First Drafts with Evie | Holiday Cards 2025

Summary

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: First Drafts with Evie | Holiday Cards 2025
Date: December 21, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this festive episode, Stephen Colbert is joined by his wife, Evie McGee, for the “First Drafts” segment, where they humorously unveil imagined "first drafts" of classic holiday cards. The episode blends the couple's natural chemistry with witty banter and whimsical riffs on holiday traditions, gift giving, travel mishaps, and the relatable awkwardness of neighborhood relationships.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Holiday Traditions & Relationships

• Opening Festivities:

  • Stephen sets a warm, jovial tone celebrating holiday togetherness and pokes gentle fun at perennial party guests like “Alan”:
    • “Is he a cousin? Is he someone's former co-worker? No one's sure, but he's there every year. Good to see you again, Alan.” [04:39]
  • The importance of holiday cards and familial roles is immediately established, with Stephen introducing Evie as his “legal wife”:
    • "My legal wife, Evie. Oh my God. Your vision." [05:36]

• Colbert Couple Dynamics:

  • Their playful, loving rapport shines as they joke about legal vs. "non-legal" wives and Evie’s outfit:
    • “No, but you are legally my wife. This isn’t just some sort of common law marriage.” [05:53]
    • Evie: “Don’t you think I look like a baddie in like a Marvel movie?” [06:07]
    • Stephen: “This, lose this, maybe. I think this takes away from the baddie.” [06:11]

2. “First Drafts” Segment: Holiday Cards

• Explaining the Bit:

  • Stephen clarifies the setup: he’ll show a traditional holiday card, then reveal a “first draft” that’s funnier—sometimes painfully relatable, sometimes dark.
    • “I show the audience a lovely holiday card… and then I show them the not so great first draft of that same card.” [06:53]

• First Card—Neighbor Greetings:

  • Hallmark version: “Merry Christmas, neighborhood. Living near people like you is the best gift of all.”
  • First Draft: “Merry Christmas, neighbor. I forgot your name and now it’s too late to ask. I’m gonna go with ‘Chief’ until one of us moves or dies.” [07:26]
  • Leads to real-life admission:
    • Evie: “Actually, the people across the street... I don’t know their name—” [07:51]
    • Stephen: “We thought they were spies… They wear black and they wear leather clothes and stuff like that.” [08:09]

• Gift-Giving Philosophy Card:

  • Hallmark version: “It’s not the number of presents under the tree that matters. It’s the health and happiness of our loved ones. Merry Christmas.”
  • First Draft: “It’s not the number of presents under the tree that matters. It’s the total value of all the presents. For example, one present that costs $2,000 is better than 10 presents that only add up to $1,500.” [09:06]
  • Gift preferences revealed:
    • Evie: “I want a couple of presents… I don’t want just one.” [09:24]
    • Stephen: “I know that every Christmas you really would like someone to give you a book.” [09:26]

• Road Trip Rituals & Mishaps:

  • Discussing their holiday drive to Charleston:
    • Stephen: “We have our 14-hour drive to Charleston…” [10:28]
    • Evie: “For you to leave your phone in a bathroom on the interstate.” [10:31]
    • Stephen: “I did that once. But you couldn’t do it again. No, I will never do it again. Because of that.” [10:40]

• Snowman Family Card:

  • Hallmark version: “Happy holidays. From some jolly happy souls.”
  • First Draft: “Happy Holidays. If you remove our hats, we will die.” [11:19]
    • Stephen: “That’s how Frosty comes to life… and if you take the hat off, he dies… or becomes inanimate. His soul leaves his body.” [11:47]
    • Audience (and Stephen): “Dark.” [11:56–11:57]

• Spy-Themed Card:

  • Hallmark version: “I’ll be home for Christmas. You can count on me.”
  • First Draft: “I’ll be home for Christmas. If you wanted to kill me in Marrakesh, you should have finished the job.” [12:27]

3. Playful Spousal Competition

• Evie playfully exposes that she’s already gotten Stephen a gift, prompting faux distress:
  • Stephen: “I’m way behind… you on the Christmas present. And now I feel terrible.” [12:02]
  • Evie, in her leather dress: “I’m wearing a leather dress. Just don’t cross me.” [12:17]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Neighbor Amnesia:

  • Stephen: “I forgot your name and now it’s too late to ask. I’m gonna go with ‘Chief’ until one of us moves or dies.” [07:26]

• Gift Value Wisdom:

  • Stephen: “For example, one present that costs $2,000 is better than 10 presents that only add up to $1,500. Are you writing sound wisdom?” [09:06]

• Bookworm Confession:

  • Stephen: “I know that every Christmas you really would like someone to give you a book.”
  • Evie: “So, you can get me—”
  • Stephen: “I’m getting you a book. Don’t you worry about that.” [09:31–09:39]

• French Fry Travel Rules:

  • Evie: “If we leave really early, how early can you get the first french fries?”
  • Stephen: “11 AM is the earliest… That’s why I don’t want to leave at 6. I don’t want to wait that long for the fries.” [11:04–11:16]

• On the Dark Side of Holiday Cards:

  • Stephen: “If you remove our hats, we will die.”
  • (Both, laughing): “Dark.” [11:47–11:57]

• Marriage Banter:

  • Stephen: “I just found out that I’m way behind… you on the Christmas present. And now I feel terrible.”
  • Evie: “Well, snap up… Just don't cross me.” [12:02–12:17]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [04:39] – Stephen’s intro to holiday traditions and greeting to Evie
• [06:53] – Explanation of “First Drafts” segment
• [07:26] – Neighbor card and real-life neighbor-spy theory
• [09:06] – Expensive gift vs. many gifts debate
• [09:26–09:39] – Book as Christmas gift conversation
• [10:28–10:40] – Road trip and phone mishap story
• [11:19] – Snowman card with a dark twist
• [12:02–12:17] – Gift-giving competition and leather dress threat
• [12:27] – Spy-themed holiday card punchline

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Tone & Atmosphere

The episode is warm, goofy, and festive, full of the sparkling, affectionate back-and-forth between Stephen and Evie Colbert. Their quirky takes on holiday conventions and personal anecdotes lend warmth and hilarity to the proceedings—making this a standout holiday-themed installment for fans and newcomers alike.

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For more clips and exclusives, visit The Late Show YouTube channel.

Transcript

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, everybody. Stephen Colbert here about to read the copy for our sponsor. This is from our friends at Wonderful Pistachios. And I was the wonderful pistachio spokesman for years. Yeah, I have a real close association with nut meat. Okay. You know what they say when they reach for a snack? Don't hold back. And that's exactly the approach with Wonderful Pistachios. The don't hold back snack.

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Just eat. No judgment. I take issue with one thing. It's instant gratification. It's super tasty smooth.

[Guest or Co-host]

It's a hard nut smooth.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly.

I mean, even out of the shell.

It'S still a nut.

[Guest or Co-host]

We can't disparage the nuts.

[Guest or Supporting Cast]

You.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm not disparaging the nut.

I'm describing the nut.

[Guest or Co-host]

Don't disparage any flavors.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm not. I am celebrating the pistachio right now. I'm on board. I love pistachios. I love.

I love crushed pistachio. Like a pistachio crusted trout. Oh, unbelievable. Instead of a trout amandine, a trout pistachio.

Fantastic.

Enough butter?

Who cares?

[Guest or Co-host]

Very good.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I love pistachio ice cream.

[Guest or Co-host]

Have you had the sea salt and vinegar? Wonderful pistachio. It's delicious. I get them.

[Stephen Colbert]

I didn't even know I get them.

[Guest or Co-host]

Before the softball games.

[Stephen Colbert]

But that's. You see, it's been a while since I've been the spokesman for wonderful pistachios. I didn't realize we'd achieved new pistachio technology.

[Guest or Co-host]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

Wonderful pistachios has every snack style covered. Right now. There's an obsession with jalapeno lime. There is an obsession session. It's almost a disorder. It's spicy, it's zesty. It's basically a flavor roller coaster in a nut. Snacking on the go. Grab a bag of no shells. Feeling contemplative and want to work for it a little. So earning it, they're saying if you want to earn your nut, crack open those in shell beauties. Either way, it's snacking like a champ. So the next time hunger strikes, don't hold back. Unless it's a hunger strike.

And Then it's important that you do.

Because whatever you're doing that for, I'm sure it's a worthwhile cause. Snack like you mean it with wonderful pistachios. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more.

[Guest or Co-host]

That was a wonderful.

[Stephen Colbert]

I wonder what more there is to learn.

We just told them so much. We just told them so much about pistachios. But evidently there's a whole other world.

There's an unexplored vista.

[Guest or Co-host]

They got a bunch of flavors. They got dill pickle, jalapeno lime, as we learned, smoky barbecue. There's a lot of different flavors.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. And I would not disparage any of them.

[Guest or Co-host]

No, no, no.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bring it on.

[Guest or Co-host]

Nothing bad to say.

[Stephen Colbert]

Nut me, nut. Nut me with nut meat.

[Guest or Co-host]

We're nut.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, we got nothing but nut. Nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty.

Talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about nutty.

Good.

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[Guest or Co-host]

It's the Late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Colbert]

Folks. I love the holidays so much that I could say that twice in a night. It's that special time of year when we all gather together with family and friends. And Alan, is he a cousin? Is he someone's former co worker? No one's sure, but he's there every year. Good to see you again, Alan. But it's not just the holidays. It's just not the holidays. Who cares at this point? It's just not the holidays without holiday cards. Which I'd like to show you in my segment, first drafts, Of course. I can never do this alone. So please welcome someone who's pretty presence is always a present. My legal wife, Evie. Oh, my God. Your vision.

[Evie McGee]

Hello.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, my God.

[Evie McGee]

That's so nice.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you. Please go, won't you?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have a seat. There you go. I like that. May I?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

What do you mean your legal wife?

[Stephen Colbert]

You are legally my wife.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Yes, well, you have a non legal wife.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, but you are legally my wife. This isn't just some sort of common law marriage.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

No. We are 100% so married.

[Stephen Colbert]

We are so married. May I touch the fabric? Here? Come on. Now you're legally my wife. I think legally, that is. I love plum leather.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I know. Don't you think I look like a baddie in like a Marvel movie?

[Stephen Colbert]

This, lose this, maybe. I think this takes away from the baddie.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

That's the disguise. You don't think I'm a baddie? Then I take it off and I'm.

[Evie McGee]

Like, stop right there.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's like Batman's mask. No one recognizes him because of that. All right.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Exactly.

[Stephen Colbert]

Happy Christmas time.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

You think I'm just a nice person, but no.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, I would never think if he was a nice person.

[Kelly Clarkson]

Now.

[Stephen Colbert]

Happy eggnog.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you.

There you go.

Merry Christmas.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

There you go. Cheers.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Cookies. Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Has this got liquor in it?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I hope so.

[Stephen Colbert]

You better believe it, darling. You know how first drafts works. Would you mind hold this for a second?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I will.

[Stephen Colbert]

Which order do you give these? I can think that way. I think that way. I show the audience a lovely holiday card, the kind you might buy in a store. And then I show them the not so great first draft of that same card. Are we all on board?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

It's complicated, but I think I've got it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, great. May I have the first card, my love? Here's one for the family next door. It says, merry Christmas, neighborhood. Living near people like you is the best gift of all.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

We have such nice neighbors.

[Stephen Colbert]

We have such lovely neighbors.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

We do.

[Stephen Colbert]

I have the second one.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

We can't talk.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, we can't. This is the premise. This is the punchline. If you talk between the two, the punchline suffers, as we're about to find out. But the first draft said, merry Christmas, neighbor. I forgot your name and now it's too Late to ask. I'm gonna go with chief until one of us moves or dies.

[Evie McGee]

Actually, the people across the street, I.

[Stephen Colbert]

Don'T know their name. No, I don't have a deal. Don't they? They're watching right now. She just says she doesn't know the names of the people across the street.

[Evie McGee]

Steven. They didn't even hear me say that.

[Stephen Colbert]

They did. Mike, you got a mic. You got the thing.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

We thought they were spies.

[Stephen Colbert]

We thought they were spies.

We did.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

We thought they were spies.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why are we saying this?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Well, there's several houses across the street. It could one of several.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, it's the one right across with the Spice because he rides a motorcycle or something. Yeah, they wear black and they wear leather clothes and stuff like that.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. What do you want for Christmas? Please tell me.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I know.

[Stephen Colbert]

I really. What? Come on.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I mean, I can't think of anything. I really am.

[Stephen Colbert]

You need boots.

Do you need a.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

No, I got some nice boots.

[Stephen Colbert]

I know you do. That's the problem with coming on the show. You get a new outfit. Yeah.

[Evie McGee]

Yeah. By Christmas.

[Stephen Colbert]

There you go.

Can I please have the first of the next one, my love? All right, thank you very much.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

You're being very bossy tonight.

[Kelly Clarkson]

I don't like it.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm not bossy. We just.

We do eventually have to go home. All right.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

This one says it's not the number of presents under the tree that matters. It's the health and happiness of our loved ones. Merry Christmas.

That is a beautiful, beautiful sentiment, but.

The first draft said it's not the number of presents under the tree that matters. It's the total value of all the presents. For example, one present that costs $2,000 is better than 10 presents that only add up to $1,500. Are you writing sound wisdom?

[Evie McGee]

I don't agree.

[Stephen Colbert]

You don't agree?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

No.

[Evie McGee]

I want a couple of presents.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I don't want just one.

[Stephen Colbert]

You want a couple presents. I know that every Christmas you really would like someone to give you a book.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I do.

[Stephen Colbert]

If you don't get a book, you go, no one's happy.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Thanks.

[Stephen Colbert]

I read. Yeah. No one knows how much I love books.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

So give me. So you can get me.

[Guest or Co-host]

Ah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm getting you a book. Don't you worry about that.

All right.

All right.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

But seriously, what do you want for Christmas?

[Stephen Colbert]

I was waiting for you to ask. I'm like, what?

[Guest or Co-host]

Nothing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thanks.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Maybe I already have your present.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Maybe.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I do.

[Stephen Colbert]

No way.

I do.

That's not nice.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I know.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'M ahead of you. You won Christmas just now.

[Evie McGee]

I did.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I just did, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is it nice? Good stuff.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I think you'll like it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Maybe. Come on. For Valentine's Day and we'll review whether I enjoyed the Christmas presents.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Ok. Deal.

[Stephen Colbert]

Ok, go. Deal.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Deal.

[Stephen Colbert]

Could I have another one, please?

[Guest or Supporting Cast]

My dad.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

You just.

[Evie McGee]

We can't chat.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, we can't. We have a television show to do. What would you like to chat about? What would you like to chat about? Gotta be Christmassy.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

That's the name. All right. Christmas. What else do we want to do.

[Stephen Colbert]

Besides like, we're going to go to Charleston. We're going to drive to Charleston.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Drive to Charleston to.

[Stephen Colbert]

We have our 14 hour drive to Charleston.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Which allows us to do what?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

For you to leave your phone in a bathroom on the interstate.

[Evie McGee]

I mean, while I ratting you out.

[Stephen Colbert]

I did that once. But you couldn't do it again. No, I will never do it again. Because of that. That is why. No, that's. Why did we stop? Why do we stop for French fries? It's the only. We drive.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

The dog also sometimes needs to exit the car.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly. But we drive so we can bring the dog. But that allows us. That's our excuse. And allows us to stop at McDonald's and get french fries.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

OK, question. If we leave really early, how early can you get the first french fries?

[Stephen Colbert]

11Am is the earliest.

French fries.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

But what if we leave at 6? That's a long.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's still 11am That's a long time. That's why I don't want to. I don't want to leave at 6. I don't want to wait that long for the fries.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

There are a lot of cinnabons on i95.

[Stephen Colbert]

Uh, you want me to go to sleep and crash? Here's one with a family of snowmen. And it says happy holidays. From some jolly happy souls.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Very well done. They're on your side. Look at that.

[Stephen Colbert]

The first draft said Happy Holidays. If you remove our hats, we will die. Frosty the Snowman. That's how frosty comes to life. There must have been some magic in that old silk hat thing.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

And if you take the hat off, he dies.

[Stephen Colbert]

He dies. Yeah, he dies or he becomes inanimate. He just becomes a snowman again. His soul leaves his body.

Dark.

[Guest or Supporting Cast]

Dark.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, I didn't write it. Can I have this one?

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

You're in a bad mood.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm not in a bad mood at all. I just found out that I'm way behind. I'm way behind. You on the Christmas present. And now I feel terrible.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Well, snap up.

[Stephen Colbert]

That is the spirit of the season.

Terrible.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

I'm wearing a leather dress. Just don't cross me.

[Stephen Colbert]

Here's another nice card. I'll be home for Christmas. You can count on me. But the first draft said I'll be home for Christmas. If you wanted to kill me in Marrakesh, you should have finished the job. Evie McGee, everybody. Merry Christmas, darling. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

[Kelly Clarkson]

Hey, what's up, y'?

[Stephen Colbert]

All?

[Kelly Clarkson]

Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. My favorite thing about the holidays, Decking out my whole house. It's not a competition. But if it was, well, I'd win the season with Wayfair outdoor inflatable Santa.

[Legal Wife (Possibly a Comedian or Co-host)]

Got it on Wayfair.

[Kelly Clarkson]

Trees, lights and ornaments. Wayfair hosting must haves like dining, sets, beds, sheets and towels. Wayfair for everything in your style, delivered with fast and free shipping. Visit Wayfair.com or the Wayfair app to win the season. But again, it's not a competition. Wayfair Every style, Every home.

[Narrator or Advertiser Voice]

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[Guest or Supporting Cast]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Social services have been called in.

[Evie McGee]

I've known you for 10 years. How could you make that call?

[Guest or Supporting Cast]

These rich families, concealing things seems to come naturally.

[Narrator or Advertiser Voice]

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[Evie McGee]

You can't take our children.

[Narrator or Advertiser Voice]

And Joe Joyner.

[Stephen Colbert]

Parents can do some terrible things in moments of frustration.

[Narrator or Advertiser Voice]

Little Disasters. All episodes now streaming on Paramount. Plus.