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Stephen Colbert
Welcome to the Late show everybody. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks, Donald Trump. Donald Trump is in Beijing for his big diplomatic visit to China. Or as we're calling it, nothing. We only got five shows left. We can't start doing new segments. Day one or possibly two of the visit kicked off yesterday. By which I mean this morning. That in China is tomorrow. The leaders greeted each other with an inspiring display of hyper masculine hand dominance. Okay, moving in. Normal shake, little hand pat. Okay, that seems like enough. If you love something, let it go.
David Letterman
Okay.
Stephen Colbert
No, you hand pat again and land break. There you go. I'm exhausted just watching it. Yeah, I know, right? Xi better be careful. If he touches Trump for too long, he might catch a case of five day old banana hand. It's upsetting, isn't it? Then China treated our president to the kind of Vegas dictator pomp and padrishy razzle dazzle that Trump loves, including a full honor guard and some honor children. Look at that. Those kids are so happy that they got the day off from the iPhone factory. They're obviously that joke. That joke is based on a true story that I read on my iPhone. They're obviously adorable. But what's really worth watching is the kid's response the moment Trump walks away. Did they unplug the kids? Later on, Trump talked about the. Welcome.
David Letterman
Well, President Xi, I want to thank you very much.
Stephen Colbert
First of all, that was an honor like few have ever seen before. And I think I was particularly impressed by those children.
David Letterman
They were happy. They were beautiful.
Stephen Colbert
But those children were amazing. Dad, Dad, I can jump too. Dad. Dad, dad, be amazing me. Dad. I'm ready to be happy and beautiful. And he's gone. Yeah. But there's one thing. Oh, thank you. No, you. But there's one thing. There is one thing that Trump loves more than those kids, and that's Xi Jinping.
David Letterman
You're a great leader. I say it to everybody.
Stephen Colbert
You're a great leader. Sometimes people don't like me saying it, but I say it anyway because it's true.
David Letterman
I only say the truth.
Stephen Colbert
Congratulations. I only say the truth was Donald Trump's one billionth lie. Johnny, tell him what he's won.
David Letterman
Nothing. Not even a dinette set from Broy Hill. Broy Hill. Suck it, Donnie. I'm outta here.
Stephen Colbert
Steve.
David Letterman
Oh, no. I've had a horrible accident. Call 91 1. I've crashed into a Broy Hill. Broy H. Back to you, Steve.
Stephen Colbert
President Xi also gave some initial remarks where he posed this.
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Can China and the United States overcome the thucydides trap?
Stephen Colbert
Oh, come on, President Xi. I'm pretty sure Donald Trump doesn't know what the thucydides trap is, unlike the rest of us. Cuz obviously we know what traps are. And then you just add to that everything you know about thucydides, which I believe is a new prescription ointment to treat moderate to plaque psoriasis. All the news teams are on the ground in China to cover this epic and historic summit. All except one. Because our CBS News colleague, Tony decopal is being forced to broadcast from Taiwan after failing to get a Chinese visa in time. Well, that is disappointing. But it does fit in with their slogan, CBS News. When events happen, we're at most one country away. Some news networks did somehow manage to be in the place that they were covering, like ABC's Dave Muir, who stopped by Beijing this conference to learn more about robotics and AI. You've taught the robot how to bow, but you think that's just the beginning. Yes, they tell us. Proud to show us this through artificial intelligence. You've trained the robot to be able to lay down and then get back up. They program these robots with data on human movement. This robot weighs 121 pounds. Laying completely down. Hey, that robot took the job I'm starting on May 22nd. So. That robot can do more than just nothing. It's designed to do household tasks as well, which Mir explained. You're convinced this robot is going to be able to do chores in the family home?
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You have a waist. That means makes it more flexible.
Stephen Colbert
The waist.
David Letterman
The waist, yeah.
Stephen Colbert
It's all in the hips. Now that may not look like much, but that robot is actually doing the important household chore of a husband annoying his exhausted wife. Hey, babe. Hey, babe. I know my mom will be here any second and I still haven't fixed the fire alarm and the shower is dirty, but watch this. Babe. Hey. Hey. Babe, look. Babe. Babe, Babe. I'm Shakira. Babe. Babe. You know what? After that I could use a good lie down. Fox News sent their cyborg prototype, Bret Baer to China. Here he is being fascinated by a self service robot. This is the first of its kind for this kind of interaction. If you want to order something.
David Letterman
Hello, can I get a sausage please? Okay.
Stephen Colbert
Wow. We have finally achieved the dystopian future that was warned about in the Terminator. I'll be brought. Of course I would like a sausage, please. Of course. That's what it looks like when you order during the day. If you order at night, it's a little different.
David Letterman
Hello, can I get a sausage please? Okay,
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order up.
Stephen Colbert
Whoa, whoa. It's a family show, Louis. During the summit, the White House announced that Trump and Xi agreed that the Strait of Hormuz must stay open. Well, thank goodness, because the blockade is affecting something we all hold dear and that is snacks. You see, due to reduced supply of petroleum around the globe, which is needed to make certain colored inks, a Japanese snack giant must resort to black and white bags of potato chips. You fools. You have angered the snack giant. And I'm being told we have a photo of it terrorizing Tokyo. That is. That is one big. That is one big. That is one big Little Debbie. The affected brand is called Calby and it makes potato chips in the flavors beef consomme, seaweed, salt and shrimp. You know their slogan, once you pop it is shrimp. Let's take a look. Let's take a look at how they were forced to redesign. Here is the original bag. Bright colors, bold text and a bossy little potato mare. Spudsplaining to the citizens of Tater Town. Normal snack stuff. Compare that to the new bag. Okay. That is a snack in the grip of an existential crisis. Salty like the taste of my tears. With every bite I move one crunch closer to the grave. Also available in Flamin Hot Chili Peno. Things are also a mess over at the. Oh yeah. Thank you. Primarily an actor. Primarily an actor. At this point. Things are also a mess of the Food and Drug Administration because Trump just appointed a new acting head of the fda, an obscure Florida lawyer named Kyle Diamantis. Okay, that's three strikes right off the bean. He's not a doctor, he's obscure, and he's named Kyle. I don't want Kyle running the fda. At most, I want a Kyle to rent me a stand up paddle board. Kyle is replacing former FDA head Marty Makary, who was fired earlier this month after the president scolded him for not approving fruit flavored vapes. Yeah, get out of here you loser. You lung hugger. The FDA is cool. Now we can smoke fruity vapes, we don't have to get any stupid shots. And our new gym teacher lets us work out in the sauna with Kid Rock. We got a great show for you tonight. My guest is David Letterman.
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Stephen Colbert
Hey, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, folks, my guest created the Late show, and it gives me great pleasure to say, please join me in welcoming back David Letterman. There you go.
David Letterman
Oh, gosh. What?
Stephen Colbert
Wow.
David Letterman
What did they. Did they. Did they legalized crack? Is that what happened here?
Stephen Colbert
I think so. Dave, it's great to see you.
David Letterman
How about calling the band ladies?
Stephen Colbert
Unbelievable. They've come a long way.
David Letterman
Why is it so cold in here? Why do you keep this theater so cold?
Stephen Colbert
So your beard won't make you sweat, Dave.
David Letterman
Thank you very much. I don't know. I came very close to being teary about that. So thank you, everybody. Oh, thank you. Boy, you know what happened backstage? I'm standing backstage, a guy comes over and he says he's from cbs, and then he fired me.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, I'm sorry. He caught a stray.
David Letterman
What is going on over there? I will say, and I have every right to be pissed off, so I'll just. I'll be pissed off here a little bit because this theater, you folks wouldn't be in this theater if it weren't for me, and Stephen wouldn't be here if it weren't for me. And we rebuilt this theater. And then Stephen came in and look at this. It's like the Bellagio. But listen, as we, as we all. What is wrong here?
Stephen Colbert
Nothing.
David Letterman
Nothing's wrong, Dave, as we, as we all understand, you can take a man's show, you can't take a man's voice. So that's the good news of me.
Stephen Colbert
Thank you. Cheers. Cheers. There you go. Well, that's very kind of you, Dave.
David Letterman
You know what I'm really worried about?
Stephen Colbert
What?
David Letterman
What I'm really worried about is what will become of the Jimmies.
Stephen Colbert
I don't know.
David Letterman
Are they going to be all right?
Stephen Colbert
We're. We've got a plan to put them in a captive breeding program.
David Letterman
Wow. I don't think I've ever heard that phrase. Captive breeding. I like that pretty good. Yes, sir.
Stephen Colbert
Well, listen, I'd love to hear about you. How have things been? I understand you've got a new addition to the fam.
David Letterman
Well, he's talking about a dog. I hope you know what I'm saying.
Stephen Colbert
I got a couple of things.
David Letterman
Yeah, you got to be careful because we have a child who's graduating from college, so he's a full grown child.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah.
David Letterman
And what, he doesn't get a standing ovation? Come on. You have to be careful because I don't know about you, but being a. We have the one child and we spoiled the kid. I can remember when he was six years old, one Christmas, we got him a German shepherd and things. Don't take anything for granted. Turned out it was not a dog. It was just an old German guy who was a shepherd. By God, that's a true story as well.
Stephen Colbert
Tell me about this fellow right here.
David Letterman
Oh, this is a handsome gentleman.
Stephen Colbert
Look at that. That's a lot of attitude from a puppy.
David Letterman
This was his first Uber ride, and he wanted the far corner on the right hand side. The thing that I love about this. I took this picture over my shoulder. I just never saw a dog use an elbow quite like that.
Stephen Colbert
It was like. Yeah, it's very advanced.
David Letterman
More over here. Yeah. When you. No drinks right over here. Yeah, that was the. Now, this was a little older. Okay. Yeah. This is killer. This was day one at the house, and there's nothing goofy about this picture other than it happened. He crawled up my right arm and found himself right behind my head. And I'm watching Wheel of Fortune and I want to tell you, I don't know what they've done to Sajak, but he looks completely different now.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah.
David Letterman
Yeah. And we're trying to guess the puzzle. You know how you have to guess the word puzzle to Wheel of Fortune phrase? Yeah, yeah, But I remember it. It was. Who gives a.
Stephen Colbert
I like this one. I like this.
David Letterman
I made that up.
Stephen Colbert
I like this one a lot.
David Letterman
This is my absolute favorite. This is early on, and as you may remember, we had a bit of a brutal winter here. And this was taken by my colleague, Mary Barkley. I had no idea the photo was being taken. I found out later the dog knew all about it.
Stephen Colbert
I like the caption.
David Letterman
The caption is yes. And it couldn't be more True. Old man, new dog. And. Yeah. Yeah. And in the beginning, he's a bit of a runt. And. And so because he was runty and imperfect, I was withholding love.
Stephen Colbert
You got to. You got to make him earn it.
David Letterman
Exactly right. But then I got. I got over it. And his name is Doc, by the way, and we love him dearly. So he's been a great addition. Thank you for giving him a little time.
Stephen Colbert
It's wonderful.
David Letterman
It was wonderful.
Stephen Colbert
Well, now that you're. And I feel like I've lost your attention a little bit, Dave, I feel like you take your time. You're looking to buy a new Buick? What are you.
David Letterman
That's right. I'm always in the market for a new Buick.
Stephen Colbert
Did you see something over there? Interest you over there?
David Letterman
Is this the last show, by the way? I was told it was the last show.
Stephen Colbert
It is the last show of this week. Next week is the last show.
David Letterman
Oh. So come back.
Stephen Colbert
Of course. You're welcome. You're welcome anytime. Why don't you stop by Friday?
David Letterman
That's mean.
Stephen Colbert
What?
David Letterman
You're so mean.
Stephen Colbert
Oh,
David Letterman
but now is. Is the. Will the Pope be here?
Stephen Colbert
The Pope? I'm still angling for the Pope. I still. I listen. I'm a devout Catholic. I've talked about it on tv. I think that's got to earn me some points, right?
David Letterman
Absolutely.
Stephen Colbert
The Vatican works on a point system.
David Letterman
Anytime you talk about something on tv, you ought to be right in there, buddy. You ought. You ought to have your own office in Vatican City. You're talking about it on TV.
Stephen Colbert
You never had the Pope, did you?
David Letterman
Six, seven times. Oh, wow.
Stephen Colbert
JP2.
David Letterman
We always. I get a kick out of bring in the big hat. No, but seriously. But all of this is fantastic. This is not hotel stuff. This is beautiful.
Stephen Colbert
All custom made. All custom made, Dave. Really expensive, it looks like from.
David Letterman
Is this from Wayne and Schuster? Is that where this comes from?
Stephen Colbert
Yes, it's from Sacco and Vanzetti's. It fell off a van.
David Letterman
Who owns this stuff? And what do you have?
Stephen Colbert
It's all. This is an Eames. Like a very expensive. Probably 1500.
David Letterman
Yes. I always thought it was pronounced Ames.
Stephen Colbert
I don't know, man.
David Letterman
E, A M, E S. I don't know.
Stephen Colbert
You're fancier than I am.
David Letterman
But that's certainly not true.
Stephen Colbert
Okay, no, but all this was custom made by. When we. When we renovated the.
David Letterman
Who owns it? Is what I'm.
Stephen Colbert
CBS owns everything else.
David Letterman
Oh. This is CBS property.
Stephen Colbert
All belongs to the Paramount CBS Corporation.
David Letterman
Now, wait a minute. Are they affiliated with Sky Dance.
Stephen Colbert
Yes, I believe we are all Sky Dancers now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
David Letterman
This is nice. It'd be ashamed if something happened to this.
Stephen Colbert
It would be. It would be a shame, Dave. It would be
David Letterman
Gene. Where am I talking about? Gene?
Stephen Colbert
Is he the Gene and Chris the. Yeah, yeah.
David Letterman
They're here.
Stephen Colbert
They're here.
David Letterman
Hi, guys. Come on in.
Stephen Colbert
All right.
David Letterman
Hey, welcome back. I'm sorry.
Stephen Colbert
What is. What's happening here?
David Letterman
Dave, you know, we know what to do. You know what? Hi.
Stephen Colbert
Thank you very much.
David Letterman
Let me. Let me know. Let me know when you're all set. That's good.
Stephen Colbert
Dave. You. You have. I. I've started a cult. I couldn't be happier. That's a bit of a challenge.
David Letterman
Where would we.
Stephen Colbert
Where would you like to sit now, Dave?
David Letterman
Yep. Can we go down here? Have you ever been down?
Stephen Colbert
No, Go ahead. Go right ahead. Yeah, There.
David Letterman
Like a hot dog. Thank you. Nice to see you.
Stephen Colbert
Thank you.
David Letterman
Hi. How are you? What's your name? Nevada. I'm sorry? Nevada. Nevada. Nevada. That's unusual. You know there's a state named Nevada. And how do you come by that name?
Stephen Colbert
My uncle was a gambling addict. Well. Well, I think that might be a good time to go to commercial, Dave.
David Letterman
I knew there'd be a cute story.
Stephen Colbert
We'll be right back with more David Letterman.
David Letterman
Everybody.
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Stephen Colbert
Hey, everybody, we're back. We're Dave Aladdin. Please have a seat, everybody.
David Letterman
Thank you. Hi.
Stephen Colbert
How's it going? This is nice. You know, this is a. I'll just
David Letterman
say it right now. The last thing we would want to do is be out here with Real people. These are all actors?
Stephen Colbert
Yes. I'll tell you a true story. When we took over for the theater, these seats have kind of all busted out. They hadn't been replaced in a long time. We replaced all of the seats. They had been 19 inches wide. But we no longer felt that fit the American ass. We went to 24 inches wide. We called them the high fructose seats. I see.
David Letterman
So what you're saying is everyone here tonight has had their ass measured.
Stephen Colbert
Yes. And wanded. And wanded. Well, I'm not used to sitting out here in the audience. It's very comfy.
David Letterman
Loving every minute of it.
Stephen Colbert
I'm so glad. Well, we're loving having you, Dave.
David Letterman
I'm just curious.
Stephen Colbert
I'm curious. Maybe, maybe, maybe someday in the future I'll come back to this theater. Now that you've returned to it, any memories coming back to you?
David Letterman
Well, the memories are infinite coming back here. More so this time than I was on. You were nice enough to invite me on a couple of years ago. That was a big emotion packed moment as well. The memories now because this thing has come to a screeching halt by other hands. And I guess the connection to my mother through the late show, she and I had a. Well, you know what mothers are like, right? And I think my mother and I only really finally became close when she was part of the late show production and we sent her to Norway. That's right. And people to this day, like that fellow, that misguided man back there, always tell me they loved my mother more than they did me on the show. And that still pisses me off. And I think the reason we were not so close earlier in our lives is because she was named American miss American taciturn 90 years in a row. Here's a conversation that I used to have with my mother. David, that's not funny. We sent her to Norway and when she got back I said, mom, did you see any of the fjords? Yes, they were beautiful. Yes. And then I said, well, what about Chevy's? Did you see any Chevys? Now here's a memorable all telling conversation. And I don't want you to read into this all negativity because I'm sure it was good fun. I, I get a call at the house. My wife and I are. It's a Saturday and we're making Saturday evening dinner. The phone rings, says, hello, David, it's mom. Oh, hi Mom. What can I do for you? Well, we finished our estate planning and you're not in the will,
Stephen Colbert
So it's
David Letterman
like that a little bit, but I'm fine now.
Stephen Colbert
Fine. You know, I really loved when your mom was on the show. I loved the reveal of the pies for Thanksgiving.
David Letterman
Right?
Stephen Colbert
Everything's wonderful. So much so I actually have a copy of your mom's cookbook right here. Could we. Sarah Vkomersen, she's the producer. I think you've met her.
David Letterman
Yes, I believe we have.
Stephen Colbert
Sarah Vkomersen. Wonderful. Sarah Vkomersen. Everybody. Pass that down. Thank you very much. I want to show the people the. You want to show the people at home the cookbook. That's Dave's mom's. Can we get a shot of that, please, Yvonne? There you go. Dave's mom's cookbook. I was wondering whether you'd be willing to. Would you be willing to sign on
David Letterman
behalf of your mother to you or to Sara?
Stephen Colbert
How about Sara?
David Letterman
How do you spell that?
Stephen Colbert
S A, R, A. Ok.
David Letterman
S A,
Stephen Colbert
R, A, R. Okay, now that's Sara. Sara. Not Sarah. It's Sarah.
David Letterman
Okay.
Stephen Colbert
It's a problem for all of us. What?
David Letterman
It's a problem for all of us. Is that what you said?
Stephen Colbert
That sounds good. Dave, I'm sorry. There's a young man who wants your attention. We're all set for you. Let's go.
David Letterman
Oh, we have to.
Stephen Colbert
Okay. Let's go. All right. Excuse me. What's happening? Dave, Follow Dave.
David Letterman
Hey, Dave, follow me. Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
If we're gonna go out, would you. Before we go, would you mind throw into commercial?
David Letterman
Okay. The Late show with Stephen Colbert will continue with Dave Letterman right after this.
Stephen Colbert
Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.
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Stephen Colbert
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Episode: David Letterman | Xi Loves Me
Date: May 15, 2026
Host: Stephen Colbert
Guest: David Letterman
This episode blends Stephen Colbert’s signature satirical take on current affairs—with a heavy emphasis on Donald Trump’s trip to China—with a warm, nostalgic, and playfully chaotic reunion with David Letterman, the legendary previous host of the Late Show. The conversation jumps from sharp political humor and media critiques to personal stories about Letterman’s life post-retirement, including tales of his new dog and family. The tone is clever, irreverent, and sometimes self-deprecating, infused with camaraderie and meta-commentary on late-night television itself.
(01:40 - 13:12)
(15:11 - 25:04)
(26:15 - 30:43)
On Trump’s diplomacy:
On News Coverage & Robotics:
On Studio Legacy and Furniture:
On Being Ousted:
On Parental Relationships:
On the Studio Audience:
Summary for New Listeners:
If you missed this episode, you’ll get a deep dose of Colbert’s irreverent satire of the Trump-Xi summit, plus a rare, jovial conversation with David Letterman that’s packed with inside Late Show references, stories of family and dogs, jabs at corporate culture, and self-deprecating banter about the business and quirks of late night television.