Brian Tyree Henry, Laura Benanti | Moscow Tool

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Moscow Tool" Episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Release Date: March 4, 2025
Guests: Brian Tyree Henry, Laura Benanti

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1. Opening Monologue: Trump's Oval Office Press Conference Meltdown

Stephen Colbert kicks off the episode with a sharp critique of former President Donald Trump's recent Oval Office press conference with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Colbert highlights the sudden and chaotic shift in U.S. foreign policy, emphasizing the unexpected alignment with Russia.

• Timestamp [01:05]:
  "Donald Trump reversed 80 years of post-war US foreign policy a mere six weeks ago. Now we're on the same pickleball team with Russia and you don't want to know whose pickleballs we're playing with."

Colbert humorously underscores the confusion and instability resulting from the abrupt policy changes, portraying former allies now as adversaries and vice versa.

2. Breakdown of the Trump-Zelenskyy Meeting

Delving deeper, Colbert narrates the events of the press conference that was intended to salvage U.S.-Ukraine relations but instead devolved into chaos.

• Timestamp [02:00]:
  "Zelenskyy was here to salvage our relationship with Ukraine by joining Trump in a signing ceremony where he would hand over to us 50% of the revenue from Ukraine's rare earth minerals. Instead, Trump and Zelensky's meeting exploded into a shouting match and talks collapsed in 10 fiery minutes."

He mocks the unprofessional conduct, comparing the fallout to a volatile sports match.

• Timestamp [03:23]:
  "Why don't you wear a suit?... In the Oval Office, there is a strict dress code of decorum. You must either look like a businessman or a guy trying to hand you a flyer outside of a strip club."

Colbert illustrates the tension between Trump and Zelenskyy, highlighting Trump's dismissive attitude toward formal protocols.

3. First Lady Melania Trump: A Satirical Interview

In a surprising turn, Melania Trump makes an appearance on the show. Colbert employs his signature satire to question Melania about her post-inauguration activities and perceived detachment from the White House.

• Timestamp [12:00]:
  "Since her husband's reelection, she has launched a multi-billion dollar cryptocurrency meme coin and sold a documentary about herself to Amazon for $40 million. It's all part of a personal rebrand that is being dubbed Melania Trump 2.0..."

The interview serves as a comedic exploration of Melania's ventures and her subdued public presence.

• Timestamp [15:33] - [19:45]:
  Throughout the interview, Melania makes absurd statements about her projects, such as:
  "I believe in this project so much that I would have taken that $40 million for free."
  "Oh, it is pronounced me, Me Coin. Other people are stupid enough to buy it, and all the money goes to me. Me."
  Colbert skillfully parodies her remarks, culminating in Melania's blunt observation:
  "I would say America is a lot like Melania. Trapped in a bad relationship with Donald Trump, just praying he doesn't screw us any more than he already has."

This segment satirizes the First Lady's efforts to remain relevant and profitable amid political upheaval.

4. Guest Segment: Brian Tyree Henry on "Dope Thief"

The episode's first guest, Brian Tyree Henry, an Emmy, Tony, and Oscar-nominated actor known for his roles in Atlanta, If Beale Street Could Talk, and Causeway, discusses his latest project—Dope Thief. Henry provides insights into his role, the show's premise, and his experiences in theater.

• Timestamp [21:01]:
  "Brian Tyree Henry... now stars and executive produces the limited series Dope Thief."

Henry elaborates on the show's plot, which follows his character Ray and his partner Manny as they con their way through robbing trap houses.

• Timestamp [27:21]:
  "So dope. Th. He follows my character Ray and his partner Manny, played by the amazing Wagner Moura from Narcos... they rob trap houses and then they rob one of the worst ones they possibly can."

The conversation shifts to Henry's Broadway experiences, particularly his role in Romeo and Juliet.

• Timestamp [23:36]:
  "I found out just a little while ago that I didn't meet you, but I introduced your number at the Tonys years back."

Henry shares anecdotes from his time in theater, including memorable moments like fighting with raccoons during outdoor performances.

• Timestamp [24:17]:
  "It was crazy, right?... I had to learn a lot of the colloquialism. So, for example, like, you can't say water. It's water. Like a water. Ice."

His humorous reflections on adapting to the Philadelphia setting for Dope Thief add depth to the discussion.

5. Conclusion and Upcoming Episodes

Colbert wraps up the episode by promoting upcoming content, including live coverage of Trump's State of the Union and introducing the next guest.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Stephen Colbert [01:05]:
  "Donald Trump reversed 80 years of post-war US foreign policy a mere six weeks ago. Now we're on the same pickleball team with Russia and you don't want to know whose pickleballs we're playing with."

• Melania Trump [17:43]:
  "Other people are stupid enough to buy it, and all the money goes to me. Me."

• Brian Tyree Henry [27:22]:
  "Dope Thief follows my character Ray and his partner Manny as they rob trap houses and then one of the worst ones they possibly can."

---

This episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert masterfully blends political satire with engaging celebrity interviews, offering listeners both humor and insightful commentary on current events and entertainment.

Transcript

[Kristen]

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[Stephen Colbert]

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[Melania Trump]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Welcome in here, out there, all around the world to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Tonight I just. Tonight I just want to start off, if y'all don't mind. On a personal note, I want to say thank you to my glam squad. They are the hard working men and women who zhuzh me up before the show. They had a big job tonight because the news this weekend was so horrifying that before I went through hair and makeup, I looked like this. Here's the deal. You see, on Friday, Trump held an Oval Office photo op with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy that turned into a press conference that mutated into a cluster munch in just 10 minutes. Donald Trump reversed 80 years of post war US foreign policy a mere six weeks ago. Keep in mind, a mere six weeks ago, America defended democracy against autocrats and promoted free and open societies all around the world. Now we're on the same pickleball team with Russia and you don't want to know whose pickleballs we're playing with. So our friends are now our enemies. Our enemy is now our friend. We're breaking up with Europe. We're friends with Russia. You could argue that's a good thing. You could argue that's a bad thing. But what you can't argue with is that's the thing. And keep in mind, Zelenskyy was here to salvage our relationship with Ukraine by joining Trump in a signing ceremony where he would hand over to us 50% of the revenue from Ukraine's rare earth minerals. Instead, Trump and Zelensky's meeting exploded into a shouting match and talks collapsed in 10 fiery minutes. So things were looking promising, but then everything exploded and collapsed. It's a phenomenon political scientists refer to as the Emilia Perez Oscar campaign. There was tension, really, right from the start. Right. There was tension in this meeting right from the beginning, when a far right reporter went all mom before church on Zelensky. My second question for president is Zelensky now. Do you ever.

[Kristen]

Why don't you wear a suit?

[Stephen Colbert]

You're at the highest. Why don't you wear a suit? You're at the highest level in this country's office and you refuse to wear a suit. Just want to see if you do. You own a suit? Yes. No. It's an important question. In the Oval Office, there is a strict dress code of decorum. You must either look like a businessman or a guy trying to hand you a flyer outside of a strip club. All right. Runway 69. Runway. We got classy girls. We got classy girls. In response to the reporter's suit question, Zelensky sassed his ass. I will wear costume after this war will finish. Yes, Maybe.

[Kristen]

Maybe something like that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Maybe something like yours. Yes. Maybe something better. Oh, oh, oh. Oh. No, he didn't. Damn. Damn. He's. Nice suit. The store where you bought that, they also have men's department. Seriously, where'd you get that suit, Joseph? A bankruptcy. Here's where things went from bad to first. JD Vance opened his wet little mouth, which is never a great start. He pops off criticizing the Western alliance for not appeasing Vladimir Putin. We tried the pathway of Joe Biden, of thumping our chest and pretending that the President of the United States words mattered more than the President of the United States actions. What makes America a good country is America engaging in diplomacy. Oh, for Pete's sake, that's not true. We all know Joe Biden never thumped his chest. It would have shattered like a creme brulee. Secret Service won't even let you near the man with a spoon. Zelensky reminded these idiots that you cannot trust Pete Putin. He broken the ceasefire, he killed our people, and he didn't exchange prisoners. What kind of diplomacy, jd, you are speaking about. What do you mean? Yes, jd, what kind of diplomacy are you talking about? An ally of the United States is defending his people from a bloodthirsty war criminal, and you're scolding him like a kid who left a wet towel on a wood floor, and you're doing it in front of a bust of Winston Churchill. He looks pissed. I Wonder what he's thinking. I will kick your ass on the beaches. I will kick your ass on the landing grounds. Oh, wait, I have no legs. Then Zelensky asked Vance if Vance even knew what the hell he was talking about.

[Kristen]

Conflict.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have you ever been to Ukraine that you say what problems we have? I have been to come once. I've actually watched and seen the stories, and I know what happens. Oh, yeah, JD's gotta have his stories. Yes. Watching a story about something is exactly the same as experiencing it. Babe, babe, I know what you're feeling. I've never given birth, but I watched Brizard Jones baby three times. I mean, seriously, where's my epidural? Trump got jealous of Vance's screen time, and he jumped in to paint a grim picture of Ukraine's chances against Putin. You're right now not in a very good position. You don't have the cards right now with us. You start having playing cards right now. You don't have playing cards. I wear. Listen, you're playing cards. You're playing cards. You're at a table. You're all at a table with a bunch of dogs who are drinking beer. You're the little bulldog. Vladimir Putin is the big, beautiful mastiff. And let me tell you, if you don't start thanking me, things are going to get rough. Zelensky kept reminding these numbnuts that Putin breaks every single deal he ever signs, which a reporter then asked Trump about.

[Melania Trump]

What if Russia breaks ceasefire?

[Stephen Colbert]

What if Russia breaks these talks? What do you do then? Understand that it's a heated conversation right now. What are you saying? She's asking, what if Russia breaks the ceasefire? What if anything, what if a bomb drops on your head right now? Yeah. That's how Putin's gonna break the ceasefire. This meeting was embarrassing and chilling and confusing. Or as Trump put it, this is going to be great television. I will say that. Look, as someone who works in the business, by which I mean the industry, you never want to make great television. You want to make good television. Great television means something has gone horribly wrong. Good television is any episode of Elsbeth. Great television is this. It's a small world pretending I was a UN interpreter. Good Lord. He's fine. Kelsey's fine. But that. That was great television. The room, the.

[Unknown Dietitian]

Wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

The room. The Oval Office there. It was packed with press, including an unnamed reporter from the Russian state media organization tass. Unnamed. Jim, can we see a picture of that reporter? Aha. Now, one group. What's it say up here? Said press. That's okay. One group of folks that was watching that great TV was everyone in Europe. Even before Trump's spittle had been squeegeed up, European leaders rallied around Zelenskyy. And messages of support fluttered in from Germany, France, the Netherlands, Spain, Austria, Belgium, Luxembourg, Sweden, and Ireland.

[Kristen]

Do you know.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you know how bad things have to get for all of Europe to agree on anything? They can't even agree on the way their toilets. In Germany, we believe there should be a SO viewing platform in the toilet so the vase can be examined before being removed. Using one of the nine different buttons on the top, Zelensky also received messages of support from political leaders in the former Soviet Union, including Poland, Croatia, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Moldova, Romania, and Slovenia. There was even a moving statement of support from one famous Eastern European aristocrat. A free Ukraine is part of a complete breakfast. European leaders were so disturbed by Trump's behavior that they held a hastily convened summit in London on Sunday. Stuff like that only happens during a real emergency. Like one of your gal pals announces she's getting married to a dj. Okay, everyone, over to my house right now. We cannot let Brenda marry a man who does not have health insurance but does have a coke spoon. At the summit, Europe pledged military support to Ukraine. And the president of the European Commission declared that Europe urgently needs to rearm and member states must be given the fiscal space to carry out a surge in defense spending. Oh, great. Europe's going to get their own giant military now. We can't rearm Germany. You know how they get, and they're good at it. I'll tell you who is happy, because after that disgraceful geopolitical rug pull, Russia is celebrating. Yes, they're celebrating Russian style. Drinking vodka out of a pickle jar while they stare bleakly out a window at a leafless tree. Party Rock is in the house tonight. Everybody going to have a good time. We got a great show for you tonight.

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[Stephen Colbert]

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen folks. As I've mentioned before, tomorrow night we will be live after we hear Trump's State of the Union. But one person we have not heard from much is First Lady Melania Trump. Melania did not appear with her husband at either the super bowl or or the Daytona 500, and her appearance at the inauguration seems to have been squeezed in between regional theater productions of Guys and Dolls. But invisibility hasn't stopped her from capitalizing on her position. Since her husband's reelection, she has launched a multi billion dollar cryptocurrency meme coin and sold a documentary about herself to Amazon for $40 million. It's all part of a personal rebrand that is being dubbed Melania Trump 2.0 and includes this official White House portrait that was apparently taken at the exact moment before her soul was sucked into the Phantom Zone. But all of this, folks, all of this makes me wonder what can we expect from Melania Trump's second term? And when will we finally hear from her? To finally hear from her. Please welcome First Lady Melania Trump.

[Melania Trump]

Hello, Stephen. It is a pleasure for you to see me again.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, we'll find out. Madam First Lady. I see you are really committed to this new look.

[Melania Trump]

Oh, that's right, Stephen. This is Melania 2.0 and it is giving background actor on suits or a lawyer for tables.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, I can't help but notice that you're at the White House right now, but there are reports you actually haven't been spending much time there.

[Melania Trump]

Oh, yes, I have been splitting my time between Mar a Lago, the White House and Camp David.

[Stephen Colbert]

Really? The presidential retreat in Maryland?

[Melania Trump]

No, Camp David is when I imagine I am camping with David Beckham. Oh, toast my marshmallows, David. Bend me like Beckham.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, okay, okay. It's a family show, ma'am. It's a family show. Now, now that you're in Washington, have you met with members of the new administration?

[Melania Trump]

Oh, of course. I had a great talk with Elon Musk about eliminating federal jobs, hopefully starting with First Lady. And I just met the new Secretary of Health, Rif Kajer.

[Stephen Colbert]

You mean RFK Jr?

[Melania Trump]

That's what I said. He is so down to earth, you'd have no idea who his father was.

[Stephen Colbert]

Actually, I do know that merely Bobby.

[Melania Trump]

Kennedy and his uncle was John Kennedy Mellencamp. Jack and his beautiful wife Diane, sucking on chili dogs outside the Tasty Freeze.

[Stephen Colbert]

That certainly paints a picture, madam. Now, you're notoriously private, but you recently sold a behind the scenes documentary about you to Amazon for $40 million is just an attempt to cash in on your role as First Lady.

[Kristen]

What?

[Stephen Colbert]

No.

[Melania Trump]

I believe in this project so much that I would have taken that $40 million for free.

[Stephen Colbert]

Speak. Speaking of money, some people were surprised you released your own crypto meme Coin.

[Melania Trump]

Oh, it is pronounced me, Me Coin. Other people are stupid enough to buy it, and all the money goes to me. Me.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, that. That's just it. The last time you were, there was some sympathy for you, but this time it seems pretty clear that you're just grifting your own followers.

[Kristen]

No.

[Melania Trump]

What now? Their money is just a gift to me? After all, you can't spell grift without gift. And you can't spell gift without if. But if will never become I, because I don't give an F.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, good to know. That's good to know. Madam. Madam first lady, moving on to your husband's speech, what can you tell us about the state of the Union?

[Melania Trump]

Oh, the state of our union is the same. He reaches for my hand, I smack it away. He goes for the other hand. I twist it away like this. He goes for a kiss. I do can move.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, ma'am, I meant. What. Ma'am, don't. Don't scare. Don't scare me like that. I, I. Ma'am, I meant what will we hear tomorrow during your husband's speech?

[Melania Trump]

Well, you will hear whatever bull crap flies out of his mouth, but I'll be hearing Sabrina Carpenter play on my secret earpods. Heartbreak is one thing, my ego's another. I beg you, don't embarrass me, Mother.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, that's enough. That's enough now, Ma. Madam first lady, before you go, I need you to know, how do you personally feel things are going in this country?

[Melania Trump]

Oh, Stephen, I don't like to get involved in politics except for the money I make from it. But if I had to say my own state of union, I would say America is a lot like Melania. Trapped in a bad relationship with Donald Trump, just praying he doesn't screw us any more than he already has.

[Stephen Colbert]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Welcome back my friends and neighbors, ladies and gentlemen, My first guest is an Emmy Tony. An Oscar nominated actor you know from the hit show Atlanta and films like if Beale Street Could Talk and Causeway. He now stars and executive produces the limited series Dope Thief. Please welcome to the Late Show. Brian Tyre Henry. Wow. I like the denim on denim, Are they all.

[Kristen]

Well, a Canadian tuxedo never goes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly.

[Kristen]

Are they always like this? You guys are amazing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Only for you. Only for you.

[Kristen]

Thanks.

[Stephen Colbert]

But, you know, I mean, as a Broadway theater. You know Broadway theater?

[Kristen]

There is a Broadway theater.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know Broadway?

[Kristen]

I do.

[Stephen Colbert]

I found out just a little while ago that I didn't meet you, but I introduced your number at the Tonys years back. The first year that Book of Mormon was on, the year you guys won everything. What was that show like? Because no one knew what to expect. And then it hit Broadway and just exploded.

[Kristen]

It was crazy, right?

[Stephen Colbert]

Like, few things do.

[Kristen]

It was interesting because, like, it became such a phenomenon that you had people kind of doing what I call Mormon core. So, like, they would come in costume, but you didn't know if they were real Mormons or not.

[Stephen Colbert]

So guys in, like, white shirts and.

[Kristen]

Black pants with the name badges and everything. And then it got even more intense. Cause then they would stand outside the theater and give away Books of Mormons. So in a way, actual Mormons. Actual. I guess that's how you could tell they're actual Mormons. Cause they're actually out there giving.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's smart. That is smart.

[Kristen]

That's brilliant.

[Stephen Colbert]

Market. That's jujitsu, man. Yo, I'm telling you, don't fight it. Ride it. Ride the energy.

[Kristen]

No, man, the Mormons know the sauce. They know the sauce.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now, for those who haven't seen the show, a. It's still playing.

[Kristen]

Still going.

[Stephen Colbert]

Still going. But the. The.

[Kristen]

You.

[Stephen Colbert]

You originated the role of General Butt Naked. I'm not sure what part of that is getting bleeped, but ask me about.

[Kristen]

My audition for it. No, don't. Don't ask me for an.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm curious. Like, what do you. What do you bring to that? Like, what special did Brian Tyre have to bring to that?

[Kristen]

Well, that was a special time because, like, the original cast, we all were collaborators. Trey and Matt, the creators, were very instrumental in us bringing what we wanted to the characters. And so at one point in rehearsal, you know, Trey was like, brian, just say everything at some point. And I was like, say no more. And so at some point, I just went, I'm General Butt Naked. And it stuck. Now, just to be clear, there is a real General Butt Naked out there. Oh, God, I hope he doesn't watch the Late Show.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, but he's a minister now.

[Kristen]

Yeah, he's a. And he converted to Christianity. So, like. So I just put in there and made it to butt.

[Stephen Colbert]

Nigga.

[Kristen]

There's a Difference.

[Stephen Colbert]

I believe it fits almost anywhere.

[Kristen]

Anywhere story.

[Stephen Colbert]

Your stage debut, Shakespeare in the park, right? Yeah. 2007.

[Kristen]

Romeo and Juliet.

[Stephen Colbert]

There you are. This is fighting. There's you. There's you. And that is a young Oscar Isaac.

[Kristen]

A young Oscar. Oscar Isaac as Romeo. In the New York Times, it was noted as the most homoerotic fight of the summer.

[Stephen Colbert]

Congratulations.

[Kristen]

Thank you. Congratulations. That's how, you know you made it.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's fantastic.

[Kristen]

It was a great time. That was straight out of grad school. I went straight into that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you enjoy the stage fighting?

[Kristen]

Oh, man. Well, it's different on that one. Michael Greif. Amazing. Michael Greif directed this. And there was a reflecting pool that I had to fight in every night. It was the summer, and it was hot, so it was good to be able to die in water. Except that, you know, when you do outdoor theater, there's creatures. And by creatures, I mean, like, raccoons. So at some time. And so my body has to stay on the ground, dead for however long. And there was one night that the entrance by the prince was missed. He completely forgot his entrance. And I'm laying just there. And then, like, one of the pages on the. They were like, don't move. There's a raccoon that's coming across the.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. He was there to wash his food.

[Kristen]

And the wash. Yo. I was like, why do I. Because what do you do? You don't want to like. But, wow, that's how, you know, you made it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Um, you. You. You had the quintessential New York actors experience, which I did, too. Which is at some point, you have to be on Law and Order.

[Kristen]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Legally.

[Kristen]

Also, before we go there, before I want to tell you how long I've loved this man. So, like, if it wasn't for you, I would never have understood. This means so much to me. You got the most homoerotic interview you've had in a long time. I am a huge fan of Strangers with Candy. Like, I used to watch it every single day. I had it on box set. Okay, so box sets are these DVDs. So DVDs are these. But Mr. Noblet was my favorite character.

[Stephen Colbert]

Chuck Noblet.

[Kristen]

Chuck Noblett.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Kristen]

Also in a crazy homoerotic relationship in that show, the first Mr. Jelinek. And there was a scene that you guys have that I still live to like. It's one of my models right now. You went to Mr. Jellynick and you were like, stop pushing me away. And he went, I'm not pushing you away. I'm Pulling me towards myself. And I thought it was just the most brilliant thing ever in the world. Even though it was the most abusive relationship on television at the time.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Kristen]

Like, I think you guys invented gaslighting. Like, I think it started between the two of you, but.

[Stephen Colbert]

But this moment right now, an abusive relationship.

[Kristen]

It was abusive. Remember the bathroom love affair you had? And the urinals.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're at the urinals. We have. We have. We get together in one of the. Against one of the. What's it called? The stalls there.

[Kristen]

The stalls, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

And my mother, when she saw the pilot, which is. That was the very first episode, she goes, oh, I love. It's so funny. When Paul and Steven started wrestling.

[Kristen]

Just to be clear, they were in a bathroom, a public bathroom, to meet each other and they have an intense sex scene in this bathroom.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, I think they got the idea.

[Kristen]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

I just wanted to hand out flyers. Thank you very much.

[Kristen]

Great. It was.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, no, no, we went for it.

[Kristen]

I love you. That's all I wanted to say.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, that's. I love you too.

[Kristen]

I had to make sure I shared that. Oh.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. You've got the new show, Dope Thief.

[Kristen]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Your star and executive producer.

[Kristen]

Congratulations on a first time ep. Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's it about?

[Kristen]

So dope. Th. He follows my character Ray and his partner Manny, played by the amazing Wagner Moura from Narcos. I know you guys know who that is. And so there are two guys who come up with a con of how to rob dope houses and they rob the wrong one.

[Stephen Colbert]

They just. They go into. They rob other criminals.

[Kristen]

Yeah, they're criminals. They're ex cons. And they figure the best way to get money is to rob trap houses. And so they rob them and then they rob one of the worst ones they possibly can. And then you watch them, you know, run for their lives for eight episodes. It's wonderful.

[Stephen Colbert]

We have a clip here. What do we need to know?

[Kristen]

Oh, we got a clip. This clip is between me and my mother, played by the wonderful Kate Mulgrew. I have just come from robbing the trap house and I'm trying to lie to her about what I've been doing. And she needs a retainer and I have the money for the retainer, but I don't know who it's going to. And it's just our relationship. It's pretty intense.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jim, are you dealing dope? Raymond, be honest with me.

[Kristen]

No, Ma, come on. No, I swear to God. Actually, actually, I'm doing the opposite of that. The exact Opposite of that.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's the opposite? A charity.

[Kristen]

Yeah, you the charity.

[Stephen Colbert]

I paid a fortune for this retainer. You know, it gives me a headache to think how much it costs. These people, they'll take advantage if you're not watching every second.

[Kristen]

Hey, come on, come on, come on, come on. What you doing?

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, hey.

[Kristen]

No, no, no, no.

[Stephen Colbert]

Come on. You supposed to be packing.

[Kristen]

Come on.

[Stephen Colbert]

Didn't you hear me, Raymond? I just paid a retainer and I gotta meet with this person.

[Kristen]

All right, Wait, wait. A retainer? What, you need a retainer? Is that what the 10 GS was for? A retainer? You better not tell me that. This is more bull for that Nick. For my father.

[Stephen Colbert]

I won't tell you nothing.

[Kristen]

Damn, Ma. Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

The show takes place. The show takes place in Philly.

[Kristen]

Yes, Philly. Go Birds. I just gotta do a Go Birds.

[Stephen Colbert]

Didn't you know Philly much before you were there?

[Kristen]

You know what? I lived in New York for over 13 years, and I would go to Philly sometimes, but I'd be in the streets of Philly. So when I went back, this time as an adult, I was like, there's museums here. I didn't even.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now, there's a very specific Philly accent.

[Kristen]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

That you had to work on that.

[Kristen]

Yes. I really wanted to make sure that I was authentic as possible. I did not want anybody rolling up on me in the street from Philly, being like, nah. So, But. Which meant I had to learn a lot of the colloquialism. So, for example, like, you can't say water. It's water. Like a water. Ice.

[Stephen Colbert]

Water.

[Kristen]

Water.

[Unknown Dietitian]

Yeah, water.

[Kristen]

And also, there is a wonderful term called john.

[Stephen Colbert]

What does john mean?

[Kristen]

Like, that's a john. Like a cup, this whole john right here. You know what I'm saying? Like. Like, look at that john right there. Like, look at john. It's basically a verb, a noun, an adjective. It's all those things, and it means all those things.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hand me that john. Yes, Stephen, hand me that john. But John, like, John, John, put some water in my john.

[Kristen]

Water in my john. I'm turned on.

[Stephen Colbert]

But a person can be a john.

[Kristen]

Yeah. Like your band's a whole john right now. Like, look at that. Look at.

[Stephen Colbert]

So it is a good thing. Is it a good thing?

[Kristen]

It's a good thing. It's a bad thing. It's encompassing everything. It's all things. This whole thing's a john.

[Stephen Colbert]

Nice to meet you, man. Thanks for being here.

[Kristen]

I'm so grateful.

[Stephen Colbert]

First two episodes of Dope Thief premiere March 14th on Apple TV. Brian Tyree Henry, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. Survivor 48 is here, and alongside it, we're bringing you a brand new season of On Fire, the only official Survivor podcast. If you're a Survivor super fan, you won't want to miss this deep dive into every episode where we break down how we design the game, the biggest moves, your burning questions. It's the only podcast that gives you inside access to Survivor that nobody else can listen to. On Fire, the official Survivor Podcast with me, Jeff Probst, every Wednesday after the show. Wherever you get your podcast.