’t really accept any label. I don’t align with saying I’m all of anything. But I do accept that there are some emotions and sensory perceptions that I recognize myself to be highly sensitive to. You may align with this as well, and Andre is here to help us learn how to be highly functioning, regardless of your sensitivities. Find him at his homebase website, sensitiverefuge.com, and find him on IG @sensitiverefuge Sign up for your $1/month trial period at shopify.com/kevin Go to shipstation.com and use code KEVIN to start your free trial. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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All episodes

Desensitized or Oversensitized: Why We Are So Anxious About Our Differences And How To Find Peace w/ Social Psychologist Claude Steele

How To Be Your Authentic Self & Still Be Kind To Others w/ Mindvalley CoFounder Kristina Mänd-Lakhiani

What Measures Whether You Matter Or Not w/ Philosopher Rebecca Goldstein

Living & Thriving With Pain of Loss That Will Never Go Away w/ Neurosurgeon Lee Warren

Getting Clear On What Is Truly At Risk In Pursuing What We Want w/ Connection Expert Ben Swire

What Becomes Possible When We Quit Protecting Ourselves w/ Jordan Grumet

How To Understand Our Sense Of Self Amongst The Ever Changing World of Tech, Speed, & Transformation w/ Cultural Analyst Patricia Martin

Your State of Mind Is Likely Hurting Your Gut & Digestion More Than What You Are or Are Not Eating w/ Functional Medicine Expert Will Cole

How To Feel Secure When You Can’t Be Certain w/ Journalist Simone Stolzoff

Your Sensitivities Are Your Right & Responsibility w/ Sensitivity Expert Andre Sólo