Meanwhile | Coffee Makes You Happy

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: Meanwhile | Coffee Makes You Happy
Date: September 28, 2025

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Overview

This episode of The Late Show Pod Show features Stephen Colbert’s iconic “Meanwhile” segment, where he delivers rapid-fire commentary on quirky news stories, pop culture oddities, and scientific finds, all with his trademark satirical wit. The episode’s comedic throughline centers around surprising science—like coffee improving happiness and the attempted revival of dodos—and absurd real-world happenings, from Times Square casinos to shattering Prosecco bottles.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Celebrating Asher Perlman’s New Book (01:39)

• Stephen spotlights Late Show writer and cartoonist Asher Perlman’s cartoons and recently released sequel:
  • “Hi, It’s Me Again,” a follow-up to his previous book.
  • Colbert reads a favorite cartoon about coffee’s side effects.
• Quote (Stephen Colbert, 01:57):

  "It’s a guy pouring himself a cup of coffee and he’s saying, ‘I feel alert now, but why stop there? I can also feel sick and insane.’ And I believe you would be sick and insane if you don’t buy this book."

2. The “Meanwhile” Segment Begins (02:20)

• Colbert playfully explains the transition from his main monologue to the "Meanwhile" segment, filled with playful, poetic imagery and mock gravitas.

3. Quirky News Highlights

A. Scuba-Clad Disney Springs Robbery (02:57)

• A man in scuba gear robs a Disney Springs restaurant and flees by swimming—ripe for superhero jokes.
• Quote (Stephen Colbert, 03:01):

  "Well, it finally happened. The one crime that can be solved by Aquaman."

B. Times Square Casino Proposal Rejected (03:22)

• New York City turns down a plan to put a casino in Times Square.
• Quote (Stephen Colbert, 03:52):

  "If you want to gamble in Times Square, you bet on the drunk Elmo fights. Like everybody else. They don’t feel pain. They don’t feel any pain."

C. Dodo Bird Resurrection (04:13)

• Scientists claim dodos could return within a decade—a major bioengineering milestone.
• Colbert jokes about culinary and wine-pairing implications.
• Quote (Stephen Colbert, 04:22):

  "I cannot wait to eat one. I mean, think about it. Do they make their own gravy like chickens? What wine do you pair with them? There are so many scientific questions still unanswered."

D. Central Perk Comes to NYC (04:43)

• Permanent "Friends"-inspired Central Perk coffee shop will open in Times Square.
• Colbert sees it as prime seating to watch "Elmo fights."

E. Record-Setting Pig Kidney Transplant (04:57)

• American man survives six months post pig kidney transplant.
• Colbert wonders about the pig’s well-being.
• Quote (Stephen Colbert, 05:08):

  "How’s the pig doing? Is he okay? ‘Cause that was really nice of that pig. I’d like to send him something."

F. Crack-Resistant Tomatoes (05:32)

• Rutgers researchers develop a new sweet, crack-resistant tomato.
• Colbert riffs on literal and recreational interpretations.
• Quote (Stephen Colbert, 05:42):

  "It would have taken half that time if not for a clerical error that caused them to first make a tomato resistant crack. Yeah, even if you eat a tomato, still feels like you smoke crack."

G. Costco Prosecco Warning (05:59)

• Kirkland Prosecco bottles reportedly shatter spontaneously.
• Quote (Stephen Colbert, 06:07):

  "Kirkland Brand Prosecco doesn’t instill a lot of confidence to begin with. You know their slogan, ‘Whatever, it’s your third wedding.’"

H. Coffee Makes You Happy—Science Confirms (06:24)

• Scientific study backs up: “Your morning cup of coffee really does make you happier.”
• Colbert mocks the obviousness and claims for a comedic effect.
• Quote (Stephen Colbert, 06:28):

  "The author has also published more of their groundbreaking studies such as ‘Sex Feels Nice’ and ‘Africa by Toto actually kind of rocks.’ It does."

I. Raccoon Rescued from Peach Booze (06:46)

• A Kentucky nurse revives a raccoon that passed out from fermented peaches—Colbert embellishes with a “Kentucky-ized” alternate headline.
• Quote (Stephen Colbert, 06:54):

  "The only way it could be more Kentucky is if it said, ‘Nurse saves raccoon’s life with CPR. Realizes they are cousins, celebrates with shots of bourbon, passes out, raccoon saves nurse’s life with CPR.’"

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Morning Coffee:
  Colbert’s satire shines when lampooning scientific “discoveries” about coffee:

  "Science confirms that your morning cup of coffee really does make you happier." (06:24)
  "Sex Feels Nice and Africa by Toto actually kind of rocks. It does." (06:28)

• Asher Perlman Plug:

  "I believe you would be sick and insane if you don't buy this book." (01:57)

• On Pig Kidney Transplants:

  "How's the pig doing? ... ‘Cause that was really nice of that pig. I’d like to send him something." (05:08)

• On Elmo in Times Square:

  "If you want to gamble in Times Square, you bet on the drunk Elmo fights. Like everybody else. They don't feel pain." (03:52)

• On Kirkland Brand Prosecco:

  "Whatever, it’s your third wedding." (06:07)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------| | 01:39 | Show opens, Asher Perlman’s book spotlight | | 02:20 | "Meanwhile" segment begins | | 02:57 | Scuba robbery at Disney Springs | | 03:22 | Times Square casino proposal nixed | | 04:13 | Dodo reintroduction science | | 04:43 | Central Perk coffee shop announcement | | 04:57 | Pig kidney transplant record | | 05:32 | Crack-resistant tomato innovation | | 05:59 | Shattering Kirkland Prosecco | | 06:24 | Coffee’s positive effects confirmed by science| | 06:46 | Nurse saves drunk raccoon in Kentucky |

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Tone and Style

Colbert’s delivery blends sharp satire, playful absurdism, and the warmth of late-night camaraderie. He finds the comic angle in both the sublime and ridiculous, tying random news together with his self-aware, ever-jovial tone, peppering the episode with puns, callbacks, and offbeat “meanwhile” segues.

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For New Listeners

You get a whirlwind tour of oddball news, pop culture nods, and clever late-night commentary—no need for prior knowledge. Colbert’s “Meanwhile” distills daily weirdness with humor and affection, making even the silliest stories feel both relevant and hysterical.

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Transcript

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It's the Late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Colbert]

Give it up for Louis Cato and the Late Show Band, everybody. Folks, you may have heard we have some wonderful writers here at the show, and one of them is a fella named Asher Perlman. That's Asher right there. And on top. On top of working on this show and attempting to play basketball, Asher moonlights as a New Yorker cartoonist. And last year he released a book called well, this Is Me, and he just released its sequel, hi, it's me again. And they're great. I love Asher's cartoons. Here's a good one right there. It's a guy pouring himself a cup of coffee and he's saying, I feel alert now, but why stop there? I can also feel sick and insane. And I believe. I believe you would be sick and insane if you don't buy this book. Unlike Asher's other work on this show, this one's a slam Dunk. Go get it, baby. No. There you go, folks. If you watch the show, you know I spend most of my time right over there in the news manufactory, assembling the most topical wood story frame swathed in stingray hide, textured leather with soft glide drawers, and a naturopedic organic mattress to build for you. The luxurious Cliro Chagrin brass panel baby crib. That is my monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, I spit at a witch for giving me the stink eye while playing alley craps, then flee to a junk lot where I throw a shredded tarp over an empty tractor tire and curl up inside the scallywag bassinet of news. That is my segment. Meanwhile, that is a song of hope for a nation. Yeah. Meanwhile, in Florida, a scuba clad man robbed a Disney Springs restaurant, then swam away. Well, it finally happened. The one crime that can be solved by Aquaman. Meanwhile, good cartoon one. Meanwhile, casinos, AKA Chuck E. Cheese for sad grownups. Last week here in New York City, a proposal for a Times Square casino was voted down.

[Kelly Clarkson]

Good.

[Stephen Colbert]

Good. That is no place for a casino. If you want to gamble in Times Square, you bet on the drunk Elmo fights. Like everybody else. They don't feel pain. They don't feel any pain. Meanwhile, scientists claim they've made a pivotal step in bringing back the dodo for the first time in 300 years and say thousands of dodos could return within a decade. This is a massive breakthrough in reversing and preventing extinction, thereby protecting and preserving our precious biodiversity. And I cannot wait to eat one. I mean, think about it. Do they make their own gravy like chickens? What wine do you pair with them? There are so many scientific questions still unanswered. Meanwhile, the Friends inspired coffee shop Central Perk will open permanently with a New York location in Times Square. Oh, that's going to be such a cozy place to watch the Elmo fights. Meanwhile, no Elmo this time. Okay, Stay down. Meanwhile, setting a new organ transplant record, an American man is still alive six months after a pig kidney transplant. That is fantastic. How's the pig doing? Is he okay? Cause that was really nice of that pig. I'd like to send him something. Let's check on that pig. I'm sure it was just one kidney. They let the pig keep the other kidney. You have two kidneys. Or they put the pig on dialysis after they took the kidneys out. I mean, they do some nice thing for the pig. They're not monsters. Meanwhile, great news for fans of undamaged vegetables. Because researchers at Rutgers University spent 12 years creating this sweet crack resistant tomato. It would have taken half that time if not for a clerical error that caused them to first make a tomato resistant crack. Yeah, even if you eat a tomato, still feels like you smoke crack. Meanwhile, Costco has sent out a warning about spontaneously shattering Kirkland brand Prosecco bottles. To be fair, Kirkland Brand Prosecco doesn't instill a lot of confidence to begin with. You know their slogan, whatever, it's your third wedding. Meanwhile, any word on that pig? Nothing back on the pig yet. Meanwhile, folks, this may shock you, but science confirms that your morning cup of coffee really does make you happier. The author has also published more of their groundbreaking studies such as Sex Feels Nice and Africa by Toto actually kind of rocks. It does. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, a nurse saved a raccoon's life with CPR after it got drunk on fermented peaches. That may be the most Kentucky headline ever written. The only way it could be more Kentucky is if it said, nurse saves raccoon's life with cpr. Realizes they are cousins, celebrates with shots of bourbon, passes out Raccoon saves nurse's life with cpr. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

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[Stephen Colbert]

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[Stephen Colbert]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Smurfs with a pg. Now streaming on Paramount plus.