← The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert
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- [00:00]
Ryan Reynolds
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- [00:18]
Commercial Narrator
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- [00:31]
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- [01:02]
Commercial Narrator
It's the Late Show Poncho with Stephen Colbert.
- [01:10]
Stephen Colbert
Folks, if you watch the show, you know I spend most of my time right over there in the news kitchen simmering the most topical Hamburg parsley, turnip, ulta, sweet rutabaga and carrots with roasted garlic before mashing with scogs, Bracken's butter and arloquot heavy cream and freshly grated nutmeg to make the balanced and hearty Swedish rotomos. That is my monologue. But sometimes, sometimes, folks, I sometimes I startle a raccoon into hawking up its partially chewed watermelon rind into a discarded tuna can filled with drain water and dine out on the puddle chud of news. That is my segment. Meanwhile, That's the only award I ever need is Meanwhile, that's the only honor I ever need. Meanwhile in Washington State, callers to Washington's Department of Licensing who have requested service in Spanish have instead heard an AI voice speaking English in a strong Spanish accent. That's a big no, no. Or as they say in Spanish, no, no. Is there video? Ah, you betcha. You push 2 for Spanish and this is what you got. Thank you for calling the Department of
- [02:29]
Commercial Narrator
Licensing Customer Support center for assistance with
- [02:33]
Stephen Colbert
scheduling a driver licensing office appointment. Man, my Spanish is getting so good. I understood almost everything she said. Thank you. Meanwhile, the German woman who holds the Guinness World record for the largest collection of Barbies earned a second title by identifying all the dolls while blindfolded. So by taste. Meanwhile, the Brady Bunch house has officially been declared an historic landmark. As well it should be. I mean, the Brady Bunch is truly an authentic t time capsule of our culture. Because if you made a show these days with that many step siblings, it would be porn. Meanwhile, there's big primate news. Because researchers in Spain gave quartz and calcite to chimpanzees, and it turns out that chimps are really into crystals. All this time, we thought of chimps as our primate cousins, but they're more like our primate aunt who lives in New Mexico. Meanwhile, in June, the New York subway system will decide whether to play ads in subways that they're calling station audio advertisements. We actually have audio? No, we actually have audio of one of the new ads, Mint mobile. And listen, I guarantee you, you will hear them because the MTA says the ADS will play at 75 decibels, which is roughly the same volume as a vacuum cleaner or chamber music in a small auditorium. Now, it turns out that the people offering that measurement, the researchers, are from Yale University. Chamber music in a small auditorium is the most Yale way to measure sound I've ever heard. E. G. What's that? 80 decibels? Why, that's the volume of six wiff and poofs in distress. What did you say? Oh, a vacuum cleaner. Yes, I suppose you could measure sound in power tools. How very Cornell of you. We are poor little lambs who have lost our way. But these ads may end up being even louder because the last time the MTA did this was a few years ago when they played ads for the Lion King, which they promised would only be 78 decibels, but ended up playing at a staggering 99 decibels, which is louder than a blender. Okay, I think they were just honoring that scene from the movie Laguna Madonna. Ain't no passing praise. We'll be right back.
- [05:53]
Commercial Narrator
More meanwhile after this,
- [06:05]
Stephen Colbert
Folks, if you watch the show, you know I spend most of my time right over there in the news. Motbach folding the most topical story. Lamb with sumac and seven spice, Pomegranate molasses and toasted pine nuts into pilibi dumplings simmered in yogurt and mint to make the levantine shishbarak. That is my monologue. But sometimes, just sometimes, folks, after crashing the steampunk pyro bike I stole while tripping balls at Burning Man, I cut up a half eaten slim Jim into a milk carton baking in the desert sun to make the savory hobo yogurt of news. That is my segment. Meanwhile, solid as a rock. Meanwhile, the rock we live on to stand on foundation. Meanwhile, Benito Mussolini's granddaughter will compete on Celebrity Big Brother in Italy. It is the weirdest combo of dictator's descendant and reality competition since Survivor was won by Brenda Hitler. She was actually surprisingly nice. She was surprisingly nice. Meanwhile, bees can breathe underwater for a week. Scientists have discovered the conclusions were reached by Rick, who just likes drowning things. Meanwhile, researchers have solved the mystery of why cats always land on their feet. That's cool. But Rick would like to answer a different question about cats. Meanwhile, science has revealed the real weather of the Lord of the Rings. Meteorologists. Meteorologists say they fed Middle Earth's topography and bathymetry into an advanced climate model to explain why the Misty Mountains are so misty. Okay, people who did this, meet me over on the words I never thought I would live to say. Cam, you take the Lord of the Rings too seriously. Okay, that's me. That's me. And the only person who thinks about the one ring more than me is Gollum. Get help, precious. Meanwhile, the head priest of an Episcopal church is accused of stealing baseball cards from Walmart. Well, well, well. Looks like the Episcopalians have a scandal too. Get on it, Boston. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, George Clooney, along with nightlife entrepreneur Randy Gerber and Mike Meldman have launched a new non alcoholic line with a lager and lime flavored beer. I am so celebrities launching brands just because they have a huge profile. We get it. You're the Mike Meldman. Get over yourself. Meanwhile, scientists have created the world's first tomatoes that smell like buttered popcorn. Okay, kind of sounds like they had a lab accident they're trying to pass off as a discovery. Oh, hey, great news. We cracked the old tomatoes smelling like buttered popcorn problem. Also, they're self aware, feel sadness, and they scream all the time. No more questions. Meanwhile, Pokemon and Heinz have teamed up for limited edition Pikachu ketchup bottles. It's already much more successful than the previous Pokemon brand. Collab Squirtle Trojan condoms. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclus.
- [10:19]
Progressive Insurance Narrator
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- [10:55]
Commercial Narrator
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