Transcript
Stephen Colbert (0:00)
It's time to refresh your yard during Spring Backyard Days at the Home Depot. Get low prices guaranteed on propane grills starting at $179 like the next grill 3 burner gas grill. Or get $50 off a select Weber spirit Grill and bring big flavor to your backyard. Then set the scene with Hampton Bay string lights that bring it all together. Shop Spring backyard days for seven days at the Home Depot. Now through May 6th. Exclusions applies to homedevot.com Pricematch for details. Welcome, welcome, welcome, friends to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. And to everyone, to everyone, to everyone watching here and at home, may the 4th be with you. Because of course we know May 4th is international star Wars Day. In fact, the whole month is important to Star wars fans, or as they call themselves, Beliebers, because the first six films all debuted in May. And this year we're getting the first new Star wars film in theaters since 2019. Star the Mandalorian and Grogu. Obviously. Obviously I'm thrilled that Baby Yoda is getting a spin off, but I'm worried he's going to end up like all child stars. DUI Rehab. Then hosting his own Netflix dating show. Grogu's Bang Boy Beach Gros.
Christopher Nolan (1:36)
Gru's Gros.
Stephen Colbert (1:36)
Gru's Grogu There. This new Star wars film has plenty of big names because Jeremy Allen White will star. And this is true. He is starring as Jabba the Hutt's son. Oh yes, Chef Jubba Jubba. I wouldn't. It wouldn't be Star wars without toys and tie ins. For this movie, Burger King is rolling the items out like BBQ Bounty Whopper and Imperial Cheddar Ranch Tots. And Nabisco is launching Grogu Nilla Nummies, an amazing treat for any kid who's always wanted to eat Grogu's eggs. Skin poop, we're not sure. I don't think this one was cleared over at Skywalker Ranch. But today, and this is absolutely true, pornhub updated their logo to include the symbol of the Rebel alliance, which makes sense. Everybody loves Star wars themed pornos like Obi Wan can bone me, R2, double D2, and of course, Hand Solo. In this one, Hand definitely shoots first. But stars aren't the only place the stars. Okay, everybody stay calm. Of course the stars aren't the only place there's a war. There's also one in Iran. Well, good segue. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, graphics department. Well, over the weekend, Iran submitted a 14 point plan to end the war. It's pretty one sided. They propose that both sides lift their blockades of the Strait of Hormuz, Israel completely end the war in Lebanon, the US release Iran's frozen assets, require the US to pay compensation and lift all sanctions against Tehran. In addition to Iran would get the new Grand Theft Auto, free guacamole in participating Chipotles and a hall pass to sleep with Lady Liberty's sister Tammy. Tammy's fun. Tammy's way more fun. Trump rejected the offer and yesterday he posted this image saying I have all the cards which may have seen. This is cool. Except you might notice the cards Trump is holding are from the game Uno, where quite famously the object to get rid of all your cards. I have so many cards. No, I have so many cards. Look at this. I have so many cards. This idiot over here. Just hold on. There we go. Here we go. This idiot over here just played a draw four and I get to draw four more. I got so many cards. I got the three of hearts, I got the Blockbuster membership Charizard. The longer this goes on, just the worse things get for average consumers. Last week crude oil hit a wartime high, trading above $126. And I'd say Iran has America over a barrel. But we can't afford a barrel. Can we do this over a bucket? As a result, today the average price of gas hit $4.46 a gallon. God knows what it's doing to the price of grass and ass, but come on, ask your parents, ask your grandparents. But you gotta give it to President Trump. He campaigned on two dollar gas and now he's delivering more than twice what he promised. One Wall street trader. Thank you. Do my own. Did my own. One Wall street trader explained why oil prices suddenly spiked. They thought this crisis in the Strait would be short lived due to the infamous taco or Trump always chickens out. But it turned into a nacho, which stands for Not a chance Hormuz opens. Well, if I may, I'd like to suggest my own acronym, carnitas, which stands for can anyone recommend nursing home? I think his brain sp this. That's very pretty. I don't know what that is, but that's very pretty. The high price of fuel took its toll this weekend because yesterday Spirit Airlines shut down. Oh no. I have three more weeks of shows to do. Now I won't have Spirit Airlines jokes. Quick, somebody check on Arby's. The Spirit Airlines of shaved beef. Spirit announced their immediate closure in a statement saying all flights have been Canceled, and customer service is no longer available. Which, coincidentally, was also Spirit's motto. One more for the road, baby. So Spirit is gone, but there are still plenty of safe and reliable airlines out there, like United. What's new with them? Well, yesterday, a United Airlines plane struck a bakery truck on the New Jersey Turnpike. I know that sounds bad, but trust me, it looks so much worse. I'm going to show you the dash cam footage of the bakery truck, but first I just want to stress everyone's okay. Which is surprising because check this out. Dashcam footage shows the moment a truck is struck as the United Airlines flight approached Newark Liberty International Airport Sunday afternoon. If you look closely, you can see what appears to be the wheel of the plane out the driver's window. I know that is shocking, but don't forget, this accident was predicted 25 years ago by the opening of the Sopranos. Thankfully. Thankfully, neither the driver or anyone on the plane was hurt, and investigators are still trying to figure out what happened. But I think I found a clue. It turns out this flight was arriving from Italy's Marco Polo Airport. Well, there's your answer. Okay, tower. Okay, tower, Tower, we are coming in for landing. I'm just going to put on my blindfold. Marco. Marco, please respond. Polo, I smell dinner rolls. Well, Spirit Airlines isn't the only iconic company we lost this weekend because after nearly 30 years of service, Ask Jeeves has shut down. If you're unfamiliar with Ask Jeeves, which went on to become ask.com, it was an Internet search engine originally depicted as a snooty British butler who was later 3D rendered and rebranded, apparently as a pervert who liked to watch. In a statement, Jeeves parent company said to you, the millions of users who turn to us for answers in a rapidly changing world, thank you for your endless curiosity, your loyalty, and your trust. Well, thanks a lot, Jeeves. That's what I was gonna say on my last show. We got a great show for you tonight.
