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Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Welcome, welcome one and all in here out there, Mr. And Mrs. And all the ships at sea to the Late Show. I'm your host Stephen Colbert.
Trump Impersonator
Ladies and gentlemen.
Stephen Colbert
If tonight you are joining us through the medium of tv. Thank you for staying up late. We were preempted tonight because every network agreed to air Old Grandpa Ramble Pants Sundown jamboree. It was 9pm Right? 9pm Speech tonight from the Oval? Probably. We don't know. We talked about doing the show live tonight to cover the speech, but we decided not to because and just to give you a little peek behind the show biz curtain, we would had to have watched it and I don't want to do that no more. Trump announced tonight's speech out of nowhere yesterday afternoon, saying, my fellow Americans, I.
Trump Impersonator
Will be giving an address to the nation tomorrow night live from the White House at 9pm EST. I look forward to seeing you then. It has been a great year for our country and the best is yet to come.
Stephen Colbert
Okay, kind of a mixed signal to announce an emergency national address because everything's going great. It's like your mom calling and saying, hey, honey, I know you've got work, but is there any way you could fly down here tomorrow because your dad is doing great. It's a big deal. It's a really big deal for networks to just hand over their primetime slots on such short notice. Especially because here at CBS, his 9pm speech cuts right into the middle of the three hour Survivor season finale. Wait, unless. That's the final challenge. Survivors, you've endured starvation, extreme heat and poisonous snakes. But for your final challenge, you must listen to a bitter old man talk about a ballroom. And again, we're taping this hours before the speech. So I don't know what he talked about. That's a cup of brain poison future Steven has to drink. But in the lead up to the speech, Caroline Levitt said he was going to discuss his accomplishments since taking office in January. Where to begin? Well, to save everyone time, we made a video montage of his finest moments.
Trump Voice Actor
I said, well, let's see how we say that. Acetam min, the fat shot drug. Deadhead fed, fed hair. I got an mri. It was perfect, Perfect, perfect.
Stephen Colbert
Trump's going to have a tough time convincing Americans that everything is just Jim cracky. His approval numbers are down in the toity. And yesterday we got a horrible jobs report that revealed the unemployment rate in November rose to 4.6%, the highest level since September of 2021. The last time job numbers were this bad. Panera had just introduced their grilled Mac and cheese sandwich. It was bread stuffed with macaroni and cheese. Of course, nobody could work after eating that. They could barely breathe. Fun fact, 2021 was also the year Cracker Barrel introduced their cinnamon roll pie. Overall, 2021 was a banner year for shoving carbs in other crusts of carb. Yesterday. Tonight. Tonight is Wednesday. Wednesday. It's exactly halfway through Hanukkah, which is why we call this Wednesday Hump Day. Last night, Donald Trump held a celebration of Hanukkah in the White House, and he saw fit to give the crowd, a little holiday primer.
Trump Voice Actor
They wanted that light to burn just for one night. Yet as the story goes, that small flame endured for eight days. Do you know that story? Does everybody know that story?
Stephen Colbert
The story about how something that should have never lasted that long ended up going on forever? Yeah, we're living that one. But also, Let me ask you this, do you know that story? Because they didn't want it to burn for only one night. They thought it could burn only one night. If you want a flame to go out quickly and it burns for a lot longer, that's not a miracle, that's a grease fire. Also, the crowd there is to celebrate the holiday. Pretty sure you don't need to tell them what it's about. What did he tell the folks at the Christmas party?
Trump Impersonator
So check it out, y'. All, Check it out. You know, Jesus, big guy, Mr. Sandals with a nightgown, and the endless fish. Turns out they do a little baby one now. Okay, this time of year. I didn't know this. They do a little baby. They do a little baby one. Just like they did with Yoda. They got a little.
Stephen Colbert
And because air was passing through Trump's windpipe, he brought up his stupid ballroom. The one that's going to cost. I'm sorry, how much does it cost again?
Trump Voice Actor
200 million, right?
Stephen Colbert
$200 million.
Trump Voice Actor
250 million.
Stephen Colbert
Sorry. I'm sorry. $250 million.
Trump Voice Actor
$300 million.
Stephen Colbert
Okay, that's more. But 300 million it is. Which he confirmed last night.
Trump Voice Actor
A $400 million ballroom.
Stephen Colbert
$400 million. Up from $200 million. How much is this price going to go up?
Trump Voice Actor
100%. 400%. 600%. 1,000%.
Stephen Colbert
But at least all that money is going towards something important. Thick windows.
Trump Voice Actor
It'll be the most beautiful ballroom. It's got five inch thick glass windows. It impenetrable by anything but a howitzer.
Stephen Colbert
Well, don't tell them that, you dummy. Don't tell them what to do.
Trump Impersonator
These windows, 5 inch. 5 inches. 5 inches. Impenetrable. Except anything except a but. A howitzer. But even if you have a howitzer, they'll never find me down in my panic bunker. The key to which is hidden in a very real looking fake rock labeled real rock.
Stephen Colbert
Finally, after what felt like eight nights, he wrapped up his speech in the smoothest way possible.
Trump Voice Actor
You know what? You're going to have the greatest ballroom anywhere in the world. And you're going to love it. It's going to fit beautifully with the White House. Happy Hanukkah.
Stephen Colbert
Wow.
Trump Impersonator
That ending was really a happy Hanukkah.
Stephen Colbert
One thing. One thing Trump may have brought up in his speech tonight, I don't know, but he might have brought this up, is that yesterday he ordered a blockade of oil tankers into Venezuela. Now, Trump claims our military presence off the coast of Venezuela is about drugs. But his chief of staff, Susie Wiles, appeared to confirm that the campaign is part of a push to oust Maduro. Perfect. Because if there's one thing I know, when the US Tries regime change, there's always a happy ending. I mean, to announce what sure sounds like a war, Trump posted one of his classic unhinged rants, which read in.
Trump Impersonator
Part, venezuela is completely surrounded by the largest armada ever assembled in the history of South America.
Stephen Colbert
Now, I'm no geographer, but I looked at a map, and there's only water on one side of Venezuela. How do you surround it with a navy? That's like a cop saying, surrender. We got you completely surrounded. Except for the side doors and the back doors.
Trump Impersonator
Where are they? Damn it.
Stephen Colbert
They left through one of those other doors. I told you to put a boat back there. New York City Mayor Eric Adams. Really? No.
Trump Impersonator
No way.
Stephen Colbert
Primarily an actor. How you guys doing? You holding up all right? New York City Mayor Eric Adams last day in office will be December 31st. But fear not. Look how fearful they are. But fear not. Adams is not leaving without doing one more wacky. Because yesterday he buried a time capsule at City hall to celebrate himself and his four years in office, which is set to be dug up in just 10 years. 10 years. 10 years is not a time capsule. 10 years is a storage unit. Is it still open? Can I throw my albums in there? So anyway, they put a bunch of stuff in the time capsule, and none of it is what I will remember the mayor for. What I will remember Mayor Adams for is for this answer to a very simple question.
Kumail Nanjiani
When you look at the totality of.
Stephen Colbert
The year, if you had to describe it, and it's up to do in one word, what would that word be? And tell me why New York?
New York City Mayor Eric Adams
This is a place where every day you wake up, you could experience everything from a plane crashing into our trade center to a person who's celebrating a new business that's open.
Stephen Colbert
Well, it's like the bumper stickers say, never forget that a new hair salon opened in soho. Adams also. He also took. Took some time in his press conference to address his critics.
New York City Mayor Eric Adams
The overwhelming number of us saw what we were doing and we were willing to accomplish. There will always Be haters. And our haters will be our waiters.
Stephen Colbert
Yes, our haters will be our waiters. Our detractors will be our failed actors. Our enemies will be our maitre d's, and our hate watchers will be our weight watchers. We got a great show for you tonight coming up.
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
Kumail Nanjiani.
Stephen Colbert
Ladies and gentlemen. My first guest today is a comedian and an actor, you know, from Silicon Valley. The big, sick and only murders in the building. His new stand up special is Night Thoughts.
Kumail Nanjiani
So now this guy gives us these five pills and he's like, just give them to your cat every day. And I'm like, how do you suggest I do that? You know how cats are famously compliant and do whatever you ask them to do? And he goes, just put it in her food. She'll eat it. Which, of course, that doesn't work. Like, imagine you're at a restaurant and in your spaghetti, there's like five Tylenols. You'd be like, this restaurant. I'm leaving. Well, my back doesn't hurt anymore.
Stephen Colbert
Please welcome back to the Late Show. Kumail Nanjani. Nice to see you again.
Kumail Nanjiani
So good to be here. Thank you for having me.
Stephen Colbert
Last time I saw you was backstage at Kimmel's show. Yeah. When we were both on Kimmel on one of the nights that he was over in Brooklyn in the fall.
Kumail Nanjiani
Right. Yeah, it was right after he had come back from being banned or whatever.
Stephen Colbert
That was, and I hadn't.
Kumail Nanjiani
Yeah, whatever that was in the air that night, I didn't want to catch it.
Stephen Colbert
Exactly.
Kumail Nanjiani
I was like, I hope it's not contagious. Whatever you guys got, it was lovely.
Stephen Colbert
To see you there. How often do you get back to the East Coast? What do you enjoy to do when you're here?
Kumail Nanjiani
Well, I mean, you know, I used to live here. My family lives in Jersey. My brother, give it up for Jersey. Three people.
Wonderful Pistachios Advertiser
Yeah, we only allow three.
Kumail Nanjiani
Three are very excited.
Stephen Colbert
Yes.
Kumail Nanjiani
My brother actually just got married this weekend in Jersey.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, that's wonderful.
Kumail Nanjiani
So that's. That's what we did. Yeah. Younger brother, Older brother, Younger brother, yes.
Stephen Colbert
Okay, so you had advice about marriage and all that kind of thing?
Kumail Nanjiani
Not really. My biggest advice on marriage is don't get divorced. That's been working for me for 18 years.
Stephen Colbert
Oh, congratulations.
Kumail Nanjiani
And that's what I told them. Yeah.
Trump Voice Actor
Thank you.
Kumail Nanjiani
But, you know, Pakistani family, very loud. Like, we'll have conversations across the room, like full conversations. We don't walk to each other. And people are having this conversation. We're having this conversation. And then, you know, no restaurant is less than an hour away. Everyone's getting in, like, five cars, driving to a restaurant. Go to the restaurant. You know, my dad's like, I'm ordering for everybody. You don't get to order. He orders enough for 14 families. And then he doesn't eat. He just walks around looking at everybody's plate. And if it sees like an open spot, he just, like, tosses naan on there like a ninja star force feeding us like foie gras ducks.
Stephen Colbert
That's nice.
Kumail Nanjiani
And then at the end, you know, very aggressive, divvying up of the leftovers. He's like, you're taking home three boxes of kebabs. Like, dad. Like a referee giving penalties. You know, like, dad, I can't take three boxes. He's like, well, now it's four boxes of kebabs and a box of dry white rice. Like, dude, dad, I have a flight. Like, you know, people are putting their laptops on the security thing. I've got, like, just skewers of Pakistani barbecue making the people around me even more racist than they already are. Because nobody's at zero, right? Everybody's.
Masterclass Advertiser
Sure.
Kumail Nanjiani
Little bit. Everyone's got a preference.
Stephen Colbert
Sure, of course.
Kumail Nanjiani
Yeah. What's your favorite one?
Stephen Colbert
I like brunettes. Okay. So you're safe.
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
Oh, yeah.
Kumail Nanjiani
Okay, great.
Trump Impersonator
I find you very attractive.
Kumail Nanjiani
I like it. Thank you so much.
Stephen Colbert
You just. You did something I'm mildly jealous of. You just had your star turn on Broadway. You're Mary Todd Lincoln's husband, as the character is described in O Mary here on Broadway with Jinkx Monsoon. Very sometimes called Abe.
Wonderful Pistachios Advertiser
Yes.
Kumail Nanjiani
Yeah, I guess. Very obscure American historical figure.
Stephen Colbert
Yes.
Kumail Nanjiani
Every. Every little kid in Pakistan dreamed of playing Abe Lincoln someday. And I got to.
Stephen Colbert
I'm just curious, growing up in Pakistan, what do you learn about Abe Lincoln?
Kumail Nanjiani
Anything that he didn't get to finish the play.
Stephen Colbert
And that's the sad part. I suppose.
Kumail Nanjiani
That's kinda all I knew, but my parents came to see it. Have you seen Old memory? I have, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Masterclass Advertiser
It's a.
Kumail Nanjiani
Hilarious.
Stephen Colbert
It's fantastic.
Kumail Nanjiani
Very filthy show.
Stephen Colbert
Very, very dirty.
Kumail Nanjiani
And so there's a part where my character gets simulated oral sex from a man. And I was very nervous from, you know, I had not as a little Pakistani kid. I wasn't like, someday I want my mom to see this. And so Emily had prepped them, had been like, this is the approved sentence. And so after the show, when they came backstage, I was like, what'd you think? And they were like, it's a great show. We're very proud of you. And they all just said that over and over, like pod people. So I have no idea if they like the show or not.
Stephen Colbert
Sure, I'm great with that, though. Please, if you're gonna come backstage, just say it's a great show. You were wonderful.
Kumail Nanjiani
So proud of you. I thought that is. It took me a while to get my parent. Cause, you know, I asked them, like, what'd you think of the movie? And they'd give me a real critique. I'm like, no, no, no, I don't want that. Just tell me you thought it was great. And so they finally learned. Just say the sentence that's been written out for you.
Stephen Colbert
We have to take a quick break. We'll be right back with more Kumail Nanjani, everybody. St. Hey, everybody. We're back with Kumail Nanjiani. You've got a new stand up special, as I said, called Night Thoughts. It's not even out yet. I don't know how this is possible. It's not. No one has seen it and it's nominated for a Golden Globe.
Kumail Nanjiani
Yeah, that's.
Stephen Colbert
How is that. How is that possible?
Kumail Nanjiani
I'm afraid they'll take back the nomination once they watch it, Stephen.
Stephen Colbert
So, night thoughts.
Kumail Nanjiani
Yes, sir.
Stephen Colbert
Define a night thought.
Kumail Nanjiani
Night thought. I don't know how many people get this. You know when you're laying in bed in the middle of the night and you can't sleep and your brain's like, here's something new for you to worry about. Night thoughts are like day thoughts, except they hate you, you know? Do you get night thoughts?
Stephen Colbert
No, I have edibles.
Kumail Nanjiani
Really?
Stephen Colbert
It's legal.
Kumail Nanjiani
No, I know it's legal, but that's. That works for you?
Stephen Colbert
Oh, yeah.
Kumail Nanjiani
Really?
Wonderful Pistachios Advertiser
100%.
Stephen Colbert
Yeah.
Kumail Nanjiani
I should try those. No, I'm just compiling new night thoughts all the time. I actually write them down when I get a new one.
Trump Voice Actor
Yeah.
Kumail Nanjiani
You want me to read you my. These are my newest ones.
Stephen Colbert
I beg you to.
Kumail Nanjiani
I've written these out.
Stephen Colbert
Do you keep your phone handy and type it out?
Kumail Nanjiani
Yeah, yeah, I type it out. I want to stress these are all completely real. I swear they're not made up. This is an. I thought I had recently. This first one is just all one thought. I wonder if I locked the door if someone broke in where would I hide while they go through my stuff? You know what I should do? I should put everything I have that's valuable in a sack and leave it by the door and put a sign on it. That says the good stuff. That way I won't have to hide for too long. Maybe I should get a gun. Would my video gaming experience help me with having to shoot an actual intruder? Would I shoot him in the leg, or should I just shoot him anywhere and deal with the psychological fallout later? Fallout. I wonder if I will be in a nuclear attack in my lifetime. That is 100% a real night thought. Here's another one I had recently.
Stephen Colbert
Please don't stop.
Kumail Nanjiani
Here's another one that kept me up. Do bears poop and pee themselves the entire time they're hibernating, or do they wake up to go to the bathroom?
Stephen Colbert
I don't know.
Kumail Nanjiani
Well, I looked it up that night.
Stephen Colbert
Did you look it up or later?
Kumail Nanjiani
I looked it up the next day. Okay, I got two words for you, Stephen.
Stephen Colbert
What?
Kumail Nanjiani
Fecal plug. Bears. I'm sorry, I don't know if this is gonna be on the show. They have a.
Stephen Colbert
We'll find out.
Kumail Nanjiani
A fecal plug. It's a hardened mass of feces, dead intestinal cells, hair, and bedding that blocks their colon.
Trump Voice Actor
Bedding?
Stephen Colbert
Bedding. They put bedding they got on my pillow up there.
Trump Voice Actor
Oh, my God. Wouldn't it be great, though?
Kumail Nanjiani
Just like.
Stephen Colbert
I don't know how much of that'll.
Wonderful Pistachios Advertiser
Make it to air.
Kumail Nanjiani
It would be great to just shovel my pillow up there and be like, I'll see you in June.
Stephen Colbert
The special was shot at the Vick Theater.
Kumail Nanjiani
Yes, sir.
Stephen Colbert
In Chicago. I was in Chicago for 20 years. I know the Vic.
Kumail Nanjiani
Yeah, Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
I love it there.
Kumail Nanjiani
This is true. I moved to Chicago because, you know, I looked at the comedians who'd come from Chicago, and you were on the list. And that's why I chose to move to Chicago.
Stephen Colbert
That is a wonderful, wonderful lie.
Kumail Nanjiani
Thank you so much. No, it's not a lie. It is not a lie. And I wanted to shoot it again in Chicago because that's where I started. Stand up. That's where my wife and I met, you know.
Masterclass Advertiser
Yeah.
Kumail Nanjiani
That's nice.
Stephen Colbert
Is she Chicagoan?
Kumail Nanjiani
No, she's from North Carolina. But we met in Chicago. Yeah, more North Carolina than New Jersey in New York. And it was a wonderful weekend. We got there, and Emily was like, I didn't know this. Right before the taping, she's like, you know, today's my comaversary, she calls it. So my wife, when we first started dating, she got really sick, and she was in a coma for eight days. And I hadn't realized that it was her comaversary. So the Day that I recorded it was the day she came out of her coma. So it was very emotional. Very emotional recording. Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
You include in the standup special discoveries you made in therapy. Is that difficult for you to share that kind of stuff?
Kumail Nanjiani
No, I wanted to share it for so many years. I thought I was just happy all the time. And then every now and then, I'd get very angry out of nowhere. And it turns out I did have sadness and fear that I was not admitting to myself. And I think.
Stephen Colbert
So a comedian with hidden sadness and fear, what is that like?
Kumail Nanjiani
I know I'm curious of a clown. I'm breaking the rules.
Stephen Colbert
Yes.
Kumail Nanjiani
So I just thought, you know, it was my journey and I think it would help. I feel like men sometimes have trouble admitting when they're sad and when they're scared. I certainly had that, you know. Cause we're taught, like, men are strong. We don't feel that. We only feel anger. That's the manly emotion.
Stephen Colbert
Eat your kebabs.
Kumail Nanjiani
Eat your kebabs.
Stephen Colbert
You say that you like to leave the audience with a warm feeling.
Kumail Nanjiani
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert
What do you go to for that warm feeling?
Kumail Nanjiani
Well, this one I wanted to sort of talk about, you know, obviously we're in a pretty intense moment in history. We're living through it all. And so I sort of, I talk about how, like, as long as we're there for each other, we're gonna be okay. And I make the audience, I end the show by saying, this is gonna be bleeped. I say this and you're going to be okay. I say that to the audience and I make them say that to me in unison. And it feels really nice. It feels like, hey, maybe we will be okay. You know, that's how I feel. I feel like as long as there's a community and we support each other, we'll get through it.
Stephen Colbert
Jamel, you've left me with a warm feeling.
Trump Voice Actor
Thank you.
Stephen Colbert
His stand up special Night Thoughts is out this Friday on Hulu. Kumail Nanjiani, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show POD show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.
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Stephen Colbert
Can you believe it's finally Christmas?
Kumail Nanjiani
The Paw Patrol is on a roll. To the.
Stephen Colbert
The Paw Patrol Christmas, the brand new holiday special now streaming on Paramount.
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
Plus.
Episode: Kumail Nanjiani | It's Yammer Time
Date: December 18, 2025
This episode of The Late Show Pod Show features host Stephen Colbert in his signature satirical style as he tackles current political happenings—most notably a surprise Trump address and New York City Mayor Eric Adams’ latest antics. The main focus is a lively and candid interview with comedian and actor Kumail Nanjiani, whose warmth and wit shine as he discusses family, his recent work on Broadway, his upcoming stand-up special "Night Thoughts," and personal reflections from therapy.
Trump’s Emergency Address & Ballroom Boast
Mockery of Trump’s Hanukkah Explanation
US Blockade of Venezuela
NYC Mayor Eric Adams’ Time Capsule
Golden Globe Nomination Before Release:
Defining ‘Night Thoughts’:
Stephen’s Remedy:
Reading Real ‘Night Thoughts’
Chicago Beginnings & Emotional Stand-Up Recording
Kumail Nanjiani’s stand-up special "Night Thoughts" releases Friday on Hulu.