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- [00:00]
Wonderful Pistachios Advertiser
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- [01:00]
IXL Advertiser
You ever hit that moment when your kid asks for help with homework and you're like, wait, when did long division get this complicated? Or maybe your child's flying through lessons and getting bored in class? Yeah, been there. Whether they're struggling or soaring, IXL can make a real difference. IXL is an award winning online platform that helps kids really understand what they're learning. It covers math, language arts, science and social studies from Pre K through 12th grade and it's actually fun, engaging, personalized and packed with encouraging feedback to help keep them motivated. IXL is used by 96 of the top 100 school districts in the US and it's no surprise it's backed by research. Kids using IXL are scoring higher on tests and studies from almost every state show they're consistently doing better. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and listeners of this podcast can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixllearning.com audio visit ixllearning.com audio to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price.
- [02:02]
Stephen Colbert
It's the Late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert.
- [02:10]
Ed Mylett
Folks.
- [02:11]
Stephen Colbert
Folks, if you watch the show and I encourage you to, you know that I spend most of my time right over there selecting the finest Trinitario and Forastero Cocoa News beans which are dry roasted and then milled to create a fine topical cocoa mass which is conked into a silky smooth, velvety Texture to create the intense and luxurious Lindt premium gold bar Chocolate is my monologue. But sometimes, just sometime, folks, after getting kicked in the head by a police horse, I scrape out a fly covered jell O pudding cup using a half eaten ding dong and leave it on a radiator to serve you the fermented bug fudge of news that is my segment.
- [02:48]
Paramount Plus Advertiser
Meanwhile.
- [02:51]
Stephen Colbert
This is like coming home. This is like olliolly oxenfool, right? Meanwhile, a Brazilian nun has gone viral for her beatboxing skills on a religious TV show. Jimmy drop the beat. That is impressive. The greatest collaboration between the Catholic Church and hip hop culture since Pope Benedict won the B boy dance off. Meanwhile, there's a little news from the world of sport, where last night the Colorado Rockies became the third fastest team to reach 50 losses in an MLB history, making them the worst team in the last 125 years. In response, the team has announced that at future games they're changing take me out to the ball game to take me out behind the shed and kill me. Meanwhile, at Newark Airport, a two year old is okay after accessing the conveyor belt luggage system and riding it to the checked baggage room down on the lower level, after which responding officers hopped on the conveyor belt to track down the child. That's how they did it. Quick after him. Meanwhile, France will soon ban smoking in most public places. What? You're kid. I can't believe they're banning something so quintessentially French. That's like banning baguettes or croissants. Or threesomes. Or threesomes with a baguette and a croissant. Meanwhile. That sounds pretty good. That sounds pretty good. Meanwhile, in makeout news, researchers say that mood disorders can trigger the release of the stress hormone cortisol, which can disrupt the delicate balance of bacteria in the mouth and therefore kissing can actually spread depression and anxiety. Well, that explains why I was so happy and relaxed in middle school. Hang in there, buddy. You hang in there, buddy. Okay. Turns out it's actually a good thing you're so lonely. Meanwhile, in insect accident news, millions of honeybees were abuzz after a truck overturned in Washington state. What was a little odd was that some of the news sources reported that it was 250 million bees that escaped, while others reported it was 14 million bees that got loose. That's a pretty big spread. But gotta imagine it's tough to count loose bees. 4 million 1. 4 million 2. 4 million 3. Wait, did I already count that one? He looks familia. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
- [06:05]
Wonderful Pistachios Advertiser
1, 2, 3.
- [06:09]
Stephen Colbert
Meanwhile, grocery chain Aldi has been accused by Oreo parent company Mondelez of copying its packaging on their products like Oreos and Wheat Thins in an effort to dupe customers. Here's the Oreos package, and here's Aldi's version. Here's Wheat Thins, and here's Aldi's Thin Wheat. Come on, why don't I just name it? Technically, these aren't Oreos. And did you think these were Wheat Thins? Because according to our lawyers, they're not. Meanwhile, in huge moving cloud news, a giant plume of Saharan dust is headed to Florida. Fortunately, most Florida Residents are already 75% dust. Reportedly. What? Reportedly, the enormous dust cloud left Africa last week and drifted into the Caribbean. Coincidentally left Africa last week and drifted into the Caribbean. Also, the least popular Jimmy Buffett song. More Late show pod show after this. Folks, I don't want to make a big deal about it, but I am a man. Thank you for noticing, but lately, us men have not been doing so well. According to recent global studies, men are at the most risk of social isolation. And 2/3 of young men said, nobody really knows me well, and I can relate. Sometimes I feel like nobody knows me, but I fix that by putting my name in giant lights on the front of this building. You see? Now look at that. 10 stories tall. Now, I'm not lonely, but when it comes to concerning issues about males, social isolation is just the tip of the manberg. Though that is the most sensitive part. So join me now as I dive into the troubled world of misterds, dudes and brosephs in my brand new segment. Are men okay? It's a public service. It's a public service is what it is. Thank you, Matt. Men may be lonely, but modern society has a solution, and you'll never. It's the Internet. It's the Internet. Lately. Lately, I've been hitting the old doom swipeys over here, and my mangorithm is has introduced me to all sorts of new alpha friends, a wide world of podcasters and social media influencers, and roided out man cubes that comprise the media landscape that has been dubbed the Manosphere, where we men get together to discuss professional sports, gambling, weightlifting, drinking, drug use, and women. Before the Internet, the only place men could do all those things at once was your cousin's basement. You know the slogan? Is it supposed to smell like this? One of the first members of the Manosphere that my phone here introduced me to is author, podcaster, and chicken Nugget that forgot to shave Ed Mylett. I was impressed immediately by Ed's revolutionary new life hack.
- [09:31]
Ed Mylett
To save time, my day is 6am to noon. And I'm not crazy. You're crazy for thinking it takes 24 hours. Just like some dude in a cave did 300 years ago. My second day starts at noon and goes till 6pm that's day two. And then the next day is 6pm to midnight. What I've done now is I have changed and manipulated time. I now get 21 days a week. Stack that up over a month, I'm gonna kick your butt. Stack it up over a year, you're toast. Stack it up over five years. My entire life is different than it would have been otherwise.
- [09:57]
Stephen Colbert
That all works out okay. Three days a day equals 21 days a week. That's simple math. O matics. That's Algebro. And you know you can trust Ed as a life coach because only the soundest advice starts with the phrase, I'm not crazy. You're crazy. So you give Ed's plan a try. Because the only other way to live three days and 24 hours is what experts call meth. And eventually, even the best of us do run out of teeth. Now, there are plenty more popular manfluencers who know how to fix us. Like Andy Elliot, seen here wearing his name on his chest. In case he forgets, Mr. Elliot here has gathered nearly 3 million followers with inspirational words like this.
- [10:44]
Andy Elliot
Nobody's gonna my wife better than me.
- [10:47]
Stephen Colbert
Okay, okay. A, I believe you. B, I did not know it was a contest. When are the semifinals? And can we get Ken Jeong and a panel of judges? It'd be great tv. Call it America's Got Sex with this guy's Wife, but this, this model of male confidence is not done dominating.
- [11:14]
Andy Elliot
Nobody's going to be a better father to my children than me. Nobody's going to be a better leader than my company than me. Nobody is literally going to work out my workout partner harder than me. Nobody's going to do any of this better than me. And that is my job when I'm here. That the people that believe in me for me to give everything that I have. So on the day that they bury me in the ground, I ain't letting no one come replace me.
- [11:37]
Stephen Colbert
This man is going to dominate his own burial. He's already bought the tombstone. Best at dead. Well, folks, we could go on, right? We could go on. This is just a smattering. We've just scratched the surface of this subject. But that's all we have time for in tonight's are men. Okay? As always, I want to shout out to our sponsor, Bone Zone. America's Bone Zone. America's number one gas station male enhancement energy drink applied directly to the zone, which is the bone Bone Zone. The top beverage among men who are eventually caught on camera having sex with heavy machinery. No one's gonna bang that bulldozer better than you. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclus loosens.
- [12:49]
Paramount Plus Advertiser
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- [13:05]
Stephen Colbert
911 stage emergency. Yes. Somebody killed two girls. My grandbaby, her friends.
- [13:12]
Paramount Plus Advertiser
A Paramount plus original.
- [13:14]
Wonderful Pistachios Advertiser
She wants to find more young women for him to kill.
- [13:17]
Paramount Plus Advertiser
The untold stories of the real cases.
- [13:20]
Wonderful Pistachios Advertiser
Each one he gets away with.
- [13:21]
Paramount Plus Advertiser
He's emboldened the FBI can't shake.
- [13:25]
Stephen Colbert
It's very satisfying to be able to look at a bad guy and go, we never forgot you.
- [13:29]
Paramount Plus Advertiser
An all new season of FBI True streaming now on Paramount plus.