Transcript
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Stephen Colbert (1:04)
Welcome one and all to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, my friends and neighbors. Over the last two months, all the worrywarts out there have been running around going, oh, the Trump administration's evil. I don't think that's fair. They're all so dumb. Yesterday was this just yesterday? Just yesterday we found out just how dumb turns out. In an unprecedented security breach in a high highly classified cabinet level group chat about plans to bomb Yemen, Trump officials did not notice that they included the editor in chief of the Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg. That must have been really weird for Jeffrey. Looks like the group chat is blowing up Yemen. This is a gargantuanly stupid screw up. We have officially entered the Amelia Bedelia stage of government. Quit peak head Seth, scramble the fighter jets. No, not with a whisk. It all started when the journalist Goldberg received a request on the messaging app signal from a user identified as Michael Waltz, the name of Trump's national security advisor. Now, at first, Goldberg was concerned that it might be a hoax. But he got a hint it might be real when he was added to a text chain called Houthi PC Small Group. Turns out it was real and that Houthis is short for Houthis Idiots running our government. Come on. In addition, Hooties be named for that. In addition to Goldberg, the chat included National Security Adviser Michael waltz, Vice President J.D. vance, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, CIA Director John Ratcliffe, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, White House advisor Stephen Miller, Treasury Secretary Scott Besant, and also in the signal chat, Timothee Chalamet. Because these days, these. These days, he's in everything. According to Goldberg, the texts sounded as if they were written by the people who purportedly sent them. Yeah, only the real Pete Hegseth would text. You guys, Wama, get Patric, it's 5 o'clock sometimes on Friday, the group chat started to heat up like they always do on Fridays. You know, what do you guys want to do this weekend? Hit, Hit the curb. Korean barbeque, Rain. Laser guided hell on a desert outpost. Jaeger Bombs. Actual bombs. First, the JD Vance account texted, I think we are making a mistake. Coincidentally, also the original name of the group chat, Vance continued. Vance continues, there is a real risk that the public doesn't understand this and there is a strong argument for delaying this. A month doing the messaging work on why this matters. To which Pete Hegseth responded. I think messaging is going to be tough no matter what. Really? Because if anything, this story proves that messaging is actually too easy for you guys. In the end. In the end, the chat rangers put aside their differences and came together to agree to bomb the Houthis. Which Goldberg learned the next day when at 11:44am Pete Hegseth posted a team update which contained operational details of forthcoming strikes on Yemen, including information about targets, weapons the US Would be deploying, and attack sequencing. So to recap, the Secretary of Defense posted on a publicly available app specific war plans which were then seen by a reporter who was accidentally on the thread. It's a phenomenon previously known as brother of the bride on the bachelor party text chain. Ha ha Ron here. Coke and strippers do sound rad. But you know what would really be sick? Respecting my sister Disco emoji. Now, fun fact. Posting war plans on Signal may have violated several provisions of the Espionage Act. And the Signal app is not approved by the government for the sharing of classified information. And the only reason we know that they were doing any of this is because they accidentally included a journalist. What else are these merit based hires posting? Where else? What are they doing? Where else? Come on. For all we know, for just $4.99 a month, you might see the launch codes on OnlyFans. Then. Then, to confirm whether these bombing texts were real, Goldberg checked social media for news of strikes on Yemen while waiting in his car in a supermarket parking lot. Okay, that's bad for our country, but even worse for the guy trying to figure out if Goldberg was ever going to leave his parking spot. Hey, buddy, buddy. You don't see my turn signal here? What are you waiting for? Secret war plans? Screw it. Screw it. I'm going to stalk that old lady with a shopping cart. Hold on. Hold on. After Goldberg. Hi. After Goldberg started seeing reports of the strikes on social media, National Security Advisor Mike Waltz updated the chat group and described the operation as an amazing job, and then sent three emojis, a fist, American flag, and fire, to which Steve Witkoff responded with five emojis, two hands praying, a flexed bicep, and two American flags, to which I say, have those sent to the National Archives. And again, all of these. All of these. These are the people with the highest possible security clearance in the world who hold our most dangerous secrets, who aren't even supposed to say these things out loud outside of a skiff. And according to Goldberg, no one in the group seemed to have noticed my presence. And they should have known someone from the Atlantic was there, because after 10 messages, Goldberg chimed in to say, you've reached your free article limit. Please log in to. All of these people should be fired. Maybe some of them should go to jail. Who knows? I don't know. I'm not a judge. But one person close to the administration told Politico, everyone in the White House can agree on one thing. Mike Waltz is a idiot. Ladies and gentlemen. Please, please, please. No one takes this out of context. I agree with everyone in the White House. Hey, guys, add me to the chat. You won't even know I'm there. Now, with the full depth, with the complexity and depth of their incompetence on display, these folks have tried every kind of spin they can think of. Hegseth talked to reporters fresh off a plane in Hawaii, and he went on the offensive against Jeffrey Goldberg. You're talking about a deceitful and highly discredited so called journalist. This is the guy that pedals in garbage. This is what he does. Then why was he on the war planning group chat? Why was he in the chat? This guy's an idiot and everyone hates him. You're the guys who put him in the chat. You did. He's a moron. Okay, then don't put him in the secret chat. If he's a bad guy, why is he in the chat? Hi. A reporter also asked Hegseth how they could have both used a publicly available app and accidentally shared all this classified info with a journalist.