Jim Gaffigan | One Nation Under Fraud

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: Jim Gaffigan | One Nation Under Fraud
Release Date: May 6, 2025
Host: CBS
Guest: Jim Gaffigan

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Introduction and Monologue

The episode commences with Stephen Colbert delivering his signature monologue, blending humor with current events. He kicks off by addressing Cinco de Mayo, humorously correcting misconceptions about the holiday's origin. Colbert quips, “I think a lot of people, and I know I'm guilty of this show, a lot of people think that Cinco de Mayo is Mexican Independence Day. It's not” (00:55).

As the monologue progresses, Colbert shifts focus to a recent interview Donald Trump conducted with Kristen Welker on Meet the Press. He highlights Trump's perplexing responses, particularly when asked about upholding the Constitution. Colbert recounts, “When Welker asked Trump about the economic cluster munch he has unleashed on America, and he knew just to blame” (05:33), showcasing Trump's tendency to dichotomize his administration's actions versus those of his successor.

Colbert humorously critiques Trump's inability to answer fundamental questions, emphasizing the president’s repetitive “I don’t know” responses:

• Kristen Welker: "Don't you need to uphold the Constitution of the United States as president?"
• Donald Trump: "I don't know." (03:10)

Further, Colbert mocks Trump's proposals, such as reopening Alcatraz, by blending real policies with absurd ideas. He remarks, “Trump explained that due process is fine and stuff, but it's just so time consuming” (04:46), underscoring the president’s dismissive attitude towards legal processes.

Colbert also touches on Trump's flirtation with AI-generated imagery, including controversial depictions like the president holding a lightsaber, blending pop culture with political satire: “Trump posted some bizarre AI generated images this weekend, some more offensive than others” (08:30).

Transition to Guest: Jim Gaffigan

Following the monologue, Colbert introduces the episode's guest, comedian and father Jim Gaffigan, with his characteristic humor:

"My first guest is a Self described male model. Please welcome back to the Late show, the always sexy Jim Gaffigan." (12:30)

Gaffigan is warmly welcomed by the audience, setting a relaxed and humorous tone for the ensuing conversation.

Conversation with Jim Gaffigan

Bourbon Brand and Family Life

Jim Gaffigan delves into his venture into the bourbon industry, discussing his brand "Father Time Bourbon." He explains the inspiration behind launching two distinct strengths:

• Normal Strength
• High Proof (121 proof, humorously termed "empty nester strength") (15:05)

Gaffigan shares his personal journey, mentioning how the pandemic catalyzed his deeper interest in bourbon:

"Four years ago, I wasn't even really into bourbon. It was the pandemic... I got into bourbon." (16:11)

He humorously addresses concerns about his growing bourbon collection, likening it to a potential red flag for alcoholism:

"I'm not like an alcoholic, which is probably something an alcoholic would say, you know, especially I'm not an." (15:44)

Colbert and Gaffigan discuss the intricacies of bourbon tasting, with Gaffigan expressing his fascination with liquor store dynamics and creative naming conventions:

"Liquor stores always have super creative names, like Discount Liquors, Bob's Bargain Emporium." (20:08)

Family and Personal Anecdotes

Gaffigan opens up about his family life, describing the challenges and humor in raising five children aged 12 to 20. He shares relatable anecdotes about teenage antics and the humorous frustrations that come with parenthood:

"Why is my 15 year old daughter wearing my blue jeans? Where are all my socks? Why am I sticking this gun in my mouth?" (22:07)

Colbert plays along, enhancing the comedic interplay as they discuss the chaos of a large family.

Comedy and Upcoming Projects

The conversation shifts to Gaffigan’s comedy career, particularly his latest album, "The Skinny," available for pre-order. Gaffigan humorously recounts how his children "ruined" a cherished photo for the album artwork:

"I had this picture that I liked, and my three youngest... they messed up this picture." (21:43)

He also discusses his comedic inspirations and the balance between his bourbon business and stand-up routines, emphasizing that comedy remains a significant, though evolving, aspect of his life.

Legacy and Heritage

Gaffigan reflects on his family's history, particularly the story of his grandfather who transitioned the family from coal mining to dentistry, highlighting themes of hard work and social mobility:

"My grandfather broke the cycle of my family working in coal mines by making dentures, which launched us into the middle class." (17:19)

This reflection adds depth to the conversation, showcasing Gaffigan's appreciation for his heritage and the values instilled by his forebears.

Conclusion

The episode wraps up with Colbert thanking Jim Gaffigan for his candid and humorous insights into his life and ventures. Colbert invites listeners to explore more content on The Late Show YouTube channel and reminds them of the podcast's offerings.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Stephen Colbert [03:16]: “I don't know. Well, let's try this one. Will our country ever recover from your presidency?”
• Jim Gaffigan [15:21]: “This is called empty nester strength.”
• Stephen Colbert [20:08]: “I lived across the street from a liquor store in Chicago for many years called Non Better, Not None Better.”

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Key Takeaways

• Political Satire: Colbert provides sharp commentary on Donald Trump's recent interview, highlighting inconsistencies and absurdities in his responses.

• Jim Gaffigan's Ventures: The episode offers an in-depth look at Gaffigan's foray into the bourbon industry, blending his personal experiences with business endeavors.

• Humor and Family Dynamics: Gaffigan shares relatable and humorous stories about balancing a large family with entrepreneurial and comedic pursuits.

• Cultural Reflections: The discussion touches on themes of heritage, legacy, and the evolving nature of family roles and personal interests.

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This episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert masterfully blends political satire with personal anecdotes, delivering both insightful commentary and heartfelt humor. Listeners are treated to a balanced conversation that highlights the multifaceted lives of both the host and his guest.

Transcript

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[Kaley Cuoco]

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[Audience]

Go to your happy price.

[Stephen Colbert]

Priceline. Welcome, friends and neighbors, to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. First of all, I just want to. I just want to start off tonight by saying, happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Or as it's been officially renamed, Cinco de America. Now, I think, I think a lot of people, and I know I'm guilty of this show, a lot of people think that Cinco de Mayo is Mexican Independence Day. It's not. In fact, it commemorates the day in 1862 when Mexican General Inacio Zaragoza became the first man to enjoy lime dollaritas at participating Applebee's. There's one right down the street.

[Audience]

Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

There's an Applebee's right down the street. Waiting for my free lime Dimerita right now. Okay. Now if you're going out tonight, please stay safe. Remember the old rhyme, liquor before beer. Never fear, don't ever drink tequila. It's not only Cinco de Mayo, it's also the six month anniversary of Donald Trump getting elected. So, yeah. So there's two good reasons to puke on the sidewalk this weekend. This weekend. Ooh, I really, really want that Dimerita or whatever it was. Dollarita. This weekend, Trump gave an interview to. What did he give it to? He gave it to Meet the Press. And it must have been complicated for him because he hates the press, but he loves meat. The biggest and most alarming takeaway from this interview was when Trump was asked if he has to uphold the Constitution. And he said, I don't know. Well, it's been great, folks, but that's it. I think we can roll credits on the United States. Honey, I'm coming home, Jim. Oh, I have to keep going. Even if there's no Ameri. Okay, here's the big moment. When Welker asked Trump about his administration deporting people without due process.

[Kristen Welker]

Don't you need to uphold the Constitution of the United States as president?

[Donald Trump]

I don't know.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, that is the dumbest he sounded in a while. Quick Follow up question, Mr. President, do you still have the mental faculties to fulfill the duties of your office?

[Donald Trump]

I don't know.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, well, let's try this. Let's try this one. Will our country ever recover from your presidency?

[Donald Trump]

I don't know.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right, fine. Here's a really easy one. Why have you cheated on all of your wives?

[Donald Trump]

I just love doing it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, there you go. He just. It's. He's honest as the day is long. Welker would not let the president wiggle out of this.

[Kristen Welker]

Your Secretary of State says everyone who's here, citizens and noncitizens, deserve due process. Do you agree, Mr. President?

[Donald Trump]

I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. I don't know.

[Kristen Welker]

Well, the Fifth Amendment says I don't know.

[Donald Trump]

It seems it might say that.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't know why. I don't know why she expects him to know the Fifth Amendment. He only invoked it 450 times on a single day. But to be fair, who can remember all the amendments? It goes blah, blah, blah. That's the first one. Second amendment. Pew, pew, pew, pew,pew, pew. Third amendment. Oi, governor, can I sleep in your house? And of course, fourth. Ain't no law on the claw.

[Audience]

Oh, oh.

[Stephen Colbert]

I fought the claw and the claw won. That is refreshing is what that is. They sponsor refreshing. Trump explained that due process is fine and stuff, but it's just so time consuming.

[Donald Trump]

We'd have to have a million or 2 million or 3 million trials.

[Stephen Colbert]

Then have the trials. Otherwise, we're just living in the least popular Dick Wolf show and Order. Welker did a great job. She also asked Trump about the economic cluster munch he has unleashed on America, and he knew just to blame.

[Kristen Welker]

When does it become the Trump economy?

[Donald Trump]

It partially is right now. And I really mean this. I think the good parts are the Trump economy and the bad parts are the Biden economy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. Who could have seen that coming? All good stuff is Trump. All bad stuff is Biden.

[Audience]

Sunshine. That's Trump. Rain, Sleepy Joe pizza.

[Stephen Colbert]

Trump.

[Audience]

Box of spinach. You buy because you're trying to be healthy and then forget about it and it gets dark and wet so you just throw it out. That's Biden. Ivanka Trump, Eric Biden.

[Stephen Colbert]

Then I don't think I'm putting any effort into that impression anymore. Just not an ounce of effort into it. Then like any great presidential interview, the talk turned to dollies.

[Kristen Welker]

You said some dolls are going to cost more. Isn't that an acknowledgement that some prices will go up?

[Donald Trump]

I don't think a beautiful baby girl needs. That's 11 years old, needs to have 30 dolls.

[Stephen Colbert]

Congratulations, Mr. And Mrs. Johnson. It's a beautiful 11 year old baby. You did so well in your 44th trimester. Oh, you want. Okay, there you go. See my life. The crazy continued on Air Force One when Trump doubled down on the dollies.

[Donald Trump]

All I'm saying is that you don't that a young lady, 10 year old girl, 9 year old girl, a 15 year old girl doesn't need $37. She could be very happy with 2 or 3 or 4 or 5.

[Stephen Colbert]

Buddy, a 15 year old girl is not going to be happy with two or three or four or five dolls. Cause a 15 year old girl isn't happy with anything. Who raised your children?

[Audience]

Hey.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, kiddo. Do you want to come down for dinner? Are you still mad that we asked you how your day was? Okay. Trump also announced his exciting new renovation plans for the White House.

[Donald Trump]

For 50 years, they wanted to build a ballroom at the White House. We are going to make and build a ballroom which they've wanted for probably 100 years at the White House.

[Stephen Colbert]

A ballroom. You know what this means?

[Audience]

The prince is giving a ball. The prince is giving a ball.

I can't wait. But remember. But I must remember. I must remember. At midnight, my junk turns back into a decorative gourd.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is that better? Is that more effort?

[Audience]

Am I putting more effort in?

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

It wasn't all spouting nonsense on the Meet the Press. Some of it was spouting nonsense online. Like this post.

[Audience]

I am directing the Bureau of Prisons together with the Department of Justice, FBI and Homeland Security to reopen a substantially enlarged and rebuilt Alcatraz.

[Stephen Colbert]

I know that sounds crazy, but you just gotta believe it was a compromise. When his staff told him he couldn't reopen Azkaban, Trump was asked about the inspiration behind reopening the prison. And the President said it was just.

[Audience]

An idea I've had. You know, you know, you don't have.

[Stephen Colbert]

To act on every idea you've ever had. Right?

[Audience]

We're gonna bring back the Salem witch trials in primetime, and I'm the host. And when I say, you're fired, we set him on fire. Super bowl ratings every night. Let's see Schwarzenegger do that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Another brainstorm. Another brainstorm Trump had this weekend is a 100% tariff on foreign made movies. Oh, no, that's horrible. Said the girlfriend of the film student who keeps getting dragged to Hungarian cinema about two dogs in a room. No, no, darling, darling, you see this one dog. This one dog here is a metaphor for the other dog. Shh, shh. They're just about to not move. The thing is, making any movie takes a lot of different people in a lot of different places. For example, a single superhero movie can often involve half a dozen or more specialized firms scattered around the world. And now people in Hollywood are freaking out, mostly from the coke, but about this, too. Trump's tariffs would virtually halt all movie production. And America makes a lot of money from movies. According to the Motion Picture association of America, in 2023 movies produced $22.6 billion in exports and $15.3 billion in trade surplus. The rest of the world loves our great movies like Die Hard, or as it's translated in Germany, die Slowly. That is true. It's called Die Slowly. Of course, for Germans, the idea of dying slowly counts as a rom com. Trump also posted some bizarre AI generated images this weekend, some more offensive than others. First up was him as the Pope. Now, as a Catholic, let me just say, in the words of St. Peter, go yourself. You were just at the Pope's funeral, remember? Everybody crying and the dead body on the floor.

[Audience]

Did you forget that part? Hey, I went to your grandmother's funeral and look at me. I'm your grandma. Look, I'm wearing her clothes. I love butterscotch and Wheel of Fortune. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Stephen Colbert]

Whooping you, whooping you. President did not stop there. He kept upsetting people. In honor of May 4, he posted this AI image of him holding a lightsaber. First the Catholic Church, now Star Wars. Stop insulting people's religions. Okay, the fourth may be with you, but I'm not. But I do want to extend my congratulations to Jar Jar Binks for no longer being the most despised character in the Star wars universe. We've got a great show for you tonight.

[Kaley Cuoco]

Coming up.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jim Gaffigan. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, I'm so happy for all of you because my first guest is a Self described male model. Please welcome back to the Late show, the always sexy Jim Gaffigan.

[Audience]

You know what? I wanted to do a little pratfall there.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you very much. Hey, nice to be here again.

[Audience]

Thank you for having me.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's pleasure to have you. You were just down in my neck of the woods down in Charleston, South Carolina.

[Audience]

Charleston. So beautiful.

[Stephen Colbert]

Isn't that Jimmy?

[Audience]

And, of course, it's the home of the sundress. Every single woman in that city is wearing a sundress. I'm not complaining. I just think that women should be able to wear other things other than sundresses.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Audience]

Everyone is so beautiful and rich. I feel. It feels like you're in a White Lotus episode a little bit.

[Stephen Colbert]

Happy White Lotus, yes.

[Audience]

Very happy people down there.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. You called me recently, which I always love hearing from you. I just want you to know that you called me at, like, 20 minutes to 3, which is when I'm getting ready to come down to rehearsal, which is a terrible time to call me, which I'm sure you must know. And so you're in show business. So you called me at 20 minutes to 3, and I want you to know I was about to get in the shower, and when I was talking to you, I was buck naked.

[Audience]

That was intentional, by the way.

[Stephen Colbert]

I was hoping to make me feel less uncomfortable. I was imagining you buck naked at the same time.

[Audience]

Well, you know what? I don't know if you encountered this. So I was on this conference call. There were a bunch of zooms about this, and it's with the Woodruff Foundation. They do fantastic work for veterans. And so they were like, Judy and Bobby. Yes. And so they were like, jim, you probably have some friends that could do this. And in that moment, I was like, I have no friends. I don't know. And so then I got. And I was like, all right, I'm gonna reach out to everyone I know. And so I reached out to you. Cause you're my friend.

[Stephen Colbert]

Was I first?

[Audience]

You were one of the first ones. And you said one of the first ones. You said yes right away.

[Stephen Colbert]

I did say yes right away. Yeah.

[Audience]

So.

[Stephen Colbert]

So anyway, so you were not naked.

[Audience]

I was not naked. I was dressed like a clown. But yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, so as you said, comedy's just like a side thing for you now. Right now it's just all. It's all bourbon. You've got two. You've got a brand of bourbon here.

[Audience]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

And then it's called Father Thyme.

[Audience]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's your bourbon right there.

[Audience]

Father Time Bourbon.

[Stephen Colbert]

And it comes in two strengths.

[Audience]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

It comes in. I love this. There's this strength, which is just normal strength. Okay. And then this is a high proof. This is 121 proof. So 60.7% alcohol. Please tell them what this strength is called.

[Audience]

This is called empty nester strength. And so some of it is my journey with bourbon. Like, four years ago, I wasn't even really into bourbon. It was the pandemic. I mean, I like to think that's one of my side effects from the vaccine, is that I got into bourbon.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sure.

[Audience]

You know.

[Stephen Colbert]

And so are you a big drinker?

[Audience]

I'm not. You know, I'm not like an alcoholic, which is probably something an alcoholic would say, you know, especially I'm not an.

[Stephen Colbert]

Alcoholic, since no one accused them of being an alcoholic. Right.

[Audience]

They just brought it up.

[Stephen Colbert]

Brought out, like, not an alcoholic.

[Audience]

It's impossible to say I'm not an alcoholic without sounding a little bit like an alcoholic, especially if you say it into a mirror. You know, I love the drama.

[Stephen Colbert]

I love the glasses. I love the glasses. Oh, there you go. Here. Like, this is my. They all have engraved. They all have sayings about fatherhood.

[Audience]

Yes. And so some of this is the bourbon. My fascination really started my wife and I, during the pandemic. We started drinking heavily. No. We would have an occasional bourbon every night. And so some of it started there and then, you know, I've always been complaining about my kids because they've ruined my life. And so some of it is. And I'm not suggesting that alcohol is the answer, but it's pretty damn close, you know, and bourbon in particular is, like, perfect.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Audience]

So. And so these are all quotes about.

[Stephen Colbert]

Fatherhood as a being of father time.

[Audience]

And I kind of. You know, some of this was inspired by. By the way, that's my grandfather who made dentures. And my entire life, I thought, oh, my grandpa made dentures. That's an interesting thing. And then when I did Finding youg Roots, I discovered that he broke this cycle of my. You know, my family had worked for four or five generations in coal mines, and he broke the cycle by making dentures, which essentially launched my family into the middle class. So he's truly a hero.

[Stephen Colbert]

I like this photo.

[Audience]

Not that there's anything wrong with coal miner.

[Stephen Colbert]

I love his photo. I like that he's on the phone, clearly talking to a satisfied customer.

[Audience]

That's one of the pictures I have.

[Stephen Colbert]

And this is another photo. That's another grandfather, isn't it?

[Audience]

That's my mom's dad. And he was from Iowa. And, you know, both. Both sides of my family are just like Catholics that were escaping persecution. So. Okay, it's.

[Stephen Colbert]

So please read. Please read what you're saying.

[Audience]

All right, so this. There's different quotes. All right, this one's. You know what it's like having a fifth kid. Imagine you're drowning and someone hands you a baby.

[Stephen Colbert]

So can I read this one? Is she a joke? Can I read this one? I like this one. I like this one. This is. Being a father is definitely the most important thing I will fail at in my life. So should we try this?

[Audience]

I think we should try it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Audience]

Do you want to do it like a carbon?

[Stephen Colbert]

What strength do you want to do? Well, do you want to do empty nester?

[Audience]

I like a high proof, but you know what? I understand some people like their bourbon approachable. But. And as I've gotten into bourbon, I like higher and higher proof until I'm just going to be, you know, drinking windshield wiper fluid. Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

The thing about a high proof bourbon is that it has more effect than just two drinks.

[Audience]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, I. I think it's a sneak attack.

[Audience]

I don't drink bourbon every day. That would be ridiculous. It's just at night, you know, we.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have to take a quick break. We'll be right back with more Jim Gaffigan, everybody. Hey, everybody. We're back with America, sweetheart. Jim Gaffigan. Shall we get sommelier?

[Audience]

How's that? Notes?

[Stephen Colbert]

Shall we do.

[Audience]

Yeah. So, like, some of the notes. I mean, I'm a bourbon nerd, but I'm new to the bourbon nerdom, and it is. I've started to collect bourbon, which is kind of a red flag, right? Like, there's. That's. That's. Were there any signs he was developing a problem? I mean, besides the hundreds of bottles? Probably. No, but, like. Cause people. Some collections are impressive, but a bourbon collection is really kind of concerning. Right? It's like, what is going on here? My wife's thrilled, though.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm getting. I'm getting, like, fresh mown hay on top of this.

[Audience]

But, you know, for me, it's like the viscosity of a higher proof. That's what I like. And again, these are.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's the legs you get on the bottom.

[Audience]

This is the only way I've been exposed to vocabulary is drinking bourbon. But I.

[Stephen Colbert]

The more you drink, the better your vocabulary gets.

[Kristen Welker]

Here's.

[Audience]

Here's one of the things that this bourbon journey has really exposed me to is that I find liquor stores fascinating. Think about it. Liquor stores always have super creative names, like Discount Liquors, Bob's Bargain Emporium. Like, you'd never eat in a restaurant named Discount Beef, but liquor stores know they don't have to try. We're coming. You know, they could name a liquor store Loser Depot, and people were like, we gotta go in there anyway. You know, maybe that's a French name. Le Sser Dupo.

[Stephen Colbert]

I lived across the street from a liquor store in Chicago for many years called Non Better, Not None Better. Non Better. N O, N Better. Non Better Liquors. And they had a line out the door.

[Audience]

Yeah. And most businesses are welcoming and encouraging, but, like, in liquor stores, they kind of treat you like you're trouble, you know?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Audience]

There's no chairs in a liquor store. Believe me, I've looked for them, and, you know, there's just nothing that appealing about it. But I love the silence that you encounter in a liquor store. Everyone walks around all serious, like they're in an art gallery. Maybe this will make the pain go away, but I love the liquor store.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let's get back to comedy, just briefly. Sure. For the snippet of your attention. That's still on comedy. Jim, you got a new album coming out of your special the Skinny.

[Audience]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jim Gaffigan, the Skinny. Who did these drawings of your face?

[Audience]

This is, you know, this is a very rare opportunity where my children have ruined something I cherish. And so I intentionally did this. I had this picture that I liked, and my three youngest. I said, you guys can do anything you want to this. And they. This is. You know. Otherwise, if I asked them to clean their room, they'd never do it, but they were happy to kind of, you know, mess up this picture. And so those changed to the big Stinky. Yeah, the stinky. Every insult, you know, they could. And then on the back, they draw a picture. They always draw me as fat anyway, even if I lost weight.

[Stephen Colbert]

Written by a stupid butt face.

[Audience]

Yes. Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

And. And because your wife rides with you and the most beautiful girl in the world.

[Audience]

There you go.

[Stephen Colbert]

Isn't that nice?

[Audience]

That is good.

[Stephen Colbert]

Somebody's sucking up to mom for Thursday.

[Audience]

Right there they know who's the power.

[Stephen Colbert]

So how are the kids? How many you got now?

[Audience]

We've still got five. Wow. Yeah. And it's like they're 12 to 20. It's like living in a psych ward. It really is. And I know that it's developmentally appropriate for them to challenge boundaries, but they're stealing my. And I can't, like, physical. Yeah. So they're, you know, like, I'll just be like, why is my son wearing my coat? You know, that's my coat. Why is my 15 year old daughter wearing my blue jeans? Where are all my socks? Why am I sticking this gun in my mouth? You know, it's just, it's taxing. It's why you need bourbon.

[Stephen Colbert]

His album the Skinny is available for pre order tomorrow. His bourbon, Father Time, is available now. Mr. Gaffigan, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show POD show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.