Audience Questions | Bagel Order

Summary

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode Title: Audience Questions | Bagel Order
Date: August 18, 2025
Host: Stephen Colbert

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Episode Overview

In this lively Q&A-packed episode, Stephen Colbert welcomes audience questions, digging into personal preferences, comedic insights, and moments from late night television history. The conversation flows with Colbert’s signature wit, touching on dinosaurs, bagels, fatherhood, desserts, presidential jokes, and the legacy of classic late night shows. The episode is peppered with spontaneous humor, quick banter with show staff, and memorable asides that highlight Colbert’s rapport with both his team and his audience.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pistachio Banter & Flavors Galore

(00:00–03:19)

• Colbert opens with a comedic riff on Wonderful Pistachios, recalling his past as their spokesperson.
• The team discusses pistachio applications—crusted trout, pistachio ice cream, and a wild array of flavored nuts (dill pickle, jalapeno lime, sea salt & vinegar, smoky barbecue).
• Notable quote:
  • Stephen Colbert: "No guilt. Just glory, glory in our nuts." (00:27)
  • Colbert and producers volley nut puns and flavor enthusiasm, keeping the tone playful:
  • Stephen Colbert: "Nut me with nut meat." (03:07)

2. Rapid-Fire Audience Q&A

(03:56–10:56)

a. Dinosaurs and Childhood Favorites

(04:00–04:55)

• Asked about his favorite dinosaur, Colbert chooses stegosaur for its iconic fins and spiky tail, explaining its childhood appeal.
• He quizzes the audience in return, engaging over choices like "protoceratops" and their fun, house-friendly size.
• Notable quote:
  • Stephen Colbert: "My favorite dinosaur is probably the stegosaur. Cause I like those fins along the back and the spiky tail." (04:02)

b. The Perfect Bagel Order

(04:59–05:07)

• On bagels, Colbert spares no detail:
  • "Everything toasted with cream cheese, lox, caper, onions and tomato... and a cup of coffee. Milk."
• He jokes not to disturb him during consumption:
  • Stephen Colbert: "Don't talk to me until I'm done with a bagel, because this is gonna be almost erotic." (05:07)

c. Fatherhood, Grown-up Style

(05:13–05:27)

• Recent lesson: to get all grown children on a vacation, simply pay for the drinks.
• Colbert’s insight:
  • Stephen Colbert: "[I've learned] that you can get all of your children, even if they're all grown up, to go on a vacation with you if you pay for the drinks." (05:27)

d. Favorite Desserts and Sweets

(05:50–06:57)

• Questioned on dessert "spots," Colbert shares an appreciation for Amarino gelato—first discovered in France, then Italy, and now located in New York.
• Discussion takes a detour into baked goods and cookie cravings (and the disappointment of mistaking pretzels for cookies).

e. Dream Late Night Appearances

(06:57–10:00)

• Colbert reflects on the meta nature of being both host and "guest" during his Colbert Report days.
• Expresses a wish to experience the earliest Tonight Show with Steve Allen or to have witnessed the lost Johnny Carson episodes at 30 Rock.
• He references his recent assignment writing for The New Yorker’s 100th anniversary issue, responding to Kenneth Tynan's 22,000-word article on Carson.
• Notable quotes:
  • "I was the guest every night." (07:21)
  • "I would love to have seen the [Johnny] Carson [show] from 30 Rock. ... They just threw them all out." (08:41–08:50)

f. Joking About Presidents

(10:00–10:56)

• Colbert’s favorite president to joke about: Warren G. Harding.
• Claims Harding was "the most corrupt—until recently," and tells the tale of Harding losing the White House china in a poker game.
• Notable quote:
  • "Warren G. Harding lost the White House China in a poker game. Isn't that great? I long for those ethics." (10:22–10:30)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Nutty Enthusiasm:
  • "Nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty. Talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about nutty." – Stephen Colbert (03:09)
• On Bagel Ritual:
  • “Don't talk to me until I'm done with a bagel, because this is gonna be almost erotic.” – Stephen Colbert (05:07)
• On TV History Loss:
  • "NBC just destroyed them at a certain point. ... Who cared about tv? That was the idea. TV was not an art form." – Stephen Colbert (08:46–08:54)
• On Presidential Scandals:
  • “I long for those ethics.” – Stephen Colbert (10:30)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Pistachio sponsor banter & nut puns – 00:00–03:19
• Audience Q&A starts – 03:56
  • Favorite dinosaur – 04:00
  • Bagel order – 05:01
  • Fatherhood lessons – 05:13
  • Favorite dessert spots – 05:50
  • Dream talk show spots – 06:57
  • Presidential joke favorites – 10:00

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Tone & Takeaway

This episode is classic Colbert—warm, irreverent, and interactive—with playful sidebars between host, staff, and audience. The Q&A format provides both lighthearted personal detail and showbiz history, delivered in Colbert’s inviting and joke-laden style. For those who missed it, you’ll come away knowing Stephen’s breakfast order, his respect for talk show pioneers, and, of course, his undying affection for a well-timed presidential roast.

Transcript

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, everybody. Stephen Colbert here about to read the copy for our sponsor. This is from our friends at Wonderful Pistachios. And I was the wonderful pistachio spokesman for years. Yeah, I have a real close association with nut meat. Okay. You know what they say when they reach for a snack? Don't hold back. And that's exactly the approach with Wonderful Pistachios. The don't hold back snack. These little wonders are so tasty, it feels like getting away with something. But surprise. Each serving has 6 grams of protein and 0 grams of regret. That's right. No guilt. Just glory, glory in our nuts. Whether it's a satisfying crack of in shell pistachios, and that's capitalized in shell, or the smooth, instant gratification of no shells. No judgment. That's just it. Just eat. No judgment. I take issue with one thing. It's instant gratification. It's super tasty smooth.

[Writer/Producer]

It's a hard nut smooth.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly. I mean, even out of the shell, it's still a nut.

[Writer/Producer]

We can't disparage the nuts.

[Audience Member/Guest]

You.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm not disparaging the nut.

I'm describing the nut.

[Writer/Producer]

Don't disparage any flavors.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm not.

I am celebrating the pistachio right now. I'm on board.

I love pistachios.

[Writer/Producer]

I love.

[Stephen Colbert]

I love crushed pistachio.

Like a pistachio crusted trout. Oh, unbelievable.

Instead of a trout amandine, a trout pistachio. Fantastic.

Enough butter?

Who cares?

[Writer/Producer]

Very good.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I love pistachio ice cream.

[Writer/Producer]

Have you had the sea salt and vinegar? Wonderful pistachio. It's delicious. I get them.

[Stephen Colbert]

I didn't even know I get them.

[Writer/Producer]

Before the softball games.

[Stephen Colbert]

But that's.

You see, it's been a while since I've been the spokesman for wonderful pistachios. I didn't realize we'd achieved new pistachio technology.

[Writer/Producer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. Wonderful pistachios has every snack style covered. Right now. There's an obsession with jalapeno lime. There is an obsession session. It's almost a disorder. It's spicy, it's zesty. It's basically a flavor roller coaster in a nut. Snacking on the go. Grab a bag of no shells. Feeling contemplative and want to work for it a little. So earning it, they're saying if you want to earn your nut, crack open those in shell beauties. Either way, it's snacking like a champ. So the next time hunger strikes, don't hold back. Unless it's a hunger strike. And Then it's important that you do. Because whatever you're doing that for, I'm sure it's a worthwhile cause. Snack like you mean it with wonderful pistachios. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more.

[Writer/Producer]

That was a wonderful.

[Stephen Colbert]

I wonder what more there is to learn. We just told them so much. We just told them so much about pistachios. But evidently, there's a whole other world. There's an unexplored vista.

[Writer/Producer]

They got a bunch of flavors. They got dill pickle, jalapeno lime, as we learned, smoky barbecue. There's a lot of different flavors.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. And I would not disparage any of them.

[Writer/Producer]

No, no, no.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bring it on.

[Writer/Producer]

Nothing bad to say.

[Stephen Colbert]

Nut me.

[Writer/Producer]

Nut.

[Stephen Colbert]

Nut me with nut meat.

[Writer/Producer]

We're nut.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, we got nothing but nut. Nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty. Talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about nutty.

Good.

[Carvana Spokesperson]

Buying a car in Carvana was so easy, I was able to finance it through them. I just.

[Audience Member/Guest]

Whoa, wait.

[Carvana Spokesperson]

You mean finance? Yeah, finance. Got pre qualified for a Carvana auto loan, entered my terms and shot from thousands of great car options, all within my budget.

[Audience Member/Guest]

That's cool.

[Carvana Spokesperson]

But financing through Carvana was so easy. Financed. Done. And I get to pick up my car from their Carvana vending machine tomorrow. Financed.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right.

[Carvana Spokesperson]

That's what they said.

[Carvana Disclaimer Voice]

You can spend time trying to pronounce financing, or you can actually finance and buy your car today on Carvana financing, subject to credit approval. Additional terms and conditions may apply.

[Stephen Colbert]

Are there any questions I can answer before we get going here? I saw you first, man. Right there. Yeah.

[Audience Member/Guest]

What's your favorite dinosaur and why?

[Stephen Colbert]

My favorite dinosaur is probably the stegosaur. Cause I like those fins along the back and the spiky tail. Yeah. At the back. It was one of my favorite, like, little plastic dinosaur toys. Yeah. When I was a kid, I mean, everybody goes for Triceratops or the T. Rex, don't get me wrong. But Stegosaur is, like, way before the T. Rex. Right. Isn't there, like, almost as much distance between the T. Rex and the Stegosaur? As this is between the T. Rex and us or something? It's unbelievable. What's your favorite dinosaur?

[Audience Member/Guest]

Oh, my gosh. Thanks for asking. Protoceratops.

[Stephen Colbert]

Protoceratops. So it's got the shield but not the spines.

[Audience Member/Guest]

Correct. And a lot of teeth.

[Stephen Colbert]

Come on, baby, sell it. Sell it with sizzle.

[Audience Member/Guest]

I love it because it's Jurassic Park King Real. I can keep it in the house because it's the Size of a sheep.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

Good luck. Anybody else? Yes, you. Yes, you.

[Audience Member/Guest]

What's your bagel order?

[Stephen Colbert]

What's my bagel order? I like an everything toasted with cream cheese, lox, caper, onions and tomato. That's what I like. And a cup of coffee. Cup of coffee. Milk. Don't talk to me until I'm done with a bagel, because this is gonna be almost erotic. Yes, you do. Yes. What have you learned recently about fatherhood? What have I learned recently about fatherhood? That you can get all of your children, even if they're all grown up, to go on a vacation with you if you pay for the drinks. Anybody else? Yes, ma'. Am. In the blue, what's your favorite dessert.

[Audience Member]

Spot in the ocean?

[Stephen Colbert]

Favorite? Like, wow. People have dessert spots. Because I have dessert at the end of a meal, but I generally don't go someplace. You know what? How about this? I got one for you. There's a. I think it's amarone gelato, Upper west side. Like what? Amarino. Amarino, where are you? Raise your hand. Get out. Thank you. Amarino, by the way, which is a chain, like, they're in France. And I was just over there in Italy, and I saw one in a little town in Aosta, up there. It's really nice. Good gelato. Yeah. How about you? What's your fave?

[Audience Member]

Funny Face Bakery.

[Stephen Colbert]

Funny Face Bakery. And where's that?

[Audience Member]

In, like, SoHo area.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right, great. The chocolate chip cookie downstairs at one of my writers, when we were rewriting the show, I thought she was eating oatmeal raisin cookies, and I was gonna ask her for one. Turned out to be pretzels. I'm sorry for the salty talk, but when you got your heart set on stealing one of your writers. Oatmeal raisin cookies. Anybody else? Yes, sir.

[Audience Member]

If you could be a guest on any late night show or talk show ever.

[Stephen Colbert]

If I could be on any guest on any late night show or talk show ever. I mean, this is a pretty good one. The funny thing is. The funny thing is to ask. That is because on the old show, on the Colbert Report that I used to do, our joke, and it was a true joke, was that I was the guest every night. And that's why when I would introduce the guest, I would get up and walk over and get the applause from the audience, and then I would sit down because they were just there to witness me be at them. And they only had to go through.

Six minutes of it.

It wasn't that bad, But I guess I would want to be. I guess I would want to be on one of the really early ones, like Steve Allen, who started the Tonight show at the Hudson Theater as a radio show originally back in the early 1950s. And then what is it? 54. What year does he. 52. Do they take the second hour and a half and NBC, let's put that on the air. And Alan really started this whole thing by throwing what was sort of like a public after party for all of his like famous friends and artists and like stars of Broadway would stop. They would literally do their show and then stop by and like maybe do a song with Steve who sat on the piano. And it was like. It was literally an after party. And all these shows are supposed to kind of feel like that. And I would love to see what the first one was. You know what I really would like to see? And not because I want to be a guest or be interviewed by people because I don't like being interviewed that much, but I love the sound of my own voice. But I get plenty of that is that I wanted to see the Carson from 30 Rock. Cause all those tapes are burned. NBC. NBC just destroyed them at a certain point. They were like storage. They had storage issues. And who cared about tv? That was the idea. TV was not an art form. And so they were running out of storage issues. So they just threw them all out. So all of Carson's. There's some of his first night some like home like back in the day would have been like a real tech nerd. Back in the day was taping his own Carson and there's some of his opening monologue. But I would love to have seen the show. I just read 1978 for the New Yorker. They're doing their 100th anniversary. This is the hundredth year of the New Yorker magazine. And they're asking people who do a similar job to write a response to an article about someone who did a sort of job. Kenneth Tynan, the great writer, wrote a 22,000 word article on Johnny Carson. And they asked me if I would write a response to that article. Like what? 750 words. That's all I need to write. But it's like a sonnet, my friend. And like they asked Julia Louis Dreyfus to write about someone's profile of Carol Burnett and Ina Garden to write on somebody's profile of Julia Child. And so I did this and it was amazing to read all about what Carson was like in the old days. I mean I'm old enough to remember what he was like. In the old days. But to be reminded of basically what the style and tone of all these shows used to be. Like anybody else? Yes, ma', am, right there.

[Audience Member/Guest]

Of all of the presidents of the United States, which one do you love telling jokes about the most?

[Stephen Colbert]

Which ones do I love telling jokes about the most? Warren G. Harding. I do like Warren G. Harding. He was the most corrupt. Until recently. He was the most corrupt president. He was Warren G. Harding. Warren G. Harding was so corrupt that if you go to the White House and you go anybody been to the White House? Been to the China Room. The China Room. You'll notice that they have every china pattern, an example of every china pattern of the 20th century except Warren G. Harding. And why cuz Warren G. Harding lost the White House China in a poker game. Isn't that great? I long for those ethics. We're ready to go. Y' all ready to show? Y' all ready to do the show?

[Writer/Producer]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Y' all ready to do the show?

Everybody.

Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube.

Channel for more clips and exclusives.

Support.

[Navy Announcer]

For this podcast and the following message comes from America's Navy. The Navy offers new graduates hands on training and experience in careers like computer science, aviation and medicine, plus education and sign on bonuses. Parents help your grads start their career [e-mail] you say you'll never join the.

[Stephen Colbert]

Navy, that you never track storms brewing in the Atlantic and skydiving could never be part of your commute. You'd never climb Mount Fuji on a port visit or fly so fast you break the sound barrier. Joining the Navy sounds crazy. Saying never actually is. Start your [e-mail], america's Navy forged by the sea.