Stephen Colbert (4:23)
Welcome to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen, Spring, Spring, Spring has officially sprung here in New York. Temperatures were in the 70s. It was a perfect day for the ticker tape parade celebrating our victory over Iran. But that celebration has been slow. Over the weekend, the United States and Iran failed to reach a peace agreement, according to the chief U.S. negotiator, Vice President and Grim reaper's cousin who owns a tire store, J.D. vance. Before he admitted to his failure, J.D. tried to distract with some odd praise. Well, good morning, everybody, and let me say a couple of notes of appreciation. First of all, to the Prime Minister of Pakistan. Whatever shortcomings of the negotiation, it wasn't because of the Pakistanis, who did an amazing job. Yeah, dude, no one's blaming the Pakistanis. It's like telling your girlfriend, baby, whatever my shortcomings in the bedroom, let's not blame my erectile dysfunction on the Pakistanis, who I think we can all agree did an amazing job. Mao, you might be wondering, where was Trump all this was going down. Well, he was tending to the most important goings on at a UFC fight in Miami. Of course, in this case, UFC stands for. You gotta be kidding me. Now Trump's entourage. Trump's entourage included Secretary of State Marco Rubio, a few of Trump's children, and the recording artist Vanilla Ice. What? Yeah, that's what I said. What? Seems random, but Mr. Ice actually had some important negotiating advice for the President. Stop. We collaborate and listen. Yeah. It's eternal. It's a timeless message. It's always a prize. Trump wasn't just watching the fights. He was making some very important connections. You're a beautiful guy, great fighter. Thanks, sir. Thank you. Who to be the mod that you'll win any strong fight. I'll give you a mod. You look so good. But two good looking to be a fighter. You are some fighter. Yes. When you desperately need a deal to get us out of a war with no end in sight. The first step is flirting with a cage fighter. It's all there in his new book, the Art of Seeming Weirdly Horny. But once word got back, stop, collaborate and listen. But once Word got back to Trump that there was no deal with Iran. He posted his revenge. Effective immediately, the United States Navy, the finest in the world, will begin the process of blockading any and all ships trying to enter or leave the Strait of Hormuz. Wait, so we're blockading Iran's blockade? That's actually genius. It's like a plumber saying, you know, some guys would plunge this toilet, but I'm gonna play some 12 dimensional chess and double clog it. All right, here's what we're gonna do. Here's what we're gonna do. Are we listening? Somebody get me a strong cup of coffee. I'm going in. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello. Okay, for my friends. No. Okay. But this development brings us to the latest installment of my unfortunately long running series, Hormuz News. You can use. Yes, it's trues. Now we block it toos after. Got a double pump it. Double pump it. After the talks went belly up, Trump called into Fox News, Maria Bartiromo to say that actually the negotiations went great, except for one little thing. We had a very intensive negotiation and toward the end it got very friendly and we got just about every point we needed, except for the fact that they refused to give up their nuclear ambition. Yes, Trump got everything he wanted, except the one thing he wanted. The divorce is going great. She's getting the money and the kids, but I am not getting the house. No. Then Bartiromo asked the President about oil and gas prices. And just take a look at her reaction after he answered. So do you believe the price of oil and gas will be lower before the midterm elections? I hope so. I mean, I think so. It could be. It could be. Or the same. Or maybe a little bit higher. Just one quick follow up question, Mr. President. Are. Are my eyeballs still in my head? Because I heard a loud popping sound. That is the one line I had to memorize tonight because I cannot read shit with those. On some embarrassing setbacks for Trump and his team. But the President took it all in stride and did the mature thing and attacked the Pope. Last night he posted, Pope Leo is weak on crime. Yeah, man, he's the Pope. He visits people in jail. Oh. It would be cool though, if the Pope did fight crime. Then we could watch Murder She Pope. It was long. It was so. It was a long, unhinged post, including a weird moment where he says, leo does not sit well with me. Nothing sits well with you. All you're sitting looks like clinical depression on a toilet. This is unprecedented. This Is according, according to one Italian religious historian, not even Hitler or Mussolini attacked the Pope so directly and publicly. It's never great when someone says you should really be more discreet and respectful, you know, like Hitler. Trump, he didn't stop there because just 40 minutes later, he posted this AI image depicting himself as Jesus, presumably trying to heal Jon Stewart. It's worth taking a moment to break down what's going on here. First, you got Trump, Christ and his disciples, young white man in hat, older white man in hat who is apparently a proud graduate of plidooby. Young woman and same young woman in hat. Above him is a heavenly host heralding the savior in chief's arrival. You got a bunch of cloud soldiers, an astronaut with a shiv, and that middle guy is a winged man beast with spikes where his head should be, looking like a bootleg Transformers action figure figure your grandma got you at the dollar store. The box says his name is Optimus Pring, and he folds into a hand fan. Happy birthday. Of course, Trump depicting himself as Jesus Christ angered a lot of people, including MAGA people, with one conservative commenter saying blasphemy. Sir, may I suggest you just take a breath, pray on it, and read the gospel according to Plidooby. Today, Trump deleted. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There you go. Today, Trump deleted the post and a reporter asked him about it.
