Kid Questions | 'What Is Taxes?'

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: Kid Questions | 'What Is Taxes?'
Release Date: March 24, 2025
Host: CBS
Duration: Approximately 6 minutes of content

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Introduction to the Kid Questions Segment

In this engaging episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert, Stephen introduces a special segment dedicated to answering questions from children. Emphasizing the curiosity of kids, Stephen humorously navigates through the challenges of parenting while addressing the inquisitive minds of young listeners.

Stephen Colbert begins the segment with his characteristic wit:

"Kids, science still doesn't know why they look like the guy who fixed your furnace. But one thing's for sure, kids ask a lot of questions."
(01:01)

He candidly shares the process of naming the segment, eventually settling on the playful title:

"So it's time for Stephen Colbert Hates All Children. Oh, come on. You know that's not what I meant, right? Hi, kids. I love you."
(01:22)

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Question and Answer Sessions

1. Fear of Cicadas

Question: "Are you afraid of cicadas, McKinley?"
Child: McKinley
Timestamp: (01:59)

Stephen Colbert responds with humor, linking cicadas to an aversion of recurring phenomena:

"I'm afraid of anything that comes back every 17 years. That includes cicadas and low rise jeans."
(02:02)

2. Purple Giraffe Tongues

Question: "Why are giraffe tongues purple?"
Child: Sahasra
Timestamp: (02:13)

Stephen Colbert offers a whimsical explanation involving mythical popsicle trees:

"Giraffes have purple tongues because they're always eating great popsicles, which we all know grow at the very top of popsicle trees. That's why their necks are so long."
(02:17)

3. The Perils of Getting Sucked In

Question: "What if it gets sucked in? Sucking like tobacco or fixin'."
Child: Brody
Timestamp: (02:32)

Stephen Colbert contrasts the dangers of black holes with quicksand in a humorous analogy:

"Getting sucked into a black hole is way, way worse. You see, if I were sucked into a black hole, the gravitational force would compress me while at the same time stretching me in all directions. A process scientists actually call spaghettification. On the other hand, if I were to get stuck in quicksand, there's still a chance I could be rescued using a rope someone throws me. Or a nice long vine. Or even a spaghettified version of myself. Yum."
(02:40)

4. Understanding Taxes

Question: "What is taxes?"
Children: Felix and Dexter
Timestamp: (03:17)

Initially, Stephen Colbert admits his confusion over taxes:

"Taxes are really complicated. I don't always understand them. So let me do what I do when it comes to any question about my taxes. Kick it over to my accountant, Janet."
(03:22)

Janet Yellen clarifies her role and provides a straightforward definition:

"Taxes are mandatory contributions levied on individuals or corporations by the government. Hope that helps."
(03:35)

Later, Stephen humorously inquires about personal deductions:

"Can I deduct the cost of my haircut?"
(03:58)

Janet Yellen responds with a playful dismissal:

"Not that haircut."
(04:05)

5. How Light Bulbs Work

Question: "How do light bulbs work?"
Child: Olivia
Timestamp: (04:10)

Stephen Colbert attempts a live demonstration, resulting in comedic mishaps:

"I'm gonna take this bulb and I'm gonna screw it into that lamp. And we will see what happens when the electrodes make contact."
(04:13)

After struggling with the lamp setup, Stephen involves more kids to assist:

"Tell you what, Lewis, could you come in and turn the lamp in the opposite direction that I am screwing, please?"
(04:17)

The segment continues with humorous attempts to properly install the bulb:

"And that is it. And that is. Are you doing righty tighty or. John, would you please come in here and turn me in the opposite direction that Lewis is turning the lamp, please? Thank you very much. That is good."
(04:21 - 04:51)

Stephen concludes the experiment without success:

"Olivia, we will get back to you as soon as we have any results on this one."
(04:51)

6. Bats and Airline Fees

Question: "Why do bats have wings?"
Child: Not specified
Timestamp: (05:22)

Stephen Colbert delivers a clever punchline connecting bats to modern travel inconveniences:

"They have wings so they can avoid all the hidden airline fees. 50 bucks for a carry on bag. Now that's baddie."
(05:24)

7. Making Friends Without Talking to Strangers

Question: "How are we supposed to make friends when we can't talk to strangers?"
Child: Lake
Timestamp: (05:35)

Stephen Colbert offers a philosophical yet humorous take on the nature of friendships:

"Remember that everyone is ultimately a stranger. In fact, even our best friends, even our family can never be fully known to us. In many ways, we are even strangers to ourselves. So perhaps the only way to make friends is to acknowledge that we are solitary soldiers locked in an unwinnable war with our own psyches, a war that inevitably ends in death."
(05:40)

He lightens the mood by suggesting a practical solution:

"Or, you know, go to one of those studios where you get to make your own pottery. That seems like a good place to meet people."
(05:45)

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Conclusion of the Segment

Stephen Colbert wraps up the Kid Questions segment with a heartfelt message to both children and parents:

"Well kids, I hope that answers all your questions. And parents, if your kids have questions at home, please post a video to social media with the hashtag Colbert KidQuestions or submit a video to the link below and we just might feature it in our next installment of Stephen Colbert Hates All Children."
(05:50)

He encourages listeners to engage further by visiting The Late Show’s YouTube channel for more content:

"Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives."
(06:00)

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Key Takeaways

• Humorous Engagement: Stephen Colbert adeptly balances humor with informative responses, making complex topics like taxes accessible and entertaining for a young audience.

• Interactive Format: The inclusion of Janet Yellen as a conduit for questions adds a dynamic layer to the interaction, enhancing the segment's appeal.

• Creative Explanations: From purple giraffe tongues to the functionality of light bulbs, Stephen employs imaginative storytelling to engage and amuse listeners.

• Philosophical Insights: Delving into deeper questions about friendships, the segment showcases Stephen's ability to blend humor with meaningful reflections.

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Notable Quotes

• On Taxes:

  "Taxes are mandatory contributions levied on individuals or corporations by the government."
  — Janet Yellen (03:35)

• On Making Friends:

  "We are solitary soldiers locked in an unwinnable war with our own psyches, a war that inevitably ends in death."
  — Stephen Colbert (05:40)

• On Bats Avoiding Airline Fees:

  "They have wings so they can avoid all the hidden airline fees. 50 bucks for a carry on bag. Now that's baddie."
  — Stephen Colbert (05:24)

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This episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert masterfully combines humor, educational content, and interactive elements to create an entertaining and insightful experience for both children and their parents. Through the Kid Questions segment, Stephen not only addresses common curiosities but also fosters a sense of connection and understanding between the host and his young audience.

Transcript

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[Stephen Colbert]

The late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert. Kids, science still doesn't know why they look like the guy who fixed your furnace. But one thing's for sure, kids ask a lot of questions. That's why we here at the Late show devised a little segment where I give parents a much needed break by answering real questions from their real kids. And we've had some trouble naming the segment in the past. First, we called it Steven Takes yous Kids, which sounded bad. Then my team came up with a long list of other titles about children. And I said I hate them all, but I've been told we've got a new one tonight. So it's time for Stephen Colbert Hates All Children. Oh, come on. You know that's not what I meant, right? Hi, kids. I love you. I'm Stephen. Who's got a question for me?

[Janet Yellen]

Are you afraid of cicadas, McKinley?

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm afraid of anything that comes back every 17 years. That includes cicadas and low rise jeans. Who's got another question?

[Janet Yellen]

Why are giraffe tongues purple?

[Stephen Colbert]

Great question, Sahasra. Giraffes have purple tongues because they're always eating great popsicles, which we all know grow at the very top of popsicle trees. That's why their necks are so long. Next question.

[Janet Yellen]

What if it gets sucked in? Sucking like tobacco or fixin.

[Stephen Colbert]

Truly a question for the ages, Brody. Many have weighed in over time, but the true answer is undeniable. Getting sucked into a black hole is way, way worse. You see, if I were sucked into a black hole. Right now, the gravitational force would compress me while at the same time stretching me in all directions. A process scientists actually call spaghettification. On the other hand, if I were to get stuck in quicksand, there's still a chance I could be rescued using a rope someone throws me. Or a nice long vine. Or even a spaghettified version of myself. Yum. Next question.

[Janet Yellen]

Hey, Steven. Hey. What is taxes? Yeah, what? Exactly.

[Stephen Colbert]

Great question, Felix and Dexter. To be honest, taxes are really complicated. I don't always understand them. So let me do what I do when it comes to any question about my taxes. Kick it over to my accountant, Janet.

[Janet Yellen]

Thanks, Stephen, but I'm not an accountant. I served four years as the Secretary of the treasury, so please stop sending me your receipts. Well, Felix and Dexter, great question. Taxes are mandatory contributions levied on individuals or corporations by the government. Hope that helps.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thanks, Janet. While I gotcha, I have to look good for TV every day. Can I deduct the cost of my haircut?

[Janet Yellen]

Not that haircut.

[Stephen Colbert]

Next question.

[Janet Yellen]

Hey, Steven, how do light bulbs work?

[Stephen Colbert]

I love your question, Olivia. In fact, it makes me want to try a fun experiment. Let's find out together. I'm gonna take this bulb and I'm gonna screw it into that lamp. And we will see what happens when the electrodes make contact. And I am. I'm sorry, I think turned that the wrong way. Tell you what, Lewis, could you come in and turn the lamp in the opposite direction that I am screwing, please? Yeah, sure. There you go. And that is it. And that is. Are you doing righty tighty or. John, would you please come in here and turn me in the opposite direction that Lewis is turning the lamp, please? Thank you very much. That is good.

[Janet Yellen]

There you go.

[Stephen Colbert]

Those threads do not seem to be biting for some reason. Nega, would you please come in and turn Lewis in the opposite direction that John is turning me? Thank you very much. Okay. And I don't feel any torque at all. Tell me, Corey, would you please come in and stabilize the bottom of the lamp while we crank up to speed here on this turning? Thank you very much. Tell you what, Olivia, we will get back to you as soon as we have any results on this one. What's the next question?

[Janet Yellen]

Hi, Steven. Why do bats have wings?

[Stephen Colbert]

They have wings so they can avoid all the hidden airline fees. 50 bucks for a carry on bag. Now that's baddie. Who's got another question?

[Janet Yellen]

How are we supposed to make friends when we can't talk to strangers?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, Lake if it helps, remember that everyone is ultimately a stranger. In fact, even our best friends, even our family can never be fully known to us. In many ways, we are even strangers to ourselves. So perhaps the only way to make friends is to acknowledge that we are solitary soldiers locked in an unwinnable war with our own psyches, a war that inevitably ends in death. Or, you know, go to one of those studios where you get to make your own pottery. That seems like a good place to meet people. Well kids, I hope that answers all your questions. And parents, if your kids have questions at home, please post a video to social media with the hashtag Colbert KidQuestions or submit a video to the link below and we just might feature it in our next installment of Stephen Colbert Hates All Children. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

[Unknown Speaker]

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