← The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert
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- [00:00]
Stephen Colbert
Hey, everybody. Stephen Colbert here about to read the copy for our sponsor. This is from our friends at Wonderful Pistachios. And I was the wonderful pistachio spokesman for years. Yeah, I have a real close association with nut meat. Okay. You know what they say when they reach for a snack? Don't hold back. And that's exactly the approach with Wonderful Pistachios. The don't hold back snack. These little wonders are so tasty, it feels like getting away with something. But surprise. Each serving has 6 grams of protein and 0 grams of regret. That's right. No guilt. Just glory, glory in our nuts. Whether it's a satisfying crack of in shell pistachios, and that's capitalized in shell, or the smooth, instant gratification of no shells. No judgment. That's just it. Just eat. No judgment. I take issue with one thing. It's instant gratification. It's super tasty smooth.
- [01:05]
Guest or Co-host
It's a hard nut smooth.
- [01:07]
Stephen Colbert
Exactly. I mean, even out of the shell, it's still a nut.
- [01:10]
Guest or Co-host
We can't disparage the nuts. You.
- [01:12]
Stephen Colbert
I'm not disparaging the nut. I'm describing the nut.
- [01:15]
Guest or Co-host
Don't disparage any flavors.
- [01:16]
Stephen Colbert
I'm not. I am celebrating the pistachio right now. I'm on board. I love pistachios. I love. I love crushed pistachio. Like a pistachio crusted trout. Oh, unbelievable. Instead of a trout amandine, a trout pistachio. Fantastic. Enough butter? Who cares?
- [01:32]
Guest or Co-host
Very good.
- [01:33]
Stephen Colbert
And I love pistachio ice cream.
- [01:35]
Guest or Co-host
Have you had the sea salt and vinegar? Wonderful pistachio. It's delicious. I get them.
- [01:38]
Stephen Colbert
I didn't even know I get them.
- [01:39]
Guest or Co-host
Before the softball games.
- [01:40]
Stephen Colbert
But that's. You see, it's been a while since I've been the spokesman for wonderful pistachios. I didn't realize we'd achieved new pistachio technology.
- [01:46]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah. Yeah. Wow.
- [01:47]
Stephen Colbert
Wonderful pistachios has every snack style covered. Right now. There's an obsession with jalapeno lime. There is an obsession session. It's almost a disorder. It's spicy, it's zesty. It's basically a flavor roller coaster in a nut. Snacking on the go. Grab a bag of no shells. Feeling contemplative and want to work for it a little. So earning it, they're saying if you want to earn your nut, crack open those in shell beauties. Either way, it's snacking like a champ. So the next time hunger strikes, don't hold back. Unless it's a hunger strike. And then it's important that you do, because whatever you're doing that for, I'm sure it's a worthwhile cause. Snack like you mean it with wonderful pistachios. Visit wonderfulpistachios.com to learn more.
- [02:41]
Guest or Co-host
That was a wonderful.
- [02:42]
Stephen Colbert
I wonder what more there is to learn. We just told them so much. We just told them so much about pistachios. But evidently there's a whole other world. There's an unexplored vista.
- [02:55]
Guest or Co-host
They got a bunch of flavors. They got dill pickle, jalapeno lime, as we learned, smoky barbecue. There's a lot of different flavors.
- [03:01]
Stephen Colbert
Wow. And I would not disparage any of them.
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Guest or Co-host
No, no, no.
- [03:04]
Stephen Colbert
Bring it on.
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Guest or Co-host
Nothing bad to say.
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Stephen Colbert
Nut me, nut, nut me with nut meat.
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Guest or Co-host
We're nut.
- [03:09]
Stephen Colbert
No, we got nothing but nut. Nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty. Talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about nutty.
- [03:20]
Guest or Co-host
Good. It's the holidays and my home is command central for all the family festivities, which would normally stress me out. But this year I've got Bob's Discount Furniture. Bob's makes it super easy to host. They've got extendable dining sets for all your surprise guests, sofas with pop up sleepers and hidden storage. That way people have a comfy place to sleep and a convenient place to hide their bedding when the living room needs to be. You know, a living room during the day. Not to ment Bob's is great for gifting. Like I can actually afford to surprise my kids with the bunk bed that they've been begging for. That great. Plus they've got power reclining sofas for just $9.99 and smaller gifts like decor and fun accent pieces. I might even treat myself with a Consumer Reports recommended mattress and sleep until the new year. For happy hosting and great gifting holiday the Bob's Way at Bob's Discount Furniture, it's the Late Show Poncho with Stephen Col.
- [04:26]
Stephen Colbert
Folks, I spend most of my time right over there in the news Kushna sourcing the most topical ivory teff story flour, which I blend with distilled water, wild yeast and ursho, then ferment for three days before thinning it with boiling water and cook on a mitad to make the delicate yet satisfying Ethiopian injera flatbread that is my monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, I shake the dregs from a discarded sleeve of graham crackers into a half drunk white claw, then pour that over a hot lawn mower engine to make the dumpster Crumpet of news. That is my segment. That's it. That's a bomb. In Gilead. Meanwhile, France is aiming to join the space race with a suborbital launcher they are calling Baguette One. A little on the nose with your stereotypes there, France. That's like America launching the Buffalo Starship. Let's take a look at the Baguette one. Yep, that looks like a baguette. And nothing else. Just your classic two speed battery powered personal baguette. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, in science news, the examination of animal genitals has helped scientists to discover seven new species. The scientists added that it wasn't worth it. Does it really? It was just dogs and cats, I guess. Alright, a couple birds. Meanwhile, in Australia, 374 bagpipers played an AC DC song together to break a world record. That record. That record. Worst thing ever. Meanwhile, new scientific research has discovered that bumblebees can learn to understand Morse code. Finally, it's going to make it so much easier to send them telegrams. Aw, that's very sweet. Meanwhile, we've got a story so crazy it's time for another installment of Guess which state this happened in. Nevermind, it's Florida. Give me back my drugs, alligator. Now, Everyone's okay, by which I mean physically safe. But in Point St. Lucie, a bar argument over how many eggs a chicken can lay led to gunfire. And this man right here was arrested, faces multiple charges including aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and one count of first degree Huckleberry Finn. Man. Huck, honey. Huck, honey. Somebody's getting ramified. Meanwhile, in retail news, Bath and Body Works is making Grand Central Terminal smell like fresh balsam for the holidays, bringing an immersive campaign to train stations and movie theaters. Well, that explains the New York Times review of Begonia. Emma Stone sparkles. But it smelled like sticks in there, if that makes sense. I never thought of sticks of having a smell. But when you smell this, you'll be like, oh yeah, that's a stick. Jesse Plemons was also good. Meanwhile, in boat news, a ferry shocked passengers by mistakenly playing porn on its lounge tv. That must have been a weird announcement. As your captain, I apologize for mistakenly playing porn on the lounge tv. I meant to play the porn on my iPad up here on the bridge. Anyone? Anyone know how to stop screen sharing? And also, if you had to take a guess, what is my password? Meanwhile, last week, a pig named Breakfast was seen running loose through a buffalo neighborhood. Gosh, I wonder why an animal that you named after the food you're going to turn it into would run away from you. Oh no. The pigs got loose. We lost pork chop snackers, ham sandwich, BLT carnitas, sweet and sour empanada, rib rack, prosciutto gyoza and slim Jim. Fellas fell. Meanwhile, meanwhile, Waymo says its self driving taxis will take customers on freeways for the first time. Which means the chances of getting hit by a self driving car are now way mo.
- [09:32]
Guest or Co-host
More meanwhile after this.
- [09:44]
Stephen Colbert
Folks, if you watch the show, you know that I spend most of my time over there in the news workshop assembling the most topical story. Leather with 400 grams of heat seeker, eco insulation, a snowshoe heel clip and gator d rings to make the north face Chilkat V400 boots that are my nightly monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, I wake up naked in the cabin of an abandoned jeep wrangler in the hinterlands where I strip the fan belt off the engine to strap squirrel nests from my feet and trudge toward town wearing nothing but the hoth moccasins of news that are my segments. Meanwhile, that's all I need to keep me warm. That's the hand warmers. Hand warmers are late night right there. Meanwhile, thanks to a new breakthrough, robots in your bloodstream could deliver drugs into precise locations by a surgeon using a tool not that different from a PlayStation controller.
- [10:44]
Guest or Co-host
Neat.
- [10:46]
Stephen Colbert
I look forward to those pre operation assurances. Don't you worry, you're in great hands. Dr. Goldberg has achieved kingpin in Grand Theft Auto V. Meanwhile, an overweight raccoon was found wandering through an English neighborhood that weighed in at 24.69 pounds, more than three times the average weight of a healthy adult of the species. Feels a little fat. Shamey. He's not overweight. There's just more of him to give you rabies. This fat ass raccoon over here is doubly rare because raccoons are considered an invasive species in England and were banned outright in 2016. I don't get it. English people have so much in common with raccoons. They both have opposable thumbs and love eating garbage. Oh, oh, oh, oh. That one was for the Mayflower. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means. In other raccoon news, a new study has found that raccoons living in urban areas are physically changing in response to life around humans, which is an early step toward domestication. Which means we are one step closer to my dream of the Westminster Raccoon Show. He won best in Leptospirosis Meanwhile, previously unknown works by Johann Sebastian Bach have been presented and performed in Germany for the first time in 320 years. And I am honored to say that we here at the Late Night have a copy of this never before heard Bach piece, which will now be performed for the first time in the United States by our keyboard player, Corey Bernhard. Cory. Okay, Stephen, Here goes. Corey. Cory, that Bach piece sounds a lot like the theme from Cheers. Well, that's the beauty of Bach, Stephen. It's original, yet it still feels so familiar. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, on Hollywood news. Parmigiano Reggiano. Yes, the cheese has been signed as a client by the United Talent Agency. About damn time. He got an agent. Parmigiano's been doing great work for decades. You made it clear just a moment ago that your men never take matters in their own hands. Your men follow orders or people die. So Santiago shouldn't have been in any danger at all.
- [13:36]
Guest or Co-host
Sure.
- [13:36]
Stephen Colbert
To you, Colonel. I'd like an answer to the question. Judge. I want the truth. The Parmigiano Reggiano consortium, which regulates and promotes the cheese, is mounting a big push to get the King of Cheese's product placement in Hollywood projects. They want their cheese and entertainment so bad that a few months ago, and this is true, the consortium sent me this entire wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano. Bring it out. Here we go. They mailed me. They mailed me a 90 pound disc of old milk in the hopes that I would talk about it on tv, which I wouldn't do even if they'd flash burned my face into the side of it. Which they did. Nice try. Parmigiano Reggiano. King of Cheeses. Also, please send another one. I'll be done with this by Christmas. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to the late show you YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. As a raider scavenging a derelict world, you settle into an underground settlement. But now you must return to the surface where arc machines roam. If you're brave enough, who knows what you might find. Arc Raiders, a multiplayer extraction adventure video game. Buy now for PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X and S and PC rated T for teen.
- [15:27]
Guest or Co-host
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