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Stephen Colbert
Thank you. Please have a seat, everybody. You're too kind. Thank you very much. Please, please rest your bones. Welcome one and all to the Late Show. Welcome, I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. And ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to say that tonight we bring you the premier episode of FBI Late Show. The reason today there has been a breaking development in the world of criming people because a person of interest was arrested in connection with last week's tragic shooting of United Healthcare's CEO. We have a name of the person apprehended. It's okay. A name that we will bleep before broadcasting this because if he didn't do it, I don't want to say it. And if he did do it, I don't want to say it. So for the rest of this monologue, just say his name is comically close to Guido Casserole. Now this event, this thing, this could be the end of the massive manhunt that began last Wednesday just blocks from this theater in midtown Manhattan and led authorities to today's arrest in Altoona, Pennsylvania. Classic bad guy mistake. Fleeing, fleeing to one of America's funny name towns. Police will always find you right away, whether it's Altoona, Pennsylvania, Rancho Cucamonga, California, or Sheboying, Wisconsin. We have some native Sheboingers here tonight. America has been breathlessly following the story ever since we learned the first details. For instance, how last month the suspect traveled to New York City from Atlanta by Greyhound bus. That's 18 hours on a Greyhound. Prison holds no fear for this man. You know, whole Greyhound slogan. What if a porta potty was stuck in traffic? We also know that after the shooting, the gunman rushed down an alleyway, fled the scene using an electric bike and rode to Central Park. And police have released this dramatization of the getaway. Now they get him. That's how they caught him. Under the radar, I think that is. New York police should be able to identify whether this person of interest down in Pennsylvania is in fact the suspect from New York because they obtained the suspect's DNA from a discarded Starbucks water bottle. They also found a discarded latte from the murder suspect, which was labeled Mordor sauce pack. I have a Mordor sauce pack. This story started tragic, and then it very quickly added weird because when authorities initially released security photos of the suspect, the Internet reaction was swift and horny. And this guy they caught down in Pennsylvania, Vinnie Rigatoni, he's got social media and we've been able to see it. And holy happy trail, Batman. You know that guy's Italian because you could grate parmesan on those abs. And we will have more on the story if that happens. There's also breaking news from the Middle East. Yesterday, rebel forces overthrew the Syrian government, putting an end to the regime of Bashar al Assad. Assad, famously, just awful. He was accused of dropping bombs and using chemical weapons on his own people. So it's no surprise that after he fled to Moscow, those people took to the streets, joyfully riding a torn down statue of Assad's father like a parade float. Pride month is different there. Okay. They also. What else did they do? They took a giant. Do we have this? They also took a giant bust of Assad's father and left it in a dumpster. No, no Syrian rebels. I get that you're happy. End of tyranny, blah, blah. But metal tyrant heads go in a separate bin and are only picked up on the fourth Tuesday of the month. Plus, did you wash it out first? Because if there's any peanut butter still in there, they will not take it. So the bloodthirsty dictator is gone and the people of Syria have been liberated. That's good news, I guess. I don't know. Because the rebels are a group called Hayat Tahrir Al Sham that was formerly linked to Al Qaeda, but since 2016, has been working to distance itself from its extremist roots. And to make the case that they've changed, rebel leader Abu Mohammed Al Jawlani has been using his real name, Ahmed Al Shara, except that when he's on stage, Ahmed Al Shara becomes Sasha al Fierce. We got a preview of what the president elect plans to do in his second first 100 days in office. In an interview this weekend on Meet the Press, host Kristen Welker asked him about pardons for insurrectionists.
Commercial Voiceover
You promised to pardon those who attacked the Capitol on January 6th. Are you still vowing to follow through with that promise? We're looking at it right now, most likely. Yeah. I'm gonna look at everything. We're gonna look at individual cases everywhere.
Stephen Colbert
Hey, that's not great news. But it does make this the perfect time for my new buddy comedy about two guys who bond over their presidential pardons. This season on cbs, it's Buffalo Hunter. They fight crimes that they cause. Trump has explained. Buffalo Hunter. Trump explained why it's right for him to pardon the people who tried to overthrow our government.
Commercial Voiceover
They've been in there for years, and they're in a filthy, disgusting place that.
Stephen Colbert
Shouldn'T even be allowed to be open. I didn't realize the January 6th rioters were being held in the bathroom of a White Castle. But Trump doesn't just want to pardon criminals who attacked our government. He also wants to arrest the people who investigated the crime. Because here's what he said about the January 6th committee.
Commercial Voiceover
Cheney does something that's inexcusable along with Thompson and the people on the unselect committee of political thugs and, you know, creeps. I think those people committed a major crime for what they did. Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
Honestly, they should go to jail. Nothing to see here, folks. He just wants to jail his political opponents. But, hey, on the bright side, 13 years from now, maybe rebels will be taking a fun sleigh ride on a statue of him. Trump was also. Don't know. Don't know. Or maybe it'll be great. Maybe it'll be great. Trump was also asked about his plan to impose a 25% tariff on imports.
Commercial Voiceover
Economists of all stripes say that ultimately, consumers pay the price of tariffs.
Stephen Colbert
I don't believe it. Can you guarantee American families won't pay more?
Commercial Voiceover
I can't guarantee anything. I can't guarantee tomorrow.
Stephen Colbert
Not exactly what you want to hear from the guy who's about to have the nuclear codes. It's like you're heart searching, saying, before I put you under, you should know I can't guarantee tomorrow. I mean, it's pretty tense in there, and it's hard to fight the urge to squeeze your ticker like a stress ball makes a funny noise. Trump also traveled to France for the reopening of Notre Dame Cathedral just five years after its devastating fire. I'm surprised they would let Trump visit a cathedral that just burned down, because if he gets too close to the holy water, he's going to burst into flames on the trip. Did it drive that did you drive that?
Commercial Voiceover
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
You got a little thing there, you know? On the trip, Trump met with French President Emmanuel Macron and they shared this very interesting handshake. There you go. There you go. Does he not. Does he not know how handshakes work? Put her there, pal. There you go there. Time for a hug. Bring it in. During the ceremony in the cathedral, Trump was seated near first lady Jill Biden. And that is an admirable example of people with different political views respectfully sharing the experience of a solemn ceremony is what I would say if Trump hadn't. And this is true, immediately turned the picture into an ad for his new Fragrance. In response, Dr. Biden used the photo to sell her new line of pepper spray. Trump's. I got. I got a little something. Except that Trump's new fragrance is actually called Fight, Fight. Fight. I'm sorry, that's copyright infringement. There's already a cologne named Fight, Fight. Fight, and it's called Tequila. The ad is captioned, a fragrance your enemies can't resist. Yes, the best way to defeat your enemies is with smell. Reminds me of this moment from the Lord of the Rings.
Commercial Voiceover
You have my sword. And you have my bow. And my axe.
Stephen Colbert
There you go. Sad news. I gotta. I gotta. Sad news from the world of food because the FDA is moving to ban red food dye. No, no, no. What am I going to eat now? Blue. It looks so cold. I want to eat something that looks warm and. Or cherry. This new declaration is going to affect a lot of food because Red 3 is in nearly 3,000 food products, including Pez, Peeps, and double Bubble chewing gum. I would just like to say, fda, you can't take away our food dye. For this is America. We fought and died for these freedoms. That's why we enshrined certain colors on our flag. Red symbolizes raspberry and the blue symbolizes blue raspberry and the white razzleberry. We got a great show for you tonight.
Commercial Voiceover
Coming up.
Stephen Colbert
Billy Crystal, you can get the most important meal of the day any time of day. I'm Talking about the $5 big deal breakfast meal from Jack in the Box, available all day and all night. A breakfast Jack with a freshly cracked egg, a hash brown, and French toast sticks for five bucks. Sounds good. For breakfast, lunch and dinner at Jack, every bite's a big deal. Order Jack's five dollar Big deal breakfast meal now.
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I love boy bands. I'm proud to say I'm in a boy band.
Stephen Colbert
Celebrate boy bands and the fans who love them.
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On Paramount, we would not Be who we are. Without the fans. I love you.
Stephen Colbert
From the director of Crossroads and Billy Madison. Get a behind the scenes look. The fans of boy bands all get the last laugh at a lasting legacy of talent.
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If those girls are reacting strongly, maybe we need to pay attention to how.
Stephen Colbert
Real and how authentic that is. Larger than life.
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The Reign of the Boy Bands New.
Stephen Colbert
Documentary now streaming exclusively on paramount. Go to paramountplus.com to try it. Free terms apply.
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The Showtime Original Series the Agency Lie to everyone.
Stephen Colbert
Risk your life on a daily basis. No glamour. No exploding. Watch. Starring Michael Fassbender, Jeffrey Wright, Jody Turner.
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Smith and Richard Gere.
Stephen Colbert
The CIA sends us out into the world to behave in dangerous ways. Whatever it takes. Make it impressible.
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You deploy undercover for years. People come back damaged from that. This is the Agency.
Stephen Colbert
Nothing is personal.
Commercial Voiceover
The Agency New series now streaming on.
Stephen Colbert
The Paramount with Showtime plan. Welcome back everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, monsieur and madame, my guest tonight is an Emmy Antonio award winning comedian who has been entertaining us for almost 50 years. He now stars in the new Apple TV. Please welcome back to the Late Show. Billy Crystal. Nice to see you again. Always a pleasure. Look at the people. Excited, excited for William Jefferson Crystal.
Commercial Voiceover
That's me.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah, exactly. Speaking of which, Bill Clinton. William Jefferson Clinton was on here a couple of weeks ago and I just found out that right after I interviewed him for practically the entire show. You interviewed him? Where were you? Up the Beacon Theater.
Commercial Voiceover
At the Beacon Theater.
Stephen Colbert
He went to the Beacon. What the hell? You trying to steal my game?
Commercial Voiceover
No, it was crazy. I got a call from his staff that his book was coming out called Citizen and that he wanted me to interview him live at the beacon for 90 minutes.
Stephen Colbert
Wow, that's two questions for Clinton. Yeah, that's true.
Commercial Voiceover
So I said, oh, do I have to read the book? And of course. So he sent the. I mean, I was.
Stephen Colbert
That's the most honest answer of all time.
Commercial Voiceover
So, you know, it's not my. I not done that. Yeah, you guys are, you know, you have to know that what Stephen and the Jimmies do every night is extraordinary because he just did 20 minutes of comedy. Now you're going to look like you're interested in me and at a music and you do it every night.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah.
Commercial Voiceover
So this was like, you know, it's extraordinary. So this was like a one nighter with him and it was like crazy good.
Stephen Colbert
What'd you ask him? What'd you talk about?
Commercial Voiceover
The first thing I said to him was, Mr. Clinton, can I call you Bill? You know, we have A lot in common. We both have the same initials, and that's about it. I said, but in the book, you talk about the hundreds of millions of dollars that you've raised to solve crises around the world. So I want to ask you this. Can you call Juan Soto? And apparently he didn't reach him because he's now with the match. Yeah, but it was very loose and it was fun, and I had a really good time. And it's something I've only done once before, which was sort of, you know.
Stephen Colbert
You do, but you did it for real. You did it.
Commercial Voiceover
Oh, boy.
Stephen Colbert
You did it. People don't know you guest hosted for the great Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show. When was this?
Commercial Voiceover
Oh, I'm guessing 1986.
Stephen Colbert
Wow. What was that like? Was Ed there?
Commercial Voiceover
No, Ed was.
Stephen Colbert
Was Doc there?
Commercial Voiceover
Doc was Ed and Tommy.
Stephen Colbert
Doc. Okay, There you go.
Commercial Voiceover
So you gotta. You gotta.
Stephen Colbert
I just love to even say those names.
Commercial Voiceover
I know. And I was so nervous when I got the call, and I don't usually get that nervous. I was panicked.
Stephen Colbert
You'd've done a lot of work at that point.
Commercial Voiceover
Yeah, but, you know, I just come off snl, so things were, you know, it was like a really good time. And I get to do, you know, the Tonight Show. So I get to NBC and Freddie DeCordova, the producer's in the parking lot waving me in like a guy bringing a plane in. And my parking spot is right next to Johnny Carson's spot. You know, it was like, crazy. Wow. So then, you know, my first guest was Howard Cosell. Right. Who I knew very well from this theater.
Stephen Colbert
Tell the people why people don't know.
Commercial Voiceover
Howard had a variety show called Saturday Night Live before. Before Saturday Night Live with Howard right in this theater, and they tried to turn him into Ed Sullivan. He had all these variety acts and so on, remotes and so on. So he was sitting right with your sitting ma'am when I walked in for my first network appearance, and Howard's sitting there. I remember eating a bagel, and he had, like, napkins coming out of his shirt. And Roon Arledge, who was a legendary, is trying to tell him about the feed they're going to do from San Diego with Shamu the killer whale. And Howard's screaming, how the hell am I going to interview a whale rune? The only thing we have in common is we both like herring. What the hell is going on here? Oh, hello. And that said we got to know each other.
Stephen Colbert
So on the night what he was on Carson, when you were saying yeah.
Commercial Voiceover
So I get a frantic call from the Tonight Show. Howard doesn't want to do a pre interview. He won't do a pre interview.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah.
Commercial Voiceover
So would you call him? So I call him. Howard. Hello, kid. How you doing? I'm good. Howard. Listen, I know I'm going to be there. Don't worry. I got it covered. Well, what would you like to talk about? I don't care. Whatever you want to talk about. You know, we're friends. We don't need to talk about things. Let's just make it natural. So now I'm in the dressing room. I'm really panicked to do this show. It's 15 minutes before the air.
Stephen Colbert
What people don't remember is that 16 million people are watching or something. Like it was a different television landscape.
Commercial Voiceover
Yeah. And they're gonna play the same theme song. When you walk out, you're gonna hear, ba, da, ba, ba. Oh, it's crazy. So I'm in the dressing room going over my monologue would be. And I don't know, Howard wants to talk about and so on. Knock at the door. Who is it? It's Howard. Okay, now we're going to get the answer right. Open the door. He's crying, and he's a little looped. And I said, howard, what's wrong? Oh, everything's. Everything's. That's what's wrong. My wife is not well. I'm closing chapters in my life now, but I'm here for you. I'll do the best I can. And he starts. He's wrong. Wailing. And he falls into my arms. And Howard was 6 foot 3, and I'm not. And I'm holding him up like this. It's like a scene from a movie. The door opens, and it's Freddy Decord of all cheers. Hello, boys. What the hell is happening here? He says, freddie, I'll be okay. I'll be okay. Don't worry about it. And he looks at me and goes, kid, whatever you want to talk about, I'm there for you, okay? I'm behind the curtain, panicked, right? Da, da, da da. And now, guest host. Boom. Goes out, do the monologue, sits down. I talk to Doc. Everything's good. My first guest, Howard Cosell, he walks out and he's put together, so he sits down right here. You're me. Howard, Great to see you. Of course, kid. You know, I told you I would be here. Great. This NFL strike is going to start on Monday. Players on strike. How do you feel about that? I don't want to talk about that. Okay, well, you know, Major League Baseball had a strike, but, Billy, why are we talking about that? It's old news. People want to hear something current. Let's go. What do you want to talk about? No matter what I would talk about, I don't want to talk about that. So finally, I know he's got a. He's got a big ego. So I say to him, howard, listen, of all the calls that you've made in all the different sports, what's your favorite call where you think you really were good in that particular call? But it was a good question. He goes into, like, an aria from an opera. Manila, the Philippines. Pearl of the South Pacific. Ali Frazier. The third time around. Frazier unable to answer the bell. Eddie Futch saying to his fighter, no more. No more. The thriller in Manila. Place goes berserk, Right? Go to commercial. I say, howard, that was amazing. And he leans over, puts his hand over the microphone. He says to me, did you notice how I dominated you? I do the same thing to Letterman. I was like, wow. Oh, God.
Stephen Colbert
We have to take a quick break, but we're going to be back with more Billy Crystal. Everybody stick around. You know who that is. It's Mr. Billy Crystal. Now you're executive producing, and you're starring in a new show on Apple tv. It's called Before. It's scary. Critics are calling it horror.
Commercial Voiceover
It's unnerving.
Stephen Colbert
Unnerving.
Commercial Voiceover
You've been watching the show?
Stephen Colbert
Yes. Do you enjoy being scared yourself?
Commercial Voiceover
Oh, yeah. I loved playing this. I was one of the creators of the show.
Stephen Colbert
Do you personally like being scared, though?
Commercial Voiceover
Sometimes.
Stephen Colbert
What's the scariest you've ever been? What's scared? Most scared you've ever been?
Commercial Voiceover
When they handed me my daughter when she was first born.
Stephen Colbert
How old are you? How old? How old are you?
Commercial Voiceover
25. I was 25. I was a substitute teacher for 45 bucks a day and not even a single comic yet. I was in a comedy group with two other great friends called Three's Company, actually. And where am I going in my life? And I'm handed this eight pound, four ounce, beautiful little girl.
Stephen Colbert
They didn't even have Xanax back then.
Commercial Voiceover
No. And going, what's. What is my life gonna be like? And you put it down and she's, you know, it's just helpless without you. And that's. That's the scariest thing.
Stephen Colbert
I have a similar feeling. When my daughter was born, I was unemployed.
Commercial Voiceover
Yeah, it's worth it.
Stephen Colbert
I don't recommend it. I don't.
Commercial Voiceover
No. And the second scariest thing is when I watched the Trump rally from Madison Square Garden. That was really terrifying.
Stephen Colbert
I missed that one. Yeah, because they have Xanax now. Okay, so I understand that the idea for the series came from you.
Commercial Voiceover
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
What was it and how, what inspired you?
Commercial Voiceover
It's a very circuitous route to getting to what before is my grandma, her family came from Russia here and before she passed away she made these tapes, audio tapes, which was very good thinking because after she's gone you can't make the tapes. So she made these audio tapes. You know, it's always when you say I did it in front of a live audience, of course. So she made these tapes about her life and how the family came to America with incredible stuff. So I started developing a show with my dear friend Eric Roth, who's an Oscar winning writer. Forrest Gump and Killers of the Flower Moon. He's amazing. And the show was originally called Deathbed. Fun title. But it was a drama about a very old man, a hundred year old guy who's giving his caregiver a list of names of people that he wanted to come to where he was staying. And it was a mystery about who all these people were. So there'd be decades of who this guy was and different people could play him as he got older. It was a really interesting. But we could never break what it was in the interim. My son in law gave me this book called Life Before Life, which is really fascinating. It's about kids who present with past life experiences. Right. They're two or three years old. They say, you're not my mommy, where's my mom? I want to go back to my other family. Right. Because I had given him this book called the Search for Bridie Murphy. Do you remember this book?
Stephen Colbert
No.
Commercial Voiceover
All right. Bridie Murphy was a true story. 28 year old woman goes into hypnosis and describes in full detail her life as Bridie Murphy in a town in Ireland 200 years before. And it was fascinating. It was really fast. So I gave him this book and he gave me this book about life before life. So we're in a writing meeting and we weren't getting anywhere with this hundred year old guy thing. I said, now wait a second, what if he's, what if he's not 100? What if he's 8? But he still has these memories. How spooky would that be? And so that became the genesis of what happened when Eric brought in a wonderful writer named Sarah Thorpe who took what we gave her and created this incredibly dark, strange, surreal world. And when she's talking about Dr. Eli Adler, who I would play, I said, oh, you know what? I want to play him.
Stephen Colbert
We have a clip here. What do we need to do?
Commercial Voiceover
Eli is now losing his mind a little bit, trying to stop a child psychiatrist. Yes, I'm a pediatric psychiatrist dealing with this amazing young actor named Jacoby Jupe, who plays Noah. And they're about to transfer him to an institution. I can't figure out what's going on with him. I'm a doctor who's based in science and facts. This kid is throwing me for a loop. And I feel like there's something else happening because. Why did he come to me? What's pulled with me and him? Something is going on. And I come to his foster mother, who's played wonderfully by Rosie Perez.
Stephen Colbert
Jim.
Commercial Voiceover
Fuck. Daddy. We gotta stop that transfer. You shouldn't be here. Listen to me. That facility in Ithaca, they can't help Noah. Oh, but you can. That seizure was caused by getting closer to his trauma. No, it was a result of getting closer to you. Do you really want Noah to spend the rest of his life as a ward of the state? Do you have any idea what happens to those kids? They're medicated, pacified, locked in, institutionalized. That's not treatment. That's maintenance. Do you really want that for Noah? Of course not. But what am I supposed to do, huh? No one over there is helping him. And you're surely not helping him. Ever since he's met you, he's only gotten worse. There's a reason he has that birthmark. Please, you need to leave now. There's a reason why he found me. We're connected.
Stephen Colbert
We're going to take another break, but we'll be right back with more Billy Crystal. Everybody. Look at this man. We're back with the star of before on Apple tv, Billy Crystal.
Commercial Voiceover
I'm counting.
Stephen Colbert
Yes.
Commercial Voiceover
Of all the things I've been fortunate to do.
Stephen Colbert
Yes.
Commercial Voiceover
This is, I think, the most special thing I've ever had to do. Cause it was.
Stephen Colbert
You've done some very special things, Billy Crystal.
Commercial Voiceover
Well, watch. Watch the show.
Stephen Colbert
I will.
Commercial Voiceover
I mean, because I just don't want.
Stephen Colbert
You to forget all the special things you.
Commercial Voiceover
I've been very fortunate. Yes, but this is. Cause it was such an away game for me.
Stephen Colbert
Sure. You know I don't associate you with the supernatural or the paranormal.
Commercial Voiceover
Yeah, but this is it.
Stephen Colbert
Or the normal at all, really.
Commercial Voiceover
That's true. It's. It was the most extraordinary experience as an actor. To play because I was. I was him. Every day we would shoot for 12, 14 hours. I'd come home, learn my words for the next day. The weekends were spent learning my words for the next week. So I was always sort of himself. And I've never had that experience in any other thing that I've done. You're able to do your work and go out and not this. This just stayed with me forever.
Stephen Colbert
Well, since you're here, I legally have to ask you something about a movie that came out 35 years ago. When Harry Met Sally. Speaking of great things. Speaking of great things you've done. Here it is. Here it is. It came out. It's a.
Commercial Voiceover
It's a. It's a.
Stephen Colbert
It's now, it's now a holiday. Everybody watches it. The holidays. They want to get it leading up to New Year's Eve there. Everyone's got their favorite moment from that movie. Mine is when Bruno Kirby says, you made a woman meow. And I just can't believe how dumb that is. And I love it. What is. May I ask what your favorite moment is from the movie? Moment or line? Either way.
Commercial Voiceover
Line.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah.
Commercial Voiceover
There's a close up. Thank you. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. There's another. All right, we'll lend them all.
Stephen Colbert
I'll have what he's having. Billy, great to see you. Thank you for listening to the late show pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.
Commercial Voiceover
Paramount streams all the football you want to football. We're talking NFL football, UEFA Champions league football and Big Ten football. So stream your football on Paramount plus Big Ten football available at the Paramount plus with Showtime.
Stephen Colbert
Plan only meet the world's first Israeli and Palestinian pop group as one. Arabs and Jewish people together it's special witness their quest for stardom. Five years in the making.
Commercial Voiceover
We're gonna have a whole page about.
Stephen Colbert
Us on Billboard magazine. It's really hard to be far from home can either bring us together or break us apart Everything is possible in this life we're good together as one. As one. The Israeli Palestinian pop music journey. A historic four part docu series now streaming exclusively on Paramount Plus. Go to paramountplus.com to try it free terms apply.
Podcast Summary: The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert
Episode: Billy Crystal (Extended) | Unusual Suspect
Release Date: December 10, 2024
Host: Stephen Colbert (CBS)
Guest: Billy Crystal
Platform: Paramount+
In the premier episode of the FBI-themed segment on The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert, host Stephen Colbert masterfully blends sharp political satire with heartfelt conversation. The episode, titled "Billy Crystal (Extended) | Unusual Suspect," features a mix of topical humor, insightful commentary, and an engaging interview with the legendary comedian and actor Billy Crystal. This summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, notable quotes, and the natural flow between segments.
Stephen Colbert opens the episode with a humorous take on a high-profile arrest related to the tragic shooting of United Healthcare's CEO. Instead of revealing the suspect's name, Colbert cleverly dubs him "Guido Casserole" [00:48], poking fun at the seriousness of the situation while maintaining a comedic tone.
"Now this event, this thing, this could be the end of the massive manhunt that began last Wednesday just blocks from this theater in midtown Manhattan and led authorities to today's arrest in Altoona, Pennsylvania. Classic bad guy mistake." [00:52]
He continues to mock the suspect's attempt to evade capture by fleeing to a town with an amusing name, emphasizing the inevitability of law enforcement catching up.
Transitioning to international news, Colbert addresses the overthrow of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad by rebel forces. He humorously critiques the rebels' actions, such as riding on a torn-down statue of Assad’s father.
"The rebels are a group called Hayat Tahrir Al Sham that was formerly linked to Al Qaeda, but since 2016, has been working to distance itself from its extremist roots." [03:30]
Colbert’s satire extends to pondering the future stability of Syria under new leadership, infusing geopolitical commentary with his signature wit.
Colbert delves into President-elect Trump's controversial statements about pardoning insurrectionists involved in the January 6th Capitol attack. He parodies Trump's intentions by imagining a buddy comedy titled "Buffalo Hunter," where the protagonists bond over presidential pardons.
"Buffalo Hunter. Trump explained why it's right for him to pardon the people who tried to overthrow our government." [06:30]
He further lampoons Trump’s visit to Notre Dame Cathedral and the subsequent absurdity of attributing fragrances to political figures.
"Trump doesn't just want to pardon criminals who attacked our government. He also wants to arrest the people who investigated the crime." [07:30]
Addressing domestic topics, Colbert humorously discusses the FDA’s move to ban red food dye, imagining the public's outrage over beloved products like Pez and chewing gum.
"FDA, you can't take away our food dye. For this is America. We fought and died for these freedoms." [10:36]
He playfully ties the color symbolism to national pride, blending humor with a relatable topic.
Stephen Colbert warmly welcomes Billy Crystal back to the show, highlighting his remarkable career spanning nearly five decades.
"Bill Clinton was on here a couple of weeks ago, and I just found out that right after I interviewed him for practically the entire show." [14:15]
Crystal shares an amusing anecdote about guest hosting for Johnny Carson in 1986, describing his nervousness and interactions with legendary figures like Howard Cosell.
"Howard had a variety show called Saturday Night Live before Saturday Night Live with Howard right in this theater." [16:17]
Billy recounts his first guest appearance, revealing the pressures and unexpected emotional moments of live television. He narrates a heartfelt encounter with Howard Cosell, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining composure under pressure.
"Howard was crying, and he's a little looped. I said, 'Howard, what's wrong?'... He falls into my arms." [17:57]
The conversation shifts to Crystal’s latest project, the Apple TV series "Before," a horror drama inspired by his grandmother’s audio tapes and the concept of past lives. Crystal delves into the show's genesis and creative evolution, providing listeners with an intimate look into his artistic process.
"It's a very circuitous route to getting to what Before is. My grandma made these audio tapes about her life and how the family came to America." [25:02]
He discusses collaborating with Oscar-winning writer Eric Roth and the influence of books like Life Before Life and Search for Bridie Murphy on the show's development.
"We weren't getting anywhere with this hundred-year-old guy thing. I said, what if he's not 100? What if he's 8?" [25:47]
Colbert and Crystal connect over personal stories, particularly the anxieties surrounding parenthood. Crystal shares his fears when his daughter was born, paralleling Colbert’s own experiences.
"When they handed me my daughter when she was first born... I was a substitute teacher and handed this eight-pound, four-ounce baby girl." [22:26]
Colbert empathizes, revealing his own challenges during his daughter's birth.
"I have a similar feeling. When my daughter was born, I was unemployed." [23:05]
The duo reminisces about Crystal’s iconic film, When Harry Met Sally, debating favorite moments and lines. Crystal highlights memorable scenes, adding depth to his reflections on his illustrious career.
"You made a woman meow. And I just can't believe how dumb that is. And I love it." [29:08]
Stephen Colbert on Suspect Naming:
"So for the rest of this monologue, just say his name is comically close to Guido Casserole." [00:48]
Trump's Pardoning Promise Parody:
"We're gonna look at individual cases everywhere." [06:18]
Billy Crystal on Parenthood Fears:
"I was handed this eight-pound, four-ounce, beautiful little girl... What's my life gonna be like?" [22:26]
Billy Crystal on Acting Experience:
"This is the most extraordinary experience as an actor. To play because I was him." [28:14]
When Harry Met Sally Favorite Line:
"You made a woman meow." [29:08]
This extended episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert seamlessly integrates sharp political and social satire with a heartfelt and engaging interview featuring Billy Crystal. Colbert’s ability to navigate between topical humor and sincere conversation provides a well-rounded and entertaining listening experience. Billy Crystal’s reflections on his career and personal insights add depth to the episode, making it a standout installment for both longtime fans and new listeners alike.
For those interested in more clips and exclusive content, Colbert encourages visiting The Late Show YouTube channel and streaming The Late Show with Stephen Colbert on Paramount+.
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