Drew Barrymore's Colbert Questionert | Fired Fest

Summary

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert: Drew Barrymore's Colbert Questionnaire | Fired Fest

Release Date: February 26, 2025

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Overview

In this engaging episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert, host Stephen Colbert blends sharp political satire with heartfelt conversation as he interviews beloved actress Drew Barrymore. The episode navigates through current political upheavals, international relations, and personal insights, all while maintaining Colbert's signature wit and humor. This detailed summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, notable quotes with timestamps, and the dynamic interplay between Colbert and Barrymore.

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1. Political Satire: Trump's Second Presidency and Elon Musk's Email Incident

The episode opens with Stephen Colbert delving into the tumultuous landscape of Donald Trump's second presidency. Highlighting the fifth week in office, Colbert asserts, "...it is clear that he is hell bent on dismantling our federal government and ending our 80 year long Western alliance" ([01:04]).

Elon Musk's Controversial Email A significant portion of the discussion centers around an email sent by Elon Musk, demanding federal employees disclose their weekly activities or face termination. Colbert humorously critiques the chaos ensuing from this directive:

"Employees were not thrilled, leading some to respond with very rude emails listing fake, vulgar accomplishments, even sending links to graphic images of sex and scatological content." ([00:08]).

Colbert further satirizes the confusion within federal agencies:

"At this point, zip is up. Zip zap, tooty boop. At this point, how is anybody supposed to know what to do with all this confusing information?" ([03:26]).

He mocks the varied responses from different agencies, emphasizing the lack of clear guidance and the ensuing disarray.

Notable Quote:

"Semi fired or you're fired, that's a boss anyone would want to work for." – Stephen Colbert ([03:15]).

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2. International Relations: Trump and Macron's Awkward Summit

Transitioning to international affairs, Colbert recounts Donald Trump's high-stakes meeting with French President Emmanuel Macron. He paints a humorous and exaggerated picture of the encounter:

"They had to clear the room when Trump established dominance by expressing his anal glands. It was a mess." ([06:43]).

Colbert critiques Trump's diplomatic missteps, particularly his misinformation regarding Europe's financial support to Ukraine:

"Loans guarantee grants, and we provided real money, to be clear." – Caroline Levitt ([08:25]).

The segment underscores the strained relations and the absurdity of the diplomatic exchanges, all delivered with Colbert's trademark humor.

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3. Satirical Commercials and Social Commentary

Interwoven with political satire, Colbert presents a series of fake advertisements that offer biting commentary on American institutions and consumerism.

A. The "Super Wrong Globe" Colbert introduces a mock product, a globe with distorted geography:

"a brand new product. Because a company is now offering a special globe that features labels for the USA, the Gulf of America, Mount McKinley and nothing else." ([08:25]).

He humorously critiques American-centric worldviews and the lack of geographical accuracy.

B. The Demise of Hooters and Joann Fabrics Highlighting the decline of once-iconic brands, Colbert announces:

"Hooters is preparing to file for bankruptcy... Joann Fabrics is officially closing all remaining US stores after 82 years." ([11:18]).

These segments serve as a satirical take on changing cultural landscapes and consumer habits.

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4. Interview Segment: Drew Barrymore's Colbert Questionnaire

The heart of the episode lies in the intimate and playful Colbert Questionnaire conducted with Drew Barrymore. This segment aims to peel back the layers of Barrymore's public persona to reveal personal anecdotes and preferences.

A. Icebreaker Questions

• Best Sandwich:

  • Colbert: "Drew, what is the best sandwich?"
  • Barrymore: "Tuna melt."

    "No. I hate an open faced sandwich. That's a sandwich. This is a what?" ([16:06]).

• First Concert:

  • Barrymore: Attended Prince's concert in the early '80s at the Forum in Los Angeles, alongside Elton John and Hart.

    "Those are my first three." ([16:25]).

B. Personal Reflections

• Scariest Animal:

  • Barrymore: Shares a chilling experience of encountering bats during a cave swim.

    "And that was. I don't need to do that again." ([17:02]).

• Earliest Memory:

  • Barrymore: Remembers a poignant moment on the set of "Altered State" with William Hurt, reflecting on her childhood absence of a father figure.

    "I thought, well, I'm gonna act like I know what it's like to have a dad. Heavy. Right downer." ([20:26]).

C. Fun and Lighthearted Questions

• Cats or Dogs:

  • Barrymore: Playfully admits to loving both but ultimately settles on dogs to spare feline feelings.

    "Dogs. God, I feel so bad. I love cats, too." ([21:10]).

• Favorite Song for Eternity:

  • Barrymore: Struggles to choose, humorously passing with a blend of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" and "War of the Worlds."

    "For all eternity, it's Girls Just Want to have Fun." ([22:48]).

D. Insightful Conclusion

• Describe Your Life in Five Words:
  • Barrymore:

    "Happy, calm, silly, affectionate. Not taking it too seriously." ([23:04]).

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5. Closing Remarks

Stephen Colbert wraps up the episode by promoting Drew Barrymore's endeavors and directing listeners to additional content on The Late Show's YouTube channel. The episode concludes with a humorous nod to an American Express promotion, seamlessly blending promotional content with comedic flair.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert masterfully intertwines sharp political commentary, satirical advertisements, and a heartfelt interview with Drew Barrymore. Through witty exchanges and insightful dialogue, Colbert offers listeners a captivating blend of humor and depth, staying true to the show's reputation as a leading voice in late-night entertainment.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• "Sell your car to Carvana and swap. Hassle for convenience. Pickup fees may apply." ([00:25]).

• "Semi fired or you're fired, that's a boss anyone would want to work for." ([03:15]).

• "We found the earrings you were missing in your nightstand." ([08:25]).

• "No, Canada doesn't exist, if that sounds expensive to you. It is. We looked it up on globestore.com, the number one globe store on dot com..." ([10:12]).

• "What was your first concert that you went to? Prince." ([16:25]).

• "I hope we just stop stressing and Let go." ([18:28]).

• "You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it?" ([21:42]).

• "Describe the rest of your life in five words." ([22:56]).

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This summary encapsulates the key moments and humor of the episode, providing a comprehensive overview for those who haven't had the chance to listen.

Transcript

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, sure thing.

[Drew Barrymore]

Hey, you sold that car yet?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, sold it to Carvana.

[Drew Barrymore]

Oh, I thought you were selling to that guy.

[Stephen Colbert]

The guy who wanted to pay me in foreign currency, no interest over 36 months. Yeah, no. Carvana gave me an offer in minutes, picked it up and paid me on the spot. It was so convenient. Just like that? Yeah. No hassle? None. That is super convenient.

[Drew Barrymore]

Sell your car to Carvana and swap.

[Capella University]

Hassle for convenience.

[Drew Barrymore]

Pickup fees may apply.

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[Stephen Colbert]

Welcome to the Late Show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, today marks the fifth week of Trump's second presidency. And it is clear, even at this point, even at this early stage, it is clear that he is hell bent on dismantling our federal government and ending our 80 year long Western alliance. But on the bright side, these people clearly don't have a clue what the they're doing now. Case in this recent Elon Musk email he sent out on Saturday demanding that federal employees tell him five things they did last week or they'd be fired. Employees were. That's what they said. Employees were not thrilled, leading some to respond with very rude emails listing fake, vulgar accomplishments, even sending links to graphic images of sex and scatological content. Now. Yes. Good for them. Now, if there's anyone out there who don't know what scat scatological means. Bidder de boop bop beep bop, shitter de beep bop. That's poop. Now this email. Yeah, you didn't know I could do that. This email created chaos throughout our government. Some agencies, like the FBI, told their employees just to ignore it. Others, like the va, demanded that employees respond. At hhs, employees were told they could respond if they wanted to, but but should assume that what they write will be read by malign foreign actors. What? Russell Brand's going to get these. Yesterday, with a midnight deadline approaching, the Office of Personnel Management told HR leaders that responding to Musk is voluntary. Okay, there's clear guidance. Federal workers don't have to respond except at the Same time Trump was saying.

[Elon Musk]

The last email that was sent where he wanted to know what you did this week. If you don't answer like you're sort of semi fired or you're fired.

[Stephen Colbert]

Semi fired or you're fired, that's a boss anyone would want to work for. Kristen, you're semi fired. Put half your stuff in a box and get out of here. Then come back after lunch because you're a semi valued part of this team. So if that's not semi confusing enough, Elon totally unclarified it. More tweeting about the employees subject to the discretion of the President. They will be given another chance. Failure to respond a second time will result in termination. Sounds like somebody wants to get a little more skiddle dee boppity bop poop porn. At this point, zip is up. Zip zap, tooty boop. At this point, how is anybody supposed to know what to do with all this confusing information? Forget running the government. These clowns couldn't get 10 bridesmaids to a patent sip. Who could possibly. Who. Who on earth could possibly spin this pile of steaming garbage into a pile of steaming gold? That plum assignment falls to White House press secretary Caroline Levitt, seen here telling you that you're not tri dealt material. Levitt, go hang out with the Kapp. Levitt released this statement to the press. Everyone is working together as one unified team. That is a unified team. Okay, boys, listen up. Come on, bring it in. Remember what we practice, okay? We drilled on this. Get out there and do literally the first insane thing that comes to your mind, okay? No bad ideas. Hank, you sit on the ball and try to hatch it like an egg. Timmy, you nip me a scarf out of your own hair. The rest of you, I don't know. I don't care. Maybe lay on the grass and act like you're swimming in it. All right, surprise me. Bring it in. Let's say the team prayer. We dedicate today's game to Lord Arioch, Duke of Chaos. May our victory be written in the blood of those he arbitrarily elects to slay. On three, Ben Zacking. Look, I don't care. Colbert, Nicole Bear. This afternoon, a reporter asked Trump to clarify, you know, once and for all, whether answering the email was voluntary or mandatory.

[Elon Musk]

It's somewhat voluntary, but it's also, if you don't answer, I guess you get fired.

[Stephen Colbert]

That answer, somewhat stupid. Trump went on about the reason for the email being sent. And you know what? He waxed philosophical.

[Elon Musk]

What it really is, what it is, is do people Exist?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes. What it really is, the real question is, do people exist? Because it seems clear to me I'm the only real person in the whole world. And when I close my eyes, all of you are gone forever. Just like. Just like that ball that rolled behind the couch. That ball. That ball won't respond to my emails either. Ball. You're semi fired. Now, on the other hand, I know that I exist because I'm hungry. You know, chicken nugget, ergo sum. That's Latin for I think, therefore I ham yesterday. Thank you, thank you, philosophy major. Yesterday, Donald Trump had an Oval Office meeting with French President Emmanuel Macron. It was a high stakes summit of these two historic allies who are now drifting dangerously apart thanks to Trump siding with Russia over Russia's invasion of Ukraine. So no surprise, the big headline coming out of it was, massive bruise spotted on Trump's right hand. Media do better. Try to focus on the global implications of black and sacre blue. It looks like he's stuffed with day old guacamole. Okay, that's enough about the bruise. Let's talk about the substance of the meeting. They also had a weird handshake. First, there was this crazy attempt at something. Then there was this thing where Trump keeps grabbing Macron's leg and Macron keeps trying to shove him off. Eventually they had to clear the room when Trump established dominance by expressing his anal glands. It was a mess. It was a mess. Everything there is Scotchgarded. Now, there was also. There was also a really big moment where Trump tried to lie about Europe loaning money to Ukraine rather than granting them the money. And Macron was not having it.

[Elon Musk]

Again, just so you understand, just so you understand, Europe is loaning the money to Ukraine. They get their money back.

[Caroline Levitt]

No, in fact, to be frank, we paid. We paid 60% of the total efforts and it was through like the US.

[Stephen Colbert]

Loans guarantee grants, and we provided real money, to be clear. Oh, that has. That has some real gently correcting grandma energy. No, mama. Remember, Nurse Maria helps you. We found the earrings you were missing in your nightstand. So. So let's take our hand off the fire alarm, okay? That meeting you saw there clearly shows how warped Trump's view of global affairs is. And now you can celebrate that view with a brand new product. Because a company is now offering a special globe that features labels for the USA, the Gulf of America, Mount McKinley and nothing else. Not only that, it comes with a bonus you won't find in your outdated, accurate globes, because this one has an extra Great Lake tucked it up There or there. At least that's what it looks like. It might be where they moved the old Gulf of Mexico. We're not sure at this point. If you're planning on buying one of these, keep in mind, currently they only ship within the United States. They would ship to other countries, but they have no way to know where they are. The company offers another product called the USA Patriotic globe, featuring a massive United States of America that takes up almost the entire hemisphere, which they boast is a conversation starter. That conversation. What a beautiful home. Hey, did you know that your globe is wrong? Oh, you did know that. Okay, honey, get the coats. We're going. Let's go. Let's go.

[Drew Barrymore]

Now.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is this the way? Is this the. At this point, I'm sure you're asking, Steve, how much money am I allowed to spend on a Super wrong globe? $100? $250? No. These globes could be yours for just $249.99, but in Canadian dollars, that's. Sorry, Canada doesn't exist, if that sounds expensive to you. It is. We looked it up on globestore.com, the number one globe store on dot com, and you can get one for $64.95. But those are cluttered up with the names of all those other countries. It's so confusing. What's a burundi again? So that's why, for only $300 tonight, I am proud to offer this beautiful blue dodgeball. This from the good people at voight. This blue dodgeball with America written on it in white Sharpie. No messy, confusing land masses here. Just us on ball. Plus anybody that says that looks stupid, you can throw it at their face. It seems. Oh, you're out. You're out. Oh, you counted. I'm out. These days, it seems like no American institution is safe. Because, ladies and gentlemen, this weekend we learned that Hooters is preparing to file for bankruptcy. I don't even recognize my country anymore. Hooters is an American tradition dating all the way back to 1983, when its founders set up the first ever location in Florida. Here they are, six brilliant visionaries seen here the first time any of them saw a breast. Their names Biff, Rick, other Rick, Mustache Jerry, Mustache Mike, and of course, Stan the stache. But now, thanks. Yes, thank you for your service, gentlemen. Thanks to inflation and declining sales, we might have to say farewell to Hooters and instead dine at the next best body part themed wing place, Buffalo wild butts. Put enough ranch dressing on there. Sure. That's not the only bedrock institution. We're losing, my friends because we also just learned that Joann Fabrics is officially closing all remaining US stores after 82 years. No, but I was just about to finish my blanket or V neck poncho or bandana. I won't know for sure till I hot glue the zippers on. This comes after a brief failed rebrand when the fabric store relaunched the chain as Joanne's Hooters. We got a great show for you tonight coming up.

[Indeed]

Drew Barrymore.

[Caroline Levitt]

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[Capella University]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Hey everybody, look at this. I'm here with your friend in mine, Drew Barrymore. Drew, thanks so much for being here. It's always fun to talk to you.

[Drew Barrymore]

I mean I would love to come all the time. Cole Barrymore Hello.

[Stephen Colbert]

Come on. There it is.

[Drew Barrymore]

We are. We are. We have a name.

[Stephen Colbert]

We gotta start a froyo company.

[Drew Barrymore]

Exactly.

[Stephen Colbert]

Here's the thing. Even though you've been on my show a couple times, I've been on your show along with my wife and had a lovely time. Even though we've been able to spend some nice time together, it's really hard to get to know someone in a Short period of time.

[Drew Barrymore]

There are certain questions that really give you an insight into people.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, you know, that's what we found out too, because we here at the show have designed something called the Colbert Questionnaire. And it's a series of questions that we use to ask some of our special guests to try to penetrate to the depths of their soul so they can be fully known by the world. Drew Barrymore, wide open. Are you ready to be known?

[Drew Barrymore]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right, Brave girl.

[Drew Barrymore]

And I don't know any of the questions, so I'm going fresh off the top.

[Stephen Colbert]

Here we go. All right, first question to Drew Barrymore. Nicole Bear questionnaire. Drew, what is the best sandwich?

[Drew Barrymore]

Tuna melt.

[Stephen Colbert]

Tuna melt. Open face. No open face. Whoa.

[Drew Barrymore]

No. I hate an open faced sandwich.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's wrong with an open faced sandwich?

[Drew Barrymore]

It's not a sandwich. That's a sandwich. This is a what?

[Stephen Colbert]

I admire your passion.

[Drew Barrymore]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

What was your first concert that you went to?

[Drew Barrymore]

Prince.

[Stephen Colbert]

What? What Year Girl, do you remember?

[Drew Barrymore]

Early 80s at the Forum in Los Angeles.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Drew Barrymore]

And Elton John and Hart all in the same time.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Drew Barrymore]

Those are my first three.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. And how old have you seen Prince?

[Drew Barrymore]

I was like seven.

[Stephen Colbert]

Did they have to give you a glossary to explain the lyrics? Because he was a little spicy back then.

[Drew Barrymore]

Oh, I got it.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right. Free range chicken. Okay. What is the scariest animal, Drew?

[Drew Barrymore]

I mean, bats are scary and I think they're probably cool and I should get to know them better, but I went to a swim in a cave and I looked up and this close to my face, I saw. And that was. I don't need to do that again.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right.

[Drew Barrymore]

And that's how Covid started in a Mexican cenote. I was like, ah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Apples or oranges?

[Drew Barrymore]

Oranges.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

[Drew Barrymore]

Um, Laurence Olivier.

[Stephen Colbert]

Larry.

[Drew Barrymore]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Where?

[Drew Barrymore]

At the Golden Globes in 1982.

[Stephen Colbert]

And did you get it?

[Drew Barrymore]

I did.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you still have it?

[Drew Barrymore]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh.

[Drew Barrymore]

But I think that was like the first and only time.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's pretty great.

[Drew Barrymore]

And I was excited because he was a big Hamlet and my grandfather was a big Hamlet, so he was a big figure to me as they were sort of like the Dueling Hamlets. So I was so excited to meet him. You know the Dueling Hamlets.

[Stephen Colbert]

The Dueling Hamlets.

[Drew Barrymore]

Every seven year old's dream.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly. That vaudeville show.

[Drew Barrymore]

And by the way, it was with Dudley Moore too.

[Stephen Colbert]

Dudley was there too? Yes.

[Drew Barrymore]

And I was the biggest Dudley Moore fan.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. What do you think happens when we die?

[Drew Barrymore]

I hope we just stop stressing and Let go.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. If we don't, you know, if that doesn't do it, you know, you've landed in the bad place.

[Drew Barrymore]

It didn't.

[Stephen Colbert]

It just.

[Drew Barrymore]

You're a lost cause.

[Stephen Colbert]

Favorite action movie?

[Drew Barrymore]

Oh, um. Hold on. Sorry.

[Stephen Colbert]

No time.

[Drew Barrymore]

I know. I'm sorry. No time limit. Action. Damn it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Stay hydrated. Action. You know, like, running, jumping, shooting, punching. Chasing cars, planes. Rocket ships. Skydiving.

[Drew Barrymore]

I know. I did think of Charlie's Angels, because that's ridiculous.

[Stephen Colbert]

It can be that.

[Drew Barrymore]

I mean, it's like I'm blank. I don't know.

[Stephen Colbert]

Would you like to say pass?

[Drew Barrymore]

Pass. Okay, I'll come up with it in a minute.

[Stephen Colbert]

We'll come back. Window or aisle?

[Drew Barrymore]

Window.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Passion.

[Drew Barrymore]

Really? Really? Like, if I give you my window seat? I love you. I love you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Did you just like the view or you don't want to be near the.

[Drew Barrymore]

Yeah, no, I like to look out the window and screw my retinas.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why does that screw your retinas?

[Drew Barrymore]

Well, when you look out the window, do you ever look back in the plane? You're like, I really did some damage there.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, it's not my quiz, though. Favorite smell?

[Drew Barrymore]

Patchouli.

[Stephen Colbert]

Really? A little boho?

[Drew Barrymore]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Drew Barrymore]

Still got it.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's your least favorite smell? Hey, it's a classic. It's a classic.

[Drew Barrymore]

Still not a fan?

[Stephen Colbert]

No. Earliest memory. Oh, this is gonna be good.

[Drew Barrymore]

This one just came to me. I know. It sounds so bougie. I was on a set of a film called Altered State, and I was running into William Hurt's arms. And I remember thinking, oh, this feels nice. This is nice. Because I didn't have a dad, and it was really trippy, and I thought, well, I'm gonna act like I know what it's like to have a dad. Heavy. Right downer.

[Stephen Colbert]

Beautiful.

[Drew Barrymore]

Okay, good.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was beautiful. Did you then go see the film?

[Drew Barrymore]

I did. And it's so weird. He turns into a monkey, and it's a whole peyote trip. And it's so crazy.

[Stephen Colbert]

I was like, thank God that's not my dad.

[Drew Barrymore]

Oh, that is kind of similar to my own dad. Never mind. Yeah, real weird.

[Stephen Colbert]

Ken Russell.

[Drew Barrymore]

Ken Russell, man.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's right. Cats or dogs?

[Drew Barrymore]

Oh, God, this sucks. Cause I have both.

[Stephen Colbert]

I won't tell them.

[Drew Barrymore]

They know.

[Stephen Colbert]

They know. Okay.

[Drew Barrymore]

Dogs. God, I feel so bad. I love cats, too.

[Stephen Colbert]

But here's the thing. Here's the thing is that the cat's feelings won't be hurt, but the dog's feelings would have been terribly hurt. Okay.

[Drew Barrymore]

I got lucky.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, the cats are like, back at you.

[Drew Barrymore]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it? This isn't. Not continuously, but when you go to listen to music, this is the song that plays.

[Drew Barrymore]

This is like the action movie. Damn it. Why does this happen? Why do we black out when things like this happen? Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

Pulpit questionnaire is very difficult. This is why some people don't have the courage. Favorite song. Don't think about it. Go.

[Drew Barrymore]

Mother God, I really suck at this, don't I?

[Stephen Colbert]

I want to warn our affiliates we may be going long.

[Drew Barrymore]

I'm so sorry. I'll just pick Girls Just Want to have Fun in War of the Worlds.

[Stephen Colbert]

Those are two songs.

[Drew Barrymore]

No. War of the Worlds, Action Movie and.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, Always Want to have Fun.

[Drew Barrymore]

And they're not my favorite. They're just fun.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sorry, Sorry. For all eternity, it's Girls Just Want to have Fun. All right, what number am I thinking of?

[Drew Barrymore]

13.

[Stephen Colbert]

No. OK. Describe the rest of your life in five words.

[Drew Barrymore]

Happy, calm, silly, affectionate. Not taking it too seriously.

[Stephen Colbert]

You'll allow it. The Drew Barrymore show airs weekdays on cbs. Drew Barrymore, thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

[Drew Barrymore]

With the American Express Gold card, I can earn four times membership rewards points at US Supermarkets. So with all these groceries, I'm also getting points. Learn [e-mail] US Explore Gold terms and points cap apply.