Meanwhile | Consumer Watch

Summary

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert: "Meanwhile | Consumer Watch" Episode Summary

Episode Details

• Title: Meanwhile | Consumer Watch
• Host: Stephen Colbert
• Release Date: March 30, 2025
• Description: In this episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert, Stephen delivers his signature blend of humor and insightful commentary in the "Consumer Watch" segment. Covering a range of topics from business mishaps to quirky news stories, Stephen provides listeners with a humorous yet critical take on contemporary consumer and societal issues.

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1. Business Blowups: Forever 21's Downfall

Timestamp: [01:10]

Stephen opens the segment with the news that Forever 21 has filed for bankruptcy and plans to shutter all its U.S. stores. He humorously remarks on the brand's self-sabotage:

"They kind of jinxed themselves with that name. Just like my great grandfather. Never die Johnson."
— Stephen Colbert [01:20]

His quip underscores the irony of a fashion brand's demise tied to its very identity.

2. Sports Missteps: Bulgarian Soccer Team's Apology

Timestamp: [02:05]

Shifting to sports, Stephen discusses a Bulgarian soccer team's blunder where they held a moment of silence for a player who was, in fact, still alive. Highlighting the absurdity, he notes:

"When reached for comment, the club said, and now we wait."
— Stephen Colbert [02:15]

This segment serves as a comedic critique of organizational incompetence in sports.

3. Animal Antics: The Ohio Goat Chase

Timestamp: [02:45]

Stephen recounts the bizarre incident of a goat being chased by police across an Ohio highway. He humorously maps out the goat's intended route to a Mexican grill, poking fun at the animal's apparent sophistication:

"She's a goat, she's not an idiot. Check them out. They're good folks over there. El Malecon."
— Stephen Colbert [03:00]

This story highlights the unexpected and humorous sides of everyday news.

4. High-Profile Heists: The $6 Million Gold Toilet Theft

Timestamp: [03:30]

Delving into crime news, Stephen reports on a UK court case where men were convicted for stealing a $6 million gold toilet. Adding his trademark flair, he imagines the criminals' prison life:

"My teardrop represents the water inside the golden toilet that I stole."
— Stephen Colbert [03:45]

This humorous take underscores the extravagance and absurdity of certain criminal endeavors.

5. Quirky Health Trends: Eating Like a Baby

Timestamp: [04:00]

Addressing nutrition, Stephen parodies a dietician's recommendation to "eat like a baby" for weight loss. He sarcastically summarizes the regimen:

"Such as eating every two to four hours and taking at least 15 minutes to finish your meal. And most importantly, at the end of your meal, vomit all your food onto your onesie and fall asleep."
— Stephen Colbert [04:10]

This segment satirizes extreme and impractical diet trends in the health industry.

6. Antarctic Drama: Scientist's Threat and Apology

Timestamp: [04:30]

Stephen covers the unsettling news of an Antarctic scientist who threatened to kill his colleagues before retracting his statement. He humorously speculates on the ambiguity of the apology:

"Or you'll all be sorry. It was hard to tell. He was clenching his teeth pretty hard. Anyway, nighty night."
— Stephen Colbert [04:40]

This story blends humor with the gravity of serious interpersonal conflicts in isolated environments.

7. Luxury Missteps: Lamborghini's $5,000 Baby Stroller

Timestamp: [05:15]

Highlighting consumerism, Stephen introduces Lamborghini's extravagant baby stroller, mocking its opulence:

"It's the shower gift that says, I'm happy you're having a baby and I am a drug dealer."
— Stephen Colbert [05:20]

He continues with a laugh about the product's features:

"This beauty, this little bad boy right there, come souped up with full suspension wheels, automotive inspired handlebars and a seat made of high performance suede because there is no better combination than suede and a full diaper."
— Stephen Colbert [05:30]

This segment critiques the fusion of luxury branding with everyday parenting products.

8. Flight Frenzy: Passenger Swallows Rosary Beads

Timestamp: [05:50]

Stephen reports on a chaotic flight incident where a passenger swallowed rosary beads, mistakenly believing a demonic spirit had invaded the cabin. He humorously ties it to the in-flight movie choice:

"Turns out it wasn't a demonic spirit. It was just the in flight movie Trolls World Tour."
— Stephen Colbert [06:00]

This lighthearted take highlights the sometimes bizarre actions influenced by entertainment media.

9. Airport Oddities: Man with Live Turtle Concealed in Pants

Timestamp: [06:20]

In a peculiar airport story, Stephen narrates the discovery of a man with a live turtle hidden in his pants. Playing on the old saying, he jokes:

"Is that a turtle in your pants? And why? What were you doing to that turtle?"
— Stephen Colbert [06:25]

This anecdote serves as a humorous look at unusual security breaches.

10. Genetic Gizmos: 23andMe's Bankruptcy and Concerns

Timestamp: [07:00]

Addressing the biotech industry, Stephen discusses the bankruptcy filing of 23andMe, a popular genetic testing company. He jests about the implications:

"I did. Turns out I'm 99% Irish and 1% mild salsa. Probably should have brushed my teeth first."
— Stephen Colbert [07:05]

He further satirizes potential privacy issues:

"California's Attorney General is advising customers to be cautious because if sold, there is a risk your genetic information could end up in someone else's hands and used in ways you had never considered."
— Stephen Colbert [07:20]

This segment blends humor with genuine concerns about data privacy in genetic testing.

11. Toy Trends: The Rise of Kidults

Timestamp: [07:40]

Stephen delves into the evolving toy market, highlighting the emergence of "kidults"—adult enthusiasts of children's toys. He humorously critiques companies like Lego launching adult-focused product lines:

"The grown up Lego line includes the Titanic which costs $679.99. It contains over 9,000 pieces. And is this true? I believe we have footage of one kid at after finally assembling it."
— Stephen Colbert [07:50]

He satirizes the commercialization of adult hobbies:

"They make sex toys. You know, their slogan LEGO sex toys. Ow."
— Stephen Colbert [08:00]

Stephen concludes this segment by pondering the impact of adult toy collectors on the market for children's toys.

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Conclusion

In this episode of The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert, Stephen masterfully intertwines humor with sharp observations on a variety of topics ranging from business failures and quirky news stories to emerging consumer trends. Through his "Consumer Watch" segment, listeners are entertained while being subtly informed about the absurdities and ironies present in modern society.

Notable Quotes:

• "They kind of jinxed themselves with that name. Just like my great grandfather. Never die Johnson." — Stephen Colbert [01:20]
• "She's a goat, she's not an idiot. Check them out. They're good folks over there. El Malecon." — Stephen Colbert [03:00]
• "I did. Turns out I'm 99% Irish and 1% mild salsa. Probably should have brushed my teeth first." — Stephen Colbert [07:05]

Listeners who enjoy a blend of humor and insightful commentary will find this episode both engaging and thought-provoking.

Transcript

[Friend 1]

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[Friend 2]

Easy.

[Friend 1]

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[Dietitian]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert, folks. If you watch the show, you know I spend most of my time right over there in the news kitchen, carefully whisking Comte and Parmigiano cheeses into simmering milk from the Montebellard de cows, then blending them with gently whipped marrons chicken egg whites, which I bake in a bain Marie and serve with champagne to offer you the delicate and sophisticated Alain Ducasse double cheese souffle. But sometimes I'm clawed awake by squirrels inside an abandoned Kroger where I scrape the liquid cheese from a discarded handy snack into a half empty jar of queso and add scrapings from a dried out block of Velveeta and then heat it up in a stray dog's armpit before chowing down on the derelict gutter fondue of news. That is my segment. Meanwhile, Shot in the arm. Meanwhile, Forever 21 has filed for bankruptcy and plans to close all US stores. Oh, that's too bad. But I gotta say, they kind of jinxed themselves with that name. Just like my great grandfather. Never die Johnson. Meanwhile, in soccer news, a Bulgarian team has apologized after a moment of silence was held before a game for an ex player who is still alive. When reached for comment, the club said, and now we wait. Meanwhile, outside Akron, police officers chased a runaway goat down an Ohio highway. The female goat was caught on State Route 8 north near Talmadge Avenue, which of course makes perfect sense. Clearly, the goat was going to take Talmadge west, then to hang a right on East Cuyahoga Falls Avenue, then another right on Elma to get to the El Malecon Mexican Grill. I mean, chimichangas for 10 bucks. She's a goat, she's not an idiot. Check them out. They're good folks over there. El Malecon. Meanwhile, in plumbing related crime news over in the UK a court found men who stole a $6 million gold toilet. That's going to be tough to be cool in prison. Over with that rap sheet. Oh, I see you have a teardrop tattoo. Presumably for me. Murder you committed. My teardrop represents the water inside the golden toilet that I stole. What's that? Yes, I'm ready to receive my stabbing now. If you want to. It's a nice fresh stabby spot. If you want to. Meanwhile, a nutritionist is recommending eating like a baby if you want to lose weight. Such as eating every two to four hours and taking at least 15 minutes to finish your meal. And most importantly, at the end of your meal, vomit all your food onto your onesie and fall asleep. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, an Antarctic scientist who threatened to kill his colleagues research station has since apologized. And I'm sure everyone living with him inside the most remote base on earth is reassured by that. Hey, everybody. You remember how Larry here threatened to murder everybody in this isolated facility? Well, great news. He said he's sorry. Or you'll all be sorry. It was hard to tell. He was clenching his teeth pretty hard. Anyway, nighty night.

[Friend 2]

Click.

[Stephen Colbert]

Watch Clark. Meanwhile, Lamborghini has unveiled a $5,000 baby stroller. It's the shower gift that says, I'm happy you're having a baby and I am a drug dealer. This beauty, this little bad boy right there, come souped up with full suspension wheels, automotive inspired handlebars and a seat made of high performance suede because there is no better combination than suede and a full diaper. Meanwhile, a passenger swallowed rosary beads on a chaotic flight to Miami. Flight attendants say he was shouting and chomping on his rosary because he believed a demonic spirit had invaded the cabin. Turns out it wasn't a demonic spirit. It was just the in flight movie Trolls World Tour. Yeah. Meanwhile, at Newark Airport, a man was found with a live turtle concealed in his pants. Well, you know the old saying. Is that a turtle in your pants? And why? What were you doing to that turtle? To explain himself, the man released this statement.

[Dietitian]

I like turtles.

[Stephen Colbert]

More Late show pod show after this.

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[Stephen Colbert]

Folks. It's a tough time for Americans. But remember, you have the power to do what patriots have always done. Go buy stuff. That's why I like to keep a close eye on all the incredible products and services out there in my segment Consumer Watch. Wow.

[Advertiser]

It's a watch.

[Stephen Colbert]

I like the kid. Like the cowboy kid. Folks, we all know about 23andMe. That thing where you spit into a tube and find out your genetic makeup. I did. Turns out I'm 99% Irish and 1% mild salsa. Probably should have brushed my teeth first. Well, On Sunday night, 23andMe filed for bankruptcy and is headed to bankruptcy court to sell its assets. No word on who the buyer will be, but Ancestry.com just changed their slogan to we own all the spit now. Yum yum. Good for them. California. California's Attorney General is advising customers to be cautious because if sold, there is a risk your genetic information could end up in someone else's hands and used in ways you had never considered. Okay, but what are they going to do with my DNA? Oh my God. I think I know. They never stop to think whether they should.

[Dietitian]

Right?

[Stephen Colbert]

Next up on Consumer Watch. We all know that kids love toys and why not? They're the most nutritious part of any Happy Meal. But lately there's been a shift in the toy market thanks to the rise of grown up toy aficionados known as Kidults, which make up such a large share of the toy market that companies are catering to them specifically now like Lego which just launched an age 18 adult focused line which really sounds like Legos making sex toys. You know their slogan LEGO sex toys. Ow. I got something. The grown up Lego line includes the titanic which costs $679.99. It contains over 9,000 pieces. And is this true? I believe we have footage of one Cadalt after finally assembling it.

[Dietitian]

It's been 84 years.

[Stephen Colbert]

As for why this trend is happening, researchers say kidults are embracing children's toys for the positive mental health benefits as an escape from global turmoil. It's not working. It's not working. But this raises a question. If adults are escaping their lives by buying up all the toys, then what's left for the kids? The answer just might be the Late Show's new sponsor.

[Friend 2]

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[Dietitian]

Uh huh.

[Friend 2]

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[Dietitian]

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[Friend 2]

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[Dietitian]

Okay, step one, collect your W2 for calendar year 2024. I don't have those. Should I ask my parents?

[Friend 2]

No, they're too busy assembling Boba Fett's head. Time for you to play Find the tax docs. TurboTax for Kids comes with everything you need. A calculator, pen and paper, and the US tax code.

[Dietitian]

Fun.

[Friend 2]

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[Dietitian]

I'm not sure if I should do standard deduction or itemize. Good question. Unless you run a small business or.

[Friend 2]

Carter, can I have a snack?

[Dietitian]

Not now, dad. I'm working.

[Advertiser]

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[Dietitian]

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[Friend 2]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.