Jim Gaffigan's Colbert Questionert

Summary

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The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: Jim Gaffigan's Colbert Questionert
Date: April 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and humorous episode, Stephen Colbert puts comedian Jim Gaffigan in the hot seat with his signature "Colbert Questionnaire," a rapid-fire series of quirky and probing questions designed to reveal surprising truths and character quirks of his guests. The conversation maintains a playful tone, with Colbert’s wit matched by Gaffigan’s dry and self-deprecating humor. Beyond laughs, the duo touches on nostalgia, mortality, faith, family, and even deep-cut music recommendations—all filtered through Jim Gaffigan’s unique comedic perspective.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Art of Sandwiches (02:10)

• Best Sandwich?
  • Jim’s answer depends on his schedule:
    • "If you don’t have anything to do, then it’s a pastrami sandwich from Katz’s Deli.” (02:18 — Jim Gaffigan)
    • In Chicago: “Italian beef from Mr. Beef. Mr. Beef or Lumon Lattice, you know, I love them all.” (02:30 — Jim Gaffigan)
    • On toppings: “Hot and wet. Yeah, hot and wet. I mean, it’s messy.” (02:49 — Jim Gaffigan)
  • Colbert notes the inertia caused by a heavy sandwich: “No one’s ever, like, eaten a pastrami sandwich and done anything.” (02:57 — Jim Gaffigan)

2. First Concert: Trials and Mishaps (03:13)

• Jim’s First Concert: James Taylor at age 16.
  • Lost his license trying unsuccessfully to buy alcohol (03:16–04:53).
  • The kicker: His license was later returned by a James Taylor (no relation)—a twist ending Jim immediately downplays as uninteresting.
    • “There was a fantastic buildup with a twist ending that in no way paid off.” (04:31 — Stephen Colbert)
    • “I never said it was interesting…” (04:34 — Jim Gaffigan)

3. Scariest Animal (06:34)

• “A drunk New York Rangers fan.” (06:38 — Jim Gaffigan)
  • On running into them: “If you’re walking around Penn Station and they lost or won, neither one’s that good.” (06:48 — Jim Gaffigan)

4. Apples vs. Oranges Debate (07:02)

• Jim is adamant: “Obviously apples. Orange is way too much work and half the time not worth it. Apples all the way.” (07:05–07:07 — Jim Gaffigan)
• Both agree that apples triumph, especially as a vehicle for peanut butter.

5. Celebrity Autographs (07:18)

• As a child, Jim stood in line to get J.J. Walker’s autograph on a hat: “I stood in line...and he signed my cap. And it was amazing.” (07:30–07:55 — Jim Gaffigan)

6. Life After Death (08:01)

• Gaffigan offers a comedic dodge but gets more introspective:
  • “Thankfully, I’ll never have to find out…”
  • “We exist generally in absolute denial about our demise…” (08:13–08:42 — Jim Gaffigan)
  • Shares observations from his wife’s near-death experience and discusses Catholic guilt.

7. On Saints & Redemption (09:30)

• Jim admires that many saints had “scumbag” pasts:
  • “So many of them were just scumbags that ended up turning it around.” (09:37 — Jim Gaffigan)
• Colbert shares a fondness for St. Peter: “Denies Christ three times…and still gets the big job.” (10:11 — Stephen Colbert)

8. Action Movie Preferences (10:40)

• Jim jokingly names ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ as his favorite action movie (10:43).

9. Airplane Seats, Smells, Early Memories

• Window or Aisle?
  • “Window. And I do not feel any guilt when I get up and make that person feel bad to go to the bathroom.” (10:53 — Jim Gaffigan)
• Favorite Smell: “Bacon. It’s pretty perfect.” (11:07–11:14 — Jim Gaffigan)
• Least Favorite Smell:
  • “Some of the odors that come out of children, particularly teenage boys…unbelievable.” (12:39 — Jim Gaffigan)
• Earliest Memory:
  • “I was the youngest of six, and I remember there was a bunch of times where drinks were spilled on me when I was a little kid.” (13:09 — Jim Gaffigan)
  • Turns it into a metaphor for his life: “I remember drinks falling on me, which is really a metaphor for my life.” (13:51 — Jim Gaffigan)

10. Pets: Cats or Dogs? (13:52)

• “I love both, but dogs...oh, cats, dogs. Right.” (13:54 — Jim Gaffigan)
• Both default to dogs.

11. Music of a Lifetime (14:02)

• One Song for Life:
  • "Raglan Road," an Irish song about unrequited love, preferred for its sadness.
  • “My children hate that I love sad songs...” (14:11 — Jim Gaffigan)
  • Colbert recommends The Mountain Goats’ “Sax Rohmer #1” for more melancholy music (14:39).
• On Irish and Portuguese Love of Sad Songs:
  • Gaffigan describes “Fado,” the Portuguese tradition of sad song in restaurants—offering an unexpected cultural insight (15:34).

12. Five Words to Describe the Rest of Life (16:56)

• “Nobody works harder than Gaffigan.” (16:56 — Jim Gaffigan)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On sandwich consequences:
  • “No one’s ever, like, eaten a pastrami sandwich and done anything.” (02:57 — Jim Gaffigan)
• On teenage boys’ smells:
  • “Not only does it smell bad, they think it’s funny. That’s the problem.” (12:54 — Jim Gaffigan)
• On being young in a big family:
  • “I remember drinks falling on me, which is really a metaphor for my life.” (13:51 — Jim Gaffigan)
• On faith and guilt:
  • “I live with a lot of guilt. And I know that’s not necessarily the intellectual Catholic approach, but that’s where I am.” (09:11 — Jim Gaffigan)
• On the Irish and sadness:
  • “I love how sad the Irish get. It’s wonderful. How much they enjoy the sadness.” (16:33–16:39 — Stephen Colbert)
• Five words for the future:
  • “Nobody works harder than Gaffigan.” (16:56 — Jim Gaffigan)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Favorite Sandwiches & Eating Habits: 02:10–03:13
• First Concert & License Story: 03:13–04:55
• Scariest Animal: 06:34–06:59
• Apples vs. Oranges: 07:02–07:07
• Autograph Memory: 07:18–07:55
• What Happens When We Die: 08:01–09:09
• On Saints and Redemption: 09:30–10:31
• Airplane Seats & Smells: 10:40–12:39
• Earliest Memory: 13:09–13:51
• Cats or Dogs: 13:52–13:58
• One Song for Life – Sad Music: 14:02–16:33
• Five-Word Life Philosophy: 16:56–17:02

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This episode of the Colbert Questionert showcases Jim Gaffigan’s quick wit and reflective side. Through seemingly simple questions, both hosts reveal layers of personality, thoughtful introspection, and plenty of laughs—serving up a well-balanced mix of humor and humanity.

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Transcript

[Stephen Colbert]

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[Jim Gaffigan]

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[Jim Gaffigan]

It's the Late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Colbert]

Everybody is excited to see Tim Gaffing and as we always are here at the Late Show. And Jim, thank you so much for being here and bringing back more of your bourbon. By the way, the Father Time. Shall we? Test of the.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

There you go. Let's sell some bottles. A little liquid courage. So, you know, I love having a little cocktail with you and talking to you when we're on the show, but the problem is, is that even though you and I have been able to spend some time not on show, like talking off camera, it's just never enough to learn about Jim Gaffigan.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

There's always so many. There's so much more to plum about you. You're a bottomless pit of interest.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, boy. And

[Stephen Colbert]

I think that's a compliment.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Don't oversell it.

[Stephen Colbert]

I think it's a compliment.

[Jim Gaffigan]

A bottomless head of entrance.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes. Age cannot wither nor custom stale your infinite variety, Jim. And so what I like to do for special guests like you is that I like to ask them a series of questions we call the Colbert questionnaire. And the questionnaire. And you know how St. Paul says, then I shall know as surely as I am known. This, what it allows, allows the world to know you, Jim. And the question is, are you prepared to be known?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I am prepared.

[Stephen Colbert]

Question one.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

As always.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jim Gaffigan.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

What is the best sandwich?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Ooh. Yeah. I didn't know it was gonna be hard questions.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Some of this has to do with what you have to do after said sandwich. If you don't have anything to do, then it's a pastrami sandwich from Katz's Deli.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Definitely. If you don't have anything to do. And you're in Chicago. I'm going to go Italian beef from Mr. Beef. Mr. Beef or Lumon Lattice? You know, I love them all.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm a Beef fan. Do you do your beef? Wet peppers, hot peppers, sweet peppers, hot peppers, hot peppers. Wet, huh? Hot and wet.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Hot and wet. Yeah, hot and wet. I mean, it's messy. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, sure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

If you don't. If you do have something to do, what are these sandwiches gonna do to you?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Well, the thing is, is no one's ever, like, eaten a pastrami sandwich and done anything. You know what I mean? No one's been like, all right, I did that. Time to head back to be productive at work. You know, you have a pastrami sandwich and then you're like, goodbye. Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

What was your first concert you attended?

[Jim Gaffigan]

My first concert was James Taylor. I was 16. I had gotten my license that day. And my brothers and sisters, I'm the youngest of six, they took me with them. They were all drinking, and I thought, hey, I'll drink, too. And so I went up to the bar. It was at Alpine Valley or whatever. And I said, doppler Creek. And I. They're like, do you have an ID? I'm 16 and one month, which had to be in Indiana. And I showed them my id, and the guy looked at my ID and he took it. And I said, can I have that back? He goes, no. And so then I got back from the concert the next day. My dad hadn't seen my license. He's like, I want to see your license. And I'm like, just one minute. I lost it. And so then we went and got another license. And eventually my license was mailed to me by the, you know, the organization that. It was Alpine Valley or whatever. And the head of the department that sent it, his name was also James Taylor. What? I never said it was interesting. I just thought that it was.

[Stephen Colbert]

I was about to say there was a fantastic buildup with a twist ending that in no way paid off.

[Jim Gaffigan]

There was no. There was.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wait a second. But I don't. I don't understand. Yeah, I don't understand. Was the license. Did you fake it? Did you, like, make it 18?

[Jim Gaffigan]

No, I was 16. I thought you just had to show an ID and they'd be like, all right, fine.

[Stephen Colbert]

And did the letter say your son tried to buy liquor?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, shoot.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And my parents were, you know, they pretended to be, you know, disappointed. But at that time, you know, I think we were, you know, I was allowed to drink at home, you Know

[Stephen Colbert]

now it's all, what was the tour, by the way? What year are we talking?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, Well, I was 16. I don't know. I don't know what the tour was, I think.

[Stephen Colbert]

You don't know what year it was when you were 16? No, I don't. What year were you 16? Jim Gaffigan. Can I see some ID?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Wait a minute, no one knows. What year were you when you were 16?

[Stephen Colbert]

16. 1980.

[Jim Gaffigan]

1980. Sorry. So I was probably before. After that, I was.

[Stephen Colbert]

I was.

[Jim Gaffigan]

How old are you now?

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How old are you now?

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, you're weirdly smart. You know that, right? Like, you don't. Most humans don't have your knowledge. Like, the source of.

[Stephen Colbert]

What year I was 16. That's not exactly a trivia question.

[Jim Gaffigan]

People know the year they graduated high school, they don't know the year they're 16.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right. You know the year you graduated high school, then you take two years off. That's exactly how I did it. 82. 80, 16. That works out. I was born in 64.

[Jim Gaffigan]

All right, I'm dumb. Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

What year were you 16?

[Jim Gaffigan]

We've got one question. No.

[Stephen Colbert]

2. Sandwich. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sandwich.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

Because I went to the Just a terrestrial tour in 1982, so I was just wondering whether you went to that one.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I don't know.

[Stephen Colbert]

I mean, I'm gonna call James and say that you didn't care.

[Jim Gaffigan]

I did. I do care. Up on the roof.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have you met Mr. Taylor?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I don't think I have.

[Stephen Colbert]

Lovely fellow. Okay, what is the scariest animal?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Okay, I'm gonna say a drunk New York Rangers fan. Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have you run into one in the wild?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, yeah. No. If you're walking around Penn Station and you, you know, like, they lost or won, neither one's that good.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Those people are having a good time.

[Stephen Colbert]

Jim Gaffigan, apples or oranges?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Obviously apples.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Right. Orange is way too much work and half the time, not worth it. Right? Yeah. Apples all the way.

[Stephen Colbert]

Peanut butter on apple. Peanut butter and orange.

[Jim Gaffigan]

No, no, no.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I stood in line to get J.J.

[Stephen Colbert]

walker's Jimmy JJ Dynamite Kid Walker, and

[Jim Gaffigan]

he signed my dynamite hat.

[Stephen Colbert]

Was this at the James Taylor concert?

[Jim Gaffigan]

No, that was. I was much younger. I don't know what year it was, but it was. I think I was, like, eight. But he came. I mean, we still lived in Illinois at the time. And I stood in line for a good hour, and he signed my cap.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, that's lovely.

[Jim Gaffigan]

And it was amazing.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's fantastic. What happens. What do you think happens when we die?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Well, thankfully, I'll never have to find out, you know, which is. I don't.

[Stephen Colbert]

Pearly Gates. I keep going for that. The whole nine yards.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Sure. I don't know. I mean, yes, I guess. Yeah. You want to believe that. I mean, I think the more I'm going to dodge the question, I think the more interesting question is why are we like human beings, and I witnessed this when my wife was very close to death, is that we exist generally in absolute denial about our demise. Right. So, like the fact that when we've all lost someone, we've all been in touch with that fear and that panic and that kind of concern, but generally we're like, I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die. So I guess. I don't know, but it's probably bad. I'm just too Catholic. I'm gonna get in trouble. What's really. I think. I mean, I mean, I don't know. I just. I just. I live with a lot of guilt. And I know that's not necessarily the intellectual Catholic approach, but that's where I am.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why do you say it with that tone?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Because you're the smartest person I know.

[Stephen Colbert]

But I'm not necessarily an intellectual Catholic. My dad was sort of an intellectual Catholic. He like reading. This isn't about me. Let's move on.

[Jim Gaffigan]

No, but I'm envious of it. I'm envious. I have all these books about saints that I want to read, but, you know, that involves paying attention.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know, I'll throw a free ball in here. You got a favorite saint?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I mean, I just love the fact that so many of them were just scumbags that ended up turning it around.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Do you know what I mean? Like, that's what people don't realize. Like, we think of saint as these really holy people. But a lot of, you know, Paul was a dirtbag, you know, killing people left and right. Yeah. So, like, that's the whole. There's Particularly if you live in a pool of regret like I do. That's some hope there.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's the reason why I like St. Peter.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

And again, this isn't about me, but the reason I like St. Peter is that he was, you know, right hand man and then blows it.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

He denies Christ three times before the cockroach and still gets the big job. And why so the rocks between the ears. Pete.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah. You know, it seems almost intentional that he picked this guy. Right, Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

He picked someone who's fail at the job.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Infallibility. When Peter was obviously, you know, flawed. Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

We'll be right back.

[Stephen Colbert]

I think it's a misprint. I think it's inflatability.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Inflatability.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Favorite action movie.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh. Driving Miss Daisy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Probably quality kills when she takes a header. Yeah. Window or aisle?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Window. And I do not feel any guilt when I get up and make that person feel bad to go to the bathroom. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

They should have gotten the window seat.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yep. Favorite smell?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Um, I would probably say bacon. Bacon, Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. It's good.

[Jim Gaffigan]

It's pretty perfect.

[Stephen Colbert]

Good.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Right?

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you know there's a difference between, like, bacon that says, like, you know, uncured or cured? Like, it all tastes the same? What's an uncured versus a cured bacon?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I think it's. I mean, I think we're now in this day and age where we're having an awakening to all the poisons in our food, thanks to RFK Jr. So, I think that. I mean, maybe I'm a little bit more open to it. About.

[Stephen Colbert]

To the poisons?

[Jim Gaffigan]

No, to, like, getting some of those uncured things out. I think it's better for you if it's uncured, right?

[Stephen Colbert]

If it's uncured. So it's uncured means, like, it's unvaccinated. Cause they didn't cure.

[Jim Gaffigan]

No, I think it's. No, I think that it's.

[Stephen Colbert]

This pig died of COVID Well, we

[Jim Gaffigan]

know that, like, what, Cured meat is really bad for you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right? Just salt. Right. Isn't that just true?

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I don't know.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, I tell diarrhea jokes for a living. I mean. But no, there is something about. I just think the most interesting fact about bacon.

[Stephen Colbert]

What is the most. Hold on, ladies and gentlemen, hold. What is the most interesting fact about bacon?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Jim? Every union soldier was given a ration of bacon. I think. That's what happens when you don't read and you just get informed by Instagram reels, you know,

[Stephen Colbert]

Least favorite smell.

[Jim Gaffigan]

You know, I love my teenagers, but, like, some of the odors that come out of children, particularly teenage boys. Yeah. Is unbelievable.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Little gamey.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Unbelievable. And they just. Not only does it smell bad, they think it's funny. That's the problem.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's funny, though, is the problem. That is funny. Earliest memory.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Gosh. You know, I was one of these kids. There was. I was the youngest of six, and I remember there was a bunch of times where drinks were spilled on me when I was a little kid.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wait a second. I mean, like, milk. Unintentionally like a Harvey Wallbanger.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Tray of Cokes, a tray of milk. You know, it just happened three or four times, but I would be like four or five, and there'd be like this. You know, maybe one of my brothers had hit the waiter and these drinks would fall on me. So that's what I really remember. I remember drinks falling on me, which is really a metaphor for my life. Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Cats or dogs?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I love both, but dogs. Oh, cats, dogs. Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. You don't have to listen to it constantly, but when you go to listen to music, this is the only song you get. What is it?

[Jim Gaffigan]

I am going to. My children hate that. I love sad songs. I love. And there's this song, this. It's based on an Irish poem called Raglan Road. It's essentially about unrequited love. And so. But I love it. I love sad songs. So. And I can listen to that. And when we drive back and forth from Westchester, I play it. And they really despise it. So that's.

[Stephen Colbert]

If you like really sad songs. Have you ever listened to any Mountain Goats?

[Jim Gaffigan]

No. Oh, oh.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sax Rohmer, Number one. There's a line that goes. And a rabbit gives up somewhere and a dozen hawks to send.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

Every moment leads toward its own sad end.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Well, you know about the Portuguese that. Like the Portuguese.

[Stephen Colbert]

I know very little about the Portuguese. Well, the Portuguese, other than all the octopuses.

[Jim Gaffigan]

The Portuguese have their. I wish a sonata, or I can't remember the term, but, like, the sad song is such a cultural important event in Portuguese culture that there will be. There are restaurants you will go to, and people will come in and sing these sad songs. Because the Portuguese were such explorers. So, like, everyone would lose their wife or their husband. They'd go on a boat trip and they'd disappear. So it was. But it's a big tradition of sad songs. And I wish I knew the name. The name of the thing. Do you know what I'm talking about? Fado, fado, fado. Amazing stuff.

[Stephen Colbert]

What is the song?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh, my song. Raglan Road.

[Stephen Colbert]

Raglan Road. Okay.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yes. And it's a poem by Patrick Kavanaugh.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you know it?

[Jim Gaffigan]

Well? Yeah, but would you mind giving this a taste? You know, I mean, on rag. No, I can't do that. I'm not. I appreciate it, you know, See, let me explain something. There are some comedians that want to be musicians. I'm not one of them.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, but can you.

[Jim Gaffigan]

On Raglan Road I saw her standing there and now I'm too nervous to even think of the words. But it is. It is. I mean, go to your Spotify and check it out, and if you spend time in Ireland, they might play it in a pub. It's a pretty popular place.

[Stephen Colbert]

I love how sad the Irish get. It's wonderful.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

How much they enjoy the sadness.

[Jim Gaffigan]

They do.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Yeah. What number am I thinking of?

[Jim Gaffigan]

5. No. You always say no.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, it's no, you're wrong. You're wrong. Okay.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Oh. Cause you're not. It's usually people think it's 1 to 10, but it's no.

[Stephen Colbert]

No. I am thinking of a number. Describe the rest of your life in five words.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Nobody works harder than Gaffigan.

[Stephen Colbert]

Congratulations, Jim.

[Jim Gaffigan]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

You're known. I'm known. Thank you for listening to the Late Show POD show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

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