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Capella University
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Audience Member
Okay, stop.
Stephen Colbert
I'm in.
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Stephen Colbert
Welcome to the Late Show. I'm your host Stephen Colbert. I want to welcome everybody here out there watching and any recently fired federal employees who are looking to travel for a hey, remember, hey, remember when Donald Trump said he was going to be a dictator only on day one? Well, evidently his first act as dictator was declaring that day one never ends. Now, I don't want to cause panic. Frankly, I don't have the energy. But I will say that it's not the greatest news that the Trump Justice Department has fired the officials who investigated Trump. Keep in mind, keep in mind, the January 6th investigation was the largest single investigation in the history of the federal government. And if you fire all those people, there's going to be nobody left. They'll have to change the name to the department of just this guy.
Drew Barrymore
Wow.
Stephen Colbert
Yes, Justin. Justin, this firing is probably, and I hope you're sitting down, illegal because it violates civil service protections and it's clearly retribution. Unless you ask some Republicans like Congressman Dan Crenshaw, do you believe that the.
Drew Barrymore
American people elected Trump to get revenge on federal prosecutors?
Stephen Colbert
Whether this is considered revenge or not, I think is open to interpretation. Sure. Who knows if it's revenge? It's just like that movie V for vambiguous. Trump's DOJ isn't just firing lawyers who worked on the January 6th cases. They're also launching investigations into specific prosecutors, which they're calling a special project. Going after honest civil servants just doing their job is not a special project. It is a disgrace. A special project is when to protect you from the bullies on the playground instead of going to recess, you get to help Ms. Brogdon clean the erasers. That is a very special project for a very special boy who is over it. No surprise many DOJ employees are freaking out. In fact, Biden era prosecutors are starting to hire their own lawyers for their defense. So now the lawyers are lowering up, and soon those lawyers will need their own lawyers. And so on and so on. You can see it all in the new Dick Wolf show. Law and law and law and law and law and law and law and order. Just kidding. More law.
Audience Member
Law, Law.
Stephen Colbert
Law, Law. Law. In another autocratic move, the White House paused all federal grants in what is being described as a potential 5 alarm fire for nonprofit organizations. Oh, they're all going to be fine, folks. Don't you worry about it. I have a lot of experience in nonprofits. In fact, all my casinos did non make a profit. All right. No snake eyes. Experts warned that these grants could cover everything from homeless shelters to financial aid for college students to state aid for disaster reconstruction. So it's pretty darn horrible. But it's also. And sit back down. The Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, explained, Congress approved these investments and they are not optional. They are the law. The law. Sorry. Just even saying the word law makes me giggle. The law. Sorry, Chuck. But I fought the law. And the me one. I ate the beef on a big bun. Sorry. I got a little. I got hungry halfway through that verse and I went to burger town there. I just. It's like when you're driving down the highway and you see the golden arches, you cannot deny the siren call. You gotta pull in. But wait, there's worse. Yesterday, Trump also ordered the CDC to stop working with the World Health Organization immediately. Wait, wait, wait, wait. We're out of who. This is going to decimate our beloved comedy routines. Who's on first? You have dengue fever. That, of course, a classic bit of comedy from Abbott and Rubella. This move, Big Rubella fans out there. This move has everybody blindsided. According to one expert who collaborates with WHO on work against sexually transmitted infections quote. This has really caught everyone with their pants down. Okay, well, the actual quote, it's a real quot. I mean. Okay, well, he studies STDs. I'm guessing that's what all of his metaphors are like. Ugh. Marge, that was pants down. The best dinner I've ever had. I'm talking nuts to butts. Bon appetaint. The gag order. The gag order is going to hurt us in the long run because it's happening right as CDC officials were scheduled to help the WHO pick out strains for next year's winter flu vaccine. Oh, no. Now we're not going to know about all the hottest flu trends. The rest of the world is going to be wearing low cut vaccines. And we're all going to be in the hospital. America is also awash in H5N1 bird flu, which has infected or killed 136 million birds thus far. Epidemiologists have released this footage of the moment the outbreak started.
Audience Member
I'll say, I say, I say I'm dying, boy.
Stephen Colbert
Now the birds. I'll say song. I'll say, I see, I see. What it doing? Doing that? Is that working? That working? Now the birds are getting even fluier because yesterday, a California farm discovered a totally different strain. The very first outbreak of the highly pathogenic H5N9 bird flu. It was pretty scary. But on the bright side, H5N9 bird flu is just one special character away from being a pretty strong password. They were always looking for one. The first strain of the bird flu hit chickens and turkeys. But this new one was found in ducks. Well, that takes out the whole turducken. How are we ever going to find three new delicious animals of increasing size to stuff inside each other? The pig, ham, pork, the hippo, sheepadoodle. With bird flu running rampant, experts say Americans should expect to face record high egg prices for most of the year. As a result, some supermarkets are limiting customers purchases, putting up signs that read, we are currently experiencing an egg shortage. Please consider limiting your purchase to two cartons. But if Americans don't eat more than two dozen eggs a day, how are we going to die of congestive heart failure? Even worse, while Americans are facing heartless egg limits, the Canadians are yoking it up, posting pictures of their dramatically cheaper egg prices. Yeah, saying price of eggs in Canada a high it. I'm with Trump. Let's bomb Saskatchewan. Speaking of humpst, Trump's whole campaign was about lowering the price of eggs. So how are they spinning the shortage?
Drew Barrymore
As far as the egg shortage, what's also contributing to that is that the Biden administration and the Department of Agriculture directed the mass killing of more than 100 million chickens.
Stephen Colbert
First of all, all those chickens had bird flu. They were culled to prevent the spread of the disease. And second, if you are upset about chicken murder, keep in mind your boss is wanted by Interpol for nugicide. Now, what's the date? What is this? 28th. That makes it so. Groundhog Day is less than a week away now. Less than a week away. But if PETA has their way, Punxsutawney Phil's gonna be out of a job because PETA wants to replace him with a weather reveal cake that is cr. Crazy. That's insane. Who would believe that a cake could predict the weather? Cake is good for only two being delicious and granting wishes on your birthday. I'm still waiting on that pony, you lying piece of sheet cake. PETA says cake would mimic that of a sex reveal for a baby, with blue meaning six more weeks of winter and pink indicating an early spring. Okay, I guess that would work. Personally, I did all my gender reveals using a groundhog, but it gets worse. Tough to push. It's a tough push. It gets worse because Peter wants the weather predicting cake to be vegan. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm getting something. A message from the beyond. Hold on. There will be leftovers. How long was I out? How long? Oh. And I'm being told. Is this true? I'm being told. We have breaking news about the 43 escaped lab monkeys in my home state of South Carolina. It's time for our final update. Welcome. We have been giving you full team coverage of these escaparesis macaques since before Thanksgiving. So it's bittersweet to tell you that the last four escaped monkeys were recaptured. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because macaque is a funny word. South Carolina authorities are trying to get their hands on macaque. The final four monkeys are all female and they're very clever. They resisted being tempted back into captivity by peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It did not work because they used natural peanut butter. Let's remember their failed flight for freedom by now. Lowering our bananas to half peel half. Goodbye, sweet lab monkeys. May flights of angels sing you back to your lab cages where they're gonna see if they can get you to lay eggs. Cause we're getting desperate. We got a great show for you tonight.
Capella University
Coming up.
Stephen Colbert
Drew Barrymore.
Drew Barrymore
What do you know about the lioness program?
Stephen Colbert
Are you a lioness?
Drew Barrymore
I run it.
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Stephen Colbert
Me.
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Drew Barrymore
Everyone's watching on this one. And I do mean everyone.
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Stephen Colbert
Magnificent.
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Stephen Colbert
That was special.
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Stephen Colbert
What's Your job?
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Stephen Colbert
To help find them.
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Drew Barrymore
I will drink to that.
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Stephen Colbert
Hold on.
Drew Barrymore
Did you say Arrow Run?
Stephen Colbert
That's a new one.
Justin Hartley
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Stephen Colbert
Ladies and gentlemen, my friends. You know my first guest as the charming and energetic host of the Drew Barrymore show on CBS. You can now see here on CBS's reboot of the iconic game show Hollywood Squares. Please welcome back to the late show, Drew Barrymore.
Capella University
Fantastic.
Stephen Colbert
Good to see ya.
Drew Barrymore
I'm so happy to be here. I have been so looking forward to this. And I'm with Evie's husband.
Stephen Colbert
I know. I know.
Drew Barrymore
So excited.
Stephen Colbert
I know. I'm excited to be her husband, too. We people that may not know, but we had such a good time when we came on. I think you were the first stop for our cookbook. We came on.
Drew Barrymore
Does this taste funny?
Stephen Colbert
Yeah. Did you. There we go. There we are.
Drew Barrymore
On your show. There we are.
Stephen Colbert
Having a really good time. Okay. I interview a lot of guests. You interview a lot of guests. I feel like I know how to do this job. How are we as guests on your show?
Drew Barrymore
I was just so excited. I never missed an episode of the Colbert Report.
Stephen Colbert
Wow.
Drew Barrymore
I never.
Stephen Colbert
I think I missed a couple.
Drew Barrymore
And then when you came to do this show, I've just. I've loved you. And then it turns out your other half is as incredible as it gets. And I. She's lovelier than I. I'm like, oh, wow. Now I love both of them.
Stephen Colbert
You've got good taste. She's the best. Matter of fact, she's a fan of yours. She's a fan of yours.
Drew Barrymore
Our relationship is just. It's such a wonderful thing.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, we're very lucky to be together. I'm lucky. And she puts up with me. She big fan of yours. As she said when she was over there, she loved the Instagram post she put about being a mother, and she thinks you're a wonderful mother to you two girls.
Drew Barrymore
That means so much.
Stephen Colbert
And I'm just curious, how is that going? Are you still a wonderful mother?
Drew Barrymore
I hope so. I'm trying to.
Stephen Colbert
You haven't fallen off in the last few months?
Drew Barrymore
No.
Stephen Colbert
How's it going? What's going on with the girls?
Drew Barrymore
You know, and they're really, really good. And, you know, every day is different. Every hour is different, and they're my North Star, my compass. I love that in a life that I got to live before I knew them, my priorities were different. And ever since they came into the world, I understand what the purpose of my life is. And it's wild.
Stephen Colbert
My first reaction, I'm just curious about this. My first reaction when I held my daughter for the first time was, oh, I've been dumb. You know what I mean? Like, I thought I had let me put her down right over here. I thought that my priorities had been wrong.
Drew Barrymore
I found out I had. I found out I was having a daughter with Olive, and I thought, oh, right, okay. Karmically, that makes sense. There's a lot of, you know, okay, okay, I'm having a girl. When I found out I was having Frankie, my second daughter, it humbled me in a way that I've never known. I'll never forget the moment because I realized I was put on this planet to raise girls and that everything in my life was captured in a butterfly net to try and get this right. And if you don't grow up in a perfect way with a perfect family, you fear the blueprint and you go, I want to do things differently. Or I don't. You know, I felt unconfident, like this was the stakes of my life. And it took a few years, honestly, to. To have that confidence. People say, oh, you know, you do this and you do that. And I was like, uh huh, uh huh. I don't know. And getting a grasp on it was the most exciting thing in the world. And I just know that I'm all in and I care so much, and I am imperfect, but I'm gonna do everything I can to do this to the best of my ability. And it's fun, it's humorous, and it's delicious, and it's great, and they're my everything.
Stephen Colbert
Well, you inspired. Not only are you a good mother, you inspired someone else to be a parent. Who you know about this. Is that on set this past Saturday night, you did an event here in New York with Steven Spielberg. It was 30th. 40th. Is it? 40th anniversary.
Drew Barrymore
So we're going to have the 50th.
Stephen Colbert
Next 50th of ET and he said that looking after the young cast, especially Drew, he says, who was six years old at the time, was the first time that it occurred to him that maybe he could be a dad. How does that. You inspired Steven Spielberg to be a father. How do you feel about that? And be careful where you point this.
Drew Barrymore
The only thing I remember of his. My whole life with him because he has been sort of a big father figure for me is he always called me his training wheels for parenthood.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, I see.
Drew Barrymore
And I really did. I spent so much time with him and he really took me under his wing. And funny enough, like, you know, he was a blueprint for something. He said when I was six, I wanted to get my ears pierced. And he said, I'll get your ears pierced for you, but you have to wait until you're 10. And when you're 6, that feels like a universe away.
Stephen Colbert
Sure.
Drew Barrymore
And so I waited and did you realize. And yeah, on my 10th birthday, I got my ears. He followed through and he was just. He was someone who was there and who I believed in. And I could call and I would spend weekends at his house and he was always showing me movies. He was such a good father figure. I knew he was gonna make the best father. And he has seven kids. He is a family man. And I'm so relieved. I was his training wheels. I'm so relieved I didn't turn him off of parenthood. You know, I'm. It's great.
Stephen Colbert
We have to take a quick break. We'll be right back with more Drew Barrymore. Hey, everybody. We're back with Drew Barrymore. That six year old we met as Gertie in E.T. yeah. Now hits the big five. Zero.
Drew Barrymore
Oh, my God. I know.
Stephen Colbert
He's turning 50 on February 22nd. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. You wear it well.
Drew Barrymore
Thank you.
Stephen Colbert
How do you feel about becoming a quintagenarian?
Drew Barrymore
I think the exciting thing is life just gets better and more exciting, but some peace may come into it. And I am a person who hasn't totally known peace in my life because I didn't know that was even a priority of mine. Like, my peace was like, yay, peace. And now I'm like, peace. They're very different.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah, they are.
Drew Barrymore
One's like boho aspiration and the other's like, I would like to feel good inside. Could I be my own safe space?
Stephen Colbert
Well, the 40s went very well for you, so the 50s are gonna be great. You're love it.
Drew Barrymore
You think the 40s might be Mr.
Stephen Colbert
Mary's advice before I turn 50, she goes, are you gonna love 50? She goes, I turned 50 and suddenly I did not give a damn what anyone thought of.
Drew Barrymore
They call it the 50 really being on the show. And I wonder if this happens for you, that people will come and drop these wisdoms or sentences or things that kind of stay with you. And it was like none other than Ellen Pompeo came on the show and she said, yeah, you get the 50 effets. And I didn't know what that meant. And now I'm tasting it. Tastes good. I like it a lot.
Stephen Colbert
Well, as part of it, and this is pretty exciting, you are now the COVID girl for AARV magazine.
Capella University
I sure am.
Stephen Colbert
The latest in the series. What are you doing to celebrate?
Drew Barrymore
You doing anything to celebrate a couple of PJ parties? I'm a big sleepover girl. I love sleepovers. Why do sleepovers have to end?
Stephen Colbert
Right?
Drew Barrymore
That is such bs.
Stephen Colbert
Each other's nails and stuff like that. And talk about boys. What do you do at your sleepovers?
Drew Barrymore
Yeah, that happened.
Stephen Colbert
Pillow fights?
Drew Barrymore
No pillow fights. But I mean, who knows? But no, I just. My birthday is an excuse to say, oh, well, we've got to be together. I don't care what happens in any celebration with my birthday. I just want to be with my friends. And I have a tradition that my girls and I have a sleepover too. On my birthday. We're the three sardines and we get in our can and we roll up the tin and we. We have a sleepover. So I'll have sleepovers with my friends and then on the night of my 50th birthday, I will be in a bed with my two daughters, which I think might be the happiest place I've ever known in my life. Sleeping with your kids is magical.
Stephen Colbert
That's lovely.
Drew Barrymore
It really is. Ok, maybe some dance parties. We'll all cook. And a lot of my friends and I have been friends for 30 and 40 years now. So it's like old home week. It's like a bunch of old hens again. Disease free. Sure, sure. And you know, I think something really mellow. It won't be exciting. A lot of people said you should have a party, right?
Stephen Colbert
You should have a party.
Drew Barrymore
I don't want one. I don't want to have a party.
Stephen Colbert
You like surprise parties?
Drew Barrymore
I don't hate them. Because you know why now I have.
Stephen Colbert
To plan you a surprise party?
Drew Barrymore
Because I overthink a lot of things. So I've already overthought the birthday party out of existence.
Stephen Colbert
Okay.
Drew Barrymore
I really am an overthinker. I'm working on that, though.
Stephen Colbert
Okay, well, one of the things I'm excited about because, you know, I'm a fan of yours and I'm also a fan of this, is that you are now in the iconic game show Hollywood Squares here on cbs.
Drew Barrymore
Did you watch Hollywood Squares?
Audience Member
Oh, of Course.
Stephen Colbert
Paul Lynn, Hollywood Squares.
Drew Barrymore
Paul Lynn.
Stephen Colbert
Okay. You're the center square.
Drew Barrymore
I am.
Stephen Colbert
Here you are. You're the center square. Right there. There you are. The place of honor right there. You like it? You have fun.
Drew Barrymore
So the president of cbs, George Cheeks. It was someone I spoke to about my passion for this show years ago. I'm obsessed with it. I watched it growing up because I love games. Who doesn't? But to me, it was like a comedy show with a game element. And I love comedy. Comedy is my medicine. My mom worked at the Comedy Store when I was a baby. Pauly Shore babysat me. Cause Mitzi Shore, his mother, is the grandam of the Comedy Store. And I just. I got the memo. Comedians are where it's at. They're healers. I love them, and I like to laugh. So I was obsessed with squares when I was a kid. And I just did the hip kids call it.
Stephen Colbert
They call it squares.
Drew Barrymore
Yeah, I just did that, didn't I?
Stephen Colbert
You did H. Wood squares.
Drew Barrymore
Yeah. Hi, Q. Whatever. And so I just. I was saying to George, I was like, you know, this show is just so good because it's funny and it's comedy, and who doesn't like games? And. Should we bring it back? Could we ever bring it back?
Stephen Colbert
We have a clip here. What do we need to know? Anything we need to know about this?
Drew Barrymore
No.
Stephen Colbert
You heard the woman, Jim.
Audience Member
All right, Drew. There's a lot riding on this.
Drew Barrymore
I know.
Audience Member
Come on, girlfriend. Get the square, but also the round and the thousand dollars. All right, here we go. On average, how many eggs does a chicken lay each day? 1, 3, or 5?
Drew Barrymore
You know this true. I mean, does it not vary? Is it like a perfect precision every single time? And does it matter how many times they get laid or that they lay? I'm gonna go in the pretty little.
Audience Member
Middle and say three to win the round. Do you agree or disagree?
Stephen Colbert
I'm gonna disagree. I think it's only one.
Drew Barrymore
Okay. I hope you're right.
Stephen Colbert
I hope I'm right, too.
Drew Barrymore
And it's a cliffhanger you have to watch.
Stephen Colbert
That's how you do show business right there. Lovely to see you.
Drew Barrymore
These shows have taught me a cliffhanger.
Stephen Colbert
Hollywood Squares airs Wednesdays at 8pm on CBS. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.
Audience Member
Welcome to the oil business.
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Drew Barrymore
You're all right.
Stephen Colbert
Here we go.
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Audience Member
Get everybody back.
Stephen Colbert
Go. Go.
Audience Member
You just put a giant bullseye on this place.
Drew Barrymore
We rolled the dice one last time.
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Stephen Colbert
Plus, I don't want to get promoted. I want to stay charmingly unsubordinate. I'm okay.
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Stephen Colbert
Let's do this. Am I catching it?
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Now prepare for an adventure.
Drew Barrymore
I know these guys.
Stephen Colbert
They're super nice.
Capella University
Hey, what's up, my man?
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Stephen Colbert
Dammit, this is terrible. This keeps getting cooler by the second.
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Podcast Summary: The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert – Episode Featuring Drew Barrymore
Podcast Information:
[00:49 – 07:00]
Stephen Colbert opens the episode with his signature blend of humor and sharp political commentary. He delves into recent controversial actions by the Trump administration, particularly focusing on the Department of Justice (DOJ) firings. Colbert criticizes the unprecedented dismissal of officials who were integral to the January 6th investigation, labeling it as an act of retribution.
Notable Quote:
"Trump's DOJ isn't just firing lawyers who worked on the January 6th cases. They're also launching investigations into specific prosecutors, which they're calling a special project. Going after honest civil servants just doing their job is not a special project. It is a disgrace." – Stephen Colbert [02:12]
He further satirizes the halt of federal grants affecting nonprofit organizations, highlighting the potential widespread impact on services like homeless shelters and disaster reconstruction. Colbert humorously laments the ensuing egg shortages caused by the H5N1 bird flu outbreak, intertwining jokes about egg prices and Canadian markets.
Notable Quote:
"On average, how many eggs does a chicken lay each day? 1, 3, or 5?" – Audience Member [25:09]
"I'm gonna go in the pretty little middle and say three to win the round. Do you agree or disagree?" – Stephen Colbert [25:25]
[12:03 – 17:31]
Drew Barrymore joins Stephen Colbert, bringing warmth and charisma to the conversation. The discussion begins with Barrymore reflecting on her role as a mother and the profound impact her children have had on her life. She shares heartfelt insights about balancing motherhood with her career, emphasizing how her daughters serve as her guiding stars.
Notable Quote:
"Every day is different. Every hour is different, and they're my North Star, my compass. I love that in a life that I got to live before I knew them, my priorities were different." – Drew Barrymore [15:29]
Barrymore also opens up about her relationship with Steven Spielberg, describing him as a significant father figure who inspired her own journey into parenthood. She recounts personal anecdotes, such as Spielberg's commitment to helping her with her children's milestones, reinforcing the influence he had on her life.
Notable Quote:
"He always called me his training wheels for parenthood. He was someone who was there and who I believed in." – Drew Barrymore [18:09]
[23:11 – 26:57]
The conversation shifts to Barrymore's professional endeavors, particularly her involvement in the revival of the iconic game show Hollywood Squares on CBS. She expresses her long-time admiration for the show, highlighting her passion for games and comedy, which seamlessly blend in Hollywood Squares.
Notable Quote:
"To me, it was like a comedy show with a game element. And I love comedy. Comedy is my medicine." – Drew Barrymore [23:37]
Barrymore discusses her enthusiasm for the show's format and her personal connection to comedy, tracing back to her upbringing with her mother's involvement in the Comedy Store. She shares her excitement about bringing her comedic sensibility to the game show, aiming to entertain both long-time fans and new audiences.
Notable Quote:
"Comedians are where it's at. They're healers. I love them, and I like to laugh." – Drew Barrymore [23:40]
[19:42 – 21:35]
A significant portion of the interview focuses on Barrymore celebrating her 50th birthday. She discusses the personal growth and evolving priorities that come with this milestone, contrasting her earlier bohemian aspirations with a newfound sense of inner peace and contentment.
Notable Quote:
"I think the exciting thing is life just gets better and more exciting, but some peace may come into it." – Drew Barrymore [19:54]
Colbert and Barrymore humorously explore societal perceptions of aging, with Barrymore embracing the changes and the wisdom that comes with turning 50. She shares her plans for intimate celebrations with friends and family, highlighting the importance of meaningful connections over extravagant parties.
Notable Quote:
"I just want to be with my friends. And I have a tradition that my girls and I have a sleepover too." – Drew Barrymore [21:19]
As the interview concludes, Colbert and Barrymore engage in light-hearted banter about the show's interactive elements, including a mock Hollywood Squares segment where Barrymore participates as a contestant. The episode wraps up with Colbert thanking Barrymore for her candid and engaging conversation, leaving listeners with a sense of warmth and anticipation for her upcoming ventures.
Notable Quote:
"That's how you do show business right there. Lovely to see you." – Stephen Colbert [25:36]
Conclusion:
In this episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert, listeners are treated to a blend of incisive political satire and a heartfelt, personal interview with Drew Barrymore. Colbert's monologue provides a humorous yet critical take on current political events, while Barrymore's appearance offers an intimate glimpse into her life as a mother, her professional projects, and her reflections on turning 50. The episode successfully balances humor with meaningful conversation, making it both entertaining and insightful for listeners.
Additional Highlights:
Listeners who missed the episode can expect a rich combination of humor, personal stories, and engaging dialogue that encapsulates the essence of both Stephen Colbert's and Drew Barrymore's public personas.